Hi, one of your editors here. As always, feel free to ignore anything you don't like :)
This was a wonderfully interesting piece. I was immediately drawn in and entertained the whole way through. It was a nice break from schoolwork!
Edit-wise, there are two main things to consider in the future - comma usage and slight redundancy. There are several parts that either need their commas taken out (semi-colon or new sentence, whichever you prefer) or need one put in. For example: Then came hope, I could feel... and have taught me much, I soon shall be able.... It doesn't take away from the content of the story, but it would make a great story even better. The repetitiousness is also a fairly small thing. The one part that stood out the most was when the sisters kept proclaiming doing the challenge 'together'. A slight change here would make it flow better and improve the overall feel.
Oh, and one nit-picky thing - He was going to be so pissed if I failed... while amusing, pissed doesn't fit the tone the rest of the story has. Angry or
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Hi! I'm one of your editors! I'm sorry about how late this is. The past week has been hectic!
Wow. That is pretty much all I could think after reading it. Your narration is absolutely wonderful. The fluency and pacing is admirable in your piece and your descriptions! They are absolutely lovely. I don't see any grammatical errors, and I have only two little suggestions to make.
I agree with dioscorea about this sentence: He was going to be so pissed if I failed... Pissed really disrupts the flow of your writing, and the style. Perhaps angry would be more appropriate...? Oh, I also agree with discorea about the comma splices
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This was a wonderfully interesting piece. I was immediately drawn in and entertained the whole way through. It was a nice break from schoolwork!
Edit-wise, there are two main things to consider in the future - comma usage and slight redundancy. There are several parts that either need their commas taken out (semi-colon or new sentence, whichever you prefer) or need one put in. For example: Then came hope, I could feel... and have taught me much, I soon shall be able.... It doesn't take away from the content of the story, but it would make a great story even better. The repetitiousness is also a fairly small thing. The one part that stood out the most was when the sisters kept proclaiming doing the challenge 'together'. A slight change here would make it flow better and improve the overall feel.
Oh, and one nit-picky thing - He was going to be so pissed if I failed... while amusing, pissed doesn't fit the tone the rest of the story has. Angry or ( ... )
Reply
I'm sorry about how late this is. The past week has been hectic!
Wow. That is pretty much all I could think after reading it. Your narration is absolutely wonderful. The fluency and pacing is admirable in your piece and your descriptions! They are absolutely lovely. I don't see any grammatical errors, and I have only two little suggestions to make.
I agree with dioscorea about this sentence:
He was going to be so pissed if I failed...
Pissed really disrupts the flow of your writing, and the style. Perhaps angry would be more appropriate...? Oh, I also agree with discorea about the comma splices ( ... )
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