I figured something out.
With much help and conversation with my mate, I stripped down all my problems and emotions, trying to find out what I really need in a scene.
I'm basicly trying to buy love and acceptance. That's why I feel so good when I make someone cum, but I don't feel that way when I cum myself. I feel like I earned it, when I make someone happy. That's why I was so upset about not being used at the party. I was hoping that I would get the chance to get a little love from lots of people, and didn't get enough. This is why I spent so much money on a fursuit, because inside the fursuit people will accept me and love me. That's why I buy or make or draw most things I do, hoping the recipient will be happy and I will get to feel loved. That's why I create, why I yiff, why I do most things. That's why I sometimes feel I've never had enough sex to satisfy me: I've never felt like I've been loved enough.
I feel I have to earn any love I get. And all too often, my attempts fail, or get halfhearted thanks.
So. Core problem identified.
Now I just have to figure out what to do with this.
I'm basicly trying to buy love and acceptance. That's why I feel so good when I make someone cum, but I don't feel that way when I cum myself. I feel like I earned it, when I make someone happy. That's why I was so upset about not being used at the party. I was hoping that I would get the chance to get a little love from lots of people, and didn't get enough. This is why I spent so much money on a fursuit, because inside the fursuit people will accept me and love me. That's why I buy or make or draw most things I do, hoping the recipient will be happy and I will get to feel loved. That's why I create, why I yiff, why I do most things. That's why I sometimes feel I've never had enough sex to satisfy me: I've never felt like I've been loved enough.
I feel I have to earn any love I get. And all too often, my attempts fail, or get halfhearted thanks.
So. Core problem identified.
Now I just have to figure out what to do with this.