drabble
~1~
“The trick is to take them out to a graveyard.” Dean says. Sam looks sceptical because really…yeah he is just twelve but a graveyard isn’t near romantic in…well a long, long, long time. “It isn’t romantic.” He says and looks at his brother.
“It doesn’t have to be romantic, Sammy…girls like to be a little bit spooked. A graveyard is a really great location to make out.” Dean says with a smirk.
Sam shakes his head…a graveyard really…with all that what his dad is doing and Dean is doing how can his brother stand a graveyard in his free time?
~2~
Years later when he takes Jessica out the second time he remembers the graveyard-theory. Maybe because it’s a few days until Halloween - maybe because…who knows? He doesn’t want to think about it too much or deeply.
She kisses him there near an old gravestone in the darkness of the night just outside the town. She isn’t freaked out or anything, she is cold though - goose bumps on her arms. And she is a little spooked - pleasantly afraid. Every noise is an excuse for being near Sam, for touching him, to snuggle close. She is shaking but her lips are warm.
~3~
He sees Dean nearly every week on one cemetery or another. Digging graves; sweat running down his temples, his nose - sometimes a drop makes it to his lips. He sees it now for years. Something like that shouldn’t be comforting - but the comforting things are always the ones we know from our childhood. For Sam it’s seeing his big brother digging out bones to be able to put a spirit to rest. Making rude comments or bad jokes, rambling on about how he hates witches. Sam watches because he wants to remember - he knows of course that he will fail.
~4~
He knows Dean isn’t afraid of dying. Hunters aren’t because they know they could die every day - something can always get you. Dean is afraid of becoming a demon. He knows he will someday, Sam didn’t know - he thought he was human. He knows now he isn’t - not like his brother.
But he wonders; what is the definition of being human? To be bond in flesh and bones? Being mortal, able to feel pain, sorrow, love, pity? He did meet supernatural things that could; he did meet humans which couldn’t.
Maybe saving Dean isn’t about saving his body or soul.
~5~
“Ruby remembers.” Sam says. Dean doesn’t even look up.
“Yeah, and what good does it do her?” he asks digging, eyes fixed on the dirt.
“She wants to help…she wants to change things…”
“She wants you to be the leader…” Dean replies.
“It’s not the worst thing in the world.” Sam answers softly.
“You want to be the boyking? Are you losing it?” Dean asks and does look up.
I don’t want to be left alone here; Sam thinks he doesn’t say it though.
“It was just a thought. I’m not LOSING it, Dean.”
“Seems to me like it, Sammy.”
~6~
Sam wonders if Dean will just drop dead, heart failure, a stroke maybe or something like that. What the funeral will be like? Does Dean want a warrior’s funeral like their father? They don’t talk about it. It’s easier not to talk about it. And maybe Dean shared enough of his feelings by admitting he doesn’t actually want to go to hell.
In his more insane moments Sam asks himself if he could walk into hell to bring Dean back. He isn’t human after all…
He knows he isn’t. He knows Dean does too; they aren’t talking about that either.
~7~
“If you did know, would you have done it?” Sam asks.
“What the hell, Sam…?”
“Just answer the question.”
“What does it matter now anyway?” Dean wants to know not looking at him, staring into the dark night. Not seeing the beauty though. The bright stars, the midnight blue of the sky. But he feels Sam’s presence, his body heat, right beside him. Feels tension, nearly can taste the despair, the need for…something, words can’t never give him that Dean thinks. Maybe he is just selfish, damaged Bella said.
“It does to me.” Sam says quietly.
“I knew.” He says.
~8~
“What?” Sam turns his head to watch Dean’s profile.
“I knew all along.”
“But…” Dean cuts him off.
“Really Sam, how could I miss it?” He asks still not looking at his brother.
Sam is quite; taking deep breaths, closing his eyes, trying to…he doesn’t know. Something.
“Even Gordon knew. And he didn’t spend years with you, slept in the same room, watched you grow up…how could I miss your change?” Dean asks.
“But why bringing me back then?”
“Because you are my brother after all…human or not.” Dean says, he doesn’t say that he can’t stand losing someone else.
~9~
Time is slipping like sand trough his fingers, like water he can’t catch it…like Dean’s life can’t find an anchor to fix it to the present, the ground, to him.
“Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“Think I will see Bella there?” he asks.
“Don’t joke about it!” Sam answers he really wants to be angry but he can’t the sadness is just…overwhelming, the despair always there, the guilt.
He wishes he’d drunk himself silly…it would have been so much easier to take this with booze.
Dean keeps quite; his eyes closed, Sam stares at his mouth, needs to know if Dean still breathes.
~10~
There are hundreds of things he wants to say, they just don’t make it out of his mouth.
He leans into the gravestone behind him, it’s cold and uncomfortable damp. As is the grass. He can see dark stains on Dean’s jeans. Graveyard dirt and something else.
“Remember that you said graveyards are good to make out?” Sam asks.
“Yeah…You didn’t believe it.” Dean answers.
“I do now.” Sam says.
“Tried it out?” he wants to know.
“Yeah…with Jess.”
“Told you.”
“Jep, you did.” Sam answers smiling. He doesn’t know why they are still here but he’s glad they are.
~11~
He decides against burning Dean’s body. It’s stupid really and pointless no less…
Because this isn’t his brother anymore…even if he were able to find Dean, bring him back (and he will, he just will because he can pull this off, there is nothing left here for him anyway - life means nothing if you haven’t someone to share it with)…this could never be Dean again because this dead thing will rot away. Under a thick layer of dirt, grass in some nameless town…no name on the gravestone. Doesn’t matter.
Sam will just have to find another pretty body for Dean.
“The trick is to take them out to a graveyard.” Dean says. Sam looks sceptical because really…yeah he is just twelve but a graveyard isn’t near romantic in…well a long, long, long time. “It isn’t romantic.” He says and looks at his brother.
“It doesn’t have to be romantic, Sammy…girls like to be a little bit spooked. A graveyard is a really great location to make out.” Dean says with a smirk.
Sam shakes his head…a graveyard really…with all that what his dad is doing and Dean is doing how can his brother stand a graveyard in his free time?
~2~
Years later when he takes Jessica out the second time he remembers the graveyard-theory. Maybe because it’s a few days until Halloween - maybe because…who knows? He doesn’t want to think about it too much or deeply.
She kisses him there near an old gravestone in the darkness of the night just outside the town. She isn’t freaked out or anything, she is cold though - goose bumps on her arms. And she is a little spooked - pleasantly afraid. Every noise is an excuse for being near Sam, for touching him, to snuggle close. She is shaking but her lips are warm.
~3~
He sees Dean nearly every week on one cemetery or another. Digging graves; sweat running down his temples, his nose - sometimes a drop makes it to his lips. He sees it now for years. Something like that shouldn’t be comforting - but the comforting things are always the ones we know from our childhood. For Sam it’s seeing his big brother digging out bones to be able to put a spirit to rest. Making rude comments or bad jokes, rambling on about how he hates witches. Sam watches because he wants to remember - he knows of course that he will fail.
~4~
He knows Dean isn’t afraid of dying. Hunters aren’t because they know they could die every day - something can always get you. Dean is afraid of becoming a demon. He knows he will someday, Sam didn’t know - he thought he was human. He knows now he isn’t - not like his brother.
But he wonders; what is the definition of being human? To be bond in flesh and bones? Being mortal, able to feel pain, sorrow, love, pity? He did meet supernatural things that could; he did meet humans which couldn’t.
Maybe saving Dean isn’t about saving his body or soul.
~5~
“Ruby remembers.” Sam says. Dean doesn’t even look up.
“Yeah, and what good does it do her?” he asks digging, eyes fixed on the dirt.
“She wants to help…she wants to change things…”
“She wants you to be the leader…” Dean replies.
“It’s not the worst thing in the world.” Sam answers softly.
“You want to be the boyking? Are you losing it?” Dean asks and does look up.
I don’t want to be left alone here; Sam thinks he doesn’t say it though.
“It was just a thought. I’m not LOSING it, Dean.”
“Seems to me like it, Sammy.”
~6~
Sam wonders if Dean will just drop dead, heart failure, a stroke maybe or something like that. What the funeral will be like? Does Dean want a warrior’s funeral like their father? They don’t talk about it. It’s easier not to talk about it. And maybe Dean shared enough of his feelings by admitting he doesn’t actually want to go to hell.
In his more insane moments Sam asks himself if he could walk into hell to bring Dean back. He isn’t human after all…
He knows he isn’t. He knows Dean does too; they aren’t talking about that either.
~7~
“If you did know, would you have done it?” Sam asks.
“What the hell, Sam…?”
“Just answer the question.”
“What does it matter now anyway?” Dean wants to know not looking at him, staring into the dark night. Not seeing the beauty though. The bright stars, the midnight blue of the sky. But he feels Sam’s presence, his body heat, right beside him. Feels tension, nearly can taste the despair, the need for…something, words can’t never give him that Dean thinks. Maybe he is just selfish, damaged Bella said.
“It does to me.” Sam says quietly.
“I knew.” He says.
~8~
“What?” Sam turns his head to watch Dean’s profile.
“I knew all along.”
“But…” Dean cuts him off.
“Really Sam, how could I miss it?” He asks still not looking at his brother.
Sam is quite; taking deep breaths, closing his eyes, trying to…he doesn’t know. Something.
“Even Gordon knew. And he didn’t spend years with you, slept in the same room, watched you grow up…how could I miss your change?” Dean asks.
“But why bringing me back then?”
“Because you are my brother after all…human or not.” Dean says, he doesn’t say that he can’t stand losing someone else.
~9~
Time is slipping like sand trough his fingers, like water he can’t catch it…like Dean’s life can’t find an anchor to fix it to the present, the ground, to him.
“Sam?”
“Yeah?”
“Think I will see Bella there?” he asks.
“Don’t joke about it!” Sam answers he really wants to be angry but he can’t the sadness is just…overwhelming, the despair always there, the guilt.
He wishes he’d drunk himself silly…it would have been so much easier to take this with booze.
Dean keeps quite; his eyes closed, Sam stares at his mouth, needs to know if Dean still breathes.
~10~
There are hundreds of things he wants to say, they just don’t make it out of his mouth.
He leans into the gravestone behind him, it’s cold and uncomfortable damp. As is the grass. He can see dark stains on Dean’s jeans. Graveyard dirt and something else.
“Remember that you said graveyards are good to make out?” Sam asks.
“Yeah…You didn’t believe it.” Dean answers.
“I do now.” Sam says.
“Tried it out?” he wants to know.
“Yeah…with Jess.”
“Told you.”
“Jep, you did.” Sam answers smiling. He doesn’t know why they are still here but he’s glad they are.
~11~
He decides against burning Dean’s body. It’s stupid really and pointless no less…
Because this isn’t his brother anymore…even if he were able to find Dean, bring him back (and he will, he just will because he can pull this off, there is nothing left here for him anyway - life means nothing if you haven’t someone to share it with)…this could never be Dean again because this dead thing will rot away. Under a thick layer of dirt, grass in some nameless town…no name on the gravestone. Doesn’t matter.
Sam will just have to find another pretty body for Dean.