FIC: Conjunction (1/2)
Hello, this rather odd offering was the result of one rabid plot-bunny who wanted to know how Regulus would feel about his brother and Remus being an item. `Conjunction` doesn't really give any answers but demanded to be written anyway, and who am I to refuse my Muses?
At least it's cheerful enough, though part two promises to be at lot fluffier than I can normally manage.
Title: Conjunction
Author: Fleshdress
Rating: R
Summary: `Conjunction - a word or group of words that connects words, phrases or clauses`
Disclaimer: Would you believe I *still* don't own them?
From the decidedly nervous look on James’, Remus knew there was trouble. Sirius standing awkwardly at his side, hair a mess and cheeks flushed, completed the picture of guilt.
" Something rather interesting has just happened, " James said conversationally.
Remus raised a single eyebrow from where he was sat cross-legged on his dormitory bed.
" Interesting how? "
" Well, " James started, not moving from Sirius’ side, " Padfoot and I were just out for a late evening stroll when who should we happen to bump into but a few of our friendly local Slytherins, with little Regulus as well. "
Sirius’ arm twitched fretfully.
" Anyway, " James continued. " We ended up having something of a… heated discussion and then the curses started flying and well, this happened. "
He plucked at the air beside Sirius’ head, the invisibility cloak slithered down to pool on the floor and a distinctly surly looking Regulus Black appeared. He glanced around the room disinterestedly.
" So this is a Gryffindor dorm huh? What a dump. "
Sirius sighed deeply and held up his arm. His right wrist was seemingly fused to Regulus’ left one.
" We kind of got… stuck together, " he explained miserably, seeing Remus’ startled expression.
" So we legged it, " James added. " And Little Black Junior had to come too. "
Regulus opened his mouth to protest at this epithet but Sirius cut him off by cuffing him sharply round the head.
" And Finite Incantatem didn’t work? " Remus asked.
" Christ, we didn’t think to use that one! " Regulus exclaimed sarcastically. " You should have been put in bloody Ravenclaw, you should. You’re wasted in Gryffindor! Halfblood moron. "
" Yes, do please bring your bigotry along with you! I have so missed it, " Sirius said in an equally sarcastic voice. " You show these people a little respect or you and I are going to fall out big time. "
Regulus pressed his lips together sulkily but was silent.
" Any idea what type of spell was used? " Remus persisted.
" Considering it was dear old Bella, " said Sirius, " I think it was some kind of blood jinx, but it got a bit mutated what with all the other hexes going around and Regulus got caught up in it. "
" Bellatrix says you’re an abomination who should be put of your misery, " Regulus remarked in an undertone.
" And I say she’s a whack-job who should learn to keep her legs together, " Sirius shot back pleasantly.
" *You’re* the whore! " Regulus retorted screechily. " Malfoy says, " he added when three cold sets of eyes turned to look at him.
" Does he now? " Sirius answered neutrally.
" Reckon he still fancies you though. "
James and Remus both looked surprised at this but Sirius fumed and rolled his eyes.
" And Severus Snape’s got his eye on that one, " Regulus threw in for good measure, pointing at Remus with his and Sirius’ hands.
" You tell me which eye and I’ll poke it out for him, " Sirius invited silkily. He smiled uneasily. " Listen to my baby brother, getting us all Slytherin boyfriends. "
Remus and James remained dubiously silent.
" All we need now is some old hag shrieking about the purity of blood and it could be home, " Sirius joked feebly, looking very much like he wished Hogwarts would collapse right about now.
" Are we going to go to Dumbledore? " Remus asked, more out of a desire to rescue Sirius from an embarrassing silence than anything else.
" So speaks the Prefect, running off to teachers at the first sign of trouble, " Regulus sneered.
" Have one more go at him, " Sirius warned, " and I’ll hex your eyebrows off. "
" Remus is right, we need to discuss whether we’re going to get professors involved in this, " James said sensibly before a full-scale fraternal row could break out.
" They’d probably know how to end the enchantment, " Remus advised.
" But if they find out I’ve been duelling *again*, " Sirius protested, anxiety tingeing his voice. " I’m still doing penance for… well last year. "
" What did you do last year? " Regulus asked instantly.
" I sexually propositioned Professor McGonagall, " Sirius answered vaguely, refusing to make eye contact with Remus.
" You’re lying! " insisted Regulus.
" You think? " James drawled.
" So, we’re voting not to tell teachers then? " Remus persisted, attempting to keep the conversation on a non-violent level.
" Why don’t I get a vote? " Regulus asked loudly.
" Because you’re hanging off *my* arm, " Sirius told him.
" You’re as attached to my arm as I am to yours! "
" Well then, ‘cos we’re in a Gryffindor dormitory, " James suggested.
" Only because you dragged me here. "
" Do you intend to be such a nuisance the entire time we’re attached? " Sirius asked exasperatedly.
" He’s fourteen, he knows no other way, " commented James.
" Right, we’re not telling teachers, " Remus said decisively, not that anyone was listening to him.
" There’s a Slytherin in my dormitory, " Peter said nervously from the doorway.
" Don’t say it too loud or everyone will want one, " Remus answered in a voice that was bordering on hysteria.
Sirius, Regulus and James turned to him, regarding him warily.
" Muggle joke, " Remus explained weakly.
Sirius cuffed Regulus around the head again.
" Now look what you did, " he rebuked him fiercely. " You’ve upset Moony and made him tell Muggle jokes. "
" Why do you call him Moony? " Regulus asked as Sirius walked clumsily over to his bed.
" It’s an affectionate nickname. Yours is going to be Pigboy. You alright with that, Pigboy? "
" Why is there a Slytherin in here? It’s Sirius’ brother isn’t it? " Peter pressed in a low voice to James. " And why are they holding hands? "
" We’re not holding hands! " Sirius near-shrieked. " It’s a spell, and we can’t seem to break it. So Regulus is going to spend the night here. "
" I don’t want to get changed in front of these Gryffindors Sirius, " Regulus whined as Sirius began to strip off.
" Don’t be such a wuss, " Sirius started to tell him but he stopped when he saw the pleading expression in his brother’s eyes.
He heaved a sigh then hooked out his spare pair of pyjamas and hauled his brother into the bathroom.
" Who else is gobsmacked that there is someone more annoying than Sirius in the world? " James asked as the others got ready for bed.
" I for one am not sure how we’re going to manage this, " Remus said seriously.
" They’ll kill each other before the weekend, " Peter predicted.
There was a yell from the bathroom followed by a burst of very bad language.
" I don’t think Sirius is setting a very good example for his little brother, " Remus said mildly.
The bathroom door was flung wide and Sirius and Regulus returned, wearing only their pyjama bottoms and carrying a pile of shredded robes. Regulus looked mutinous and Sirius was positively homicidal.
" We had to rip ourselves out of our robes, " Sirius explained, throwing the black bundle onto the floor. " I’ll have to order more from Madam Malkin, which is an expense I could really do without. "
" Father will buy me new ones, " Regulus said smugly.
" You ought to be thinking about standing on your own two feet. Mother and Father will buy you anything you want, but they expect things in return. You ought to bear that in mind. "
" Father would still be buying *you* things if you weren’t mentally subnormal. "
" Sirius isn’t mentally subnormal! " Remus objected angrily.
" Ignore it Moony, " Sirius said breezily. " Father would have me in St. Mungo’s if he possibly could. And Mother would have me in Azkaban. "
" Father misses you, " Regulus said meaningfully. " He just wants you to stop this nonsense. He says the house isn’t the same without his little Star around. Mother told him not to call you that anymore. "
" Father’s as bad as Mother in his own way and we’re not having this conversation. We’re going to sleep. "
Sirius shouldered his brother into bed then followed him. They didn’t look entirely comfortable.
" These beds aren’t big enough for two people, " Regulus complained, jostling roughly for more room.
" I’ve never had any problems, " Sirius contradicted him.
" Malfoy’s right: you *are* a whore. "
" Lets leave Malfoy out of this shall we? " James suggested, getting into bed.
" Mother said she would rather you were a whore for the Malfoys than a Gryffindor disgrace, " Regulus observed. " But Father said that no Black would ever serve a Malfoy while he lived. "
" Well at least I’m in one parent’s good books, " Sirius said wryly as Peter turned out the lights.
" Oh no, you’re not in Father’s good books, " Regulus said quickly. " He still hasn’t forgiven you for… "
There was a sudden muffling and Remus strongly suspected that Sirius was smothering his brother with a pillow but couldn’t see through the darkness. He waited for a few moments then felt compelled to speak.
" Best let him breathe again Padfoot. "
" I don’t need you sticking up for me, weirdo, " Regulus panted, apparently receiving oxygen again. " Argh! Get your wand out of my face! "
" Apologise you little runt! " Sirius growled.
" Sirius… " Remus protested mildly.
" Alright, sorry! " Regulus shouted.
" I humbly beg your forgiveness Mr Lupin, " Sirius insisted. " Say it! "
" I’m not talking like that to a halfblood! I’m a Black goddamn it! "
" You’ll be a dead Black in a minute! Say it! "
" Ow! Okay, okay! I humbly beg your forgiveness Mr Lupin! "
" That’s fine, " Remus said uncomfortably. " Stop hurting him Sirius. "
There was a discontented muttering but the shrieks of pain stopped. It was silent for a long time.
" In my dormitory we normally talk before we go to sleep, " Regulus said significantly into the silence.
" In our dormitory we don’t normally have Slytherin fourth-years nattering away, " Peter answered, his nerves overcome by his irritation.
" Nobody wants to talk to you Regulus, " Sirius added.
" Fine. Be that way. Bad-tempered bloody Gryffindors. "
The dormitory lapsed into silence. The boys’ breathing evened out and Remus wrapped his arm around his pillow, ready to let sleep take him.
" Regulus, " Sirius said sharply. " Stop doing that with my hand now. "
" I didn’t complain about having to help you piss earlier, " Regulus answered sulkily.
" Pissing is one thing. This is something else altogether. "
There was a long silence.
" Regulus, does my hand have to be so involved in this? "
Silence once more.
" Good god Regulus, would you please just come already? "
" Quit complaining. All teenage boys wank Sirius. "
" Not with their brother’s hand they don’t. Now hurry up. "
" If you’d help I’d be quicker. "
" I imagine this is why they say purebloods are so inbred, " Remus commented, trying not to sound excruciatingly embarrassed.
" Shut up Lupin. You wouldn’t know pure blood if it came up and bit you on the arse. "
" I assure you he would, " Sirius answered, the smirk audible in his voice. " Oh for Merlin’s sake, Regulus, here, like this. "
Again, silence. Then a gasp.
" Great, " Sirius muttered. " Now the bed’s sticky. Hey Moony, mind if I bunk with you? "
" Er… " Remus answered uncertainly.
" I’m not sleeping in a bed with him, " Regulus snorted.
" Too right you’re not, " Sirius retorted angrily. " You’ll be sleeping on the floor. "
" You could just do a Scourgify, " James suggested from the other side of the room.
" They never get it all and I’m not sleeping on my brother’s come. Pleeease Moony? "
" Yeah, alright, " Remus relented. " But three people in a bed really is impossible. "
" Actually… " Sirius began. " Nevermind. "
" Wait ‘til I tell Malfoy what a whore you are, " Regulus threatened.
" Tell Malfoy anything of the sort and you’ll regret it, " Remus said sharply.
He pulled the blankets back and felt Sirius creep in beside him, one arm tugging Regulus behind him. The younger boy dragged the quilts off Sirius’ bed and settled down on the floor, griping continuously. Sirius took full advantage and pressed closer to Remus who was timidly trying to disappear off the other side of the bed. He discovered a whole new strata of mortification in trying to hide an erection when an annoying younger brother is hanging off your heart-thumpingly-close object of desire.
" Give Lupin some space, " Regulus snapped. " He can hardly breathe with you that close, let alone sleep. Stop trying to cop a feel. "
" `Cop a feel`? " Sirius repeated in disgust. " My, aren’t you eloquent? What would Mother say to hear her precious little Reggie speaking so commonly? "
" And what would Father say to see his darling little Star snuggling up to… "
Regulus obviously thought better of finishing his sentence.
" Very wise, " Sirius barked. " Now, shut up and sleep before our parents lose *both* their sons! "
Remus woke early in the morning, before the others were even stirring. He was, in equal measures, delighted and horrified to find Sirius curled against him, head nestled under his arm. It never ceased to amaze Remus just how innocent and childlike Sirius could be when those expressive grey eyes weren’t on display. He followed the lines of Sirius’ body with his eyes, specifically the arm that was hanging off the side of the bed.
Moving as carefully as he could so he didn’t disturb Sirius, who he didn’t yet have the energy to face, Remus leant over his sleeping companion’s body and looked down.
Cold grey eyes met his. A baleful glare that could have killed were it not being delivered by a somewhat spotty fourteen year old.
" What do you want? " Regulus hissed.
Remus studied him for a minute, cataloguing the differences between him and his brother. While Sirius was tightly muscled, Regulus was still lanky. His black hair was cropped close to the head and his eyes didn’t have the flecks of black that danced so enticingly whenever Sirius was in extreme states of emotion. The younger boy’s features were softer, less defined; he lacked the chiselled cheekbones and long aquiline nose. He looked impish rather than aristocratic.
He would not grow up to look like Sirius, and for that Remus was obscurely grateful.
" Why did you say what you did about Severus Snape? " Remus asked finally, unsure why this question, out of all the ones charging through his mind, was the one he managed to voice.
" What? That he fancied you? "
Remus nodded. Regulus shrugged.
" ‘Cos he does. He always sticks up for you when the others are having a go. Says: yeah you may be an anti-social creep but you really know your stuff when it comes to DADA. Snape doesn’t have nice things to say about many people, especially not about Sirius. "
Regulus frowned for a moment then grinned suddenly, capturing just a spark of Sirius’ charm.
" So, are you going to dump my brother for Snape? "
" There’s nothing going on between Sirius and I, " Remus said sniffily, ignoring the tempting press of Sirius’ body beneath him.
" Malfoy’ll be so glad to hear that, " Regulus shot back with relish. " He said it was a shameful waste of pureblood for Sirius to be getting fucked by a… " He broke off, looking shamefaced and then arrogant. " Just because I don’t say it Lupin, doesn’t mean I don’t think it. "
" I’ll bear that in mind, " Remus said coolly. " So, why’s Malfoy so interested in Sirius? "
Regulus pulled an insulted expression.
" My brother’s beautiful. And he’s a Black. Everyone wants my brother. And not everyone has given up on him. Least of all Malfoy. "
It was so strange to hear the burn of pride in the boy’s voice when he talked of his disowned, scandalous brother. It reminded Remus of Sirius’ glowing eyes when he heard that Regulus had been picked for his House Quidditch team. Whatever divisions tore at the brothers, they were still kin. For now. It was all too easy to see, with the dark days coming, that it would not always be so.
" Has Malfoy always been… attracted to Sirius? "
Regulus grinned again.
" Since forever. It’s common knowledge that Julius Malfoy and Father planned for Lucius and Sirius to be bound when they were older. "
" A power bloc, " Remus translated.
" No-one would challenge the Malfoys *and* the Blacks. Sirius and Lucius would be unbeatable together. And Lucius was pretty keen on the idea. It used to be such a laugh, having to run off and hide before Malfoy spotted him at any of the family get-togethers, sneaking around with the House Elves ‘til it was time to go. "
The amused light in Regulus’ eyes died slowly.
" It wasn’t so funny the last few times, " he said quietly. " Everyone was angry with Sirius all the time. And Malfoy knew. Thought that Sirius should be… grateful. "
" Grateful? " Remus prodded gently as he trailed off, his lips set in a grim line.
" That Malfoy was still willing to have him, " he said bitterly. " Malfoy didn’t want me, thank Merlin. He wanted, *wants*, Sirius. I *hate* how they talk about him. If he was only there, if he was only a Slytherin, he’d show them, Malfoy wouldn’t be so pompous… I could be proud of him, if he’d only stop hanging around with Mudbloods and Muggle-lovers, degrading all that the Black Family stands for. "
" You *can* be proud of Sirius, " Remus disputed softly. " He stands by his beliefs, in the face of… losing everything he loves. He’s got integrity and… "
" Oh spare me! " Regulus hissed. " He’s… sick, and everyone knows it and he doesn’t care. And I have to listen to the… horrible things they say about him, and I have to agree, because they’re right! "
" No Regulus, " Remus started to say but the boy turned his face away.
It was quiet for a few moments and Remus tactfully pretended not to hear the stifled sobs.
" My arm hurts, " Sirius moaned, shifting dangerously-pleasurably below Remus. He cracked an eye open and smiled sleepily when he saw Remus. " Morning Moony. Sleep well? "
" You took up too much room, have an extremely high body-temperature and elbowed me a hundred and one times. "
" Sounds like a no, " Sirius murmured. He peered over the edge of the bed. " You awake yet Regulus? "
A muffled grunt answered him.
" Hey! " Sirius pressed. " Hey Regulus, are you crying? "
Regulus gave no response at all this time. Remus noticed Sirius’ eyes grow wide with concern and then almost missed the accusatory look that entered them a split second before he turned to the tawny-haired boy.
" Remus, have you made my baby brother cry? " Sirius demanded smartly.
" What? No! " Remus insisted, wondering how he’d managed to get dragged into this.
" I’m not crying, " Regulus interrupted.
" Nobody makes my brother cry but me, got that Moony? " Sirius persisted.
" Leave Lupin alone, " muttered Regulus. " I’m just, snuffly this morning. "
" Fraud. What’s wrong? "
" Nothing. "
" C’mon Reggie, " Sirius wheedled. " You can’t fool me. Let me see your pretty eyes when you say that. "
" If you must know, " Regulus snarled, finally turning his face back when he felt Sirius’ fingers creeping across his back threatening to tickle, " I was wondering how we’re going to get through this mess. "
Sirius tutted and rolled his eyes.
" Oh don’t worry about *that*, " he said dismissively. " We’ll get it all sorted. "
" Are you lot playing sardines over there? " James called out blearily, making out the odd tangle of Sirius leaning down to Regulus and both of them being leant over by Remus.
" Nah Prongs, " Sirius replied. " We’re just formulating a plan for today. "
" A plan that requires you all to be heaped in a pile, " James stated, unconvinced. " Yeah right. "
" Go back to sleep Jamie. We’re going to need all brains in full working-order to pull this off. "
A few hours later, when everyone in the dormitory realised that Regulus and Sirius were going to bicker continuously until they were otherwise occupied, a plan was decided upon.
It was simple enough. Sirius would accompany Regulus to his morning lessons under the Cloak, and then they would swap and Regulus hide during Sirius’ afternoon lessons.
" That way, you both only miss half a day, " James said triumphantly.
" Yeah, but we miss breakfast, " Sirius complained, disgruntled.
" And lunch, " Regulus agreed.
" There are too many people in the Great Hall, " Remus pointed out. " You wouldn’t be able to slip through unnoticed. "
" Well lets forget the cloak then during meals, " Regulus suggested.
" Let wiser heads deal with this, " Sirius told him firmly. " I can’t go and sit with the Slytherins, I’d be wearing my breakfast before I’d even sat down. And I imagine you’d not be doing your popularity any good by coming to sit on the Gryffindor table next to your shameful brother. "
" But we’re going to miss the food Sirius, " Regulus whined.
" You’d think you two never get fed, " Remus remarked impatiently.
" We’ll bring you food back here, " Peter offered.
" I like waffles, " Regulus said instantly. " And Sirius’ll want bacon with beans on toast. "
" I’ll do my ordering thank you very much, " Sirius snapped, before turning to Peter. " One plate of waffles and one beans on toast with a side order of bacon please Wormtail. "
" See? " Regulus could be heard crowing as the three Marauders left the dormitory.
" I have a new found respect for Mr and Mrs Black, " James commented conversationally as they made their way to breakfast. " Pureblood cultists they may be, but bringing up children like that, well, you can’t say they haven’t suffered. "
Later that afternoon, they stopped by the Great Hall again to collect food for the Blacks’ lunch, well aware of the reception they would be given if the brothers’ were forced to miss a meal. Passing through the Gryffindor common room, James, Peter and Remus went up to their dormitory.
Sirius and Regulus were sat on the floor. Sirius’ left hand was flicking through a fourth-year Herbology textbook, Regulus’ right hand was writing down whatever salient points Sirius was flinging at him and their `shared` hands had a half-eaten apple which was lifted to alternate mouths.
" Well? " James demanded. " How did it all go? "
Sirius shrugged.
" Wasn’t too bad, was it Reggie? "
" Hell no! I was given fifteen points in DADA this morning, " Regulus added. " I was even outdoing the snotty Ravenclaws. "
" *We* were outdoing them. " Sirius corrected with a grin. " You’d be amazed though how mouthy some of these little Slytherin gobshites are though, " he said to his friends. " I almost felt sorry for poor old Professor Grimnorre. "
" You won fifteen points for the Slytherins? " James asked in disbelief. " Just whose side are you on? "
" Gryffindor of course, " Sirius shot back. " But I’m not going to just leave my baby brother when he’s asked a question he doesn’t know the answer to. "
" But, it’s not like Regulus is going to be any help in your lessons, is it? " said Peter.
" He’s two years younger than us, " Remus replied delicately, " we can hardly expect him to know answers to questions that Sirius doesn’t, no offence Regulus. "
" Lupin’s right, " Regulus agreed. " You’re more likely to get points if I just keep my mouth shut and don’t try helping. "
" Do my ears deceive me? Regulus has not only consented to keep his mouth shut, but he’s also agreed with a Gryffindor. It doesn’t look good, does it Reggie-boy? " Sirius teased his brother. " I reckon you’ve caught the Gryffindor cooties. "
" Have not! " Regulus declared fiercely. " And I don’t see why we have to keep coming back to Gryffindor tower? Why not the dungeons? "
" Because I don’t want Slytherin slime all over my boots, that’s why. Now, this afternoon we’ve got History of Magic, which’ll be a breeze. Then it’s Transfiguration, and that’s our major concern. "
" Why’s that so bad? " Regulus asked, looking at the anxious faces around him.
" Because Professor McGonagall doesn’t miss a thing, " Remus explained.
" It could only be worse if Dumbledore himself was taking the lesson, " James agreed.
" Fingers crossed boys, " Sirius said briskly. " Worst case scenario, I get to see Prongs’ parents before he does this year. "
" And what about me? " Regulus insisted. " Mother will kill me if she finds out. "
" Just tell her I had you under the Imperious Curse. "
Regulus smiled evilly.
" That sounds like a dreadfully Slytherin-type thing to do, " he said quietly.
Sirius grinned.
" Best not tell her that then. Don’t want to get her hopes up, do we Reggie? "
As Sirius had predicted, History of Magic proved uneventful. There was a minor incident at the beginning of the lesson when, spotting that he was apparently sat alone, five different people attempted to sit by Sirius. James, Remus and Peter fielded them by liberally spreading the rumour that Sirius had a vial of Stinksap in his robes that he was dying to use on someone.
" Best not get too close then, eh? " James warned the blonde who had been approaching the empty chair rather hopefully. " Geez, " he muttered when she finally turned away as the lecture began, " Get over him already. "
The lecture passed at its customary snail-crawl, though Remus was interested to note that Regulus was obviously of the same mind as himself and believed that Sirius should at least put on a pretence of listening to Professor Binns. When Sirius cursed loudly and fell off his chair for no apparent reason, it was all Remus could do not to grin and applaud Regulus.
However, when it came to Transfiguration, applause was the last thing on his mind. Survival was of more immediate importance. He had seen Professor McGonagall notice the strangely empty chair by Sirius and Remus had forced his way into the chair on the other side of him, convinced that he would prove more competent at keeping Sirius’ `attachment` from discovery than either of the others.
Unfortunately, while James and Peter were suitably subdued in the face of peril, Sirius resorted to considering the whole thing an immensely amusing challenge.
" Mr. Black, why are you using your left hand today? " Professor McGonagall queried sharply as she patrolled the rows.
Sirius shrugged.
" The other one is… sore. "
" Indeed? And why is that? "
Sirius smiled charmingly.
" I imagine I must have been enjoying my own company a little too often recently. "
Remus winced and tried to sink below desk level.
" Considering the complaints I have received from the other House Heads regarding your night-time excursions into dormitories other than your own, I find that hard to believe, " she said coldly. " Your wand belongs in your right hand, Mr. Black. "
" One should always be ambidextrous though, don’t you agree Professor? " Sirius suggested winningly. " And see, this hands works just as well. " He tapped a stray pencil on his desk, intoned `Floribundus` and offered the resulting bunch of carnations to McGonagall.
She suppressed a smile then inclined her head gracefully.
" Very nicely done Mr. Black. But I am still waiting to see your wand in its rightful place. "
Her pedagogic instincts were obviously alert to student evasion, Remus thought grimly. If Sirius had just said, `oh sorry` and swapped, she would have undoubtedly left him alone. But now he had locked himself in a battle of wills.
" Though I hate to disappoint a lady, " Sirius replied silkily, " I’m afraid that is quite impossible. It’s become something of a personal quest for me, you see. "
" A personal quest to drive me to distraction? " McGonagall suggested.
" Do I distract you Professor? " Sirius asked with an angelic smile. " How fascinating. I shall have to bear that in mind… "
" Mr. Black, you go too far. "
" I was simply referring though, dear Professor McGonagall, to my personal quest to train my left hand to be as… useful and adept as my right. "
" What he means Professor is that he got botuber pus on his right hand and now has to use his left, " James put in wearily.
" Fingers full of pus, " Remus agreed. " And you know how vain he is, " he added in an undertone.
Sirius shot him an angry look but relented under the glares he received from James, Peter and Remus.
" It’s really very ugly, " he managed weakly.
Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrows but Sirius widened his eyes pathetically at her and batted his eyelashes.
" Horrifically ugly, especially on hands like mine " he lamented.
Finally her lips quirked into a smile.
" Very well Mr. Black. I shan’t interrupt your little project. I shall however expect ten inches on what problems you may expect to encounter in changing wand-hand and how you plan to surmount them. "
And the lesson continued.
-TBC-
Also posted on the SBRL mailing list.
At least it's cheerful enough, though part two promises to be at lot fluffier than I can normally manage.
Title: Conjunction
Author: Fleshdress
Rating: R
Summary: `Conjunction - a word or group of words that connects words, phrases or clauses`
Disclaimer: Would you believe I *still* don't own them?
From the decidedly nervous look on James’, Remus knew there was trouble. Sirius standing awkwardly at his side, hair a mess and cheeks flushed, completed the picture of guilt.
" Something rather interesting has just happened, " James said conversationally.
Remus raised a single eyebrow from where he was sat cross-legged on his dormitory bed.
" Interesting how? "
" Well, " James started, not moving from Sirius’ side, " Padfoot and I were just out for a late evening stroll when who should we happen to bump into but a few of our friendly local Slytherins, with little Regulus as well. "
Sirius’ arm twitched fretfully.
" Anyway, " James continued. " We ended up having something of a… heated discussion and then the curses started flying and well, this happened. "
He plucked at the air beside Sirius’ head, the invisibility cloak slithered down to pool on the floor and a distinctly surly looking Regulus Black appeared. He glanced around the room disinterestedly.
" So this is a Gryffindor dorm huh? What a dump. "
Sirius sighed deeply and held up his arm. His right wrist was seemingly fused to Regulus’ left one.
" We kind of got… stuck together, " he explained miserably, seeing Remus’ startled expression.
" So we legged it, " James added. " And Little Black Junior had to come too. "
Regulus opened his mouth to protest at this epithet but Sirius cut him off by cuffing him sharply round the head.
" And Finite Incantatem didn’t work? " Remus asked.
" Christ, we didn’t think to use that one! " Regulus exclaimed sarcastically. " You should have been put in bloody Ravenclaw, you should. You’re wasted in Gryffindor! Halfblood moron. "
" Yes, do please bring your bigotry along with you! I have so missed it, " Sirius said in an equally sarcastic voice. " You show these people a little respect or you and I are going to fall out big time. "
Regulus pressed his lips together sulkily but was silent.
" Any idea what type of spell was used? " Remus persisted.
" Considering it was dear old Bella, " said Sirius, " I think it was some kind of blood jinx, but it got a bit mutated what with all the other hexes going around and Regulus got caught up in it. "
" Bellatrix says you’re an abomination who should be put of your misery, " Regulus remarked in an undertone.
" And I say she’s a whack-job who should learn to keep her legs together, " Sirius shot back pleasantly.
" *You’re* the whore! " Regulus retorted screechily. " Malfoy says, " he added when three cold sets of eyes turned to look at him.
" Does he now? " Sirius answered neutrally.
" Reckon he still fancies you though. "
James and Remus both looked surprised at this but Sirius fumed and rolled his eyes.
" And Severus Snape’s got his eye on that one, " Regulus threw in for good measure, pointing at Remus with his and Sirius’ hands.
" You tell me which eye and I’ll poke it out for him, " Sirius invited silkily. He smiled uneasily. " Listen to my baby brother, getting us all Slytherin boyfriends. "
Remus and James remained dubiously silent.
" All we need now is some old hag shrieking about the purity of blood and it could be home, " Sirius joked feebly, looking very much like he wished Hogwarts would collapse right about now.
" Are we going to go to Dumbledore? " Remus asked, more out of a desire to rescue Sirius from an embarrassing silence than anything else.
" So speaks the Prefect, running off to teachers at the first sign of trouble, " Regulus sneered.
" Have one more go at him, " Sirius warned, " and I’ll hex your eyebrows off. "
" Remus is right, we need to discuss whether we’re going to get professors involved in this, " James said sensibly before a full-scale fraternal row could break out.
" They’d probably know how to end the enchantment, " Remus advised.
" But if they find out I’ve been duelling *again*, " Sirius protested, anxiety tingeing his voice. " I’m still doing penance for… well last year. "
" What did you do last year? " Regulus asked instantly.
" I sexually propositioned Professor McGonagall, " Sirius answered vaguely, refusing to make eye contact with Remus.
" You’re lying! " insisted Regulus.
" You think? " James drawled.
" So, we’re voting not to tell teachers then? " Remus persisted, attempting to keep the conversation on a non-violent level.
" Why don’t I get a vote? " Regulus asked loudly.
" Because you’re hanging off *my* arm, " Sirius told him.
" You’re as attached to my arm as I am to yours! "
" Well then, ‘cos we’re in a Gryffindor dormitory, " James suggested.
" Only because you dragged me here. "
" Do you intend to be such a nuisance the entire time we’re attached? " Sirius asked exasperatedly.
" He’s fourteen, he knows no other way, " commented James.
" Right, we’re not telling teachers, " Remus said decisively, not that anyone was listening to him.
" There’s a Slytherin in my dormitory, " Peter said nervously from the doorway.
" Don’t say it too loud or everyone will want one, " Remus answered in a voice that was bordering on hysteria.
Sirius, Regulus and James turned to him, regarding him warily.
" Muggle joke, " Remus explained weakly.
Sirius cuffed Regulus around the head again.
" Now look what you did, " he rebuked him fiercely. " You’ve upset Moony and made him tell Muggle jokes. "
" Why do you call him Moony? " Regulus asked as Sirius walked clumsily over to his bed.
" It’s an affectionate nickname. Yours is going to be Pigboy. You alright with that, Pigboy? "
" Why is there a Slytherin in here? It’s Sirius’ brother isn’t it? " Peter pressed in a low voice to James. " And why are they holding hands? "
" We’re not holding hands! " Sirius near-shrieked. " It’s a spell, and we can’t seem to break it. So Regulus is going to spend the night here. "
" I don’t want to get changed in front of these Gryffindors Sirius, " Regulus whined as Sirius began to strip off.
" Don’t be such a wuss, " Sirius started to tell him but he stopped when he saw the pleading expression in his brother’s eyes.
He heaved a sigh then hooked out his spare pair of pyjamas and hauled his brother into the bathroom.
" Who else is gobsmacked that there is someone more annoying than Sirius in the world? " James asked as the others got ready for bed.
" I for one am not sure how we’re going to manage this, " Remus said seriously.
" They’ll kill each other before the weekend, " Peter predicted.
There was a yell from the bathroom followed by a burst of very bad language.
" I don’t think Sirius is setting a very good example for his little brother, " Remus said mildly.
The bathroom door was flung wide and Sirius and Regulus returned, wearing only their pyjama bottoms and carrying a pile of shredded robes. Regulus looked mutinous and Sirius was positively homicidal.
" We had to rip ourselves out of our robes, " Sirius explained, throwing the black bundle onto the floor. " I’ll have to order more from Madam Malkin, which is an expense I could really do without. "
" Father will buy me new ones, " Regulus said smugly.
" You ought to be thinking about standing on your own two feet. Mother and Father will buy you anything you want, but they expect things in return. You ought to bear that in mind. "
" Father would still be buying *you* things if you weren’t mentally subnormal. "
" Sirius isn’t mentally subnormal! " Remus objected angrily.
" Ignore it Moony, " Sirius said breezily. " Father would have me in St. Mungo’s if he possibly could. And Mother would have me in Azkaban. "
" Father misses you, " Regulus said meaningfully. " He just wants you to stop this nonsense. He says the house isn’t the same without his little Star around. Mother told him not to call you that anymore. "
" Father’s as bad as Mother in his own way and we’re not having this conversation. We’re going to sleep. "
Sirius shouldered his brother into bed then followed him. They didn’t look entirely comfortable.
" These beds aren’t big enough for two people, " Regulus complained, jostling roughly for more room.
" I’ve never had any problems, " Sirius contradicted him.
" Malfoy’s right: you *are* a whore. "
" Lets leave Malfoy out of this shall we? " James suggested, getting into bed.
" Mother said she would rather you were a whore for the Malfoys than a Gryffindor disgrace, " Regulus observed. " But Father said that no Black would ever serve a Malfoy while he lived. "
" Well at least I’m in one parent’s good books, " Sirius said wryly as Peter turned out the lights.
" Oh no, you’re not in Father’s good books, " Regulus said quickly. " He still hasn’t forgiven you for… "
There was a sudden muffling and Remus strongly suspected that Sirius was smothering his brother with a pillow but couldn’t see through the darkness. He waited for a few moments then felt compelled to speak.
" Best let him breathe again Padfoot. "
" I don’t need you sticking up for me, weirdo, " Regulus panted, apparently receiving oxygen again. " Argh! Get your wand out of my face! "
" Apologise you little runt! " Sirius growled.
" Sirius… " Remus protested mildly.
" Alright, sorry! " Regulus shouted.
" I humbly beg your forgiveness Mr Lupin, " Sirius insisted. " Say it! "
" I’m not talking like that to a halfblood! I’m a Black goddamn it! "
" You’ll be a dead Black in a minute! Say it! "
" Ow! Okay, okay! I humbly beg your forgiveness Mr Lupin! "
" That’s fine, " Remus said uncomfortably. " Stop hurting him Sirius. "
There was a discontented muttering but the shrieks of pain stopped. It was silent for a long time.
" In my dormitory we normally talk before we go to sleep, " Regulus said significantly into the silence.
" In our dormitory we don’t normally have Slytherin fourth-years nattering away, " Peter answered, his nerves overcome by his irritation.
" Nobody wants to talk to you Regulus, " Sirius added.
" Fine. Be that way. Bad-tempered bloody Gryffindors. "
The dormitory lapsed into silence. The boys’ breathing evened out and Remus wrapped his arm around his pillow, ready to let sleep take him.
" Regulus, " Sirius said sharply. " Stop doing that with my hand now. "
" I didn’t complain about having to help you piss earlier, " Regulus answered sulkily.
" Pissing is one thing. This is something else altogether. "
There was a long silence.
" Regulus, does my hand have to be so involved in this? "
Silence once more.
" Good god Regulus, would you please just come already? "
" Quit complaining. All teenage boys wank Sirius. "
" Not with their brother’s hand they don’t. Now hurry up. "
" If you’d help I’d be quicker. "
" I imagine this is why they say purebloods are so inbred, " Remus commented, trying not to sound excruciatingly embarrassed.
" Shut up Lupin. You wouldn’t know pure blood if it came up and bit you on the arse. "
" I assure you he would, " Sirius answered, the smirk audible in his voice. " Oh for Merlin’s sake, Regulus, here, like this. "
Again, silence. Then a gasp.
" Great, " Sirius muttered. " Now the bed’s sticky. Hey Moony, mind if I bunk with you? "
" Er… " Remus answered uncertainly.
" I’m not sleeping in a bed with him, " Regulus snorted.
" Too right you’re not, " Sirius retorted angrily. " You’ll be sleeping on the floor. "
" You could just do a Scourgify, " James suggested from the other side of the room.
" They never get it all and I’m not sleeping on my brother’s come. Pleeease Moony? "
" Yeah, alright, " Remus relented. " But three people in a bed really is impossible. "
" Actually… " Sirius began. " Nevermind. "
" Wait ‘til I tell Malfoy what a whore you are, " Regulus threatened.
" Tell Malfoy anything of the sort and you’ll regret it, " Remus said sharply.
He pulled the blankets back and felt Sirius creep in beside him, one arm tugging Regulus behind him. The younger boy dragged the quilts off Sirius’ bed and settled down on the floor, griping continuously. Sirius took full advantage and pressed closer to Remus who was timidly trying to disappear off the other side of the bed. He discovered a whole new strata of mortification in trying to hide an erection when an annoying younger brother is hanging off your heart-thumpingly-close object of desire.
" Give Lupin some space, " Regulus snapped. " He can hardly breathe with you that close, let alone sleep. Stop trying to cop a feel. "
" `Cop a feel`? " Sirius repeated in disgust. " My, aren’t you eloquent? What would Mother say to hear her precious little Reggie speaking so commonly? "
" And what would Father say to see his darling little Star snuggling up to… "
Regulus obviously thought better of finishing his sentence.
" Very wise, " Sirius barked. " Now, shut up and sleep before our parents lose *both* their sons! "
Remus woke early in the morning, before the others were even stirring. He was, in equal measures, delighted and horrified to find Sirius curled against him, head nestled under his arm. It never ceased to amaze Remus just how innocent and childlike Sirius could be when those expressive grey eyes weren’t on display. He followed the lines of Sirius’ body with his eyes, specifically the arm that was hanging off the side of the bed.
Moving as carefully as he could so he didn’t disturb Sirius, who he didn’t yet have the energy to face, Remus leant over his sleeping companion’s body and looked down.
Cold grey eyes met his. A baleful glare that could have killed were it not being delivered by a somewhat spotty fourteen year old.
" What do you want? " Regulus hissed.
Remus studied him for a minute, cataloguing the differences between him and his brother. While Sirius was tightly muscled, Regulus was still lanky. His black hair was cropped close to the head and his eyes didn’t have the flecks of black that danced so enticingly whenever Sirius was in extreme states of emotion. The younger boy’s features were softer, less defined; he lacked the chiselled cheekbones and long aquiline nose. He looked impish rather than aristocratic.
He would not grow up to look like Sirius, and for that Remus was obscurely grateful.
" Why did you say what you did about Severus Snape? " Remus asked finally, unsure why this question, out of all the ones charging through his mind, was the one he managed to voice.
" What? That he fancied you? "
Remus nodded. Regulus shrugged.
" ‘Cos he does. He always sticks up for you when the others are having a go. Says: yeah you may be an anti-social creep but you really know your stuff when it comes to DADA. Snape doesn’t have nice things to say about many people, especially not about Sirius. "
Regulus frowned for a moment then grinned suddenly, capturing just a spark of Sirius’ charm.
" So, are you going to dump my brother for Snape? "
" There’s nothing going on between Sirius and I, " Remus said sniffily, ignoring the tempting press of Sirius’ body beneath him.
" Malfoy’ll be so glad to hear that, " Regulus shot back with relish. " He said it was a shameful waste of pureblood for Sirius to be getting fucked by a… " He broke off, looking shamefaced and then arrogant. " Just because I don’t say it Lupin, doesn’t mean I don’t think it. "
" I’ll bear that in mind, " Remus said coolly. " So, why’s Malfoy so interested in Sirius? "
Regulus pulled an insulted expression.
" My brother’s beautiful. And he’s a Black. Everyone wants my brother. And not everyone has given up on him. Least of all Malfoy. "
It was so strange to hear the burn of pride in the boy’s voice when he talked of his disowned, scandalous brother. It reminded Remus of Sirius’ glowing eyes when he heard that Regulus had been picked for his House Quidditch team. Whatever divisions tore at the brothers, they were still kin. For now. It was all too easy to see, with the dark days coming, that it would not always be so.
" Has Malfoy always been… attracted to Sirius? "
Regulus grinned again.
" Since forever. It’s common knowledge that Julius Malfoy and Father planned for Lucius and Sirius to be bound when they were older. "
" A power bloc, " Remus translated.
" No-one would challenge the Malfoys *and* the Blacks. Sirius and Lucius would be unbeatable together. And Lucius was pretty keen on the idea. It used to be such a laugh, having to run off and hide before Malfoy spotted him at any of the family get-togethers, sneaking around with the House Elves ‘til it was time to go. "
The amused light in Regulus’ eyes died slowly.
" It wasn’t so funny the last few times, " he said quietly. " Everyone was angry with Sirius all the time. And Malfoy knew. Thought that Sirius should be… grateful. "
" Grateful? " Remus prodded gently as he trailed off, his lips set in a grim line.
" That Malfoy was still willing to have him, " he said bitterly. " Malfoy didn’t want me, thank Merlin. He wanted, *wants*, Sirius. I *hate* how they talk about him. If he was only there, if he was only a Slytherin, he’d show them, Malfoy wouldn’t be so pompous… I could be proud of him, if he’d only stop hanging around with Mudbloods and Muggle-lovers, degrading all that the Black Family stands for. "
" You *can* be proud of Sirius, " Remus disputed softly. " He stands by his beliefs, in the face of… losing everything he loves. He’s got integrity and… "
" Oh spare me! " Regulus hissed. " He’s… sick, and everyone knows it and he doesn’t care. And I have to listen to the… horrible things they say about him, and I have to agree, because they’re right! "
" No Regulus, " Remus started to say but the boy turned his face away.
It was quiet for a few moments and Remus tactfully pretended not to hear the stifled sobs.
" My arm hurts, " Sirius moaned, shifting dangerously-pleasurably below Remus. He cracked an eye open and smiled sleepily when he saw Remus. " Morning Moony. Sleep well? "
" You took up too much room, have an extremely high body-temperature and elbowed me a hundred and one times. "
" Sounds like a no, " Sirius murmured. He peered over the edge of the bed. " You awake yet Regulus? "
A muffled grunt answered him.
" Hey! " Sirius pressed. " Hey Regulus, are you crying? "
Regulus gave no response at all this time. Remus noticed Sirius’ eyes grow wide with concern and then almost missed the accusatory look that entered them a split second before he turned to the tawny-haired boy.
" Remus, have you made my baby brother cry? " Sirius demanded smartly.
" What? No! " Remus insisted, wondering how he’d managed to get dragged into this.
" I’m not crying, " Regulus interrupted.
" Nobody makes my brother cry but me, got that Moony? " Sirius persisted.
" Leave Lupin alone, " muttered Regulus. " I’m just, snuffly this morning. "
" Fraud. What’s wrong? "
" Nothing. "
" C’mon Reggie, " Sirius wheedled. " You can’t fool me. Let me see your pretty eyes when you say that. "
" If you must know, " Regulus snarled, finally turning his face back when he felt Sirius’ fingers creeping across his back threatening to tickle, " I was wondering how we’re going to get through this mess. "
Sirius tutted and rolled his eyes.
" Oh don’t worry about *that*, " he said dismissively. " We’ll get it all sorted. "
" Are you lot playing sardines over there? " James called out blearily, making out the odd tangle of Sirius leaning down to Regulus and both of them being leant over by Remus.
" Nah Prongs, " Sirius replied. " We’re just formulating a plan for today. "
" A plan that requires you all to be heaped in a pile, " James stated, unconvinced. " Yeah right. "
" Go back to sleep Jamie. We’re going to need all brains in full working-order to pull this off. "
A few hours later, when everyone in the dormitory realised that Regulus and Sirius were going to bicker continuously until they were otherwise occupied, a plan was decided upon.
It was simple enough. Sirius would accompany Regulus to his morning lessons under the Cloak, and then they would swap and Regulus hide during Sirius’ afternoon lessons.
" That way, you both only miss half a day, " James said triumphantly.
" Yeah, but we miss breakfast, " Sirius complained, disgruntled.
" And lunch, " Regulus agreed.
" There are too many people in the Great Hall, " Remus pointed out. " You wouldn’t be able to slip through unnoticed. "
" Well lets forget the cloak then during meals, " Regulus suggested.
" Let wiser heads deal with this, " Sirius told him firmly. " I can’t go and sit with the Slytherins, I’d be wearing my breakfast before I’d even sat down. And I imagine you’d not be doing your popularity any good by coming to sit on the Gryffindor table next to your shameful brother. "
" But we’re going to miss the food Sirius, " Regulus whined.
" You’d think you two never get fed, " Remus remarked impatiently.
" We’ll bring you food back here, " Peter offered.
" I like waffles, " Regulus said instantly. " And Sirius’ll want bacon with beans on toast. "
" I’ll do my ordering thank you very much, " Sirius snapped, before turning to Peter. " One plate of waffles and one beans on toast with a side order of bacon please Wormtail. "
" See? " Regulus could be heard crowing as the three Marauders left the dormitory.
" I have a new found respect for Mr and Mrs Black, " James commented conversationally as they made their way to breakfast. " Pureblood cultists they may be, but bringing up children like that, well, you can’t say they haven’t suffered. "
Later that afternoon, they stopped by the Great Hall again to collect food for the Blacks’ lunch, well aware of the reception they would be given if the brothers’ were forced to miss a meal. Passing through the Gryffindor common room, James, Peter and Remus went up to their dormitory.
Sirius and Regulus were sat on the floor. Sirius’ left hand was flicking through a fourth-year Herbology textbook, Regulus’ right hand was writing down whatever salient points Sirius was flinging at him and their `shared` hands had a half-eaten apple which was lifted to alternate mouths.
" Well? " James demanded. " How did it all go? "
Sirius shrugged.
" Wasn’t too bad, was it Reggie? "
" Hell no! I was given fifteen points in DADA this morning, " Regulus added. " I was even outdoing the snotty Ravenclaws. "
" *We* were outdoing them. " Sirius corrected with a grin. " You’d be amazed though how mouthy some of these little Slytherin gobshites are though, " he said to his friends. " I almost felt sorry for poor old Professor Grimnorre. "
" You won fifteen points for the Slytherins? " James asked in disbelief. " Just whose side are you on? "
" Gryffindor of course, " Sirius shot back. " But I’m not going to just leave my baby brother when he’s asked a question he doesn’t know the answer to. "
" But, it’s not like Regulus is going to be any help in your lessons, is it? " said Peter.
" He’s two years younger than us, " Remus replied delicately, " we can hardly expect him to know answers to questions that Sirius doesn’t, no offence Regulus. "
" Lupin’s right, " Regulus agreed. " You’re more likely to get points if I just keep my mouth shut and don’t try helping. "
" Do my ears deceive me? Regulus has not only consented to keep his mouth shut, but he’s also agreed with a Gryffindor. It doesn’t look good, does it Reggie-boy? " Sirius teased his brother. " I reckon you’ve caught the Gryffindor cooties. "
" Have not! " Regulus declared fiercely. " And I don’t see why we have to keep coming back to Gryffindor tower? Why not the dungeons? "
" Because I don’t want Slytherin slime all over my boots, that’s why. Now, this afternoon we’ve got History of Magic, which’ll be a breeze. Then it’s Transfiguration, and that’s our major concern. "
" Why’s that so bad? " Regulus asked, looking at the anxious faces around him.
" Because Professor McGonagall doesn’t miss a thing, " Remus explained.
" It could only be worse if Dumbledore himself was taking the lesson, " James agreed.
" Fingers crossed boys, " Sirius said briskly. " Worst case scenario, I get to see Prongs’ parents before he does this year. "
" And what about me? " Regulus insisted. " Mother will kill me if she finds out. "
" Just tell her I had you under the Imperious Curse. "
Regulus smiled evilly.
" That sounds like a dreadfully Slytherin-type thing to do, " he said quietly.
Sirius grinned.
" Best not tell her that then. Don’t want to get her hopes up, do we Reggie? "
As Sirius had predicted, History of Magic proved uneventful. There was a minor incident at the beginning of the lesson when, spotting that he was apparently sat alone, five different people attempted to sit by Sirius. James, Remus and Peter fielded them by liberally spreading the rumour that Sirius had a vial of Stinksap in his robes that he was dying to use on someone.
" Best not get too close then, eh? " James warned the blonde who had been approaching the empty chair rather hopefully. " Geez, " he muttered when she finally turned away as the lecture began, " Get over him already. "
The lecture passed at its customary snail-crawl, though Remus was interested to note that Regulus was obviously of the same mind as himself and believed that Sirius should at least put on a pretence of listening to Professor Binns. When Sirius cursed loudly and fell off his chair for no apparent reason, it was all Remus could do not to grin and applaud Regulus.
However, when it came to Transfiguration, applause was the last thing on his mind. Survival was of more immediate importance. He had seen Professor McGonagall notice the strangely empty chair by Sirius and Remus had forced his way into the chair on the other side of him, convinced that he would prove more competent at keeping Sirius’ `attachment` from discovery than either of the others.
Unfortunately, while James and Peter were suitably subdued in the face of peril, Sirius resorted to considering the whole thing an immensely amusing challenge.
" Mr. Black, why are you using your left hand today? " Professor McGonagall queried sharply as she patrolled the rows.
Sirius shrugged.
" The other one is… sore. "
" Indeed? And why is that? "
Sirius smiled charmingly.
" I imagine I must have been enjoying my own company a little too often recently. "
Remus winced and tried to sink below desk level.
" Considering the complaints I have received from the other House Heads regarding your night-time excursions into dormitories other than your own, I find that hard to believe, " she said coldly. " Your wand belongs in your right hand, Mr. Black. "
" One should always be ambidextrous though, don’t you agree Professor? " Sirius suggested winningly. " And see, this hands works just as well. " He tapped a stray pencil on his desk, intoned `Floribundus` and offered the resulting bunch of carnations to McGonagall.
She suppressed a smile then inclined her head gracefully.
" Very nicely done Mr. Black. But I am still waiting to see your wand in its rightful place. "
Her pedagogic instincts were obviously alert to student evasion, Remus thought grimly. If Sirius had just said, `oh sorry` and swapped, she would have undoubtedly left him alone. But now he had locked himself in a battle of wills.
" Though I hate to disappoint a lady, " Sirius replied silkily, " I’m afraid that is quite impossible. It’s become something of a personal quest for me, you see. "
" A personal quest to drive me to distraction? " McGonagall suggested.
" Do I distract you Professor? " Sirius asked with an angelic smile. " How fascinating. I shall have to bear that in mind… "
" Mr. Black, you go too far. "
" I was simply referring though, dear Professor McGonagall, to my personal quest to train my left hand to be as… useful and adept as my right. "
" What he means Professor is that he got botuber pus on his right hand and now has to use his left, " James put in wearily.
" Fingers full of pus, " Remus agreed. " And you know how vain he is, " he added in an undertone.
Sirius shot him an angry look but relented under the glares he received from James, Peter and Remus.
" It’s really very ugly, " he managed weakly.
Professor McGonagall raised her eyebrows but Sirius widened his eyes pathetically at her and batted his eyelashes.
" Horrifically ugly, especially on hands like mine " he lamented.
Finally her lips quirked into a smile.
" Very well Mr. Black. I shan’t interrupt your little project. I shall however expect ten inches on what problems you may expect to encounter in changing wand-hand and how you plan to surmount them. "
And the lesson continued.
-TBC-
Also posted on the SBRL mailing list.