a love song in four drafts (oneshot)
Title: A Love Song in Four Drafts
Pairing: Soohyun/Hoonmin, Soohyun/Kiseob, Soohyun/Junho
Word count: 7445
Rating: PG-13
Warning(s): character death/suicide, language, some sexual content
Summary: Soohyun rewrites his life.
Notes:
zenfu, this is only somewhat like what you wanted and highly experimental, but luckily I know you’d never hate me. ♥
Soohyun gets married a few days past his fortieth birthday, after nearly ten years of dating secretly. The wedding is rushed because the engagement is a surprise and extremely well-publicized because it's what the fans want. She wears a knee-length feathery wedding gown that's tinged just slightly pink and they're given a five page photo spread in one of the most popular idol magazines to celebrate, which Soohyun later regrets because he still can't stand to see himself in magazines.
The wedding itself is small and relatively private. They allow a few photographers in at the beginning, but the reception is closed to everyone but family and friends. Soohyun only lets himself breathe freely when his friends, bandmates, are back at his side, poking fun at his immaculate white suit. Jokwon is the best man, but Kiseob insists on making all of the ushers wear bright yellow bow ties. Having eight ushers may seem over the top, but they're the best group of idiotic ushers a man could ask for. As Soohyun takes her hand and they duck into the white limo, he spies Junho waving over the top of the crowd, grinning and mumbling something to Taecyeon.
The paper of the photo album are still a fresh white as Soohyun flips through the laminated pages, laughing to himself. The last page is filled with one huge group shot of everyone who attended the reception: Jokwon scowling with Soohyun’s arm wrapped around his shoulders because all of U-Kiss is on the opposite side making bunny ears on each other with their fingers. Soohyun’s mouth is wide open, frozen mid-laugh.
That night, Soohyun decides he’s going to write a love song- not just a love song, since he’s written plenty of those in his forty-five years, but a real love song. The song of his career, of his life.
Both Kevin and Hoonmin offer to help, but he politely brushes them off and locks himself in his study. She’s the only person he allows inside, her hand gently touching his shoulder to bring him out of his work-driven reverie in the evening when she brings him meals.
The weeks he spends alternating between his piano and his desk stretch into months. The hand that so lovingly touched his shoulder at the beginning becomes colder. Eventually she starts leaving a tray in front of his door because he no longer notices her presence in the room. He barely registers the change in routine, captivated by the mess of crumpled and ripped up music sheets taunting him around the room.
Two years pass by, and she leaves him. Soohyun gives his lawyer carte blanche as long as he ends the entire proceedings as quickly as possible. His study moves from their beautiful house to a small but spacious apartment. He no longer has someone to make and bring him his meals, so he resorts to bag after bag of carry out which sit in his fridge for days at a time.
He’s too busy to be ashamed of his life. He’s too obsessed to notice how no one calls him anymore, not even to fuss and worry and try to force him out of his cave. He sinks deeper and deeper into his world of furiously scratched out lyrics and failed melodies. The perfect song lurks somewhere inside him, but he doesn’t have the strength to find it.
Then he he gives up. He walks to the forgotten window in his new study and pulls the curtains open, the bright sunlight hurting his eyes. He gathers all of the stray papers and notebooks and tosses them into a metal trashcan in his living room. Having not eaten in days, he barely has the strength to flick the lighter open and drop the flame onto the mess that is his life.
He watches it burn and decides to start over.
second draft
Soohyun takes his seat next to Hoonmin at the long table as the fans fidget in their seemingly never-ending line a ways away. Kevin is waving to a particularly excited group of them and they scream, cameras flashing as Dongho leans across and pokes Kevin’s cheek. Kevin pretends to be annoyed and more screaming ensues.
“You think I’d be used to this by now,” Hoonmin mumbles so that only Soohyun can hear him. Soohyun smiles and waves at the fans.
“Nervous?” he asks through his smile.
“I think I’m going to puke.”
Almost breaking his composure, Soohyun swallows his laughter, but shoots his friend a look. Hoonmin doesn’t even try to resist, laughing out loud and grabbing Soohyun’s arm in a way that earns a whole new round of screams from the waiting crowd.
She’s the one hundred and third fan in line. He recognizes her pink coat from across the street and his chest tighens until he can hardly breathe as she begins to make her way down the line. First Kevin takes her hand with a kind smile; she smiles back. Then Kiseob strikes a cute poses and she giggles. The fresh sound of her laughter is hauntingly familiar. Hoonmin beams as he squeezes her hand and then it’s Soohyun’s turn.
“Hello, oppa,” she says with a wide grin.
“Hello,” he replies hoarsely. His hand is hot and sweaty as he robotically latches it around hers, but she doesn’t seem to mind. Her pretty face flushes a deep pink. And then she’s gone, ushered away by one of the many staff standing by. Another happy face replaces hers, but Soohyun only sees her.
An hour later the staff is rushing all seven of them toward the waiting vehicles. “You okay?” Hoonmin asks as he peers into Soohyun’s pale face.
“Just tired,” he mutters. Kevin and Jaeseob climb into the back of the van and Kiseob practically leaps between them, linking arms with Kevin and resting his head on Kevin’s shoulder. Dongho is muttering to himself and squeezing by Eli to claim the middle window seat, and Eli just rolls his eyes. The van looks too crowded already so the manager tells them to go ahead while they call for another. Soohyun shoves his hands into his coat pockets and watches his breath form white clouds in the cold air.
Hoonmin says something to the manager and they both laugh. The manager seems hesitant, but Hoonmin whines a little and pushes until the manager sighs and nods, waving his arms in a dismissive way. Soohyun isn’t paying attention and flinches when Hoonmon grabs his arm.
“What are you waiting for?” his friend asks, eyes wide and happy. “The manager just said we could take off.”
“Take off?” Soohyun tries in vain to grasp the meaning of the words but Hoonmin Is already dragging him down the street. A long forgotten memory resurfaces with a vengeance as Hoonmin heads for the series of barriers the staff had set up to keep the line in check. She’s waiting over there; he knows because they’ve done this before. He’ll see her and she’ll smile again and Hoonmin will elbow him until Soohyun asks for her phone number.
It ends with her being miserable.
Soohyun digs his heels in and Hoonmin grunts in frustration. “What’s the matter, hyung?” The tinge of annoyance in his voice is poorly disguised.
Laughing, Soohyun shrugs. “Want to get a drink? I know a bar this way.” He points them in the opposite direction and Hoonmin grins. He takes Soohyun’s hand and they take off toward a bar that may or may not exist, but the further they get away from her, the easier it is for Soohyun to breathe.
The problem with Soohyun’s desperate change of plans turns out not to be the question of whether or not there are any bars in the direction he’d pointed them. After all, when one is in the middle of Seoul, one is bound to run into at least two bars per block. They happen upon one that isn’t too grungy looking a few blocks down the street and Soohyun pretends that he’s been there before.
The problem is that Hoonmin, when drunk, is completely unlike any other drunk. He doesn’t get giggly, like Kiseob and Kevin. He doesn’t get groggy and start slurring like Eli. He certainly doesn’t start hitting on every female and female-like form around him like Jaeseob. When Hoonmin is drunk, he becomes one hundred percent more likely to make decisions which under no other circumstance would he ever make.
For example, after ranting for fifteen minutes about how he wishes they could get some simple choreography because, damn, he’s never moved this much while singing in his life, he blinks once and promptly stands right up from his stool, declaring, “I am going to dance.”
He turns to head for the small dance floor where a few other drunken miscreants were doing their best to sway to the beat. Soohyun catches his friend by the wrist and sets him gently back down in his seat, where he instead rests his head on his arms and falls fast asleep.
Around two a.m. Soohyun pays their bill and lifts Hoonmin onto his back. The man is as heavy as Soohyun expected and their going is slow through the dark streets. Only by some miracle does he manage to hail a taxi, tossing Hoonmin into the backseat and squeezing in beside him.
The apartment is dead silent as Soohyun half-drags, half-carries Hoonmin through the living room. By the time he manages to drop Hoonmin onto the bed, the man is wearily starting to come to.
“Where are we?” he groans and rubs his head. He pulls Soohyun’s blanket tighter around him and smacks his lips.
“My house.” Soohyun grins to keep from playfully scolding his friend. “I thought your family might be worried if I brought you back like this.”
“Mm, maybe,” Hoonmin agrees. A few seconds later, he starts to snore. Soohyun chuckles quietly and goes to pull out one of their extra futons from the hall closet.
Just as he’s about to drift off, an oddly awake voice whispers, “Hey, hyung?”
“What’s up?” Soohyun yawns and wishes he’d brushed his teeth; the sharp aftertaste of alcohol is strong on his breath.
“Have you ever been in love?”
He almost laughs. “Yeah, once.”
That seems to peak Hoonmin’s interest. “But not anymore?”
“That was a different time- a different world.” Soohyun’s smiling by his throat tightens as he imagines her waiting for hours beyond those barriers and not getting her happy ending. She’s better off, but she doesn’t know that.
The blanket on Soohyun’s bed rustle and Hoonmin lands on the floor with a thunk. “I must still be drunk,” he groans.
Soohyun rolls his eyes and sits up to pull Hoonmin over. They’re both smiling and Soohyun knows very well that Hoonmin is sober now.
“Really drunk,” Hoonmin insists, still grinning like he’s just pulled a prank on the whole world. He wraps his arms around Soohyun’s neck and drags them both back down. His kiss is sloppy and too eager, but Soohyun pulls him closer by the waist and enjoys the subtle feeling of Hoonmin’s heart beating against his chest.
It’s Hoonmin’s love song now.
At Hoonmin’s insistence, they keep their new relationship a secret from everyone, including the rest of U-Kiss. Between exchanged smiles during interviews and snack runs which take too long because they duck into an alley to kiss, their secret becomes a delicious taboo, only for the two of them.
Just once, they’re almost caught, when Dongho walks into a dressing room at the wrong moment and Soohyun has Hoonmin pinned against a closet. Dongho blinks a few times and Soohyun pretends to be fixing Hoonmin’s belt. Nevermind that Hoonmin isn’t wearing a belt, Dongho is exhausted enough to buy right into the ruse.
For five long, wonderfully risky years of stolen moments of intimacy, Soohyun enters the army. U-Kiss goes on hiatus as they begin solo activities, and Hoonmin decides to try life as a soloist once again. From his computer, Soohyun watches Hoonmin go on shows alone, then together with Kevin when they release a collaboration album. They keep in touch through e-mail and text, as well as the occasional visit, but at the end of the two years they’ve both decided that it’s time.
Instead of throwing a welcome back party for Soohyun, Soohyun and Hoonmin throw a special party of their own, where during one of the most candid and controversial toasts he’s ever given, Soohyun tells their family and friends that he and Hoonmin are in love.
The response is mixed, and Soohyun’s mother nearly faints. Their friends, on the other hand, are nothing but smiles and unsurprised congratulations. The only visibly uncertain member of the crowd is Junho, but he manages to crack a quick joke and say he’s glad Soohyun is happy.
“It’s not like you tried to hide it,” Dongho says disdainfully and Soohyun regrets not giving the boy his due credit for being so observant.
Jokwon gives him several hard punches on the arm for not telling him sooner; Nichkhun is overwhelming in his congratulations. “You know,” he says, completely unaware of the effect his words would have, “in the states, some gay couples have weddings.”
Kiseob latches onto the idea with a lethal passion, and after two of the busiest weeks of his life, even compared to U-Kiss’ most hectic periods of schedules, Soohyun is standing in a rented hotel ballroom, in a white suit, making his vows. The eight ushers and the best man, Jokwon, all sport bright yellow bow ties and Hoonmin never stops smiling.
Together Hoonmin and Soohyun start their own music label, with both of them composing and producing the music. Their first project is their own album, which tops charts and they even win a few mutizen awards, though Soohyun knows very well that it’s mostly due to the controversy surrounding their union.
Eventually, Soohyun decides to try writing that song again. This time, he has Hoonmin help, and after six sleepless months they make their exit from the music industry with the greatest song the two of them have ever written.
They retire, but Soohyun continues to listen to the song. It plays on the radio, following him wherever he goes, and it’s the only thing he listens to when he locks himself in his study. Hoonmin scolds him for not accepting their retirement, and Soohyun laughs at himself, too. But when he’s alone, he knows there’s a problem.
Something is missing. The song is beautiful, masterfully composed, but still empty. Even cliché at parts. The more he listens to it, the more flaws he finds. The ending is all wrong; the story is too clean-cut. This isn’t what love should be. Love is never this easy.
That night, Soohyun kisses Hoonmin before bed- a goodbye kiss- and puts their song through the shredder.
third draft
Kibum says something with a sarcastic smile and turns to leave. Soohyun yawns, limbs sore and sweaty from a day’s practice. He watches Kibum exit the building with a sad pang of irony.
He almost considers leaving himself until he remembers that he isn’t the only one still in the building. Grabbing his sweatshirt, he shoves the practice room door open in time to see Kiseob hanging upside down from the ballet bar. He only looks a little surprised to see Soohyun standing there.
“At this rate they’ll never let you debut,” Soohyun jokes. Kiseob climbs down with a resigned sigh and shrugs.
“Then I might as well enjoy myself, right?” Lacking its usual brightness, Kiseob’s voice is tired and dull. Soohyun chews his lip and wonders when Kibum’s biting sense of humor had started infecting him.
He picks up Kiseob’s bag and tosses him his jacket. “Come on; practice is over.”
Kiseob turns around and grins. “My favorite part of the day.” Soohyun buys them hot cans of coffee from the vending machines in the hallway to keep their hands warm and their heads clear on the way home.
The walk is unusually quiet. Soohyun can’t seem to find anything to say and Kiseob is off in his own world. He sips his coffee but makes no sign that he enjoys it. As they reach the entrance to Kiseob’s home, they pause and start up at the tall building.
“Do you think they’ll ever find a place for me?” Kiseob asks, not really directing the question at Soohyun, but instead the universe. His huge eyes are dark and glazed as he stares up at the night sky.
Soohyun frowns and taps the toe of his show on the sidewalk. “I think,” he says after a long few moments of trying to find the right words, “that you've already found your place.” The words still don’t sound right; they certainly aren’t as eloquent or as helpful as he’d hoped.
Kiseob beams nonetheless. The harsh light from the streetlamps makes his pale skin glow and Soohyun worries he might be staring a bit too much. Kiseob doesn’t seem to mind, and that only worries Soohyun more. The last thing Soohyun wants this time is to hurt someone else- in a few years, she’ll be waiting in hopes of meeting him and he won’t be there, and Hoonmin will be disappointed that Soohyun won’t go out with him that night. This isn’t their song anymore.
“You really do think too much,” Kiseob sighs. Soohyun blushes and stutters something about being tired, distracted, too stressed from getting ready for U-Kiss’ comeback. A knowing smile is on Kiseob’s face when Soohyun allows himself to look at his friend again. “See you tomorrow, hyung.”
After Kiseob enters the building, Soohyun remains there a while longer. He frowns up at the tall apartment building. No matter how many times he starts over, the ending is never in his hands.
As they prepare for their comeback, Soohyun finds himself using all of his free time to be with Kiseob. He knows it’s risky, but when he’s not around the perpetually perky boy, Soohyun has the itching feeling that Kiseob is thinking about him. Kiseob never seems surprised or bothered by Soohyun’s incessant invitations to lunch, dinner, or late night dance practice sessions.
When they say their goodbyes each night in front of Kiseob’s house, Kiseob always gives Soohyun the same look, like he’s waiting for his friend to finally tell him something he’s dying to get off his chest.
Soohyun knows what he wants to tell him, but he’s not sure if this is how it’s supposed to go. If he’s not supposed to end up with her, not supposed to be with Hoonmin, is Kiseob the answer?
In a few days, they will announce that Kiseob is to be the seventh member of U-Kiss, and Soohyun hopes it will be enough of a distraction to put a halt on whatever strange mechanics of fate seem to be occurring around him. The group is ecstatic when they find out, and Kiseob even more so. He’s so happy that in the midst of their celebration that night, when the others are getting groggy and send him and Soohyun out to get coffee for everyone, he corners Soohyun in the hallway and makes himself the answer.
The others find them out within days. Soohyun worries that maybe they should have been more careful, but stealth has never been Kiseob’s forte and it’s so much fun to be out in the open. Kibum scolds them both firmly that no one outside of the group can find out about this and Soohyun agrees, knowing he should feel more guilty but too drunk with his new happiness feel anything else.
At first, everything is easy. Kiseob sleeps over every night using the excuse that Soohyun’s house is closer to NHM’s building than his own, and both of their families buy it. Soohyun cannot believe his luck as he joins Kiseob on the floor night after night, Soohyun’s bed much too small, kissing and letting Kiseob’s cold hands feel under his clothing.
Rehearsals are easy, too, because they agree from the very beginning that U-Kiss is everything. Only when their intense practice sessions are done does Soohyun allow himself to curl around Kiseob and kiss his shoulder when he’s sure no one is looking.
“You two are disgusting,” Dongho grumbles from the dance room floor as Soohyun and Kiseob cuddle on the small couch in the corner. The managers and teachers think nothing of it, long used to the sometimes overly cuddly nature of their stars’ friendships.
Smirking, Kiseob gives Soohyun a lingering peck on the lips just as their manager turns away. Dongho groans and rolls to face the other way and Soohyun's heart leaps into his throat. He stays utterly still as he waits to make sure no one has seen anything. Kiseob looks proud as can be, but for the first time Soohyun realizes that this isn’t always going to be so easy.
One week later, they re-enter the idol world, and everything goes to hell.
It starts during MNET Countdown, their first comeback stage. While they’re waiting to record, the two of them sneak off to an empty dressing room. Kiseob’s lips are on Soohyun’s throat, facing the opposite direction, when the door suddenly opens and a staff member walks through. Her eyes widen, clipboard in hand. Soohyun freezes and Kiseob only registers the gravity of the situation when he turns all the way around. The woman looks at Soohyun, then at Kiseob. Her mouth hangs open and then she lowers her eyes, backing out of the room.
Soohyun swallows and glances at Kiseob. His face is disturbingly pale, like death, but his eyes hold a glimmer of hope and Soohyun tries to make himself think positively, too. Maybe she won’t tell anyone. Maybe they’re still safe.
The hallway is empty when they step out of the room. Soohyun chooses to take that as a good sign. They wander back to U-Kiss’ practice room and pretend to have gotten lost. Eli teases them and Kibum rolls his eyes. The group’s seemingly clueless demeanor comforts them, and they take their seats to wait for their turn.
“How did you manage to get your hair so messed up?” a stylist sighs as she rushes to apply more hairspray to Kiseob’s slightly askew coif.
He laughs nervously and shrugs his shoulders. They don’t dare look at each other until all seven of them are led out into the hallway. As they pass the staff members, Soohyun notices the suspicious looks and poorly concealed whispers. He recognizes the woman from before standing with a group of other staff members, and she points at Soohyun as they pass.
He waits on pins and needles that night for something to happen. After the recording, they climb into the van to move to their next scheduled event. Soohyun borrows Eli’s phone to check the celebrity gossip sites, but finds nothing. He breathes a sigh of relief, but it was just the beginning.
Mere weeks later, all Soohyun sees when he opens his eyes in the morning are the headlines:
Two undisclosed male idols reveals to be gay,
Weeks after comeback, U-Kiss stained by gay controversy: NHM refuses to comment,
Homosexual in the entertainment industry: is this only the beginning?,
Netizins call for gay male idols Shin Soohyun and Lee Kiseob to leave U-Kiss!
His life becomes one endless press conference. He goes home only to hear his mother crying in her bedroom, refusing to come out or speak to her son. Under strict orders reinforced by threats of legal action, Soohyun and Kiseob cannot see each other.
Worst of all, U-Kiss’ comeback comes to a complete stand-still. The other members try to be as supportive of they can, but their frustration and anger is clear in their eyes. Their texts become fewer and fewer and after a month, Soohyun stops trying to contact them.
We’ll be back together soon, he tells himself, and I’ll make this up to them. He continues to send texts to Kiseob, and the responses are always positive and reassuring. At least there’s one thing he doesn’t have to worry about, or so he thinks.
Another month passes by and, contrary to what NHM’s executives had thought, the issue doesn’t blow over. Their manager looks pushed to the limit when he visits Soohyun every day. “The problem is that we’ve never had to tackle a problem like this before. Homosexuality isn’t something people can just let go off after a few weeks.”
Despite knowing this already, hearing it deflates him of what little energy he has left. When the manager offers one last solution, that he and Kiseob hold one last press conference together and tell the public that they are not gay, nor in love, Soohyun agrees right away.
Soohyun texts Kiseob that night: I know it’s a lie, but this may be our only shot at saving U-Kiss. It won’t mean anything, right? Kiseob doesn’t reply, but Soohyun thinks nothing of it. The manager calls that night to say that Kiseob has agreed to the press conference. A fresh start is just around the corner, and Soohyun can only hope it comes quickly.
Kiseob never makes it to the press conference. The next day he swallows a whole bottle of pills and dies quietly, alone, in his bedroom. Soohyun doesn’t find out until late that night, through their manager because he’s Soohyun’s only link to the outside world. The news hits Soohyun cold; from the beginning to the end, Kiseob had done exactly as he wanted.
He almost doesn’t attend Kiseob’s wake. He’s already decided that this isn’t going to be the end. Kiseob deserves a better love song than this, even if it’s with someone else. The other U-Kiss members seem surprised to see him, but happy. Kevin can’t stop crying and Kibum seems displeased by Soohyun’s own lack of tears.
The bright yellow bow tie around Kiseob’s neck is the last straw, though. As the first few tears cloud his eyes, Soohyun quietly says goodbye, singing the bit of the song he’d already started writing for the two of them.
fourth draft
“Are you crying?” Jokwon asks with disgruntled concern- disgruntled only because at the moment they’re supposed to be walking to their vocal training, not standing in the middle of the hallway crying for no explicable reason.
Soohyun rubs at his eyes and coughs. “Ah, sorry. I was thinking about something.”
Jokwon’s frown deepens as they continue down the hall, patting Soohyun on the back in an awkwardly reassuring way. By the time their lessons are over, Soohyun’s managed to shake off the residual feelings. Kiseob is okay now; everything is going to be okay.
On their way out of the JYPE building, the two of them run into Jay, Junho and Taecyeon. Jay cracks a joke in English which only Taecyeon understands, leaving Jokwon frustrated and the other two staring on in amusement. Junho catches Soohyun’s eye and winks, and the two of them sneak away while the others are distracted. Jokwon will make him pay for it later, but Soohyun can’t hide the gleeful grin on his face as they round a corner and wait for the bickering bunch to make their way by, Jokwon berating Jay all the while.
“I have no idea how you can spend so much time around him,” Junho sighs. “It must be exhausting.”
Soohyun shrugs and they leave their hiding spot, heading in the opposite direction of the others. Better not to invoke his best friend’s wrath too early. “That attitude is mostly fake. He’s actually relatively calm when you get him alone.”
Junho gives him a look that says he’ll believe it when he sees it and Soohyun laughs. “Alright, there are certain moments…”
Now they’re laughing together, huddled in their winter coats as they walk home.
Junho isn’t one of the trainees whom Soohyun usually seeks out for company. They don’t attend the same vocal lessons, and in general gravitate toward different groups of trainees, but Junho is always Soohyun knows he can strike up a random conversation with. As Junho had suggested, spending all of his time with Jokwon could get a little exhausting.
“You’re going to ditch me,” Jokwon sighs melodramatically one day after dance practice. “I can sense it.”
Soohyun puts on a nasty smile and wraps his arms around Jokwon’s waist. “Could I do that to you? I love you,” he coos.
“Y’all are fucking gay,” Jay grumbles as he passes by followed, as always, by Taecyeon. The words may be in another language, but both of them know what they mean by now.
“One day you’re going to get sick of me and leave me for Dongwoon!” Jokwon fakes a sob and pushes Soohyun away. “Or Junho.”
Letting go of his friend, Soohyun stoops to pick up his bag. “I do miss Dongwoon.”
Immediately hands are on hips and Jokwon flares up in one of his signature but fake fits. “You just saw that kid this morning! This is exactly what I was talking about.” His amusement sneaks into his glare. “I’m watching you, cheater Shin Soohyun. And here comes your new lover.”
From across the room, Junho jogs up to the two of them, looking worried when Jokwon scoffs and walks away. “Don’t mind him. We’re having marital problems.”
It takes Junho a moment to understand that it’s a joke, and then he laughs a little, albeit awkwardly. “Do you have time after practice?” he asks after a moment of stumbling over his words.
Soohyun blinks and nods. “Sure, why?”
“Mind if we grab dinner?” The poor guy looks to nervous and ready to flee that Soohyun agrees right away, smiling to himself as he watches Junho run off.
There are noodles dangling out of Junho’s open mouth as he talks to Soohyun. The conversation starts off slow, as they’ve never had much of a chance to talk one-on-one for an extended period of time. Eventually, though, Junho manages to shake off his earlier nerves and talks excitedly, almost too quickly for Soohyun to understand.
“And, you know, you and Jokwon are just so great. When you sing, even the teachers look amazed! Sure, they still criticize you, but everyone can tell that they just do it because it looks bad if they don’t.”
The bowl of noodles in front of Soohyun is going cold, but he’s too amused by Junho to eat. Besides, he hadn’t really been all that hungry when he’d accepted the invitation. “Is that so?” he says mostly to fill the void as Junho shovels in another mouthful.
“Seriously,” he insists. He waves his chopsticks around as he goes on. “You two and Changmin-hyung and Seulong-hyung are way better than the rest of us. Jinwoon, too, actually. I mean, Jaebum-hyung is pretty okay, too, but compared to you guys…” He trails off and smiles to himself. “If he heard me say this, I’d be so dead.”
“You seem to have a lot on your mind.” Soohyun takes up his chopsticks and pokes at his cold noodles. They don’t look particularly appetizing, but Junho is starting to make weird faces at Soohyun’s bowl. He chews on them slowly, and they aren’t inedible.
Junho pauses, his bowl empty. “I’m sorry to suddenly invite you out like this.” His face is a little red, though it may be from the cold.
Soohyun shrugs. “It’s not a problem. I’m having a good time.”
“Really?” He smiles at his bowl of noodles and drums his fingers anxiously. “I was actually, um." He stops and swallows. “I was actually hoping you could do me a favor.”
His bowl is almost empty now, and Soohyun is surprised that the noodles taste pretty good toward the bottom. “Favor?” he asks, not really paying attention.
“Could you practice singing with me? You know, after official training?”
Soohyun pauses over his bowl and frowns into it, not wanting Junho to see his expression. He knows what his answer should be. Sorry, Junho, but I don’t have time. And in truth, he really doesn’t. The mere hours they’re given outside of training are meant for sleeping and eating. He looks up to say as much and falters.
He knows all too well where this is going to end up. He’s tried to finish his song twice now and with disastrous results. Junho must understand Soohyun’s hesitation because he laughs sheepishly.
“I understand if you can’t. I just… I don’t know, I want to get better. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s a big deal I even got this far, but then I see trainees like you and Jokwon and I wonder why I’m here at all. I can sing, but I’m not the best. I can dance, but I’m not the best.”
Soohyun throat feels impossibly dry as Junho’s sincerity wreaks havoc on his resolve. “You have your own talents, Junho, trust me.”
Junho smiles his signature, perfect smile, the smile that he’s famous for within the company. Sighing one last helpless sigh, Soohyun swallows the rest of the cold broth in his bowl.
“Okay, you win.”
Soohyun can see it coming from the moment they start their late night practice sessions. Most of the time is spent lying on their backs on the dance room floors, letting their voices project upwards. Half of that time is wasted laughing every time one of both of them makes a mistake. Every session ends with dinner at that same noodle stand and Junho praising Soohyun’s voice.
“You dance really well, too,” Junho says one night. “No one else notices, but I do. You practice really hard.” And then he blushes like he tends to when he goes a little too far. Soohyun laughs it off and they continue eating like nothing happened.
Soohyun knows what’s coming, and it terrifies him.
Junho stops singing and stares at the ceiling. Soohyun continues on, enjoying the sound of his voice in the room’s nice acoustics. It’s a song he knows by heart, one of the one’s the vocal teachers always make them sing, so he just keeps singing until he reaches the end. The silence is invasive and foreign, but he patiently waits for Junho.
“I think I’m improving,” his friend finally says.
“You definitely are.” Soohyun sneaks a glance Junho’s way but he's still staring directly up at the ceiling.
“To be honest, I was worried that I wouldn’t. Then I really would have been a failure.”
Soohyun rolls onto his stomach and starts to protest, but Junho cuts him off, still staring upward.
“No, really. I thought, if I don’t even improve after hanging around with him, there’s no hope for me.”
Rolling his eyes, Soohyun rests his chin on his arms. “You didn’t improve by hanging around me. It’s practice.”
Junho frowns at the ceiling. “That’s not how I think. I think that by being with you, I become a better person. You make me work harder, which makes me improve. All I’m doing is pathetically trying to catch up to you and somehow it’s working.” He contemplates his words and rolls over to face Soohyun, face comically serious.
“You have a strange way of thinking,” Soohyun muses aloud.
His friend smiles. “Maybe. But no matter what, I’m grateful for what you’ve done for me.” That habitual blush creeps across his cheeks and he buries half of his face behind his arms. “Before I asked you to help me, I was actually too intimidated to talk to you.”
Now it’s Soohyun’s turn to grin. He crawls on his stomach and raps on Junho’s skull with his knuckles. “What the hell is going on in there, seriously?” Junho laughs out loud and grabs Soohyun’s arm, pulling him into a strange horizontal head lock. The room echoes with obnoxious laughter and Soohyun manages to flip his attacker over onto his back, pinning his arms across his chest. “So much for being intimidated?” he growls as Junho tries to kick out from beneath him.
For the first time since they started spending time together, Junho smirks at Soohyun. He challenge is implicit in that mocking expression, We’re even, so now what?
“It’s your move, Shin Soohyun.”
Despite all of Soohyun’s weak protests that they should go home or at least somewhere not in the JYPE building, he lets Junho drag him down the empty hallway, Junho’s hands greedily moving under the back of Soohyun’s t-shirt and his mouth stifling his words. Suddenly it’s dark, and he realizes that Junho’s moved them into one of the bigger closets down the hall, though he’s not sure why Junho assumes this is any safer.
He opens his mouth to say as much, and Junho bites his lip. Then he’s shoved onto a pile of old futons that the boys used when they had overnight workshops. Junho is apparently thinking far more clearly than Soohyun gave him credit for.
“I really like you,” Junho whispers breathlessly as he tugs Soohyun’s shirt over his head. Soohyun can only sit and watch Junho’s feverish eyes explore his body; he can’t even think to be embarrassed by it. “I’ve always liked you.”
“I know,” Soohyun mumbles back, almost cut off once again by Junho’s mouth. With noticeable hesitation Junho presses his body against Soohyun’s, and the sudden warmth makes both of them shiver. The futons smell old and dusty as they give way beneath their combined weight. Soohyun kisses the base on Junho’s throat and sighs at Junho’s surprised moan.
Smiling, Soohyun lets himself lie all the way back and enjoys the embarrassed flush that reddens Junho’s face when he realizes that he’s straddling the man beneath him. “I don’t really know what to do.” Soohyun laughs wickedly and rubs Junho through his gym throats, earning a beautiful hiss.
“Just let me,” he says and pulls Junho against him.
Soohyun wakes up the next morning with a melody in his head- something sweet, hesitant and yet secretly intense. He moves his fingers across Junho’s naked back like he’s pressing a piano’s keys. He hits a ticklish spot and the boy laughs, but very quietly.
“We should probably go,” Junho says, back still turned, and he begins to grope for his clothes.
Soohyun lets out a long yawn and scratches his head. “Yeah, it’s still early but we should at least go home and change our clothes.”
Junho grunts a response and Soohyun pouts at that beautiful naked back that Junho is throwing dirty clothes over. This time the song is coming to him easily, perfectly, the more he stares at Junho.
Both of them are completely dressed and near the exit when Junho finally speaks. “I don’t think we should do that again.” All of the confidence, all of the joy that had been in that voice the night before is gone, drained away and leaving what's left sadly colorless.
He lets his bag drop to the ground. “What do you mean?”
Junho turns and stares at Soohyun’s shoes. “What I told you last night is true; I like you, I really, really, like you, but we shouldn’t have done… that.” He’s blushing and Soohyun wants to kiss him, but there are people milling about on the streets outside in the early morning light.
“I don’t like you,” Soohyun replies with a smile. “I love you, Junho.”
Junho raises his eyes to meet Soohyun’s and responds mechanically, “Love is between a man and a woman, Soohyun.”
He should have expected as much, but it comes as a hard shock when Soohyun realizes that his practice sessions with Junho are over. Junho barely utters a word to Soohyun, almost exclusively in greeting. Jokwon is happy that Soohyun has his free time back but seems to sense his best friend’s new melancholy, because he doesn’t press when Soohyun shakes off his questions about Junho.
The song that had been forming in Soohyun’s mind almost dies, but resurfaces with a maddening persistence as he tries to forget the entire thing. He doesn’t want this song, but it cements itself to his subconscious and chases him.
This is his song, and he knows it. This is the song he’s been searching for. He catches Junho’s sad, lifeless eyes watching him during practice when the teacher calls Soohyun out for not keeping up with the beat.
Soohyun resigns himself to this fate, this song, but Junho doesn't have to live like this. Like the others, Junho deserves better, so Soohyun lets him forget.
fifth final draft
"Sorry, Junho, but I don't have time."
Junho looks terribly disappointed, but mumbles that it's alright. He'll get someone else to help. Soohyun knows that Junho never asks anyone else, but goes about as if nothing has happened. The two of them continue to work hard, separately. They never become all that close, but now and then Soohyun finds an excuse to start a conversation. It's always painfully stunted, and being even within a meter of Junho is enough to make Soohyun's head spin, but he suffers through it. This is their song.
For some strange, unknown reason, Junho, too, seems to be suffering. Soohyun catches the boy watching him closely when he thinks Soohyun isn't paying attention. His looks are always angry, like they're cursing Soohyun for taking something important away from him. Maybe they are cursing him.
Perhaps those stares are one of the many reasons Soohyun decides to leave JYPE. Jokwon goes into mourning and all of the trainees are sad to see him go, but Soohyun knows that this is the path he's meant to take. He tries his luck in another company, and then finally ends up in NHM.
He meets Kiseob, but they never walk home together.
He meets Hoonmin, but they never go out drinking together.
He meets her, too, but earlier this time. Alone in a bar on New Years Eve, he happens to spot her sitting at a table with a few friends. All of them are staring at him, obviously aware of who he is. A rush of apprehension makes me almost bolt out the door, but then, very slowly, he walks to their table. He talks to them and gives them autographs, even taking pictures with them. She won't have to wait for him in the cold after a handshake event this time. He gets her phone number when her friends go to the bar to get another round of drinks.
They get married a few months before he enters the army in a small, private wedding on the beach. Soohyun demands that not paparazzi be allowed near the event and treats her like a princess. Jokwon is his best man, but Kiseob insists that all of the ushers wear bright yellow bow ties. Despite Soohyun's insistent invitation, Junho doesn't come to the ceremony.
Ten years a two children later, Soohyun sits down at his piano and finishes his love song. It comes as easily to him as a forgotten dream-- or four-- and he completes the project in under three months.
She's the first person to hear it when it's finished, and she thinks it's about her.
Pairing: Soohyun/Hoonmin, Soohyun/Kiseob, Soohyun/Junho
Word count: 7445
Rating: PG-13
Warning(s): character death/suicide, language, some sexual content
Summary: Soohyun rewrites his life.
Notes:
zenfu, this is only somewhat like what you wanted and highly experimental, but luckily I know you’d never hate me. ♥
Soohyun gets married a few days past his fortieth birthday, after nearly ten years of dating secretly. The wedding is rushed because the engagement is a surprise and extremely well-publicized because it's what the fans want. She wears a knee-length feathery wedding gown that's tinged just slightly pink and they're given a five page photo spread in one of the most popular idol magazines to celebrate, which Soohyun later regrets because he still can't stand to see himself in magazines.
The wedding itself is small and relatively private. They allow a few photographers in at the beginning, but the reception is closed to everyone but family and friends. Soohyun only lets himself breathe freely when his friends, bandmates, are back at his side, poking fun at his immaculate white suit. Jokwon is the best man, but Kiseob insists on making all of the ushers wear bright yellow bow ties. Having eight ushers may seem over the top, but they're the best group of idiotic ushers a man could ask for. As Soohyun takes her hand and they duck into the white limo, he spies Junho waving over the top of the crowd, grinning and mumbling something to Taecyeon.
The paper of the photo album are still a fresh white as Soohyun flips through the laminated pages, laughing to himself. The last page is filled with one huge group shot of everyone who attended the reception: Jokwon scowling with Soohyun’s arm wrapped around his shoulders because all of U-Kiss is on the opposite side making bunny ears on each other with their fingers. Soohyun’s mouth is wide open, frozen mid-laugh.
That night, Soohyun decides he’s going to write a love song- not just a love song, since he’s written plenty of those in his forty-five years, but a real love song. The song of his career, of his life.
Both Kevin and Hoonmin offer to help, but he politely brushes them off and locks himself in his study. She’s the only person he allows inside, her hand gently touching his shoulder to bring him out of his work-driven reverie in the evening when she brings him meals.
The weeks he spends alternating between his piano and his desk stretch into months. The hand that so lovingly touched his shoulder at the beginning becomes colder. Eventually she starts leaving a tray in front of his door because he no longer notices her presence in the room. He barely registers the change in routine, captivated by the mess of crumpled and ripped up music sheets taunting him around the room.
Two years pass by, and she leaves him. Soohyun gives his lawyer carte blanche as long as he ends the entire proceedings as quickly as possible. His study moves from their beautiful house to a small but spacious apartment. He no longer has someone to make and bring him his meals, so he resorts to bag after bag of carry out which sit in his fridge for days at a time.
He’s too busy to be ashamed of his life. He’s too obsessed to notice how no one calls him anymore, not even to fuss and worry and try to force him out of his cave. He sinks deeper and deeper into his world of furiously scratched out lyrics and failed melodies. The perfect song lurks somewhere inside him, but he doesn’t have the strength to find it.
Then he he gives up. He walks to the forgotten window in his new study and pulls the curtains open, the bright sunlight hurting his eyes. He gathers all of the stray papers and notebooks and tosses them into a metal trashcan in his living room. Having not eaten in days, he barely has the strength to flick the lighter open and drop the flame onto the mess that is his life.
He watches it burn and decides to start over.
second draft
Soohyun takes his seat next to Hoonmin at the long table as the fans fidget in their seemingly never-ending line a ways away. Kevin is waving to a particularly excited group of them and they scream, cameras flashing as Dongho leans across and pokes Kevin’s cheek. Kevin pretends to be annoyed and more screaming ensues.
“You think I’d be used to this by now,” Hoonmin mumbles so that only Soohyun can hear him. Soohyun smiles and waves at the fans.
“Nervous?” he asks through his smile.
“I think I’m going to puke.”
Almost breaking his composure, Soohyun swallows his laughter, but shoots his friend a look. Hoonmin doesn’t even try to resist, laughing out loud and grabbing Soohyun’s arm in a way that earns a whole new round of screams from the waiting crowd.
She’s the one hundred and third fan in line. He recognizes her pink coat from across the street and his chest tighens until he can hardly breathe as she begins to make her way down the line. First Kevin takes her hand with a kind smile; she smiles back. Then Kiseob strikes a cute poses and she giggles. The fresh sound of her laughter is hauntingly familiar. Hoonmin beams as he squeezes her hand and then it’s Soohyun’s turn.
“Hello, oppa,” she says with a wide grin.
“Hello,” he replies hoarsely. His hand is hot and sweaty as he robotically latches it around hers, but she doesn’t seem to mind. Her pretty face flushes a deep pink. And then she’s gone, ushered away by one of the many staff standing by. Another happy face replaces hers, but Soohyun only sees her.
An hour later the staff is rushing all seven of them toward the waiting vehicles. “You okay?” Hoonmin asks as he peers into Soohyun’s pale face.
“Just tired,” he mutters. Kevin and Jaeseob climb into the back of the van and Kiseob practically leaps between them, linking arms with Kevin and resting his head on Kevin’s shoulder. Dongho is muttering to himself and squeezing by Eli to claim the middle window seat, and Eli just rolls his eyes. The van looks too crowded already so the manager tells them to go ahead while they call for another. Soohyun shoves his hands into his coat pockets and watches his breath form white clouds in the cold air.
Hoonmin says something to the manager and they both laugh. The manager seems hesitant, but Hoonmin whines a little and pushes until the manager sighs and nods, waving his arms in a dismissive way. Soohyun isn’t paying attention and flinches when Hoonmon grabs his arm.
“What are you waiting for?” his friend asks, eyes wide and happy. “The manager just said we could take off.”
“Take off?” Soohyun tries in vain to grasp the meaning of the words but Hoonmin Is already dragging him down the street. A long forgotten memory resurfaces with a vengeance as Hoonmin heads for the series of barriers the staff had set up to keep the line in check. She’s waiting over there; he knows because they’ve done this before. He’ll see her and she’ll smile again and Hoonmin will elbow him until Soohyun asks for her phone number.
It ends with her being miserable.
Soohyun digs his heels in and Hoonmin grunts in frustration. “What’s the matter, hyung?” The tinge of annoyance in his voice is poorly disguised.
Laughing, Soohyun shrugs. “Want to get a drink? I know a bar this way.” He points them in the opposite direction and Hoonmin grins. He takes Soohyun’s hand and they take off toward a bar that may or may not exist, but the further they get away from her, the easier it is for Soohyun to breathe.
The problem with Soohyun’s desperate change of plans turns out not to be the question of whether or not there are any bars in the direction he’d pointed them. After all, when one is in the middle of Seoul, one is bound to run into at least two bars per block. They happen upon one that isn’t too grungy looking a few blocks down the street and Soohyun pretends that he’s been there before.
The problem is that Hoonmin, when drunk, is completely unlike any other drunk. He doesn’t get giggly, like Kiseob and Kevin. He doesn’t get groggy and start slurring like Eli. He certainly doesn’t start hitting on every female and female-like form around him like Jaeseob. When Hoonmin is drunk, he becomes one hundred percent more likely to make decisions which under no other circumstance would he ever make.
For example, after ranting for fifteen minutes about how he wishes they could get some simple choreography because, damn, he’s never moved this much while singing in his life, he blinks once and promptly stands right up from his stool, declaring, “I am going to dance.”
He turns to head for the small dance floor where a few other drunken miscreants were doing their best to sway to the beat. Soohyun catches his friend by the wrist and sets him gently back down in his seat, where he instead rests his head on his arms and falls fast asleep.
Around two a.m. Soohyun pays their bill and lifts Hoonmin onto his back. The man is as heavy as Soohyun expected and their going is slow through the dark streets. Only by some miracle does he manage to hail a taxi, tossing Hoonmin into the backseat and squeezing in beside him.
The apartment is dead silent as Soohyun half-drags, half-carries Hoonmin through the living room. By the time he manages to drop Hoonmin onto the bed, the man is wearily starting to come to.
“Where are we?” he groans and rubs his head. He pulls Soohyun’s blanket tighter around him and smacks his lips.
“My house.” Soohyun grins to keep from playfully scolding his friend. “I thought your family might be worried if I brought you back like this.”
“Mm, maybe,” Hoonmin agrees. A few seconds later, he starts to snore. Soohyun chuckles quietly and goes to pull out one of their extra futons from the hall closet.
Just as he’s about to drift off, an oddly awake voice whispers, “Hey, hyung?”
“What’s up?” Soohyun yawns and wishes he’d brushed his teeth; the sharp aftertaste of alcohol is strong on his breath.
“Have you ever been in love?”
He almost laughs. “Yeah, once.”
That seems to peak Hoonmin’s interest. “But not anymore?”
“That was a different time- a different world.” Soohyun’s smiling by his throat tightens as he imagines her waiting for hours beyond those barriers and not getting her happy ending. She’s better off, but she doesn’t know that.
The blanket on Soohyun’s bed rustle and Hoonmin lands on the floor with a thunk. “I must still be drunk,” he groans.
Soohyun rolls his eyes and sits up to pull Hoonmin over. They’re both smiling and Soohyun knows very well that Hoonmin is sober now.
“Really drunk,” Hoonmin insists, still grinning like he’s just pulled a prank on the whole world. He wraps his arms around Soohyun’s neck and drags them both back down. His kiss is sloppy and too eager, but Soohyun pulls him closer by the waist and enjoys the subtle feeling of Hoonmin’s heart beating against his chest.
It’s Hoonmin’s love song now.
At Hoonmin’s insistence, they keep their new relationship a secret from everyone, including the rest of U-Kiss. Between exchanged smiles during interviews and snack runs which take too long because they duck into an alley to kiss, their secret becomes a delicious taboo, only for the two of them.
Just once, they’re almost caught, when Dongho walks into a dressing room at the wrong moment and Soohyun has Hoonmin pinned against a closet. Dongho blinks a few times and Soohyun pretends to be fixing Hoonmin’s belt. Nevermind that Hoonmin isn’t wearing a belt, Dongho is exhausted enough to buy right into the ruse.
For five long, wonderfully risky years of stolen moments of intimacy, Soohyun enters the army. U-Kiss goes on hiatus as they begin solo activities, and Hoonmin decides to try life as a soloist once again. From his computer, Soohyun watches Hoonmin go on shows alone, then together with Kevin when they release a collaboration album. They keep in touch through e-mail and text, as well as the occasional visit, but at the end of the two years they’ve both decided that it’s time.
Instead of throwing a welcome back party for Soohyun, Soohyun and Hoonmin throw a special party of their own, where during one of the most candid and controversial toasts he’s ever given, Soohyun tells their family and friends that he and Hoonmin are in love.
The response is mixed, and Soohyun’s mother nearly faints. Their friends, on the other hand, are nothing but smiles and unsurprised congratulations. The only visibly uncertain member of the crowd is Junho, but he manages to crack a quick joke and say he’s glad Soohyun is happy.
“It’s not like you tried to hide it,” Dongho says disdainfully and Soohyun regrets not giving the boy his due credit for being so observant.
Jokwon gives him several hard punches on the arm for not telling him sooner; Nichkhun is overwhelming in his congratulations. “You know,” he says, completely unaware of the effect his words would have, “in the states, some gay couples have weddings.”
Kiseob latches onto the idea with a lethal passion, and after two of the busiest weeks of his life, even compared to U-Kiss’ most hectic periods of schedules, Soohyun is standing in a rented hotel ballroom, in a white suit, making his vows. The eight ushers and the best man, Jokwon, all sport bright yellow bow ties and Hoonmin never stops smiling.
Together Hoonmin and Soohyun start their own music label, with both of them composing and producing the music. Their first project is their own album, which tops charts and they even win a few mutizen awards, though Soohyun knows very well that it’s mostly due to the controversy surrounding their union.
Eventually, Soohyun decides to try writing that song again. This time, he has Hoonmin help, and after six sleepless months they make their exit from the music industry with the greatest song the two of them have ever written.
They retire, but Soohyun continues to listen to the song. It plays on the radio, following him wherever he goes, and it’s the only thing he listens to when he locks himself in his study. Hoonmin scolds him for not accepting their retirement, and Soohyun laughs at himself, too. But when he’s alone, he knows there’s a problem.
Something is missing. The song is beautiful, masterfully composed, but still empty. Even cliché at parts. The more he listens to it, the more flaws he finds. The ending is all wrong; the story is too clean-cut. This isn’t what love should be. Love is never this easy.
That night, Soohyun kisses Hoonmin before bed- a goodbye kiss- and puts their song through the shredder.
third draft
Kibum says something with a sarcastic smile and turns to leave. Soohyun yawns, limbs sore and sweaty from a day’s practice. He watches Kibum exit the building with a sad pang of irony.
He almost considers leaving himself until he remembers that he isn’t the only one still in the building. Grabbing his sweatshirt, he shoves the practice room door open in time to see Kiseob hanging upside down from the ballet bar. He only looks a little surprised to see Soohyun standing there.
“At this rate they’ll never let you debut,” Soohyun jokes. Kiseob climbs down with a resigned sigh and shrugs.
“Then I might as well enjoy myself, right?” Lacking its usual brightness, Kiseob’s voice is tired and dull. Soohyun chews his lip and wonders when Kibum’s biting sense of humor had started infecting him.
He picks up Kiseob’s bag and tosses him his jacket. “Come on; practice is over.”
Kiseob turns around and grins. “My favorite part of the day.” Soohyun buys them hot cans of coffee from the vending machines in the hallway to keep their hands warm and their heads clear on the way home.
The walk is unusually quiet. Soohyun can’t seem to find anything to say and Kiseob is off in his own world. He sips his coffee but makes no sign that he enjoys it. As they reach the entrance to Kiseob’s home, they pause and start up at the tall building.
“Do you think they’ll ever find a place for me?” Kiseob asks, not really directing the question at Soohyun, but instead the universe. His huge eyes are dark and glazed as he stares up at the night sky.
Soohyun frowns and taps the toe of his show on the sidewalk. “I think,” he says after a long few moments of trying to find the right words, “that you've already found your place.” The words still don’t sound right; they certainly aren’t as eloquent or as helpful as he’d hoped.
Kiseob beams nonetheless. The harsh light from the streetlamps makes his pale skin glow and Soohyun worries he might be staring a bit too much. Kiseob doesn’t seem to mind, and that only worries Soohyun more. The last thing Soohyun wants this time is to hurt someone else- in a few years, she’ll be waiting in hopes of meeting him and he won’t be there, and Hoonmin will be disappointed that Soohyun won’t go out with him that night. This isn’t their song anymore.
“You really do think too much,” Kiseob sighs. Soohyun blushes and stutters something about being tired, distracted, too stressed from getting ready for U-Kiss’ comeback. A knowing smile is on Kiseob’s face when Soohyun allows himself to look at his friend again. “See you tomorrow, hyung.”
After Kiseob enters the building, Soohyun remains there a while longer. He frowns up at the tall apartment building. No matter how many times he starts over, the ending is never in his hands.
As they prepare for their comeback, Soohyun finds himself using all of his free time to be with Kiseob. He knows it’s risky, but when he’s not around the perpetually perky boy, Soohyun has the itching feeling that Kiseob is thinking about him. Kiseob never seems surprised or bothered by Soohyun’s incessant invitations to lunch, dinner, or late night dance practice sessions.
When they say their goodbyes each night in front of Kiseob’s house, Kiseob always gives Soohyun the same look, like he’s waiting for his friend to finally tell him something he’s dying to get off his chest.
Soohyun knows what he wants to tell him, but he’s not sure if this is how it’s supposed to go. If he’s not supposed to end up with her, not supposed to be with Hoonmin, is Kiseob the answer?
In a few days, they will announce that Kiseob is to be the seventh member of U-Kiss, and Soohyun hopes it will be enough of a distraction to put a halt on whatever strange mechanics of fate seem to be occurring around him. The group is ecstatic when they find out, and Kiseob even more so. He’s so happy that in the midst of their celebration that night, when the others are getting groggy and send him and Soohyun out to get coffee for everyone, he corners Soohyun in the hallway and makes himself the answer.
The others find them out within days. Soohyun worries that maybe they should have been more careful, but stealth has never been Kiseob’s forte and it’s so much fun to be out in the open. Kibum scolds them both firmly that no one outside of the group can find out about this and Soohyun agrees, knowing he should feel more guilty but too drunk with his new happiness feel anything else.
At first, everything is easy. Kiseob sleeps over every night using the excuse that Soohyun’s house is closer to NHM’s building than his own, and both of their families buy it. Soohyun cannot believe his luck as he joins Kiseob on the floor night after night, Soohyun’s bed much too small, kissing and letting Kiseob’s cold hands feel under his clothing.
Rehearsals are easy, too, because they agree from the very beginning that U-Kiss is everything. Only when their intense practice sessions are done does Soohyun allow himself to curl around Kiseob and kiss his shoulder when he’s sure no one is looking.
“You two are disgusting,” Dongho grumbles from the dance room floor as Soohyun and Kiseob cuddle on the small couch in the corner. The managers and teachers think nothing of it, long used to the sometimes overly cuddly nature of their stars’ friendships.
Smirking, Kiseob gives Soohyun a lingering peck on the lips just as their manager turns away. Dongho groans and rolls to face the other way and Soohyun's heart leaps into his throat. He stays utterly still as he waits to make sure no one has seen anything. Kiseob looks proud as can be, but for the first time Soohyun realizes that this isn’t always going to be so easy.
One week later, they re-enter the idol world, and everything goes to hell.
It starts during MNET Countdown, their first comeback stage. While they’re waiting to record, the two of them sneak off to an empty dressing room. Kiseob’s lips are on Soohyun’s throat, facing the opposite direction, when the door suddenly opens and a staff member walks through. Her eyes widen, clipboard in hand. Soohyun freezes and Kiseob only registers the gravity of the situation when he turns all the way around. The woman looks at Soohyun, then at Kiseob. Her mouth hangs open and then she lowers her eyes, backing out of the room.
Soohyun swallows and glances at Kiseob. His face is disturbingly pale, like death, but his eyes hold a glimmer of hope and Soohyun tries to make himself think positively, too. Maybe she won’t tell anyone. Maybe they’re still safe.
The hallway is empty when they step out of the room. Soohyun chooses to take that as a good sign. They wander back to U-Kiss’ practice room and pretend to have gotten lost. Eli teases them and Kibum rolls his eyes. The group’s seemingly clueless demeanor comforts them, and they take their seats to wait for their turn.
“How did you manage to get your hair so messed up?” a stylist sighs as she rushes to apply more hairspray to Kiseob’s slightly askew coif.
He laughs nervously and shrugs his shoulders. They don’t dare look at each other until all seven of them are led out into the hallway. As they pass the staff members, Soohyun notices the suspicious looks and poorly concealed whispers. He recognizes the woman from before standing with a group of other staff members, and she points at Soohyun as they pass.
He waits on pins and needles that night for something to happen. After the recording, they climb into the van to move to their next scheduled event. Soohyun borrows Eli’s phone to check the celebrity gossip sites, but finds nothing. He breathes a sigh of relief, but it was just the beginning.
Mere weeks later, all Soohyun sees when he opens his eyes in the morning are the headlines:
Two undisclosed male idols reveals to be gay,
Weeks after comeback, U-Kiss stained by gay controversy: NHM refuses to comment,
Homosexual in the entertainment industry: is this only the beginning?,
Netizins call for gay male idols Shin Soohyun and Lee Kiseob to leave U-Kiss!
His life becomes one endless press conference. He goes home only to hear his mother crying in her bedroom, refusing to come out or speak to her son. Under strict orders reinforced by threats of legal action, Soohyun and Kiseob cannot see each other.
Worst of all, U-Kiss’ comeback comes to a complete stand-still. The other members try to be as supportive of they can, but their frustration and anger is clear in their eyes. Their texts become fewer and fewer and after a month, Soohyun stops trying to contact them.
We’ll be back together soon, he tells himself, and I’ll make this up to them. He continues to send texts to Kiseob, and the responses are always positive and reassuring. At least there’s one thing he doesn’t have to worry about, or so he thinks.
Another month passes by and, contrary to what NHM’s executives had thought, the issue doesn’t blow over. Their manager looks pushed to the limit when he visits Soohyun every day. “The problem is that we’ve never had to tackle a problem like this before. Homosexuality isn’t something people can just let go off after a few weeks.”
Despite knowing this already, hearing it deflates him of what little energy he has left. When the manager offers one last solution, that he and Kiseob hold one last press conference together and tell the public that they are not gay, nor in love, Soohyun agrees right away.
Soohyun texts Kiseob that night: I know it’s a lie, but this may be our only shot at saving U-Kiss. It won’t mean anything, right? Kiseob doesn’t reply, but Soohyun thinks nothing of it. The manager calls that night to say that Kiseob has agreed to the press conference. A fresh start is just around the corner, and Soohyun can only hope it comes quickly.
Kiseob never makes it to the press conference. The next day he swallows a whole bottle of pills and dies quietly, alone, in his bedroom. Soohyun doesn’t find out until late that night, through their manager because he’s Soohyun’s only link to the outside world. The news hits Soohyun cold; from the beginning to the end, Kiseob had done exactly as he wanted.
He almost doesn’t attend Kiseob’s wake. He’s already decided that this isn’t going to be the end. Kiseob deserves a better love song than this, even if it’s with someone else. The other U-Kiss members seem surprised to see him, but happy. Kevin can’t stop crying and Kibum seems displeased by Soohyun’s own lack of tears.
The bright yellow bow tie around Kiseob’s neck is the last straw, though. As the first few tears cloud his eyes, Soohyun quietly says goodbye, singing the bit of the song he’d already started writing for the two of them.
fourth draft
“Are you crying?” Jokwon asks with disgruntled concern- disgruntled only because at the moment they’re supposed to be walking to their vocal training, not standing in the middle of the hallway crying for no explicable reason.
Soohyun rubs at his eyes and coughs. “Ah, sorry. I was thinking about something.”
Jokwon’s frown deepens as they continue down the hall, patting Soohyun on the back in an awkwardly reassuring way. By the time their lessons are over, Soohyun’s managed to shake off the residual feelings. Kiseob is okay now; everything is going to be okay.
On their way out of the JYPE building, the two of them run into Jay, Junho and Taecyeon. Jay cracks a joke in English which only Taecyeon understands, leaving Jokwon frustrated and the other two staring on in amusement. Junho catches Soohyun’s eye and winks, and the two of them sneak away while the others are distracted. Jokwon will make him pay for it later, but Soohyun can’t hide the gleeful grin on his face as they round a corner and wait for the bickering bunch to make their way by, Jokwon berating Jay all the while.
“I have no idea how you can spend so much time around him,” Junho sighs. “It must be exhausting.”
Soohyun shrugs and they leave their hiding spot, heading in the opposite direction of the others. Better not to invoke his best friend’s wrath too early. “That attitude is mostly fake. He’s actually relatively calm when you get him alone.”
Junho gives him a look that says he’ll believe it when he sees it and Soohyun laughs. “Alright, there are certain moments…”
Now they’re laughing together, huddled in their winter coats as they walk home.
Junho isn’t one of the trainees whom Soohyun usually seeks out for company. They don’t attend the same vocal lessons, and in general gravitate toward different groups of trainees, but Junho is always Soohyun knows he can strike up a random conversation with. As Junho had suggested, spending all of his time with Jokwon could get a little exhausting.
“You’re going to ditch me,” Jokwon sighs melodramatically one day after dance practice. “I can sense it.”
Soohyun puts on a nasty smile and wraps his arms around Jokwon’s waist. “Could I do that to you? I love you,” he coos.
“Y’all are fucking gay,” Jay grumbles as he passes by followed, as always, by Taecyeon. The words may be in another language, but both of them know what they mean by now.
“One day you’re going to get sick of me and leave me for Dongwoon!” Jokwon fakes a sob and pushes Soohyun away. “Or Junho.”
Letting go of his friend, Soohyun stoops to pick up his bag. “I do miss Dongwoon.”
Immediately hands are on hips and Jokwon flares up in one of his signature but fake fits. “You just saw that kid this morning! This is exactly what I was talking about.” His amusement sneaks into his glare. “I’m watching you, cheater Shin Soohyun. And here comes your new lover.”
From across the room, Junho jogs up to the two of them, looking worried when Jokwon scoffs and walks away. “Don’t mind him. We’re having marital problems.”
It takes Junho a moment to understand that it’s a joke, and then he laughs a little, albeit awkwardly. “Do you have time after practice?” he asks after a moment of stumbling over his words.
Soohyun blinks and nods. “Sure, why?”
“Mind if we grab dinner?” The poor guy looks to nervous and ready to flee that Soohyun agrees right away, smiling to himself as he watches Junho run off.
There are noodles dangling out of Junho’s open mouth as he talks to Soohyun. The conversation starts off slow, as they’ve never had much of a chance to talk one-on-one for an extended period of time. Eventually, though, Junho manages to shake off his earlier nerves and talks excitedly, almost too quickly for Soohyun to understand.
“And, you know, you and Jokwon are just so great. When you sing, even the teachers look amazed! Sure, they still criticize you, but everyone can tell that they just do it because it looks bad if they don’t.”
The bowl of noodles in front of Soohyun is going cold, but he’s too amused by Junho to eat. Besides, he hadn’t really been all that hungry when he’d accepted the invitation. “Is that so?” he says mostly to fill the void as Junho shovels in another mouthful.
“Seriously,” he insists. He waves his chopsticks around as he goes on. “You two and Changmin-hyung and Seulong-hyung are way better than the rest of us. Jinwoon, too, actually. I mean, Jaebum-hyung is pretty okay, too, but compared to you guys…” He trails off and smiles to himself. “If he heard me say this, I’d be so dead.”
“You seem to have a lot on your mind.” Soohyun takes up his chopsticks and pokes at his cold noodles. They don’t look particularly appetizing, but Junho is starting to make weird faces at Soohyun’s bowl. He chews on them slowly, and they aren’t inedible.
Junho pauses, his bowl empty. “I’m sorry to suddenly invite you out like this.” His face is a little red, though it may be from the cold.
Soohyun shrugs. “It’s not a problem. I’m having a good time.”
“Really?” He smiles at his bowl of noodles and drums his fingers anxiously. “I was actually, um." He stops and swallows. “I was actually hoping you could do me a favor.”
His bowl is almost empty now, and Soohyun is surprised that the noodles taste pretty good toward the bottom. “Favor?” he asks, not really paying attention.
“Could you practice singing with me? You know, after official training?”
Soohyun pauses over his bowl and frowns into it, not wanting Junho to see his expression. He knows what his answer should be. Sorry, Junho, but I don’t have time. And in truth, he really doesn’t. The mere hours they’re given outside of training are meant for sleeping and eating. He looks up to say as much and falters.
He knows all too well where this is going to end up. He’s tried to finish his song twice now and with disastrous results. Junho must understand Soohyun’s hesitation because he laughs sheepishly.
“I understand if you can’t. I just… I don’t know, I want to get better. Everyone keeps telling me that it’s a big deal I even got this far, but then I see trainees like you and Jokwon and I wonder why I’m here at all. I can sing, but I’m not the best. I can dance, but I’m not the best.”
Soohyun throat feels impossibly dry as Junho’s sincerity wreaks havoc on his resolve. “You have your own talents, Junho, trust me.”
Junho smiles his signature, perfect smile, the smile that he’s famous for within the company. Sighing one last helpless sigh, Soohyun swallows the rest of the cold broth in his bowl.
“Okay, you win.”
Soohyun can see it coming from the moment they start their late night practice sessions. Most of the time is spent lying on their backs on the dance room floors, letting their voices project upwards. Half of that time is wasted laughing every time one of both of them makes a mistake. Every session ends with dinner at that same noodle stand and Junho praising Soohyun’s voice.
“You dance really well, too,” Junho says one night. “No one else notices, but I do. You practice really hard.” And then he blushes like he tends to when he goes a little too far. Soohyun laughs it off and they continue eating like nothing happened.
Soohyun knows what’s coming, and it terrifies him.
Junho stops singing and stares at the ceiling. Soohyun continues on, enjoying the sound of his voice in the room’s nice acoustics. It’s a song he knows by heart, one of the one’s the vocal teachers always make them sing, so he just keeps singing until he reaches the end. The silence is invasive and foreign, but he patiently waits for Junho.
“I think I’m improving,” his friend finally says.
“You definitely are.” Soohyun sneaks a glance Junho’s way but he's still staring directly up at the ceiling.
“To be honest, I was worried that I wouldn’t. Then I really would have been a failure.”
Soohyun rolls onto his stomach and starts to protest, but Junho cuts him off, still staring upward.
“No, really. I thought, if I don’t even improve after hanging around with him, there’s no hope for me.”
Rolling his eyes, Soohyun rests his chin on his arms. “You didn’t improve by hanging around me. It’s practice.”
Junho frowns at the ceiling. “That’s not how I think. I think that by being with you, I become a better person. You make me work harder, which makes me improve. All I’m doing is pathetically trying to catch up to you and somehow it’s working.” He contemplates his words and rolls over to face Soohyun, face comically serious.
“You have a strange way of thinking,” Soohyun muses aloud.
His friend smiles. “Maybe. But no matter what, I’m grateful for what you’ve done for me.” That habitual blush creeps across his cheeks and he buries half of his face behind his arms. “Before I asked you to help me, I was actually too intimidated to talk to you.”
Now it’s Soohyun’s turn to grin. He crawls on his stomach and raps on Junho’s skull with his knuckles. “What the hell is going on in there, seriously?” Junho laughs out loud and grabs Soohyun’s arm, pulling him into a strange horizontal head lock. The room echoes with obnoxious laughter and Soohyun manages to flip his attacker over onto his back, pinning his arms across his chest. “So much for being intimidated?” he growls as Junho tries to kick out from beneath him.
For the first time since they started spending time together, Junho smirks at Soohyun. He challenge is implicit in that mocking expression, We’re even, so now what?
“It’s your move, Shin Soohyun.”
Despite all of Soohyun’s weak protests that they should go home or at least somewhere not in the JYPE building, he lets Junho drag him down the empty hallway, Junho’s hands greedily moving under the back of Soohyun’s t-shirt and his mouth stifling his words. Suddenly it’s dark, and he realizes that Junho’s moved them into one of the bigger closets down the hall, though he’s not sure why Junho assumes this is any safer.
He opens his mouth to say as much, and Junho bites his lip. Then he’s shoved onto a pile of old futons that the boys used when they had overnight workshops. Junho is apparently thinking far more clearly than Soohyun gave him credit for.
“I really like you,” Junho whispers breathlessly as he tugs Soohyun’s shirt over his head. Soohyun can only sit and watch Junho’s feverish eyes explore his body; he can’t even think to be embarrassed by it. “I’ve always liked you.”
“I know,” Soohyun mumbles back, almost cut off once again by Junho’s mouth. With noticeable hesitation Junho presses his body against Soohyun’s, and the sudden warmth makes both of them shiver. The futons smell old and dusty as they give way beneath their combined weight. Soohyun kisses the base on Junho’s throat and sighs at Junho’s surprised moan.
Smiling, Soohyun lets himself lie all the way back and enjoys the embarrassed flush that reddens Junho’s face when he realizes that he’s straddling the man beneath him. “I don’t really know what to do.” Soohyun laughs wickedly and rubs Junho through his gym throats, earning a beautiful hiss.
“Just let me,” he says and pulls Junho against him.
Soohyun wakes up the next morning with a melody in his head- something sweet, hesitant and yet secretly intense. He moves his fingers across Junho’s naked back like he’s pressing a piano’s keys. He hits a ticklish spot and the boy laughs, but very quietly.
“We should probably go,” Junho says, back still turned, and he begins to grope for his clothes.
Soohyun lets out a long yawn and scratches his head. “Yeah, it’s still early but we should at least go home and change our clothes.”
Junho grunts a response and Soohyun pouts at that beautiful naked back that Junho is throwing dirty clothes over. This time the song is coming to him easily, perfectly, the more he stares at Junho.
Both of them are completely dressed and near the exit when Junho finally speaks. “I don’t think we should do that again.” All of the confidence, all of the joy that had been in that voice the night before is gone, drained away and leaving what's left sadly colorless.
He lets his bag drop to the ground. “What do you mean?”
Junho turns and stares at Soohyun’s shoes. “What I told you last night is true; I like you, I really, really, like you, but we shouldn’t have done… that.” He’s blushing and Soohyun wants to kiss him, but there are people milling about on the streets outside in the early morning light.
“I don’t like you,” Soohyun replies with a smile. “I love you, Junho.”
Junho raises his eyes to meet Soohyun’s and responds mechanically, “Love is between a man and a woman, Soohyun.”
He should have expected as much, but it comes as a hard shock when Soohyun realizes that his practice sessions with Junho are over. Junho barely utters a word to Soohyun, almost exclusively in greeting. Jokwon is happy that Soohyun has his free time back but seems to sense his best friend’s new melancholy, because he doesn’t press when Soohyun shakes off his questions about Junho.
The song that had been forming in Soohyun’s mind almost dies, but resurfaces with a maddening persistence as he tries to forget the entire thing. He doesn’t want this song, but it cements itself to his subconscious and chases him.
This is his song, and he knows it. This is the song he’s been searching for. He catches Junho’s sad, lifeless eyes watching him during practice when the teacher calls Soohyun out for not keeping up with the beat.
Soohyun resigns himself to this fate, this song, but Junho doesn't have to live like this. Like the others, Junho deserves better, so Soohyun lets him forget.
fifth final draft
"Sorry, Junho, but I don't have time."
Junho looks terribly disappointed, but mumbles that it's alright. He'll get someone else to help. Soohyun knows that Junho never asks anyone else, but goes about as if nothing has happened. The two of them continue to work hard, separately. They never become all that close, but now and then Soohyun finds an excuse to start a conversation. It's always painfully stunted, and being even within a meter of Junho is enough to make Soohyun's head spin, but he suffers through it. This is their song.
For some strange, unknown reason, Junho, too, seems to be suffering. Soohyun catches the boy watching him closely when he thinks Soohyun isn't paying attention. His looks are always angry, like they're cursing Soohyun for taking something important away from him. Maybe they are cursing him.
Perhaps those stares are one of the many reasons Soohyun decides to leave JYPE. Jokwon goes into mourning and all of the trainees are sad to see him go, but Soohyun knows that this is the path he's meant to take. He tries his luck in another company, and then finally ends up in NHM.
He meets Kiseob, but they never walk home together.
He meets Hoonmin, but they never go out drinking together.
He meets her, too, but earlier this time. Alone in a bar on New Years Eve, he happens to spot her sitting at a table with a few friends. All of them are staring at him, obviously aware of who he is. A rush of apprehension makes me almost bolt out the door, but then, very slowly, he walks to their table. He talks to them and gives them autographs, even taking pictures with them. She won't have to wait for him in the cold after a handshake event this time. He gets her phone number when her friends go to the bar to get another round of drinks.
They get married a few months before he enters the army in a small, private wedding on the beach. Soohyun demands that not paparazzi be allowed near the event and treats her like a princess. Jokwon is his best man, but Kiseob insists that all of the ushers wear bright yellow bow ties. Despite Soohyun's insistent invitation, Junho doesn't come to the ceremony.
Ten years a two children later, Soohyun sits down at his piano and finishes his love song. It comes as easily to him as a forgotten dream-- or four-- and he completes the project in under three months.
She's the first person to hear it when it's finished, and she thinks it's about her.