Walking out of Destiny (oneshot)
Title: Walking out of Destiny
Rating: PG
Fandom: U-Kiss
Pairing: Gen, Soohyun-centric
Word Count: 6282
Summary: When staying may be a bigger mistake than leaving, Soohyun finds his answer in an unlikely place.
Author's Note: Written for kpop_olymfics. This takes place before U-Kiss' comeback in 2009, before Kiseob was a part of the group, when they had considered disbanding.
Team/Prompt Used: Canon / 2NE1 - Go Away
At two in the afternoon Soohyun gets a text from Kibum-- Management says they have something to say to us, what time can you get here? He doesn't send a message back, but hands his sister the bag of groceries and with a quick explanation, heads off in the direction of the NH Media building.
The halls are quiet when he enters the lobby. Nothing new, he nods at the receptionist and makes his way toward the boardroom. On the way he catches Eli as he's coming out of the bathroom. They exchange smiles and Soohyun sighs inwardly, happy to be in his second home. For months now they've been coming here sporadically, doing vocal training or practicing choreography. While the break has been much appreciated, Soohyun can't shake the buzzing in the back of his brain. He wants to dance, to sing, to do something that he's worked so hard all these years to do. And he knows very well that he isn't the only restless one. Eli's hands are shoved deep into his sweatshirt pocket as he glances around the hall, as if waiting for something to pop out at them.
Everyone else is waiting for them when they arrive. Kevin and Kibum are sitting at one end of the long table, and Xander sits, or rather spins, in his chair while telling Kevin some story in English about his latest trip to Hong Kong. Dongho sits a little ways away, quiet as usual and he nods at Soohyun when he and Eli join them all at the table. Soohyun sits on one side of Dongho, Eli the other. On the opposite end of the table is their manager, and a man they've seen before but have never spoken to. His stern expression clashes with Xander's carefree banter.
Soohyun crosses his arms across his chest and waits.
When Xander's story finally ends, the stern man gives a polite cough and the room becomes utterly silent, as if suddenly everyone is afraid to even take a breath. Soohyun lets out a long exhale and it's like glass shattering in that silence. Dongho gives him a surprised look but turns back to the stern man right away.
"We've been thinking about your comeback--"
Sighs of relief, Soohyun's shoulders relax.
"-- and we're just not certain what to do."
So much for that. Their manager looks sharply at the strange man and winces, as if not expecting it himself, except he looks in Soohyun's direction a second later and his eyes dart away before they can meet Soohyun's, or anyone else's.
"Not certain?" Kevin's voice echoes from behind, calm and sweet, a perfectly logical and innocent question. The man sighs heavily, as if bearing a great burden, and runs a hand through his hair.
"Yeah, you see," he begins, heaving another sigh and leaning back in his chair. "We just don't know if you would want to have one."
"Of course we want to have a comeback," Xander says, the confusion and irritation in his voice speaking for the rest of them. Soohyun's arms tense and his jaw clenches. There's something wrong about this man.
"But you know," he goes on. He clasps and unclasps his hands. He looks each of them in the eye in a way that's supposed to be comforting but isn't. "Last time the sales didn't do well."
Xander laughs, involuntarily judging by the surprised look on his face after. Dongho looks at Soohyun, then at his shoes. Kibum looks to Kevin and Kevin looks dangerous. Soohyun has no idea what he looks like. A vein in his neck feels ready to burst and his grinding his teeth to keep from screaming at this man. They know sales were bad, that fan numbers were unexpectedly low, but they were thankful for every single sale and every single fan who came and held up a sign at their performances. Things were going to get better, that's what they always said.
Except now. "We're just giving you a choice here," the man explains. "You can always--"
"--disband." It's Kevin again, and the anger in his voice is heartbreaking, a mix of despair and pure rage that only he's capable of. Soohyun wants to hug the boy but he's glued to his spot.
"It's only an option." And with that, the man gives their manager a satisfied smile, and leaves. Then their manager follows and it's just them and the aching silence.
Looking around, Soohyun meets eyes with Xander first, who motions to Kevin and winces. Kevin is visibly fuming, bottom lip trembling and tears at the corners of his eyes. Kibum is the first to speak. "We don't have to do anything." He speaks slowly, deliberately, placing a hand on Kevin's arm but looking at the rest of them.
"Disbanding isn't an option," Soohyun says quickly.
"Disbanding is always an option," Kevin says bitterly.
"Not for us," Soohyun insists, but Kevin isn't listening. He rises and tries to make for the door, but Soohyun grabs him by the arm and pulls him to the side.
The forearm in his hand is thin and shaking horribly, but he doesn't let go. "We need to be together in this, Kevin," he says in a low whisper.
Kevin looks guilty even as he says it, but the words come out scathing, "Like you need to worry, hyung. You have options, and you'd probably do much better without us."
"Yes, and you also have options," he mutters, biting off each word, "but not everyone here does. What about Eli and Dongho? Get it together for them, at least."
Kevin nods, eyes red and distant. Soohyun lets him run out the door, but regrets it. They need to be together. Then Kibum goes hurrying out of the room as well, then Xander slowly marches out with a desperate look Soohyun's way. Still seated, Eli and Dongho remain quiet, but Eli gets up to go and shakes off Soohyun's attempt to keep him behind.
"Nice to see you have faith in us, hyung."
And then he looks to Dongho, who gives him a small smile and says, "I know you meant well."
It's a small comfort, but Soohyun needs it.
The NHM building is suffocating when he finally brings himself to leave the room. All of the others are long gone, as well as their manager and the strange man. He should probably head home and at least warn his family, but his stomach churns at the thought. Better to let them be oblivious, for now. No need to scare them if there may be no reason to be scared in the first place, and nothing scares his family like the prospect of losing their main income. They didn't need to go through that again. Now he's pacing, arms folded.
The truth is, if they do disband, he does have options. Kevin had been right about that much, but Soohyun isn't sure whether to be grateful or not. Thanks to U-Kiss, he has a good amount of experience to bring to any other company, and no one could deny that at the very least, his voice is something valuable. Not to mention the connections he's managed to make in the industry. He plays with his cell phone for a few minutes while continuing his loop around the empty hallways. Jokwon and Junho are both always complaining about how he doesn't keep in touch, so he could call either. He enters Jokwon's number and pauses over the call button. There's no doubt that Jokwon would be willing to speak up for him, and there's very little doubt that JYPE wouldn't let him back in, but there's a nagging feeling at the back of Soohyun's head that keeps him from pressing the button.
This shouldn't be so hard. Despite all his worrying, he knows every would be perfectly fine should they go separate ways. Companies would be scouting Kevin the second he stepped outside the building, though NHM would probably give him an amazing offer to stick with them. Maybe they'd form a new group and try again. Xander could finally try being a real MC, his dream even before joining U-Kiss. Kibum has a world of connections, not even taking consideration his brother and his connections. Eli is more popular than anyone gives him credit for, so he could be recruited, too, or maybe finally go back to his family. As much as he tries to hide it, everyone knows how much Eli misses his family. As for Dongho, there has been talk for months about getting him onto variety shows and maybe even letting him try acting. The kid had a good future ahead of him, in U-Kiss or not.
"Hyung!" a voice calls from behind him. Soohyun snaps the phone shut and shoves it back into his pocket. A wave of relief washes over him the second the phone is out of sight. There's plenty of time to decide, after all. No need to rush. He turns to see a boy running toward him, shaggy hair covered by a beanie and glasses almost falling off his nose as he bounces forward.
"I didn't know you were coming in today, Kiseob," Soohyun says, his voice wavering even though he forces a smile. Luckily Kiseob is too busy keeping his bag from sliding off of his arm to notice.
"Trying to get as much practice as I can!" he replies with a beaming smile. "How about you, hyung? Going to practice?" The excitement in Kiseob's eyes betrays his hope for some company, so Soohyun nods. Home is the last place he wants to go right now anyway. Kiseob grabs his by the arm to skip toward the practice rooms.
The room starts to spin so Soohyun lets his legs finally give out, crumpling to the polished floor. Kiseob continues to move, but kicks a water bottle toward his fallen friend. To Soohyun's tired eyes, Kiseob's limbs seem to move in slow motion, locking and bending and twisting of their own accord. The look of extreme concentration scrunching up Kiseob's features is the only sign that he has any control over what he's doing. Soohyun takes a long drink from the water bottle and stretches out his arms above his head. The t-shirt and gym shorts he's wearing are borrowed from Kiseob, who for some reason of his own hadn't questioned why, if Soohyun had come to practice, he'd worn jeans.
"You're really good," Soohyun comments when Kiseob finishes the routine. "It's a shame they haven't made any plans for you yet."
"I'll get there," Kiseob pants and settles down beside Soohyun. He grabs the bottle out of Soohyun's hands and finishes off the contents. "I just like being here."
Soohyun closes his eyes and sighs. "If only I'd been like you as a trainee."
"What were you like?"
"Bored. Frustrated. Impatient." He blinks his eyes open and starts counting the tiles on the ceiling. "I changed companies as if it was the easiest thing in the world. What if I'd stayed, you know?"
"Ah, don't be like that." Something smacks against Soohyun's shoulder as Kiseob laughs. "You know you made the right decision." Soohyun grabs the towel as Kiseob tries to hit him again and ends up yanking the other boy along with it. Kiseob falls onto his side and lightly punches Soohyun's arm instead.
"You think I made the right decision?"
Kiseob giggles, "Of course you did." He groans and gets back to his feet. "Stop thinking about silly stuff like that, hyung, and spend more time practicing. Your dancing is weak."
"What?" Soohyun snaps and grabs Kiseob's wrist to drag him back down. He tickles the boy's sides until Kiseob is screaming with laughter, the happy sound echoing off of the mirrored walls. "Say that again, I dare you!"
Kisoeb gasps for air and tries to shove Soohyun away. "Never!" But Soohyun won't let him go that easily. Soon enough Kiseob goes limp, tears in his eyes as he cries, "Fine, fine! Hyung is the greatest dancer ever!"
"That's what you get for lying." He grins and grabs another bottle of water out of Kiseob's bag. Kiseob nods in appreciation when Soohyun offers it to him.
"You're so mean."
Soohyun smirks and smacks Kiseob in the stomach, making him spill the water onto his chest. "Laughing is good for those abs of yours."
After finally getting his drink, Kiseob forces himself to sit up, wincing and grabbing his stomach. "Are you coming again tomorrow, hyung?" he asks.
The meeting from earlier resurfaces in Soohyun's mind, but Soohyun pushes it down again. "Are you?"
"I come every day," he chirps.
Soohyun shrugs and cocks his head. "I might swing by again."
That seems to please Kiseob. He grins and stands back up, offering Soohyun his hand.
That evening Soohyun is able to go home and pretend that the call had been about a last-minute practice session, which also helps explain why he wants to go straight to bed. His mother gives him a quick hug and his sister orders him to at least shower before going to sleep. The normalcy is the best thing he could hope for, and he, for once, obeys his sister. Lying in bed, unable to sleep because of his wet hair or his nerves or both, he plays with his phone again. There are no missed calls and no new text messages, which is unusual considering on any other day he couldn't go an hour without one of them texting. Even one of Eli's nonsensical, half-English texts would make the blank screen of Soohyun's cell less lonely.
Knowing them, they are all at this very moment in the same situation. Sitting. Waiting. Hoping someone will call, but unwilling to hit the dial button themselves.
In this situation, Soohyun knows he should make the first move. He needs to apologize to Eli. He needs to make sure Dongho really is okay. As much as he dreads it, he should probably check in on Kevin, but that can wait. Kevin has Kibum, after all. As always, Soohyun thinks of Xander last and he kicks himself for it. While Xander is probably the one he should worry the least about, as for all his crazy antics, he's a pretty down-to-earth guy, but that doesn't mean Soohyun can always forget him. It's a habit Soohyun's been trying to break for years. Just because he knows he should call one of them, though, doesn't mean he wants to. Not one bit, actually.
Just as he's about to dial Kibum, an incoming text message interrupts the process. The name brings a small smile to his lips, and he opens the message right away:
Hyung~~
Are u coming tomorrow ? ^^ I can bring u clothes again if u want kkk
Yawning for the first time since arriving home, Soohyun replies that he won't need the clothes, but he'll be there. A little distraction is never a bad thing, or at least that's what he tells himself.
The next morning he spends sweating out his agitation routine after routine with Kiseob by his side. When Soohyun takes a quick break, Kiseob entertains him with a special version of their "Talk to Me" routine which has Soohyun rolling across the dance floor, laughing until he can't see straight. Lunch time comes and goes, and by mid-afternoon their stomaches are growling so loud Soohyun can hear them over the music. They decide to go out for a quick meal before returning for more practice. On the way out of the building, though, they spy a familiar figure approaching the building from the opposite direction.
"Ah, it's Kibum," Kiseob mumbles, getting ready to wave to their friend. Soohyun grabs Kiseob's arm to stop him and tries to hurry the boy along.
"Let's just go," he replies quickly. Kiseob is all large, innocent eyes, but he does what Soohyun asks.
"Hyung!" Kibum's voice calls them back as they try to hurry off, and Soohyun curses. He turns and gives Kibum and awkward smile, which Kibum returns with an equally embarrassed attempt at a smile. Kiseob looks from one to the other, obviously dumbfounded.
For a long time, Soohyun struggles to find something to say, but Kibum speaks first, finally, "I was hoping I'd find you here."
"I was just practicing with Kiseob," he says, voice betraying how guilty he feels.
"I was hoping you'd call-"
"I was waiting for someone to call me." Kibum flushes at Soohyun's sharp tone, and his guilt worsens. "Um, how's Kevin?"
It's a strange question, full of assumptions, but he can't help asking. "He's staying at my place. Playing with Choco. Probably."
"That's good."
When they lapse into painful silence again, Kiseob grins and shoves Kibum's arm. "Hey, why haven't I seen you around?"
At that, Kibum looks to Soohyun. "You haven't told him?"
"I'd rather not," he replies through clenched teeth. "No need to."
"Have you told anyone?"
"Of course not. Why should I?"
"Because it's really fucking important." Kibum's jaw clenches and he glances at Kiseob. "We need to talk about this."
Something snaps in Soohyun, resulting in a sharp exhale of air ending in a laugh. "Then by all means, get everyone together and we will," he practically spits at his friend.
Kibum flinches. "But you-"
"Why the hell is it my job?" Soohyun breathes, so quietly he's not sure anyone can hear him but he really doesn't care. "Since when am I the one who has to get everyone to talk? I tried yesterday and pissed everyone off, so why can't someone else take the lead for once?" Kibum's mouth falls open, but he snaps it shut and remains silent. The growl of his stomach snaps Soohyun out of his daze, and he grabs Kiseob by the arm again and leads him, more gently this time, back down the street.
In his twenty years on Earth, Soohyun has never met anyone quite like Lee Kiseob. Not only does he not bring up the confrontation during lunch, but he seems content to pretend like nothing happened at all. During the remainder of their practice, Soohyun is on pins and needles. Every glance Kiseob sends his way seems to carry meaning at first, but turns out to be another happy grin or frustrated frown at making a mistake or a slight look of worry if Soohyun stumbles. Maybe he can tell that this is what Soohyun wants, to keep pushing himself until he collapses on the floor, and then pull himself back up and try for more.
Kiseob is a strange kid, Soohyun's always known that. Perpetually happy and yet, when he thinks others aren't watching, he has a look in his eyes as if his heart is slowly and constantly breaking little by little. That look is why Soohyun first gravitated toward Kiseob, following his natural instinct to help, but over time the roles have switched. Now, more and more, he finds himself going to Kiseob when times get tough. Or, magically, Kiseob will show up at the exact moment Soohyun needs him. Kiseob possesses something neither Soohyun nor anyone Soohyun has ever met has: an instinctual knack to have the perfect expression at any time.
When Soohyun is ready to give up, Kiseob smiles and urges him on. When Soohyun is just too tired, Kiseob frowns and collapses at the exact same time. When Soohyun wants to ignore everything, Kiseob is ready and waiting to distract. In the middle of their practice, Kiseob swings from the ballet bar by his arms and legs and howls like a monkey. Soohyun has no idea why, but it is enough to make him cough a laugh when he hasn't even smiled since lunch. Kiseob's grin is subtly victorious as he returns to practicing.
A message waiting for him at home is not so forgiving, however. His sister is finishing washing the dishes when he walks into the house, and she says over her shoulder, "Xander called earlier. Wants you to come over tomorrow." The words are casual, though confused. She peeks at him and cocks her head. "Not sure why he didn't just call you."
Because I wouldn't have answered. Kibum must have called in reinforcements. "Thanks," he replies quietly. She smiles and directs him to the table with a movement of her head. He sits down and shoves a spoonful of rice into his mouth, but tastes nothing.
Knocking on Xander's door takes Soohyun ten whole minutes of mental preparation, followed by five more minutes of raising his hand to knock, but chickening out at the last second. When he finally does knock, Xander opens the door so quickly, and with such an amused smile, that Soohyun wonders if he'd been watching the entire charade. While Soohyun slides off his shoes as slowly as possible, Xander meanders back into the living room and settles onto his huge couch with a similarly huge bowl of popcorn.
"Kibum called me." Blunt as always.
Soohyun plops down next to Xander and grabs a handful of popcorn despite not being hungry. "Is that right?"
Xander remains staring at the television. "He was really upset."
"Not surprising."
The tv flashes off. "I understand your frustration, but you're being an idiot."
That strikes a nerve. Soohyun turns to glare at Xander but receives a level stare in return. It's unnerving enough to make Soohyun turn away again. "I'm taking some time to think, just like everyone else."
"Thinking or pretending?"
"If no one else wants to address the issue, why should I?"
The bowl is taken away and Soohyun tenses, not sure what to do with his hands now. He glances at Xander but can't meet that stare without flinching. "Because you're better than that," Xander explains, stressing each syllable. "You're not the type to avoid his problems and leave his friends hanging."
Cold guilt grips his stomach, but he mutters a clipped, "Sorry to disappoint you." The apartment is deathly silent and he can't take it, so he gets to his feet and heads for the door.
"If you're so happy to play trainee with Kiseob, then call those friends of yours and get out while you can." Soohyun's hands balls into fists at his sides and he shoves his shoes back on. "But if you want to stay Shin Soohyun, power vocalist of U-Kiss, the responsible guy everyone knows they can rely on, then you better be ready to say so."
The door slams so hard behind Soohyun, the thick brick walls shake.
At two in the afternoon, standing outside Xander's building, Soohyun knows where he wants to go. They hadn't made plans, but Kiseob had mentioned earlier that he practices almost every day, and more than likely he'll be expecting Soohyun to show up again. Every fiber of his being urges him to forget Kibum, forget Xander, and go do what he wants, but a quiet, nagging voice in the back of his consciousness whispers that entering that building again without a plan would be betrayal. And even if he isn't entirely himself these days, Shin Soohyun betrays no one.
An idea occurs to him, and he smiles to himself, applauding his own wit. Dialing the number he'd resisted calling days ago, he finds it much easier to do now that Xander had all but ordered him to do so.
Jokwon is sitting comfortably at a table when Soohyun enters the coffee shop. There are two mugs steaming in front of them, one placed in front of the empty chair. Jokwon only glances up at Soohyun as he takes his seat. His eyes look tired, but alert, and he waits patiently for Soohyun to speak first. What a rare occurrence.
"Thanks for meeting me," Soohyun says before taking a sip of his coffee. "And for this, too."
Giving a benevolent nod, he replies, "Don't ever tell people I'm a bad friend."
"The worst," Soohyun chuckles.
Jokwon smiles a bit despite himself, but his arms remain neatly folded. "So what is this all about? It's not like you to do something like this."
"Seems to be a trend lately."
An eyebrow raises, intrigued but not appreciating the vagueness. "Oh?"
A young girl walks by them and stares for a few minutes. They both wave and she skitters away, but Soohyun can't shake off the feeling that they're being watched. "Ah, things are bad," he finally groans.
"Details?"
Soohyun shifts in his seat and looks back around the shop. The words roll around on his tongue, but get stuck between his lips. The girl is still hovering somewhere near the back of the shop, so he just says, "I may not have anywhere to go soon."
Apparently Jokwon is unfazed by the girl's presence, because he replies directly, "Then come back to JYPE."
"You think it's that easy?" He leans forward into his elbows and lowers his voice to a whisper. "They would take me back?"
Jokwon shrugs. "You're one of the few trainees they remember. You've debuted once, so you have experience on your side. And it's not as if you lack talent." The words hit Soohyun hard, making him sit back. A world of opportunities opens up before him, and yet bile rises in his throat. How easy it would be to accept it all.
"I'm too old, though, right?"
"Not at all. You're the perfect age right now." Jokwon reaches across and touches Soohyun's hand gently, but only for a moment. "You're not okay right now; I can see that. But I'm being honest because you need to consider the big picture in making your next move. You love your U-Kiss friends, and you love us over at JYPE, too, and we all want what's best for you. Do what you feel is right, Soohyun."
A lump in his throat makes his voice hoarse, but he manages a laugh. "What do you think I should do?"
Another shrug. "I think you should stop torturing yourself like an idiot." Soohyun laughs out loud. "And," Jokwon continues, narrowing his eyes, "you should call Junho. Or Jaebum. Or Junsu. They may be able to offer some advice, too, and they've all been complaining about how you never call."
Instantly Soohyun relaxes and allows himself to take another sip of his coffee. "I thought about inviting Junho instead, but they've all been so busy."
Packets of sugar fly across the table and land in his lap. "And I'm not busy?" Jokwon scoffs with a glare. Soohyun sighs happily and places the packets back into their little holder.
That night when he finally does call Junho, the 2PM dorm is apparently in chaos. Taecyeon is laughing in the background as Junho searches for a quiet place to speak. "Kwon says you're coming back!" he shouts through the phone.
"Nothing's official yet," Soohyun corrects him, shouting back so Junho can hear him. His mother gives him a weird look as she passes his bedroom door.
"Oh." A pause. "Well that would be cool! Wouldn't it?" Someone mumbles to Junho and he laughs. "Just like old times." Junho and whoever is with him continue to talk while Soohyun grins to himself. Chansung's voice echoes from somewhere in the background. Probably demanding food. Typical.
"Why don't you ever call me, huh?" a familiar voice shouts into the phone.
"Junsu-hyung!" he calls back. Junho says something to Junsu about going away and they start to argue. A third voice enters and scolds the two of them. Shuffling ensues and Junho's voice grows distant.
"Hyung!" Soohyun can hear Junho whine in the background.
"That's what you get for letting your guard down," Jaebum snickers. "Long time no see, man," he continues, this time to Soohyun.
"How are you, hyung?" Soohyun asks, stifling a yawn.
"About the same as you, looks like." He yawns, too, and grunts as he presumably takes a seat. "What's up? Jokwon made it sound serious."
Soohyun sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. "It isn't yet, but it could be." Jae laughs and mumbles something in English. "Hyung. Korean."
"Oh, sorry. Just do what you have to do, bro."
"Do you ever make sense?"
"Now and then. Taec says I'm a philosopher."
He smirks. "I'm sure."
Jae chuckles again and shouts something as someone else enters the room. "This shit may seem serious, but just be happy. Do what you have to and be happy, man. If those guys are really your friends, they'll be cool with whatever you do if it makes you happy."
With that, the line goes dead, because apparently that is all the explanation Jaebum thought necessary. Oddly enough, Soohyun sleeps better that night than he has in days. Maybe Jae is more of a philosopher than anyone gives him credit for.
Kiseob looks surprised when Soohyun comes to the practice room the next day. "I thought you guys were maybe talking it out," he says while Soohyun stretches.
All Soohyun does is shake his head. "You're really good at acting clueless."
"You'd be surprised how useful it is."
His nonchalance doesn't stop Soohyun from sulking. They practice in uncharacteristic silence for a good hour or so before Kiseob body-blocks the stereo, then the door, and Soohyun is forced to sulk in the center of the room. "Is being a nuisance useful, too?" he grumbles.
Cocking his head, Kiseob smiles a little. "Now and then."
"What the hell do you want?"
"I thought we could play a game."
That makes Soohyun relax, at least enough to take a seat and allow Kiseob to drop his guard. They sit facing each other in the center of the dance floor. Kiseob grins and Soohyun frowns, but it obviously doesn't bother his friend one bit. "What kind of game?" he asks when Kiseob remains silent.
"We'll play pretend," he explains cheerfully. "Pretend I'm Kibum, or Kevin, or maybe one of those creepy reps. Tell me what you want to do."
His frown deepens. "In regards to what?" Kiseob rolls his eyes but Soohyun feigns ignorance. Not very well, he'll admit, but he's not trying to be convincing.
"Do you want to leave U-Kiss?" Silence. "Are you going to take your old friends up on their offer?" Soohyun's lack of reaction only makes Kiseob's smile widen. "Maybe you'll get a better deal? Make more money?"
Soohyun growls his response between clenched teeth, "This isn't about money."
"Then do you want to leave U-Kiss?"
"I want what's best for everyone."
"Which is disbandment?"
That earns Kiseob a definite flinch. Soohyun concedes his temporary defeat with a quiet, "I don't know."
"You want what's best for everyone, but you don't know what that is?" A silent nod. "Then why not just do what's best for you?"
"And what's best for me?" Soohyun sneers.
Kiseob shrugs. "How am I supposed to know? I'm Kibum."
The laugh that escapes Soohyun is dry and exhausted, but it bursts the swell of tension and Soohyun smirks. "Everyone keeps telling me to do whatever I want."
"So why don't you?"
"Because it might not be what's best."
"But it might be what everyone else wants, too."
The practice room is dark, the only light coming from the small window in the door and the even smaller digital screen of the stereo system. Kiseob hugs his knees to his chest and stares at the mirrors behind Soohyun. His eyes are huge, almost luminescent in the darkness. Goosebumps rise on Soohyun's arms and he rubs them away. A small part of him wants to stand up, walk out, go the hell home, but he remains seated. Another part of him wants to call up Jae, though he has no idea why. Maybe to just hear the guy's voice again. Taec says I'm a philosopher. He smiles to himself and swears that Kiseob sees it, because he moves a little bit, as if surprised.
"Just do what I have to. To be happy?" He asks it like a question, but doesn't want an answer. "Just be happy," he mumbles, grinning now. Kiseob remains quiet, eerily quiet and eerily still, too. "Kiseob?"
"Yeah?" his friend replies with a yawn. "You figure it out?"
"I think so," he chuckles. "Mind doing me a favor?"
At two in the afternoon, standing outside Eli's apartment, Soohyun knows what he wants. He wants to break down the damn door or at least kick it a little. What Eli apparently wants, however, is the exact opposite, at least judging from the way he is blatantly ignoring his doorbell and Soohyun's shouting. In his defense, Soohyun only started shouting after Eli had made the mistake of peeking out of his window while Soohyun was still standing there.
"Is this how you treat your hyung?" he practically screams. "Making him look bad in front of all of your neighbors?"
"You wouldn't look bad if you went away!" a voice calls back through the door, barely audible. Running his hands on the wall, Soohyun calculates his likely success rate of knocking it down. Not so good, he determines, so he'd better switch tactics.
"Your neighbors are out here complaining about how rude you are! Should I tell them that you don't care?"
Eli may not be the most considerate guy, but he knows, and Soohyun knows, how important it is he remain on good terms with his neighbors. Sure, he may only care because his landlord already has a vendetta against him after the last time Eli had hosted a party for his members and may revoke his lease at the next complaint, but at least he cares. As expected, the door swings open after another moment of hesitation, though Eli promptly walks back into the apartment without so much as a hello.
"I just want to talk," Soohyun calls out as Eli storms into his bedroom and slams the door. Great, another obstacle, but he notes that there is no click indicating a lock.
"Kibum said that you didn't want to talk," Eli calls back through the door. Soohyun leans against the bedroom door and sighs.
"Come out, Eli."
"Go away, hyung."
"Don't want to."
"Go away."
"Come out or I'll come in and get you."
There's a pause at that. Then, with some reluctance, Eli stutters, "Y-Yeah, sure."
A grin spreads across Soohyun's face. "I'll carry you if I have to."
He can just make out an awkward laugh from within the room.
"Princess-style, Eli. I'll carry you out of there, out of your apartment, in front of all of your neighbors and whomever else happens to be outside, princess-style."
Whether it be because he knows how capable Soohyun is of it and he fears further humiliation or he isn't as adverse to talking as he claimed, Eli opens his door.
Dongho proves much easier to convince, answering his door right away and cheerfully following his friends to the NHM building.
Eli hesitates at the door of the building, but a few more threats get him inside, down the hall and into the practice room. Soohyun breathes an inward sigh of relief when they find Kiseob, Xander, Kibum and Kevin waiting for them inside. Kiseob smiles, Xander waves a silent greeting, Kibum frowns and Kevin looks ambivalent, and somehow that's worse.
"We're going to work this out, here and now," Soohyun says while Eli and Dongho wave at their members, confused. Kiseob heads for the door, but Soohyun stops him. "Stay, Kiseob, you're part of this." His expression is dubious but he returns to sitting next to Kevin on the floor. They instinctively lean against each other while Kibum remains standing, arms crossed.
"I don't see why we should have to do this now," Eli grumbles, but Soohyun shrugs him off.
"Quite frankly, I've decided that I don't care what you all think anymore."
Eli balks. Dongho's eyes widen; Kevin's narrow. Kibum remains a sphinx, utterly neutral. Xander is the only one to speak, a hint of amusement in his eye. "You don't care?" he asks slowly.
Soohyun shrugs. "No one else has felt the need to state an opinion, so I'll assume you have none."
"And what exactly gives you this right?" Kibum asks, low and threatening.
Kiseob's panicked look catches Soohyun's eye, and he ends up laughing so hard tears form in his eyes. Kibum flinches when Soohyun starts toward him, and flinches again when Soohyun pulls him into a rough, probably painful hug. "Idiot," he sighs against Kibum's shoulder. "I have no right; just an opinion."
"So you finally decided what you want?" Kibum's smiling when Soohyun pulls away.
"And none of you better complain when you hear what it is."
Kevin's glare softens. "This better be good, hyung." Kiseob wraps an arm around Kevin's shoulder and shakes him gently.
"We're going to do what will make me happy," Soohyun says. Kibum rolls his eyes and punches him in the arm, albeit gently.
"Hyung."
Shrugging, Soohyun looks around the room at each of his friends. He raises his eyebrows and shrugs again when Kibum glares at him. "This is all I want."
Off to the side, Kiseob claps, and Kibum bursts out smiling with a sigh of relief. Dongho and Eli shove Soohyun from behind and he topples onto the floor, on top of Kevin and Kiseob. Three bodies land on him and he can't breathe, laughing and gasping for air at the same time. An elbow digs into his ribs and somewhere above, Dongho squeals as Xander perches on top of them all. Kevin cries out for help and Soohyun rolls to the side. Somehow Kibum and Kiseob land on top of him and he just keeps laughing.
Rating: PG
Fandom: U-Kiss
Pairing: Gen, Soohyun-centric
Word Count: 6282
Summary: When staying may be a bigger mistake than leaving, Soohyun finds his answer in an unlikely place.
Author's Note: Written for kpop_olymfics. This takes place before U-Kiss' comeback in 2009, before Kiseob was a part of the group, when they had considered disbanding.
Team/Prompt Used: Canon / 2NE1 - Go Away
At two in the afternoon Soohyun gets a text from Kibum-- Management says they have something to say to us, what time can you get here? He doesn't send a message back, but hands his sister the bag of groceries and with a quick explanation, heads off in the direction of the NH Media building.
The halls are quiet when he enters the lobby. Nothing new, he nods at the receptionist and makes his way toward the boardroom. On the way he catches Eli as he's coming out of the bathroom. They exchange smiles and Soohyun sighs inwardly, happy to be in his second home. For months now they've been coming here sporadically, doing vocal training or practicing choreography. While the break has been much appreciated, Soohyun can't shake the buzzing in the back of his brain. He wants to dance, to sing, to do something that he's worked so hard all these years to do. And he knows very well that he isn't the only restless one. Eli's hands are shoved deep into his sweatshirt pocket as he glances around the hall, as if waiting for something to pop out at them.
Everyone else is waiting for them when they arrive. Kevin and Kibum are sitting at one end of the long table, and Xander sits, or rather spins, in his chair while telling Kevin some story in English about his latest trip to Hong Kong. Dongho sits a little ways away, quiet as usual and he nods at Soohyun when he and Eli join them all at the table. Soohyun sits on one side of Dongho, Eli the other. On the opposite end of the table is their manager, and a man they've seen before but have never spoken to. His stern expression clashes with Xander's carefree banter.
Soohyun crosses his arms across his chest and waits.
When Xander's story finally ends, the stern man gives a polite cough and the room becomes utterly silent, as if suddenly everyone is afraid to even take a breath. Soohyun lets out a long exhale and it's like glass shattering in that silence. Dongho gives him a surprised look but turns back to the stern man right away.
"We've been thinking about your comeback--"
Sighs of relief, Soohyun's shoulders relax.
"-- and we're just not certain what to do."
So much for that. Their manager looks sharply at the strange man and winces, as if not expecting it himself, except he looks in Soohyun's direction a second later and his eyes dart away before they can meet Soohyun's, or anyone else's.
"Not certain?" Kevin's voice echoes from behind, calm and sweet, a perfectly logical and innocent question. The man sighs heavily, as if bearing a great burden, and runs a hand through his hair.
"Yeah, you see," he begins, heaving another sigh and leaning back in his chair. "We just don't know if you would want to have one."
"Of course we want to have a comeback," Xander says, the confusion and irritation in his voice speaking for the rest of them. Soohyun's arms tense and his jaw clenches. There's something wrong about this man.
"But you know," he goes on. He clasps and unclasps his hands. He looks each of them in the eye in a way that's supposed to be comforting but isn't. "Last time the sales didn't do well."
Xander laughs, involuntarily judging by the surprised look on his face after. Dongho looks at Soohyun, then at his shoes. Kibum looks to Kevin and Kevin looks dangerous. Soohyun has no idea what he looks like. A vein in his neck feels ready to burst and his grinding his teeth to keep from screaming at this man. They know sales were bad, that fan numbers were unexpectedly low, but they were thankful for every single sale and every single fan who came and held up a sign at their performances. Things were going to get better, that's what they always said.
Except now. "We're just giving you a choice here," the man explains. "You can always--"
"--disband." It's Kevin again, and the anger in his voice is heartbreaking, a mix of despair and pure rage that only he's capable of. Soohyun wants to hug the boy but he's glued to his spot.
"It's only an option." And with that, the man gives their manager a satisfied smile, and leaves. Then their manager follows and it's just them and the aching silence.
Looking around, Soohyun meets eyes with Xander first, who motions to Kevin and winces. Kevin is visibly fuming, bottom lip trembling and tears at the corners of his eyes. Kibum is the first to speak. "We don't have to do anything." He speaks slowly, deliberately, placing a hand on Kevin's arm but looking at the rest of them.
"Disbanding isn't an option," Soohyun says quickly.
"Disbanding is always an option," Kevin says bitterly.
"Not for us," Soohyun insists, but Kevin isn't listening. He rises and tries to make for the door, but Soohyun grabs him by the arm and pulls him to the side.
The forearm in his hand is thin and shaking horribly, but he doesn't let go. "We need to be together in this, Kevin," he says in a low whisper.
Kevin looks guilty even as he says it, but the words come out scathing, "Like you need to worry, hyung. You have options, and you'd probably do much better without us."
"Yes, and you also have options," he mutters, biting off each word, "but not everyone here does. What about Eli and Dongho? Get it together for them, at least."
Kevin nods, eyes red and distant. Soohyun lets him run out the door, but regrets it. They need to be together. Then Kibum goes hurrying out of the room as well, then Xander slowly marches out with a desperate look Soohyun's way. Still seated, Eli and Dongho remain quiet, but Eli gets up to go and shakes off Soohyun's attempt to keep him behind.
"Nice to see you have faith in us, hyung."
And then he looks to Dongho, who gives him a small smile and says, "I know you meant well."
It's a small comfort, but Soohyun needs it.
The NHM building is suffocating when he finally brings himself to leave the room. All of the others are long gone, as well as their manager and the strange man. He should probably head home and at least warn his family, but his stomach churns at the thought. Better to let them be oblivious, for now. No need to scare them if there may be no reason to be scared in the first place, and nothing scares his family like the prospect of losing their main income. They didn't need to go through that again. Now he's pacing, arms folded.
The truth is, if they do disband, he does have options. Kevin had been right about that much, but Soohyun isn't sure whether to be grateful or not. Thanks to U-Kiss, he has a good amount of experience to bring to any other company, and no one could deny that at the very least, his voice is something valuable. Not to mention the connections he's managed to make in the industry. He plays with his cell phone for a few minutes while continuing his loop around the empty hallways. Jokwon and Junho are both always complaining about how he doesn't keep in touch, so he could call either. He enters Jokwon's number and pauses over the call button. There's no doubt that Jokwon would be willing to speak up for him, and there's very little doubt that JYPE wouldn't let him back in, but there's a nagging feeling at the back of Soohyun's head that keeps him from pressing the button.
This shouldn't be so hard. Despite all his worrying, he knows every would be perfectly fine should they go separate ways. Companies would be scouting Kevin the second he stepped outside the building, though NHM would probably give him an amazing offer to stick with them. Maybe they'd form a new group and try again. Xander could finally try being a real MC, his dream even before joining U-Kiss. Kibum has a world of connections, not even taking consideration his brother and his connections. Eli is more popular than anyone gives him credit for, so he could be recruited, too, or maybe finally go back to his family. As much as he tries to hide it, everyone knows how much Eli misses his family. As for Dongho, there has been talk for months about getting him onto variety shows and maybe even letting him try acting. The kid had a good future ahead of him, in U-Kiss or not.
"Hyung!" a voice calls from behind him. Soohyun snaps the phone shut and shoves it back into his pocket. A wave of relief washes over him the second the phone is out of sight. There's plenty of time to decide, after all. No need to rush. He turns to see a boy running toward him, shaggy hair covered by a beanie and glasses almost falling off his nose as he bounces forward.
"I didn't know you were coming in today, Kiseob," Soohyun says, his voice wavering even though he forces a smile. Luckily Kiseob is too busy keeping his bag from sliding off of his arm to notice.
"Trying to get as much practice as I can!" he replies with a beaming smile. "How about you, hyung? Going to practice?" The excitement in Kiseob's eyes betrays his hope for some company, so Soohyun nods. Home is the last place he wants to go right now anyway. Kiseob grabs his by the arm to skip toward the practice rooms.
The room starts to spin so Soohyun lets his legs finally give out, crumpling to the polished floor. Kiseob continues to move, but kicks a water bottle toward his fallen friend. To Soohyun's tired eyes, Kiseob's limbs seem to move in slow motion, locking and bending and twisting of their own accord. The look of extreme concentration scrunching up Kiseob's features is the only sign that he has any control over what he's doing. Soohyun takes a long drink from the water bottle and stretches out his arms above his head. The t-shirt and gym shorts he's wearing are borrowed from Kiseob, who for some reason of his own hadn't questioned why, if Soohyun had come to practice, he'd worn jeans.
"You're really good," Soohyun comments when Kiseob finishes the routine. "It's a shame they haven't made any plans for you yet."
"I'll get there," Kiseob pants and settles down beside Soohyun. He grabs the bottle out of Soohyun's hands and finishes off the contents. "I just like being here."
Soohyun closes his eyes and sighs. "If only I'd been like you as a trainee."
"What were you like?"
"Bored. Frustrated. Impatient." He blinks his eyes open and starts counting the tiles on the ceiling. "I changed companies as if it was the easiest thing in the world. What if I'd stayed, you know?"
"Ah, don't be like that." Something smacks against Soohyun's shoulder as Kiseob laughs. "You know you made the right decision." Soohyun grabs the towel as Kiseob tries to hit him again and ends up yanking the other boy along with it. Kiseob falls onto his side and lightly punches Soohyun's arm instead.
"You think I made the right decision?"
Kiseob giggles, "Of course you did." He groans and gets back to his feet. "Stop thinking about silly stuff like that, hyung, and spend more time practicing. Your dancing is weak."
"What?" Soohyun snaps and grabs Kiseob's wrist to drag him back down. He tickles the boy's sides until Kiseob is screaming with laughter, the happy sound echoing off of the mirrored walls. "Say that again, I dare you!"
Kisoeb gasps for air and tries to shove Soohyun away. "Never!" But Soohyun won't let him go that easily. Soon enough Kiseob goes limp, tears in his eyes as he cries, "Fine, fine! Hyung is the greatest dancer ever!"
"That's what you get for lying." He grins and grabs another bottle of water out of Kiseob's bag. Kiseob nods in appreciation when Soohyun offers it to him.
"You're so mean."
Soohyun smirks and smacks Kiseob in the stomach, making him spill the water onto his chest. "Laughing is good for those abs of yours."
After finally getting his drink, Kiseob forces himself to sit up, wincing and grabbing his stomach. "Are you coming again tomorrow, hyung?" he asks.
The meeting from earlier resurfaces in Soohyun's mind, but Soohyun pushes it down again. "Are you?"
"I come every day," he chirps.
Soohyun shrugs and cocks his head. "I might swing by again."
That seems to please Kiseob. He grins and stands back up, offering Soohyun his hand.
That evening Soohyun is able to go home and pretend that the call had been about a last-minute practice session, which also helps explain why he wants to go straight to bed. His mother gives him a quick hug and his sister orders him to at least shower before going to sleep. The normalcy is the best thing he could hope for, and he, for once, obeys his sister. Lying in bed, unable to sleep because of his wet hair or his nerves or both, he plays with his phone again. There are no missed calls and no new text messages, which is unusual considering on any other day he couldn't go an hour without one of them texting. Even one of Eli's nonsensical, half-English texts would make the blank screen of Soohyun's cell less lonely.
Knowing them, they are all at this very moment in the same situation. Sitting. Waiting. Hoping someone will call, but unwilling to hit the dial button themselves.
In this situation, Soohyun knows he should make the first move. He needs to apologize to Eli. He needs to make sure Dongho really is okay. As much as he dreads it, he should probably check in on Kevin, but that can wait. Kevin has Kibum, after all. As always, Soohyun thinks of Xander last and he kicks himself for it. While Xander is probably the one he should worry the least about, as for all his crazy antics, he's a pretty down-to-earth guy, but that doesn't mean Soohyun can always forget him. It's a habit Soohyun's been trying to break for years. Just because he knows he should call one of them, though, doesn't mean he wants to. Not one bit, actually.
Just as he's about to dial Kibum, an incoming text message interrupts the process. The name brings a small smile to his lips, and he opens the message right away:
Hyung~~
Are u coming tomorrow ? ^^ I can bring u clothes again if u want kkk
Yawning for the first time since arriving home, Soohyun replies that he won't need the clothes, but he'll be there. A little distraction is never a bad thing, or at least that's what he tells himself.
The next morning he spends sweating out his agitation routine after routine with Kiseob by his side. When Soohyun takes a quick break, Kiseob entertains him with a special version of their "Talk to Me" routine which has Soohyun rolling across the dance floor, laughing until he can't see straight. Lunch time comes and goes, and by mid-afternoon their stomaches are growling so loud Soohyun can hear them over the music. They decide to go out for a quick meal before returning for more practice. On the way out of the building, though, they spy a familiar figure approaching the building from the opposite direction.
"Ah, it's Kibum," Kiseob mumbles, getting ready to wave to their friend. Soohyun grabs Kiseob's arm to stop him and tries to hurry the boy along.
"Let's just go," he replies quickly. Kiseob is all large, innocent eyes, but he does what Soohyun asks.
"Hyung!" Kibum's voice calls them back as they try to hurry off, and Soohyun curses. He turns and gives Kibum and awkward smile, which Kibum returns with an equally embarrassed attempt at a smile. Kiseob looks from one to the other, obviously dumbfounded.
For a long time, Soohyun struggles to find something to say, but Kibum speaks first, finally, "I was hoping I'd find you here."
"I was just practicing with Kiseob," he says, voice betraying how guilty he feels.
"I was hoping you'd call-"
"I was waiting for someone to call me." Kibum flushes at Soohyun's sharp tone, and his guilt worsens. "Um, how's Kevin?"
It's a strange question, full of assumptions, but he can't help asking. "He's staying at my place. Playing with Choco. Probably."
"That's good."
When they lapse into painful silence again, Kiseob grins and shoves Kibum's arm. "Hey, why haven't I seen you around?"
At that, Kibum looks to Soohyun. "You haven't told him?"
"I'd rather not," he replies through clenched teeth. "No need to."
"Have you told anyone?"
"Of course not. Why should I?"
"Because it's really fucking important." Kibum's jaw clenches and he glances at Kiseob. "We need to talk about this."
Something snaps in Soohyun, resulting in a sharp exhale of air ending in a laugh. "Then by all means, get everyone together and we will," he practically spits at his friend.
Kibum flinches. "But you-"
"Why the hell is it my job?" Soohyun breathes, so quietly he's not sure anyone can hear him but he really doesn't care. "Since when am I the one who has to get everyone to talk? I tried yesterday and pissed everyone off, so why can't someone else take the lead for once?" Kibum's mouth falls open, but he snaps it shut and remains silent. The growl of his stomach snaps Soohyun out of his daze, and he grabs Kiseob by the arm again and leads him, more gently this time, back down the street.
In his twenty years on Earth, Soohyun has never met anyone quite like Lee Kiseob. Not only does he not bring up the confrontation during lunch, but he seems content to pretend like nothing happened at all. During the remainder of their practice, Soohyun is on pins and needles. Every glance Kiseob sends his way seems to carry meaning at first, but turns out to be another happy grin or frustrated frown at making a mistake or a slight look of worry if Soohyun stumbles. Maybe he can tell that this is what Soohyun wants, to keep pushing himself until he collapses on the floor, and then pull himself back up and try for more.
Kiseob is a strange kid, Soohyun's always known that. Perpetually happy and yet, when he thinks others aren't watching, he has a look in his eyes as if his heart is slowly and constantly breaking little by little. That look is why Soohyun first gravitated toward Kiseob, following his natural instinct to help, but over time the roles have switched. Now, more and more, he finds himself going to Kiseob when times get tough. Or, magically, Kiseob will show up at the exact moment Soohyun needs him. Kiseob possesses something neither Soohyun nor anyone Soohyun has ever met has: an instinctual knack to have the perfect expression at any time.
When Soohyun is ready to give up, Kiseob smiles and urges him on. When Soohyun is just too tired, Kiseob frowns and collapses at the exact same time. When Soohyun wants to ignore everything, Kiseob is ready and waiting to distract. In the middle of their practice, Kiseob swings from the ballet bar by his arms and legs and howls like a monkey. Soohyun has no idea why, but it is enough to make him cough a laugh when he hasn't even smiled since lunch. Kiseob's grin is subtly victorious as he returns to practicing.
A message waiting for him at home is not so forgiving, however. His sister is finishing washing the dishes when he walks into the house, and she says over her shoulder, "Xander called earlier. Wants you to come over tomorrow." The words are casual, though confused. She peeks at him and cocks her head. "Not sure why he didn't just call you."
Because I wouldn't have answered. Kibum must have called in reinforcements. "Thanks," he replies quietly. She smiles and directs him to the table with a movement of her head. He sits down and shoves a spoonful of rice into his mouth, but tastes nothing.
Knocking on Xander's door takes Soohyun ten whole minutes of mental preparation, followed by five more minutes of raising his hand to knock, but chickening out at the last second. When he finally does knock, Xander opens the door so quickly, and with such an amused smile, that Soohyun wonders if he'd been watching the entire charade. While Soohyun slides off his shoes as slowly as possible, Xander meanders back into the living room and settles onto his huge couch with a similarly huge bowl of popcorn.
"Kibum called me." Blunt as always.
Soohyun plops down next to Xander and grabs a handful of popcorn despite not being hungry. "Is that right?"
Xander remains staring at the television. "He was really upset."
"Not surprising."
The tv flashes off. "I understand your frustration, but you're being an idiot."
That strikes a nerve. Soohyun turns to glare at Xander but receives a level stare in return. It's unnerving enough to make Soohyun turn away again. "I'm taking some time to think, just like everyone else."
"Thinking or pretending?"
"If no one else wants to address the issue, why should I?"
The bowl is taken away and Soohyun tenses, not sure what to do with his hands now. He glances at Xander but can't meet that stare without flinching. "Because you're better than that," Xander explains, stressing each syllable. "You're not the type to avoid his problems and leave his friends hanging."
Cold guilt grips his stomach, but he mutters a clipped, "Sorry to disappoint you." The apartment is deathly silent and he can't take it, so he gets to his feet and heads for the door.
"If you're so happy to play trainee with Kiseob, then call those friends of yours and get out while you can." Soohyun's hands balls into fists at his sides and he shoves his shoes back on. "But if you want to stay Shin Soohyun, power vocalist of U-Kiss, the responsible guy everyone knows they can rely on, then you better be ready to say so."
The door slams so hard behind Soohyun, the thick brick walls shake.
At two in the afternoon, standing outside Xander's building, Soohyun knows where he wants to go. They hadn't made plans, but Kiseob had mentioned earlier that he practices almost every day, and more than likely he'll be expecting Soohyun to show up again. Every fiber of his being urges him to forget Kibum, forget Xander, and go do what he wants, but a quiet, nagging voice in the back of his consciousness whispers that entering that building again without a plan would be betrayal. And even if he isn't entirely himself these days, Shin Soohyun betrays no one.
An idea occurs to him, and he smiles to himself, applauding his own wit. Dialing the number he'd resisted calling days ago, he finds it much easier to do now that Xander had all but ordered him to do so.
Jokwon is sitting comfortably at a table when Soohyun enters the coffee shop. There are two mugs steaming in front of them, one placed in front of the empty chair. Jokwon only glances up at Soohyun as he takes his seat. His eyes look tired, but alert, and he waits patiently for Soohyun to speak first. What a rare occurrence.
"Thanks for meeting me," Soohyun says before taking a sip of his coffee. "And for this, too."
Giving a benevolent nod, he replies, "Don't ever tell people I'm a bad friend."
"The worst," Soohyun chuckles.
Jokwon smiles a bit despite himself, but his arms remain neatly folded. "So what is this all about? It's not like you to do something like this."
"Seems to be a trend lately."
An eyebrow raises, intrigued but not appreciating the vagueness. "Oh?"
A young girl walks by them and stares for a few minutes. They both wave and she skitters away, but Soohyun can't shake off the feeling that they're being watched. "Ah, things are bad," he finally groans.
"Details?"
Soohyun shifts in his seat and looks back around the shop. The words roll around on his tongue, but get stuck between his lips. The girl is still hovering somewhere near the back of the shop, so he just says, "I may not have anywhere to go soon."
Apparently Jokwon is unfazed by the girl's presence, because he replies directly, "Then come back to JYPE."
"You think it's that easy?" He leans forward into his elbows and lowers his voice to a whisper. "They would take me back?"
Jokwon shrugs. "You're one of the few trainees they remember. You've debuted once, so you have experience on your side. And it's not as if you lack talent." The words hit Soohyun hard, making him sit back. A world of opportunities opens up before him, and yet bile rises in his throat. How easy it would be to accept it all.
"I'm too old, though, right?"
"Not at all. You're the perfect age right now." Jokwon reaches across and touches Soohyun's hand gently, but only for a moment. "You're not okay right now; I can see that. But I'm being honest because you need to consider the big picture in making your next move. You love your U-Kiss friends, and you love us over at JYPE, too, and we all want what's best for you. Do what you feel is right, Soohyun."
A lump in his throat makes his voice hoarse, but he manages a laugh. "What do you think I should do?"
Another shrug. "I think you should stop torturing yourself like an idiot." Soohyun laughs out loud. "And," Jokwon continues, narrowing his eyes, "you should call Junho. Or Jaebum. Or Junsu. They may be able to offer some advice, too, and they've all been complaining about how you never call."
Instantly Soohyun relaxes and allows himself to take another sip of his coffee. "I thought about inviting Junho instead, but they've all been so busy."
Packets of sugar fly across the table and land in his lap. "And I'm not busy?" Jokwon scoffs with a glare. Soohyun sighs happily and places the packets back into their little holder.
That night when he finally does call Junho, the 2PM dorm is apparently in chaos. Taecyeon is laughing in the background as Junho searches for a quiet place to speak. "Kwon says you're coming back!" he shouts through the phone.
"Nothing's official yet," Soohyun corrects him, shouting back so Junho can hear him. His mother gives him a weird look as she passes his bedroom door.
"Oh." A pause. "Well that would be cool! Wouldn't it?" Someone mumbles to Junho and he laughs. "Just like old times." Junho and whoever is with him continue to talk while Soohyun grins to himself. Chansung's voice echoes from somewhere in the background. Probably demanding food. Typical.
"Why don't you ever call me, huh?" a familiar voice shouts into the phone.
"Junsu-hyung!" he calls back. Junho says something to Junsu about going away and they start to argue. A third voice enters and scolds the two of them. Shuffling ensues and Junho's voice grows distant.
"Hyung!" Soohyun can hear Junho whine in the background.
"That's what you get for letting your guard down," Jaebum snickers. "Long time no see, man," he continues, this time to Soohyun.
"How are you, hyung?" Soohyun asks, stifling a yawn.
"About the same as you, looks like." He yawns, too, and grunts as he presumably takes a seat. "What's up? Jokwon made it sound serious."
Soohyun sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. "It isn't yet, but it could be." Jae laughs and mumbles something in English. "Hyung. Korean."
"Oh, sorry. Just do what you have to do, bro."
"Do you ever make sense?"
"Now and then. Taec says I'm a philosopher."
He smirks. "I'm sure."
Jae chuckles again and shouts something as someone else enters the room. "This shit may seem serious, but just be happy. Do what you have to and be happy, man. If those guys are really your friends, they'll be cool with whatever you do if it makes you happy."
With that, the line goes dead, because apparently that is all the explanation Jaebum thought necessary. Oddly enough, Soohyun sleeps better that night than he has in days. Maybe Jae is more of a philosopher than anyone gives him credit for.
Kiseob looks surprised when Soohyun comes to the practice room the next day. "I thought you guys were maybe talking it out," he says while Soohyun stretches.
All Soohyun does is shake his head. "You're really good at acting clueless."
"You'd be surprised how useful it is."
His nonchalance doesn't stop Soohyun from sulking. They practice in uncharacteristic silence for a good hour or so before Kiseob body-blocks the stereo, then the door, and Soohyun is forced to sulk in the center of the room. "Is being a nuisance useful, too?" he grumbles.
Cocking his head, Kiseob smiles a little. "Now and then."
"What the hell do you want?"
"I thought we could play a game."
That makes Soohyun relax, at least enough to take a seat and allow Kiseob to drop his guard. They sit facing each other in the center of the dance floor. Kiseob grins and Soohyun frowns, but it obviously doesn't bother his friend one bit. "What kind of game?" he asks when Kiseob remains silent.
"We'll play pretend," he explains cheerfully. "Pretend I'm Kibum, or Kevin, or maybe one of those creepy reps. Tell me what you want to do."
His frown deepens. "In regards to what?" Kiseob rolls his eyes but Soohyun feigns ignorance. Not very well, he'll admit, but he's not trying to be convincing.
"Do you want to leave U-Kiss?" Silence. "Are you going to take your old friends up on their offer?" Soohyun's lack of reaction only makes Kiseob's smile widen. "Maybe you'll get a better deal? Make more money?"
Soohyun growls his response between clenched teeth, "This isn't about money."
"Then do you want to leave U-Kiss?"
"I want what's best for everyone."
"Which is disbandment?"
That earns Kiseob a definite flinch. Soohyun concedes his temporary defeat with a quiet, "I don't know."
"You want what's best for everyone, but you don't know what that is?" A silent nod. "Then why not just do what's best for you?"
"And what's best for me?" Soohyun sneers.
Kiseob shrugs. "How am I supposed to know? I'm Kibum."
The laugh that escapes Soohyun is dry and exhausted, but it bursts the swell of tension and Soohyun smirks. "Everyone keeps telling me to do whatever I want."
"So why don't you?"
"Because it might not be what's best."
"But it might be what everyone else wants, too."
The practice room is dark, the only light coming from the small window in the door and the even smaller digital screen of the stereo system. Kiseob hugs his knees to his chest and stares at the mirrors behind Soohyun. His eyes are huge, almost luminescent in the darkness. Goosebumps rise on Soohyun's arms and he rubs them away. A small part of him wants to stand up, walk out, go the hell home, but he remains seated. Another part of him wants to call up Jae, though he has no idea why. Maybe to just hear the guy's voice again. Taec says I'm a philosopher. He smiles to himself and swears that Kiseob sees it, because he moves a little bit, as if surprised.
"Just do what I have to. To be happy?" He asks it like a question, but doesn't want an answer. "Just be happy," he mumbles, grinning now. Kiseob remains quiet, eerily quiet and eerily still, too. "Kiseob?"
"Yeah?" his friend replies with a yawn. "You figure it out?"
"I think so," he chuckles. "Mind doing me a favor?"
At two in the afternoon, standing outside Eli's apartment, Soohyun knows what he wants. He wants to break down the damn door or at least kick it a little. What Eli apparently wants, however, is the exact opposite, at least judging from the way he is blatantly ignoring his doorbell and Soohyun's shouting. In his defense, Soohyun only started shouting after Eli had made the mistake of peeking out of his window while Soohyun was still standing there.
"Is this how you treat your hyung?" he practically screams. "Making him look bad in front of all of your neighbors?"
"You wouldn't look bad if you went away!" a voice calls back through the door, barely audible. Running his hands on the wall, Soohyun calculates his likely success rate of knocking it down. Not so good, he determines, so he'd better switch tactics.
"Your neighbors are out here complaining about how rude you are! Should I tell them that you don't care?"
Eli may not be the most considerate guy, but he knows, and Soohyun knows, how important it is he remain on good terms with his neighbors. Sure, he may only care because his landlord already has a vendetta against him after the last time Eli had hosted a party for his members and may revoke his lease at the next complaint, but at least he cares. As expected, the door swings open after another moment of hesitation, though Eli promptly walks back into the apartment without so much as a hello.
"I just want to talk," Soohyun calls out as Eli storms into his bedroom and slams the door. Great, another obstacle, but he notes that there is no click indicating a lock.
"Kibum said that you didn't want to talk," Eli calls back through the door. Soohyun leans against the bedroom door and sighs.
"Come out, Eli."
"Go away, hyung."
"Don't want to."
"Go away."
"Come out or I'll come in and get you."
There's a pause at that. Then, with some reluctance, Eli stutters, "Y-Yeah, sure."
A grin spreads across Soohyun's face. "I'll carry you if I have to."
He can just make out an awkward laugh from within the room.
"Princess-style, Eli. I'll carry you out of there, out of your apartment, in front of all of your neighbors and whomever else happens to be outside, princess-style."
Whether it be because he knows how capable Soohyun is of it and he fears further humiliation or he isn't as adverse to talking as he claimed, Eli opens his door.
Dongho proves much easier to convince, answering his door right away and cheerfully following his friends to the NHM building.
Eli hesitates at the door of the building, but a few more threats get him inside, down the hall and into the practice room. Soohyun breathes an inward sigh of relief when they find Kiseob, Xander, Kibum and Kevin waiting for them inside. Kiseob smiles, Xander waves a silent greeting, Kibum frowns and Kevin looks ambivalent, and somehow that's worse.
"We're going to work this out, here and now," Soohyun says while Eli and Dongho wave at their members, confused. Kiseob heads for the door, but Soohyun stops him. "Stay, Kiseob, you're part of this." His expression is dubious but he returns to sitting next to Kevin on the floor. They instinctively lean against each other while Kibum remains standing, arms crossed.
"I don't see why we should have to do this now," Eli grumbles, but Soohyun shrugs him off.
"Quite frankly, I've decided that I don't care what you all think anymore."
Eli balks. Dongho's eyes widen; Kevin's narrow. Kibum remains a sphinx, utterly neutral. Xander is the only one to speak, a hint of amusement in his eye. "You don't care?" he asks slowly.
Soohyun shrugs. "No one else has felt the need to state an opinion, so I'll assume you have none."
"And what exactly gives you this right?" Kibum asks, low and threatening.
Kiseob's panicked look catches Soohyun's eye, and he ends up laughing so hard tears form in his eyes. Kibum flinches when Soohyun starts toward him, and flinches again when Soohyun pulls him into a rough, probably painful hug. "Idiot," he sighs against Kibum's shoulder. "I have no right; just an opinion."
"So you finally decided what you want?" Kibum's smiling when Soohyun pulls away.
"And none of you better complain when you hear what it is."
Kevin's glare softens. "This better be good, hyung." Kiseob wraps an arm around Kevin's shoulder and shakes him gently.
"We're going to do what will make me happy," Soohyun says. Kibum rolls his eyes and punches him in the arm, albeit gently.
"Hyung."
Shrugging, Soohyun looks around the room at each of his friends. He raises his eyebrows and shrugs again when Kibum glares at him. "This is all I want."
Off to the side, Kiseob claps, and Kibum bursts out smiling with a sigh of relief. Dongho and Eli shove Soohyun from behind and he topples onto the floor, on top of Kevin and Kiseob. Three bodies land on him and he can't breathe, laughing and gasping for air at the same time. An elbow digs into his ribs and somewhere above, Dongho squeals as Xander perches on top of them all. Kevin cries out for help and Soohyun rolls to the side. Somehow Kibum and Kiseob land on top of him and he just keeps laughing.