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you have to tell yourself that its not your battle. over and over again you say things like this but it still feels stuck. there's still that voice in your throat that explodes and demands and fights. you get mean. your hair is dirty. you have yoga tomorrow at 11 am. and ceramics. and you have to wake up at 7 30 and it's 3 in the morning, now
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my fight is constant. i sleep, live, and stabilize with a girl ive known for three years. one day we fell in love. and the closer we get, the more my brain tries to yank me away to protect myself. i think. every night its dream after dream of somebody else, enticing me and distracting me from whats right in front of me. i dont know what to do. the trauma of my past is almost like a fake headache your body produces to get that aspirin you're addicted to. its trying to fool me. i know it. i feel so helpless.
its hard to follow your head instead of your heart.
my hearts cage is fogged up completely.
my head is the only thing that knows better, about us.
i know i have to break through this wall, but its psychologically messing with me.
i need summer.
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i feel broken. now. in this moment. at night. i have periods of time that are good and solid, and periods of time that i am a warrior fighting some fucking battle i don't understand. and what is that word anyway? i'm about to go talk it out with a cigarette because i'm out of control. im spun so tight. spunspunspun. i don't know, e. what is it. we're sitting on a planet thats spinning and there's no real gravity.
there is panic maybe. i don't know what to do.
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it must be
words are the gravity
and ive been without it, too.
and all the sunglasses ive bought look like shit.
but i really never bought any.
because my old ones block out the sun just fine.
i dont know what to do either.
except plug in everything.
i need dialogue
to see myself breathing.
words to speak to know im alive.
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