Comments | pillarofruin: I will not go gentle into that good night.

pillarofruin

I will not go gentle into that good night.

Oct 11, 2009 04:00

I know you all have good reason to hate me now. I won't expect sympathy.

But if all I can do is voice my concern, then I'm going to do that at least. Something seems very, very wrong, and it has to do with Vayne. It's only worse now than ever. Before, I feared that he might become a threat-- I knew it with mortal certainty-- but now, I know ( Read more... )

concerns, personal

Comments 20

exceedinglife October 11 2009, 11:14:08 UTC

Sensei.... I know you're still in the infirmary-- or, I guess you are, anyway-- but have you even had a chance to read what we've all been saying on our journals? We don't hate you... none of us hate you.... Well, Roxis has been acting a bit antagonistic, but.... I do sympathise. I... don't think you were right, of course, but Vayne and I... we don't want any more hatred. Can't we just put everything behind us?

And Vayne's been saying there's something wrong too.... He doesn't know what it is, either.... He's not doing anything.... Shouldn't you two be working on a solution to this together?

pillarofruin October 11 2009, 11:19:21 UTC

I think you are all, without realising it, making excuses. None of you wants to face the fact that Vayne is dangerous, the idea that he might have to be destroyed. I can understand why you'd feel that way, but think of what is at stake here.

That much power... He could do anything. All of the things that are so wrong you feel confident that they could never happen because the world works that way, he could still do. All it takes is a wish.

exceedinglife October 11 2009, 11:24:04 UTC

He'd never wish for any of those sorts of things! His heart... it's so pure, he couldn't even think of it! He'd never be bad! He doesn't want anything but to make people happy, he doesn't have a thought or a desire that doesn't start with "I want to make things better"! He just doesn't! Can't you see that?

That night, when we held the graduation party, we were all drinking firewater, and we could all see.... We could all see that he was just pure light. There wasn't a stain on his soul. It's not a case of not facing facts, it's a case of what's staring us in the face!

pillarofruin October 11 2009, 11:34:48 UTC

But he probably wishes that you would think that... Not that I'm saying he would on purpose, but what if he can't help wishing it would be that way? I'm sure that if he was sufficiently afraid of disappearing or being forsaken by his friends, he would wish that you thought it was a good idea that he stay. Not because he wanted to deceive on purpose, but just because he didn't want you to leave him.

Thread 10

thewishfire October 11 2009, 11:17:30 UTC

Sensei! Thank goodness, you got back somewhere safe.... And you're well enough to type, at least.... Where are you?

And... you feel it too.... Those feelings, they're the same as inside me.... Is it my fault? Did I do something to you.... What's going on, sensei.... Do you know anything....

pillarofruin October 11 2009, 11:21:52 UTC

I'm somewhere safe, yes.

I know that something is very, very wrong, and you're laced all through it. It's you, Vayne. You're what's wrong. I'm sorry that it has to be this way, but please understand, it's my duty as a teacher-- no, as an alchemist-- to protect everyone. Even if I give up on my personal feelings, I have to protect this world.

thewishfire October 11 2009, 11:28:42 UTC

I see.... I'm sorry... I really did do something to you, didn't I.... I was only trying to... I only wanted to help.... It was like your heart was calling out to me... and I did... something... I don't know... but now it's like this....

Maybe I am too dangerous, but... why? I don't think I've thought any bad things... I don't think I've wanted anything bad.... And... when I think about going away... I feel heartbroken... not because I want to live... but because that feels so wrong, too.... It really does, Isolde-sensei.... Please believe me.... I don't know what to do, but can't we-- talk to some researchers, ask about this, something... because I don't think it's right that I leave, and I'm not just saying that to protect myself, I don't care about myself, I just really think that would be bad....

pillarofruin October 11 2009, 11:36:57 UTC

I don't know why, Vayne... I may be your teacher, but I'm far from all-knowing. I only know that something feels so wrong right now, this can't be right. I'm certain of that much. I know down to my blood and my bones and the spirit that animates them that something is wrong. And it's got you written all over it.

Thread 7

justicewearsred October 11 2009, 11:36:53 UTC

Sensei, I can imagine what you must be going through right now... thinking you're the only one who has a chance of making things right. But-- and I respect you as a teacher, so don't take offence-- if you're right, everyone else in this place is wrong. And you just happen to be the one who has a big chip on your shoulder about what happened to Theofratus.

I don't mean to insult you, sensei. I'm just trying to get you to see. I believe that something's wrong-- Vayne himself said that much; I don't think that's just you. But you need to separate whatever's going on from your feelings about Vayne. For his sake. For yours. For everyone's.

pillarofruin October 11 2009, 11:46:07 UTC

But I know this has to do with Vayne. I can't be wrong about this. I couldn't be more certain... I know in the way that one knows things to do with alchemy, and Mana, and so on. Things that literally cannot be wrong because they are so deeply true.

I may be the only one with a chip on my shoulder about Theofratus, but you are Vayne's workshopmates-- his dear, close friends, the people he synthesises with. You're so close to him, you have reason to have a chip on your shoulder about him. I'm not saying you do on purpose, but rather that you've convinced yourself. It is true, isn't it, that you would grieve to lose him? I couldn't blame you for wanting to do anything to save him, no matter what you had to convince yourself to believe...

justicewearsred October 11 2009, 11:52:07 UTC

I don't doubt that it has to do with Vayne, sensei. He's feeling it, too, and right now it seems like you two are the only ones who are. Whatever else that means, I'm sure it means he's involved. I'm saying you need to separate the fact that something is happening because of Vayne from the idea that Vayne needs to be destroyed. We don't even know what's happening; just that he hurts, and you do ( ... )