Dóchas Part 7
Arthur stares miserably at the letter from the CAO board, as they cheerfully inform him that he had gotten his first choice - Health Science and Physiology in Sligo IT, which means that he can stay at home and go to college. He should have chosen something far away, in Dublin, or Carlow, or Cork, or England, but like an eejit, he of course had chosen the course that would allow him to stay close to Merlin. Merlin who he hasn’t seen since the video game night over two weeks ago. The night that Arthur can’t stop thinking about, can’t help but imagine going different - where Merlin didn’t run away, but instead kept leaning in until they… Arthur shivers and shakes his head, disgusted with himself. There is absolutely no point in thinking about that - Merlin’s never going to speak to him again. Arthur’s thinking about if he could possibly change his first choice, when there’s a knock on the front door.
Frowning, Arthur goes to the door, wondering who it is: Uther’s still at work, and Morgana’s off getting baptised, so Arthur decided to stay at home - telling Morgana that he’ll cover for her if Uther closes up early, but knowing it’s because he doesn’t want to see Merlin; it’s too painful. When he opens the door, his breath leaves him in a rush as he beholds Merlin standing in front of him, his expression wretched and broken.
“Hey,” Merlin says softly, offering a wan smile.
Arthur crosses his arms and replies, “Hello,” his tone guarded. “Shouldn’t you be at Morgana’s initiation?”
“The church is not the mafia,” Merlin snorts, then sniffs and asks, “Can I come in? Please?”
Arthur nods and steps into the house, Merlin following. Merlin shuts the door and then stands facing it, while Arthur waits, not trusting himself to speak.
“Arthur, I… I’m sorry about that night. I wanted to explain,” Merlin says, still facing the door.
“Okay, go ahead,” Arthur replies distantly.
Merlin sighs and says, “Ever since… I’ve never met anyone like you Arthur, you’re so different from everyone, and you understand me like no one ever has. I thought that what I felt for you was just really intense friendship, but lately I’ve realised it’s something… more.”
Hope and fear spark up in Arthur’s chest, and his voice shakes as he asks, “What do you mean by more?”
“I mean, for the first time in my life, I have feelings for someone, feelings that are scary and overwhelming, and make me want things I don’t even understand.”
At this Merlin whips around and stares Arthur right in the eye. He takes a step towards Arthur, and Arthur takes a step forward in return, feeling giddy, nervous, and unsure.
“Arthur, I planned on coming here tonight, and telling you that despite that, I’m going to have my ordination tomorrow and become a priest, but when I look at you-” Merlin takes another step, and Arthur can’t move, can’t breathe, can barely hear above the erratic thumping of his heart. “I look at you and I want-” another step, “I want to touch, and hold, and…” At this, Merlin stops talking, his face right in Arthur’s.
There’s a breathless pause, and suddenly, they’re kissing, frantic and desperate. Neither knows which moved first into it, but they don’t care, simply wrap themselves tightly together, almost trying to fuse together through their kisses. Arthur moans brokenly as Merlin licks slowly into his mouth, sloppy and desperate. Arthur feels crazed with desire, not fully able to believe he has this right here. Trying to reassure himself, he runs his hands up Merlin’s arms and down his back. He hold Merlin’s small waist between his hands, lust spiking through him at how well Merlin fits against him. Merlin sucks in a sharp breath, and suddenly his hands are everywhere: clutching at Arthur’s shoulders, running through his hair, down his thighs, and then grabbing his ass, pulling him forward. Before Arthur realises what’s happening, Merlin’s up against the front door, pulling Arthur against him. Arthur pulls away from the kiss with a groan as their erections brush against one another, and his hips start moving automatically, grinding against Merlin’s. Merlin lets out a sharp cry, and then whimpers, his eyes wide open and glazed, as his head falls back against the door. Arthur gazes at the long expanse of skin before him, and is helpless to do anything but lean in and taste it, his hips still going, working up to a frantic pace. Merlin moans loudly, his hands working up to clutch at Arthur’s hair, and his legs falling open as his hips move in time with Arthur’s. Merlin’s breaths are stuttered, and Arthur’s panting so quickly he feels he can barely breathe. Their movements take on a primal, feral edge, and Merlin bites down on Arthur’s shoulder and groans as he climaxes, sending Arthur over the edge with him.
They remain still for a few minutes, melting against each other as they catch their breath, but Arthur’s euphoric afterglow is smashed as Merlin stiffens and then pushes him away, his expression one of disgust and horror.
“What have I? …Oh god.”
Merlin fumbles with the front door, opens it and runs without so much as a glance at Arthur, who crumples into a heap on the ground, his heart broken. After what feels like a lifetime, Arthur stands, anger and determination coursing through him - there is NO WAY Merlin is getting away from him without a fight! Arthur runs out the front door, past a startled Uther on his way home, and down the road to the priest’s house. Father Gaius looks surprised to see him, and tells him that he hasn’t seen Merlin since before Morgana’s ceremony, but maybe he’s at the after party in the church hall. Be the time Arthur gets there, it’s over and the hall is empty. Feeling lost and confused, he runs around the whole town, going everywhere and anywhere, but after three hours of searching, he hasn’t found Merlin. Feeling utterly defeated and wretched, he slowly walks home… and into a war zone.
*****
As Father Gaius closes the front door on a distraught-looking Arthur, Merlin bursts in through the back door, his eyes crazy and his appearance dishevelled, as if he’d been running through fields and hedgerows.
“Merlin! What’s going on, Arthur’s just here-” he begins, turning to open the front door.
“No!!” Merlin yells, springing forward.
He falls at Father Gaius’ feet and starts sobbing. “Please Father, please forgive me, please please.”
Extremely worried, Father Gaius kneels beside Merlin and says, “My dear boy, what’s the matter? What is it you need forgiveness for?”
“Oh Father, I’ve sinned, I’ve sinned so badly,” Merlin chokes out, and then proceeds to tell the old priest everything; the progression of his feeling for Arthur, his dreams and desires, all culminating in what had happened this evening.
“Merlin, please, do not be so distraught,” Father Gaius says soothingly. “You are not the first trainee, or priest to fall in love.”
“But, but, how can I go through with my ordination when this has happened?” Merlin asks desperately.
“Perhaps you are not meant to.”
“But it’s my vocation!”
“How do you know? Was this vocation not chosen for you by Bishop Kilgarragh?”
“Well, yes… but what about the exorcism?”
“It was a miracle yes, but not a definite sign. You already have a deep connection to God; perhaps priesthood is not needed to strengthen that.”
“But why would I end up going through all these years of training for nothing?”
“Really? They were for nothing? Merlin, if you hadn’t had done all of this, would you have ever met Arthur?”
“…No…”
“Then it wasn’t for nothing. Perhaps your vocation is not to serve God through the priesthood, but to serve him by helping Arthur foster love and faith in God again.”
“God wants me to be in a relationship with Arthur?” Merlin asks doubtfully.
“Perhaps. As long as you have love and happiness, then God is happy.”
“…I don’t know, I need to go away for a while, maybe go back home,” Merlin tells him.
Merlin stands, and helps Father Gaius up.
“Thank you Father, I’m sorry to have let you down.”
“Nonsense my boy, you haven’t let me down at all. You’ve discovered and accepted who you are - I couldn’t be prouder.”
Merlin’s eyes water slightly, and he gives a short nod before going to pack. Once he’s done, he hugs Father Gaius goodbye, and slips off into the night.
*****
Arthur stares around him in shock and disbelief as he walks into his house: furniture is turned over, there are glasses and dishes smashed, pictures are torn, and Uther sits in the middle of it all, drinking whiskey straight from the bottle.
“Dad…what happened?” Arthur asks in a small, concerned voice.
Uther doesn’t move, except to take another drink, and then say hollowly, “Morgana is gone.”
“What? Why?” Arthur asks, walking over to his father and grabbing his shoulder.
“She…she has betrayed us.”
Uther sniffs, gulps down another mouthful, then another, and then says thickly, “it is the utmost betrayal, and deceit… for months she has deceived us, has been going to that… hell-hole, and now she joins it? How… how can she do that to me?” He whispers brokenly, and bursts into tears.
Arthur knows exactly what has happened, and while he worries for Morgana, secretly he is selfishly glad that he’s not alone in his misery tonight. Silently, he starts to clean the living room, while Uther cries and shakes the grief out of him.
“Of course I told him I became a Catholic,” Morgana tells him when he finds her at Gwen and Lance’s the next day. “I wasn’t going to lie anymore, not to him, not about myself.”
She looks like a total mess; her hair is limp, her skin blotchy and her eyes are red and puffy. Arthur settles on the couch beside her and pulls her into a hug. Morgana buries her face in his neck, sniffs loudly, and gives a soft sob.
“He called me a deceitful whore, and told me that he’d sooner gouge his eyes out than ever see me again, and then he threw a dish me.”
“And what did you say?”
“I told him he was a coward and a disgrace and if Ygraine could see him now she’d be ashamed of having ever loved him.”
Arthur flinches, and Morgana says, “Sorry, I was angry.”
“I know. So then what happened?”
“He called me every name under the sun, and then cursed my soul to damnation while he flung some more glasses and dishes around. Then he told me I had a minute to grab my things and leave, so I did.”
Arthur hugs her tightly and rubs her back. They sit in silence, before he suddenly blurts out, “He’s a mess.”
“Good.”
“I think he might hurt himself.”
“I hope he does.”
“Morgana…”
“Ugh, fine, just… look, watch out for him okay?” As much of an asshole as he is, I still care about him.”
“I know, and he cares about you too - he wouldn’t be in a such a state if he didn’t.”
“I find that difficult to believe, but it’s nice to think.”
Morgana settles fully against Arthur, and Arthur tries to think of a way to fix all this, while his heart continually aches for Merlin.
Two months pass, and while Arthur hasn’t had sight nor sound of Merlin, he still continues to look: at Mass, in Moira’s, around the town. He even tries to ring Merlin, but the line is dead. The ache remains as strong and constant as ever, but it must be ignored in favour of getting on with life. Uther is still a mess - if he’s not drunk and crying, he’s sleeping, or yelling in fits of hung-over madness. He only eats when Arthur forces him too, and rarely leaves his bedroom, let alone his house. Arthur’s forced to close the bookshop for two weeks, and only manages to reopen it when Gwen and Lance offer to help out. At this stage, Arthur’s starting college; he enjoys the course, but doesn’t make many friends as he must run home for work as soon as lectures are over. He doesn’t mind though, as the busier he is, the less time he has to dwell on his own grief. Morgana’s faring a little better - thanks to Gwen and Lance, she’s going to her night course and to mass, and has joined the church folk choir, but she refuses to go near the bookshop, and every time Arthur sees her, even when she’s smiling she looks inherently sad.
Eventually though, it gets to the point when Arthur can’t take the stress and loneliness his life has taken on, and he does the only thing he can think of.
“That’s it,” he says authoritatively, as Uther blinks at him confusedly in the early morning light, “I’ve put up with two months of your moping and I’m sick of it. Get up and get dressed, we’re going to see Morgana.”
“What? Where?” Uther asks, moving to get out of bed.
“At mass.”
Uther’s face twists up angrily, and he growls out, “Listen here boy, we are not-”
“No you listen,” Arthur interrupts stubbornly. “You’re supposed to be my father, but for the past two months, I’ve been cleaning up after you. Gwen and Lance are the only reason your bookshop is still running, and mass is the only thing that’s been keeping Morgana sane and happy!”
“But… you-”
“I have been going to mass for over a year now. And you know what? It’s helped me find peace and happiness for the first time since before mother died.”
Arthur’s startled to realise that there are tears running down his cheeks. He wipes his face roughly, while Uther stares at him astonished.
“God didn’t kill her Uther, he couldn’t control that. But he was there for us, in the people that helped us, and the strength we had. He comforted and carried us when he most needed him. We were wrong to turn our backs on him.”
“Arthur, please…”
“Save it,” Arthur snaps. “I’m going to mass, and I’m going to see Morgana. You can come if you want to.”
With that, Arthur walks out and into his room to get dressed. As he steps out the front door, Uther appears, dressed in a suit and looking nervous, but determined. They walk to the church, and enter just as the service is beginning. Arthur spots Morgana sitting with the choir at the side of the altar; she sees them, and looks shocked, but remains clam, and when communion service starts, she stands and sings a solo.
“Beautiful…” Arthur hears Uther murmurs, and he turn to see his father, tears streaming down his cheeks, watching Morgana in awe. “She’s an angel.”
After a service, Arthur waits outside with Uther, for Morgana to come out. She approaches them with trepidation, her expression mixed.
“Morgana… you were wonderful,” Uther says softly.
“Thank you,” Morgana replies stiffly.
“I… Morgana, I am so very truly sorry,” Uther blurts out, his eyes watering. “I was wrong. I regret all the things I said, and I miss you so much-”
Morgana pulls him into a hug, and pets his hair while whispering, “Shh shh, it’s okay, I’m sorry too. I love you Uther Pendragon, you silly, stubborn man.”
Uther wraps his arms around her, and replies, “I love you too.”
Arthur finally sees and accepts what’s probably always been between them, and feeling happy that his gamble paid off, walks off to give them privacy.
As he leaves the church grounds, he hears an oh-so-familiar and so very missed voice say, “Morgana’s a lovely singer, I had no idea.”
Arthur whips around, and gapes at Merlin who’s leaning against a wall, smiling nervously at him.
“Merlin,” is all that comes out of Arthur’s mouth before he takes two strides forward and pulls Merlin into a desperate, hungry kiss.
“You,” he says accusingly after he’s pulled back. “Where were… I’ve been looking, this whole time.”
All of the loneliness and heartache he’s been holding at bay hits him at once, and he crumples forward, his frame shaking with his sobs.
“Oh Arthur, Arthur,” Merlin says distressed, “I’m so sorry for leaving you like that, please, please don’t cry.”
He hugs Arthur close, and Arthur clings on, letting himself go, before the worst of it passes, and he feels calmer. Pulling himself together, he steps back and crosses his arms.
“Sorry,” he whispers.
“Don’t be,” Merlin replies. “Arthur… that night… I… I freaked out. I was so scared - I was supposed to be having my ordination the next day, and I’d just committed a sin, and a pretty big one too. I just… I felt lost, I didn’t know what to do, or think, and I just, I had to go. I’m so sorry Arthur, and I know you probably want nothing to do with me, but I have to tell you… Arthur I love you, more than faith or religion or the priesthood or, or-”
Arthur cuts him off with a kiss, and they lost themselves in it for a few moments.
“Promise me,” Arthur says breathlessly as he pulls back, “you’ll never leave me.”
“I promise,” Merlin vows solemnly.
“Good, because I’m never going to love anyone as much as I love you.”
Merlin beams and pulls Arthur into another, longer kiss.”
*****
Arthur and Merlin move into a flat together near the IT: Merlin gets a job in the physics lab in NUIG and starts checking out PhDs, and he and Arthur get to know each other all over again in all sorts of new and wonderful ways. There are times when Merlin goes through a fit of guilt over leaving the priesthood: at these times, Arthur knows best to leave him to pray and afterwards, brings him a cup of tea and hugs him until he feels better. Eventually, these times become fewer and farther in between, and Arthur’s filled with joy to see Merlin so relaxed and happy. They continue to discuss religion and go to mass, and make plans for Arthur to become a Catholic.
Uther and Morgana are doing much better: Uther goes to mass, and he and Morgana go for lunch on Sundays with Arthur, Merlin, Gwen and Lance. Morgana looks radiantly happy, and Uther looks and acts more open and relaxed then Arthur has ever seen before.
One Sunday, after getting back from lunch, Merlin takes Arthur’s hand and says, part nervously, part excitedly, “There’s something I want to show you.”
“Okay ,” Arthur says, curiosity washing over him.
Merlin leads him into the bedroom and sits him down on the bed, taking a seat opposite him. He takes Arthur’s hands, smiles at him and then closes his eyes. Almost instantly, the room is full of glowing white beings, and Arthur gapes in wonder at them.
“What are they?” he asks.
“Angels,” Merlin replies. “I’ve always been able to summon them. Only three other people know about this, but you’re the only one I’ve voluntarily told.”
He opens his eyes, and Arthur sucks in a breath at the sight of his pupils glowing a brilliant gold. At once, he feels the angels brushing against him, feels the love and warmth radiating off them and feels pure contentment.
“They’re beautiful,” he whispers. “Thank you for sharing this with me.”
Merlin smiles, the gold in his eyes fade and so too do the angels.
“I want you to know every part of me,” Merlin tells him. “Even the weird parts.”
Arthur kisses him softly, and says, “I love every bit of you, even the weird bits.”
Merlin laughs and pulls him down on top of him for more kissing, and the two men lose themselves in each other. And later on that night, Arthur watches Merlin sleep, a loving smile on his face. He feels hope swell in his chest and knows, no matter what, they can take on anything together.
THE END
(notes)