Which to bury, us or the hatchet (12/13)

Mar 28, 2015 15:36

I apologise for this chapter taking so long. I got caught up in my reversebang and this just kept sitting in my drafts. I think I've only got one more chapter for you guys after this, and I promise not to take as long with it as I did with this one. Thanks for sticking around and for reading. I hope you enjoy it.
As always thank you to the fantastic masja_17 for betaing this. I don't think I'd have even got around to finishing this chapter without you.

AO3 | Masterpost
Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 coming soon

January bleeds into February, and the weeks seem to pass like hours, hours filled with hockey and Jensen. There are phone calls from Megan and Josh, just to ask how he is or talk about their week. There’re stupid texts containing nothing but half-hearted insults and Jared gets lost in the affection of it all, in the familiarity of it all, in having his family back.
For the past few years of Jared's life he's learnt to enjoy the things he loves when he has them, he's learnt to value those moments because with everything he's been through he knows how easily it can all slip through your fingers and so that's what he does, enjoys it. Still, there’s this niggle of doubt in the back of his mind, you know the one, it whispers that things can’t be this great forever, that he can’t deserve all of this. He tries to push it down, tries to ignore it, but he can’t dismiss it completely.

Mid-February brings an invitation for Jeff’s wedding. It’s just sitting there in his mailbox, an innocent little letter, and then he opens the damn thing and it’s like a punch to the gut, the kind that sneak up on you when you’re least expecting it.

He’s had a lot of conversations in the past month with Jeff and not once has his brother asked whether he’s coming or not, Jensen hasn’t mentioned it since Jared had his little freak out over it either. He’d kind of just decided to not deal with it right now, to cross that bridge when it gets here. Staring at the manila envelope in his hands, Jared realises that that bridge is fast approaching. But not quite here yet, he reassures himself.

The whole thing has pretty much completely slipped his mind again, or maybe he's just trying really hard to not think about it, when Jensen sees the damn invitation sitting on the kitchen counter, no response yet made, and asks Jared about it. Jared just shrugs it off, says he isn't going.

"He obviously wants you there Jay." Jensen tries to convince him and Jared wishes he'd put the damn thing away, or in the bin, or some damn place where Jensen couldn't find it because this was exactly the conversation he’d been trying to avoid since it arrived.

"He probably just felt obligated." Jared shrugs. Please let this go Jared prays without much luck.

"He wants you there." Jensen repeats, muting the TV and Jared realises this has suddenly become a serious conversation, damn his tidying up skills or well, lack of them.

"He'll be the only one." The words leave his mouth before he really thinks about them, but once they're out there he realises that however petulant they may sound they're also the truth, or at least he feels they are.

"You know that isn’t true, and it doesn’t matter anyway because HE wants you there. Don't you wanna share this with him?"

Jared just stares over at Jensen, he hadn't really let himself think about it, in terms further than there's an invitation, but now he's thinking about Jeff and how he wants to keep working at being closer. And this is Jeff reaching out, right? It would only be fair for Jared to meet him halfway.

It's just, that that's really easier said than done. If it was just Jeff he could handle that, but this is his whole family, this is everyone that disowned him. Can he really step back into that world without breaking himself for good?

"Forget about everyone else that is going to be there Jay, and just think about you and him, I'm not saying you have to go, I just don't want you to miss out on this because you're afraid." Jensen's voice is gentle, almost soothing, as if he’s worried Jared might bolt any second. Jensen must know him pretty well. "And you wouldn't be alone you know. I could come or I'm sure Sandy would be there to back you up too."

There’s this weird lump in Jared’s throat that makes it difficult to get words out, so he just kind of nods back at Jensen. He’ll think about it. A little.

They drop the conversation for the next few days and even though he said he'd think about he really doesn't.


“I spoke to Kripke about taking a couple of days between games to visit home.” Jensen tells Jared one Sunday morning over breakfast. “You know, so I can see everyone for my birthday. It’s easier, and less hassle, for them and us, then them all descending on Boston.”

Jared doesn't look up from the paper he's currently reading just nods in Jensen's general direction, it'll be nice for him to visit his family Jared thinks. Things sound like they've been better between them recently but Jared knows there’s still some tension there, a lot of it on Jensen’s side. He knows Jensen won’t relax until he goes home and sees that they still love him and that nothing is going to change.

"I asked Kripke if you could take a few days too, in case, erm, you know, you could come with me."

Jared does look up now, suddenly Jensen is far more interesting than the sports section. A thrum of elation spreads through him followed by palpitating fear.

"I'm not sure, I mean - is that really a good idea, Jensen?" Jared can’t stop the way his voice shakes just a little, giving away his discomfort.

Jensen falls down onto the sofa next to him, shoulder, arm, leg pressed tight to Jared's side and it's strange how having that closeness puts him just a little more at ease.

"My mum, she's kinda been bugging me for a while about meeting you." Jensen says a little sheepishly, bumping his shoulder into Jared.

"Is going home with you really the best way though? I mean you haven't seen them for a while maybe it should you know, just be about you, and not us, when you see them." Jared's words are half meant, half 'oh-my-God-I-have-to-get-out-of-this-somehow' and when Jensen sighs,  Jared thinks he's maybe a little disappointed with the turn of the conversation which in turn makes Jared a little disappointed in himself.

"You don’t have to come, but you've got an invitation okay, and I'd - I’d like you to come. Okay."

"I - I'll think about it?"

And that becomes one more thing that Jared pushes to the back of his mind, telling himself he'll think about it all later.


His bubble, the one he’s been living in the past month, is serving him well, everything he doesn't want to think about, like Jeff's wedding and Jensen's parents, he places firmly outside of the bubble. It seems like an excellent damn plan. It is. It serves him well until the universe decides to throw him another damn curveball that doesn't just burst his bubble, it brings it crashing down around him.

Everything in his world comes to a standstill the moment Jared picks his paper up a few mornings later, because there on the front page is his face and Jensen's face and they're close, stupidly close, like Jared’s tongue is in Jensen’s mouth close. Jared thinks he might be having a heart attack.

Sitting heavily on the sofa he wonders how this happened. Which is stupid, he knows how this happened, he remembers the moment exactly. Jensen had been ridiculously sweet and taken him out to buy beds and treats and food for dogs and Jensen had just been there, grouchy and annoyed and so done with Jared having to go ‘in every damn store’. But he’d been there even grouchy and annoyed and Jared hadn’t been able resist.

But still he wonders why there had to be a damn photographer there and why it’s the better part of two months for the pictures to show up in the paper and dear god what the hell is Jensen going to say. That’s when Jared’s mind goes blank because... what the hell is Jensen going to say? And why did Jared have to decide that Jensen had just been so damn kissable at that moment.

"Morning." Voice gruff and deep from sleep Jensen shuffles out of the kitchen, a cup of coffee in his hand and Jared almost jumps a little from his seat at the sound of that still half asleep sexy drawl. He has a moment to wonder if he should hide the paper, before he thinks better of it, this isn't something he can really hide.

"You need to look at the paper." Is all Jared says, an edge of dread creeping into his voice. Raising a brow Jensen slumps into the seat next to him.

Jared holds his breath. Keeps holding it.

And then Jensen sees it.


Jared feels his heart drop.


It's pretty much free falling.

"How the hell did this happen?"

It's about to be shattered, he can tell.

Jared doesn’t say anything, unsure whether Jensen actually wanted an answer or not. He just sits there, watching, as Jensen gets up and begins to pace, muttering to himself words that Jared’s not sure he wants to hear. The coffee sits forgotten on the table between them. This is bad. This is really bad. Jared wants his bubble back.

It takes Jared a while to realise that Jensen isn't just talking to the room any more, but there are words, being directed, at him.

"Your phone's ringing Jay."

Numbly Jared picks up the thing, doesn't even glance at the ID before accepting the call.

"So when were you gonna let me know about this little development?" Jerry's voice, filled with humour, asks him.

"Huh?" Is all Jared's currently addled brain can manage, Jensen's still pacing in front of him, but he notices that he keeps glancing Jared's way, that's a good sign right?

"You and Jensen? Didn't think that was something I'd need to know about?" Jerry's voice might be light, might be easy, but Jared detects a hint of, maybe, hurt just below it.

Jared looks helplessly up at Jensen, but the guy seems to be pacing faster and mumbling harder now and Jared has no fucking clue how to reach him.

"I didn't... I... It just. I'm sorry?" Jared's not sure if he's saying that to Jerry or Jensen.

There's a pause.

"It's okay kid. I'm happy if you're happy, Lord knows you deserve to be." And Jared knows the words are sincere, though he doesn't really think the Lord comes into it all that much but he holds his tongue, it'd probably just come across petty for him to point that out right now.

Then Jensen's phone is ringing too and he's answering it and leaving the room and Jared hasn't got a clue what he should do.

Jerry talks to him for a while, about their options and how they should handle this, but Jared's mind is elsewhere, out on the porch with Jensen. He thinks some decisions are made, or Jerry has a plan on how to handle this or something but Jared really isn't getting any of it and he hangs up without a clue as to what they just decided.

He wants to call Sandy, or Megan or even Jeff, he wants to do anything that means he can keep sitting here on this sofa, anything that keeps him from having to walk out the door and face Jensen's reaction to all this, but he puts down his phone, stands up and heads out to face the music anyway, because it's better to get this over with as soon as possible.

He finds Jensen sitting on the porch swing, hand idly stroking through Sadie's fur, watching Harley chase dust motes through the garden. It could be any normal day, Jared thinks, apart from the fact that it's not.

He sits heavily next to Jensen, careful not to touch him, suddenly unsure whether that's okay anymore. Jared doesn't know what to say, so he doesn't say anything and the silence sits, stifling loud, between them.

"I'm sorry." Jared says when he can't take the quiet anymore and it's more of a plea than an apology. A plea of 'god please don't leave me over this'. Jensen turns to look at him, as if he's only just realised that Jared's there. There’s a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his lips, and that's just enough for a spark of hope to light up in the centre of Jared's chest.

"Fuck. Don't be." Jensen shifts so their arms are touching, lays a soothing hand on Jared's thigh as he lets out a deep breath. "You shouldn't feel sorry about kissing me."

Jared doesn't really know how to respond to that, just lets out a confused "Okay."

"Earlier? That was fucked up of me man. I didn't even ask if you were okay with this." Jensen drops his head to his hands before peering up at Jared through tense fingers. "Are you okay?"

And just like that Jared doesn't really feel like he's freefalling any more, it's like out of nowhere he got this parachute or safety net or some damn thing that seems to ease that knot of terror he'd been trying to pretend didn't exist.

"Yeah. I'm good Jen." Jared pauses afraid to ask the next question but knows, without a doubt, he has to, whatever the outcome. "Are you? Okay? Me, I'm not really the big gay surprise anymore you know, so I know that this isn't easy to do."

And he does, without a shadow of a doubt, he remembers the terror he'd felt about letting the world see him, truly see him.

Somehow it'd been easier to face the world as a facade of himself, the threat of rejection, not really a threat at all, because how can a world reject someone they don't know. The lies had grown from merely covering up his sexuality to covering up the core that was Jared and that was fine, for a while. Until the lies he'd needed to get by seemed to weigh on him and all he could do was get tangled up in who knew which ones and eventually he began to believe them himself. He'd gotten to the point where he wasn't sure where the lies ended and he began.

So he'd made the choice. He'd gotten Jerry to get him an interview and though he never told his manager what he was about to do, Jared reckons the old guy must've known something about it, because he'd come down himself to the interview, and that was something they didn't really do, and he'd pulled Jared aside just before it was all about to start and said four words. 'Be sure about this.' and even though he'd felt sick with nerves, was scared beyond belief he'd never been surer about getting it out there. He just doesn't know if Jensen feels the same.

"It's not that I didn't want to tell people, it's not that I'm ashamed of this, of who I am, at least not anymore. I just..." He lets out a sigh a frustration and Jared inches a little closer to Jensen, offering support. "I wanted to do this a certain way. And it sounds ridiculous even in my own head, to think that I could have control over this."

He looks directly at Jared then. "I wanted my family to meet you. I wanted to have that before I had to share this with the damn world."

Jared nearly laughs at that, because hardly the whole world follow Hockey, but he holds his tongue because he understands that it might not be the eyes of the whole world on them, but to Jensen it feels like it right now and suddenly Jared knows exactly what he needs to do.

"I'll come with you." He says in a rush, mind made up and desperate to get the words out. Jensen just gets this quizzical look on his face, the one that suggests that he thinks Jared's losing his mind, and Jared just shakes his head and tries to start again.

"Richardson. Your family. I'll come."

"You don't need to do that Jay."

"It's not - This isn't - I want to okay. Don't question this, just let me."




They sit in the quiet morning as rain falls around them, and really it isn’t quite warm enough to sit out here, but they do, breathing slow, as if everything might be okay, if they stay there, right there, nothing else exists.

"So, what are we gonna do about this Jen?" Jared asks, he’s starting to realise that living in a bubble doesn't work, because the real world is out there and it has a way of coming crashing in.

"That was Greg. Before." Jensen tells him and Jared recalls that Greg is Jensen's agent he thinks. "He says we should do an interview, get on top of all this, show we can be open about it and haven't got anything to hide."


She’s wearing this red power suit, legs crossed at the knee, a smile toying with her lips she looks between the two of them. Jared thinks she looks formidable.

"Let’s get down to business.” Genevieve rolls her shoulders, pen tapping at her page, tape recorder sitting between them. Jared has a moment to question his sanity for agree to come here. “So the meet-cute? Bruin's training camp?"

Jared glances over at Jensen, a wry smile on his lips, maybe they should have talked more about which stories they don’t mind being public knowledge. They don't exactly have the Hollywood meet-cute Genevieve is probably imagining. When Jensen catches his eye though, Jared just inclines his head giving Jensen the opening to take the question.

Jensen scratches the back of his head, a nervous habit that Jared finds adorable, and Jared watches him assess his choice of answers. "No, erm, we actually met at Vermont."

Genevieve looks between the two of them in clear question, perched on her chair, intrigue written all over her face. "Vermont?"

"Yeah it was one of my last games at college, Terriers vs Catamounts.” Jensen turns to Jared, a wistful look in his eye. “Damn that was a good game."

"Man was I pissed that we lost that game, you were so lucky." Jared’s annoyance with losing had been brutal but it had faded to a fleeting memory when the hottest guy he'd ever seen had hit on him. When he looks at Jensen he can still see that boy in the makings of the man he now knows.

"Sore loser." Jensen smirks, poking him in the ribs with his elbow.

"So you've been together since then?" Gen butts in, and for a moment Jared had let himself become comfortable.

"No." Jared tells her, bringing himself back to the present. "There was chemistry between us you know, but I guess the timing wasn't right and then I ended up here this year and Jensen was here and then it just kind of happened." He finishes with a shrug, shifts slightly resting his arm along the back of the sofa across Jensen’s shoulders.

"So, I gotta ask Jensen. You're gay?" The question is direct, and they should have realised that an interview with Genevieve Cortese would pull no punches.

Jared squeezes Jensen's shoulder, offering him his silent support, he knows how big of a leap it is to say the words out loud and know the world is going to hear them.

"I'm - " Jensen starts and Jared wills him to just do it, his hand unconsciously squeezing a little harder. "Yeah. Yes, I'm gay."

"When did you know you were gay?" She pushes on, true professional that she is, quickly hiding the surprise of Jensen’s honesty.

"I can’t be sure, I was young, I know that, but I can't give you an exact age or date, I didn't wake up one morning and think ‘oh I'm gay’, it just -" Jensen gestures with his hands obviously frustrated with trying to find the right words and Jared thinks that here, he might actually be able to help.

"It's like any coming of age, you know, it's like, this gradual awareness, maybe you think ‘oh that guy is hot’ and then it kind of builds from there until you realise what that awareness means."

"And what happened when you realised what that awareness means?"

Jared chuckles humourlessly before continuing. "Then I made a decision, whether to acknowledge it or not."

"And you did?" The question is direct, a little too direct for Jared’s taste.

"Mostly." And he knows that sounds as non-committal as he's trying to be.

Gen cocks her head on one side and regards him seriously, Jensen now apparently forgotten. "Why?"

Well there's the million dollar question Jared mulls it over. Why? Because he thought that it would be okay? Because he was too damn naive to realise that life doesn't work out that way. Because he truly believed that when people love you unconditionally that's what they actually mean.

But he doesn't say any of those things, instead he settles for: "I didn't want to hide, I wasn't out officially until last year. I eventually came to the decision that I wanted to be honest, I didn't want to make it into something to be ashamed of, because I spent a lot of years thinking there was something wrong with me, no matter the support I had, and I knew if I got to the NHL and it came out then and I lost it all it would just add to that shame. I think I just wanted all of me to make it here, not just the pieces people chose to see."

Gen's hand is moving furiously over the page balanced precariously on her knee and Jared hopes everything he's saying is the right thing. Apparently she's content with his answer because she turns to Jensen now and Jared feels himself brace for his boyfriend.

"And you Jensen? You chose to ignore it?" somehow the question seems like an accusation to Jared's ears and he feels himself bristle even before she's finished asking it. Jensen rests his hand on Jared's thigh a sign for Jared to back down. He turns to Jared.

"It's okay" and Jared barely hears it, the words are whispered so lightly but he can't help the sinking feeling in his stomach easing at those words.

"I didn't ignore it, I just - I didn't want to be defined by my sexuality and that would have happened, it will happen now." He looks back at Jared a small smile playing across his lips as if he knows something Jared doesn’t. "And I can't be sorry about that. Do I wish this could've all happened differently? Sure, I wanted to do this on my terms."

"So you weren't hiding Jared?" Jared feels himself bristle again at that but manages to hold himself in check, and give Jensen the chance to answer.

"No, Jay hasn't even met my parents yet, it was going to become public eventually but I just wanted to have that before I shared him with the world."

Gen seems to visibly soften at that admission, before she puts her journalist head back on.

"So you've met Jared's parents?"

Jared feels himself visibly blanch and Gen eyes him curiously from the corner of her eye whilst her attention is still fixed on Jensen, she looks like she's got a bone between her teeth.

"No." Jensen says a little too forcefully. "But I've met his brother and sister, they're pretty cool."

"So your families knew you were gay then?" Gen directs at them.

"Yeah mine have since I was about seventeen." And Jared tries to push the uncomfortable thought of the last time he saw his parents from his mind.

Gen levels her gaze at Jensen waiting for his answer.

"Erm... No not until Jared I guess." He looks a little sheepish and Jared knows they both agreed to this interview but he doubts either of them really thought about just how invasive the whole thing was going to be. He's feeling like he's laid bare right now and that's just him, he has no clue as to how Jensen is feeling.

"How did your family deal with this Jensen, coming out as gay and having a boyfriend?"

"I have to say that I've got the greatest family. I didn't - their support was never really in question, it was more that, once they knew, I wouldn't be able to hide anymore and I was, I couldn't accept this about myself so I chose not to deal with it or acknowledge it, I think I naively thought it would just go away, I didn't want to be judged for something I know now I have no control over." Jensen pauses eyes sliding over Jared. "But then Jared happened and everything just kind of imploded on me."

"Sorry." Jared hears himself saying but there's a massive grin on his face as he utters the words.

"No you’re not." Jensen says with humour and Jared can't stop the laughter bubbling up out of him at that.

"I guess not." And before he can stop himself he's leaning forward and pressing his mouth to Jensen's, instinct and impulse overriding any brain function. That is until he notices the tell-tale flash of light that signals the photographer got that, it isn't lost on him how that's how this whole thing started.

He pulls back, glancing at Jensen to gauge his reaction but he's got those crinkles in the corners of his eyes as his smile hits Jared full force and Jared feels his face light up in reply.

Jared thinks Gen might be trying to hold back a squeal, which she succeeds in doing before gushing. "You two are pretty damn cute you know."

Jensen rolls his eyes a groan working from his throat. "Please do not use my name or his name and cute together in your article. I've got a reputation to maintain you know."

And Jared sputters laughter at that.

"So what do you two cuties get up to off the ice?" Gen asks.

"We do pretty normal stuff you know. Jared just, well a while back, he moved into a new place so me and the guys have been helping him get it all in order. Which reminds me I never did get a thank you for hauling your huge ass furniture around."

"I let you walk my dogs didn't I?"

"Excuse me, dog walking is something else you owe me a thank you for."

"Well I guess that would only apply if you actually walked them instead of getting walked by them."

And through the banter neither of them see the smile that breaks across Genevieve’s lips.


A bed, that’s all that Jared wants, he’d even compromise and have one where his legs have to dangle off the end, he just really needs to lie down and sleep for eternity.

"Nervous?" Jensen asks as they grab their bags off the conveyor belt. Well at least there's that saving grace, that he'll be decently clothed for the visit with Jensen’s family, he wouldn't have put it past whoever's in charge of his luck to lose his luggage.

"God yes." Jared admits wearily. "And I'm pretty certain I could sleep for about a week."

Jensen just chuckles. "That's what a quick trip will do for you. Come on man, I think Mack's picking us up, I'll distract her so you can nap on the way."

"My hero."  Jared mocks as he playfully pushes Jensen to the side.

"Don't forget it." Jensen drawls back.

Jensen, it turns out, is no one's hero, because he lets Mack bombard Jared with a million questions on the, what seems to be never ending, drive.

She wants to know everything about Jared, her words running away about the game and Jared really isn’t in the mood to analyse the match, he just wants to fall face first into oblivion. But this is Jensen’s sister so he sucks it up for his boyfriend because he really wants to make the right impression.

Scrunched up in the back seat, he silently curses Jensen, surely they make cars for regularly sized people. He shifts and tries to lie his legs across the seat, but only succeeds in jarring his knee. He hopes Jensen realises he’s going to pay dearly for this.

“And that goal, that was an awesome shot, pretty much like your season to be honest.”

Jensen scoffs from the front seat at Mack’s words. “Since when did you become such a hockey fan?”

Jared glances forward, catches Mack’s eye in the rear view mirror and a blush works over her cheeks before she shifts her eyes deliberately back to the road.

“Ah it’s like that is it?” Jensen says in delight when Mack remains silent.

“Like what?” Jared’s got a clear idea he’s missng something, but his sleep-deprived brain isn’t able to connect any of the dots, it isn’t even really able to see the dots.

“Like -” Jensen’s air rushes out in an oomph as Mack’s fist connects with Jensen’s stomach. “- Nothing.” Jensen manages to finish.

Jared’s not quite sure what just happened, but he’s grateful for the silence the rest of the drive.

"I hate you." Jared grumbles when he finally gets the chance to unfold his legs from the smallest death trap, that Mack apparently calls a car.

"Sure you do." Jensen has the nerve to smirk. Smug bastard, Jared thinks, but his chance of calling him on it is lost as Jensen's mom swings the front door wide, rushing out to pull Jensen close.

“Let me get a look at you.” She fusses, releasing him and stepping back.

Jensen clears his throat and looks over at Jared.

“Mom.” He starts, takes a deep breath and continues. “This is Jared.”

Before Jared really realises what’s happening he’s got arms wrapped around him and warmth spreading through his chest at the sheer delight she’s showing at him being here.

“It’s lovely to meet you Jared.” She tells him when she finally unwinds her arms. “We’re just all so happy you could come.”

It’s a whirlwind of welcome as he’s ushered into the house. He watches Jensen’s face light up as his brother, Jared’s assuming, grabs him in a fierce hug. It reminds him of Jeff and the easy affection they used to share, he hopes someday they can get that back.

“Mr Ackles.” Jared holds out his hand as he greets the man standing next to him.

“Alan, son.” Jensen’s father says grasping the easy hand with none of the formality Jared was expecting.

“Long trip.” Alan muses.

“Yeah, it really was.” And Jared feels it getting longer by the minute. He just needs a minute to breathe. Turning slightly he looks for Jensen, notices him grappling with Josh.

“We caught the match.” Alan tells him, ignoring his sons wrestling. “Tough game.”

Familiar territory, Jared thinks, he can talk hockey with anyone, and feels himself relax just slightly.

“Yeah, I thought they had us beat, three minutes left on the clock and Jensen makes that shot. Man, me, the guys, we were so fired up after that and I guess it was just a race against the clock to win then.”

“Twenty seconds to spare.” Alan laughs.

“We might’ve cut it a little close.” Jensen cuts in and Jared laughs as he remembers the ecstasy of seeing that final shot hit the back of the net, hearing the resounding sound of the buzzer and then the agonising wait of watching the clock count down those last twenty seconds.

Jensen’s arm is slung low around Jared’s waist and Jared can’t help but want to squirm out of the embrace.

“Enough shop talk.” Donna tells them. “I saved you both some dinner if you’re hungry.”

Jensen catches his mother in a spin and presses his lips to her cheek. “I could kiss you!”

“You just did.” Mack deadpans, then scuttles out of reach with a squeal as Jensen reaches for her.

It seems to Jared that it’s never quiet at the Ackles.


“They’re nice.” Jared tells Jensen later, when it’s just the two of them in Jensen’s room.

“More like mental.” Jensen jokes, throwing his t-shirt in the direction of his holdall.

“I mean it Jensen.” Jensen turns to look at Jared. “They’re nice.”

Jensen mumbles something under his breath as he strips his trousers and Jared notices the hint of embarrassment in Jensen’s movements.

“Still.” Jared starts, hoping to ease whatever tension he just created. “I can’t deny the crazy.”

Which earns a laugh from his boyfriend before he finds himself tackled to the bed.


Bright lights surround him, he can’t make anything out through the blur of colour. He smells the sweetness of sugar, can taste it on his tongue. The colours begin to shift, swirl together as a shape forms.

Jensen stands in front of him and Jared can’t help himself he needs to reach out and touch. His hand isn’t quite steady as his fingers brush over skin, so soft, like touching air and Jared wonders how his hand doesn’t just go straight through him.

The gentle brush of fingertips soon isn’t enough, there’s this urge in Jared to taste, drawing Jensen closer he teases their mouths into a kiss, but it isn’t the flavour that Jared’s come to know as Jensen that fills his senses, it’s the sweetness of candyfloss that floods his mouth.

Jared’s body feels on fire, there’s an aching need in his stomach that just seems to keep on building. This strange hunger, it’s like he can’t get enough, like it can’t be sated and each taste of Jensen he gets just pushes it higher. Taking a step back to catch his breath Jensen cocks his head to the side in that way of his.

“Go on.” He smirks. “Take a bite.”

"Fuck!" Jared's voice sounds strangled as he jerks awake, to find himself face down on the bed, and jeez is that... "Fucking hell."

Jensen's tongue pushes against sensitive nerves and Jared can't help the mewl that falls from his lips.

"Shhh." He hears Jensen whisper, which acts like a cold bucket of water as his senses clear and suddenly he realises where he is. He twists beneath Jensen trying to escape.

"Jensen?" Jared asks hesitantly and Jensen finally stops working him over, head lifting slightly. "We can't." Jared tells him meeting Jensen’s eyes over his shoulder, the need he sees burning there mirrors the twisting want in the pit of his stomach.

"Course we can."

"But -" Jensen doesn't give him a chance to finish that thought, just dives back in, before easing back.

"You're the only guy to ever bitch about having my tongue up their ass. So quit bitching or… I'll make you."

Jared thinks that was supposed to come off aloof, maybe a little domineering, but underneath the bravado he senses a hint of desperation and Jared doesn't understand what that is, but he realises Jensen needs this right now.

Jensen works him slowly to a fever pitch, with tongue and teeth and breathless words and Jared has to hold back every cry that tries to fall from his lips. He buries his teeth in a pillow and wonders how Jensen’s still taking him to places he didn’t realise existed.

His dick is trapped between sweaty skin and the rough cotton of the sheets, untouched and begging for a little attention. Jared’s hips shift forward hoping for a little friction, just to ease the worst of the tension, but Jensen’s vice-like grip holds him steady.

“Please.” He murmurs desperately into the pillow, not sure if he’s asking for more or for it all to stop.

Jensen’s body shifts over him, skin settling over skin and Jared breathes out a sigh of relief, finally. But Jensen just presses his nose against Jared’s neck, breath whistling out to draw goose bumps to the sensitive skin there.

He’s beyond desperate now, can’t help the pleas that are falling from his lips, any thought of being quiet lost. Jensen’s so close to him, dick hard, nestled in the crack of his ass and Jared shifts underneath Jensen trying to push him past the point of control.

It only earns Jared a chuckle, the vibration sending a new thrill over Jared’s already over sensitised skin.

And then Jensen’s pushing steadily inside. “Oh god.” Jared sobs at the sensation of being overly full, his dick still begging to be touched.

Jensen levers himself up, arms holding Jared’s above his head, and then he begins to move, deep long thrusts of his hips. There’re no words now, just Jared’s broken sobs and the sound of skin meeting skin.

He’s been close to the edge since he woke to Jensen’s talented tongue and it only takes the twist of Jensen’s hips, finding that sweet spot, to have him falling completely over the edge. Jensen lasts a little longer, the grunts of his pleasure a sweet melody to Jared’s ears before he feels Jensen join him in oblivion.

Jared struggles to catch his breath, to find some kind of equilibrium as Jensen rolls off to lie next to him. Shifting, he takes in Jensen, hair sticking up at odd angles, smirk teasing the corner of his mouth.

"Hmmm." Jared says, satisfaction evident in his tone. "Was dreaming."

Jensen quirks an eye, Jared takes it as an invitation to continue.

"You were made of candyfloss." Jared lazily smooths his palm across Jensen's chest, eyes closing, too tired to even lift his hand. "Tasted good."

Jared thinks Jensen's laughing and he finds some shred of energy to open his eyes just as Jensen's lips brush against his. "Man you're strange." Jensen tells him but Jared can only hear affection in his tone and slipping back into his own strange dream world he hums his agreement.


He’s exhausted when he wakes at some ungodly hour, the consequence of long ass flights and late night sex sessions, but Jared can’t grumble. He knows himself well enough to know there’ll be no more sleeping and moving from the bed, careful not to wake Jensen, he pads into the shower.

Lost in the bliss of water beating against his skin, he doesn’t hear the door open. Jensen's fingers wrap around him, giving a gentle squeeze and Jared has to hold back a yelp at the unexpected contact. His own hand wraps around Jensen's to stop the movement before he loses all coherency.

"Jen." Jared starts the word coming out a little strangled. "We can't."

In response Jensen just squeezes him a little tighter and Jared closes his eyes, head back resting on Jensen’s shoulder, he's getting really close to forgetting why this is a bad idea.

"Your parents Jen, they could hear." He knows he hadn't really protested last night, but somehow in his sleepy haze and the darkness he'd forgotten about everything else that wasn't Jensen. But now, in the bright light of day, water sprinkling down on them and the soft hum of a woman singing floating through from below them, Jared suddenly realises where they are and what they're doing.

"So let them hear." Jensen says and Jared sputters on words in his mouth as Jensen pulls his hand from Jared's grip and starts to work him again. It's getting difficult to think up a reason against this when it feels so damn good.

"Fuck Jay." Jensen's breath fans out against Jared's neck as he sucks at the sensitive skin just below his jaw line. "Want everything. Wanna do everything with you."

Jensen's hand is damn persuasive as it twists up and down his cock, working Jared harder and faster.

"Should just tie you down and make you take it."

Jared's hips jerk forward, dick sinking further into Jensen's grasp.

"Nggr." Jared grits out, a groan rumbling from his chest and his muscles tense as he tries to hold himself back from the edge. He's never really thought about being tied down, not something that interested him but the way those words fall from Jensen's mouth like that just sends his body crazy.

Jensen chuckles against his skin, still working on that pressure point behind his ear. "Hmmm like the sound of that huh?"

Jared can't engage his brain to form words or at least to form words that aren’t an incoherent string of ramblings.

"Fuck." Jensen groans, pressing his body closer against Jared's, grinding himself against Jared’s ass, all the while his fingers still working Jared hard and fast.

"You make me crazy. Always wanna take my time, but you're just too tempting. But damn, if I had you spread underneath me like that, helpless, I'd do it. Take you to the edge and back until you couldn't even beg for it anymore."

Jared turns to face Jensen, his hands grip the short strands of Jensen's hair, pulls his face up as he crashes his lips against Jensen, whose hand works relentlessly not a hitch to his rhythm. It's a rough and hard tangle of teeth and tongue, quick licks and little nips and Jared feels like he's going crazy, pleasure curling tight inside him until he's sure it can't curl any tighter. But Jensen just keeps working him over, hand sliding up and down, twisting at the wrist as he moves over the head of Jared's dick, gripping just a little harder at the base on the down stroke as if he knows just how close Jared is to losing it.

And then Jared almost does as Jensen pushes back, sinks to his knees and takes him into the slick heat of his mouth in one smooth movement.

The sound of water beating down around them, Jared's heaving breath and strangled moans and the movement of slick flesh surrounds them. Jared's hands find Jensen's hair again gripping tight as Jensen takes him deeper and Jared's hips thrust forward the head of his dick pushing against the back of Jensen's throat. He tries to pull back, maybe mumble out an apology but Jensen just holds his hips hard against the cool tiles, swallows and Jared feels himself sink deeper into Jensen's mouth. It's too much, the sensation of Jensen's throat closing around the head of his dick as he swallows and Jared doesn't even have a chance to get a warning out before his orgasm rips from him. Muscles tensing, hands taking on a death grip, and hips pushing harder against Jensen's hold. And Jensen groans around Jared as the first spurt of come spills from him, making Jared squirm in Jensen's grasp as the vibrations send his pleasure higher.

Jensen stays with him, works him through the aftershocks and just keeps on going until Jared eases him back his over worked dick too sensitive for more.

He feels languid, like his body's floating as Jensen stands up and kisses him, his taste lingering on the other man's tongue and if Jared wasn't so fucked out that would turn him on.

It takes a while for him to fight through the haze of damn that was good and work a hand between their bodies, but when he finds Jensen, he's soft and Jared pulls back from their kiss to look at his boyfriend an eyebrow raised in question.

"Did you?"

Jensen just shrugs his shoulders, a slight blush working at his cheeks as a sly smile works across his face and he presses his lips against Jared's once more. "It was hot okay."

And that blows Jared's mind. Jensen just got off on nothing more than his mouth around Jared's dick and Jared's moans of pleasure. and that's crazy, it makes Jared feel crazy that he caused that, it also makes him feel a little powerful too.

Emotion bubbles in his chest and his mind is screaming at him to just say it to just tell Jensen he loves him, that he wants every day to be just like this, that he wants the two of them together. But they're both naked standing under the now cold spray of the shower and this isn't, this can't be the right time for this, or so he tells himself. And so he doesn't say any of those things just kisses Jensen back, pouring himself into it, hoping that that says it all.


“You boys sleep well?” Donna asks, when they’re finally presentable enough to go down for breakfast. There’s a hint of knowledge to Donna’s words and Jensen has to hold back a chuckle at the blush that spreads across Jared’s cheek. He wonders which part of the night, or morning just flashed through Jared’s mind.

Unfazed Donna pats Jared on the cheek, before scolding Jensen. “Your boy needs more sleep.” She turns back to the batch of pancakes she’s whipping up and Jensen knows his grinning like a fool.

“I think she loves you more than me now.” Jensen jokes and watches Jared’s blush deepen further.

"God, I love you." Jensen doesn't think as the words spill from his lips but once they're out he can't be sorry for them, because they're the truth and sure maybe telling your boyfriend you love him, in your childhood kitchen while your mother looks on, isn't the most romantic way of saying it but it feels real.

It feels like an age before Jared lifts his head to look at him and Jensen's half terrified of what he might find there, but there's a smile, one of those big, dimple in full force, I can't help but smile back smiles on Jared's face and Jensen's heart stops it's thundering as relief courses through him because Jared might not be saying it back, but all he sees is love in those eyes and that face as it stares at him in wonder. Jensen takes a step forward, presses his mouth against Jared's because he just needs one taste.

When he pulls back, eyes still locked with Jared's he tells him. "I mean it, I love you."

Jensen sees Jared swallow, the tell-tale wetness in his eyes and Jensen knows Jared's close to tears, so he doesn't push it any further just turns to his mother, whose eyes are also far from dry. "Need help with breakfast Mom?" He asks and she clears her throat, steps forward to press a kiss to his cheek, then steps towards to Jared, who's still rooted to the spot and presses a kiss to his cheek too. It warms Jensen's heart to see her accepting the man he loves like that.

"Welcome to the family Jared." She says, then turns back to Jensen. "You could start on the toast if you like Jensen."

And just like that the moment passes and things descend back into the normal chaos that is breakfast at the Ackles.

“Why don’t you come out front Jensen? I’ve got something you can look at for me.” Donna says after breakfast and Jensen finds himself outside on the porch with his mother before he can protest.

“What are we doing out here mom?” Jensen asks. “I know you well enough to know there’s nothing that needs fixing out here, or that you’d trust me with fixing it anyway, so don’t try to pull that one on me.”

Donna chuckles, and gestures for him to sit on the steps with her. She takes a few moments before she speaks.

“I think we should talk about things, Jensen.”

The words hit him like a fist to the chest and he feels himself stiffen, he thought things were okay, he thought she’d accepted Jared, accepted him.

"You know this was never about us not loving you or accepting you, you know that right?" She asks him and Jensen just shrugs because really he's not sure what he thinks anymore.

She reaches out a hand, presses gentle fingers against the sharp jut of his jaw and turns him slowly to face her.

"It's never going to be easy." She tells him. "That was the first thing I thought. And then, I'd always imagined you'd get married, to a nice girl and bring her home for holidays, and you'd give me grandkids, little mini-you's and I'd get to see them grow up and suddenly this whole life that I'd dreamt up for you, that I’d been imagining it was just gone Jensen, and my heart broke a little for it.”

She pauses, looks out over the front garden before turning back to him, a bittersweet smile on her lips.

“But none of that matters now, because you've got this life, my baby, you've got Jared and I see how happy he makes you and I realise nothing I'd dreamt up for you would've made you happy like he does, and that's all I want. I just want you to be happy."

There are tears staining her cheeks and Jensen brushes one away follows it with a delicate kiss, and something that had been revolting in his stomach settles with her honesty as he finally understands. They accept him, and they love him, and it's all going to be okay.

"I'm happy Ma. So damn happy. I love him."


It takes two hours of panic rising in his chest before Jared can break away from the group and escape to the safety of the bathroom. Sitting on the edge of the bath he digs his phone from his pocket and dials Sandy’s number.

“He loves me.” Jared hears himself say in a hushed whisper, a voice so full of desperation and fear it can’t possibly be his.

“Jared?” Comes groggily back down the line.

“Damnit Sandy, he loves me.” And now it’s full on panic.

“Why are you whispering?” Sandy asks him.


“Are you hiding?” She accuses.

“No.” Jared says indignantly.

“'Course you are.” He imagines her pushing her hair from her face and rolling her eyes at him. “So, he loves you and you’re freaking out.”

“Of course I am!” Who wouldn’t be Jared thinks. “He just… said it. In front of his mom!”

“Aww.” She coos.

“Don’t aww. This is not an aww moment.” Jared feels his frustration rising along with that panic.

“Of course it is, you’ve got a guy who loves you and is sharing you with his family.” She sighs. “The only crisis is the one you’re making, which is bullshit. So I’m going to tell you to let yourself be happy and then I’m going to hang up on you.”

To which the line goes dead and Jared is left sitting on the edge of the tub, none the wiser.

AO3 | Masterpost
Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 coming soon

hockey au, myfic, j2, which to bury us or the hatchet, fic:fanfics, spn rpf

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