Which to bury, us or the hatchet (11/13)
Hi all! Sorry it's been so long I went on holiday and got sucked into reading too much fanfic to have time to write, but here we are, better late than never right?
Gotta thank the wonderful masja_17 as always, she really keeps my inspiration for this fic going.
Hope you enjoy this section and hopefully where it's headed.
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12
"I wanna do something for Jay." Jensen says when he finally manages to corner Sandy alone.
Sandy had arrived on Jared's doorstep two days ago, telling Jared she needed her fix of him, what with them not seeing each other over Christmas and New Year and Jensen had tried his best to make himself scarce at first, thinking Jared would maybe want to spend some time with his best friend, but that hadn't been the case at all. When Jensen had mumbled something about giving the two of them some space, Jared had just told him not to be stupid, and when Jensen had protested further, told Jared he was gonna go, well Jared just hadn't let him leave and Jensen guesses it's not so bad really, he's kind of gotten to liking Sandy. Not that he didn't like her before. He always thought she was nice but he just thought that her and Jared's relationship was a little weird, but the more he gets to know Jared the more he's beginning to understand, she's not really just a friend to Jared, she's his family.
"I've got Meg's number. I was thinking of calling her. We've got this game in Texas in a few weeks and I was thinking if she wanted to I could get her to meet up with Jay."
He may or may not have inconspicuously borrowed Jared's phone in order to get that number, but no one needs to know that. The thing is, Jensen thinks this could be a good thing, judging from what Jared said about phoning home over Christmas it sounds like Megan misses her brother and Jensen would love to be able to give Jared a little bit of his family back. And this way he can act as a go between so that if it doesn't go too well, well Jared never has to know.
Sandy turns to look at him fully, glancing at the kitchen door and Jensen figures she's checking that Jared is totally out of ear shot, this isn't a conversation either of them really want him to overhear. "I'm not so sure that's a good idea Jensen." Her voice is full of apprehension and Jensen gets that, there's a lot of history that he doesn't really know, and the things that he does know about, he wasn't really around to be a part of, and really that's gotta be a whole lot worse than just hearing about it and it was pretty bad just listening to Jared tell his story.
"Did he tell you he phoned home at Christmas?" Jensen asks, for some reason he gets the feeling Jared hasn't.
"What? No! What happened. I swear if his mother said any more vile words to him, I'm gonna go down there and give her a piece of my mind." Sandy's hands are balled into fists at her sides and Jensen can see the frustration just boiling off of her . He admires that loyalty and that fierce need to protect the person you love, because, well, he feels exactly the same. Maybe it's something about being in love or maybe it's just Jared that brings out this sudden desire Jensen has to shield Jared from all that can hurt him in the world. Jensen thinks the guy's had enough hurt to last a lifetime, and he sees how it weighs on him from time to time, how his insecurities come to the surface and his confidence takes a nose dive and Jensen hates that he can feel so down on himself sometimes.
"No. Meg answered. He didn't say anything but she said his name, guessed it might be him. Said she missed him and that it was okay. I think she wants to see him, but I just wanna know if you think he'd wanna see her." Jensen wonders if maybe he shouldn't be telling Sandy this, if this crosses some kind of boyfriend code, but he really needs her take on things, he thinks he's right about this, it feels good but he just needs to hear that from her too. He wasn't around for that period of Jared's life, and she was, she knows his family.
"Of course he would. I know his biggest regret is that he missed out on so much of her life." Sandy pauses for a minute, Jensen can see the wheels turning before she sighs and continues. "Okay Jensen. Call her and ask her but tell her she's only to come if she's gonna accept Jared for him." Sandy fixes him with a serious stare and Jensen wonders just how many brain cells she thinks he has.
"Well, duh." Jensen responds, rolling his eyes at the thought that Sandy thinks he would ever set Jared up to get hurt like that, to be honest the thought that she does, kind of grates on his nerves a little, but he pushes it down, because Sandy has been, in her own eyes, Jared's protector these last few years and just because he's around now doesn't mean it's a role she's gonna let go.
"You're good for him." Sandy's voice breaks through any annoyance he has left and her words push Jensen just over into uncomfortable conversation territory.
Jensen can't help but mumble. "Erm... Thanks?"
His obvious awkwardness with the situation doesn't seem to deter her, she just keeps right on going.
"I haven't heard him this happy since he left home. It's like a piece of him came back to life." She clears her throat of what Jensen suspects are tears. "Well, let's just forget I said that." She laughs. "God, he makes me such a sap."
"I know that feeling." Jensen says before he can hold it back and as soon as he has he feels blood rushing to his cheeks, why did he think talking to Sandy would be a good idea? "And on that slightly embarrassing confession I'm off."
"Let me know how it goes." She asks as he pushes his way hastily through the kitchen door.
"Sure." He shouts back over his shoulder, happy to have made his getaway.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Finding a spare minute to actually call Megan after his talk with Sandy and deciding that it is the right thing to do turns out to be much harder than he anticipated. It's suddenly apparent to Jensen just how much time he and Jared have started to spend with each other since they became official, hell, even before that they spent most nights together, the only exceptions being those before a game.
But just when he's about to have to think up an excuse to get some time alone, maybe get Chris to say he needs his help or something, a stroke of good fortune comes his way.
"You have to come Jensen." Jared pleads, and Jensen does not care how damn endearing those puppy dog eyes are, he is in no way being talked into this.
"No way." Jensen repeats for about the fourth time in the past 10 minutes. "I'm immune to that look when it comes to shopping."
Jared slides his body close, moulds it around Jensen's side and Jensen almost curses, because that is definitely not playing fair.
"Not even if I..." Jared runs his teeth along the edge of Jensen's ear, and he can't help but shiver in response to the contact and the way Jared's voice suddenly gets low and heavy. "Promise to use my tongue on you later, you know, that way you really love."
Jensen shifts to look Jared in the eyes unsure he's heard properly. They do dirty talk, boy do they do dirty talk, but usually it's Jensen initiating and getting Jared just too damn turned on to have any inhibitions with it anymore, but this, this is new and no one can really blame him for going from slightly interested, it's a permanent state around Jared okay, to fully hard at the sound of those words falling from Jared's mouth. Jensen realises the look he must be currently wearing is somewhere around confusion, at least that's how he guesses Jared takes it when the words just keep spilling from his lips, a blush beginning to work over his face as he manages to stutter them out.
"When I - I - fuck you open with it."
Jensen can't be held accountable for the way his hips push up against Jared's thigh in response to that, a groan of approval working its way out of his throat, because fuck that's hot, hearing Jared like that is unbelievably hot.
"Jesus." Jensen stutters out, his hips moving unconsciously against Jared again, searching for any kind of friction to help relieve the tension that's coiling steadily inside of him.
"Hmm... Want that Jen?" Jared asks, voice full of innocence and Jensen's fairly certain Jared's going to be the death of him. He just grinds himself against Jared once more, voice shaky from the way his breath's hitching as he answers.
"What do you think?" Eyebrow raised as he looks up at Jared, but the action, and his words, hold only a fraction of the bravado he was working for.
"So, mall?" Jared asks again taking a step back from Jensen and Jensen only just manages to hold back a whine at the lack of contact. It takes Jensen a minute to clear his head of anything that isn't Jared and naked and bed now to realise that he totally just got played.
"That's a no just on principle, Jesus, Jay." Jensen shifts uncomfortably against the wall, trying to adjust his dick inconspicuously to ease the increasing pressure. To his surprise Jared just chuckles as he watches him, a twinkle in his eye that Jensen's not sure he's ever seen before. "I've created a monster." Jensen groans, head leaning back.
When he looks back at Jared, he's got his pout face on again and Jensen doesn't know whether to laugh, cry or just face defeat already.
"You are not getting me to go to the mall." Jensen tells him again, voice full of determination no matter how close he feels to breaking.
"But I have to go." Jared says, as if that explains it all.
"That's because she's your friend." Jensen laughs and Jared continues to pout until Sandy comes to drag him away at which point Jensen's beyond thankful, because if Jared had offered him one more sexual favour, she'd have walked in to Jensen taking them, and though Jared and Sandy are close, Jensen's pretty sure they aren't that close. He's not too sure what got in to Jared, but he knows he's gonna have to find out, because it had been hot as hell.
Once he's got himself under some kind of control, he waits just long enough that he knows they're actually gone, Jared has this habit of forgetting things and having to make a trip back to get it. Jensen does not want to be caught on the phone to Jared's sister if he walks in, somehow he doesn't think it'll work out too well.
His hand shakes slightly as he finds Megan's number and presses dial, his heartbeat starts a pounding rhythm and Jensen doesn't realise he's been holding his breath the whole time the phone's been ringing until someone picks up and the breath whooshes from his lungs in relief.
"Hello. " A female voice comes down the line.
"Is that - are you, erm... Megan? Megan Padalecki?" Jensen remembers when he could be smooth. Some time before Jared he was able to do things like this without palpitating fear.
"Yeah, that's me."
"Oh okay." Really Jensen? He's sure he rang to ask something not just babble incoherently down the line.
He hears a chuckle back at him though and figures it could be going worse. "Who is this? Dave, did Claire put you up to calling me? You didn't need to bother." Well that makes little sense to Jensen. He is not Dave.
"No. I'm Jensen, erm, Ackles. I'm a fri-" He doesn't get any further as a squeal threatens to deafen him.
"The Jensen Ackles?" She almost screams and Jensen has to pull back the phone from his ear in order to save his eardrum, the squealing however doesn't last too long before she suddenly and rather seriously asks. "Are you friends with Jare?"
"Yeah that's why I'm calling." Jensen says finally thinking he's going to get a word in edge-ways, turns out being talkative isn't a Jared thing but more of a Padalecki trait.
"Oh my god, is he okay?" She cuts in, voice full of concern, and Jensen thinks that's a good sign.
"Yeah, yeah Jay-Jared's fine. I was just wondering if, well we're down in Dallas in two weeks got a game, and I know Jared would love to see you."
"Yes!" She says before he can finish. "Does he know you called me?" Seems the girl's pretty astute.
"No, maybe you shouldn't tell him. Just say you wanted to see him and knew he'd be playing that game. I've got a couple of tickets you could have."
"Okay." Jensen hears hesitation in her voice, and thinks she's about to ask why she should keep talking to Jensen a secret but the next words that she says aren't anywhere near what he expects. "Maybe I can talk Jeff into driving me, he could come too?"
"Megan." Jensen's voice holds a warning as he says it, a tone he doesn't even realise he's using, he remembers the way Jared had described his brother and the way he'd expected him to get in touch, he'd heard in Jared's voice how much it cut him that his brother, the guy who'd always had his back, had let him down just like his parents. He has to battle back a little anger at Jeff before he can speak. "I only want people around Jay that are going to accept him."
He doesn't notice how Jared's nickname falls into the sentence, just notices the silence down the line before Megan responds.
"Jeff, he regrets how things went down, me too, it's just, we never called him and you get to a point where you can't call because too much time has gone by and so we waited for him to reach out to us, but he, he never, and then we see this life he has, the life he always dreamt of and I guess that just made it harder for Jeff." She pauses. "It's not a good enough excuse, I know. But I know he and me too, we want to put things right or as right as they can be again. We just want our brother back."
"Okay." Jensen replies. "I shouldn't say this, but you and Jeff were always part of his dream life you know."
"If he can forgive us, we wanna be there for him now, as much as he'll let us."
"Right, I'll erm... I'll leave the tickets at the gate under your name, there'll be two so if Jeff does decide to come or you wanna bring someone else that's cool. If you hang around afterwards, down by the players entrance then we'll come find you. I'm not gonna tell him though Megan, I'm not sure he'd be there if he knew, and I can't take the chance of telling him and then you not showing either. So I'm not sure how he's going to react, but just, don't take it personally you know. If you're not coming, if something changes and you can't be there just call me okay, so I know."
Jensen rattles off his number, his nerves tied in knots again, because really, is this the right way to do this, should he be doing it at all? Too late now.
"I'll be there Jensen." Megan says, voice full of conviction and Jensen only hopes that holds out for the next few weeks.
"See you then." Jensen cuts the call, hands still a little unsteady and just sits there on Jared's couch a pit of guilt starting to work its way through his body, this is the right thing to do, it is, so why does he feel so shifty right now.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Something is different, Jared can't quite put his finger on it, but he gets the feeling that there's something going on. Maybe he's being paranoid but it feels like every time he walks into a room with Jensen and Sandy, they immediately stop talking or suddenly switch to really strange topics and when he questions it, they just get this strange look in their eyes and say it's nothing. But no matter how many times they say it's nothing, Jared can't help but feel that it's got something to do with him and he's not sure whether to be worried about it or not.
As the week progresses training kicks up a gear as they make the last push to qualify for the play-offs and Sandy eventually goes home and the whole thing is pushed to the back of his mind. He's not sure what it was all about but it seems as though it's all worked out now.
He trains hard, he plays harder and when he comes home, he has Jensen beside him. On their down time, which are few and far between these days, they take the dogs to the park and Jared has the time of his life chasing them around, letting them chase him around, all whilst Jensen sits watching them, an amused smile playing at his lips. They spend their days together and their nights and little things of Jensen's, like clothes, shoes, his razor seem to work their way into his house and Jared couldn't be happier.
The guys rip into them about their couple status and how lame they are now that they're practically married. Coach Kripke sits them down for a talk, when the news finally reaches him, on how they don't really have a rule against players dating and he isn't against it unless their games start to suffer, but they don't, if anything they've been playing better and better and Jared loves it when Kripke tells them they're pretty damn good for each other, he also adds that he'll bench them if he ever hears that repeated.
Jared's never felt so accepted in all his life, never felt quite so at peace with himself and so it stands to reason that he's waiting for the other shoe to drop, because really life can't turn out this good. His life can't turn out this good.
Mid-January brings a match in Dallas and also a downer to Jared's mood. He tells himself it's just because of how the game went with the Dallas team last time they played and that it'll probably be worse on their turf, no matter how much he knows the guys have got his back. Even as he lets himself believe that, he knows it's no where near the truth.
He's just never good with stepping back into Texas, there hasn't been that much need for it over the years, a game here and there, but this, this is big, it's never been quite this high profile before and he knows that there's pretty much no way his parents won't know he's there. That thought for some reason settles uncomfortably inside him.
He doesn't expect them to show up, hell would probably freeze over before they acknowledged that Jared was their son, but still them not being there to see him is going to hurt even more than the things they've done and the names they've called him over the years.
You see, it's different than all those other times, this time he steps out on his home turf as a member of the NHL, and like it had weighed on him that first time he'd stepped out as a Boston Bruin, this is just as heavy to carry, because he's going home with his dream realised and that dream was never just his, it had always been theirs too, right up until the day he'd stopped being their son. No matter how many years or moments like this pass, he thinks each one that they're not a part of will continue to tear at him just as hard, because this was their choice.
He tries to shake off his mournful mood and Jensen helps, he really does. He knows he'd have made it without him, he has Sandy when he needs that extra pair of hands to keep standing, to keep wading through, but it's nice to have a couple more there to catch him, however they made it here doesn't matter to Jared anymore, they made it and that's all that really matters now.
The atmosphere is tense when Jared takes a seat next to Jensen in the Stars' locker room, he's never felt anything like this from the guys before, it's not just a feeling of being pumped for a match or determined, there's something more just below the surface, if Jared didn't know any better he'd say they're out for blood. But Jared, he just feels numb.
The pre-game rituals, conversations, talks pass by without him really noticing and Jensen squeezes his leg, something like understanding in his eyes as they stand to head out into the rink. It feels surreal, Jared realises, as he takes his first steps out for the warm-up, as the crowd go wild for the two teams, it feels completely surreal, because he'd once been part of the sea of faces that are staring back at him, his father had held him on his shoulders and told him one day that'll be you son. He looks away from the faces, tries to drown out the screams and tries to focus. He stares down at his hockey stick, on the puck, and he wills everything away but that.
Mike bumps shoulders with him as they take their places for the face-off, a look of encouragement there. Jensen easily wins the face-off, passing to Jared who skates forward, sees Chris open and passes. Chris takes his shot, the puck rebounding off the goal-tender and heading back down the other end of the ice. They scramble backwards in defence and Mike checks the attacker stealing the puck and sending it sailing back Jared's way. He makes two skates forward before he finds himself slammed heavily into the boards. His shoulder sings in pain as he hears the whistle blown over a collective groan and cheers from the fans.
Metcalf the defenceman responsible for the twinge of pain in Jared's shoulder, sends him a calculating grin before heading for his time-out. They're not even two minutes in and Jared wonders if he can really take a full game of this shit.
But still, their ignorance is his advantage, they have the power play after all. Jensen signals a play to him and Chris as they wait for the face-off. Jensen wins the puck easily again, dodges a few defencemen as Chris makes his way forward and Jared finds himself some space. Jensen fakes a pass in Chris' direction, switching to Jared at the last minute, who pushes the puck easily past the distracted goal-tender. Take that Metcalf, Jared thinks as he skates past the time-out box, a cocky smile on Jared's lips this time and Metcalf looks back with the promise of violence in his eyes and Jared thinks bring it. He's just the right side of angry and frustrated to welcome a little challenge.
Jensen shoots him wary looks as the rivalry between him and Metcalf picks up a few notches as the seconds pass by.
"Should just go back to where you came from queer." Metcalf says as he pushes past Jared, it's the first time Metcalf's actually said something and Jared sees Jensen eyeing him still, ready to step in if he needs it.
"I'm from Texas, you dumb fuck." Jared laughs as he skates past the guy and in the guy's defence he looks genuinely shocked to learn that Jared comes from Texas, as if gays couldn't possibly be born in Texas and something about that kind of idiocracy really tickles something in Jared.
It isn't until the third period that things really begin to get out of hand though.
"Fuck you." Jared spits as Metcalf hurls another insult his way.
"Your boyfriend let you kiss him with that dirty mouth fag."Metcalf asks squaring up to Jared, who's still stood with his back to the boards.
"Yeah I do actually." Jensen says pushing the guy back a few paces. The guy looks at Jensen in disgust and Jared can feel it all start to slide out of control. The guy's bigger than Jensen and he's stepping forward, back into Jensen's space and Jared's only thought is how bad this is going to get.
"Got a problem?" Chris asks from Jared's left as he skates to a stop besides Jensen ready to back them up if they need it and Jared glances around to see Mike and Tom making their way over too and though they shouldn't have to, though Jared feels embarrassed that it came to this he can't help the warmth that spreads through his chest at their response. It doesn't matter what he's lost anymore because right here, in this team he's gained more than he could have ever dreamt of.
Metcalf deflates a little at the show of solidarity from the team. But Jared still hears "Fucking faggots" as he walks away. Jared spends the last five minutes on the bench and that pisses him off more than the rest of it, he just wants to play hockey, he just wants to be out there playing and he doesn't understand why his god-damn sexuality has to influence any of that. He knows he should have ignored Metcalf, any other game, any other place, he would have done, but there's just something about being in Texas that makes him so damn defensive.
It's relief he feels when the buzzer signals the end of play and the fact that they win makes Jared's day just a little better. It's a silent screw you to Metcalf, but what he really feels is screw all of you who couldn't accept me for me.
He showers tiredly, the fight in him gone now the game's over and he feels a little ashamed of himself, that he could let himself be played that way, be so riled up that way, he hasn't let that happen for years. The guys give him a wide berth, all of them sensing his mood and his need to just be in his head right now. He dresses quietly and just sits there when he's done. It's all become so fucked up he thinks, he's become so fucked up.
The noise in the locker room dissipates as players begin to leave heading for the bus and the hotel, but Jared just can't find the strength to move.
"You ready?" Jensen asks when he sits down next to Jared, and Jared looks up at him, dazed.
"Yeah." He sighs wearily, notices the way Jensen frowns at his reaction, but doesn't have the energy to call him on it. Grabbing his hold all, Jensen pushes the door open for him and Jared takes a step out before freezing. He's not sure what he's seeing, but he thinks he might be hallucinating the two people stood waiting for him. He looks over at Jensen, who smiles encouragingly at him and then back to the people he's beginning to realise might not actually be hallucinations.
He can't move, he can't make his legs work and he should, he should be walking over to the two figures in front of him, or well, maybe away from them, but he should be taking some action not just standing there with his heart pounding in his chest and his mind working a mile a minute to try to understand what's happening here.
And then he doesn't need to move anymore, because there's a set of arms wrapping around him and he's not even bothered about the fact that he can't breathe, it's been too long, too damn long since he's been embraced by family like this. All those walls he's so carefully constructed to hold all this back, all the pain and regret and the thought that maybe he'd never get to see them again, just come tumbling down and it hurts, god it hurts so damn bad but at the same time he's happy, he's beyond happy because his brother, his sister they came here, to see him and he's not really sure how he's supposed to handle it.
There are tears on the skin of his cheeks and he's not sure who they belong to, might even be his own and he doesn't care he's just holding on for dear life.
He looks down at the bundle squeezing him so tight, as though she's afraid he's just gonna disappear again and he feels himself holding her just a little tighter for exactly the same reason. He strokes a hand soothingly down her back before lifting his head and meeting the eyes of his brother. The face is different, older, thinner, but those eyes couldn't be anyone's but Jeff's and Jared's not sure what he's supposed to do, whether he should be taking a step forward to his brother or reaching out for him, but in the end it doesn't matter because Jeff takes that step, closing the distance between them, and lifts his arm, hand resting on the back of Jared's head and he leans his forehead against his brother's. They don't speak, no one says anything, but Jared understands so completely and he doesn't care about the past, he doesn't care how many nights he spent praying for them to come back to him, because they're here now and none of that matters any more, just this and them.
He's not sure how long they stand there, Jared's tears spilling over his face but a gentle touch to his shoulder, a touch that could only be Jensen, breaks him from the trance like state he'd been in.
"Why don't we go get some dinner." Jensen gestures in the direction of the car lot and it's only then that Jared notices the people that have turned to watch the commotion and he suddenly feels silly for breaking down in public like that.
He tries to disentangle himself from his brother and sister and whilst his brother takes a step back Megan grabs his hand tightly and doesn't let go. She looks up at him with the same wonder he used to see in her eyes as a child.
"You got so tall." She says and Jared brushes the stray tears from her face a smile playing over his lips.
"You too, Meggie." And at the mention of her nickname Megan's face lights up, and he sees those dimples that Jensen always tease him about and he understands why Jensen can't say no to him, because he feels exactly the same looking down on her like this, he feels like he would give her the world if he could.
Clearing his throat Jared dries the tears from his face with the sleeve of his shirt before lifting his eyes to Jeff. "Can you -- " His throat catches and he tries again. "You got time for dinner?"
His brother nods at him and Jared feels relief flood his body. Jeff hasn't said a word yet, but Jared thinks that maybe, just maybe it's going to be okay.
~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jared's not really sure how they get to the restaurant, he's not really sure what restaurant they're even at, but before long he finds himself sitting in a booth across from Meg and Jeff with Jensen at his side.
He remembers Jensen suggesting he take off and grabbing Jensen's hand like a lifeline, unable to let go, because he really couldn't do this on his own. Maybe it's selfish to make Jensen do this, get through what is more than likely going to be the most awkward dinner of his life but he really can't be alone for this right now.
He sits looking at his siblings and searches for something, anything to say. It never used to be like this, conversation used to flow easily between them, but now, now he realises that he doesn't even know them anymore, they're strangers, Megan for goodness sake, looks like a completely different person and Jared has no idea how to bridge the gap from who they were to who they are. He never thought three years could drive them apart this far.
It's Jensen that speaks first, breaking the uneasy silence and Jared's once again thankful to have him by his side.
"So, Jared told me you were studying to be a doctor?" Jensen asks Jeff and Jared watches Jeff's eyes widen.
"He did?" Jeff pauses and Jared feels the awkwardness rise between them all again and he wonders if this was really such a good idea. "I erm, I got my Doctorate in the summer."
Jared smile breaks out across his face as he looks at his brother. "Congrats man. I can't believe you did it."
"Yeah, you're looking at Doctor Jeff Padalecki." Megan pipes in as she pushes her shoulder against her eldest brother. "Soon to be married Doctor Jeff Padalecki."
"What?" Jared asks, there's elation bubbling inside Jared, because his brother, he's getting married, but then it twists into something hard and cold inside of him. He missed this, he missed his own brother getting engaged, he's going to miss his own brother getting married. And suddenly it all becomes just a little too much.
"Order for me." He tells Jensen as he pushes out of the booth and heads for the men's room. He just needs a minute, he tells himself, just needs a minute to get his head around all of this, around the fact that they're here, that this is happening and that he's missed so much.
Jared stares at his face in the mirror and is so damn confused about the guy staring back at him. He had everything together, he was doing fine, he was making it, and then they have to come back and show him how not-together he is. He splashes water on his face and tries to battle back the swirl of emotions raging inside him. At the sound of the door opening he lifts his head expecting to see Jensen in the doorway, but it isn't green eyes staring back at him, it's his own.
Jared shifts uncomfortably and waits for the inevitable, waits to be cast aside again.
"I'm sorry." Those are maybe the last words he ever expected to hear from his brother and he frowns as he notices just how uncomfortable Jeff looks, maybe more than himself. "They told me you took off, that it was your choice, and I was away, I was studying and I didn't think to question them, I was so caught up in my own damn life that I didn't think to check on you. I didn't come home till the summer that year, I had too many excuses, this internship to do, this paper to write, but in truth I just didn't want to and then I came home and you still weren't there and it just didn't make sense to me. "
Jeff pushes a hand through his hair as he begins to pace in front of Jared.
"They wouldn't speak about it, they wouldn't talk about it but I got it out of Megan, eventually, and I was so pissed at them. We had this fight, I couldn't understand how they could do that to you, their son and I left. Megan told me you'd left for Boston and I should've called then, I should've tracked you down, but I guess I was too damn ashamed of myself, for not seeing it, for not being there for you."
Jared's cheeks are wet again, he doesn't want to cry in front of his brother, he doesn't want to be weak, to be broken, but he can't help it.
"I thought - " He chokes on the words as Jeff grips his arms. "I waited -- but you didn't -- and I thought you felt the same, as them."
Jared looks up into Jeff's eyes and he sees the realisation dawn in his brother, feels himself pulled in tight against his brother's chest, it aches so deeply inside, but at the same time it feels like something in Jared is breaking free.
"Fuck, Jared, no." Jeff tells him. "I was a coward, I kept telling myself I could call, but the longer I left it and the more I saw you living the life you'd wanted, it just got harder to do."
"I just wanted you and Meg and Mom and Dad." Jared sniffs, the admission tearing him apart. "I just wanted to come home."
The grip Jeff has on Jared tightens and Jared hears him curse again. "Well you've got me Kiddo, you've got me and Meg now and we ain't letting you go."
Things are somewhat easier when they both sit back at the table, as if the elephant in the room has finally been addressed and they don't need to tip toe around it anymore.
"Got you the biggest damn burger they had on the menu." Jensen tells him as he slides back into his seat. "Okay?"
And Jared knows that Jensen's not just asking about the burger, he's asking about whatever just went down and Jared knows that if he wanted to get up and leave right this second Jensen wouldn't hesitate to make it happen. But really even though things are still pretty damn screwed up, and he has no idea how this is all gonna turn out, he wants to see this through.
"You know me so well." Jared moves slightly closer to Jensen in the booth, closer than is really acceptable for just friends, but they aren't just friends and Jensen doesn't seem to mind, just slides his arm around Jared's shoulders.
He looks over at Megan, whose eyes are about to pop out of her head the way they widen and she looks between the two of them and then blushes before lowering her head.
"So wedding bells, eh?" Jared asks, deciding to let whatever Meg's bugged out about go.
"Yeah, asked before Christmas. We're planning for June, me and Steph. So much to do, it's a little crazy to be honest."
"I'll bet." Jensen says and Jared raises an eyebrow in question at him, what does Jensen know about marriage.
"Josh, my brother, took the plunge a couple of years back and somehow I got roped into helping with the planning. I feel your pain." Jensen jokes.
The food arrives and Jared's thankful for the fact that Jensen knows exactly what he likes. The conversation remains steady, they talk about Jared and college and Boston, they talk about Meg and high school and if she's thinking of college, they talk about Jeff and the practice he's started at and the house he's doing up for him and Steph, and it's easy again, it's nice and it's simple and it feels right to sit here next to Jensen talking to his brother and sister.
The meal ends far sooner than any of them would like and Jared sees regret in Jeff's eyes when he turns to Megan and says, "Guess I better be getting you home squirt."
Megan looks upset at the prospect of leaving so soon and Jared envelops her in a full body hug when they get up from the table. "You can call me any time you know." Jared tells her as she clings to him. "Come visit sometime maybe too."
"Yeah. I'd -- I'd love that." She sniffles and Jared can't help but flick her on the nose like he used to when they were kids, she doesn't even bat his hand away just looks up at him in awe. "I can't believe I can tell people my brother is a hot-shot NHL player." She jokes as she takes a step back.
Jeff's next, he pulls Jared tight into a hug which surprises him because one hug from Jeff was great, two in the space of a few hours is damn near miracle. "Proud'a you, baby bro."
Jared's heart swells until he thinks it's going to burst and he can tell he's smiling goofily over at his brother but he just doesn't care, he's waited so damn long to hear those words. "You too, you'll have to bring Steph up to Boston to visit soon, we can sit on the porch, still got that damn old ratty guitar of yours."
"Yeah?" Jeff asks as he lets go of Jared and Jared just nods.
It hurts as Jared watches them walk away, but he feels good about it, because it isn't forever this time, he knows that.
"Okay Jay?" Jensen asks from his side.
"Yeah, I think I am." And he truly means it. "Need a god-damn drink though."
It isn't till after a few beers that the whole day begins to click in his mind and those conversations that Jensen and Sandy had been having suddenly fall into place.
"Did you do this Jen?" Jared asks.
"I er-" Jensen looks down at his beer bottle, worrying the label with his fingers and Jared finds it beyond endearing how uncomfortable Jensen is right now. He could play this, he knows, he could make Jensen stew for a bit but he really hasn't got that kind of malice in him, instead he leans forward and presses his lips firmly against Jensen's.
"Thank you." He says when they break apart.
"It was -- you know, nothing." Jared watches the way Jensen tries to play it off but something this big, something this life changing, there's no way he's letting Jensen get off the hook that easily. He just takes Jensen's mouth with his, to stop the flow of whatever idiocy is about to come spilling out.
"Thank you." Jared repeats. "So do you think we can blackmail Mike out of the room tonight."
Jensen laughs. "I may have already made a deal with Chris."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"So it turns out that I'm an idiot."
Jared chuckles at his brothers greeting down the phone, continues to chop vegetables as he tucks the phone into the crook of his neck. Jensen's out with Chris today, said Chris had been chirping on about how he doesn't get any Jensen time these days and thought he'd better appease him. Jared knows Chris would bite his own arm off before admit something like that to anyone but Jensen and Jared finds it kind of endearing that they have that kind of friendship. Still, he can't wait for Jensen to come home.
He's gotten to thinking of his place as more like theirs, what with the dogs, they seem to spend more time here than they do at Jensen's, and they rarely stay at their own places alone, so Jared finds that not having Jensen around, makes him sort of miss him, in that kind of way where you don't realise how much you like having someone around until suddenly they're not there. And that's how he finds himself with a knife in his hand and an array of food in front of him, because he needs something to do to stop himself freaking out about just how close the two of them are getting, but mainly because he wants Jensen to have something nice to come home to, like a home-cooked meal, hopefully one that isn't overly burnt.
"Hey Jeff." Jared acknowledges. "Tell me something I don't already know."
"Hey!" Jeff responds indignantly but Jared can still hear the humour in his tone.
"What did you do to earn someone calling you out on being an idiot this time?" Jared teases and he realises this is easy, talking to his brother on the phone, almost as if the years of silence that stretch between them don't exist at all. Which Jared's grateful for, that and the easy way Jeff seems to be working his way back into his life. He still has doubts, like a few seconds earlier when he'd seen Jeff's name on his caller ID and he almost hadn't answered for fear that it would be awkward, but those doubts are slowly becoming less, and Jared's almost hopeful that sometime soon they might not exist at all.
"I didn't invite you to the wedding."
Jared's slightly distracted by his current food preparations that he can't really be blamed for his response.
"What wedding?"
"Erm... My wedding , dumb ass." That however does get his full response and Jared puts down the knife he's currently using before he loses one of his fingers, he doesn't however get around to forming a reply before Jeff carries on talking. "I kinda, I meant to ask, if you wanted to be one of the groomsmen. I'd been thinking about it, before we came to the game, about getting in touch with you. I want you to be a part of this Jared, and you could bring Jensen you know."
Jared thinks he might be in shock, this is pretty much the last scenario he ever thought would happen and there are a million questions flying through his mind, like, what about Mom and Dad, or, are you out of your freaking mind but somehow none of those are what fall from his mouth when he actually manages to form words. "Jensen?" Is what he actually manages to stutter out and he becomes mildly aggravated when Jeff just chuckles down the line at him.
"Yes, Jensen, the guy you're currently seeing right?"
"I'm... We... How did..." Shit, shit, holy shit. Alarm bells start to go off in Jared's mind, ones that are saying hang up right this minute you don't want to see where this is heading.
"I got eyes don't I baby bro?" Jeff cuts in when Jared seems to be able to do nothing but stumble over a full sentence.
Jared just takes a deep breath, pushing down the fear that's curling inside his stomach. Jeff knows, and nothing's happened, the world has not ended, and really he'd told Jared he was okay with the gay thing, that that didn't change anything between them but Jared realises that up until this moment he hadn't really believed that at all.
"That obvious huh?" Jared manages to say his voice showing just a hint of the strain he's currently feeling and Jeff just hums an agreement.
"So wedding? You, you think you could make it."
He could make it, sure he could, the question is can he survive it.
"I... erm... Do you really think that's the best idea Jeff?"
"Don't do that. I want you there Jared, so just, just don't say no right now, talk to Jensen and then let me know. Yeah?"
"Yeah okay."
And just like that the conversation is over and Jared's left staring down at the food he was preparing without any real understanding over what he's supposed to be doing.
He's still standing there, worrying, whilst trying not to worry, which is making go out of his goddamn mind when Jensen walks in the door, who takes one look at him and then has him promptly sat on the sofa telling him to breathe damnit.
At some point, when his lungs actually start functioning again, Jared comes back to himself.
"I can't go." Is the first thing he says to Jensen, who's still sat at his side on the sofa a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"Okay. Go where Jay?" If Jared wasn't freaking out right now he might be pissed that Jensen's talking to him so gently as if one word out of place might shatter him and really maybe that isn't so far from the truth.
"Jeff called."
"And?" Jensen prompts when Jared just sits there staring at his hands.
"He invited me, no, us to the wedding."
And then Jensen starts doing these lazy circles with his fingers over the skin just below the sleeve of Jared's t-shirt and Jared focuses on that, tries to ground himself in something real, something familiar when everything seems to be breaking around him. Jensen doesn't speak just offers him the comfort of having him close and Jared finds himself able to continue.
"He knows about us, I didn't tell him, he just knew. And he invited us, together, and he wants me to be part of the wedding party and I don't know what to do."
Jensen's hand has moved to the sensitive skin of his neck, and the movement of those fingers over his nerves is drawing out the tension he's been feeling since that conversation.
"What did you say?" Huh? What had he said, nothing right?
"He didn't really give me a chance to, he just said to not say no right away and to talk to you about it."
There's a pause, Jensen's fingers hesitating for just a moment before they continue the same rhythm, and it's as if Jensen's taking the time to choose the right words.
"So maybe you should not say no right away and take a little time to decide how you really feel about it." Jared's come to realise that Jensen's pretty damn good in a crisis. Jared's crisis' anyway.
"Yeah." Jared looks fully at Jensen. "Yeah." He says with a little more conviction. "I'm sorry." He adds as an afterthought for the food still half prepared in the kitchen.
"Hey, it's okay, this is what I'm here for." And Jensen presses a light kiss to the corner of his mouth, another over the fullest part of his lips, tongue snaking out in invitation but Jared pushes back slightly breaking their mouths apart.
"Not for that." Jared explains a slight blush working its way over his skin. "Dinner, I was gonna make dinner."
Jensen just chuckles as he leans in to bring their lips together once more and when his tongue pushes insistently against the seam of Jared's lips there's no hesitation this time and he forgets about dinner for the second time that night.
Jared's always thought that Jensen's kisses are the best damn thing, like, if he could bottle the feeling he gets from the way Jensen's lips press just the right edge of roughly against his, then he'd be a pretty rich guy, because it's a heady feeling that Jared's come to crave. It always starts off slow like this, as if Jensen's afraid to spook Jared, or break him and Jared isn't sure which of those are the least offensive to him, but it only ever takes a flick of Jensen's tongue, a nip of teeth, or a hand pulling Jared incessantly closer to break that softness, that need to hold something back, and then he's assaulted with full-on Jensen. Jensen tastes of beer and M&M's and Jared finds himself licking a little urgently into Jensen's mouth to get himself more of a taste, knowing that it'll never quite be enough.
Jared's the first to initiate the shift from a not-so-innocent make out session into something a little more x-rated as he lifts Jensen fully from the sofa until he's straddling Jared's legs. Never breaking the kiss he jostles the two of them until he feels Jensen hard and heavy against him.
"Shouldn't get me so hot." Jensen says when he pulls back to press kisses along Jared's jaw, teeth biting into skin, bordering on painful but only sending Jared's arousal higher. "The way you man-handle me like that."
There are no more words as Jensen grinds against Jared just heavy breathing and drawn out moans, but Jared wants more, he wants skin, needs to feel skin but they're both still fully dressed and grinding on the sofa through their clothes like teenagers.
His fingers fumble with Jensen's buckle as Jensen's hand slides beneath the hem of his t-shirt, works over the expanse of his chest until he finds Jared's nipple and pinches it agonisingly tight between his fingers. Jared hears himself keen in response his own fingers becoming more insistent in their attempts to get at Jensen.
He's not sure how he manages it but somehow he gets Jensen's trousers unfastened, pushed down roughly below his ass along with his boxers and he finally, finally takes gets his hands on skin.
"Fuck." Jensen curses as he ruts into Jared's grip and then it's Jensen's fingers who are grappling with the button of Jared's jeans as Jared continues to work Jensen over. Jared lifts his hips slightly when Jensen accomplishes his task, pushing jeans and boxers half down his legs and he moans in relief as his dick is freed from the increasingly tight confines of his trousers. Jensen doesn't waste any time in getting his hands on Jared, just grips him firmly at the base and Jared's own hand falters at the sensation.
"Should go upstairs Jay." Jensen tells him. "Wanna feel you. Wanna be in you."
Jared's hips jerk at the thought of that, of having Jensen opening him up, working steadily inside him. He loves it, the fullness of it and the way Jensen builds it, slow and steady until neither of them can hold out, but that, he realises, he doesn't want that right now. Here, on the sofa, this is wild and a little out of control and Jared doesn't want to lose the moment by stopping, he just wants to keep on feeling exactly like this.
"No." Is all he says and he doesn't realise quite how forcefully it must have come out until Jensen's hand pauses on his dick and Jensen gets this little frown between his eyes.
"Later." Is all Jared can manage to get out in way of explanation, pressing a kiss to Jensen's furrowed brow and taking Jensen's hand off his dick. "Like this." He breathes out as he moves Jensen until their hips align, until Jensen's cock slides right against his own and he takes them both in the palm of his own hand. A stuttered breath leaves Jensen's lips as he shifts forward, trying to get as close to Jared as possible. And any thoughts of moving other than to cause more friction fly out the window.
It's fast and at times uncoordinated but it's hot as hell to see Jensen writhing above him, to feel Jensen's cock sliding against his own, both of them encircled by Jared's tight grasp. This is exactly what Jared wanted. He likes it when Jensen's in control, god knows, he pretty much loves it, but sometimes, he enjoys, no, he gets off on the fact that if he wants to he can make Jensen fall to pieces like this.
"Fuck Jared. Fuck." Jensen rhythm falters and Jared knows Jensen's close, knows he's about to lose it but he's not quite there and he wants this to last, wants them to go over together, so he shifts his hand to grip just the base of Jensen's cock tightly, eliciting a high whine from the man above him.
"Not yet." Jared pants as he holds Jensen there on the precipice, doesn't let him fall over.
He doesn't move his hand, or lessen his grip until Jensen mutters gruffly. "Okay. Okay." And he knows Jensen's gotten himself a little more in control now.
When they move this time, Jared's hands are on Jensen's hips, Jensen's gripping his shoulders and it's just them, just the feel of them sliding against one another, bodies pressed closer almost plastered against one another and Jared has a moment to regret not taking the time to fully get rid of each other clothes but then Jensen moves with more determination, twists his hips as he grinds against Jared and Jared feels the tension in his gut building steadily higher, curling hot and tight. He takes Jensen's mouth with his own, needing to feel one more connection with his lover, before pulling back and rasping out. "Now. Shit. Now." And that's all it takes, three words, and a few stilted thrust of hips, to have both of them cursing and spilling between them. It's slick and messy and Jared thinks it's damn near perfection as the aftershocks continue to wrack their bodies.
"So bedroom?" Jensen asks when their breathing evens out and Jared, sat there with his pants pushed to his knees and his shirt rucked up his chest, just laughs, full and open.
Afterwards as they lay in the quiet darkness, Jared listening to the steady breathing that tells him Jensen's sleeping, his mind finally switches back on. Thoughts of Jeff and weddings and San Antonio plague his mind although with less agitation than earlier and Jared looks over at his sleeping boyfriend and feels a wave of something close to gratitude spread though him, he can't believe how he got so damn lucky. He knows what Jensen did earlier, how Jensen used affection and lust to offset his panic and maybe he should feel bitter, annoyed, or something else he isn't feeling right now, for being able to be manipulated that way, but he can't be, because Jensen gave him just what he needed, a little space from his own mind for a while. He shifts in the bed, pulls Jensen closer to him and before closing his eyes thinks, yeah pretty damn lucky.
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12
Gotta thank the wonderful masja_17 as always, she really keeps my inspiration for this fic going.
Hope you enjoy this section and hopefully where it's headed.
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12
"I wanna do something for Jay." Jensen says when he finally manages to corner Sandy alone.
Sandy had arrived on Jared's doorstep two days ago, telling Jared she needed her fix of him, what with them not seeing each other over Christmas and New Year and Jensen had tried his best to make himself scarce at first, thinking Jared would maybe want to spend some time with his best friend, but that hadn't been the case at all. When Jensen had mumbled something about giving the two of them some space, Jared had just told him not to be stupid, and when Jensen had protested further, told Jared he was gonna go, well Jared just hadn't let him leave and Jensen guesses it's not so bad really, he's kind of gotten to liking Sandy. Not that he didn't like her before. He always thought she was nice but he just thought that her and Jared's relationship was a little weird, but the more he gets to know Jared the more he's beginning to understand, she's not really just a friend to Jared, she's his family.
"I've got Meg's number. I was thinking of calling her. We've got this game in Texas in a few weeks and I was thinking if she wanted to I could get her to meet up with Jay."
He may or may not have inconspicuously borrowed Jared's phone in order to get that number, but no one needs to know that. The thing is, Jensen thinks this could be a good thing, judging from what Jared said about phoning home over Christmas it sounds like Megan misses her brother and Jensen would love to be able to give Jared a little bit of his family back. And this way he can act as a go between so that if it doesn't go too well, well Jared never has to know.
Sandy turns to look at him fully, glancing at the kitchen door and Jensen figures she's checking that Jared is totally out of ear shot, this isn't a conversation either of them really want him to overhear. "I'm not so sure that's a good idea Jensen." Her voice is full of apprehension and Jensen gets that, there's a lot of history that he doesn't really know, and the things that he does know about, he wasn't really around to be a part of, and really that's gotta be a whole lot worse than just hearing about it and it was pretty bad just listening to Jared tell his story.
"Did he tell you he phoned home at Christmas?" Jensen asks, for some reason he gets the feeling Jared hasn't.
"What? No! What happened. I swear if his mother said any more vile words to him, I'm gonna go down there and give her a piece of my mind." Sandy's hands are balled into fists at her sides and Jensen can see the frustration just boiling off of her . He admires that loyalty and that fierce need to protect the person you love, because, well, he feels exactly the same. Maybe it's something about being in love or maybe it's just Jared that brings out this sudden desire Jensen has to shield Jared from all that can hurt him in the world. Jensen thinks the guy's had enough hurt to last a lifetime, and he sees how it weighs on him from time to time, how his insecurities come to the surface and his confidence takes a nose dive and Jensen hates that he can feel so down on himself sometimes.
"No. Meg answered. He didn't say anything but she said his name, guessed it might be him. Said she missed him and that it was okay. I think she wants to see him, but I just wanna know if you think he'd wanna see her." Jensen wonders if maybe he shouldn't be telling Sandy this, if this crosses some kind of boyfriend code, but he really needs her take on things, he thinks he's right about this, it feels good but he just needs to hear that from her too. He wasn't around for that period of Jared's life, and she was, she knows his family.
"Of course he would. I know his biggest regret is that he missed out on so much of her life." Sandy pauses for a minute, Jensen can see the wheels turning before she sighs and continues. "Okay Jensen. Call her and ask her but tell her she's only to come if she's gonna accept Jared for him." Sandy fixes him with a serious stare and Jensen wonders just how many brain cells she thinks he has.
"Well, duh." Jensen responds, rolling his eyes at the thought that Sandy thinks he would ever set Jared up to get hurt like that, to be honest the thought that she does, kind of grates on his nerves a little, but he pushes it down, because Sandy has been, in her own eyes, Jared's protector these last few years and just because he's around now doesn't mean it's a role she's gonna let go.
"You're good for him." Sandy's voice breaks through any annoyance he has left and her words push Jensen just over into uncomfortable conversation territory.
Jensen can't help but mumble. "Erm... Thanks?"
His obvious awkwardness with the situation doesn't seem to deter her, she just keeps right on going.
"I haven't heard him this happy since he left home. It's like a piece of him came back to life." She clears her throat of what Jensen suspects are tears. "Well, let's just forget I said that." She laughs. "God, he makes me such a sap."
"I know that feeling." Jensen says before he can hold it back and as soon as he has he feels blood rushing to his cheeks, why did he think talking to Sandy would be a good idea? "And on that slightly embarrassing confession I'm off."
"Let me know how it goes." She asks as he pushes his way hastily through the kitchen door.
"Sure." He shouts back over his shoulder, happy to have made his getaway.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Finding a spare minute to actually call Megan after his talk with Sandy and deciding that it is the right thing to do turns out to be much harder than he anticipated. It's suddenly apparent to Jensen just how much time he and Jared have started to spend with each other since they became official, hell, even before that they spent most nights together, the only exceptions being those before a game.
But just when he's about to have to think up an excuse to get some time alone, maybe get Chris to say he needs his help or something, a stroke of good fortune comes his way.
"You have to come Jensen." Jared pleads, and Jensen does not care how damn endearing those puppy dog eyes are, he is in no way being talked into this.
"No way." Jensen repeats for about the fourth time in the past 10 minutes. "I'm immune to that look when it comes to shopping."
Jared slides his body close, moulds it around Jensen's side and Jensen almost curses, because that is definitely not playing fair.
"Not even if I..." Jared runs his teeth along the edge of Jensen's ear, and he can't help but shiver in response to the contact and the way Jared's voice suddenly gets low and heavy. "Promise to use my tongue on you later, you know, that way you really love."
Jensen shifts to look Jared in the eyes unsure he's heard properly. They do dirty talk, boy do they do dirty talk, but usually it's Jensen initiating and getting Jared just too damn turned on to have any inhibitions with it anymore, but this, this is new and no one can really blame him for going from slightly interested, it's a permanent state around Jared okay, to fully hard at the sound of those words falling from Jared's mouth. Jensen realises the look he must be currently wearing is somewhere around confusion, at least that's how he guesses Jared takes it when the words just keep spilling from his lips, a blush beginning to work over his face as he manages to stutter them out.
"When I - I - fuck you open with it."
Jensen can't be held accountable for the way his hips push up against Jared's thigh in response to that, a groan of approval working its way out of his throat, because fuck that's hot, hearing Jared like that is unbelievably hot.
"Jesus." Jensen stutters out, his hips moving unconsciously against Jared again, searching for any kind of friction to help relieve the tension that's coiling steadily inside of him.
"Hmm... Want that Jen?" Jared asks, voice full of innocence and Jensen's fairly certain Jared's going to be the death of him. He just grinds himself against Jared once more, voice shaky from the way his breath's hitching as he answers.
"What do you think?" Eyebrow raised as he looks up at Jared, but the action, and his words, hold only a fraction of the bravado he was working for.
"So, mall?" Jared asks again taking a step back from Jensen and Jensen only just manages to hold back a whine at the lack of contact. It takes Jensen a minute to clear his head of anything that isn't Jared and naked and bed now to realise that he totally just got played.
"That's a no just on principle, Jesus, Jay." Jensen shifts uncomfortably against the wall, trying to adjust his dick inconspicuously to ease the increasing pressure. To his surprise Jared just chuckles as he watches him, a twinkle in his eye that Jensen's not sure he's ever seen before. "I've created a monster." Jensen groans, head leaning back.
When he looks back at Jared, he's got his pout face on again and Jensen doesn't know whether to laugh, cry or just face defeat already.
"You are not getting me to go to the mall." Jensen tells him again, voice full of determination no matter how close he feels to breaking.
"But I have to go." Jared says, as if that explains it all.
"That's because she's your friend." Jensen laughs and Jared continues to pout until Sandy comes to drag him away at which point Jensen's beyond thankful, because if Jared had offered him one more sexual favour, she'd have walked in to Jensen taking them, and though Jared and Sandy are close, Jensen's pretty sure they aren't that close. He's not too sure what got in to Jared, but he knows he's gonna have to find out, because it had been hot as hell.
Once he's got himself under some kind of control, he waits just long enough that he knows they're actually gone, Jared has this habit of forgetting things and having to make a trip back to get it. Jensen does not want to be caught on the phone to Jared's sister if he walks in, somehow he doesn't think it'll work out too well.
His hand shakes slightly as he finds Megan's number and presses dial, his heartbeat starts a pounding rhythm and Jensen doesn't realise he's been holding his breath the whole time the phone's been ringing until someone picks up and the breath whooshes from his lungs in relief.
"Hello. " A female voice comes down the line.
"Is that - are you, erm... Megan? Megan Padalecki?" Jensen remembers when he could be smooth. Some time before Jared he was able to do things like this without palpitating fear.
"Yeah, that's me."
"Oh okay." Really Jensen? He's sure he rang to ask something not just babble incoherently down the line.
He hears a chuckle back at him though and figures it could be going worse. "Who is this? Dave, did Claire put you up to calling me? You didn't need to bother." Well that makes little sense to Jensen. He is not Dave.
"No. I'm Jensen, erm, Ackles. I'm a fri-" He doesn't get any further as a squeal threatens to deafen him.
"The Jensen Ackles?" She almost screams and Jensen has to pull back the phone from his ear in order to save his eardrum, the squealing however doesn't last too long before she suddenly and rather seriously asks. "Are you friends with Jare?"
"Yeah that's why I'm calling." Jensen says finally thinking he's going to get a word in edge-ways, turns out being talkative isn't a Jared thing but more of a Padalecki trait.
"Oh my god, is he okay?" She cuts in, voice full of concern, and Jensen thinks that's a good sign.
"Yeah, yeah Jay-Jared's fine. I was just wondering if, well we're down in Dallas in two weeks got a game, and I know Jared would love to see you."
"Yes!" She says before he can finish. "Does he know you called me?" Seems the girl's pretty astute.
"No, maybe you shouldn't tell him. Just say you wanted to see him and knew he'd be playing that game. I've got a couple of tickets you could have."
"Okay." Jensen hears hesitation in her voice, and thinks she's about to ask why she should keep talking to Jensen a secret but the next words that she says aren't anywhere near what he expects. "Maybe I can talk Jeff into driving me, he could come too?"
"Megan." Jensen's voice holds a warning as he says it, a tone he doesn't even realise he's using, he remembers the way Jared had described his brother and the way he'd expected him to get in touch, he'd heard in Jared's voice how much it cut him that his brother, the guy who'd always had his back, had let him down just like his parents. He has to battle back a little anger at Jeff before he can speak. "I only want people around Jay that are going to accept him."
He doesn't notice how Jared's nickname falls into the sentence, just notices the silence down the line before Megan responds.
"Jeff, he regrets how things went down, me too, it's just, we never called him and you get to a point where you can't call because too much time has gone by and so we waited for him to reach out to us, but he, he never, and then we see this life he has, the life he always dreamt of and I guess that just made it harder for Jeff." She pauses. "It's not a good enough excuse, I know. But I know he and me too, we want to put things right or as right as they can be again. We just want our brother back."
"Okay." Jensen replies. "I shouldn't say this, but you and Jeff were always part of his dream life you know."
"If he can forgive us, we wanna be there for him now, as much as he'll let us."
"Right, I'll erm... I'll leave the tickets at the gate under your name, there'll be two so if Jeff does decide to come or you wanna bring someone else that's cool. If you hang around afterwards, down by the players entrance then we'll come find you. I'm not gonna tell him though Megan, I'm not sure he'd be there if he knew, and I can't take the chance of telling him and then you not showing either. So I'm not sure how he's going to react, but just, don't take it personally you know. If you're not coming, if something changes and you can't be there just call me okay, so I know."
Jensen rattles off his number, his nerves tied in knots again, because really, is this the right way to do this, should he be doing it at all? Too late now.
"I'll be there Jensen." Megan says, voice full of conviction and Jensen only hopes that holds out for the next few weeks.
"See you then." Jensen cuts the call, hands still a little unsteady and just sits there on Jared's couch a pit of guilt starting to work its way through his body, this is the right thing to do, it is, so why does he feel so shifty right now.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Something is different, Jared can't quite put his finger on it, but he gets the feeling that there's something going on. Maybe he's being paranoid but it feels like every time he walks into a room with Jensen and Sandy, they immediately stop talking or suddenly switch to really strange topics and when he questions it, they just get this strange look in their eyes and say it's nothing. But no matter how many times they say it's nothing, Jared can't help but feel that it's got something to do with him and he's not sure whether to be worried about it or not.
As the week progresses training kicks up a gear as they make the last push to qualify for the play-offs and Sandy eventually goes home and the whole thing is pushed to the back of his mind. He's not sure what it was all about but it seems as though it's all worked out now.
He trains hard, he plays harder and when he comes home, he has Jensen beside him. On their down time, which are few and far between these days, they take the dogs to the park and Jared has the time of his life chasing them around, letting them chase him around, all whilst Jensen sits watching them, an amused smile playing at his lips. They spend their days together and their nights and little things of Jensen's, like clothes, shoes, his razor seem to work their way into his house and Jared couldn't be happier.
The guys rip into them about their couple status and how lame they are now that they're practically married. Coach Kripke sits them down for a talk, when the news finally reaches him, on how they don't really have a rule against players dating and he isn't against it unless their games start to suffer, but they don't, if anything they've been playing better and better and Jared loves it when Kripke tells them they're pretty damn good for each other, he also adds that he'll bench them if he ever hears that repeated.
Jared's never felt so accepted in all his life, never felt quite so at peace with himself and so it stands to reason that he's waiting for the other shoe to drop, because really life can't turn out this good. His life can't turn out this good.
Mid-January brings a match in Dallas and also a downer to Jared's mood. He tells himself it's just because of how the game went with the Dallas team last time they played and that it'll probably be worse on their turf, no matter how much he knows the guys have got his back. Even as he lets himself believe that, he knows it's no where near the truth.
He's just never good with stepping back into Texas, there hasn't been that much need for it over the years, a game here and there, but this, this is big, it's never been quite this high profile before and he knows that there's pretty much no way his parents won't know he's there. That thought for some reason settles uncomfortably inside him.
He doesn't expect them to show up, hell would probably freeze over before they acknowledged that Jared was their son, but still them not being there to see him is going to hurt even more than the things they've done and the names they've called him over the years.
You see, it's different than all those other times, this time he steps out on his home turf as a member of the NHL, and like it had weighed on him that first time he'd stepped out as a Boston Bruin, this is just as heavy to carry, because he's going home with his dream realised and that dream was never just his, it had always been theirs too, right up until the day he'd stopped being their son. No matter how many years or moments like this pass, he thinks each one that they're not a part of will continue to tear at him just as hard, because this was their choice.
He tries to shake off his mournful mood and Jensen helps, he really does. He knows he'd have made it without him, he has Sandy when he needs that extra pair of hands to keep standing, to keep wading through, but it's nice to have a couple more there to catch him, however they made it here doesn't matter to Jared anymore, they made it and that's all that really matters now.
The atmosphere is tense when Jared takes a seat next to Jensen in the Stars' locker room, he's never felt anything like this from the guys before, it's not just a feeling of being pumped for a match or determined, there's something more just below the surface, if Jared didn't know any better he'd say they're out for blood. But Jared, he just feels numb.
The pre-game rituals, conversations, talks pass by without him really noticing and Jensen squeezes his leg, something like understanding in his eyes as they stand to head out into the rink. It feels surreal, Jared realises, as he takes his first steps out for the warm-up, as the crowd go wild for the two teams, it feels completely surreal, because he'd once been part of the sea of faces that are staring back at him, his father had held him on his shoulders and told him one day that'll be you son. He looks away from the faces, tries to drown out the screams and tries to focus. He stares down at his hockey stick, on the puck, and he wills everything away but that.
Mike bumps shoulders with him as they take their places for the face-off, a look of encouragement there. Jensen easily wins the face-off, passing to Jared who skates forward, sees Chris open and passes. Chris takes his shot, the puck rebounding off the goal-tender and heading back down the other end of the ice. They scramble backwards in defence and Mike checks the attacker stealing the puck and sending it sailing back Jared's way. He makes two skates forward before he finds himself slammed heavily into the boards. His shoulder sings in pain as he hears the whistle blown over a collective groan and cheers from the fans.
Metcalf the defenceman responsible for the twinge of pain in Jared's shoulder, sends him a calculating grin before heading for his time-out. They're not even two minutes in and Jared wonders if he can really take a full game of this shit.
But still, their ignorance is his advantage, they have the power play after all. Jensen signals a play to him and Chris as they wait for the face-off. Jensen wins the puck easily again, dodges a few defencemen as Chris makes his way forward and Jared finds himself some space. Jensen fakes a pass in Chris' direction, switching to Jared at the last minute, who pushes the puck easily past the distracted goal-tender. Take that Metcalf, Jared thinks as he skates past the time-out box, a cocky smile on Jared's lips this time and Metcalf looks back with the promise of violence in his eyes and Jared thinks bring it. He's just the right side of angry and frustrated to welcome a little challenge.
Jensen shoots him wary looks as the rivalry between him and Metcalf picks up a few notches as the seconds pass by.
"Should just go back to where you came from queer." Metcalf says as he pushes past Jared, it's the first time Metcalf's actually said something and Jared sees Jensen eyeing him still, ready to step in if he needs it.
"I'm from Texas, you dumb fuck." Jared laughs as he skates past the guy and in the guy's defence he looks genuinely shocked to learn that Jared comes from Texas, as if gays couldn't possibly be born in Texas and something about that kind of idiocracy really tickles something in Jared.
It isn't until the third period that things really begin to get out of hand though.
"Fuck you." Jared spits as Metcalf hurls another insult his way.
"Your boyfriend let you kiss him with that dirty mouth fag."Metcalf asks squaring up to Jared, who's still stood with his back to the boards.
"Yeah I do actually." Jensen says pushing the guy back a few paces. The guy looks at Jensen in disgust and Jared can feel it all start to slide out of control. The guy's bigger than Jensen and he's stepping forward, back into Jensen's space and Jared's only thought is how bad this is going to get.
"Got a problem?" Chris asks from Jared's left as he skates to a stop besides Jensen ready to back them up if they need it and Jared glances around to see Mike and Tom making their way over too and though they shouldn't have to, though Jared feels embarrassed that it came to this he can't help the warmth that spreads through his chest at their response. It doesn't matter what he's lost anymore because right here, in this team he's gained more than he could have ever dreamt of.
Metcalf deflates a little at the show of solidarity from the team. But Jared still hears "Fucking faggots" as he walks away. Jared spends the last five minutes on the bench and that pisses him off more than the rest of it, he just wants to play hockey, he just wants to be out there playing and he doesn't understand why his god-damn sexuality has to influence any of that. He knows he should have ignored Metcalf, any other game, any other place, he would have done, but there's just something about being in Texas that makes him so damn defensive.
It's relief he feels when the buzzer signals the end of play and the fact that they win makes Jared's day just a little better. It's a silent screw you to Metcalf, but what he really feels is screw all of you who couldn't accept me for me.
He showers tiredly, the fight in him gone now the game's over and he feels a little ashamed of himself, that he could let himself be played that way, be so riled up that way, he hasn't let that happen for years. The guys give him a wide berth, all of them sensing his mood and his need to just be in his head right now. He dresses quietly and just sits there when he's done. It's all become so fucked up he thinks, he's become so fucked up.
The noise in the locker room dissipates as players begin to leave heading for the bus and the hotel, but Jared just can't find the strength to move.
"You ready?" Jensen asks when he sits down next to Jared, and Jared looks up at him, dazed.
"Yeah." He sighs wearily, notices the way Jensen frowns at his reaction, but doesn't have the energy to call him on it. Grabbing his hold all, Jensen pushes the door open for him and Jared takes a step out before freezing. He's not sure what he's seeing, but he thinks he might be hallucinating the two people stood waiting for him. He looks over at Jensen, who smiles encouragingly at him and then back to the people he's beginning to realise might not actually be hallucinations.
He can't move, he can't make his legs work and he should, he should be walking over to the two figures in front of him, or well, maybe away from them, but he should be taking some action not just standing there with his heart pounding in his chest and his mind working a mile a minute to try to understand what's happening here.
And then he doesn't need to move anymore, because there's a set of arms wrapping around him and he's not even bothered about the fact that he can't breathe, it's been too long, too damn long since he's been embraced by family like this. All those walls he's so carefully constructed to hold all this back, all the pain and regret and the thought that maybe he'd never get to see them again, just come tumbling down and it hurts, god it hurts so damn bad but at the same time he's happy, he's beyond happy because his brother, his sister they came here, to see him and he's not really sure how he's supposed to handle it.
There are tears on the skin of his cheeks and he's not sure who they belong to, might even be his own and he doesn't care he's just holding on for dear life.
He looks down at the bundle squeezing him so tight, as though she's afraid he's just gonna disappear again and he feels himself holding her just a little tighter for exactly the same reason. He strokes a hand soothingly down her back before lifting his head and meeting the eyes of his brother. The face is different, older, thinner, but those eyes couldn't be anyone's but Jeff's and Jared's not sure what he's supposed to do, whether he should be taking a step forward to his brother or reaching out for him, but in the end it doesn't matter because Jeff takes that step, closing the distance between them, and lifts his arm, hand resting on the back of Jared's head and he leans his forehead against his brother's. They don't speak, no one says anything, but Jared understands so completely and he doesn't care about the past, he doesn't care how many nights he spent praying for them to come back to him, because they're here now and none of that matters any more, just this and them.
He's not sure how long they stand there, Jared's tears spilling over his face but a gentle touch to his shoulder, a touch that could only be Jensen, breaks him from the trance like state he'd been in.
"Why don't we go get some dinner." Jensen gestures in the direction of the car lot and it's only then that Jared notices the people that have turned to watch the commotion and he suddenly feels silly for breaking down in public like that.
He tries to disentangle himself from his brother and sister and whilst his brother takes a step back Megan grabs his hand tightly and doesn't let go. She looks up at him with the same wonder he used to see in her eyes as a child.
"You got so tall." She says and Jared brushes the stray tears from her face a smile playing over his lips.
"You too, Meggie." And at the mention of her nickname Megan's face lights up, and he sees those dimples that Jensen always tease him about and he understands why Jensen can't say no to him, because he feels exactly the same looking down on her like this, he feels like he would give her the world if he could.
Clearing his throat Jared dries the tears from his face with the sleeve of his shirt before lifting his eyes to Jeff. "Can you -- " His throat catches and he tries again. "You got time for dinner?"
His brother nods at him and Jared feels relief flood his body. Jeff hasn't said a word yet, but Jared thinks that maybe, just maybe it's going to be okay.
~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Jared's not really sure how they get to the restaurant, he's not really sure what restaurant they're even at, but before long he finds himself sitting in a booth across from Meg and Jeff with Jensen at his side.
He remembers Jensen suggesting he take off and grabbing Jensen's hand like a lifeline, unable to let go, because he really couldn't do this on his own. Maybe it's selfish to make Jensen do this, get through what is more than likely going to be the most awkward dinner of his life but he really can't be alone for this right now.
He sits looking at his siblings and searches for something, anything to say. It never used to be like this, conversation used to flow easily between them, but now, now he realises that he doesn't even know them anymore, they're strangers, Megan for goodness sake, looks like a completely different person and Jared has no idea how to bridge the gap from who they were to who they are. He never thought three years could drive them apart this far.
It's Jensen that speaks first, breaking the uneasy silence and Jared's once again thankful to have him by his side.
"So, Jared told me you were studying to be a doctor?" Jensen asks Jeff and Jared watches Jeff's eyes widen.
"He did?" Jeff pauses and Jared feels the awkwardness rise between them all again and he wonders if this was really such a good idea. "I erm, I got my Doctorate in the summer."
Jared smile breaks out across his face as he looks at his brother. "Congrats man. I can't believe you did it."
"Yeah, you're looking at Doctor Jeff Padalecki." Megan pipes in as she pushes her shoulder against her eldest brother. "Soon to be married Doctor Jeff Padalecki."
"What?" Jared asks, there's elation bubbling inside Jared, because his brother, he's getting married, but then it twists into something hard and cold inside of him. He missed this, he missed his own brother getting engaged, he's going to miss his own brother getting married. And suddenly it all becomes just a little too much.
"Order for me." He tells Jensen as he pushes out of the booth and heads for the men's room. He just needs a minute, he tells himself, just needs a minute to get his head around all of this, around the fact that they're here, that this is happening and that he's missed so much.
Jared stares at his face in the mirror and is so damn confused about the guy staring back at him. He had everything together, he was doing fine, he was making it, and then they have to come back and show him how not-together he is. He splashes water on his face and tries to battle back the swirl of emotions raging inside him. At the sound of the door opening he lifts his head expecting to see Jensen in the doorway, but it isn't green eyes staring back at him, it's his own.
Jared shifts uncomfortably and waits for the inevitable, waits to be cast aside again.
"I'm sorry." Those are maybe the last words he ever expected to hear from his brother and he frowns as he notices just how uncomfortable Jeff looks, maybe more than himself. "They told me you took off, that it was your choice, and I was away, I was studying and I didn't think to question them, I was so caught up in my own damn life that I didn't think to check on you. I didn't come home till the summer that year, I had too many excuses, this internship to do, this paper to write, but in truth I just didn't want to and then I came home and you still weren't there and it just didn't make sense to me. "
Jeff pushes a hand through his hair as he begins to pace in front of Jared.
"They wouldn't speak about it, they wouldn't talk about it but I got it out of Megan, eventually, and I was so pissed at them. We had this fight, I couldn't understand how they could do that to you, their son and I left. Megan told me you'd left for Boston and I should've called then, I should've tracked you down, but I guess I was too damn ashamed of myself, for not seeing it, for not being there for you."
Jared's cheeks are wet again, he doesn't want to cry in front of his brother, he doesn't want to be weak, to be broken, but he can't help it.
"I thought - " He chokes on the words as Jeff grips his arms. "I waited -- but you didn't -- and I thought you felt the same, as them."
Jared looks up into Jeff's eyes and he sees the realisation dawn in his brother, feels himself pulled in tight against his brother's chest, it aches so deeply inside, but at the same time it feels like something in Jared is breaking free.
"Fuck, Jared, no." Jeff tells him. "I was a coward, I kept telling myself I could call, but the longer I left it and the more I saw you living the life you'd wanted, it just got harder to do."
"I just wanted you and Meg and Mom and Dad." Jared sniffs, the admission tearing him apart. "I just wanted to come home."
The grip Jeff has on Jared tightens and Jared hears him curse again. "Well you've got me Kiddo, you've got me and Meg now and we ain't letting you go."
Things are somewhat easier when they both sit back at the table, as if the elephant in the room has finally been addressed and they don't need to tip toe around it anymore.
"Got you the biggest damn burger they had on the menu." Jensen tells him as he slides back into his seat. "Okay?"
And Jared knows that Jensen's not just asking about the burger, he's asking about whatever just went down and Jared knows that if he wanted to get up and leave right this second Jensen wouldn't hesitate to make it happen. But really even though things are still pretty damn screwed up, and he has no idea how this is all gonna turn out, he wants to see this through.
"You know me so well." Jared moves slightly closer to Jensen in the booth, closer than is really acceptable for just friends, but they aren't just friends and Jensen doesn't seem to mind, just slides his arm around Jared's shoulders.
He looks over at Megan, whose eyes are about to pop out of her head the way they widen and she looks between the two of them and then blushes before lowering her head.
"So wedding bells, eh?" Jared asks, deciding to let whatever Meg's bugged out about go.
"Yeah, asked before Christmas. We're planning for June, me and Steph. So much to do, it's a little crazy to be honest."
"I'll bet." Jensen says and Jared raises an eyebrow in question at him, what does Jensen know about marriage.
"Josh, my brother, took the plunge a couple of years back and somehow I got roped into helping with the planning. I feel your pain." Jensen jokes.
The food arrives and Jared's thankful for the fact that Jensen knows exactly what he likes. The conversation remains steady, they talk about Jared and college and Boston, they talk about Meg and high school and if she's thinking of college, they talk about Jeff and the practice he's started at and the house he's doing up for him and Steph, and it's easy again, it's nice and it's simple and it feels right to sit here next to Jensen talking to his brother and sister.
The meal ends far sooner than any of them would like and Jared sees regret in Jeff's eyes when he turns to Megan and says, "Guess I better be getting you home squirt."
Megan looks upset at the prospect of leaving so soon and Jared envelops her in a full body hug when they get up from the table. "You can call me any time you know." Jared tells her as she clings to him. "Come visit sometime maybe too."
"Yeah. I'd -- I'd love that." She sniffles and Jared can't help but flick her on the nose like he used to when they were kids, she doesn't even bat his hand away just looks up at him in awe. "I can't believe I can tell people my brother is a hot-shot NHL player." She jokes as she takes a step back.
Jeff's next, he pulls Jared tight into a hug which surprises him because one hug from Jeff was great, two in the space of a few hours is damn near miracle. "Proud'a you, baby bro."
Jared's heart swells until he thinks it's going to burst and he can tell he's smiling goofily over at his brother but he just doesn't care, he's waited so damn long to hear those words. "You too, you'll have to bring Steph up to Boston to visit soon, we can sit on the porch, still got that damn old ratty guitar of yours."
"Yeah?" Jeff asks as he lets go of Jared and Jared just nods.
It hurts as Jared watches them walk away, but he feels good about it, because it isn't forever this time, he knows that.
"Okay Jay?" Jensen asks from his side.
"Yeah, I think I am." And he truly means it. "Need a god-damn drink though."
It isn't till after a few beers that the whole day begins to click in his mind and those conversations that Jensen and Sandy had been having suddenly fall into place.
"Did you do this Jen?" Jared asks.
"I er-" Jensen looks down at his beer bottle, worrying the label with his fingers and Jared finds it beyond endearing how uncomfortable Jensen is right now. He could play this, he knows, he could make Jensen stew for a bit but he really hasn't got that kind of malice in him, instead he leans forward and presses his lips firmly against Jensen's.
"Thank you." He says when they break apart.
"It was -- you know, nothing." Jared watches the way Jensen tries to play it off but something this big, something this life changing, there's no way he's letting Jensen get off the hook that easily. He just takes Jensen's mouth with his, to stop the flow of whatever idiocy is about to come spilling out.
"Thank you." Jared repeats. "So do you think we can blackmail Mike out of the room tonight."
Jensen laughs. "I may have already made a deal with Chris."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"So it turns out that I'm an idiot."
Jared chuckles at his brothers greeting down the phone, continues to chop vegetables as he tucks the phone into the crook of his neck. Jensen's out with Chris today, said Chris had been chirping on about how he doesn't get any Jensen time these days and thought he'd better appease him. Jared knows Chris would bite his own arm off before admit something like that to anyone but Jensen and Jared finds it kind of endearing that they have that kind of friendship. Still, he can't wait for Jensen to come home.
He's gotten to thinking of his place as more like theirs, what with the dogs, they seem to spend more time here than they do at Jensen's, and they rarely stay at their own places alone, so Jared finds that not having Jensen around, makes him sort of miss him, in that kind of way where you don't realise how much you like having someone around until suddenly they're not there. And that's how he finds himself with a knife in his hand and an array of food in front of him, because he needs something to do to stop himself freaking out about just how close the two of them are getting, but mainly because he wants Jensen to have something nice to come home to, like a home-cooked meal, hopefully one that isn't overly burnt.
"Hey Jeff." Jared acknowledges. "Tell me something I don't already know."
"Hey!" Jeff responds indignantly but Jared can still hear the humour in his tone.
"What did you do to earn someone calling you out on being an idiot this time?" Jared teases and he realises this is easy, talking to his brother on the phone, almost as if the years of silence that stretch between them don't exist at all. Which Jared's grateful for, that and the easy way Jeff seems to be working his way back into his life. He still has doubts, like a few seconds earlier when he'd seen Jeff's name on his caller ID and he almost hadn't answered for fear that it would be awkward, but those doubts are slowly becoming less, and Jared's almost hopeful that sometime soon they might not exist at all.
"I didn't invite you to the wedding."
Jared's slightly distracted by his current food preparations that he can't really be blamed for his response.
"What wedding?"
"Erm... My wedding , dumb ass." That however does get his full response and Jared puts down the knife he's currently using before he loses one of his fingers, he doesn't however get around to forming a reply before Jeff carries on talking. "I kinda, I meant to ask, if you wanted to be one of the groomsmen. I'd been thinking about it, before we came to the game, about getting in touch with you. I want you to be a part of this Jared, and you could bring Jensen you know."
Jared thinks he might be in shock, this is pretty much the last scenario he ever thought would happen and there are a million questions flying through his mind, like, what about Mom and Dad, or, are you out of your freaking mind but somehow none of those are what fall from his mouth when he actually manages to form words. "Jensen?" Is what he actually manages to stutter out and he becomes mildly aggravated when Jeff just chuckles down the line at him.
"Yes, Jensen, the guy you're currently seeing right?"
"I'm... We... How did..." Shit, shit, holy shit. Alarm bells start to go off in Jared's mind, ones that are saying hang up right this minute you don't want to see where this is heading.
"I got eyes don't I baby bro?" Jeff cuts in when Jared seems to be able to do nothing but stumble over a full sentence.
Jared just takes a deep breath, pushing down the fear that's curling inside his stomach. Jeff knows, and nothing's happened, the world has not ended, and really he'd told Jared he was okay with the gay thing, that that didn't change anything between them but Jared realises that up until this moment he hadn't really believed that at all.
"That obvious huh?" Jared manages to say his voice showing just a hint of the strain he's currently feeling and Jeff just hums an agreement.
"So wedding? You, you think you could make it."
He could make it, sure he could, the question is can he survive it.
"I... erm... Do you really think that's the best idea Jeff?"
"Don't do that. I want you there Jared, so just, just don't say no right now, talk to Jensen and then let me know. Yeah?"
"Yeah okay."
And just like that the conversation is over and Jared's left staring down at the food he was preparing without any real understanding over what he's supposed to be doing.
He's still standing there, worrying, whilst trying not to worry, which is making go out of his goddamn mind when Jensen walks in the door, who takes one look at him and then has him promptly sat on the sofa telling him to breathe damnit.
At some point, when his lungs actually start functioning again, Jared comes back to himself.
"I can't go." Is the first thing he says to Jensen, who's still sat at his side on the sofa a comforting hand on his shoulder.
"Okay. Go where Jay?" If Jared wasn't freaking out right now he might be pissed that Jensen's talking to him so gently as if one word out of place might shatter him and really maybe that isn't so far from the truth.
"Jeff called."
"And?" Jensen prompts when Jared just sits there staring at his hands.
"He invited me, no, us to the wedding."
And then Jensen starts doing these lazy circles with his fingers over the skin just below the sleeve of Jared's t-shirt and Jared focuses on that, tries to ground himself in something real, something familiar when everything seems to be breaking around him. Jensen doesn't speak just offers him the comfort of having him close and Jared finds himself able to continue.
"He knows about us, I didn't tell him, he just knew. And he invited us, together, and he wants me to be part of the wedding party and I don't know what to do."
Jensen's hand has moved to the sensitive skin of his neck, and the movement of those fingers over his nerves is drawing out the tension he's been feeling since that conversation.
"What did you say?" Huh? What had he said, nothing right?
"He didn't really give me a chance to, he just said to not say no right away and to talk to you about it."
There's a pause, Jensen's fingers hesitating for just a moment before they continue the same rhythm, and it's as if Jensen's taking the time to choose the right words.
"So maybe you should not say no right away and take a little time to decide how you really feel about it." Jared's come to realise that Jensen's pretty damn good in a crisis. Jared's crisis' anyway.
"Yeah." Jared looks fully at Jensen. "Yeah." He says with a little more conviction. "I'm sorry." He adds as an afterthought for the food still half prepared in the kitchen.
"Hey, it's okay, this is what I'm here for." And Jensen presses a light kiss to the corner of his mouth, another over the fullest part of his lips, tongue snaking out in invitation but Jared pushes back slightly breaking their mouths apart.
"Not for that." Jared explains a slight blush working its way over his skin. "Dinner, I was gonna make dinner."
Jensen just chuckles as he leans in to bring their lips together once more and when his tongue pushes insistently against the seam of Jared's lips there's no hesitation this time and he forgets about dinner for the second time that night.
Jared's always thought that Jensen's kisses are the best damn thing, like, if he could bottle the feeling he gets from the way Jensen's lips press just the right edge of roughly against his, then he'd be a pretty rich guy, because it's a heady feeling that Jared's come to crave. It always starts off slow like this, as if Jensen's afraid to spook Jared, or break him and Jared isn't sure which of those are the least offensive to him, but it only ever takes a flick of Jensen's tongue, a nip of teeth, or a hand pulling Jared incessantly closer to break that softness, that need to hold something back, and then he's assaulted with full-on Jensen. Jensen tastes of beer and M&M's and Jared finds himself licking a little urgently into Jensen's mouth to get himself more of a taste, knowing that it'll never quite be enough.
Jared's the first to initiate the shift from a not-so-innocent make out session into something a little more x-rated as he lifts Jensen fully from the sofa until he's straddling Jared's legs. Never breaking the kiss he jostles the two of them until he feels Jensen hard and heavy against him.
"Shouldn't get me so hot." Jensen says when he pulls back to press kisses along Jared's jaw, teeth biting into skin, bordering on painful but only sending Jared's arousal higher. "The way you man-handle me like that."
There are no more words as Jensen grinds against Jared just heavy breathing and drawn out moans, but Jared wants more, he wants skin, needs to feel skin but they're both still fully dressed and grinding on the sofa through their clothes like teenagers.
His fingers fumble with Jensen's buckle as Jensen's hand slides beneath the hem of his t-shirt, works over the expanse of his chest until he finds Jared's nipple and pinches it agonisingly tight between his fingers. Jared hears himself keen in response his own fingers becoming more insistent in their attempts to get at Jensen.
He's not sure how he manages it but somehow he gets Jensen's trousers unfastened, pushed down roughly below his ass along with his boxers and he finally, finally takes gets his hands on skin.
"Fuck." Jensen curses as he ruts into Jared's grip and then it's Jensen's fingers who are grappling with the button of Jared's jeans as Jared continues to work Jensen over. Jared lifts his hips slightly when Jensen accomplishes his task, pushing jeans and boxers half down his legs and he moans in relief as his dick is freed from the increasingly tight confines of his trousers. Jensen doesn't waste any time in getting his hands on Jared, just grips him firmly at the base and Jared's own hand falters at the sensation.
"Should go upstairs Jay." Jensen tells him. "Wanna feel you. Wanna be in you."
Jared's hips jerk at the thought of that, of having Jensen opening him up, working steadily inside him. He loves it, the fullness of it and the way Jensen builds it, slow and steady until neither of them can hold out, but that, he realises, he doesn't want that right now. Here, on the sofa, this is wild and a little out of control and Jared doesn't want to lose the moment by stopping, he just wants to keep on feeling exactly like this.
"No." Is all he says and he doesn't realise quite how forcefully it must have come out until Jensen's hand pauses on his dick and Jensen gets this little frown between his eyes.
"Later." Is all Jared can manage to get out in way of explanation, pressing a kiss to Jensen's furrowed brow and taking Jensen's hand off his dick. "Like this." He breathes out as he moves Jensen until their hips align, until Jensen's cock slides right against his own and he takes them both in the palm of his own hand. A stuttered breath leaves Jensen's lips as he shifts forward, trying to get as close to Jared as possible. And any thoughts of moving other than to cause more friction fly out the window.
It's fast and at times uncoordinated but it's hot as hell to see Jensen writhing above him, to feel Jensen's cock sliding against his own, both of them encircled by Jared's tight grasp. This is exactly what Jared wanted. He likes it when Jensen's in control, god knows, he pretty much loves it, but sometimes, he enjoys, no, he gets off on the fact that if he wants to he can make Jensen fall to pieces like this.
"Fuck Jared. Fuck." Jensen rhythm falters and Jared knows Jensen's close, knows he's about to lose it but he's not quite there and he wants this to last, wants them to go over together, so he shifts his hand to grip just the base of Jensen's cock tightly, eliciting a high whine from the man above him.
"Not yet." Jared pants as he holds Jensen there on the precipice, doesn't let him fall over.
He doesn't move his hand, or lessen his grip until Jensen mutters gruffly. "Okay. Okay." And he knows Jensen's gotten himself a little more in control now.
When they move this time, Jared's hands are on Jensen's hips, Jensen's gripping his shoulders and it's just them, just the feel of them sliding against one another, bodies pressed closer almost plastered against one another and Jared has a moment to regret not taking the time to fully get rid of each other clothes but then Jensen moves with more determination, twists his hips as he grinds against Jared and Jared feels the tension in his gut building steadily higher, curling hot and tight. He takes Jensen's mouth with his own, needing to feel one more connection with his lover, before pulling back and rasping out. "Now. Shit. Now." And that's all it takes, three words, and a few stilted thrust of hips, to have both of them cursing and spilling between them. It's slick and messy and Jared thinks it's damn near perfection as the aftershocks continue to wrack their bodies.
"So bedroom?" Jensen asks when their breathing evens out and Jared, sat there with his pants pushed to his knees and his shirt rucked up his chest, just laughs, full and open.
Afterwards as they lay in the quiet darkness, Jared listening to the steady breathing that tells him Jensen's sleeping, his mind finally switches back on. Thoughts of Jeff and weddings and San Antonio plague his mind although with less agitation than earlier and Jared looks over at his sleeping boyfriend and feels a wave of something close to gratitude spread though him, he can't believe how he got so damn lucky. He knows what Jensen did earlier, how Jensen used affection and lust to offset his panic and maybe he should feel bitter, annoyed, or something else he isn't feeling right now, for being able to be manipulated that way, but he can't be, because Jensen gave him just what he needed, a little space from his own mind for a while. He shifts in the bed, pulls Jensen closer to him and before closing his eyes thinks, yeah pretty damn lucky.
Find it on AO3 | Masterpost
Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12