LJ Idol Week Six - The Lightning Strike

[ohelectricshock]

Sometimes we become the villain of our own story. It's a curious thing, realizing that I have been an unreliable narrator of my own behaviour and decisions, of my own life. I have unknowingly possessed a destructive power to wound and shatter the same way I had been wounded and shattered. Weapons can be infinitely more dangerous when you don't

Comments

[penpusher]

There's this dizzying feeling, the heady and intoxicating instant of that moment when you're just getting drunk and everything is possible all running through this, but the element of pain, fear and betrayal, just like an ebb tide, is constantly an undercurrent, pulling it back, sucking the pleasure out to some deep, depressing depths.

You've already revealed that this won't be going well, and now we're getting the first signs of just how badly. A difficult tale, told well.

[ohelectricshock]

Absolutely, I love the way you articulated that feeling. Thanks so much.

[jem0000000]

Well-written, and I love the particular topic connection you've taken here. :)

There's one spot, at the end of the second paragraph -- "something I need after this free that has been the past several months." -- where it feels like a word might be missing. Other than that, this flows beautifully.

[ohelectricshock]

RIGHT. Thank you, that is supposed to say "free fall" and I've edited that in. Thank you so much :)

[jem0000000]

You're welcome! I'm glad I could help. :)

[solstice_singer]

Sometimes, we act first and think later. Not always the best order in which to do things, but we all fall prey to it every now and then.

Your story was bittersweet. I hope you find happiness, true happiness, where you aren't required to push down your feelings.

[ohelectricshock]

Yes, it was definitely the action with the biggest consequence -- turned out to be completely worthwhile, in the end, as most difficult things are, but the process of getting to where I am now was long and difficult and full of the most painful kind of growth I have ever experienced.

Thank you so so much <3 <3 I feel like I am on my way to finding true happiness, and reflecting on times where I was unhappy feels like an important part of that process.

[belenen]

This is intense. It's hard enough to switch from monogamous to polyamorous when the relationship is healthy and strong and happy, this seems beyond my ken. You're quite brave.

Also, I feel you on the last line -- my first experiences with new lovers always made me feel that way when I was already in a relationship. When I wasn't, it didn't have that effect, I'm not sure why.

[ohelectricshock]

Thank you, it was such a tricky thing to determine because I thought that our relationship was strong and healthy, but it took until we broke up for me to realize that it wasn't. It wasn't really either of our "faults," in the end, it was just that we wanted different things and we tried to provide them for one another but we just weren't compatible.

That is so interesting. I'm not sure if my feeling of being with Mike for the first time was amplified because I was already in a relationship. To be honest, I wasn't thinking very much about my relationship with Alex when I was with Mike, I think for me it mostly felt like I had some agency back and the things that I did or said mattered because someone cared and listened and made me feel wanted the way I hadn't felt wanted for a time.

[onda_bianca]

I'm loving how this story is unraveling.

I find myself hating Alex and wanting to tell him just what an ass he is and cheering on the inside when I read that last line.

[ohelectricshock]

Hahaha this comment made me laugh with great mirth. Part of me is still angry at him, but I think that this process of writing about it is my process of forgiving him, and also forgiving myself for the hurt that I caused him. It's getting harder to revisit some of the events that took place in the following months but I am going to get it out and write it out because every time I post an entry for this I feel like it's truly in the past and not something that still exists in my present. As for Alex, he isn't and never was a bad person, we just ended up wanting two very different things and it took a lot of denial and hurt and betrayal and pain to get to the point where we realized it wasn't going to work anymore. I am so so glad that you are still reading and enjoying this story :)