I held onto a lot of resentment towards my mom for a long time, but she didn't deserve it. As much as I grew up lonely and afraid when I was a kid, she was always my favorite person. Although my memories of feeling abandoned are strong, there are so many good memories I overlook. Do you remember, mom? When we would go to the video store, and we ( Read more... )

I'm dying, and I don't know how to deal with it ( Read more... )

I spent two more days in the hospital. Uneventful days, as these things go. ICU is a terribly boring place. Dark, low to the ground (4th floor), and monitored. No bathrooms in any room, with bedpans being the rule. Each room set with open glass walls facing inward towards a central area of desks stationed by nurses and aides, prepared to jump to ( Read more... )

My head is a mess right now. Fever, and pain killers, and pain...so much pain. I can't eat, but I'm hungry. I'm embarrassed; I'm ashamed. I succumbed to a desire for attention, my need for human company. I asked people to go out of their way for me and now I feel alone. Like I failed. Because I didn't want to be seen so low, so needy, and now I ( Read more... )

I've never known a time when I wasn't weird. Presumably there was one, when I was just another baby. Maybe even just another kid, but it never made it past there. Now I'm old, and I'm still weird. Not eccentric; I don't have the money to be called that. I'm not artistic; I have created nothing of note. Not genius, or even ecclectic. Just weird, and ( Read more... )

If we're friends, we owe each other nothing. We give and take from each other in the name of friendship, and that is our only attachable string. Our obligations are paid in comfort, stories, and memories. If either of us feels more is demanded of the deal than this, than the deal is done ( Read more... )

It has gotten easier. I find I'm almost happy some days. Not about where I'm living, or the state I'm in, or even the details of my life (which are still frustrating and just straight up depressing at times), but on some level I've accepted and adjusted to all of this. I'm here now, and for now I'm alright with that. Maybe it's the sun and the ( Read more... )

I go out every day now. Somewhere. Anywhere. I just have to go. There's a brief moment on the freeway, between when I merge on to the highway and I decide to exit, where I feel free again. Where I'm just driving. Like I have somewhere to go. Like this isn't where I've ended up. Late at night I usually go to an In N Out burger in Tustin. It's about ( Read more... )

( The things no one wants to hear )

It's all borrowed time now. Every day; every week. I make plans to do things without mentioning to anyone else, but with a clear understanding myself, that I can't make any promises anymore. Some people, I suppose, knowing they were on their way out, would want to do big things. Travel the world. See things they have never seen; do things they have ( Read more... )