Shadow Side of Me Ch. 4
Title: Shadow Side of Me Chapter 4
Characters: Yesung, Siwon, Ryeowook, Kyuhyun, Park Jooryo (OC), the rest of Super Junior members.
Pairing: Yewon, close friendship of KRY
Genre: Angst
Rating: NC-17
Summary: He won’t let his selfishness ruined his beloved dongsaengs' dream. But the so-called sacrifice hurt him the most.
Disclaimer: I only own the story, plot, and the original characters. The fiction doesn't resemble the real life of the characters.
Warning: Mentions of rape.
Jongjin remembers his brother was fine all day. He behaved like usual, there's no sign of physical illness on the turtle lover guy. But now his body's burning, face all pale and his pajama's drenched in sweat. Apparently he has a fever. But why so sudden?
Jongjin eyes his brother while he hears his mother and father are talking outside in the living room. Actually there's something fishy with his brother's current condition, as he's furrowing his brows so often and… is that fear on his face?
He contemplates to call anyone of the SJ members who happened to be in contact with his brother that day, just to make sure. He's about to make a call to Ryeowook when his brother's cell ringing.
"Yesung hyung! How was the practice?"
"Siwon hyung, it's Jongjin." the younger says in relieve. He can always talk to Siwon too.
"What? Jongjin? Why do you have hyung's phone?"
"I… um, Jongwoon hyung is at home now," Jongjin thinks about telling Siwon his brother's condition.
"Oh, I see," Siwon's voice drops a few octave. "Is he asleep then?"
"Hyung, Jongwoon hyung is ill now."
There's a brief silence, Jongjin can only hope Siwon doesn't get freaked out now. Siwon is really close to his brother, he cares about Jongwoon to the core, the smallest detail of the older man.
"Oh my God, really? Is he… having a fever … or something Jin-ah?" Panic rises in Siwon's voice.
Jongjin glances at his brother once again, warm already with his turtle-patterned pajama, blanket, and a wet washcloth on his forehead.
"Actually, he passed out at the café moments ago, and hasn't gained his consciousness until now," the younger explains. "And he's having a high fever, apparently."
Siwon lets out a small gasp.
"God… tell me did he eat properly today? He's fine just this morning I talked to him… it must be because of his exhausted body, but… he's only practicing songs today! What can possibly… I mean, he passed out!"
"Calm down Hyung! We're already taking care of him, don't worry. Perhaps it's just his diet again," Jongjin smiles a little, happy for Siwon's care to his hyung.
"Didn't he act a little bit strange today? Did he say some weird, unusual things?"
"Um… I don’t really remember," Jongjin admits. "I mean, we only had brief talks during managing the café, but he's okay when we had dinner… then suddenly he collapsed while mopping the floor. Just like that."
"You know, he was a little bit strange this morning when I talked to him. He's anxious or something, he's a little bit sensitive…"
"Are you suggesting that this has something to do with his stress?"
Jongjin can hear Siwon's sigh from the other side.
"Probably… He's preparing the new KRY album right now, probably something comes too far to his mind and he can't handle it well," the older speculates. "It's a shame that I'm in Taiwan now… I really want to see him Jongjin-ah. I want him to always be ok."
"It’s fine Siwon hyung. He'll be fine by the morning, I hope."
"But he has recording schedule this morning, though I don't know when's the exact time," Siwon says glumly.
Jongjin wonders why Siwon is so care about his brother. Okay, worrying about your friend is normal, but the way the handsome man is currently panicking and speculating is really weird. It's not like Jongwoon is his girlfriend or something.
"I have to inform Kyuhyun and Ryeowook about this, Jongjin-ah. I'll call you again later," Siwon concludes.
Jongjin nods, "Okay hyung, thank you for your concern," and hang up.
Jongjin sits beside his brother once again when his mother and father enter the room.
"Has he awake yet?" his father asks.
Jongjin shakes his head.
"It's been two hours since he passed out," his mother checks her watch and eyes her older son sadly. "Woon-ah, you should really take care of your health and stop the diet…" she caresses Yesung's hair.
"Shall we call doctor Park? It's past midnight already but seeing the fact that Jongwoon hasn't conscious yet…" Kim Sanggon slids his hand on his wife's waist, trying to console the poor woman.
"Go call him," the mother gestures to her husband and the father promptly walks out the room to give the doctor a call.
"I'm afraid he has some symptoms of thypus, Sanggon-ssi," dr Park says after he examinated Yesung properly. "And something about stress. From what I detected, his body is totally tensed by physical and mental stresses he had been trying to endure for some moment already. Unfortunately his diet is not helping and getting him worse."
"I can tell you his life as an idol is not all rainbows and butterflies, dr Park," Jongjin says lowly.
"Eh, every single human being has their own fate," that middle-aged doctor, who is friends with Yesung's father answers wisely before getting up from his seat. "Here's the prescription," he brings some notes to Jongjin.
"Thank you so much doctor, I'm very sorry to bother you at this time of night," Yesung father ushers the doctor to his way out.
"Now go buy the meds, Jin-ah," Jongjin hears his mother say softly from beside the unconcious man.
On his way home from the drug store, Jongjin reads all the labels of the medicines out of curiousity.
"Here's an anti-depressant. Interesting, dr Park," he put down the bottles of medicine on the passenger seat and drives back home.
He finds his mother had fallen asleep beside his unconscious brother but he doesn't have the heart to tell her to go to sleep in her room. His mother cherises Jongwoon a lot, sometimes Jongjin thought she loves Jongwoon more than him. So he just places his brother's medicines all on the bedside table beside his mother, to better take care of him in the morning.
***
"Oh… My virgin. How did God create you, you little bitch? This thighs…" Jooryo groans as he thrusts into Yesung's warmth, his hands are freely wandering to every little inch of skin exposed to him, but with some fierce of pressures that Yesung can barely breath. "Your whole body is so soft, softer than babies', or even…" the man pauses to bite the younger's ear, "silk."
"Please… stop! No…."
Screams. Dirty, dirty all over his body. Dirty hands touching him all over. Filthy words come to his ears without filters. Salivas, sperms, blood, stickies. It's sickening. It's disgusting. How he feels on the southern part of his body is way, way worse than all of those.
It's the worst.
Yesung cries and screams again on his sleep, shocking his mother to death. Jongjin snaps away from his sleep once he hears all of the noises his mother makes.
"Jongwoonie! Jongwoonie!" Bokyung shouts.
Jongjin glances at the clock, 4.52. It's still too early for anyone to wake up, but his mother… Wait. What happens to Jongwoon hyung?
His mother is panicking when Jongjin comes rushing to the brother's room. She shakes Yesung's body, hoping his elder son will awake soon.
"It hurts! Stop… please… ugh…" Yesung wails in his sleep.
Keeping his calm attitude, Jongjin pours some warm water to his brother's washbasin and put the washcloth in there, then squeezes it before he rubs Yesung's face using it.
It works, Yesung seems to gain his consciousness gradually, eyes open and finally he stops squirming in his mother's embrace.
"Honey… Everything is fine… you’re only having a nightmare…" Bokyung caresses her son's hair lovingly and smiles reassuringly. "Really, you are safe with eomma here, nothing, nobody can hurt you while I'm here darling."
Yesung hiccuped, too shocked when he finds himself awake in his mother's hug.
"I… I'll make you some porridge hyung, then you have to eat it and drink your medicine," Jongjin rushes to the kitchen. He knows that only his mother can comfort his hyung right now.
Yesung eats a lot, he emptied the porridge bowl and his mother presents him her best smile. While outside of his room, Jongjin calls Siwon on his own cell phone.
"Hyung, you are right. Something is obviously bothering Jongwoon hyung's mind. He's having a nightmare."
"Really? Oh my poor hyung," Siwon choked. "Too bad I'm not there! Oh God, I can't even focus here," the rambling continues.
"But hyung, listen. Is it only me or my hyung is being bullied? He sounds like there's someone's torturing him inside his dream…"
Silence for a moment. Jongjin starts to think that Siwon is currently also passed out or something, from shock.
"What…" Siwon sounds a bit hysterical, Jongjin regrets his choice of telling the handsome man about it. "What did he say, exactly? What? Was he screaming? Panting? Things like that?"
"Err… I guess?" he answers, "I'm not sure. But something like that. Someone's hurting him. He wants that person to stop."
"I got it Jongjin-ah. Please, for your hyung's sake, don't tell anybody else about this, ok?" Siwon asks. "Knowing Yesung hyung… he will never want anybody to be burdened by his problems."
"I understand. Thank you so much, Siwon hyung."
Siwon hungs up on him right when Yesung's limping his way out of his bedroom. His face is greenish pale.
"You know where my phone is Jin-ah? I have to call Ryeowook…"
"Woon-ah… You're not strong enough to walk, yet. Don't go anywhere," his mother runs after him.
"But I have a recording today eomma, I have to go in a matter of hours," his son answered blearily.
Jongjin gives Yesung his phone, the older man then frantically checking it.
"They can postpone it… It's your album right? They can manage it… Eomma is sure about that Woon-ah…" his mother draws some soothing circles on his brother's back, ushers him back to his room.
"No, eomma they can't postpone it anymore… I have to do it in time or else." Yesung says, still typing on his phone.
"Or else what? They can't give you penalty for this. You're really sick!" his mother snaps.
Jongjin watches them arguing with a tired face. His brother is far too careless of his own health, that he got sick so often because of his diet. But collapsed and screaming on his sleep? He really is stressed out and needs to take a break from everything he used to do now.
"Eomma," Yesung clears his voice and he sits on a chair nearby, "… you don't understand."
"What else? What's so problematic for delaying a recording for a day Jongwoon-ah? One mere day! Because of a legit cause! Your sickness!"
Yesung shakes his head. Actually Jongjin feels that his brother is really determined this time. He's not usually so excited to his job, he loves to hang out with his family more than attending a dance practice and whatnot with his group.
"They've been delaying this for several times already, eomma. Everything's because of me. Me and my troubled, stupid larynx," Yesung explains calmly, staring right to his mother's eyes. "I hurt my larynx by the time we actually supposed to do the recordings for KRY. Everything's cancelled, song list changed, because I wasn't up for the standard. But now my larynx is getting better, we have to rush to the schedule."
"Try to explain that to Kyuhyun and Ryeowook, they can tell the people in charge for you," his mother advises.
"Err… I don't know, eomma," Yesung corrects his position to be leaning against the chair. "I've been being a trouble maker for them both since all the album preparation's cancelled. This album is not only my dream, eomma, it's also theirs. I don't want to burden them anymore. They'll be disappointed."
Jongjin snorts. Knowing Ryeowook enough to know that the petite man will choose Yesung's health above everything. At least Ryeowook cares enough of his brother to know this.
Before he could say anything, his hyung's phone's ringing.
"Oh, it's Ryeowook. Excuse me eomma," Yesung walks into his room to answer it.
"Look at your brother Jin-ah. He overthinks things again…" Bokyung sighs glumly, looking at his younger son. "I feel like he's hiding something from me. He's having a nightmare but he refused to tell me what was in the dream…"
More precisely it's 'who' was in his dream, Jongjin thinks, but not brave enough to tell his eomma that. His mother is stressed enough to manage her works at the café already. She doesn't need some more problems to think of.
Just then, his older brother storms out of the room.
"They know about me having nightmare," Yesung says, voice suddenly trembled. "Who told them about this? Now Ryeowook and Kyuhyun don’t want me to do the recording today! They want me to heal and I won't have to do this recording or any activities for three days."
"Oh honey that's good. Let's get you some sleep," Yesung's mother beams in delight.
"No eomma," Yesung reprimands his mother to come closer using his hand gesture. "I can't do the recording on my own… I can't! I have to always be with them!"
"Then tell that to their faces," Jongjin snaps. "Don't talk like that to eomma. You have to get Ryeowook and Kyuhyun do what you want them to do. You're their leader."
"Don’t you think I already did? I told them to do their parts to tomorrow but Kyuhyun has a super jam packed schedule! There's no empty time for him from work until next week!"
"What about this? Let Kyuhyun does his recording parts today, then you can do your parts with Ryeowook a few days from now, or even tomorrow. You won't be alone, honey…" his mother says with small voice. Apparently she's quite shocked with Yesung's snap just now.
Jongjin hugs his mother as soon as he hears her talk. He saw how startled she was and he hates his brother for making their mother feels unneeded, unloved like this.
Yesung doesn't say anything for some moment, Jongjin can almost see how his brain's working.
"Eomma, I swear I'm already alright…"
"Woon-ah, you're not leaving this house today," a gentleman's voice interrupted him. His father.
"Ah… appa…"
"Don't you know how scared were about you last night? And what now, nightmare? Son, you need your family now, not some stupid album, or stupid recording." Kim Sanggon's face is still flushy from his sleep, but his dominating aura over his family members and his voice are still so strong.
"Your father is right, Jongwoon-ah. Now I want you to only take a rest as well," the mother adds to the solemn first son.
"I'll take care of Ryeowook. I'll tell him what you want. I'm sure he'll understand," Jongjin quickly adds too before Yesung could say anything.
***
On his bed, Yesung is lying properly. Still clad in his turtle pajamas, blanket, and his mother just changed his washcloth on his forehead. Apparently after taking his medicine, the fever decreased, but it's still counted as high so yeah, he's still grounded. On his bed. Not to mention that his phone is also being carried by his mother, for him to be able to sleep, not minding works.
Funny, that a 28 years old man can still be grounded by his parents, Yesung smiled a little.
To think about his sickness again, is that true that he has thypus? Then why so sudden? He swears to himself he didn't feel anything's wrong inside his body yesterday. He eats properly, as his usual diet's prompt. It had went well for three years, more or less and now suddenly he's being sick-grounded? They also said he had collapsed yesterday. Why in the world did he collapsed? It's not like he's starving himself or whatnot. He managed his sleep well… hmm maybe not that well though, and he's definitely not exhausted yesterday… only a singing practice and hanging around HG!
Thus, what a turn of event his sickness is. He was worried sick about meeting some one he despises so bad but then his family are the ones he'll only see today. Then in a second his eyes widen in horror.
So people are aware about his nightmares now.
What, what did they hear? Yesung, of course, didn't quite know what kind of words exactly that he spluttered out in his sleep. But it must be about that damned bastard.
What do the people know now?
Was it when he desperately asks Jooryo to stop? Or was it his wails of fury and regret when the bastard left him down and dirty?
Then another face comes to the surface. Siwon.
Yesung balls his fists. Jongjin had told Siwon about his sickness. And Siwon must be knowing something about him having nightmares too. He's the one who told Ryeowook about it!
He doesn't know what to think. Knowing Siwon, he won't stop until he knows everything. Until he finds all the truth…
Suddenly Yesung feels ashamed. Really humiliated.
That dream is really inappropriate for anyone to hear! Anyone ever! It exploitated him on his dirtiest state! Voices reverberated from his most embarassing and disgusting moment ever! Was he moaning? Groaning? Panting? Like a sex slave? Like a slut? Dirty whore?
Not even his mother and Siwon, his closest people, should've heard it. No, they are the ones whom Yesung wants to keep that as a secret from the most.
But actually Sungmin had also heard it…
He'd rather die than having that secret exposed to the world. It's the last thing he wants. He doesn't want anybody to know that he'd been raped. By someone he respected. It'll throw his dignity to the ground and smashed it until he's left with no one. Like a worthless, unwanted person.
What would he expect? Him, a man, had being raped by another man? Just shows the world he has no masculinity at all. He's weak. He couldn't even fight to defend himself from another man who wanted sex from him! It's really humiliating…
Yesung feels hot tears streaming down his cheeks. He has to bite the blanket to muffle his sobs. Good. Now he's being a pathetic crying mess again. Just a the perfect image to show the world, right? A man, who had been raped by another man, can only cry his heart out silently, not wanting anyone to find out. Can only choke on his sobs rather than seek for revenge. Letting that dirty geezer to roam free, laughing and mocking him from time to time, watching him as he dies slowly, painfully.
And like usual, Yesung cries so hard that his tears ushers him to sleep.
***
Siwon couldn't concentrate on his bible-reading session this morning. Not when the imagine of the miserable Yesung is all over his mind.
As long as he remembers, Yesung is not the type of person who cries a lot, and Jongjin said he's crying hard in his sleep. It only indicated that something not right is really happened to his hyung.
"… Is it only me or my hyung is being bullied? He sounds like there's someone's torturing him inside his dream…"
Bullied? Siwon frowns. Surely their staffs and managers used to use violence to them. Being spanked over mistakes in choreography or singing are not a foreign sensation to every Kpop idol at all. But it was a long time a go since their band get that kind of treatment. Basically after their huge success in "U" era, it had stopped. Now no one in the company dares to lay a hand to SJ since they are one of the main money maker.
But Yesung really seems to be bullied if what Jongjin said was true. He's hurt by someone in the dream and he wanted that person to stop! For God's sake, what other possibilities it could be?
Siwon gulps his americano. So company staffs crossed from the list. Probably it's his own acquaitances then….
He sighs, in nerve he touches his upper lip, a habit he does whenever he thinks. He looks at his watch and realizes he has to go in about five more minutes. Then he picks up a small box from above the coffee table in front of him, that wooden box decorated by flowery patterns in red. He opens the seemingly-old box and takes out it's contain.
He holds the contain of the box dearly in his hand and attaches that thing to his cheek.
"Jongwoon hyung, I wonder if you even remember this…"
***
Kyuhyun goes to the recording studio only with manager Jung. Yesung had ordered Ryeowook to record in the day after tomorrow with him so he has to finish his part alone today because of his full schedule. With red eyes and super-tired face, he and his manager approach the recording room where Jooryo and the recording staffs will be waiting.
"Kyuhyun-ah, so what actually happened to Yesung?" Jooryo immediately asks when they shake hands.
"I don't know, he got thypus it seems," he answers. "Is it okay hyung? Yesung hyung and Ryeowookie will be recording two days from now."
Jooryo looks like he's a little pissed, furrowing his brows and shrugging.
"Okay, fine."
Kyuhyun knows just how disciplined this one person. He usually comes to their practicing or recording session earlier than them three, or his fixed schedule to come. Yesterday he arrived even more early because of Kyuhyun's recording schedule. He's a hardworking person too, always stays until very late at night just to make their recordings went perfect.
The maknae of SJ thinks that it's probably the troublesome preparations of the recording, which makes Jooryo that pissed. Now he has to manage the recording studio's usage for one more day.
Hey but that's a part of his job. He's gotten paid for that. Kyuhyun shrughs.
The recording for his main part finished perfectly in the third try. Jooryo gives him his thumb up from the control room. It's been two hours and Kyuhyun shall take a break for about 15 minutes to refresh his voice and whatnot.
He comes to the control room and sees Jooryo gestures him to get outside and both of them sit in the sofa side by side. Manager Jung is also beside him, preparing his water bottle and then busy playing his phone.
"In about half an hour you'll do the adlibing part," the vocal coach says. "I know it's not usual for us to do the adlibing before the complete vocal are done to be recorded, but in this case, you'll have to."
"Okay Hyung. But by the way, why is all this rush? I mean, we are still not even sure that this song will be included in our album," Kyuhyun leans his body against the fluffiness of the sofa.
"Err… isn't it obvious? It's because your 6th album is coming! People are busy selecting your upcoming songs for the main album."
Now it's Kyuhyun's turn to frown. "Wait, do you mean we’re not getting the proper attention here? We only have this one song so far!" he bents his body forward, using both of his long arms to support his upper body's height and looking straight at Jooryo.
Jooryo smiles coldly at the younger man before saying, "Just so you know, getting this one song is already burdensome for us."
"What do you mean?"
"Did Yesung not tell you? This song was actually meant for SHINee. But we're letting it go to you," Joryo answers calmly. "It's not an easy deal."
"What the? Where's the song list meant for us? You showed it to us last christmas. They're gone too?"
"That list?" Jooryo chuckles. "It's long gone. People buys song here and there these days. Look at how many rookies debuted. They need one or two nice ballads for their first album."
"You sold it to other companies already?" Kyuhyun's voice shakes in annoyance.
"Not me! Producers need money, okay. And your board decided it."
Kyuhyun groans and closes his eyes. He can't believe this is happening. He didn't get to hear the demo songs of their former songlist but still, he's disappointed. This album, isn't it important to the company? The first album of the main vocalists, the best vocalists?
"So we're starting from nowhere now?"
"Starting from nowhere," Jooryo nods wisely. "Listen, Kyuhyun-ah, you know your group is meh nowadays. Your sub-groups also not doing good all these years. Besides, those delusional fangirls of yours basically will buy any crappy songs you sing. What do you expect?" the coach laughs.
Kyuhyun glances at his manager. He seems like he didn't hear what he and Jooryo are currently talking. But he knows Jung manager is also keeping the dirty things inside.
"Bullshit, we still make a lot of money," he mutters and gets up from the sofas before his anger burning more and more. "I'm gonna take a short walk," he says to his manager and walk away.
"Get back in 20 minutes," Jung manager answers, eyes still not leaving his phone.
Kyuhyun still mourns of the lost of their former song list. It really hurts to know that your company not even working that hard to manage the songs they're going to make them sing! Riciculous!
He drinks his drink from his water bottle he brings along while walking along the corridors of the small building. He still can't help but feeling really angry at the new revelation. Suddenly he remembers how Yesung's name was mentioned by Jooryo minutes ago, that the oldest member of KRY actually knows about the song list changes for some moment, only choosing not to let him and Ryeowook know about that.
What the hell was Yesung hyung thinking? Why did he choose not to inform his two partner of things this important? He's the leader, for God's sake!
Something evil inside his heart also reminds him that the delaying of the actual album recording was because of Yesung's throat problem. His larynx? Whatever. And the problem now is that they are lack of songs to collect before the time for the main SJ comeback in summer.
He doesn't know what to think, really. Something inside his heart is blaming Yesung for all of their misfortune.
Kyuhyun was too busy thinking that he's almost late to get back to the studio for adlibing. Somehow his mind and focus are distracted completely by now, he has to repeat the recording of some parts many times. Take him almost two hours before Jooryo, once again, gives him a thumb up.
Jooryo pats his shoulder as he barges out the recording room.
"Done. Thank you for your hard work," the coach says.
"You're welcome," Kyuhyun answers shortly and bowing to all staffs present as his manager come into the room to take him home.
"Wait, wait, Kyuhyun-ah!" Jooryo almost run to chase him when he and Jung maagers walks outside. "May I ask for Yesung's home address?"
"Huh?" Kyuhyun asks back in wonder. "What for, hyung?"
"Ah, it's nothing," Jooryo scratches his head. "I just want to visit him tonight. He's sick right?"
"You'll only remind him to work won't you," Kyuhyun mumbles. "I'll text you the address later hyung."
***
A/N: It's still Valentine's day today in Indonesia, although not anymore in Korea... huhu. Failed attempt to update on time because i'm lazy! Here darkshoumy, i hope you're pleased with this chapter. Oh comments are loved, all Yewonderfuls! <3