Who Are You, Faith Lehane?
Title: Who Are You, Faith Lehane?
Timeline: BtVS, alternate season 4
Genre: comedy
Pairings (consider them spoilers): ** Faith/Buffy, Faith/Wesley**
Rating: R-ish
Summary: Faith doesn't remember anything about her life in Sunnydale when she wakes up from coma.
Disclaimer: They all belong to Joss. He said I could play with'em, so there.
Author's notes: Written for angearia's "Who Are You" ficathon. Much thanks to my wonderful beta deird1. All mistakes are mine. This is my first attempt at femslash, so concrit is very welcome.
†
Name: Faith Lehane.
Emergency contact: Rupert Giles.
Medical history: Entered the emergency ward with lower left quadrant wound (possibly impaled on debris) and subdural haematoma. Comatose since 05/20/99. Regained conscience 02/25/00. Discharged 02/26/00. Diagnosis at discharge: retrograde amnesia.
...The nurse finishes filling in the form and lingers on it for a moment before clicking "archived". She's worked here here for six months but still can't get used to the major weirdness of everything that happens in this little town. Take that patient, for example. Such a nice, sweet, innocent girl. Yet her guardian looked at her like she was a criminal.
†
"How convenient! What if she's just pretending she doesn't remember anything?" Buffy glares at Giles. "How come she wasn't sent in jail?"
"Mayor Wilkins had deleted her criminal record. We have only two options: either let her go or contact the Council for an executive decision."
"And executive decision is a euphemism for wetwork."
"I'm afraid so."
"There is another option, Giles." Buffy looks away. "We keep her here, in Sunnydale and watch her. Maybe she really doesn't remember. She deserves a second chance."
"But Faith is wild and unpredictable - it will be a great responsibility for you, Buffy."
"Me?"
†
It was the briefest meeting in Scooby history.
"The less she knows about her past the better." Buffy glances around the Scoobies. "Questions?"
"Um, Buff... Maybe we should tell her, delicately..."
"Delicately? Like, 'you were a psycho-killer and tried to murder everybody present in this room, and helped your boss to unleash an apocalypse, and he would have succeeded unless the girl you currently live with hadn't gutted you and lured him into a trap with a knife with your blood on it - but it's water under the bridge'. Yeah, it wouldn't freak her out at all. More questions?"
†
Dear diary,
I'm supposed to write in you to train my memory. In case I hit my head and forget everything again, here's what I've learned about myself:
I'm Faith Lehane, 18, I was in a hit-and-run accident and I spent nine months in a coma. My best friend Buffy Summers took me to live with her until I'm fully recovered. Buffy is very cute. She still sleeps with her stuffed pig. Her shopping sprees are wicked fun. She's very solicitous: she asks me if I got my memory back, like, once a minute.
I'm so sorry to disappoint her.
†
Faith closes the diary and stretches her limbs. She likes her new home and she likes Buffy's mom who is nice and makes great cookies. But other people around her are very strange. Yes, Buffy is criminally sexy, but she is terribly antsy, and she often stares at Faith funny. Buffy's other best friend, Willow Rosenberg (red hair, a bit nerdy) also looks at her funny and jumps every time Faith addresses her. (Maybe she's a closet lesbian - she split up with a boyfriend recently.) And Buffy's male friend, Xander, has a nervous tic every time he sees Faith. Weird.
†
It's wrong to eavesdrop, but the temptation is too great. It's not her fault that Buffy's friends are talking on the back porch when Faith enters the kitchen.
"...crack a government encryption code on my laptop?"
"But you're a computer whiz, Will - you're our Big Red Hope to find a way into the secret lab where they keep the hostiles."
"Buffy says the commandos have another secret entrance to their military base, somewhere on the campus..."
Faith retreats from the kitchen, her heart pounding. Shit! She's ended up in the company of spies and terrorists!
No wonder they’re so jumpy.
†
No. It must be some freaky misunderstanding. These nice people can't be criminals. They're just playing some stupid RPG or something.
When Faith finally dares to search Buffy's room, she tells herself it's only a precaution.
The first suspicious thing she finds is a bunch of stakes under the bed. Then she discovers a sharp, exquisitely carved hunting knife in the cabinet. For some reason it gives her creeps.
Then she finds an axe, a couple of crossbows, a mace and... Cold metal, sleek black surface, phallic shape - it's a rocket launcher.
Apparently, Buffy Summers likes ‘em big and hard.
†
But Faith can't turn her best friend in to the police, can she? She must convince Buffy to renounce her evil ways. That's what friends do. She has to talk to her face to face, when she's
not surrounded by her evil accomplices.
So, when Buffy leaves late at night, Faith follows her secretly and witnesses her murdering a bunch of guys with some ultra-modern weapon that disintegrates her opponents on the spot.
Faith is so mesmerized by Buffy's ballet of death she doesn't notice Xander approach. She jumps when he touches her shoulder.
"Hands off, you killer!" she shrieks.
†
"Now, that's priceless. You tried to strangle me, and now I'm a killer."
"I tried to strangle you? Ha-freaking-ha. You're twice my size!"
"But you're a sla... You're very strong."
"I noticed. Here's an idea. I'll be breaking your fingers one by one until you spill everything about your evil business you've got my best friend into."
"What?"
"I heard you talking about breaking into a military base. I saw Buffy killing people."
"Oh - that. They're not people, Faith. They're vampires."
"Yeah, sure."
"I swear. Buffy, tell her!"
Buffy watches them warily, dusting off her clothes. "Tell her what?"
†
"...So, you're good guys."
"Yes."
"You slay evil things - demons, vampires, municipal workers."
"Well... mostly demons and vampires."
"Then why did I try to strangle you?" She looks at Xander.
"Well, we... I... stuff happened..." He turns red. "I thought I could help you, but you thought differently..."
"So I decided to strangle you."
"It's complicated," Buffy says hastily.
"Oh-kay. So - why is the US military your enemy?"
"It's... also complicated."
"I see. And the bazooka in your closet?"
"Just in case." Buffy giggles nervously. "It's not like I'm going to blow up a school principal with it."
†
Dear diary,
I'm trying my best to catch up with my life, but I feel like I woke up from a coma into a different universe. My friends kill vampires and are planning to get into a secret military base to stop another regularly scheduled apocalypse. Xander says they have one every May. I wonder why I tried to strangle him - for his stupid jokes or for trying to coerce me into something criminal, like he coerced poor Willow. I feel lost and confused. The only thing I'm sure of is my undying love for wonderful, awesome Jonathan Levinson!
†
"Will, I have a swell idea. I'm brunette, Buffy's blonde and you're red. We should totally become Jonathan's Angels. Like Charlie's Angels, only stronger and sexier."
Willow tears her eyes off her notebook and shudders as she sees Faith spreading jam on her sandwich with a big kitchen knife.
"I… I don't know..." she stammers. "I mean, it's a great idea, but..." She is hypnotized by Faith's knife.
"Come on, baby, it will be wicked fun!"
Faith plops down next to her and Willow shrinks away instinctively.
"What? Oh, shit - don't tell me I tried to kill you too."
†
"...So, that night you and your friends broke into the City Hall to steal a box that belonged to the Mayor."
"Uh-huh."
"And I was one of his assistants who caught you in the act."
"Yes... but the Mayor was evil! You know, sometimes people have to sacrifice their integrity for the sake of humanity."
Faith grins. "I bet Buffy has made a lot of sacrifices."
Willow's eyes darken. "Actually, she sacrificed the love of her life! She stabbed that va- person to stop the end of the world. It broke her heart."
"Oh." Faith blushes and rubs her scar.
†
"Yes, I get it - we all love Jonathan." Buffy sounds pissed. "But Faith crushes on him so hard it's ridiculous…"
"Buffy…"
"Sorry, Willow. You said you wanted to talk about something important... You look embarrassed."
"Well… It's not every day you find out that your best friend is prone to girl-on-girl action..."
Buffy is petrified.
"Will, I swear, I so am not! I don't have naughty Faith dreams, I don't try to guess which top she'll wear tomorrow, there is nothing going on between Faith and me!"
Willow stares at her, wide-eyed. "I'm talking about me and Tara."
†
At first the idea to remedy the post-Jonathan hangover with a visit to a fraternity party looked unappealing. Still, Faith agreed to accompany her best friend and didn't regret it. Buffy turned
out to be a passionate little thing - great kisser, daring explorer, instinctive learner…
Pity Faith isn't the love of Buffy's life. When Faith, basking in the post-coital glow, says she doesn’t blame Buffy for sending her to hell, she replies that Faith got it wrong and Buffy sent a lover named Angel to hell.
Angel, who happened to be a male.
A male vampire.
Complicated, my ass.
†
...Of course, it was a spell. Ghosts releasing their long-pent-up sexual energy through the guests of the party. But why did it feel so good? Faith's strong, talented hands caressing her in all the right places. Faith's unfathomable eyes full of rapture and abandon. Delicious warmth pulsing in her belly, bittersweet kisses sending waves of unbearable pleasure all over her body, until it felt like Heaven and Hell touched, their bodies merged into a single entity and all mistakes of the past were forgotten and forgiven...
Of course, it was just a stupid spell.
Dammit, why are her eyes stinging?
†
"Faith?"
She looks at the approaching demon suspiciously. A bad guy? A good guy? They should wear signs.
"I got a little present from your friend. I tried contacting you before, but you were in a coma."
A good guy, then.
Faith thanks him, shakes his scaly paw and receives a manila envelope marked "Office of the Mayor, Sunnydale CA."
Shit. The Mayor was evil - that's what Willow said. Willow, who broke into Mayor's office last year. And right now she's planning to break into a secret lab...
She should talk to Buffy. That's what best friends are for.
†
"...Heck, maybe we won! And right now I'm on some jumbo monitor in the Richard Wilkins museum..."
"I don't understand." Faith watches the tape, frowning perplexedly. "Buffy, what really happened last year?"
Buffy looks away. "The Mayor was unhappy with our activities. So, he told you to kill Angel…"
"What?!"
"Faith, please, don’t freak out - you didn't kill him."
"Figures. You told me YOU killed him - remember?"
"Oh - that. He came back."
"Boyfriends. Kill, welcome back, rinse, repeat…"
"Actually… Faith, don’t put this thing on your palm, it may be dangerous…" Buffy grabs Faith's hand. “What the?..”
†
"Mmm... I always dreamed about luscious boobs..." Buffy cups her newly-acquired breasts.
Faith smirks and strokes them. "You know, I love these boobs too..."
Buffy moans involuntarily. "Don’t..."
"What? They're mine. I can do whatever I want with them - stroke... pinch... lick..."
"No, please - we shouldn't..."
"Why not?"
"Because... because it must be the after-effects of that stupid spell," Buffy whispers hoarsely, wriggling in Faith's talented hands. "Because it's wrong - using you, your helpless state, your amnesia, your trust..."
Sometimes Buffy is so silly it’s not even funny.
Faith smirks. "Don't sweat. My body - my choice."
†
Five hours later Buffy is much wiser. She doesn't mind sex in Faith's body. She doesn't mind sex in her own body. She even doesn't mind trading bodies the moment they climax together.
She holds Faith's hand with the magic thingamajig on it, and sparkles fly, and the whole universe melts in ecstasy…
A phone call interrupts their experiments. After a conversation with Giles Buffy is all gloom and doom.
"The Council... another bunch of our friends - want you to take a test. The Cruciamentum."
"Sounds like a name of a hard-rock band."
"You're right. About the hard part."
†
"... the good news is, The Council ran into a trouble with Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs and is currently strapped for cash." Giles polishes his glasses fervently. "I suspect that they let Faith return to the fold only because their wetwork team went AWOL. Travers is so broke he doesn't even have money to buy a plane ticket. He said his contacts have found some rogue Watcher and demon hunter from LA to supervise the ritual. He told me to provide a vampire from the local population."
"Are we thinking about the same vampire?"
"If you're thinking of Spike…"
†
"Two boxes of beer, ten pints of O-neg, ten packs of Marlboros and a new TV set."
"For spending an evening in the company of a pretty girl? It's a robbery."
"No, Watcher, it's pragmatism."
Heavy sigh. "Okay. Deal."
"And tell your Slayer not to hit me on the nose."
"Okay. Anything else?"
Spike leers. "If you don’t want to embarrass your poor innocent Faith, yours truly needs a very large doze of monk's pepper."
"What's a monk's pepper?" Buffy inquires.
"A souled vampire’s medicine." Spike giggles. "I’m sure Angel guzzles it every time he sees a pretty arse… ouch!"
†
"Thanks for an idea, Spike. I'm so calling Angel. It will be the coolest Cruciamentum in the history of the Council: one helpless girl against William the Bloody and Angelus the Great."
Giles frowns. "I don't think it's a wise idea, Buffy. Is Angel's presence necessary? Spike can't harm her..."
"Wise, schmise. I won't let Spike stay with Faith tete-a-tete. It's Spike, you know."
"But we already run the risk of Spike being recognized by that supervisor. Angel is even more notorious. A Watcher could know his name and face..."
"Relax, Giles - I bet they’ll send some clueless idiot."
†
Angel looks guilty as he enters the office of "Angel Investigations".
"Wesley, I have to go away for a couple of days."
"Anything I should know?"
Angel shakes his head. "Sorry, Wes - I was asked to keep it secret."
"What about our search for the Aberjian scrolls?"
"I believe in your detective abilities, Wes."
"But I'm going to be leaving for a while too. The Council asked me to assess Faith's performance at the Cruciamentum, and I agreed. I want to help her… Angel? What the…" Wesley stares at the laughing Angel, perplexed. "Have you lost your soul again?"
†
Wesley Wyndham-Pryce arrives soon after sunset.
Faith can't take her eyes off the leather-clad biker with a ruggedly handsome face and blue eyes. Buffy's ex-boyfriend is totally hot. How could she make an attempt on the life of such a cutie?
"Sorry I tried to kill you."
He nods. "I'm glad you're with us, Faith."
"Hopefully we'll become friends, Angel".
He blinks. "Faith, I'm Wesley Wyndham-Pryce, your former Watcher."
"Huh? I said I tried to kill you, and you didn't correct me."
"But you did try to kill me!"
"Oh, crap. Is there anybody who I didn't try to kill?"
†
"No, Faith, I can’t risk your life. I've known Spike for several years and I've learned all his evil tricks. Our body-switching mojo is a gift of destiny, a sign that I should go into your body."
"Really, Buffy, I can handle Spike."
"You don't understand. Chipped vampires are very dangerous. They can lull you into a false sense of security with their evil tongues curling around their evil fangs..."
"Besides, Angel will be there..."
"Souled vampires are even more dangerous. They brood, they talk about destiny, they look romantic and mysterious... What?"
Faith smirks. "Are you jealous?"
"As if!"
†
Wesley bursts into Giles' flat, panting.
"We're busted! Quentin Travers found the way to supervise the Cruciamentum! The Coven has sent him to Sunnydale on a broomstick."
"We have to distract him," Giles murmurs...
Too late. Travers enters the room.
"Mister Travers!" Anya exclaims, flashing a megawatt smile. "I have a brilliant plan to fix your financial woes. You should breed and exploit a race of public-friendly vampires. Vegetarians, with sparkling skin…"
Travers listens with his mouth open as Anya leads him away, chatting engagingly.
Xander smiles. She's so his type of girl - the one who saves the day.
†
"Giles, are you sure Spike won't hurt Faith?"
"Wesley, he's chipped and harmless... Hey, Buffy, here you are! Spike and Angel already there?"
Faith-in-Buffy's-body nods curtly, afraid to give herself away.
"I'm so concerned about Faith," Wesley continues. "It was my fault she broke down. She's such a strong, passionate creature, and I gave her too little space. Our relationship was supposed to be about trust and I didn't trust her. When she ran away, she was desperate. I get it now. But at the time I was just angry…"
Faith gapes at him. She and Mr. McHottie were lovers?
†
"Faith, block your ears..."
Buffy rolls her eyes. If she'd known, she'd have sent Faith here to put her off vampires for good.
"You abandoned us, Peaches! You have no right to tell me what I have to do!"
"How dare you, boy! On your knees!"
"Bloody hell, Angel, so much sexual tension is stuffed up your arse. Your precious Wussley doesn't feed your kinks?"
“Shut up, idiot!”
“Admit it, you never had it so good since you stopped shagging me…”
Buffy perks up, because Angel suddenly loses his brawl. He looks like a lost puppy. Is Spike that good?
†
Sneezing, Buffy scatters dust out of the filter bag of her vacuum cleaner. She really hates her slayer duties. Damn Council supervisors. And damn horny bloodsuckers. If they hadn’t left, she’d have dusted them both. Why did her polite question about monk's pepper sent Angel up the wall? Why did Spike smirk so gleefully?
Buffy raises her head and freezes. Wesley Wyndham-Pryce stands in the doorway, his face impenetrable.
"Wesley, I swear, it's not what you... well, it's exactly what you think, but I can explain..."
"Real vampire dust or regular domestic?"
"It’s from my… from Buffy’s patrol clothes."
"Good."
†
It's good to be back in her own body. As Faith inspects herself in the mirror, she hears footsteps behind her, but doesn’t see anybody in the glass.
"Faith, I'd like to invite you to work in 'Angel Investigations'," Angel says. "I'll teach you how to redeem your evil deeds by brooding and looking hot in a leather coat - I mean, by helping the helpless. You'll find your destiny and become a champion, like me. I can't stop thinking about how much we have in common... ouch! Don't hit me on the nose, Buffy! You have Spike for that!"
†
"I don't get it," Buffy complains. "When I was in Faith's body, nobody paid attention to me."
"It's not about the body." Spike smirks. "It's about your attitude. When I'm around you, all I want is to cover my nose. When I'm around Faith I need to cover another part of my anatomy..."
Buffy's eyes dart instinctively to Spike's crotch. "You're a pig, Spike!"
"Pet, you love sleeping with pigs - and I'm prettier than Mr. Gordo."
"Okay, that's it. Willow, do a de-lusting spell. I have to protect Faith from these horny males."
Willow smiles shyly. "Only males?"
†
The male species prove to be especially vulnerable.
"The Initiative got Oz!"
"How? When? The full moon is a week away!"
"He came, he met Faith, he turned into a horny beast in broad daylight."
"Shit. It's the Faith thing."
"Buffy, I'm so sorry I didn't have time to do the de-lusting spell... It's my fault!"
Buffy thinks hard. "Don't worry, Will, we'll get there and free him. I know where their emergency exit is situated."
"But they'll spot us immediately!"
"I think I know how to distract them. Thank God you didn't have time to do the de-lusting spell."
†
Faith doesn't like her slutty cleavage, but it's crucial to their strategic plan.
As soon as they enter The Initiative and spot a surveillance camera, Faith takes a mirror out of her bag and starts applying her lipstick, trying to look as hot as possible. Buffy's red leather pants hug her ass so tightly she can hardly breathe, and her top screams "come and get me".
Faith looks at the watch. Five minutes have passed. Time to proceed to phase "B". She finds the best angle in front of the camera and starts adjusting her breasts in a tight bra.
†
When Scoobies find Oz, Willow solicitously shoots him with a tranquilizing dart, because Oz already smells Faith's presence nearby and is feral again. The other demons are also horny. Buffy tries not to look, but fails. When she sees Faith again, she blushes as she carries her away from the camera.
In the monitor room the Initiative security team, desperate, watch Faith’s ass moving out of the zone of visibility.
In his lair, Adam stares at the feed from the Initiative cameras. At the sight of Faith assets Adam's atomic heart starts to beat faster, goes into overdrive and melts.
†
"... the good news is that Adam's impermeable metallic carcass prevented the radioactive contamination of the area. The bad news..." Giles sighs and glances at Faith. "I'm afraid Faith's... um, amazing superhero qualities have attracted the attention of powerful government organizations. The Initiative scientists have dissected Adam's brain and came to the conclusion that it was Faith’s looks that destroyed him. She managed to succeed where everybody else had failed. Now the American government wants to use her as the ultimate weapon of destruction and distraction."
Faith stares at him, concerned. "Weapon against whom?"
"I suspect, against everything that moves."
†
"No way, guys. I don't want to be a weapon."
Buffy hugs her. "We can protect you, Faith. We'll fight."
Faith snorts. "You're going to fight against the American government? It's a fight nobody can win."
"Faith, you should talk directly to the American President," Xander declares. "We’ll create our own Justice League!"
"Our own Monica Lewinski case, you mean," Anya retorts.
"I could do a global de-lusting spell," Willow muses. "The very notion of lust would cease to exist... but I'm afraid it could aggravate the demographic crisis."
"I see only one way," Giles says. "Faith has to disappear."
†
"Swell idea, Giles!" Buffy, Angel and Spike exclaim in unison.
"We'll travel across the globe together, we'll fight the good fight," Buffy says. "I'll show you the world, Faith..."
"Sorry, Buffy," Giles says. "You stay in Sunnydale. It’s your Slayer duty."
"I'll take care of Faith," Angel says. "Los-Angeles is the best place for romantic superheroes clad in black leather..."
"Los-Angeles is swarming with paparazzi," Giles counters. "Faith's cover will be blown within hours."
"Faith, I..." Spike starts.
"Don’t even think about it, Spike," Buffy says. "I need you here to sort out the thing about the Slayer and vampires..."
†
Alone. Free. Ready for adventures.
Faith walks down the street, a knapsack on her shoulder. Pity she can't stay with her friends. Poor Buffy, patrolling her stupid Hellmouth. Hopefully Spike will teach her a lesson or two, and by the time Faith gets back to Sunnydale Buffy will be ready for a real relationship.
Faith thumbs a ride and a leather-clad biker immediately stops alongside her. He looks familiar.
"Faith?"
He takes off his helmet. It's Wesley, exuding boyish charm and badass cool. She wouldn't mind riding this biker.
"Where to?" he asks, starting the engine.
"Where the fun is."