Misunderstood
AN- Cookie-and-brownie points for those who can discern the vague references to a song in this fic. Repeatedly.
More than anything, Lucifer understands. He understands why Mike was so driven, why Cas was so broken, and he hated that he could do nothing about it.
None of them understood.
He loved them. So, so much.
There was a reason he had been the angel of light. His entire being pulsed with love, but that betrayal had warped it into something dark…something sinister.
He could remember the pain when Michael cast him from heaven. Not the pain of an angel falling, but the pain of a brother who was betrayed by the brother he loved the most.
None of them would ever understand why he did what he did.
Because he was the devil, he was bad.
But none of them could see the shattered man-angel behind his vessel’s blue eyes.
The sad man, whose only desire was for someone, ANYONE , to understand that he wasn’t as empty as they all believed. Not in the way they believed he was, anyway.
He was empty, yes. But they thought he had no dreams of his own. He did. They weren’t empty like they believed his morals to be.
All those years in that Cage, he had dreamed of going back to Heaven, to his brothers, Home. Heaven was never Home for him, his brothers were. Little Gabriel, Quiet Raphael, Slightly-annoying Balthazar, Oddball Worshipper Uriel, Confused Castiel and most of all…his big brother Michael.
Michael and Lucifer, despite what everyone thought, had been on actual good terms with each other in the beginning. Lucifer was doted upon by his big brother. And then Michael changed. He became more and more Father-oriented, and Lucifer was alone. All those fights, the arguments, they were only so Michael would come back to him. To regain his Love.
But instead, his brother had cast him out.
And in the process destroy him
He spent his whole life, telling lies, being hated for something he had no control over, and within him, the Lucifer who had loved so shamelessly faded away till there was nothing…just an empty shell of an angel who was so misunderstood that he ended up making the wrong choices…over and over again.
And now, he was lonely. Alone in a world where he never would belong. He would never be a Demon, never an Angel, and most definitely not Human. He was Lucifer, the angel who loved, whose love was warped by his Father and Brother into bittersweet vengeance.
And so he pleads, he begs, he prays to the Father who destroyed him and his faith with one overpowering blow. He begs He who made him, with what he could only see as the intent to create the Devil. He tears himself apart, begging his Father to grant him his one and only wish.
Help the Winchesters and Castiel stop him before his fist collides with Michael’s face.
Help the Winchesters and Castiel make sure that he never received even on piece of good news, to make sure he never felt joy over winning a war he never wanted to be a part of.
Help the Winchesters and Castiel stop him before he did something so evil that he would spend his eternity, his immortal life, regretting.
Help the Winchesters and Castiel, because out of us all, little Castiel deserves to be happy and warm…even if it is at my expense.
And when he stands in front of Michael, and Castiel reappears, he is filled with gratefulness. They will stop him. Help him end his play-acting. Because inside he is sobbing. Wailing as he makes Castiel explode, raging as he watches his beloved brother burn, regretting killing his little Gabriel.
And they do. Sam and Dean and their disturbing, almost incestuous, codependency make Sam grow more powerful. Not powerful enough, but enough to allow Lucifer to recede without giving rise to suspicions.
And he is sent to the Cage again.
With poor Michael as a co-passenger.
Again he feels regret.
And he curses.
Because now Michael will have to go through it. This was not what he wanted. Nor did he want Sam and Adam to suffer because of his annoying insufferable Father’s inability to do right by anyone.
But he can say nothing, and can only defend himself as Michael attacks him in the cage again and again.
Tears roll down, despair, and finally Lucifer is broken.
Congratulations Father. Its finally happened. This is what you wanted, right? Well, great. You’ve finally done it. I’m torn apart.
He doesn’t try to reason with his brother. Tell him the words he should say. Because, like Michael, he has a role. And no one, not even his brother who knows him better than anyone, is willing to see the Lucifer inside.
Because nobody understands what it feels like to be Lucifer.
He had been betrayed.
Forced into an unwanted role.
Destroyed by the love that should have given him life.
Ripped apart by the brother who had raised him from a fledgling to a powerful angel.
And forsaken by the Father who he had always unconditionally loved, looked up to and relied on for centuries, despite everything that had happened.
Now, Lucifer would give anything to give up his grace now. Even if it meant being a human, an ‘abortion’ whose beauty made his stomach turn in a mix of desire and nausea. Nausea because he knew that they would keep on trying, because they were dispensable. Tragically so.
For once, Lucifer wanted to be happy.
But that could never happen. Because he was Lucifer.
Satan.
Devil.
Evil.
The Lost Brother.
The Black Sheep.
Broken.
Tear-stained.
Betrayed.
Forsaken.
Destroyed.
Empty.
Misunderstood.