[FIC] The End Is Forever Nigh (Arthur/Merlin; R)

[merlinmusesmod]

Author/Artist/Vidder: Anon
Title: The End Is Forever Nigh
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Merlin/Arthur
Rating: R
Summary: In a life threatening situation, Merlin and Arthur confess the feelings they've always had for each other. What happens when they survive and are forced to deal with the consequences of their confession?
Warnings (if any): Sexual content, explicit language, mild violence, threat and minor injuries.
Total Word Count/Length: 9,760
Original prompt number: 45 - Submitted by xthursdaynextx
Disclaimer: This story/artwork is based on characters and situations created and owned by the BBC and Shine TV. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Author's/Artist's/Vidder's notes (if any): I’d like to thank a certain friend, who shall remain nameless for secrecy reasons, for all her help, as always and my beta who can’t be named yet but who did an amazing job. This is set relatively early on in canon, pre-Gwen.
Beta(s): Anon

( Read on AO3 )

Arthur skidded to a halt, his heart thumping and the silence deafening. It was too quiet; all he could hear was the blood rushing in his head and his breath tearing itself from his lungs. Too quiet.

"Merlin!" he shouted, looking about him and seeing nothing. No Saxons, but no Merlin either. "Merlin!"

Arthur was just about to start running back in the direction of danger, like an idiot for his idiot of a manservant, when he heard a scrambling sound from a ditch a few yards back.

"Fell over," Merlin shouted back by way of explanation, clawing his way back to his feet. Arthur just looked at him in disbelief, shaking his head and counting the steps until he could start running again.

"Let's give the horses a rest, you said, let's stop for lunch," Arthur said, each word a strain where he hadn't quite caught his breath. "Oh look, there's a fire in the distance, they probably have food. You complete and utter..."

"Run!" Merlin shouted, ducking just as an arrow flew over his head.

Arthur pulled a face, saving his insult for later and choosing instead to do as Merlin suggested. He pushed Merlin in front of him so that if he fell again, he would be able to drag him back to his feet. Trees flickered in the corners of his eye as he passed them, making him feel dizzy. Until the line of trees broke into a clearing, a clearing with a...

"Cave!" Arthur shouted. His throat burned as he tried to breathe and speak at the same time.

"What good will that do? We'll just end up trapped," Merlin argued but headed toward it all the same.

"If they follow us," Arthur tried, taking in another breath. "We can fight."

"There's dozens of them!" Merlin stopped dead, Arthur nearly colliding with his back.

"In there, the press of the walls will mean they have to fight us one on one," Arthur explained, having been told the theory several times while learning battle strategies from his father.

"I don't like it," Merlin said, with a shake of his head.

"Do you have any better ideas?"

Merlin paused, looking at the cave entrance. Perhaps with a dozen knights they could fight out in the open like this, but in the cave, it might be more even. They might stand half a chance, even if only one of them had a sword.

"Alright then," Arthur said, taking Merlin's silence as assent. He grabbed hold of his jacket and pulled him into the cave.

It took their eyes a while to adjust to the dark; something Arthur hoped would hinder their foes as well. In the silence of the cave, everything was amplified, the sound of heavy breathing, pounding hearts, even Arthur's thoughts sounded loud inside his head, he was sure Merlin could hear them.

He was thinking he should say something now, in the lull, before the fight descended upon them. With the knights he would thank them for their service, for risking their lives, but that was something already sworn between them. Merlin had made no such promises, and to draw attention to the fact that they would probably be killed seemed cruel. Perhaps he could just thank him for his service overall, thank him for always being there, despite everything. Maybe if this was it, he could finally admit that it was more than that. He was more than a servant. He was a friend. More than that even. The only friend he truly had. The only person he inherently trusted and liked and the one with whom he wanted to spend time. The only person who he wished would never be in a situation like this and yet, if he were to die, the one he needed beside him. The man he had somehow found himself loving.

The screams of men looking for blood pulled him out of his thoughts, with each of those thoughts on the tip of his tongue but none making it any further.

"Sire, if this goes badly..." Merlin started, about to say something he'd said once before, that if he had to use magic to get them out of this, he would but he didn't want Arthur to think any less of him. But Arthur shushed him before he could finish.

"Merlin...." Arthur started, but he'd run out of time, the Saxons had caught up with them. He found the back of Merlin's head with his gloved hand, wishing he wasn't wearing it so that he could feel Merlin's hair beneath his fingers. He pulled him closer, meaning to hug him or muss up his hair, something that could be brushed off as grudging affection should they by slim chance live through this. But instead he pressed a kiss to Merlin's forehead, unable to hold himself back when reason told him they wouldn't live through this. Merlin gave him a strange look, but not one that said he’d done the wrong thing. Oddly, it was a look that made him want to push his luck further, even as the light at the front of the cave dimmed.

“Merlin, if this does go badly, I want you to know... I know I make fun of you and call you names and treat you terribly sometimes...”

“No arguments here,” Merlin said but he didn’t shrug Arthur off, he didn’t stop him in his confession.

“But I only do that because you’re my servant and I can’t...” Arthur paused, putting as much weight on his rushed words as he could. “I can’t let you know how I really feel.”

Arthur glanced towards the oncoming tide of Saxons and cursed them; he wanted to scream at them to give him one God damn moment so he could die without feeling guilty of his own prattish behaviour.

“I know,” Merlin said, making Arthur turn his head back to him so fast he nearly strained his neck.

“How could you possibly know? I’ve only just worked it out!” Arthur said, the press of time making him wish he hadn’t said a word. They should have had all the time in the world to discuss this properly, not a moment snatched before battle.

“I know because I do the exact same thing, you see,” Merlin said, grabbing Arthur’s head like Arthur had done a moment before and kissed him, not on the forehead but on the lips, just for the briefest second because their time had really had run out, there wasn’t another moment to be had.

Arthur stood, dumbfounded for a second but the swing of a sword soon put an end to that. He pulled his sword free, stepping in front of Merlin; he’d rather die a hundred times himself than see Merlin harmed. He didn’t even have a sword. He was defenceless. And that made Arthur all the more determined, hacking away at anything in range and coming back with a red sword, dragging Merlin by his shirt, keeping him behind him always. They got turned around somehow, in Arthur’s effort to keep Merlin against the side of the cave, and they were almost at the entrance again.

“We could run again?” Arthur asked, kicking a fallen foe from his sword. They were still outnumbered, even though Arthur had taken down each one that had approached so far. In the darkness he counted twelve still advancing. Four dead on the ground.

“They’d just catch us,” Merlin answered, the pessimism in his voice stabbing at Arthur’s heart like he was stabbing at the enemy.

“They might,” Arthur agreed, his body starting to feel the toll of the run, the fight, the stress of danger.

“Arthur.”

Arthur felt Merlin pull himself free of his grip, his shirt slipping through his fingers. Then there was a hand on his back and in his hair, pulling him roughly back. For a heartbeat he thought he had been caught and restrained but to his surprise, it was Merlin’s hands that were pulling him back, towards the sunlight. Merlin pulled his head back further, yanking almost painfully but it was nothing because for another few seconds Merlin was kissing him, too desperately like a man on the brink of martyrdom. And then he was thrown backwards, falling, hitting the ground and rolling until he was clear of the cave. He got to on his hands and knees, half dazed and feeling like he’d been thrown from a horse, not by his, apparently stronger than he looked, manservant.

The ground was spinning beneath him and when he looked up the world pitched back and forth. He saw rocks fall and heard men scream but it wasn’t until he heard Merlin’s voice among them that he realised what it was and what it mean. A rock fall. Merlin was trapped with them all.

“MERLIN!” Arthur tried to stand but instead of rising from the ground, the ground came up to meet him, smacking him in the face and blotting out the world.

-x-

Arthur screwed his eyes up; a furious light was assaulting his closed eyelids. That would be Merlin with the curtains. Any moment now he’d be shouting rise and shine in an unbearably cheerful voice.

“Merlin...” Arthur said, after too much silence.

Something wasn’t right. There was a sharp tang in his mouth that reminded him of blood and there was an earthy smell to his pillow. He opened his eyes, greeted by sunlight and soil and trees and a screaming head.

“Merlin,” he said again, remembering what had happened. He rolled onto his back, staring up at the sky, trying to get up. He could feel a dozen different bruises forming under his skin and he was sure he’d hit his head on something solid but he had to get up, he had to save Merlin.

He pushed against the ground, pushing himself up onto his elbows and then further, turning until he could get his knees underneath him and then his feet. He stood, stumbling forward but not losing his balance.

“Merlin!” Arthur shouted at the pile of rocks sealing up the entrance to the cave, taking the few steps back up to them and then banging his fists against them. “Merlin!”

Silence. Not a sound. No Saxons. No Merlin. Nothing.

Arthur turned, pressing his back to the stone and sliding down it. He closed his eyes, trying to hold it together and work out a plan but his mind just kept coming back to Merlin, trapped in there with them with only his own dropped sword to protect him. How long had he lasted? Minutes? Less?

Arthur took in a shaking breath, only just noticing the tears that had come with his thoughts.

He’d done it on purpose, somehow. He’d seen the first rock fall or something. He’d pushed him from the cave, thrown him even, and gotten trapped in the process. Stupid, idiotic, fucking hero...

“What are you doing?” Merlin’s voice came floating on the air and Arthur opened his eyes. He was greeted by Merlin standing over him, carrying a pile of wood.

“Merlin!” Arthur shouted, jumping to his feet and then stopping short. “I thought you were dead.”

Merlin looked down at himself. “No, not dead.”

“How did you make it out in time?” Arthur asked, grabbing Merlin’s shoulder and pushing him back a step so that he could look him over, make sure he was not harmed. There wasn’t even a scratch on him.

Merlin glanced over Arthur’s shoulder at the wall of fallen rocks. It would not do to tell Arthur that he’d scattered the Saxons in every direction while Arthur had been face down on the ground or that he’d waited until they were both clear to bring the cave roof down on itself. If he’d gotten away with it without being seen, he didn’t see the point of going out of his way to enlighten Arthur. They’d had enough revelations for one day.

“Luck?” he lied with a shrug before changing the topic. “You were out a while, I was starting to worry.”

“I’m fine, I must have hit my head when you...” Arthur stopped, remembering the force with which Merlin had thrown him. “Have you been training with the knights behind my back?”

Merlin looked down at the wood he was carrying, kneeling to make a fire and give himself something to do. He’d thought for a second that Arthur was going to bring up that kiss, the liberty he had taken when he really wasn’t sure what he was going to do or if it would work. He was sure that it would lead to just as many awkward questions as Arthur’s confession was raising in his own mind.

“Must be all the work I do for you,” Merlin said, lying again, focusing his attention on the two bits of flint he’d pulled from his bag, lighting the fire with ease. Between the two of them, they could stage a ball with the way they were dancing around what had happened.

“Must be,” Arthur agreed, something not quite sitting right. Something in the ease of how Merlin was deflecting questions, not asking any of his own, like for example, did they just admit to having feelings for each other back there?

“We’ll have to stay here for the night,” Merlin announced, frowning at the sky. “Without the horses we aren’t going to make it very far before dark.”

"I suppose," Arthur agreed, attempting to bend so he could sit down and hissing at the effort. Had the alternative not been getting crushed in the fall of rocks, he would have blamed Merlin for the pain he was in.

"May I?" Merlin asked, standing, satisfied the fire would not go out.

"May you what?" Arthur asked, caught off guard by Merlin actually asking politely for something.

"You've been dropping that shoulder ever since you stood up and you’re not breathing right, you've probably cracked a rib or two," Merlin said, walking around him and reaching for the buckles on his shoulder-plate, the one covering his hurt shoulder.

"You mean you cracked one of my ribs. Or two," Arthur grimaced as Merlin pulled the metal away. He didn't mind being hurt, he could cope quite well with it in fact but when Merlin started poking at something, looking concerned but brushing it off as nothing, that really bothered him.

But much to his surprise, Merlin stayed silent, coming round to face him again, his fingers oddly gentle as they pulled off Arthur's empty sword belt and his hauberk. Even more to Arthur's surprise, he found that bothered him just as much.

"You're being... different," Arthur declared.

"So are you, you're not making a fuss and insisting you're fine. And you are actually standing still for once," Merlin answered, not once taking his eyes from the strings of Arthur's gambeson.

Arthur shifted his balance on purpose, moving so that Merlin would look up at him out of habit. He was sure Merlin's sudden detached behaviour had very little to do with his standing still. When Merlin looked up, as Arthur had known he would, he decided to broach the matter.

"If this is about what I said in the cave..." Arthur started but when he paused, Merlin interrupted him.

"You didn't mean it," Merlin answered pre-emptively for him, certain that was what Arthur wanted to say, certain that he didn't really feel like that about him, it was just something stupid said in the heat of the moment. He retreated behind Arthur's back, sliding the gambeson from his shoulders as carefully as he could, hiding his disappointment. They would have had to talk about it sooner or later, sooner was better, he told himself.

Arthur didn't know what to say. It had been such a weight off of his shoulder to actually say it out loud, that he felt things for Merlin...that he had actual feelings for Merlin. He didn't want to take it all back just yet. But then, he hadn't expected to live, either. He hadn't thought they'd end up having this conversation at all. On some level, as soon as he'd seen Merlin had survived, he'd known he'd have to take it all back. It would be unfeasible to have a servant who thought his master was in love with him and it would be plain painful for Merlin to think he was constantly pining over him. And he'd always known nothing could ever come of it. Even if Merlin had been interested, which Arthur was sure he wasn't from the cold, dismissive tone of his voice; nothing could come of it because his father would never allow it. The kingdom wouldn't stand for it. And he was sure that should be important to him.

"Right?" Merlin prompted him, not sure how much longer he could stay out of Arthur's eye line. He'd much rather not have his silly daydreams dashed right to his face.

"Right," Arthur said with a sigh, already hating having to lie again.

Merlin blinked, folding the gambeson and placing it on top of the pile, wasting time until he was sure nothing showed on his face.

Arthur looked up from the ground, just in time to catch Merlin in the corner of his eye, coming to stand in front of him again. He put on his best blank face, the one usually saved for when he was pretending to pay attention at tedious council meetings. He lifted his arms for Merlin to pull his shirt off, wincing in pain despite his attempts not to feel it.

Merlin dropped Arthur's shirt, his eyes going straight to his chest and the few cuts and scrapes, the red hue of the skin over his ribs. They hadn't begun to bruise yet but it was only a matter of time. Merlin ran his fingers over them, pulling away when Arthur hissed again, like he had when he'd tried to bend.

Arthur closed his eyes, trying not to let Merlin's poking fingers get to him, neither the pain nor the promise of a fleeting touch. They'd already put that one to rest, Arthur hadn't meant what he said but as far as Merlin was concerned, he had and Merlin had been quick enough to dismiss it for the both of them.

"That will need a salve," Merlin pointed out, seemingly to himself.

"Are they broken?" Arthur asked and Merlin pressed his fingers in again, this time almost brutally. Arthur knew it was just the pain making it seem worse that it was but he couldn't help but wish Merlin had a gentler touch. Or perhaps he wished Merlin would touch him more gently, he didn’t know anymore.

"No, I don't think so," Merlin answered when he couldn't feel any obvious change in the smooth flat of Arthur's chest. "Just bruised."

"Then I don't need your strange herbal concoctions," Arthur said, again sure that wasn't what he really meant. He really should have said then I don't need you rubbing whatever that stuff is into my chest under the pretence that I think it will make me feel better...

"It will help," Merlin said, adamant. "And it will keep the swelling down; if we're walking all the way back..." he trailed off, leaving it up to Arthur to decide if he wanted to keep being stubborn in the face of at least a whole day's walk, more if they couldn't go at full speed.

"Alright," Arthur said, giving in. He told himself it was to shut Merlin up faster, but he couldn't deny he liked the small smile of triumph, barely on his lips for a second, before Merlin turned to fetch the salve from his bag.

Merlin pulled the cork from the bottle; it was a standard remedy to ease bruising, one that they always carried with them, just in case. While his back was turned, he added a little magic to it, just to take as much of the pain away from Arthur as he could.

He turned back, noticing that Arthur was watching him with a close eye, making him slightly nervous. He should know better than to be that careless with magic around Arthur, it had just somewhat grown into a habit when trying to save his life. Both of their lives.

"It'll be cold, I'm sorry," Merlin said, as if that was any explanation for why he'd hesitated.

"Just do it, Merlin, if you insist on it."

Merlin nodded, pouring some of the herbal paste onto his fingers and bringing them up to Arthur's skin, smoothing it over the worst of his injuries. He tried his best not to feel guilty. He could have just said look out or he could have carried him, although he wouldn't like to try that against Arthur's will, but on the spur of the moment, all he could think about was protecting Arthur. And he did that the only way he could think of at the time, by making sure he was as far away from that cave as possible. And should things have gone wrong, he'd needed him far enough away that he wouldn't have come storming back to try and save his life.

It didn't matter now though, it had all gone to plan, it had all worked out. Well, almost all. He berated himself for that kiss, those two kisses, even as he was running his hands over Arthur's chest, lost in his own thoughts. All Arthur had been trying to do was apologise for being an ass but he just had to run with it, to hear it as being reciprocation of his own feelings. Arthur was right, he was an idiot sometimes.

"Merlin?" Arthur prompted, bringing Merlin's attention back to what he was doing.

"Hmm?"

"I think that's enough now."

Merlin blinked, staring at Arthur's chest, well and truly salved by that point.

"It'll do," Merlin agreed, trying to make his mistake look intentional. He glanced down at his hands and tried to recall if they'd heard running water while they were running. Giving up on the idea, he wiped them on his own shirt before picking up Arthur's.

"Here," he said, standing up on his tiptoes so that Arthur didn't have to bend again, not wanting to cause him any unnecessary pain. "Sleep in just that, the metal will just irritate it."

Arthur nodded, it wasn't quite night yet but he was so tired, he felt like he had been awake for days. Merlin seemed to read his mind.

"I'll take the first watch, you get some rest."

-x-

Arthur woke suddenly, a pain running through his side where he'd rolled onto the bruised ribs. Hours must have passed because it was dark, the only light coming from their fire and the moon, high in the black sky. Arthur moved himself back onto his other side, coming face to face with Merlin. So much for the first watch, he thought to himself. But Arthur couldn't be angry; chances were he'd tried to stay up all night so that he wouldn't have had to wake him. It was sweet. Stupid, but sweet.

Arthur sighed, putting himself on his back and trying to ignore Merlin's breathing beside him. He had to stop thinking like that. It would do neither one of them good. Not that thinking had ever done him any good. He'd spent the whole time Merlin was applying those god forsaken herbs onto his skin thinking he shouldn't be enjoying it. But had his body been listening to all his thinking? Decidedly not.

Arthur rolled his eyes at himself; even the mere memory was making his blood stir. Was this what he would be reduced to? Getting hard at every innocent touch and thinking about them later when he was alone? Arthur dismissed the notion. He wasn't alone; he was out in the open, right beside Merlin. He wasn't that careless.

Merlin shifted in his sleep, like he knew he was being stared at, thought about. Arthur guiltily redirected his gaze to the dark sky. His mind drifted back to the events of the day: he was sure there was something he was missing, something at the back of his mind, like a half remembered dream. Like for half a moment, he'd wanted something so badly he could almost taste it, almost feel Merlin on his lips.

Merlin moved again, this time closer, until he was a hair's breadth away, until Arthur could actually feel his breath against his skin. Arthur sat up, his chest screaming at him but he couldn't stay still for a second more. Trust Merlin to be able to taunt him even in his sleep.

Almost like he'd heard Arthur's thoughts, Merlin stirred.

"Merlin?" Arthur said, turning, deciding to take advantage of his dazed state while he was caught between being awake and asleep. He could take this chance to resolve the haze of his memories, the memory of Merlin against his mouth.

"Mmm?" Merlin asked, without opening his eyes.

"Did you kiss me?" he asked. Once he said it out loud, he was sure that he had imagined it, that his mind was messing with him. He'd probably just hit his head a little too hard.

"Mmm," Merlin said again, stretching out like a cat, almost languidly. "It seemed like the right thing to do at the time."

Arthur frowned, almost reaching out to wake him properly, to ask what the hell that meant. Right thing at the time. Did that mean he regretted it now?

"Alright. Go back to sleep," he said instead, glancing around and deciding he wasn't likely to get back to sleep himself. "I'll take this watch."

-x-

"Arthur?"

Arthur was startled awake at the sound of his name. He couldn't remember falling asleep, but he must have, because the sun was up and the birds were singing and Merlin was shaking him.

"We should get going," Merlin said by way of explanation.

Arthur nodded and tried to rise, his ribs telling him that he would much rather stay where he was.

"Here," Merlin said, standing and offering him a hand.

Arthur almost laughed, like Merlin could pull him up. But then the day before had been full of surprises, so he took Merlin's hand and let himself be dragged to his feet.

"Thank you," Arthur said, his voice still rough with sleep.

"Don't mention it," Merlin said with a shrug.

Arthur frowned to himself, wondering if that should become his new family motto. Arthur Pendragon; don't mention it. Don't mention your feelings, don't mention your confessions, don't mention the fact that the object of your affections kissed you when you confessed said feelings.

Merlin had packed their things up and destroyed the remnants of their fire as Arthur put his mail back on as best as he could. They started walking in silence, Arthur still trying to work out all his various aches and pains. Not to mention the way his mind was trying to work out what in God's name was happening to his life. He'd told Merlin. Merlin had kissed him. For a moment he'd thought Merlin had sacrificed himself for him. And then...nothing. It was all brushed off, like dust left to settle too long. But then again, it had been him to brush it away. But that was because Merlin's reaction to it. But then surely his initial reaction had been to kiss him. Oh for fuck’s sake.

"Merlin?" Arthur said aloud, unable to turn it over in his head any longer.

"Yes?" Merlin asked when Arthur didn't launch into a complaint straight away.

"Do you remember what I said yesterday?"

"You said a lot yesterday, do you care to be more specific?" Merlin said, although he could guess what Arthur was referring to.

"Yesterday in the cave," Arthur clarified, feeling his cheeks start to burn. Why was it in the face of death, he could say anything, spill the contents of his heart, but in the light of day, he couldn't even be straight with him.

"Be more specific." He was reaching now, he knew exactly what they were talking about it but was still trying to hopelessly pretend he didn't. Perhaps if he feigned ignorance long enough, Arthur would drop it and they wouldn't have to go through it all again, he wouldn't have to suffer through yet another denial.

"When I said I might have feelings for you," Arthur turned his head, saying it instead to the tree he was walking past, just in case Merlin looked back at him.

"Oh yes, that," Merlin sighed, giving up any hope of making it any further without having to talk about it again.

"I didn't mean it," Arthur said, his mind having wandered slightly trying to analyse every reply he got.

"Yes, I know, you said."

"No, I mean...when I said I didn't mean it...that's what I didn't mean," Arthur said, again cursing his inability to just say something simply.

"You didn't mean that you didn't mean it?"

Arthur pulled a face, trying to keep up. "...yes?"

"So, you did mean it?" Merlin asked again, confusing Arthur even more.

"I meant what I said in the cave," Arthur said, desperate enough to be out of the circle Merlin seemed to be turning him in to actually say what he meant.

"Then why did you say you didn't?"

"I didn't, you did," Arthur said, his patience with himself starting to wear thin. Why couldn't he just come out and say it; Merlin, I like you.

"I asked if that's what you meant."

"You implied that's what you wanted me to say," Arthur protested, wishing he hadn’t said anything at all now.

“Fairly sure I didn’t,” Merlin said despite knowing that what Arthur had said was at least partly true. It wasn’t that he’d wanted Arthur to deny it, he’d just thrown himself to that conclusion rather adamantly. Perhaps, if he was honest with himself, he had cut Arthur off too soon, made him think that he didn’t want to hear him. But that was because he hadn’t wanted to hear him, not if it he hadn’t meant it. In hindsight, he realised he probably should have let Arthur talk.

“Forget it,” Arthur huffed, giving up and missing any deeper meaning to what Merlin said. “Forget I said anything.”

“Arthur...” Merlin tried, but Arthur just pushed past him, storming off as best he could given the open wilderness.

-x-

Arthur wasn’t angry at Merlin. Well, he was, but not in any real way that he could explain to him. He was more angry with himself. He was supposed to be a prince, king someday and yet in the course of one day, he’d admitted his weakness and then retracted it, even though he was sure he felt stronger for having it out in the open. And was that his idea? Was it a tactical decision? No, it was on the words of said weakness who then had the good grace to inform him that all that had been in his head, he’d imagined the whole thing.

Hours had passed since Merlin had last tried shouting after him. He was now walking about ten paces behind, the closest thing to giving Arthur his space as he could manage without risking losing him.

It had taken Arthur that long to turn his irrational feelings back into logical thinking. Twice now he’d told Merlin his feelings and twice Merlin had somehow made him take it all back, without even explicitly saying he wanted them taken back. It was infuriating, really.

What was more infuriating was the fact he seemed completely unable to just stop walking, turn around and say something about it. Anything. Anything at all. But he couldn’t, he just kept walking, seething at himself.

“Arthur, wait,” Merlin called out to him and Arthur stopped in his tracks, hoping that it wasn’t danger or the call of nature. Hoping that maybe, just maybe, they could actually talk about it properly like they were both fully functioning adults.

“Yes, Merlin?” Arthur said when Merlin didn’t actually say why he’d wanted him to wait.

“I can hear water,” Merlin said finally and Arthur turned, trying not to be disappointed. After all, the only skin they’d managed to keep hold of had run out earlier that morning. Arthur nodded, turning so he could follow Merlin and his unnaturally acute sense of hearing.

The water turned out to be a river, and a deep one at that. Merlin hesitated at its banks, like he was considering his options. Arthur could swear he’d never seen someone make such a fuss at the prospect of a little cold water.

“You should bathe that wound,” he said, finally taking his eyes from the water.

“What?” Arthur asked, not expecting the suggestion.

“A bit of cold water, it’ll do you good,” Merlin crouched down, dipping his hand in the water like it was a bath.

“You have got to be joking, I’m not getting in that,” Arthur said, aware of the hypocrisy of his previous thoughts. Although he hadn’t been asking Merlin to actually get in the water.

“It’ll increase your blood flow; stop your ribs from swelling. I’ve heard Gaius recommend it to several of your knights,” Merlin turned to face him, almost like he was daring him to shy away from something his knights would do. In actuality, he wasn’t lying; he really did want to stop Arthur’s ribs from hurting him.

“Fine,” Arthur said, biting the inside of his lip to try and keep his pride in check. He reached to unbuckle his belt, pointless now that he’d misplaced his sword. Merlin nodded, as if all this hadn’t been his idea and stepped back towards him, reaching to help with his mail.

Arthur shivered, left just in his shirt and trousers. “If I catch a chill, I will make sure you get one too.”

“Is that your way of asking me to join you?” Merlin said, allowing himself to be jovial for the first time since the cave.

“No,” Arthur said, knowing full well it would be difficult enough as it was without company. “I can manage from here, thank you.”

Arthur raised his eyebrows, waiting for Merlin to turn his back. Usually he wouldn’t have bothered; they didn’t usually but something about being out in the open made him feel vulnerable. Or perhaps yet again that was something he could blame on the way he’d shared his feelings like a girl the day before. Merlin shrugged and turned, looking up at the sky and distracting himself by watching the birds.

Arthur pulled his shirt over his head, used to the pain in his ribs by now; each movement just felt like Merlin’s prodding fingers, digging in just a little too hard. Arthur shook his head, now was certainly not the time for thoughts like that, not when Merlin could glance back at any second. He loosened the laces on his breeches, his fingers clumsy because it was something Merlin usually did for him. He looked up to make sure Merlin’s back was still turned before letting go of his last item of clothing and approaching the water.

Merlin smiled to himself when he heard Arthur curse and took that as a sign he could safely turn around. He almost laughed when he saw him, knee deep in the water and walking through it like he was trying to fight it. Merlin reckoned if he still had his sword that would be exactly what he’d do. Merlin considered shouting to him, telling him how hilarious he looked just to see him flap some more, but he’d gotten the impression earlier that Arthur was a fraying rope, likely to snap at the littlest thing. He knew he wasn’t helping, ducking Arthur’s questions and pretending he was completely indifferent to the whole thing but...he had to be. He couldn’t risk something like that happening again if he wanted to keep his job. And at the very least, he needed that job to be close to Arthur, to make sure his destiny panned out like the fates intended.

If he thought Arthur would just swallow his pride, or perhaps his stubbornness, and actually discuss it with him, then he wouldn’t be so reluctant. But Arthur could never do anything the easy way, he would just keep on running from his feelings until he was sure they couldn’t hurt him. Like in the cave. Like the night before when he’d thought Merlin was asleep. Or like now, when a large body of cold water and a lack of clothing would keep him from running. Perhaps now was the perfect time...

“Arthur?” Merlin shouted before he could convince himself that it was a bad idea.

“What?” Arthur said, turning, now waist high in the water and doing a bad job of trying not to shiver.

“Last night, why did you ask me if I kissed you?”

Arthur stared, dumbfounded. It wasn’t that he didn’t think it was possible that Merlin would remember his questions but...

“Now? You want to talk about this...now?!” Arthur shouted, incredulous. “Merlin!”

“It’s as good a time as any,” Merlin said, unfazed by Arthur’s yelling. He hadn’t left the water, that was the main thing.

“I’m freezing my bollocks off and you want to talk about my feelings?” Arthur shouted again and Merlin noticed the jump from him talking about the kiss to Arthur bringing up his feelings.

“Do you want to talk about your feelings?” Merlin asked, doing his best to make it look like he was asking rather than taking Arthur’s lead.

“Merlin...” Arthur said, all the fight going out of him in one breath.

“Would you like me to talk about my feelings?”

Arthur sighed, wishing he wasn’t up to his elbows in a numbingly cold river so that he could just give in, collapse on the ground and wait for this all to go away but if he did that, it was likely he’d drown. So he nodded, preparing himself for being let down easy, for an explanation of why he’d wanted the whole thing dismissed and why he’d thought it was a good idea at the time.

“I like you,” Merlin shrugged, making it all look so easy. “When you’re not being an ass, you can actually be a really lovely person. Brave and noble, true to yourself. You have a good heart, Arthur, somewhere under all the bossiness and the showing off. And I sometimes like to think that it wouldn’t be so bad to be in love with that heart.”

Arthur opened his mouth, wanting to return all of Merlin’s sentiments, tell him how loyal he was, how selfless, how he couldn’t ask for anyone better to have by his side but Merlin beat him to it again.

“But then I remember who you are. And I don’t mean that in a bad way, it’s not your fault,” Merlin smiled at him, a touch of the bitterness in his voice. “But you are who you are and someone like you could never be with someone like me. Even if you wanted to, it would never be allowed.”

Arthur blinked, stunned into silence and numb in a way that had nothing to do with the water. None of these ideas were new to him, it was like hearing his own thoughts repeated back to him but hearing them come from Merlin somehow hurt him more than feeling it himself.

“So, I kissed you in the cave. Because when we were about to be killed anyway, it didn’t matter who we were,” Merlin smiled at the memory, only vaguely thinking it was a bit twisted to think back fondly at a time where he had nearly been torn to shreds. “But we weren’t killed and now we have to go back. You don’t have to worry, I’m not under some delusion that a few words and a badly thought out kiss would change things.”

Arthur didn’t know what to say. For the second time in two days he felt like he really should say something but he couldn’t think of anything good enough.

“So, there you go, now you don’t have to tell me anything. Because I know,” Merlin looked down, too aware of how one-sided this talk had become, like a confession of his own. “That should be enough cold water now, I’ll see if I can catch us some lunch while you dry off,” Merlin turned on his heel, trudging back up the river bank.

“Merlin!” Arthur called after him, once again cursing the water he was in.

-x-

Merlin walked back towards the river, carrying two rabbits he’d managed to ensnare. He was trying to work out how he planned to actually cook them with no kitchenware to his name but that kept getting overwhelmed by his thoughts of Arthur. Guilt for leaving him to cope on his own. Guilt for burdening him with his feelings on top of whatever it was that Arthur was trying to deal with. Guilt for having those feelings in the first place. Perhaps he should have just said to the Saxons don’t bother, I’m going to die of embarrassment later anyway.

He was surprised to find Arthur sat on the river bank, fully dressed again, just staring out over the water.

“I caught us some rabbits, though I don’t know how we’re going to cook them,” Merlin said, opting to pretend nothing had happened.

Arthur turned, startled by Merlin’s approach as though he’d been thinking about him so hard that he’d just appeared by sheer force of will. He didn’t know what to do or what to say. Merlin wasn’t wrong; the kingdom would never deem them to be suitable friends let alone anything more. But it wasn’t as simple as that, not now he knew that Merlin was having the same thoughts, the same feelings.

“Do you still have that little tiny knife on you?” Arthur asked, dismissing his thoughts.

“I should do,” Merlin said, glancing down at his bag, still sitting where he’d left it. Also to his surprise, the water skin had been refilled.

“I’ll skin them, you start a fire,” Arthur offered, getting up and sitting back down further away from the river’s edge, barely noticing the pain since his uncomfortable swim. Merlin had been right about that as well.

The longer they worked in silence, the easier it was, until Merlin was convinced he was doing the right thing by letting it be forgotten. Arthur had likewise convinced himself that no good would be done by opening his mouth and ruining it all.

So, they sat in silence for a while and it wasn’t awkward at all.

-x-

By the time they'd turned the rabbits into something edible and eaten them, the sun had vanished, leaving them walking under a miserable sky heavy with the threat of rain.

"Do you think they'll be looking for us?" Merlin asked, sorely missing the luxuries of sitting on a horse and having an easy supply of food, a blanket to sleep under, a friend to distract him from Arthur.

"Probably not. If they sent out a search party every time I let you lead me into trouble, there would never be a knight in Camelot," Arthur said, with a dismissive shake of his head. Not that it mattered, by the time they sent one out, they'd be near enough home anyway.

"But you're the prince; shouldn't they be at least a little bit worried?"

"Yes, well, like an idiot I told them I'd be fine because-" Arthur paused, not sure he should admit what he'd said, not when they were only just getting back on track. "Because I'd be with you and you'd make sure nothing happened to me."

"Really? You really think that?" Merlin asked, more than slightly surprised.

"That's not reassuring," Arthur said, though deep down he knew Merlin's disbelief wasn't in his own loyalty but in Arthur's recognition of it.

"It's really not, is it? I mean, your life in my hands..." Merlin trailed off, smiling to himself at the irony.

"Perhaps you're right, you'd probably drop it," Arthur said, taking Merlin's smile as encouragement that they were falling back into their old habits. Which should have been a good thing, he knew, it should be filling him with relief that this whole sorry business was done with. But for some reason he couldn't even name, he felt like he was losing something rather than regaining it.

-x-

"We're not going to make it back tonight," Arthur declared, a few hours later. The sun had dipped in the sky, it wasn't dark quite yet and Merlin gave him a look.

"We're nearly home, just a few more hours," Merlin said, looking about him and recognizing a few distinct trees and paths.

"I'm not traipsing about in the dark with you, you'll end up twisting your ankle or something equally trivial," Arthur said, his hand rising to his ribs. They were starting to pain him again, but that wasn't what made him want to stop. He didn’t want to go back, not quite yet.

"Of course, how are you feeling?" Merlin said guiltily, like he'd forgotten about Arthur's injuries. Somewhere between setting their feelings straight and trying to ignore them, they'd both forgotten about the simpler pains in life, such as tiredness and hunger, the ache of walking for hours on sore feet.

"I just need to rest, they'll be fine," Arthur said, knowing they could be much worse, if he hadn't let Merlin play physician with him. "Gaius has obviously trained you well."

"Could you tell him that? I swear every minute that I'm not running around after you, I'm being pushed into one book or another," Merlin said, despite the fact that one book was full of spells that he used to save Arthur's life and the other book full of things to help heal the things he couldn't save him from. He was actually starting to appreciate the extra knowledge, but it wouldn't do to miss a chance to complain. Arthur might start to suspect something if Merlin didn't grumble every so often.

"Considering the speed in which you get things done, I highly doubt you do any running around after me," Arthur said, glancing around, hoping to find somewhere that looked at least mildly comfortable to sleep. In the end, both directions looked the same so he started walking towards the woods nearest him, leaving Merlin to follow him.

"I was running after you yesterday," Merlin pointed out.

"That was your fault."

Merlin shrugged, giving up a losing battle.

They settled in a clearing. It wasn't ideal, but it was far enough from the path that they should go unnoticed in the event of another attack.

"Do you want me to see if I can find us some dinner?" Merlin asked, as he made his way around the clearing, picking up firewood.

"No, I think I got two whole bites off those rabbits earlier," Arthur said, recalling the disaster that had been lunch. It wasn't worth another attempt, not when they'd be back to home cooking tomorrow morning.

"Perhaps I could get a deer..." Merlin said to himself.

"Merlin, how are you going to catch us a deer? I don't rate your chances with a crossbow, let alone with your bare hands,” Arthur said, looking at him sideways and taking a seat on the ground.

“Yes, good point,” Merlin said, reminding himself that he couldn’t just muse aloud, not in front of Arthur. “Perhaps not then.”

By the time Merlin got a fire started, the sun had set and Arthur was starting to feel the cold. It wasn’t winter yet, but there was definitely a chill in the air.

“About time,” Arthur said, even though it hadn’t taken Merlin any longer than usual to talk the flames into sparking to life.

“Sorry,” Merlin said out of habit before looking up and noticing Arthur’s shivering. “It’s the metal; you’d feel the warmth better without it.”

“Yes, so you keep telling me, but if we’re attacked, this fights off an arrow better than linen does alone,” Arthur said, as he had every other time Merlin had tried to convince him he’d be more comfortable without it.

“Yes but given that between the two of us we don’t even have a sword, I don’t think it’ll be the difference between life and death,” Merlin said, choosing not to point out that arrows did still pierce mail, even if not as easily. “And you were fine last night,” he added.

Arthur sighed; he had slept much easier without chainmail digging into his skin. “I suppose you’re right.”

“I usually am,” Merlin said, brushing himself off as he stood.

Arthur made to push himself up as well but Merlin's hand on his shoulder stopped him.

"Don't strain yourself," Merlin said, kneeling behind him and starting on the buckles, making quick work of it. "Do you want to keep this on? You don't have a jacket."

Merlin poked at the thick padding of the gambeson, the only part of the whole knight get-up that he wished he could wear. It looked warm enough to keep out even the harshest winds, but to Merlin's surprise, Arthur shook his head, reaching for the strings.

"Without the mail, it's awkward," Arthur said as Merlin pulled it from his shoulder, flushing as his fingers brushed accidentally against the back of his neck. "And far too hot."

"Alright, there you go," Merlin said, this time not even bothering to get up, instead crawling back to his spot by the fire.

Arthur averted his gaze before his mind got other ideas; he'd already spent one rough night barely sleeping because of Merlin, he didn't want a repeat performance.

-x-

Arthur had volunteered to take first watch, despite begging out of the walk early to supposedly rest. He was still turning his plan over in his head. It was stupid, he knew, and he was fairly certain that it would make everything a hundred times worse, but... Arthur threw the stick he was using to dig into the ground away, strengthening his resolve. He couldn't go back to Camelot with nothing, not after all that had happened. He couldn't let Merlin go back with nothing either. He couldn't let all this be for nothing.

He stood, anticipation fuelling him, burning like fire, making his stomach drop and his palms sweat. The very same feeling he got before a fight. The lure of glory tempered with the possibility of failure.

He knelt down beside Merlin, not wanting to scare him but needing him awake before the idea that this could all go wrong got the better of him. He put his hand on Merlin's chest, shaking gently, placing his other hand over Merlin's mouth in case he should try screaming.

He didn't scream but his eyes went wide in the orange glow of the fire. Arthur shushed him, hoping to sound reassuring. "It's just me."

"Arthur?" Merlin asked the instant Arthur let his hand drop from Merlin's mouth. "What is it?

"I had an idea," Arthur said, not entirely lying. It was just an idea he'd been working on for the better part of the night.

"You woke me up because you had an idea," Merlin said, sitting up with a frown. "I know that's something so rare it should be celebrated, but..."

"Now's not the time," Arthur finished for him. "Yes, I know, but if I don't tell you now, that will be it and we'll be home and there will nothing to be done about it."

"Nothing to be done about what?" Merlin asked, his ability to dig through vagueness not at its peak.

"This," Arthur said, leaning in, pressing himself into Merlin's body as best as he could and brushing his lips against Merlin's, chaste enough so that if it backfired, he would have less to explain.

"I thought we'd talked about this. It wouldn't be allowed," Merlin said, not moving an inch.

"I know but I can't do nothing, not now that I know," Arthur said, his hands finding Merlin's waist.

"You knowing doesn't change anything," Merlin said, shaking his head.

"And me feeling the same, does that not change anything?" Arthur pulled him in closer, until he was sat up straight, almost at a level with Arthur.

"These aren't my rules, Arthur, I can't change them at will and even if you were king, neither could you," Merlin said, his own hands coming to rest on Arthur's knees even though he was still trying to convince them both nothing could happen.

"Just for tonight then," Arthur said, bordering on pleading, although his voice remained calm and even. "Just for one night."

"And in the morning?" Merlin asked, leaning in again, stopping just before their lips met.

"Whatever you want, we can pretend it never happened, just.... just once," Arthur pushed forward, unable to keep himself from closing the gap between them.

Merlin's hands moved up Arthur's legs, over his thighs until they could come to rest on his hips, all reasonable thinking completely abandoned in favour of Arthur's mouth, Arthur's teeth on his bottom lip asking for more.

Arthur’s fingers left his waist, moving up to pull his neckerchief off and push his jacket from his shoulders, as far down as it would go until Merlin gave in and took it off himself, resenting every second that his hands were not on Arthur’s body. He used the distraction to reach for the hem of Arthur’s shirt, immensely thankful that Arthur had let him relieve him of his mail and armour hours earlier.

Arthur winced as he lifted his arms to have his shirt taken from him, turning the pain into determination, mirroring Merlin and taking his shirt from him barely after his own had been discarded. He splayed his hand on Merlin’s chest, appreciating the way his skin seemed to glow in the light of the fire before he guided him down onto his back. He’d thought about this so many times, more times than he cared to admit, but most of the things he dreamed of he couldn’t turn into reality, he didn’t have the means or the knowledge and he didn’t want to ruin the moment by getting it wrong. But there was something he knew how to do, something all his thoughts about Merlin had made him an expert in.

He swung his leg over Merlin’s body, straddling him just below his hips. Merlin propped himself up on his elbows, trying to reach up to kiss him again. Arthur leaned down to meet him, kissing him as his fingers pulled apart the laces on both their breeches. He could feel Merlin’s cock hard against his hand and he couldn’t help but tease him through the material, palming him, smiling when he moaned into the kiss, pushing his hips up underneath him.

Arthur pulled away, needing to focus his attention so could he shove his breeches down just far enough to free his length and then slide a hand into Merlin’s, curling his fist around Merlin’s cock. Merlin lifted his hips as best as he could under Arthur’s weight and pushed his trousers down, matching Arthur, catching on quickly. Arthur moved forward again, one hand seeking out the support of the ground while the other wrapped itself around both their cocks, bringing them together and half holding both. He fell further forward, trying to kiss Merlin and missing, catching the crook of his neck instead and kissing there, nipping gently at the skin and turning it pink as his hand moved over their cocks, feeling everything that he was doing to Merlin himself.

Merlin gave up on propping himself up, letting himself fall back on to the ground, staring up at Arthur and lifting his hand to cover Arthur’s, their fingers interlacing. Arthur smiled down at him and Merlin grinned back, it was almost akin to their banter, a back and forth shared between them, each giving and taking. It was oddly poetic. He didn’t know how he’d give this up come morning. He didn’t want to.

“Arthur...” he started, about to share his thought, ask if this was something they could really turn their backs on, but Arthur’s hand sped up under his own, drowning out any sensible thoughts and replacing them with utter nonsense.

Arthur knew he was close, looking down at Merlin and watching him dissolve into moans not doing anything to slow him down. He could think of a hundred things he wanted to do with him, certain things he’d only heard whispers of between the knights in the armoury or the serving girls in the kitchen but each one of them was shot down by the singular need to see Merlin come, he had to watch him fall apart entirely before his eyes.

He rocked his hips, his cock rubbing against Merlin’s as they both moved under his palm. It almost pushed him over the edge, but he held back and it was worth it to see Merlin writhe in the dirt beneath him, coating Arthur’s hand in come, swearing and shouting his name, the risk of Saxons be damned. His hand already sticky and wet, he barely needed to keep moving it before he was coming himself, his seed mixing with Merlin’s and dripping down onto Merlin’s chest.

Still using the ground as support, he managed to roll off of Merlin before he collapsed on him, landing instead with a thump beside him. He stared up at the sky, the stars blurring until he blinked them back into focus. Despite being starving and cold and the dull ache that was his bruised ribs, he could get used to it, lying under a night sky with Merlin, alone in the world except for themselves, able to do whatever they liked.

“Perhaps we could stay one more day,” Arthur said aloud, turning his head so he could look at Merlin.

“You did say they wouldn’t worry, not if you were with me,” Merlin agreed.

“You could catch that deer like you promised,” Arthur reminded him, his hand nudging against Merlin’s, not quite holding it, just touching, just testing.

“I could join you in that river like you so belligerently suggested,” Merlin laughed, nudging Arthur back.

“Maybe,” Arthur smiled, taking that one final leap and taking Merlin’s hand in his own, hoping for the best when morning came.