(Untitled)

[margokennedy]

without intending to i wrote a giant thing about me me me. looks and difference... i don't think anyone would bother to read this but i do feel compelled to post it, since it is my diary.  i didn't bother most parts to write extremely well.  it's written in usual casual journal style and pretty all over the place.  please do feel free to read

Comments

[noodleynaddles]

i have often felt that otherness as well. i don't know what to say other than that. i am bad at communicating through this medium. i have starved myself millions of times and i can never even drop enough weight so i just end up binging. i feel like as i get older i become more and more invisible to other people. my skin's getting really shitty and so is my hair. i take vitamins and try numerous things but it doesn't seem to help. this is a good place for your to write about it though. i hope you don't think it's weird or creepy that i am replying. haha, being weird and queer and in the lolita community makes me feel like i am on the outside a lot as well. if you ever need a chat or anything let me know. i am in front of a computer way too much.

<3
natalie

[margokennedy]

aw thank you for your sweet comment. i don't think it's creepy at all. i wanted people to read this and perhaps understand. thank-you for reading and commenting. i'm sorry that you too have experience feeling left out.

[rosamajalis]

Your thoughts are beautiful.
I find myself relating to the majority of things you have said here.

[margokennedy]

aw thank-you
it's sad that these feelings i guess are more common than i thought. i guess it's understandable that people who grew up feeling isolated etc would be drawn to lolita fashion?

[rosamajalis]

I guess we don't think it's common because these sorts of feelings just don't get discussed very often. I fear if I were to open up about this sort of thing, I would get urged to see a doctor for some sort of mood medication because it's not considered normal.

[margokennedy]

yeah it's pretty normal for almost everyone to feel some isolation or inadequacy at times and that isn't discussed enough. And even when it is, it isn't discussed in meaningful ways imo. like one of the defining characteristics of modern society (capitalism) is social isolation even...
but i think, though maybe i'm wrong, that some people really experience those feelings a lot more intensely than most do. i remember reading that fumiko imano (japanese photographer) quote that i mentioned, "somehow my entire life has been about being a stranger" and other things she talked about in her interviews and i felt like this was another person who had always felt strange.

anyway i do wonder if it's at least partially something wrong with my brain chemistry, because i remember being afraid of other people/feeling like i didn't belong even when i was a really small child and hadn't afaik received any real negative social attention blahblahblah who knows. i sure do like to talk about myself lately.

[margokennedy]

yeah i definitely see that i project an air of vulnerability and anxiety. this is probably the real reason why i attract so many creepy guys for sure. i also wonder if that's why kind of older (like 20s i mean not the creepy predators) guys tend to like me most, because they find that kind of vulnerability etc to be sweet and endearing or something rather than lame or boring like a lot of younger guys do i think, idk. rabblerabblerabble

[margokennedy]

i dunno i think there's something really strange about me. i really don't understand meanness or aggression or even competition really. this is a pretty ridiculous illustration of that, but here i go. i remember being a little kid and playing for the first time on a girl's softball team and the first day we were all running around the plates. we were all starting at different times and i was second to go. i was a very fast runner, and realized that at my current pace i was going to pass the girl who had started well before me. i intentionally slowed down because i didn't want to make her feel bad

[margokennedy]

it's never good to be different!

[margokennedy]

i'm glad. i'm sad that i came across as shallow at times. sometimes i obviously felt like putting more effort into writing than other times...or maybe sometimes i was even incapable of really writing anything that wasn't shallow for whatever reason (crippling depression and confusion as well as starvation would do it i guess

[margokennedy]

"Anyway, I know people w depression/social anxiety can misread faces. i.e. reading a neutral face as angered/annoyed/disgusted etc.."
i didn't know that. ;o i don't doubt that i've done that though. i always perceive people as having a negative opinion of me, unless they make it really obvious that they don't (smiling etc.)

yeah all of those things we say are strange. i kind of admire japan's honesty and openness about how important looks are. i was confused for a long time.. even the feminists at my college i remember were kind of stuck up about looks. ho hum.