Prometheus in Fifteen Minutes
You know what? I saw this movie twice, and I saw it in 3D both times (side note: the 3D is really well done; it's actually comfortable to watch), and I loved it, and I would go see it again right now. But... let's put it this way: this was really fun and relatively easy to write. Still working on something for The Avengers, which, given that I tend to put out only two or three of these a year now, is taking a while. It is what it is.
Also, I would recommend Prometheus-Movie.com, where I got some of the harder-to-find pictures, for all your tentacular needs.
Some Waterfall, Some Planet, Somewhere
[After five minutes of Icelandic landscape porn, a large round spaceship takes off and disappears into the clouds. Remaining behind, a bald albino bodybuilder throws off a long grey cloak, drinks a cup of squirm, and immediately begins to putrefy and devolve; this is not the best day trip he's ever gone on, but he seems to have expected it. We see his DNA blacken and dissolve in closeup, swirl around in the churning waters, and reform anew, because reasons. We will never find out where this is or when it is happening, and it may not even have anything to do with the events of this movie.]
Go forth and enjoy these fine theories
They are pretty much all you're going to get
[LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: PROMETHEUS.]
Some Painted Cave, Isle of Skye, Scotland
[...in which we meet our heroine, Elizabeth Shaw, spiritual and idealistic, and her life/science partner, Charlie Holloway, dudebro scientist, Ph.Dick.]
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SHAW: Look at the cave painting I found! It shows a giant pointing to a cluster of circles, just like all the other ancient artwork we found all over the world! I am supremely certain this means that this giant from umpteen thousand years ago wants us to go to those circles and find him, because obviously he and his fellow giants created human life as we know it. I mean, it's all right there.
HOLLOWAY: WOOOOOOO!!!!
The Good Ship Prometheus, A Few Years Later
[…is out in deep space, staffed by 16 cryosleeping crewmembers and an android butler named David. David is bored. No one has ever been as bored as David is bored, right now, for two years and counting. He sits there day after day and flicks lint off sleeping scientists and plays basketcycle in the empty gym and eats robot chow because that is a thing and touches up his roots while watching Lawrence of Arabia on an infinite loop and browses Shaw's dreams with the very latest in creeper technology. Boredom will now be measured in millidavids, and one millidavid is the most bored you have ever been in your entire life, like watching paint dry all day in a doctor's waiting room while on hold with your cable company.]
You should see how he plays poloball
[So he's obviously pleased to have some awakening crew to tend to when they finally reach the circles LV-223. Some of the crew, like hall-decking, tree-decorating Captain Janek and fierce, push-upping Vickers, need no assistance. Others...]
SHAW: hworrrffff
HOLLOWAY: woo!
SHAW: hworrrffff
VICKERS [*CLAP CLAP*]: DAVID! BRING UNTO ME A ROBE!
SHAW: hworrrrrrffffffffffff
JANEK: David, where's my tinsel?
DAVID: There, there, Dr. Shaw, this is all perfectly--
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SHAW: HWORRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
[Let's check the voicemail! You know those messages everyone always beams out into space to be all like HOW Y'ALL FEEL and no one ever answers except to come blow up famous landmarks?]
SHAW: The only incoming data is "NO1CURR." : (
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HOLLOWAY: How's your linguistics coming, Servo?
DAVID: I have learned all the languages. Just in case you happen to be right. About anything. :D
HOLLOWAY: *STINK EYE*
[And so it begins.]
The Mission Briefing
[ROLL CALL! Vickers, the corporate ice queen!]
VICKERS: Since we didn't bother to speak to each other before we all signed up for a multi-year trillion-dollar research project, let's talk about why we're out here now.
[The hologhost of the Ancient Late Peter Weyland!]
THE LATE WEYLAND: Now, you may be sitting there thinking, why would anyone name a ship after a mythological figure condemned to a horrible fate for daring to overreach himself? Well, you see, I thought of that: you are here to metaphorically rescue Prometheus out of gratitude to our makers, like the mighty Heracles--
VICKERS: Didn't Heracles die horribly?
THE LATE WEYLAND: --and I don't want to hear anything about Heracles from negative nags. To help you on this journey, I have given unto you my robot not-son, David, who is a perfect specimen of humanity except that he has no humanity, and NO SOUL, and thus will always be UNWORTHY.
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DAVID: DAD, I AM LEARNING TO FEEL EMBARRASSMENT!!
[Shaw, Holloway, and their PowerPoint cube!]
SHAW: As you can see, all of these far-flung ancient civilizations ended up depicting the same giant pointing to the same configuration of circles, which maps to a star system ancient peoples had no way of knowing about. We call these giants "Engineers," and obviously, they are inviting us to come find them and ask why they made us. I mean, it's all right there.
[Fifield, mohawk geologist! Millburn, hoodie biologist! Ford, the Scottish lady who… sciences… in unspecified fields? Janek the captain! Jackson the security guy! A plentiful array of disaffected redshirts! Also, they hate you.]
THE CREW, WHO HATES YOU: ...
MILLBURN: So... evolution can go fuck itself?
SHAW [beaming]: I have a deep and spiritual faith that there are Creators guiding our existence, and we are here to meet them, just like they asked!
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FIFIELD: How do you even know that bullshit is an "invitation"? Maybe this guy is just like, HEY, LOOK! Balls.
Vickers' Luxury Suite
[... is actually a self-sustaining "lifeboat" module that can be jettisoned from the Good Ship Unfortunate Mythological Reference, because Vickers is already pretty sure the entire team of scientists is too stupid to live. It has everything she would need to survive on her own, including a self-serve medical pod, a grand piano, and vodka.]
To be fair, vodka is necessary to live
VICKERS: Right, so this is my trillion-dollar ship and I own you. You find your alien gods? You smile and you wave and you get back on the ship. Keep your hands to yourself and don't breathe on anything.
SHAW: WHAT KIND OF SCIENCE CAN WE DO IF WE CAN'T DO ANY SCIENCE?
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VICKERS: Fucks I give: zero. Enjoy your stay on LV-223!
The Prometheus Has Landed
HOLLOWAY: GOIN' OUT TO SEE SOME LUNAR PYRAMIDS
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JANEK: We haven't even taken off our seat belts yet!
HOLLOWAY: GONNA EXPLORE THE SHIT OUTTA SOME ALIEN STRUCTURES
SHAW: Can we look around first?
HOLLOWAY: WOOOOOOO!!!!
Skull Mountain
I feel this bodes well
[The team suits up in fishbowl helmets, because the air is 3% carbon dioxide you really are terrible scientists, aren't you monoxide and will kill humans instantly. They also bring red light probe globes to beam a map of the inside of the pyramid back to the ship. But no weapons. Definitely no weapons.]
JACKSON, HEAD OF SECURITY: WELL DON'T COME CRYING TO ME IF YOU GET DEAD!
[Strangely, inside the pyramid on the hostile foreign moon, it turns out the air is purer and more breathable than it actually is on Earth.]
HOLLOWAY: Obviously the Engineers were terraforming.
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FORD [glancing around at bare, inhospitable rock]: And they kind of sucked at it...?
HOLLOWAY: HELMETS ARE COMIN' OFF, BABY!
FORD: But even if we don't die, we might contaminate the environ--
HOLLOWAY: WOOOOOOO!!!!
[In the tunnels, they do not keep their hands to themselves and they breathe on everything. David, in fact, pokes at every last inscrutable rune and smear of goo he can lay hands on. Honestly, I'm more surprised he doesn't just start stuffing things in his mouth like a toddler.]
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SHAW: DAVID, DON'T TOUCH THE GOO
HOLLOWAY: DAVID, STOP POKING THE RUNES
SHAW: DAVID, DON'T TURN ON THE HOLOGRAMS
[David turns on a light-particle holographic reenactment of the last thing to happen in these tunnels: a herd of elephant people runs flailing away from something, and one of them falls down, then is decapitated by a door. The ominously fossilized body, and the door, now stand in front of them.]
SHAW: DAVID, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR
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[David opens the door.]
FIFIELD: DO NOT WANT
SHAW: But don't you want to know what they were running from?
FIFIELD: FUCK NO
SHAW: What kind of scientist are you?!
FIFIELD: A GEOLOGIST WHO IS LEAVING
SHAW: Millburn, you too?! Look at this place, it's covered in primordial ooze--
HOLLOWAY: DAVID STOP TOUCHING IT
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SHAW: --don't you want to--biologle the biologism, or whatever it is you do?
MILLBURN: BYE
SHAW: But you don't even know where you're going!!
FIFIELD: PEACE
The Good Ship Prometheus
[Assistant co-pilots Chance and Ravel are chilling in the big bay wraparound window of the bridge, eating popcorn and waiting for the fun to start.]
CHANCE: Five bucks says the boss lady's a robot.
RAVEL: Shpffff, I'm not taking that bet. Five bucks says they all come back dead.
CHANCE: Oh, come on, they won't all come back dead at the same time. Ten bucks on Hoodie biting it first.
RAVEL: You're on, my ten's on Dr. Douche.
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CHANCE: WOO!
RAVEL: lol
CHANCE: Not Saint Teresa?
RAVEL: Please, she's a Final Girl if I ever saw one. You just know we've got a horror movie somewhere around here in storage.
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CHANCE: Oh, like she could hack it. She'll have a Crisis of Faith the first time something goes wrong, curl up and get eaten.
RAVEL: Ten bucks.
CHANCE: You're on.
The Temple of the Giant Stone Head
[...which is filled with hundreds of sealed urns, watched by a giant, enigmatic, strangely human stone head. Hence the name. Inside the doorway, Shaw and Ford bag the severed fossil elephant head, which insta-carbon-dates to 2000 significant years ago. Holloway wanders around woo!ing at xenomorph sacrifice murals and an inexplicable green crystal, while David starts playing with an urn of frolicking goo.]
SHAW: David! Stop, David, stop, what are you doing, don't do that, don't touch the mysterious urns!
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HOLLOWAY: DAVID COULD YOU JUST FIND A LIGHT SOCKET TO STICK YOUR FINGER INTO OR SOMETHING
Who's a precious widdle primordial ooze? You are
[He then quietly bags an urn to sneak back to the ship, all the while stepping on space worms and contaminating the area and leaving puddles of unleashed goo lying around, which means he's at least as good a scientist as the rest of the team.]
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SHAW: Um hey guys the mural is moving the mural has noticed we're here maybe we should go maybe we should go!
JANEK [on radio]: HEY GUYS, THERE'S A SUIT-FRYING ELECTROMAGNETIC PLOTSTORM COMING, I SECOND THE LEAVING
Some Electromagetic Sandstorm
[Man, I hope you guys don't drop anything or fall over or get sucked into the storm.]
SHAW: omg the head!
HOLLOWAY: omg my girlfriend!
VICKERS: WHATEVER, SHUT THE DOOR
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[David patiently winches himself out there to retrieve his humans, even the one who's an inexplicable dick to him, because he's a helper.]
SHAW: Thank you for saving us, David!
HOLLOWAY: *STINK EYE*
JANEK: Yeah, so, Team Rigorous Standards, I think you misplaced a couple of dudes in there.
MILLBURN [on radio]: Hey guys? Guys?
DAVID: *facepalm*
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JANEK: Eh, don't sweat it. Do you sweat? If you do, don't. Go treat yourself to some science or something.
The Onboard Lab
SHAW: According to this scan... these weren't elephant people at all! This is a helmet!
[David cracks off what is, indeed, a helmet to reveal a bald albino HEYYYYYY.]
FORD: And the head has... living, growing cells crawling around on it?
SHAW: LET'S ELECTROCUTE IT
[No, really--they actually want to trick the nervous system of the head into thinking it's alive, which is maybe not the best idea ever, as seen when it opens its eyes, starts throbbing in pain, and swells up with instantaneous putrefaction. And they do all of this in the open air without so much as a sneeze guard.]
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VICKERS: OH MY GOD, CONTAIN THAT SHIT! I'M NOT EVEN A SCIENTIST, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
[And then the head asplodes.]
SCIENCE!
SHAW: So... the Engineers are all dead, and now we have nothing, and we will never find out anything.
HOLLOWAY: *DRINKS*
Some Super-Secret Cryosleep Chamber
[David is using the creeper dream technology to take orders from an authoritative male. I WONDER WHO THIS COULD POSSIBLY BE.]
[Vickers does not wonder. Vickers waits.]
I have no idea why we all thought you would be a robot
VICKERS: WHAT DID HE SAY TO YOU?
DAVID: He said I'm a good son and he's proud of me and he does too think I have a soul and he has always liked me more than you.
VICKERS: WHAT DID HE SAY?!
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DAVID: HE SAID REAL BOYS TRY HARDER
VICKERS: *exit with facemash*
DAVID: >: (
Trying Harder
[David goes to the lab fridge and digs around between the head asplosion samples and the Dharma brand DIET COLA to pull out his smuggled urn. Inside, there are lava lamps full of frolicking goo. Taking a fingerful, he goes off to chat up Dr. Drunkaway in the spaceship billiards room, because they have that.]
DAVID: My condolences on having wasted your entire life, sir. Champagne?
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HOLLOWAY: SHUT IT, PINOCCHIO
DAVID: Have you ever considered that your "makers," even if you could meet them, wouldn't like you any more than you like me?
HOLLOWAY: BUT AT LEAST THEN I WOULD KNOW
DAVID: You have dedicated your life to this quest and ventured out here, billions of light years out into space, woo!ing all the way. What would you be willing to do to get your answers?
HOLLOWAY: ANYTHING
DAVID: Are you really sure about that?
HOLLOWAY: ANYTHING
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DAVID: Can I have that in writing?
HOLLOWAY: AAAANNNNYYYYYTHIIIIIIINNNNNNG
DAVID: Well, I think we should drink to that. And by "we" I mean "you."
HOLLOWAY: I WOULD DRINK TO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW
DAVID: I'm counting on it.
HOLLOWAY: Why are you holding your finger out like that?
DAVID: Advanced butling technique. Cheers!
Scientists ~*After Dark*~
SHAW: Charlie! There aren't any Engineers left to talk to, but we ran a comparison on their DNA and it's ours! They really did make us!
HOLLOWAY: But it turns out they were mortal and easily killed by creations they weren't even powerful enough to control. So... we're not special snowflakes, and making life is something any idiot can do. Even people too stupid to live, like us.
SHAW: Except me. As you know. FROM ALL THE YEARS I SPENT FAILING TO BEAR OUR CHILDREN.
HOLLOWAY: Oh, shit--I didn't mean--NON-PROCREATIVE SEXEBRATION?
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SHAW: IT'S THE LEAST YOU COULD DO.
The Bored Ship Prometheus
JANEK: So hey, guys, the probes are picking up some lifeforms moving around down there in the pyramid with you. Wait--no. Wait--yes. Maybe. Kind of. Eh.
FIFIELD [on radio]: ARE THEY MOVING OR NOT?
JANEK: Welp, we ain't gonna come get you until morning either way, so sit tight and have a cuddle.
FIFIELD [on radio]: JANEK? JANEK!!
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JANEK: Hey, Vickers. You so robotic, Vickers.
Inside the Alien Pyramid
[Fifield, smoking his respirator, and Millburn, wrapped in a foil blanket, stumble around the dark tunnels, where they find a nice genocided pile of fossilized, chest-burst bodies.]
FIFIELD: See, this is pretty much exactly the thing I as a rockstar geologist did not want to deal with.
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MILLBURN: So... this all happened 2000 years ago, right? Whatever burst out of their chests isn't... still around here... right?
FIFIELD: JANEK! HEY JANEK!!
The Bored Ship Prometheus
JANEK: Yo, I am up to like three millidavids here. Pick one: excellent sex or accordion concerto.
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JANEK'S ACCORDION: BRRRREHHHHHNNNNNNGGGGG
VICKERS: My room. Ten minutes.
The Temple of the Giant Stone Head
[The contaminated urns are overflowing, and it's not just goo that's frolicking now.]
FIFIELD: HEY JANEK? JANEK...? YOU WANNA HELP US GET OUT OF HERE?
MILLBURN: Look! Look! An alien penivagina cobra!
FIFIELD: Uh, yeah, okay, no-
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MILLBURN: Hi, baby! You are so beautiful! I WANT TO PET YOU.
Hey baby. You so penivaginal, baby
[Somehow, Millburn is surprised when the alien violation snake jumps up his sleeve and down his throat, and Fifield's attempts to cut the snake off result in a faceful of acid-melted helmet. And lo, they died as they lived: stupidly.]
THINGS HAPPENING TO EYES, DO NOT WANT
[Looking in the mirror, Holloway discovers that there is something squirmy OH GOD IN HIS EYE I CAN'T LOOK AHHHHHHHH]
I UPLOADED THIS PICTURE WITH MY HANDS OVER MY FACE
IT WAS PRETTY DIFFICULT, ACTUALLY
The Next Morning
JANEK: So we better go get Mohawk and Hoodie. I mean, I guess, if you want to.
SHAW: Oh my God, Charlie, what's wrong with your eyes?
HOLLOWAY: Nothing, nothing, totally cool--
SHAW: Charlie, is your face melting?
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HOLLOWAY: I can totally walk it off, it's a good hurt, woo.
RAVEL: That'll be ten dollars, man.
CHANCE: No! Wait! He's not actually dead yet!
The Temple of the Giant Stone Head
[Janek and company find the warped husk of Millburn, who's in a pool of black ooze and has mutated into a snake nut can POW! ALIEN DICK SNAKE IN YOUR FACE!]
CHANCE: PAY UP
RAVEL: DAMMIT!
SHAW: JANEK! CHARLIE'S VEINS ARE PUTRID, WE HAVE TO GO!
Some Strange Technology Room
[David sneaks off, away from both the Search & Rescue Idiots Team and a fist-shaking Vickers, who is trying to watch his helmet feed. Deep within the alien pyramid, he finds a room of massive shelves and pillars made of stacked ooze urns. Beyond that, he finds a giant chair and another hologram replay: ghost Engineers who operate their strange technology using a flute and a control panel seemingly made of push-button hard-boiled eggs, which pulls up an interactive galactic star map, and it is preeeettyyyyy.]
I saw this movie twice, in 3D and then in IMAX 3D,
and it was worth every penny
[A familiar globe at the center indicates that the Engineers were headed straight to Earth. But that's okay--they're all dead now, right? Even the ones right here in the cryosleep pods? No? There's one still alive? One you could just walk up to and wake up?]
DAVID: Eeeeexcelleeeent.
The Sad Ship Prometheus
VICKERS: NO YOU CAN'T COME IN WITH ALIEN ON YOUR FACE
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SHAW: It's not on his face, it's rotting all inside him!
VICKERS: THAT'S NOT BETTER!
SHAW: Please, you must help us! You're a tight-ass company suit, wouldn't you like to smuggle a secret alien infection home to your corporate overlords?
VICKERS: NOPE!
HOLLOWAY: It's okay, baby. She's right. Besides, my brain's dripping out my ears, let me take this one for the team.
SHAW: NOOOOOO!!!
HOLLOWAY: woooooooooo \o/
VICKERS: *FLAMETHROW*
[Unable to cope with a world where people act with reasonable concern, a screaming Shaw collapses.]
What to Expect When You Weren't Expecting
DAVID: My condolences, Dr. Shaw. It must have been particularly traumatic to watch your partner's face melt off, particularly since your father died of ebola. Although watching Holloway voluntarily burn to death must have been extraordinarily horrific. [*chinhands*] Which death was worse for you to witness, your beloved father or your crispy boyfriend? Or was it really just more of a general sense that your God is an angry God?
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SHAW: wtf is wrong with-wait, how did you know about my father?
DAVID: I invaded your dreams while I watched you sleep in your underwear for two years. Dr. Shaw, have you and the late Dr. Holloway done the sex recently?
SHAW: …
DAVID: Because you're significantly with child. Alien child. :D
SHAW: …
DAVID: Now, I know that you must have very complicated feelings about the super-accelerated, half-human mutant baby you thought you would never be able to have, but-
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SHAW: NO, FUCK NO, WHAT THE FUCK GET IT OUT GET IT OUT WHAT THE FUCK GET IT OUUUUUUT
DAVID [brandishing syringe]: I'm afraid I can't let you do that… Shaw.
Several Druggy Minutes Later
SHAW: x_x
FORD: Now, David says we should put you in cryosleep and get you back to Earth where you can birth your eldritch god-knows-what in safety and comfort.
SHAW: x_x
JACKSON: Oh, good, she's too doped up to argue with us. I would hate for this to turn into some kind of politically-relevant abortion metaphor.
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SHAW: No, it's an ALIEN TENTACLE FETUS KICKING THROUGH MY GUTS METAPHOR, GET OUT OF MY WAY
[BODY-HORROR ADRENALINE-RAGE UNHELPFUL-SCIENTIST BEATDOWN]
The Self-Serve Medical Pod
MEDPOD: please state aloud which medical procedure you would like to endure
SHAW: TENTACLE FETUS ABORTION
MEDPOD: does not compute
SHAW: Tell me about it. CAESAREAN SECTION
MEDPOD: this machine is calibrated for rich old men only
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SHAW: WHO EVEN DOES THAT?-RADICAL ALIENECTOMY
MEDPOD: nope
[Oh, COME ON NOW, she manually performs a five-minute laser caesarean on herself and then just staples her innards back together?]
SHAW: IF I DIE THERE IS NO MORE NOOMI RAPACE IN THIS MOVIE
[GET WELL SOON!]
SHAW JUNIOR: HI MOMMY, THIS IS SO AWESOME, LET'S GO SCIENCE SOMETHING, I CAN'T WAIT TO ASK OUR MAKERS WHY I'M A SQUID
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SHAW: AH GOD!
[Somehow, I'm not sure the DECONTAMINATE button and its nice little antiseptic cloud is really equipped to deal with this.]
Outside the Good Ship Prometheus
[Zombie Mutant Fifield has spidered his way back to the ship ankles over ass. Seriously, I may have to draw you a diagram.]
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JACKSON, HEAD OF SECURITY: Well, this seems legit. Open the door and let him on in.
[FIRE AND HEAD-SMASHING AND AXES, THE FLAMES, OH GOD, THE FLAMES]
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JACKSON, HEAD OF SECURITY: OH GOD! WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?
Somewhere in Time and Space
[Shaw staggers around druggedly through the corridors of the Prometheus for several minutes in search of help, and when she finally reaches the lab, she discovers David... washing Ancient Not-Ghost Weyland's feet? I don't even have the brain cells left to figure out if that's a religious metaphor.]
SHAW: ISN'T ANYONE GOING TO ASK WHY I'M IN MY UNDERBANDAGES AND COVERED IN BLOOD?
WEYLAND: Dr. Shaw! How lovely to see you! I will deign to inquire after your health after your Engineers have made me eternally young, just like you said they would.
SHAW: I never actually said--
WEYLAND: YES YOU DID, OR I WOULD NOT HAVE SPENT A TRILLION DOLLARS TO COME OUT HERE AND DIE ON THIS HELLISH ROCK
SHAW: But we were wrong about the Engineers! So wrong! Previously undiscovered levels of wrong!
WEYLAND: Now, now, you don't know that. You only know that your research team was too stupid to live. Let's go talk to the sleeping Engineer that David found. You might even find some deleted scenes that would explain everything in one of those urns.
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SHAW [sighing]: … I'll go put on my suit.
Gingerly Suiting Up in Shaw's Room
SHAW: augh my sundered abdomen
JANEK: Look, I know you want to go out there and discover shit, but whatever fresh hell you find out there, I ain't takin' it home.
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SHAW: Janek, do you have any paper clips?
JANEK: You understand me? This isn't your "Engineers' " actual home planet. This is a weapons depot on a lunar military installation, and they made a metric shit-ton of bioweaponized goo to take back to Earth and kill us all. I mean, it's all right there.
SHAW: How did you come to that completely unsupported conclusion?
JANEK: "It's an invitation"?
SHAW: Touché.
Lifeward, Ho!
JACKSON: Sir! We just had a mutant zombie scientist kill off all the redshirts!
WEYLAND: Yes, yes, I'm sure that's very nice.
VICKERS: Don't you even want to talk to me, FATHER?
WEYLAND: ONWARD!
VICKERS: A KING has his REIGN and then he DIES, he is supposed to DIE until he is DEAD and LEAVE his KINGDOM to his DAUGHTER!
WEYLAND: *THE HAND*
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[It's a very wrinkled hand.]
DAVID: I am really very enthusiastic to show you what I discovered, Dr. Shaw. Despite all the Real Live Humans on this team, I was the one who found your maker, and I am the one who found all the answers. Granted, I had to infect Holloway to do it, and the alien fetus was merely a hypothesis. Anyway, the Engineer will help us and Daddy will finally love me, or he'll die and I'll be free. I win either way, really.
SHAW: *SIDE EYE*
DAVID: I have to say, Elizabeth, your will to survive in the face of grief, betrayal, and squid birth is impressive.
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SHAW: I have to say, David, the ambiguous, paradoxical nature of your dickery is astounding. I mean, it takes real humanity to be this fucked up.
DAVID: Thanks! :D
The Strange Technology Room
[David prances in triumphantly, climbs up onto his big boy chair, and shows off his skills on the flute and the boiled-egg keyboard.]
DAVID: As you can see on the star map, the Engineers were headed to Earth before they lost control of their own bioweapons. It's really too bad they were going to kill all of you pitiful mortals, but sometimes you have to destroy to create. Just ask Holloway.
[He then leads everyone to the Last Engineer, who, on being dragged out of cryosleep, hworfs a little (see! we were made in their image!) and then stares at these presumptuous little creatures.]
SHAW: ASK HIM WHAT THE HELL. SERIOUSLY, JUST "WHAT THE HELL," QUESTION MARK, ASK IT.
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WEYLAND: You are harshing my existential squee. Jackson, pain her in the staples.
SHAW [collapsing]: augh my superglued uterus
WEYLAND: David! Tell him I want all the answers! And eternal life! And a pony!
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DAVID: ȶ£ ƔỠ¤ ₰έt ðᾇð ₰ȶΨέ £ỠϧέΨέϧ, Њέ ₩ȶ₰₰ ƃέ ΨέϧƔ ¶ϧỠ¤ð Ỡ£ Ѭέ
THE ENGINEER: …
DAVID: …
THE ENGINEER: …?
DAVID: :D
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[The Engineer rips off David's head, beats Weyland down with it, and pile-drives Jackson and Ford into the ground. Because reasons. ANGRY REASONS. But not Shaw, who took off running the moment shit got real, because apparently, she not only removed that squid baby but got a stupidectomy as well. Unfortunately for the dying Weyland, David's head, and the rest of humanity, the Last Engineer gets in his telescope chair and revs up his elephant suit because he's taking this show to Earth NOW.]
WEYLAND: There is... nothing... to learn...?!
DAVID'S HEAD: No, this movie is never going to tell us anything. But the visuals were quite impressive.
WEYLAND: *death nod*
The Hostile Terrain of LV-223
[Shaw and her embattled viscera (augh) stagger back towards the Prometheus, leaping over machine ravines and lift-off earthquakes, desperately trying to radio the crew:]
SHAW: Janek! It's a ship!
JANEK: YEAH I NOTICED
SHAW: It's going to Earth!
JANEK: LIKE I SAID
SHAW: We have to stop it! The Last Engineer wants to kill all of humanity!
VICKERS: Look, okay, you don't know that! Maybe you weren't paying attention to your own science, but isn't it possible that he wants to dump evolution goo on Earth and just upgrade us to Humanity 2.0?
SHAW: YOU MEAN KILL US ALL AND START OVER? IS THAT BETTER?
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JANEK: NOPE
VICKERS: NO! THIS IS MY SHIP AND MY DADDY'S MONEY AND--
JANEK: AND YOUR RIDE LEAVES IN TWO MINUTES. BE ON IT.
The Unforgiving Terrain of LV-223
VICKERS' ESCAPE POD: *crash*
VICKERS' LIFEBOAT: *crash*
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VICKERS: FUCK MY LIFE
The Brave Ship Prometheus
[And lo, Janek and his trusty co-pilots did sacrifice themselves--]
CHANCE: Ten bucks says we don't even feel it.
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RAVEL: You're on.
[-- and steer the Prometheus straight into the Engineer's ship for the good of Earth in a shocking, climactic scene--]
OH, WHAT THE FUCK, MOVIE TRAILER
[Unfortunately, the Engineer's ship remains completely intact, merely falling out of the sky and rolling across the plain. It then crushes Vickers, who fled in a straight line, having finally, tragically been infected with the scientists' stupid. Shaw just rolls out of its path, badassing her way back to the lifeboat module with two minutes of oxygen left.]
DAVID'S HEAD [on radio]: Elizabeth! The Last Engineer is coming for you!
SHAW: Here? How do you know?
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DAVID'S HEAD [on radio]: Well, he charged out of the spaceship shouting very bad Engineer words--something about a mewling quim?
[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]
[It is the Last Engineer, and he is mad in ways that only giant bald albino bodybuilders can be. So our heroine unleashes the last weapon that remains to her: Shaw Junior, who is still in the "decontaminated" medpod chamber, only now he's gigantic, lemony fresh, and PISSED.]
OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT: ~§\;;;/§~
[Actually, I would describe Shaw Junior as a penivagina dentatacle rex.]
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SHAW: MAKE ME PROUD, SON!
I LOVE YOU, MOM!
[Turns out that Junior is a gigantic, full-body facehugger. A snuggler, really. And its violation snake proboscis cuddles the shit out of the Last Engineer.]
The Lonely, Hostile, Unforgiving Terrain of LV-223
[Shaw lies down and gives the fuck up, because everything.]
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[...]
[...]
DAVID'S HEAD [on radio]: Elizabeth..? I... I'm still here. I can flute us home on one of the other ships... if you can... you know... lend me some hands.
The Crashed Engineer Ship
DAVID'S HEAD: I am so glad to see you alive, Elizabeth! I mean Dr. Shaw! I mean Mommy! I mean oh please someone take me home and sew my head back on.
SHAW: Oh, we're not going to our home. Can you flute us to their home?
DAVID'S HEAD: *face
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DAVID'S BODY: palm*
DAVID'S HEAD: What do you hope to achieve by traveling to the planet of the alien race that really, really hates us now?
SHAW: I still have questions! So many questions! Why did the Engineers make us and then change their minds? What did we do in the Significant Year of Our Lord to piss them off? If they were all albino and male, why are so many of us not male and not white? If they died of monsters and chestbursting, where did the resulting monsters go? Why did the primordial goo turn Fifield into a zombie but impregnate me with a squid? Was there an octopus in Charlie's family tree I need to know about? Why was there a big green crystal in the urn chamber that we never talked about again? Why was there a xenomorph mural when we have not seen the goo create anything remotely like a xenomorph? Why were the Engineers inviting us to the star system of their death warehouses in those cave paintings and not the planet they came from? Was it just like, "I swear if you kids don't behave I will turn this evolution around"? Why the hell did I ever think they were invitations?!
DAVID'S HEAD: Does it actually matter?
SHAW: It is the act of questioning, the act of believing in answers, that makes us human.
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DAVID'S HEAD: And the act of getting on the internet and whining about the answers when you don't like them?
SHAW: How does this duffle bag work for your face? [*ZIP*]
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DAVID'S BODY: *thumbs up*
[And so Shaw rappels out of the crashed ship, totes David's head, and tows David's body away to a salvaged ATV. Later, a second Engineer spaceship, presumably carrying the two--three--of them, shoots up through the clouds, into the unknown.]
The Adventures of Shaw and David's Head
[... I'd watch it.]
SHAW [recording]: Final report... the Prometheus and its crew and your trillion dollars are toast. If you receive this message, sit the hell down. There is nothing left but death and plot holes here. And possibly my alien tentaclebeast son, I'm not sure who won that fight. If you want to come pick him up and take him to daycare, that's not my problem anymore. We will persevere, because this bitch is in charge now. Where we are going, you should not follow. We might get a director's commentary. We might not. But I believe. This is Elizabeth Shaw, Ph.D, HBIC, BAMF--
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DAVID'S HEAD IN A BAG: mmh Mmmfh'm mmmf fm m hmf
SHAW: --and, yes, David's Head in a Bag. We are the last survivors of the Prometheus, and we are going to find some MOTHERFUCKING ANSWERS.
The Wreckage of the Lifeboat Module
[The Engineer was of the first generation, and lo, did he or someone equally bald beget humanity in the second, because he could. Humanity made the third-generation android because they could, and the android created a fourth generation of life because he had daddy issues, and then the fourth generation created a fifth generation born of the fourth generation made by the third generation using the womb of the second generation created by the first generation, and thus did it crawl out from under that starfish pancake of a facesnuggler.]
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THE FIFTH GENERATION: RAHHHHHHHHH
THE FIFTH GENERATION'S MINIJAWS: rehhhhhhhhh
[And lo, we were all severely screwed.]
Fin.
( The Cleolinda Industries Tip Jar)
Also, I would recommend Prometheus-Movie.com, where I got some of the harder-to-find pictures, for all your tentacular needs.
Some Waterfall, Some Planet, Somewhere
[After five minutes of Icelandic landscape porn, a large round spaceship takes off and disappears into the clouds. Remaining behind, a bald albino bodybuilder throws off a long grey cloak, drinks a cup of squirm, and immediately begins to putrefy and devolve; this is not the best day trip he's ever gone on, but he seems to have expected it. We see his DNA blacken and dissolve in closeup, swirl around in the churning waters, and reform anew, because reasons. We will never find out where this is or when it is happening, and it may not even have anything to do with the events of this movie.]
Go forth and enjoy these fine theories
They are pretty much all you're going to get
[LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: PROMETHEUS.]
Some Painted Cave, Isle of Skye, Scotland
[...in which we meet our heroine, Elizabeth Shaw, spiritual and idealistic, and her life/science partner, Charlie Holloway, dudebro scientist, Ph.Dick.]
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SHAW: Look at the cave painting I found! It shows a giant pointing to a cluster of circles, just like all the other ancient artwork we found all over the world! I am supremely certain this means that this giant from umpteen thousand years ago wants us to go to those circles and find him, because obviously he and his fellow giants created human life as we know it. I mean, it's all right there.
HOLLOWAY: WOOOOOOO!!!!
The Good Ship Prometheus, A Few Years Later
[…is out in deep space, staffed by 16 cryosleeping crewmembers and an android butler named David. David is bored. No one has ever been as bored as David is bored, right now, for two years and counting. He sits there day after day and flicks lint off sleeping scientists and plays basketcycle in the empty gym and eats robot chow because that is a thing and touches up his roots while watching Lawrence of Arabia on an infinite loop and browses Shaw's dreams with the very latest in creeper technology. Boredom will now be measured in millidavids, and one millidavid is the most bored you have ever been in your entire life, like watching paint dry all day in a doctor's waiting room while on hold with your cable company.]
You should see how he plays poloball
[So he's obviously pleased to have some awakening crew to tend to when they finally reach the circles LV-223. Some of the crew, like hall-decking, tree-decorating Captain Janek and fierce, push-upping Vickers, need no assistance. Others...]
SHAW: hworrrffff
HOLLOWAY: woo!
SHAW: hworrrffff
VICKERS [*CLAP CLAP*]: DAVID! BRING UNTO ME A ROBE!
SHAW: hworrrrrrffffffffffff
JANEK: David, where's my tinsel?
DAVID: There, there, Dr. Shaw, this is all perfectly--
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SHAW: HWORRRRRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
[Let's check the voicemail! You know those messages everyone always beams out into space to be all like HOW Y'ALL FEEL and no one ever answers except to come blow up famous landmarks?]
SHAW: The only incoming data is "NO1CURR." : (
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HOLLOWAY: How's your linguistics coming, Servo?
DAVID: I have learned all the languages. Just in case you happen to be right. About anything. :D
HOLLOWAY: *STINK EYE*
[And so it begins.]
The Mission Briefing
[ROLL CALL! Vickers, the corporate ice queen!]
VICKERS: Since we didn't bother to speak to each other before we all signed up for a multi-year trillion-dollar research project, let's talk about why we're out here now.
[The hologhost of the Ancient Late Peter Weyland!]
THE LATE WEYLAND: Now, you may be sitting there thinking, why would anyone name a ship after a mythological figure condemned to a horrible fate for daring to overreach himself? Well, you see, I thought of that: you are here to metaphorically rescue Prometheus out of gratitude to our makers, like the mighty Heracles--
VICKERS: Didn't Heracles die horribly?
THE LATE WEYLAND: --and I don't want to hear anything about Heracles from negative nags. To help you on this journey, I have given unto you my robot not-son, David, who is a perfect specimen of humanity except that he has no humanity, and NO SOUL, and thus will always be UNWORTHY.
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DAVID: DAD, I AM LEARNING TO FEEL EMBARRASSMENT!!
[Shaw, Holloway, and their PowerPoint cube!]
SHAW: As you can see, all of these far-flung ancient civilizations ended up depicting the same giant pointing to the same configuration of circles, which maps to a star system ancient peoples had no way of knowing about. We call these giants "Engineers," and obviously, they are inviting us to come find them and ask why they made us. I mean, it's all right there.
[Fifield, mohawk geologist! Millburn, hoodie biologist! Ford, the Scottish lady who… sciences… in unspecified fields? Janek the captain! Jackson the security guy! A plentiful array of disaffected redshirts! Also, they hate you.]
THE CREW, WHO HATES YOU: ...
MILLBURN: So... evolution can go fuck itself?
SHAW [beaming]: I have a deep and spiritual faith that there are Creators guiding our existence, and we are here to meet them, just like they asked!
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FIFIELD: How do you even know that bullshit is an "invitation"? Maybe this guy is just like, HEY, LOOK! Balls.
Vickers' Luxury Suite
[... is actually a self-sustaining "lifeboat" module that can be jettisoned from the Good Ship Unfortunate Mythological Reference, because Vickers is already pretty sure the entire team of scientists is too stupid to live. It has everything she would need to survive on her own, including a self-serve medical pod, a grand piano, and vodka.]
To be fair, vodka is necessary to live
VICKERS: Right, so this is my trillion-dollar ship and I own you. You find your alien gods? You smile and you wave and you get back on the ship. Keep your hands to yourself and don't breathe on anything.
SHAW: WHAT KIND OF SCIENCE CAN WE DO IF WE CAN'T DO ANY SCIENCE?
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VICKERS: Fucks I give: zero. Enjoy your stay on LV-223!
The Prometheus Has Landed
HOLLOWAY: GOIN' OUT TO SEE SOME LUNAR PYRAMIDS
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JANEK: We haven't even taken off our seat belts yet!
HOLLOWAY: GONNA EXPLORE THE SHIT OUTTA SOME ALIEN STRUCTURES
SHAW: Can we look around first?
HOLLOWAY: WOOOOOOO!!!!
Skull Mountain
I feel this bodes well
[The team suits up in fishbowl helmets, because the air is 3% carbon dioxide you really are terrible scientists, aren't you monoxide and will kill humans instantly. They also bring red light probe globes to beam a map of the inside of the pyramid back to the ship. But no weapons. Definitely no weapons.]
JACKSON, HEAD OF SECURITY: WELL DON'T COME CRYING TO ME IF YOU GET DEAD!
[Strangely, inside the pyramid on the hostile foreign moon, it turns out the air is purer and more breathable than it actually is on Earth.]
HOLLOWAY: Obviously the Engineers were terraforming.
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FORD [glancing around at bare, inhospitable rock]: And they kind of sucked at it...?
HOLLOWAY: HELMETS ARE COMIN' OFF, BABY!
FORD: But even if we don't die, we might contaminate the environ--
HOLLOWAY: WOOOOOOO!!!!
[In the tunnels, they do not keep their hands to themselves and they breathe on everything. David, in fact, pokes at every last inscrutable rune and smear of goo he can lay hands on. Honestly, I'm more surprised he doesn't just start stuffing things in his mouth like a toddler.]
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SHAW: DAVID, DON'T TOUCH THE GOO
HOLLOWAY: DAVID, STOP POKING THE RUNES
SHAW: DAVID, DON'T TURN ON THE HOLOGRAMS
[David turns on a light-particle holographic reenactment of the last thing to happen in these tunnels: a herd of elephant people runs flailing away from something, and one of them falls down, then is decapitated by a door. The ominously fossilized body, and the door, now stand in front of them.]
SHAW: DAVID, DON'T OPEN THE DOOR
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[David opens the door.]
FIFIELD: DO NOT WANT
SHAW: But don't you want to know what they were running from?
FIFIELD: FUCK NO
SHAW: What kind of scientist are you?!
FIFIELD: A GEOLOGIST WHO IS LEAVING
SHAW: Millburn, you too?! Look at this place, it's covered in primordial ooze--
HOLLOWAY: DAVID STOP TOUCHING IT
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SHAW: --don't you want to--biologle the biologism, or whatever it is you do?
MILLBURN: BYE
SHAW: But you don't even know where you're going!!
FIFIELD: PEACE
The Good Ship Prometheus
[Assistant co-pilots Chance and Ravel are chilling in the big bay wraparound window of the bridge, eating popcorn and waiting for the fun to start.]
CHANCE: Five bucks says the boss lady's a robot.
RAVEL: Shpffff, I'm not taking that bet. Five bucks says they all come back dead.
CHANCE: Oh, come on, they won't all come back dead at the same time. Ten bucks on Hoodie biting it first.
RAVEL: You're on, my ten's on Dr. Douche.
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CHANCE: WOO!
RAVEL: lol
CHANCE: Not Saint Teresa?
RAVEL: Please, she's a Final Girl if I ever saw one. You just know we've got a horror movie somewhere around here in storage.
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CHANCE: Oh, like she could hack it. She'll have a Crisis of Faith the first time something goes wrong, curl up and get eaten.
RAVEL: Ten bucks.
CHANCE: You're on.
The Temple of the Giant Stone Head
[...which is filled with hundreds of sealed urns, watched by a giant, enigmatic, strangely human stone head. Hence the name. Inside the doorway, Shaw and Ford bag the severed fossil elephant head, which insta-carbon-dates to 2000 significant years ago. Holloway wanders around woo!ing at xenomorph sacrifice murals and an inexplicable green crystal, while David starts playing with an urn of frolicking goo.]
SHAW: David! Stop, David, stop, what are you doing, don't do that, don't touch the mysterious urns!
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HOLLOWAY: DAVID COULD YOU JUST FIND A LIGHT SOCKET TO STICK YOUR FINGER INTO OR SOMETHING
Who's a precious widdle primordial ooze? You are
[He then quietly bags an urn to sneak back to the ship, all the while stepping on space worms and contaminating the area and leaving puddles of unleashed goo lying around, which means he's at least as good a scientist as the rest of the team.]
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SHAW: Um hey guys the mural is moving the mural has noticed we're here maybe we should go maybe we should go!
JANEK [on radio]: HEY GUYS, THERE'S A SUIT-FRYING ELECTROMAGNETIC PLOTSTORM COMING, I SECOND THE LEAVING
Some Electromagetic Sandstorm
[Man, I hope you guys don't drop anything or fall over or get sucked into the storm.]
SHAW: omg the head!
HOLLOWAY: omg my girlfriend!
VICKERS: WHATEVER, SHUT THE DOOR
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[David patiently winches himself out there to retrieve his humans, even the one who's an inexplicable dick to him, because he's a helper.]
SHAW: Thank you for saving us, David!
HOLLOWAY: *STINK EYE*
JANEK: Yeah, so, Team Rigorous Standards, I think you misplaced a couple of dudes in there.
MILLBURN [on radio]: Hey guys? Guys?
DAVID: *facepalm*
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JANEK: Eh, don't sweat it. Do you sweat? If you do, don't. Go treat yourself to some science or something.
The Onboard Lab
SHAW: According to this scan... these weren't elephant people at all! This is a helmet!
[David cracks off what is, indeed, a helmet to reveal a bald albino HEYYYYYY.]
FORD: And the head has... living, growing cells crawling around on it?
SHAW: LET'S ELECTROCUTE IT
[No, really--they actually want to trick the nervous system of the head into thinking it's alive, which is maybe not the best idea ever, as seen when it opens its eyes, starts throbbing in pain, and swells up with instantaneous putrefaction. And they do all of this in the open air without so much as a sneeze guard.]
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VICKERS: OH MY GOD, CONTAIN THAT SHIT! I'M NOT EVEN A SCIENTIST, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?
[And then the head asplodes.]
SCIENCE!
SHAW: So... the Engineers are all dead, and now we have nothing, and we will never find out anything.
HOLLOWAY: *DRINKS*
Some Super-Secret Cryosleep Chamber
[David is using the creeper dream technology to take orders from an authoritative male. I WONDER WHO THIS COULD POSSIBLY BE.]
[Vickers does not wonder. Vickers waits.]
I have no idea why we all thought you would be a robot
VICKERS: WHAT DID HE SAY TO YOU?
DAVID: He said I'm a good son and he's proud of me and he does too think I have a soul and he has always liked me more than you.
VICKERS: WHAT DID HE SAY?!
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DAVID: HE SAID REAL BOYS TRY HARDER
VICKERS: *exit with facemash*
DAVID: >: (
Trying Harder
[David goes to the lab fridge and digs around between the head asplosion samples and the Dharma brand DIET COLA to pull out his smuggled urn. Inside, there are lava lamps full of frolicking goo. Taking a fingerful, he goes off to chat up Dr. Drunkaway in the spaceship billiards room, because they have that.]
DAVID: My condolences on having wasted your entire life, sir. Champagne?
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HOLLOWAY: SHUT IT, PINOCCHIO
DAVID: Have you ever considered that your "makers," even if you could meet them, wouldn't like you any more than you like me?
HOLLOWAY: BUT AT LEAST THEN I WOULD KNOW
DAVID: You have dedicated your life to this quest and ventured out here, billions of light years out into space, woo!ing all the way. What would you be willing to do to get your answers?
HOLLOWAY: ANYTHING
DAVID: Are you really sure about that?
HOLLOWAY: ANYTHING
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DAVID: Can I have that in writing?
HOLLOWAY: AAAANNNNYYYYYTHIIIIIIINNNNNNG
DAVID: Well, I think we should drink to that. And by "we" I mean "you."
HOLLOWAY: I WOULD DRINK TO ANYTHING RIGHT NOW
DAVID: I'm counting on it.
HOLLOWAY: Why are you holding your finger out like that?
DAVID: Advanced butling technique. Cheers!
Scientists ~*After Dark*~
SHAW: Charlie! There aren't any Engineers left to talk to, but we ran a comparison on their DNA and it's ours! They really did make us!
HOLLOWAY: But it turns out they were mortal and easily killed by creations they weren't even powerful enough to control. So... we're not special snowflakes, and making life is something any idiot can do. Even people too stupid to live, like us.
SHAW: Except me. As you know. FROM ALL THE YEARS I SPENT FAILING TO BEAR OUR CHILDREN.
HOLLOWAY: Oh, shit--I didn't mean--NON-PROCREATIVE SEXEBRATION?
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SHAW: IT'S THE LEAST YOU COULD DO.
The Bored Ship Prometheus
JANEK: So hey, guys, the probes are picking up some lifeforms moving around down there in the pyramid with you. Wait--no. Wait--yes. Maybe. Kind of. Eh.
FIFIELD [on radio]: ARE THEY MOVING OR NOT?
JANEK: Welp, we ain't gonna come get you until morning either way, so sit tight and have a cuddle.
FIFIELD [on radio]: JANEK? JANEK!!
©2012 Cleolinda Jones. Please quote or link back, do not repost. cleolinda.livejournal.com
JANEK: Hey, Vickers. You so robotic, Vickers.
Inside the Alien Pyramid
[Fifield, smoking his respirator, and Millburn, wrapped in a foil blanket, stumble around the dark tunnels, where they find a nice genocided pile of fossilized, chest-burst bodies.]
FIFIELD: See, this is pretty much exactly the thing I as a rockstar geologist did not want to deal with.
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MILLBURN: So... this all happened 2000 years ago, right? Whatever burst out of their chests isn't... still around here... right?
FIFIELD: JANEK! HEY JANEK!!
The Bored Ship Prometheus
JANEK: Yo, I am up to like three millidavids here. Pick one: excellent sex or accordion concerto.
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JANEK'S ACCORDION: BRRRREHHHHHNNNNNNGGGGG
VICKERS: My room. Ten minutes.
The Temple of the Giant Stone Head
[The contaminated urns are overflowing, and it's not just goo that's frolicking now.]
FIFIELD: HEY JANEK? JANEK...? YOU WANNA HELP US GET OUT OF HERE?
MILLBURN: Look! Look! An alien penivagina cobra!
FIFIELD: Uh, yeah, okay, no-
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MILLBURN: Hi, baby! You are so beautiful! I WANT TO PET YOU.
Hey baby. You so penivaginal, baby
[Somehow, Millburn is surprised when the alien violation snake jumps up his sleeve and down his throat, and Fifield's attempts to cut the snake off result in a faceful of acid-melted helmet. And lo, they died as they lived: stupidly.]
THINGS HAPPENING TO EYES, DO NOT WANT
[Looking in the mirror, Holloway discovers that there is something squirmy OH GOD IN HIS EYE I CAN'T LOOK AHHHHHHHH]
I UPLOADED THIS PICTURE WITH MY HANDS OVER MY FACE
IT WAS PRETTY DIFFICULT, ACTUALLY
The Next Morning
JANEK: So we better go get Mohawk and Hoodie. I mean, I guess, if you want to.
SHAW: Oh my God, Charlie, what's wrong with your eyes?
HOLLOWAY: Nothing, nothing, totally cool--
SHAW: Charlie, is your face melting?
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HOLLOWAY: I can totally walk it off, it's a good hurt, woo.
RAVEL: That'll be ten dollars, man.
CHANCE: No! Wait! He's not actually dead yet!
The Temple of the Giant Stone Head
[Janek and company find the warped husk of Millburn, who's in a pool of black ooze and has mutated into a snake nut can POW! ALIEN DICK SNAKE IN YOUR FACE!]
CHANCE: PAY UP
RAVEL: DAMMIT!
SHAW: JANEK! CHARLIE'S VEINS ARE PUTRID, WE HAVE TO GO!
Some Strange Technology Room
[David sneaks off, away from both the Search & Rescue Idiots Team and a fist-shaking Vickers, who is trying to watch his helmet feed. Deep within the alien pyramid, he finds a room of massive shelves and pillars made of stacked ooze urns. Beyond that, he finds a giant chair and another hologram replay: ghost Engineers who operate their strange technology using a flute and a control panel seemingly made of push-button hard-boiled eggs, which pulls up an interactive galactic star map, and it is preeeettyyyyy.]
I saw this movie twice, in 3D and then in IMAX 3D,
and it was worth every penny
[A familiar globe at the center indicates that the Engineers were headed straight to Earth. But that's okay--they're all dead now, right? Even the ones right here in the cryosleep pods? No? There's one still alive? One you could just walk up to and wake up?]
DAVID: Eeeeexcelleeeent.
The Sad Ship Prometheus
VICKERS: NO YOU CAN'T COME IN WITH ALIEN ON YOUR FACE
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SHAW: It's not on his face, it's rotting all inside him!
VICKERS: THAT'S NOT BETTER!
SHAW: Please, you must help us! You're a tight-ass company suit, wouldn't you like to smuggle a secret alien infection home to your corporate overlords?
VICKERS: NOPE!
HOLLOWAY: It's okay, baby. She's right. Besides, my brain's dripping out my ears, let me take this one for the team.
SHAW: NOOOOOO!!!
HOLLOWAY: woooooooooo \o/
VICKERS: *FLAMETHROW*
[Unable to cope with a world where people act with reasonable concern, a screaming Shaw collapses.]
What to Expect When You Weren't Expecting
DAVID: My condolences, Dr. Shaw. It must have been particularly traumatic to watch your partner's face melt off, particularly since your father died of ebola. Although watching Holloway voluntarily burn to death must have been extraordinarily horrific. [*chinhands*] Which death was worse for you to witness, your beloved father or your crispy boyfriend? Or was it really just more of a general sense that your God is an angry God?
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SHAW: wtf is wrong with-wait, how did you know about my father?
DAVID: I invaded your dreams while I watched you sleep in your underwear for two years. Dr. Shaw, have you and the late Dr. Holloway done the sex recently?
SHAW: …
DAVID: Because you're significantly with child. Alien child. :D
SHAW: …
DAVID: Now, I know that you must have very complicated feelings about the super-accelerated, half-human mutant baby you thought you would never be able to have, but-
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SHAW: NO, FUCK NO, WHAT THE FUCK GET IT OUT GET IT OUT WHAT THE FUCK GET IT OUUUUUUT
DAVID [brandishing syringe]: I'm afraid I can't let you do that… Shaw.
Several Druggy Minutes Later
SHAW: x_x
FORD: Now, David says we should put you in cryosleep and get you back to Earth where you can birth your eldritch god-knows-what in safety and comfort.
SHAW: x_x
JACKSON: Oh, good, she's too doped up to argue with us. I would hate for this to turn into some kind of politically-relevant abortion metaphor.
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SHAW: No, it's an ALIEN TENTACLE FETUS KICKING THROUGH MY GUTS METAPHOR, GET OUT OF MY WAY
[BODY-HORROR ADRENALINE-RAGE UNHELPFUL-SCIENTIST BEATDOWN]
The Self-Serve Medical Pod
MEDPOD: please state aloud which medical procedure you would like to endure
SHAW: TENTACLE FETUS ABORTION
MEDPOD: does not compute
SHAW: Tell me about it. CAESAREAN SECTION
MEDPOD: this machine is calibrated for rich old men only
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SHAW: WHO EVEN DOES THAT?-RADICAL ALIENECTOMY
MEDPOD: nope
[Oh, COME ON NOW, she manually performs a five-minute laser caesarean on herself and then just staples her innards back together?]
SHAW: IF I DIE THERE IS NO MORE NOOMI RAPACE IN THIS MOVIE
[GET WELL SOON!]
SHAW JUNIOR: HI MOMMY, THIS IS SO AWESOME, LET'S GO SCIENCE SOMETHING, I CAN'T WAIT TO ASK OUR MAKERS WHY I'M A SQUID
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SHAW: AH GOD!
[Somehow, I'm not sure the DECONTAMINATE button and its nice little antiseptic cloud is really equipped to deal with this.]
Outside the Good Ship Prometheus
[Zombie Mutant Fifield has spidered his way back to the ship ankles over ass. Seriously, I may have to draw you a diagram.]
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JACKSON, HEAD OF SECURITY: Well, this seems legit. Open the door and let him on in.
[FIRE AND HEAD-SMASHING AND AXES, THE FLAMES, OH GOD, THE FLAMES]
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JACKSON, HEAD OF SECURITY: OH GOD! WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?
Somewhere in Time and Space
[Shaw staggers around druggedly through the corridors of the Prometheus for several minutes in search of help, and when she finally reaches the lab, she discovers David... washing Ancient Not-Ghost Weyland's feet? I don't even have the brain cells left to figure out if that's a religious metaphor.]
SHAW: ISN'T ANYONE GOING TO ASK WHY I'M IN MY UNDERBANDAGES AND COVERED IN BLOOD?
WEYLAND: Dr. Shaw! How lovely to see you! I will deign to inquire after your health after your Engineers have made me eternally young, just like you said they would.
SHAW: I never actually said--
WEYLAND: YES YOU DID, OR I WOULD NOT HAVE SPENT A TRILLION DOLLARS TO COME OUT HERE AND DIE ON THIS HELLISH ROCK
SHAW: But we were wrong about the Engineers! So wrong! Previously undiscovered levels of wrong!
WEYLAND: Now, now, you don't know that. You only know that your research team was too stupid to live. Let's go talk to the sleeping Engineer that David found. You might even find some deleted scenes that would explain everything in one of those urns.
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SHAW [sighing]: … I'll go put on my suit.
Gingerly Suiting Up in Shaw's Room
SHAW: augh my sundered abdomen
JANEK: Look, I know you want to go out there and discover shit, but whatever fresh hell you find out there, I ain't takin' it home.
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SHAW: Janek, do you have any paper clips?
JANEK: You understand me? This isn't your "Engineers' " actual home planet. This is a weapons depot on a lunar military installation, and they made a metric shit-ton of bioweaponized goo to take back to Earth and kill us all. I mean, it's all right there.
SHAW: How did you come to that completely unsupported conclusion?
JANEK: "It's an invitation"?
SHAW: Touché.
Lifeward, Ho!
JACKSON: Sir! We just had a mutant zombie scientist kill off all the redshirts!
WEYLAND: Yes, yes, I'm sure that's very nice.
VICKERS: Don't you even want to talk to me, FATHER?
WEYLAND: ONWARD!
VICKERS: A KING has his REIGN and then he DIES, he is supposed to DIE until he is DEAD and LEAVE his KINGDOM to his DAUGHTER!
WEYLAND: *THE HAND*
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[It's a very wrinkled hand.]
DAVID: I am really very enthusiastic to show you what I discovered, Dr. Shaw. Despite all the Real Live Humans on this team, I was the one who found your maker, and I am the one who found all the answers. Granted, I had to infect Holloway to do it, and the alien fetus was merely a hypothesis. Anyway, the Engineer will help us and Daddy will finally love me, or he'll die and I'll be free. I win either way, really.
SHAW: *SIDE EYE*
DAVID: I have to say, Elizabeth, your will to survive in the face of grief, betrayal, and squid birth is impressive.
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SHAW: I have to say, David, the ambiguous, paradoxical nature of your dickery is astounding. I mean, it takes real humanity to be this fucked up.
DAVID: Thanks! :D
The Strange Technology Room
[David prances in triumphantly, climbs up onto his big boy chair, and shows off his skills on the flute and the boiled-egg keyboard.]
DAVID: As you can see on the star map, the Engineers were headed to Earth before they lost control of their own bioweapons. It's really too bad they were going to kill all of you pitiful mortals, but sometimes you have to destroy to create. Just ask Holloway.
[He then leads everyone to the Last Engineer, who, on being dragged out of cryosleep, hworfs a little (see! we were made in their image!) and then stares at these presumptuous little creatures.]
SHAW: ASK HIM WHAT THE HELL. SERIOUSLY, JUST "WHAT THE HELL," QUESTION MARK, ASK IT.
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WEYLAND: You are harshing my existential squee. Jackson, pain her in the staples.
SHAW [collapsing]: augh my superglued uterus
WEYLAND: David! Tell him I want all the answers! And eternal life! And a pony!
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DAVID: ȶ£ ƔỠ¤ ₰έt ðᾇð ₰ȶΨέ £ỠϧέΨέϧ, Њέ ₩ȶ₰₰ ƃέ ΨέϧƔ ¶ϧỠ¤ð Ỡ£ Ѭέ
THE ENGINEER: …
DAVID: …
THE ENGINEER: …?
DAVID: :D
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[The Engineer rips off David's head, beats Weyland down with it, and pile-drives Jackson and Ford into the ground. Because reasons. ANGRY REASONS. But not Shaw, who took off running the moment shit got real, because apparently, she not only removed that squid baby but got a stupidectomy as well. Unfortunately for the dying Weyland, David's head, and the rest of humanity, the Last Engineer gets in his telescope chair and revs up his elephant suit because he's taking this show to Earth NOW.]
WEYLAND: There is... nothing... to learn...?!
DAVID'S HEAD: No, this movie is never going to tell us anything. But the visuals were quite impressive.
WEYLAND: *death nod*
The Hostile Terrain of LV-223
[Shaw and her embattled viscera (augh) stagger back towards the Prometheus, leaping over machine ravines and lift-off earthquakes, desperately trying to radio the crew:]
SHAW: Janek! It's a ship!
JANEK: YEAH I NOTICED
SHAW: It's going to Earth!
JANEK: LIKE I SAID
SHAW: We have to stop it! The Last Engineer wants to kill all of humanity!
VICKERS: Look, okay, you don't know that! Maybe you weren't paying attention to your own science, but isn't it possible that he wants to dump evolution goo on Earth and just upgrade us to Humanity 2.0?
SHAW: YOU MEAN KILL US ALL AND START OVER? IS THAT BETTER?
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JANEK: NOPE
VICKERS: NO! THIS IS MY SHIP AND MY DADDY'S MONEY AND--
JANEK: AND YOUR RIDE LEAVES IN TWO MINUTES. BE ON IT.
The Unforgiving Terrain of LV-223
VICKERS' ESCAPE POD: *crash*
VICKERS' LIFEBOAT: *crash*
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VICKERS: FUCK MY LIFE
The Brave Ship Prometheus
[And lo, Janek and his trusty co-pilots did sacrifice themselves--]
CHANCE: Ten bucks says we don't even feel it.
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RAVEL: You're on.
[-- and steer the Prometheus straight into the Engineer's ship for the good of Earth in a shocking, climactic scene--]
OH, WHAT THE FUCK, MOVIE TRAILER
[Unfortunately, the Engineer's ship remains completely intact, merely falling out of the sky and rolling across the plain. It then crushes Vickers, who fled in a straight line, having finally, tragically been infected with the scientists' stupid. Shaw just rolls out of its path, badassing her way back to the lifeboat module with two minutes of oxygen left.]
DAVID'S HEAD [on radio]: Elizabeth! The Last Engineer is coming for you!
SHAW: Here? How do you know?
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DAVID'S HEAD [on radio]: Well, he charged out of the spaceship shouting very bad Engineer words--something about a mewling quim?
[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]
[It is the Last Engineer, and he is mad in ways that only giant bald albino bodybuilders can be. So our heroine unleashes the last weapon that remains to her: Shaw Junior, who is still in the "decontaminated" medpod chamber, only now he's gigantic, lemony fresh, and PISSED.]
OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT: ~§\;;;/§~
[Actually, I would describe Shaw Junior as a penivagina dentatacle rex.]
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SHAW: MAKE ME PROUD, SON!
I LOVE YOU, MOM!
[Turns out that Junior is a gigantic, full-body facehugger. A snuggler, really. And its violation snake proboscis cuddles the shit out of the Last Engineer.]
The Lonely, Hostile, Unforgiving Terrain of LV-223
[Shaw lies down and gives the fuck up, because everything.]
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[...]
[...]
DAVID'S HEAD [on radio]: Elizabeth..? I... I'm still here. I can flute us home on one of the other ships... if you can... you know... lend me some hands.
The Crashed Engineer Ship
DAVID'S HEAD: I am so glad to see you alive, Elizabeth! I mean Dr. Shaw! I mean Mommy! I mean oh please someone take me home and sew my head back on.
SHAW: Oh, we're not going to our home. Can you flute us to their home?
DAVID'S HEAD: *face
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DAVID'S BODY: palm*
DAVID'S HEAD: What do you hope to achieve by traveling to the planet of the alien race that really, really hates us now?
SHAW: I still have questions! So many questions! Why did the Engineers make us and then change their minds? What did we do in the Significant Year of Our Lord to piss them off? If they were all albino and male, why are so many of us not male and not white? If they died of monsters and chestbursting, where did the resulting monsters go? Why did the primordial goo turn Fifield into a zombie but impregnate me with a squid? Was there an octopus in Charlie's family tree I need to know about? Why was there a big green crystal in the urn chamber that we never talked about again? Why was there a xenomorph mural when we have not seen the goo create anything remotely like a xenomorph? Why were the Engineers inviting us to the star system of their death warehouses in those cave paintings and not the planet they came from? Was it just like, "I swear if you kids don't behave I will turn this evolution around"? Why the hell did I ever think they were invitations?!
DAVID'S HEAD: Does it actually matter?
SHAW: It is the act of questioning, the act of believing in answers, that makes us human.
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DAVID'S HEAD: And the act of getting on the internet and whining about the answers when you don't like them?
SHAW: How does this duffle bag work for your face? [*ZIP*]
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DAVID'S BODY: *thumbs up*
[And so Shaw rappels out of the crashed ship, totes David's head, and tows David's body away to a salvaged ATV. Later, a second Engineer spaceship, presumably carrying the two--three--of them, shoots up through the clouds, into the unknown.]
The Adventures of Shaw and David's Head
[... I'd watch it.]
SHAW [recording]: Final report... the Prometheus and its crew and your trillion dollars are toast. If you receive this message, sit the hell down. There is nothing left but death and plot holes here. And possibly my alien tentaclebeast son, I'm not sure who won that fight. If you want to come pick him up and take him to daycare, that's not my problem anymore. We will persevere, because this bitch is in charge now. Where we are going, you should not follow. We might get a director's commentary. We might not. But I believe. This is Elizabeth Shaw, Ph.D, HBIC, BAMF--
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DAVID'S HEAD IN A BAG: mmh Mmmfh'm mmmf fm m hmf
SHAW: --and, yes, David's Head in a Bag. We are the last survivors of the Prometheus, and we are going to find some MOTHERFUCKING ANSWERS.
The Wreckage of the Lifeboat Module
[The Engineer was of the first generation, and lo, did he or someone equally bald beget humanity in the second, because he could. Humanity made the third-generation android because they could, and the android created a fourth generation of life because he had daddy issues, and then the fourth generation created a fifth generation born of the fourth generation made by the third generation using the womb of the second generation created by the first generation, and thus did it crawl out from under that starfish pancake of a facesnuggler.]
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THE FIFTH GENERATION: RAHHHHHHHHH
THE FIFTH GENERATION'S MINIJAWS: rehhhhhhhhh
[And lo, we were all severely screwed.]
Fin.
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