Although I don't agree with your critique, you made useful and practical suggestions, and have clearly thought your comments through. The way you write suggests that English is your second language. Is this the case? Obviously it's not a problem to write in your second language, I am just curious.
I wasn't keen on your story. The beginning is overwritten and full of cliches. The syntax is stiff, and the tense and point of view keep changing.
“Really, Doctor. The walls are soundproof, the building abandoned. Didn’t you notice the lack of others as we came inside? No. You were too lustful. A rabbit caught by a fox. Entranced.” He checked the straps that held her body to the table. He checked the pans that would catch the fluids she excreted. All the meanwhile she blabbered on. Trying to save herself. She didn’t know what was going on. Didn’t care. He was disappointed. He didn’t benefit her mind, however. He stayed silent, remembering in his mind how they had met. The calmness of his mind informed him of how right he was.There is a lot
( ... )
i disagreed with a lot of points you made in your critique. for example, i love stories that open with dialogue, and yourbitterhero actually has a gift for dialogue so i think it's a brilliant idea for her to begin with it. however i really appreciate the amount of thought you put into your critique, it definitely wasn't superficial.
i agree with starlit_'s comment about not seeing anything new in your story. if you thought of something interesting and freaky he likes to DO with the eyes after he collects them, that might add an interesting spin
( ... )
rejected@loveletters_v1firstredmoonSeptember 8 2008, 22:26:42 UTC
i'm really sorry to have to reject you after 2 votes, but i've already kept your application open longer than the customary 72 hours and it appears the members are awol, so i'm going to have to stamp you.
i'd recommend you stay on as a lurker, and reapply again in a few weeks :)
Comments 4
I wasn't keen on your story. The beginning is overwritten and full of cliches. The syntax is stiff, and the tense and point of view keep changing.
“Really, Doctor. The walls are soundproof, the building abandoned. Didn’t you notice the lack of others as we came inside? No. You were too lustful. A rabbit caught by a fox. Entranced.”
He checked the straps that held her body to the table. He checked the pans that would catch the fluids she excreted. All the meanwhile she blabbered on. Trying to save herself. She didn’t know what was going on. Didn’t care. He was disappointed. He didn’t benefit her mind, however. He stayed silent, remembering in his mind how they had met. The calmness of his mind informed him of how right he was.There is a lot ( ... )
Reply
Reply
i agree with starlit_'s comment about not seeing anything new in your story. if you thought of something interesting and freaky he likes to DO with the eyes after he collects them, that might add an interesting spin ( ... )
Reply
i'd recommend you stay on as a lurker, and reapply again in a few weeks :)
Reply
Leave a comment