Famous Author Kills Beloved Characters in Outing Tragedy

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...and before she was hustled off the stage, the wild-eyed author was reported to have shouted, "And that's not all! Remus was gay! Tonks was gay! Cedric Diggory was gay! Sirius was gay and Snape was gay and Fred was gay, unless it was George! No, Fred! Fred was gay! And George's ear was gay too! And Dobby was a gay, gay elf! And Hedwig! Hedwig was gay, gay, gay! I LOVE MY DEAD GAY CHARACTERS!"

Neither Rowling nor her press representatives were available for comment at press time.