Fic: Behind Every Dark Cloud, There's a Rainbow (Eventually) Part 3

[lissa_ann]

Jensen took a deep breath before telling Tracy, "I'm thinking about getting back in touch with Steve."

"What prompted this?"

"I dunno. The stuff with Jared, maybe?"

"It just seems to be out of the blue."

"I miss Steve. More than I've been able to admit."

"I'm surprised, especially since you don't really talk about this."

"I want him to see I'm better. That I'm not that scared person who went into the psych hospital who wasn't in control of his emotions."

"Do you have any idea how he might react?"

"At this point? No, not really. Six months ago, maybe I'd have had some kind of idea, but now…well, I never expected him to stop talking to me, so I don't know what he might do now."

"While we're on the topic, have you heard from Chris?"

"Yeah, he called last week. He's doing well. Band's getting picked up all over the DC area. He's excited."

"Any chance he might be able to get up here?"

"Didn't ask. He's got his career to focus on."

"You know you're important to him."

"I've been thinking about maybe going down there, checking out the band one weekend."

"I'm sure Chris would be thrilled about that."

"Yeah. I'll have to see. Maybe while we're on break from class. Although I missed a class, I don't want to screw this up. I know it's not for a grade, but I did pay for this class and I want to make sure I get my money's worth for it."

"Do you think you are?"

"Yeah. It's really helped me write, and I think helping me deal with things."

"Good. I am really glad to hear that. I was kind of afraid you might think it was a waste."

"No, I have to admit…this was a good decision."

"Because of Jared?"

"Well, because I'm writing. Jared…well, Jared I guess is an added bonus."

Tracy smiled. "It's good to hear you say that." She put her pad down on the table. "Good work today, Jensen."

"Thanks, Trace."

"See you next week."

With a smile, Jensen left Tracy's office and headed home, where he would finally face a challenge he wasn't looking forward to - calling Steve.



Jensen walked into the classroom to find Jared already there. Jared came up to him and gave him a hug, then apologized. "Sorry, dude. I'm just really glad to see you. I was really kinda nuts and worried." Jensen apologized again to Jared. "Hey, don't worry about it. You're here and that's the important thing."

This was one of the classes where Mr. Ward requested that people read from their journals, working with the prompts he had suggested. He never forced anyone to read, but it was always interesting to see what other people worked with. Jensen didn't really work inside the prompts, only using the one prompt that didn't work out. But the class helped keep him on track. He did scribble down the ideas in case he got stuck again, but getting stuck was only a way to avoid what he needed to talk about.

After class was dismissed, Jensen followed Jared home. Once they got there, Jared ordered the pizza and they got comfortable on the couch.

"So, do you ever use the prompts that Mr. Ward gives us?" Jared asked.

Jensen shrugged. "I tried to do one, and I had a really hard time with it."

"What do you write about then?"

Jensen hesitated. "Stuff."

"Well, of course, stuff. What kind of stuff?"

"Um, Jay…"

"Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to pry. I do that a lot, don't I?"

"Well, it's more because I don't like to talk. You're just asking regular questions."

"I find writing the prompt helps. Gives me a direction to work in. Sometimes it's hard to think of what to write. I mean, I could write about school, but that's why I'm taking the class. So I can journal more personal stuff. I want it to be a record of me where I am at this point in time." He smiled. "Know why I took this class?" Jensen shook his head. "One of my ex's kept a journal. It fascinated me. I never read it…I would never invade his privacy like that…but I found it interesting how he'd take the time, no matter what was going on, to spend that quiet time writing in his journal. I tried to ask him, too, what he wrote about, but he wanted to keep it to himself. He wasn't a private person for the most part, nothing like you, but these were his thoughts, and I kinda understood that once he explained it to me that way."

It was then when the doorbell rang, signaling the arrival of their pizza. "Why don't you get it, Jensen and I'll get the plates and stuff." Jensen nodded, paying the delivery guy and bringing the pizza into the living room. Jared brought in plates, knives and soda. They flipped on the TV and scanned the channels, landing on the History Channel, eating and talking about what they were watching. Once they were done eating, Jared cleared the plates away and they sat in a comfortable quiet. "Hey, pool?" Jared asked. Jensen nodded and they headed down to the furnished basement.

Again, they played best two out of three and while Jared had gotten close, Jensen still beat him. Jensen looked at the time after the last game. "Oh, I gotta bolt."

"Everything okay?"

"Oh, yeah. I, uh…I called Steve."

"Man, that's great!"

"Yeah. We're gonna go out to supper tonight. We have a lot to catch up on."

"Good deal. So, get together tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure, that sounds good. I'll call you in the morning."

"Okay. Later, Jensen."



September 23

I did it. I finally did it. I called Steve.

It was so stupid of me not to call him sooner. He thought I was mad at him and I thought he was mad at me, and it turns out that he was just worried about me and trying to give me some space. He was shocked to hear that I had been suicidal and hurt that I hadn't talked to him about it.

I feel so stupid. I thought he didn't want to talk to me, but he told me he didn't want to push me to talk about things I wasn't ready to talk about. He knew me that well, knew that I would only talk when I had figured it out.

Six months, wasted. How fucking stupid could I be?

At some point, I'll need to introduce Steve to Jared so that Steve can tell him what a handful I am. I think having Steve and Jared get to know each other might be a dangerous step, though. Two people, showing their concern…I don't know what I'd do.

Steve and I are going to get together later today. Nothing big, just supper…but it's gonna be nice. I think we can move forward from where we were when we stopped talking.

I wish there were a way to apologize to him.



September 23

Had a good time with Steve tonight. It was almost as if those six months hadn't existed. We talked and laughed like old times. We did get a little serious, him wanting to know if I was really all right and what the time in the hospital was like. I told him I missed him. He knew I didn't have many friends and he DID try to call when I got home but that was when I wasn't answering my phone, so after a little bit, he gave up, getting the message that I didn't want to talk to him. I told him how things had gone, okay for a little while then how things fell apart while I was there. I told him how my therapist had to leave on emergency medical leave and that my treatment went pretty much downhill from there, but that I was okay enough to be discharged after four weeks of outpatient treatment. Steve had thought about coming up to visit, more than once, but admitted that he felt uncomfortable and was afraid that it might show.

I told him about the class, although I didn't talk about what I was writing about, and I told him about Jared, which he was happy to hear about. He asked after Chris, and I told him how well he was doing.

We hit a bar after we finished eating, watching the baseball game, having a beer.

It was a really great night. When we left, I gave him a hug and told him that I had really missed him and he said he'd missed me too.

I'm glad he's back in my life.



Once Jensen had begun to repair his friendship with Steve, Steve wanted to know more about Jared. Steve had noticed a bit of a difference in Jensen and could only assume it was because of the other man. Jensen also mentioned him occasionally in their conversations.

"Hey Jen?"

"Yeah?"

"How about you introduce me to Jared. I'd really like to meet him, you know, get to know him as another friend in your life. I mean, it's not like you have a ton to begin with. Besides, I need someone to help me whack some sense into you once in a while."

"I don't know, Steve. Jared is…"

"Yes?"

"Overly enthusiastic."

"So? He must be doing something right to be able to keep you as a friend."

"He doesn't really know much about me. Well,…"

"Yeah?"

"He kinda knows about you. Well, that you and I hadn't talked for a while, but not why. He doesn't know the real reason I'm not working. He thinks I'm just taking some time off."

"So when are you going to tell him the truth?"

"NEVER!!" Jensen answered emphatically.

"Jen, he deserves to know."

"Well, he kinda knows that sometimes I hide."

"Great."

"Yeah, he wasn't thrilled about that. He didn't know how to contact me to make sure I was okay. He told me he was worried."

"Bet you didn't believe him."

"Nope. I didn't."

"So wait. You know his phone number and where he lives but he doesn't know anything about you?"

"He doesn't push me."

"There's a difference between not pushing and common courtesy."

"How long did it take you to get my phone number, Steve?"

"Not long - you were on the staff list."

"How long before you got my personal number, not just my home number?

Steve grew quiet for a moment. "True."

"So he's not going to just show up out of nowhere and get my information."

"Not even your home number?"

"I wouldn’t have answered, so there was no point," Jensen said.

Steve sighed. "So what's Tracy think about this?"

"None of your god damn business."

"So, she's encouraging this. Good. Glad to know I'm not the only one."

"Look, I gotta go," Jensen said suddenly.

"Plans with Jared?"

"Uh…no. No…just have some stuff to do."

"Yeah. Okay, Jen, I'll let it go this time. I'm serious about wanting to meet him, though."

"We'll see. Later, Steve."

"Bye, Jen."



The next day, Jensen picked up subs and headed over to Jared's.

"Jay?" he called out.

"Hey, c'mon in! I'm in the kitchen, I'll be out in a sec."

Jensen put the subs down on the coffee table and sat. He had brought over a movie for them to watch and put it down on the table as well.

Jared entered the room. "Hey! How are you doing?"

"I’m doing okay…what's up with you?"

"Not much. Just cleaning up a little bit. Subs? Oh cool!" Jared had a habit of moving from one topic to another pretty quickly, which Jensen had finally gotten used to. They both grabbed a sub and began to eat. "So how did things go with Steve last night?"

"It went good. I didn't realize how much I missed him until we got past all the uncomfortable stuff and just fell back into our natural rhythm."

"That's awesome. Good for you."

"Yeah, actually, I want you to meet him, I think it would be fun for the three of us to hang out together."

"Absolutely! Any friend of yours, et cetera, et cetera. We should all go out one night, hit the bars."

"Well, hitting one bar would be cool. I’m not one for bar hopping."

"Okay, then. I know this great place just on the other side of town, the best wings in the city, promise."

"Cool! I'll call Steve later and we'll find out what days we've got free."

They finished their sandwiches and cleaned up.

"Think you'll ever be able to trust me," Jared started out of nowhere.

"Huh?"

"Well, you know. I still don't know much about you. I don’t know what you're doing right now, I don't know why you're not working right now, I don't know much about your life outside of class and now about Steve. I know you're scared, but…,"

"But what? It's not like I know a ton about you either."

"Fair enough. What would you like to know?"

Jensen sat on the couch. What did he want to know about Jared? He had been thrown for a loop when Jared asked him; he didn't see this conversation coming. He looked hard at Jared. "You said your ex liked journals. What happened?"

Jared's face lit up. "Jason? Jason left me to play baseball. We met in our junior year. He was there on a baseball scholarship and I was here thanks to an academic scholarship. We got together. Then a couple of summers ago, Jason decided to leave school and get signed. He's in the minors right now, A-level ball, none of the glory or glamour, but he's having fun. We keep in touch. We just decided right now that it was just easier for us to break up. He's somewhere in the middle of Arizona. We keep in touch by e-mail."

"Think you'll ever get back together?"

"Nah. We weren't really sure if we were going to stay together or not. I knew what his life would be if he chose to stick with baseball, and I want more stability than that. I want to settle down, become a teacher like I've been planning, work with the talented and gifted. You can't build a good career if you're moving all over the place, and there's just too much uncertainty for me. I mean, he'll always be special to me. I know it sounds cliché, but I honestly mean it. For a brief time, I did think about giving everything up. But I just couldn't do it in the end. I wouldn't have been happy and he knew that and we didn't want to keep each other from being happy."

"Wow. How…healthy."

"Yeah, I’m lucky. Just like I was lucky with Sandy. I don't know what it is, but for some reason, they both ended really well."

"When did you date Sandy?"

"We got together freshman year. I had had a girlfriend in high school, but it was really more to just be accepted. We never had sex, hell, we barely kissed. But everyone was into group dating, you know, going out all together, so it just evened things up. And I gave Sandy a shot when I first got here, because it seemed to be the thing to do. I love Sandy, she's one of my best friends and I wish she hadn't moved to California, but like Jason, she needed to do what she needed to do."

"Why teaching?"

"Why not?" Jared laughed. "No, seriously. Remember I mentioned that my mom's a teacher? She's always been so passionate about it. She loves her kids, loves to work with them, loves to come home and talk about them. She teaches high school English. Not every person would like working with hormonal, moody teenagers, but for some reason, she's just able to get through to them. I want to love my job as much as her, and as I went along, I saw what teaching could be like. I want to work with little kids, kids who are just beginning. It's so awesome to see their faces when they just begin to understand things." He sat back from the edge of the couch. "Okay, your turn."

"What?"

"Why did you disappear for so long? Was it something that I did?"

"No. Like I said, September is a tough month for me."

"Why?"

"A lot of anniversaries. A lot of stuff, not so good stuff, happened in September about two years ago."

"And it still affects you?"

Jensen looked down at the floor. "Yeah. I don't let things go very easily."

"Sounds like it's something you should."

"Doesn't matter if it's good or bad. I can't let go."

"So you let it control your life."

Jensen looked up and hardened his gaze towards Jared. "That's not what happens."

"Seems like that's what happens."

"I gotta go," Jensen said suddenly.

"Hey, hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound like that. Sometimes I don't know how to keep my mouth shut. I guess that's one of the reasons I journal, so it doesn't matter if I get wordy or if I don't know how to say something. C'mon, please don't leave."

Jensen looked towards the door. "This is hard enough for me as it is, Jared."

"I know, and I’m sorry," Jared said softly. "I told you I wouldn’t push you. It's just, I want to know you, Jensen. I want to know who you are and what's happened to make you the way you are. There's nothing wrong with how you are, I just want to know why."

"I'm…," Jensen sighed. "I'm in therapy to help me deal with all of this."

"I'm glad to know you're getting some help. I'm glad you're able to talk to someone about what's going on. Of course, a friend wouldn't cost money - well, maybe you'd have to buy dinner once in a while, but you know." He smiled. "Is it helping?"

"Yeah. I would have been out of contact the whole month if it wasn't."

"I'm happy that's not the case. You know, you really had me worried. And I didn't know where you lived, so I couldn't even make sure you were alright. I can't even tell you how nuts I was."

Jensen ducked his head. "I really am sorry about that. Steve gets like that, too, but of course, he knows where I live so he can come stand outside my door and bang until I eventually have to answer the door before someone calls the police."

"Can I come over sometime?"

"Yeah. I suppose it's only fair."

"You have a hard time with this, don't you?"

"With what?"

"Knowing that people are worried about you, that people care about you."

He let out a long sigh. "I can't see why. I'm not that important. People worry about me then get angry at me and then I can't deal with it."

"You really don't see it?"

Jensen shook his head.

"I wish I could tell you. I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. See what me and Steve see in you. I can't explain it to you. All's I can do is tell you there's something special about you."

"You don't understand."

"Explain it to me."

"I can't."

"You can't, or you won't?"

"What's the difference?" Jensen stood as he said this.

"Why can't you?" Jared also stood, trying to make sure Jensen didn't try to leave.

"Because I don't want to lose your friendship!" he shouted, and then clapped his hand over his mouth.

"Jensen, that's not going to happen, honest. If I was going to bail, I would have done it a long time ago."

"That's what HE told me!!" he cried out, his eyes glassy with unshed tears.

"Hey, hey," Jared's hand grabbed Jensen and pulled him down to the couch. He rubbed Jensen's arm. "Relax. Shhh. It's okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Jen. I didn't mean to keep pushing. I'm sorry." As Jared continued to rub his arm, he pushed the sleeve of his sweatshirt up and noticed thin white lines, on his arm, up and down from his wrist to his elbow. "Jen?"

Jensen noticed that Jared was looking down at the scars there. He pulled the sleeve of his sweatshirt back down to cover it. "Don't." He looked over towards the other side of the room as he tried to keep himself from crying.

Jared continued to rub Jensen's arm, waiting for him to calm down. "Hey, you okay?"

Jensen closed his eyes and shook his head.

"What can I do?"

"Let me go."

"Can't do that, dude. You're in no shape to be driving right now."

"Bathroom?"

"Sure, go ahead." Jensen headed down the hall, rolling his eyes up continuing to keep himself from crying.

Jared sat on the couch, trying to figure out where to go from here. There was something just below the surface that Jensen needed to talk about, but for some reason, he just couldn't get it out. Jared had pushed more than he had wanted to, but this just seemed so fucking important for Jensen to work through. But, he'd respect Jensen. If he wanted to leave when he got himself together, no matter how much Jared wanted him to talk, he'd let him go. Ten minutes passed and Jared was tempted to go tap on the door to check in with him, but realized right now was a critical time for Jensen. He finally heard the door open and Jensen's shuffling steps down the hallway. "Hey," Jared offered.

"I’m sorry, Jared. I shouldn't have gone off like that. I just…I'm not ready to go there yet."

"I don't want to push, but I'd really like to know what you're talking about."

"You've got to give me some space, Jared. I can't do this right now."

Jared stood up close to Jensen. He put his hand on Jensen's shoulder. "It's okay. Please forgive me. I really didn't mean to push you like that."

"You couldn't have known." Jensen pulled his shoulder away from Jared's touch. "Um, I think that maybe I should go for now. I need…I just need to go."

Jared nodded, trying to keep a hurt look off his face. "Whatever you need."

"I'll call."

"When?"

"I'll try to call tomorrow. Just don't push okay? I'll get in touch when I'm ready."

"Okay. Please take care of yourself."

Jensen gave him a short smile, then turned around and walked out.



September 24

Oh, god what a disaster. I knew, I just knew something like this was going to happen. I fell apart in front of Jared today. He just kept pushing and pushing and wouldn't stop! He wouldn’t let up, wanting to know why I am the way I am. How can I explain, make him understand, I'm really not that important, that he's got other things that I'm sure are more important for him to focus on.

God, I came so close to telling him. So close. And then I almost cried!

He wanted me to explain it, and I could almost see it in his eyes that he wouldn't leave. He challenged me, asking me if I couldn't or if I wouldn't. It was both, but I couldn't tell him that because I was too upset, couldn't put my words together even if I had needed to. I just got so upset and flustered and all's I wanted to do was run away from there. Jared wouldn't let me, told me that I wasn't in any shape to drive. And he was right, I have to give him that. But he also gave me time to calm down, alone. He didn't have to do that.

Now…I can't believe I'm going to say this…part of me kinda wants to tell him what happened. Give him the last chance to back away. I wonder what would happen. Would he really throw me out of the house and tell me not to come back? He keeps saying he won't, but as I've mentioned numerous times, I've heard that before and it wasn't meant. And I can't go through that with Jared. I like him. I know, I know. It's an admission I shouldn't make. But I like him. I kinda like him a lot. I wish he'd just take me at face value. It'd be so much easier. Maybe…maybe…



Jared heard a knock on the door. When he opened it, he found Jensen on the other side. "Hey!"

"Um, hey. Can I…can I come in?"

"Of course you can. You're always welcome here, Jensen. Always."

"I'm really sorry about earlier tonight. I wasn't…,"

"It's okay, Jen. I'm surprised to see you back here."

"To be honest, I'm surprised to be back here."

"Want a drink?"

"I would love a drink."

"What can I get you?"

Jensen was torn. He wanted alcohol in the worst way. He knew he shouldn't, but also knew he'd never get through this without it. He snapped to decision. "Wanna do some tequila shots?"

"Sounds like a plan. I've even got limes." Jared went into the kitchen, getting the salt, limes, tequila and shot glasses. He put them down on the table and poured the first shots. "To…,"

"To friends," Jensen offered.

Jared smiled. "Friends." They both did the first shot straight, then fell into the pattern of salt, tequila and lime. "So I still don't understand why you came back."

"Well, I went home and did some writing. That's partially what I use my journal for, to write things out before I share them with anyone. And the more I sat there and wrote, the more I started to think that maybe I wanted to take this chance, maybe I wanted to see if I could trust you. I don't know what it is about you, Jared. I haven't felt like this in a very long time. I haven't felt like I could talk about anything I needed to talk about. Even my therapist Tracy doesn't hear everything. As a matter of fact, when I disappeared, I canceled my appointment with her as well. I pretty much just locked myself into my apartment."

"That's not the way to deal with things, Jen."

"Yeah, I know. And I got an earful from her the next time I saw her. She knew, though. I've been with her long enough for her to know what my patterns are like. I have a real problem asking for help when things are rough. I need to handle things on my own, in my own time…as you've seen." Jared nodded. "I close in on myself when I feel like I can't deal, when I can't talk. Other than the people involved, only two other people know what happened." He paused. "Think you can handle being number three?"

"Do you want me to be?"

Jensen sat and looked at Jared for a minute. "Yeah," he said. "I think I do." He took two shots, and then a deep breath. "I was in the middle of a breakup with my boyfriend. We'd been together for three years, but things started falling apart about two years in. He's an EMT. He'd spend hours at the ambulance corps, hanging out with his friends. And I'd be at home, wondering where in the hell he was, not doing anything until he came home. I'd call when he said he'd be home and he promised he'd be home within the hour most of the time, but then a call would come in, or they'd lose track of time or whatever. So I'd wasted my entire day waiting for him and he didn't think twice about it. If I had lunch or something because I wasn't expecting him to be home, of course he'd come home and then he'd ask me why I didn't wait for him." Jensen took another sip. "The worst was, one time we were going out to dinner and he had his radio on. There was a call, a big accident and he took me on the call with him. I had to sit in the car for an hour and a half while he played EMT. By the time he came back, I was almost ready to tell him that I didn't want to go out to dinner, but he thought that would be a way to apologize to me."

"Wow. Why did you stay with him so long?"

"I was comfortable. It was scary to think of leaving. I didn't want to upset things. Plus, I was afraid I'd never be able to find anyone who could love me again. It was too easy to stay in the patterns we were in.

"Something changed. I couldn’t do it anymore. And then I met someone. And he changed my life, turned things upside down."

"How so?"

"We fell in love and it was nothing like what Kevin and I had. He promised he'd be there with me during the breakup, supporting me, helping me as much as he could. I could cry and vent and rage at him, and he would just listen to me."

"What happened?"

He let out a long sigh. "I went down to stay with him while Kevin, my ex-boyfriend, moved out of the house. We had a big party, lots of people who we all knew from online, people we didn't see very often. It was a great weekend, one of the best I've ever had. But then, once everyone left, he told me I was too emotionally dependent on him and that I needed to back off." Jared could see Jensen starting to tear up. "After living with Kevin for three months after breaking up, being down there the weekend he was moving out, he tells me this. There literally wasn't a worse time that he could tell me this. I wanted to go home in the worst way, but I knew what would await me there if I did. I'd have to deal with Kevin and his moving out and that was just going to be ugly. So I stayed there, miserable for the rest of the time I was there. I was ignored part of the time. And goddamn it hurt so much. So fucking much."

"Jensen, can I give you a hug?"

Jensen gave a brief nod. Jared stood up, and then helped Jensen up. Jared pulled Jensen into a soft hug, not too tight. He slowly rocked Jensen back and forth, then said, "I'm so sorry, Jensen. I'm so sorry that happened to you. It makes sense now why you don't want to make friends. That's terrible. I'm so sorry."

Jensen tried to hold back his tears - he never cried in front of anyone, not even Tracy, but found himself unable to with Jared warm against him. Whether Jared noticed or not, he didn't say anything. Jared just continued to rock him gently, running his fingers through Jensen's hair and telling him that everything was going to be okay. As Jensen's tears stopped, Jared ended the hug and grabbed the Kleenex from the table and handed a couple to Jensen who quickly wiped the drops from his cheeks.

"Wow. Now I see why it was so tough for you to tell me and why you're scared of making friends."

"I'm not usually this much of a mess."

"Hey, it's okay. That sounds like it was a really tough time. I can't imagine people turning on you like that, especially people who say they love you."

"It took me a long time to realize that he has no idea what love is. It just…it hurt so much. And he was the last person I made friends with. Since then…I just can't. I can't."

"You're doing a pretty good job with me. See? Told you I wasn't going anywhere. And none of that was your fault. Don't ever, ever think that."

"Can we stop talking for a little bit?"

"Sure, sure. I know this has been tough for you." Jared smiled like someone had told him he just won the lottery. "Jen, can I say something to you?"

"I don't know," Jensen said with a small smile. "Depends on what you want to say."

"Nothing bad, I promise."

"Okay, go ahead."

"Jen, I have to tell you and I hope you'll really listen. I know you'll have a hard time with this."

"Go ahead."

"You're an incredible person, Jen. So freakin' incredible." Jared grabbed Jensen's hand.

"I don't like crying in front of others. I rarely do it. But, I have to admit…I felt….safe with you. I felt like it was okay. That you wouldn't throw me out."

"Never," Jared answered. "There's nothing you can tell me that would want me to do that." Jared took a sip of coffee. "There's more that I want to tell you, but I don't know if I should."

"You're scaring me a little, Jared."

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to." He squeezed Jensen's hand. "I know we haven't known each other long, but you are so important to me. I can tell how much you've been hurt, and god, I just want to take all of that away from you. I want to show you how incredible friends can be. I want to show you what an incredible friend I can be to you. I want…," Jared stopped.

"What? What do you want?"

"You. I want to show you how special you are, how you deserve so much more than you've been given in the past. I think…," Jared took a deep breath, "I think I might be falling for you."

"What?" Jensen answered, pulling his hand away. Oh, god, no. No, please don't let him say that. I can't.

"I'm sorry, Jen. I can't hide this, though. I want to be with you. I want to be right next to you all the time. I want to protect you, keep you feeling safe, make you feel special, just make you happy, however you'll let me."

"I…oh, god, Jared…I can't…" Jensen stood up and began to pace. "Jared, no, please don't say that. Please, no."

"Jen, why not?"

"I can't. Jared, you can't even understand. There's so much more you don't know about me. I'm so much more broken than you can even imagine. You've just hit the tip of the iceberg. No, Jared, you can't feel like that about me. No, not at all. Please, don't. If it means I have to leave, I will. But you can't. I'll only make your life hell."

Jared stood and moved in front of Jensen, holding him still. "Jen, I don't care. You could tell me anything, and I wouldn't care. I want to know you. I want to know all of you; everything there is to know about you. Please, Jensen, please let me. And let me fall for you."

"I gotta go. I can't do this. No, I can't. I can't." He moved around Jared and headed to the door.

Jared put his hand lightly on Jensen's shoulder and pulled him back into a hug. "Jen, I will never, ever push you. I will be here for you in any way you want. All's I want is to be in your life, and to be your friend if nothing else."

Jensen backed out of the hug. "I gotta go, Jared. I can't stay."

Jared tried to hold back his disappointment. "Please don't be mad at me."

"I…I…sorry, Jared." Jensen ripped open the door and for the second time of the day, ran out to his car.



September 24, evening

No. No. No. This can't be happening. No. Oh, god, it's all going to fall apart. Jared says he's falling for me.

He's got no idea what he's saying. He's got no idea what else he doesn't know. He doesn't know how damaged I am, and when he finds out, he's going to want nothing to do with me. I can't do this.

Yes, I want him. I won't deny that. He is one of the most incredible people I've ever met, so open, so caring and he loves affection. Affection. I haven't had that in so long. I can't even remember the last time I got a hug, even from my family. And god, that hug felt so good. So warm and so caring.

He can't. I can't let him. I can't let him into my world like that. He doesn't deserve to know that darkness. I've got to push him away. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to do that, but still, I need to. Better to hurt him now than to hurt him when he's more involved. It's got to end now.

God, this sucks. I want Jared to be in my life. I think I might even be falling for him myself. But no, he can't. There's too much darkness, too much hell that I will put him through.



"He's falling for me, Trace. Falling for me. I can't let that happen."

"Why not?"

"Because he doesn't know. He doesn't know what I am. He doesn't know what could happen. He doesn't know that I could make his life hell."

"Could, Jensen. That's the operative word. Could. You don't know that that would happen. You don't know what will happen. Maybe you'll be stable for the rest of your life. And if that's the case, why don't you deserve to be with him? Why don't you deserve to share your life with someone?"

"No, Trace. No. I'll fuck it up. I know I will. I always do. Look what happened with Kevin."

"What happened with Kevin wasn't all your fault. He had his problems and issues. It took both of you to break the relationship. And you got out when things got bad. You can't entirely blame yourself for that."

"What if I do something like that to Jared? I'd never be able to live with myself, hurting someone so incredibly open and caring."

"Who's to say that you will hurt him? It's this negative outlook, Jensen, that's the 'what-if'. Why not give it a shot? Why not take that chance? You took the chance with being his friend."

"I can't lose him as a friend. I can't. I need him now."

"Then tell him the truth. Tell him what's going on."

Jensen got up and began to pace. Tracy had never seen him so worked up before.

"Jensen. Jensen, sit down."

"I can't. I've gotta move."

"Jensen, maybe you need to take some medication."

"Ugh. I hate taking medication. I hate the way it makes me feel."

"You need something to calm you down. You're way too wired right now. You're stressed, and you know what that means for you."

"I gotta go, Trace. I gotta figure out. I gotta…," Jensen took a breath. "I've gotta tell him. I've got no choice. He's going to hate me. He's going to tell me he doesn't want anything to do with me again."

"Jensen. Please, take a couple of deep breaths and sit. Don't hyperventilate, though." Jensen finally sat. "You're always going to be at risk…for getting hurt and for hurting someone else. But truthfully, I think if Jared is as great a person as you've said he is that he's going to take this in stride and want to help you as much as he can. If you'd like, once you tell him, you can bring him into a session so that you can talk about it with someone to help you explain."

"Yeah, yeah, that might be a good idea." He paused. "Okay, Trace. I've got to go. I've got to go tell him."

"Tell him at your pace, Jensen. Don't make him push you and don't push yourself if you're not ready. You need to be ready for this. This is going to change a lot of things."

"I know. Trust me, I know. Okay. Okay. I'm going. I'm going to go over there now."

"Call me later if you need to. You know that it's okay."

"I…might. We'll see."

"Take care, Jensen. Relax. It's going to be okay. I think it's going to go better than you think."

"I hope so." With that, Jensen walked out of the office and hopped in his car. There was only one place that he was going now. He needed to go right this second, or else he'd lose his nerve.



He pulled up in front of Jared's house, ran up the stairs and began to bang on the door. "Jared? Jared?" he yelled. "Jared, are you in there?"

After a moment, the door opened, Jared looking disheveled, but a smile crossing his face almost as soon as he saw Jensen.

Jensen threw himself into Jared's arms. "We need to talk."

"Okay. How about we sit down?"

"Jay. I've got to do this. And I'm scared to death that you're going to not want anything to do with me, but I have to do this. And hope to god that you won't turn me away."

"Jen, I've already told you it doesn't matter."

"Okay." Jensen took a deep breath. "I'm so scared that this is going to ruin your life, that I'm going to be dragging you through my hell."

"Jen, just tell me."

"I was hospitalized about 9 months ago, because I had a breakdown. That's why I'm not working right now. That's why I'm on break. Well, I mean, I did get suspended, but once I got suspended, everyone pushed me to be hospitalized. I spent six weeks there."

"What kind of breakdown? Like…psychotic?"

"No! No, not like that. It was depression. I was suicidal."

"Are you…taking medication?"

"Yes."

"What happened to your arms, Jen?"

Jensen closed his eyes. "I used to cut myself. During and after the break up."

"Jen, god, I'm so sorry." He gently put his hand on Jensen's cheek. "It doesn't change anything, Jen. So you've been hospitalized for depression. So you're on meds. So you've hurt yourself in the past. It's okay. I can handle that. I'll help however I can. I'll do anything you need me to do."

"Jay, Jared. I'm falling for you, too."

Jared's eyes lit up like a kid's at Christmas. "Really?"

Jensen nodded. "But I had to tell you about this before I could tell you."

"And I'm glad you did, but it doesn't change anything. I still want to be whatever you need me to be. I want to be in your life and help you in any way I can."

Jensen made eye contact with Jared. "Would you…"

"What, Jen?" Jared asked softly.

"Would you kiss me?"

Jared pulled Jensen closer, kissing him softly, just a press of lips at first. Jared licked at Jensen's bottom lip, asking for entrance. Jensen opened his mouth just enough for Jared to slide his tongue in, beginning to explore the inside of Jensen's mouth. As the kiss grew deeper, Jared and Jensen both moaned quietly. They pulled apart to breathe.

"I want you, Jared. I want to be with you. I want you to be with me. If you think you can handle it."

"I think I can. We'll get through it together." He kissed Jensen briefly. "I'm going to make sure that you always know how important, how beautiful, how special you are and how much you deserve to be loved. You deserve good things, Jensen. And I want to be the one to give them to you."

"Jay, I'm scared. I'm going to be upfront with you. I'm going to freak out. It's going to happen, I know it will."

"And we'll deal with that when it happens. Jensen, I want this. I want to try and make this work."

"I do, too."

"I really think this could be something amazing, Jen."

"Yeah, me too."



September 25

I told him. And he wants me still. We didn't say the "l" word yet, and that's okay, but, god, he's amazing. And he wants to show me how amazing I am. I still think he's wrong, I don't think I'm that special, but he's said he wants to give me the world. And you know what? I think I just might be ready to let someone do that.



It had been two days since Jensen's admission to Jared. Jensen was still scared, after all, it wasn't until after things got going that Sam had devastated him. But he felt something different with Jared. He was sure Sam wouldn't hurt him, but somewhere deep down inside, he knew something wasn't right. But it hadn't been that way with Jared. Jared was just…Jared. There was nothing fake or false about him.

"Hey, Jen."

"Yeah."

Jared came over and sat on the couch with a book on his lap. "This is my journal. I want you to read it. I want you to see how I felt about you as time went on. Maybe this will help you understand."

"Are you sure you want to do this? I can't share my journal. It's not in me to do it."

"It's okay. I trust you," Jared smiled. "I wouldn't tell you I want you to read it if I didn't. I want you to know me. Please."

Jensen nodded. "If this is what you want."

"It is. Do you want to bring it home?"

"Is that okay?"

"Sure thing." Jared handed him the book and briefly kissed Jensen.

"I'll be back. Tomorrow, okay?"

"Take your time. I know you're not going anywhere."

Part Four