I have never broken anyone's heart before
so I guess now is as good a time to start as any. Just kidding. It does not feel good to be the cause of emotional pain to someone. I understand only too well what that particular pain can feel like, and I never really thought I would invoke that in someone else. What sucks the most about it is that I feel like the whole thing may not be worth it. He did not even get to go through all the cute happy shyte that happens in the first part of real relationships. The stoopid infatuation period of about three months, then the decision as to whether or not you can deal with all the little quirks, like the snoring or the chewing with the mouth open, or any of that.. the things that can make or break a newish relationship. The whole thing pretty much went straight to the quirky breaky part. I kept trying to warn him that I would not make a good first girlfriend. I may have been once, but that was back in high school, and that was only my second boyfriend anyway. Big freakin' deal.. I was one up on him. But now, I have had that boyfriend in high school part of life, twice, I have been engaged, cheated on, fucked over countless times by insensitive males, had several of the most wonderous experiences of my life having to do with males, been hurt beyond healing, left with scars, and the list goes on. I do not regret much of it.. in fact, I cherish most of my experience and hold it rather valuable in so far as shaping the person I have become, and of whom I am immensely proud. Granted, I have my issues, but who doesn't. I have my flaws, but I think I know my strengths, and those I don't know, are being pointed out to me more and more often by those around me. I have come to realize that I am a very valuable person to a lot of people. I had no idea how many people love me and care about me as much as they do. And I think I even value that lack of knowledge, because it keeps me humble (mostly) and keeps the love coming. There is little more tiring than a person who thinks the are the shiznit, but overrate themselves. hee hee... Anyway, if anything, I tend to underestimate and undersell myself.
Back to the breaking of hearts though. What I was saying about it almost not being worth it for him.. He deserves to have had someone who cared for him as much as he cared.. And I just could not make myself Love someone. No matter how awesome and perfectly deserving he is, I canna just flip a switch and have the emotion be there. I care, I feel love for him, but I am not in LOVE with him, and find that a highly unlikely state in which to find myself. That is one of the reasons I ended the whole "seeing each other" thing. I am not going to lie to someone, and I will not allow someone to fall more and more deeply in like with me, while my emotions remain the same neutral flavour of "just friends." I do not think that is fair, and I strive for fairness and balance and equality in my life.
I feel that I would have been a teacher, and I do not want that anymore. I want an equal. Someone with comparable experience to mine. Something to counter and complement what I have been through on life's journey. By the same coin, I could not be with someone who is significantly more experienced than I, because then I would feel like a student, and that is not equal either. It is not the chronological age of a person that makes the main difference, merely the experience level. I do not have the energy for the constant reassurance that things are okay and that I am fine, that I still care, that I ever cared at all, any of that.. I don't want to be with someone that I would have to seek that same reassurance from.
I think I am rambling. Oh well.. the message is getting out, albeit in a roundabout fashion, but out nonetheless.. :)
I have been thinking about this a lot. Just to let you know.
Seven weekends at Faire is not enough time to fall in love with someone. Falling on Like, maybe, but not real love. Faire is never the place for that.. you need to get to know someone outside of Faire before even considering Love. How do you know what they are like if you don't even know how the hell they really dress, or what kinda music they listen to? Anyway, enough of this rambling from me. Even though I know you crave more of the inner workings of Erin Brain, you will have to hold out til the next deep and revealing entry. ....
Back to the breaking of hearts though. What I was saying about it almost not being worth it for him.. He deserves to have had someone who cared for him as much as he cared.. And I just could not make myself Love someone. No matter how awesome and perfectly deserving he is, I canna just flip a switch and have the emotion be there. I care, I feel love for him, but I am not in LOVE with him, and find that a highly unlikely state in which to find myself. That is one of the reasons I ended the whole "seeing each other" thing. I am not going to lie to someone, and I will not allow someone to fall more and more deeply in like with me, while my emotions remain the same neutral flavour of "just friends." I do not think that is fair, and I strive for fairness and balance and equality in my life.
I feel that I would have been a teacher, and I do not want that anymore. I want an equal. Someone with comparable experience to mine. Something to counter and complement what I have been through on life's journey. By the same coin, I could not be with someone who is significantly more experienced than I, because then I would feel like a student, and that is not equal either. It is not the chronological age of a person that makes the main difference, merely the experience level. I do not have the energy for the constant reassurance that things are okay and that I am fine, that I still care, that I ever cared at all, any of that.. I don't want to be with someone that I would have to seek that same reassurance from.
I think I am rambling. Oh well.. the message is getting out, albeit in a roundabout fashion, but out nonetheless.. :)
I have been thinking about this a lot. Just to let you know.
Seven weekends at Faire is not enough time to fall in love with someone. Falling on Like, maybe, but not real love. Faire is never the place for that.. you need to get to know someone outside of Faire before even considering Love. How do you know what they are like if you don't even know how the hell they really dress, or what kinda music they listen to? Anyway, enough of this rambling from me. Even though I know you crave more of the inner workings of Erin Brain, you will have to hold out til the next deep and revealing entry. ....