Round 9: No One Like You
Title: No One Like You
Team: AU
Rating: R
Fandom: SS501
Pairing: Jungmin/Hyungjun; Jungmin/Kibum (u-kiss)
Summary: Hyungjun wants vengeance for a wrong done to him years ago, but what's the point when the one who did it is too weak to fight back?
Author's Note: So many restarts T__T
Prompt Used: Super Junior "No Other"
The alarm clock went off to his left but the sound was all around him. Echoing in the small room Park Jungmin called home. He put his hands over his ears as he rolled about on the bed until the blankets were tangled up in his long legs. Only one foot clad in rainbow toe socks sticking out. He pressed his face to the pillow as his black hair stood on end. Willing the sound to go away before it dawned on him that it wouldn't stop until he made it stop. Throwing his hand out he blindly reached for the alarm clock. Taking hold of it, feeling it tremble in his hand, and flung it across the room. Satisfied to hear it crash into the wall, give one final scream and die on the hard wood floor.
There was no reason to set an alarm when he had nowhere to go. No friends to visit. No one to talk to at all. He was all alone. He sighed as he remained laying on his belly. No one wanted to befriend the dying. There would be all that hassle of a funeral, buying flowers and pretending to have cared for the person that was either being put in the ground or about to be cremated. So much for being able to go back to sleep with such thoughts on his mind. He dragged his legs up the bed till he was on his knees. Blue pajama bottoms sliding low on his hips as he worked to get the blanket off.
No shirt so that his bare chest was highlighted by the peeks of sunlight coming through the window. He ran his fingers through his hair as he finally got free of the blankets and onto the floor. Padding his feet along the floor on his way to the bathroom. A white gold cross cool against his chest as he pushed open the door. Barely remembering to turn on the light. One hand flicked the switch while the other slid his pants down a little. Relieving his bladder was top priority in the morning. Washing his hands afterward he sought out his electric toothbrush. Following routines, brush teeth, shower, masturbate, shower again, force bagel and orange juice into body. Swallow down vitamins and medication, try not to throw up. Throw up, force chicken soup into body. Lay on floor in bath towel and pretend to be dead. Yes, routine.
Whether someone rang his doorbell in the afternoon or not would decide what he would do after the hours of pretending to be dead. He turned his head, hair already dry from the shower following the motion. The black strands almost concealing his eyes as he stared at the door. Goosebumps over his skin, once sun kissed now ashen. Disease and the lack of desire to join the rest of the world eating away at him. They didn't want a monster like him in it, that's why he had that mass putting pressure on his brain that was going to one day take his life. Already he was having issues with his vision but he was going to take one worry at a time.
His hand moved over his chest feeling how his nipples had turned perky and he wrinkled his nose. Maybe he should get up and turn on the heater but he didn't have the motivation to move just yet. Maybe the ceiling would collapse on him. So far he hadn't been that lucky. He wasn't going to be allowed a quick death. He would suffer. Suffer like he was now wondering every day if he was going to end a vegetable in a hospital somewhere. His parents coming back to claim him just to pretend they wanted him to keep going. All that hope bull shit which would really come down to we just want to watch you rot a little more. Are you hurting in there? Maybe they'd even voice the question to his still warm carcass.
The doorbell didn't ring, no nurse was coming. Slowly he lifted himself up from the floor but it still made him nauseous none the less. Repeat the routine, throw up, drink vitamin pouch, eat cracks, lay over counter and moan in agony, pray to god, spite god, cry a little, shower, masturbate some more and get dressed. Finally he'd be at the door slipping his feet into a pair of black boots. Sitting down on the slight raise of the single step a few feet from the door way. The small space meant to house shoes and coats but there were only his five pair of shoes, two sneakers, two boots and house slippers, and only his coats. The rack was pretty empty. He sighed as he stood up grabbing the nearest coat without care if it matched to what he wore, by luck it did. Black and white wasn't hard to match.
There was nowhere to go. No friends to visit, no family to go see. They'd already suffered enough the first time he was labelled as soon to die. Now the label was hanging over his head longer. Two times he had survived but this time he wasn't so lucky. He heaved a sigh as he came to a path in the park. Hearing children laughing. They would have just gotten out of school now wouldn't they? He had never been like them as a child. So innocent, so round, so full of blood. He cut those thoughts off. This was why he was being punished. He couldn't help but to think how long would it take that person to die. Or that one. How long was it going to take him?
He parked himself on a bench, coat open despite the cold. His fingers idly touched the cross that hung from his neck. The thin chain biting into his skin with how he tugged on it leaving red marks along his neck. The routine felt itself building up again. He swallowed it down. He wasn't about to throw up in public. He was beyond pity's help. No one cared about a dying man they didn't know. One it was good they did not know, he reasoned to himself. Watching a little boy run by and shove a little girl over. That had been him as a child. His parents had just put it down to the playfulness of children. If they only knew how much that playfulness became twisted as he grew. If they knew why he was being punished they would shun him even more. His hand dropped from his lap and he tilted his head back. Seeing spots before his eyes as he stared directly into the sun. Raising his hand up towards it. Maybe if he reached up far enough he could tug it down and burn into nothingness inside it. Fast. Die so fast that he wouldn't feel the pain that no longer gave him pleasure. It would be easier that way but he didn't deserve it. This agony was what he deserved.
His head remained resting on the back of the bench, having slid down so his legs were a little spread. Trying to make himself more comfortable on such an uncomfortable bench. His coat falling open more. The shirt he wore had a low cut to it leaving it revealing part of his chest as well, he was really exposing himself to the elements. Jungmin had very little care of what the weather could do to his health. He was already dying so what did it matter? Maybe he'd get pneumonia and the complications from that would kill him faster. It was better than waking up throwing up or with his head feeling like it was trying to run away from him.
Those migraines were the worst. Where he'd swear someone shot out the back of his head but he'd somehow lived. Left to suffer the pain of it. Yet he'd wonder if it was really possible to do that to someone. Would a person live through having part of their skull removed when it wasn't on an operating table? He had survived that one a few years back, he had the scar hidden under his hair to prove it. Letting his eyes slide shut he kept his hands on his lap. Jungmin planned to eventually go back home, curl up in a ball in some corner of his apartment and just stay there till his bed called to him. Maybe the neighbors would have a fight again he could listen into. Or the ones to the other side would fuck up against the wall as they were prone to do.
He had nothing better to do with his life but listen to other people. Never really participating in their lives because he wasn't like them. All he could think of was blood, death and how much a person might squirm if he were to try and cut them open. He had wondered in the past if maybe he was a vampire. When he had been out of the hospital after the second tumor had been removed he hadn't really had that many of these thoughts. Four months without even the urge to make someone cry under him but now he went every day thinking that way. Like an addict in need of a fix but his fix was more harmful to others than himself.
Even when he felt someone sit beside him he made no motion. With his head thrown back like it was, arms and legs limp as well, he looked like a dead man. It didn't help he had become pale in his attempts to avoid sunlight. The only sign of life was the rise and fall of his chest.
"Park-sshi?" When he heard someone speak his family name his eyes flew open. Turning his head to the source of the voice but barely moving his body at all. Staring at the other man as if the other had three heads and none of them were human. For certain he could see this person was speaking to him but why?
"Oh it is you. I was just on the way to your home. It's nice to run into you here. It's pretty cold out, don't you think you should button up your coat?" The name badge, Kim Hyungjun, answered his question and he wrinkled his nose. He didn't like it when people were tardy. Closing his eyes he was intent on ignoring the other man since he had ignored to show up at the proper time. It was easier said than done. Hyungjun placed his coat over Jungmin. That he could ignore but Hyungjun's hands touching his shoulders he could not let pass. They were rubbing at him and he bit on his lip. They were so warm, he could just grab them and bite a finger. Maybe that would stop the nurse's perkiness. He wrinkled his nose. Didn't this nurse know a dying person had no need for perky? Nothing to be happy about?
“Being out here in this cold. You’re really asking to catch sickness. We should hurry and get you home. I’m Kim Hyungjun by the way. You can call me Baby though, that’s what most people call me. It just stuck after this hyung that I used to hang around with had a similar name. So since I was younger I was Baby…”
Jungmin relaxed his expression trying to look as if he weren't paying attention. Jungmin bet the nurse was a screamer. In sex, in dying, in everything. Did the boy ever shut up? So much for imitating a corpse, it was hard to concentrate on doing so with something so loud bouncing all around him. Too bad he didn't have any duct tape on him. It would have been good for shutting up the other male. Maybe taping his wrists behind his back as well so he could check for the ecstasy pills he was expecting to find in the boy's pockets. He had to be on something to be that chipper.
“I’m sure you’re hungry too. We can get some food in you. I bet you haven’t been able to keep much down. Your last nurse said you were puking a lot. It’s all right, I’m going to fix all that. We’re going to get along so well. I even brought you a gift.”
Slowly he opened his eyes to look at what the younger male was holding out to him. Trying to act as if he weren't interested but people hadn't bought him gifts in a long time. The last time he was hospitalized no one had even sent flowers. The first time around his parents had done it. His sister bringing balloons. Only nurses coming in and out of the room muttering what a such a good looking man will die so early. They didn't even bother to be gentle about their words. What had it mattered when everyone thought he was asleep? Thought that he was already dead even though he was still sitting there breathing, living, heart beating.
Hesitantly his hands moved up to take the teddy bear being offered to him. Staring at it as if he expected it to start moving. He held it around the mid-section, hands squeezing lightly at the fluffy thing. Feeling how soft it was between his hands. When was the last time someone had given him something like this? He must have been eight years old. He could barely recall. Something about having your head cut open and lasers shooting at it tended to mess with a person's memories.
Wordlessly he removed Hyungjun's coat from around his own body. Sliding it back towards the younger man. Placing the teddy bear on the bench so he could button up his own coat. The fur lining concealing his neck and keeping it warm. He stood up with the bear in one hand.
"Don't be late again." He walked in front of the other man. Looking down at the teddy bear in his hand for a moment then opening the top buttons of his coat to slide it in there. Now the teddy bear's head poked out at his collar, kept in place by his coat.
"And I refuse to call a grown man Baby, that's just gay." Said a person nicknamed Minnie.
"Hey, that's just mean! What if I was gay? That'd hurt my feelings. Not that I am. But hey you could be gay!" Loud. Hyungjun was so loud. Jungmin didn't like loud much. He used to be loud. People could hear him from miles away. Everyone always saying he operated on two volumes, loud and louder. His voice used to bounce off walls. Use to put sonic booms to shame but not any more. He was tired. He was always tired. So now all these loud noises bothered him. Loud voices annoyed him. He wanted to punch Hyungjun's teeth down his throat to silence him but he didn't have the strength. That too annoyed him. What happened to the man that people used to described as powerful, sturdy... he was lucky if he even got handsome anymore. Had he really let himself go that bad?
It couldn't really be counted as letting himself go though when it was his health that had decided to do this to him. To make him into less than a shell of the man he used to be. He would gladly sell his soul to get back the days when lifting a gallon of milk didn't leave his fingers aching. When all that radiation therapy hadn't stolen the life out of him. It was supposed to save him and instead he'd spent days wishing he was dead. Now they wanted him to go through something even tougher than that. He knew he wouldn't survive so what was the point?
So instead he had nurses coming to make sure he didn't off himself. He was pretty sure that was the real reason the orginazation helped pay for his private nurses. Where would they be without someone to laugh at? This was by far the worse one he had ever been assigned. Forget the part about being loud he was just altogether annoying. Didn't he understand what sort of person he was dealing with? Jungmin stopped walking as he turned to look at the other man still babbling nonsense. He would probably look pretty with a spear coming up from his ass and out his skull. That was the only way. With his lips flapping as they were there was nothing attractive about him.
"Ah and sorry I was late, Jungmin-shhi. I got lost on the way here. The directions were so strange. So if you just show me how to get to your place I'll be sure to be on time for my next visits."
Useless, totally useless. That was how Jungmin saw Hyungjun. Jungmin moved over to another bench and took a seat. Putting his legs up on it so that the nurse could not sit with him. Putting his elbow up on the metal arm bar and resting his chin on it. It was childish but now because he found the other annoying he wasn't going to show him the way to his house. As if he would really subject himself to having to see this person every day. He had his own moments of hyperactivity and stupidity but he had a tumor putting pressure on his brain. What was the excuse for this person's retardation? He didn't even care enough to ask, he just wanted it to stop.
Couldn't they even send him a normal nurse? One who understood that the last thing a dying man wanted was someone who snorted sugar and probably injected glucose straight into their blood. Who didn't say everything that was on their mind and understood sometimes it was better to just shut up. He reached for the head of the teddy bear peeking out. Tugging it out and tossing it towards Hyungjun. He meant to strike the man's chest with it but the bear didn't make it very far. Whatever sweet feeling he'd gotten from receiving such a simple gift had been all too easily washed away by his annoyance. Jungmin's mood swings were worse than a sudden tsunami.
He glared at Hyungjun as if to make it clear he was the source of his annoyance. Late, loud and he called him gay all on their first meeting. In his mind he was the only one allowed to be rude, allowed to insult because god damn it he was dying. Even if it was his punishment for previous crimes he wasn't about to be all angelic about it.
"Yes because having had tubes up in places they shouldn't be just so my body won't fill up with shit is a nice feeling to remember by asking someone to shove a hot cock up my ass." He slid down on the bench, resting his neck on the metal arm rest instead as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Go away, I'd be better off alone than with a mentally retarded nurse who probably didn't even earn his degree yet. I rather die in peace, thank you."
The cool metal against the back of his neck was soothing in an uncomfortable way. Contrasting greatly with the heat he felt all throughout his body. Even though it was cold his temperature was off. As if he couldn't feel temperature the way other people did anymore. His eyes slid shut so when he felt the hands on his chest he gasped, flailing for a second only to focus his gaze on Hyungjun.
"So what, you just going to sit out here all day pitying yourself? Come on, Jungmin-sshi, the agency wouldn't have sent me to care for you if they didn't think you have a chance. I'm trying to be cheerful here because of you're situation but damn are you pathetic. You act like you're the only person in the world who suffers. People get raped. Children get murdered. At least you have the money to go with comfort not some sicko cutting you up. Maybe you deserve this."
Jungmin glared at the other but the expression began to falter. He did deserve everything that was happening to him. Jungmin had murdered people in the most horrifying of ways. Taken away their hope and not let them die until they were pathetically sobbing and begging for it. He made sure they knew what was coming, let them feel it slowly burning through them. Just like the sickness was doing to him.
"There are kids who don't have a scrap of food. They live on garbage or starve in the streets. You seen those ads on television right? Well, wake up, you're not in as shitty a situation at them. You've got modern medicine and money to fix your problems. So get moving or should I just let the cold kill you here?"
The cancer was avenging all those persons he had made suffer. All the people he had killed. All the children he had left without parents. Likely starving the way Hyungjun described without someone to fill their bellies. Sometimes he'd kill the children too. Don't leave orphans. It wasn't out of mercy but because children were the ones that would most easily believe the false everything will be all right. Many of them died thinking someone would come for them. He'd still been able to see the hope in their eyes even as they glazed over.
When he was younger, when the first tumor had been found, his mother had sat by his hospital bed and said the same. He'd believed her too. He'd honestly thought everything would be all right but now he knew that was just a lie of comfort. Not for the one suffering but for the one watching it happen. They could tell themselves later when the person died at least they had been good to them. At least they had tried to comfort them but death was going to happen anyway. Everyone died. Some people just a little earlier than others.
"Hell if you want to die so bad I can shoot you in the face. Quick and painless. You want that huh? Or maybe make it classier, one too many pills? You like that one?" His eyes pressed shut as Hyungjun continued to scold him. Tilting his head to the side. This was definitely not the way to make a dying man want to live. He was sure of it. Telling him how he could kill him, it wasn't going to make him want to get up from the bench.
"Then do it." He spoke quietly, barely audible over Hyungjun's voice. If the other could kill him then he might as well. The world didn't need a person like him but Jungmin knew he wasn't going to be afforded a quick death. No he would continue to suffer as he had been for days. Fearing the loss of his vision, his speech, his hearing and any rationality that came with being the ripe age of twenty four. He'd be some drooling slob forgotten in a dark corner of his apartment. Maybe they'd even leave him to fester in his own shit so that when they found his dead body no one would know if it was the stench of death or week old crap that made it hard to breathe.
"Is that what you want? You want me to kill you, Jungmin-sshi? Maybe I should wrap my hands around your throat and strangle the life out of you. Do you want that?" Hyungjun's tone had changed. Jungmin slowly opened his eyes to look at him. It was just what he needed, a crazy nurse. He sighed. He really was being punished. Not only would he die in agony but he'd also have to deal with this sort of person too. It wasn't enough that he was constantly feeling like his brain was being pushed to one side, like his ears were trying to give birth to it, but now he had to bear the pain along with this idiot. Jungmin really didn't want to answer him but he was sure the other would go on another tirade if he didn't say something or make some kind of motion.
Pulling his legs slowly towards him he turned to place his feet on the ground. Standing up with his hands in his pockets and started to walk. Saying nothing to Hyungjun but he was sure the other would fill up the silence. Fill it up all the way along the quiet walk to Jungmin's apartment. Up stairs, even though he really should take the elevator, and to the front door. Long fingers tapping in the numbers to the electronic lock so he could tug the door open moments later. Shoving mail in with his foot and removing his shoes shortly after. Placing them to the side with all the other pairs of his shoes. Hanging up his coat and slipping his feet into slippers as he walked further into the apartment. Not sparing a glance or a word to Hyungjun as he plopped himself right back down in the middle of the living room where he'd spent lunch time. On his belly this time so his cheek was against the hard wood floor.
The apartment smelled of medicine, baby lotion and a hint of musk as if someone had been up to some rather intimate activities but Jungmin had no one to share intimacy with. No one but his hand, ever since his last lover had gone, and they shared it all over the four rooms of his apartment though technically the kitchen and living room counted as one room. He had a small bathroom across from the bedroom, that made up the box he called home. Laying a palm flat on the floor he stared at his fingers. Turning his head to the other side and making no sign of planning to move from his spot ever again.
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Mornings were the most difficult part of the day. Hyungjun found it near impossible to drag himself out of bed the months after the incident. He’d wanted to just curl up and pretend he had been the one to die. That he hadn’t held his mother crying against him as they buried Kibum, closed casket. There was not much to recognize him by.
Hyungjun could still recall the cotton swab the medical examiner had passed under his tongue for a mitochondrial sample. He hadn’t wanted to put his mother through the pain. He was happy that he had not when it came up a match. Hyungjun knew what had happened. It was that guy Kibum had been dating the weeks that lead up to the death.
Park Jungmin, a good looking guy even Hyungjun had found himself interested in but backed off because his baby brother saw him first. Things had gone well at first. Kibum was cheerful, playful and his character business was booming. Hyungjun had jokingly warned him that Jungmin could want him just for the money, if only that had been the case.
He runs his fingers through his hair, smoothing out the bed head on the way to the bathroom. It doesn’t surprise him to find the door to his brother’s bedroom open just a crack. Hyungjun hesitates for only a second before pushing it open the rest of the way. His mother lies curled up in Kibum’s bed with the last set of pajamas Kibum wore held tight in her arms. Hyungjun knows better than to try and move her so he just lays a blanket over her.
Smiling weakly when her eyes meet his. She can’t keep her gaze on him for long and he leaves before the usual phrase comes out, you look so much like your brother. Something in the past that had been a comfort now brings him pain. He stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, fingers moving over the stubble on his chin and over his upper lip. Hyungjun brushes his teeth first before getting rid of the hairs. Today is a big day and he needs to look his best for it.
The justice system failed Kibum but he sure as hell won’t. Once his face is smooth he moves into the shower. It doesn’t matter how much he scrubs at himself, he doesn’t feel clean. It’s the thoughts running through his mind that are dirty. He feels them as if they’ve flown out of him and become solid. Leaving trails of wickedness all along his skin that everyone can see.
Everyone but his mother for when he comes out the shower she kisses his forehead and glides into her own room. Closing the door behind herself but Hyungjun can still hear her sobbing. He whispers more to himself than her it’ll be over soon, and he truly believes it will. Kibum’s ghost will stop wandering through their halls aimlessly once Hyungjun finishes the man that made him such a way.
He won’t wake up with his heart pounding against his ribs and Kibum’s sad eyes staring down at him. Pleading and begging for him to do something. Hyungjun can’t ignore his wails in the middle of the night. They drive him insane because he knows what they’re saying, this is your fault, you were supposed to protect me. He should have protected him but he failed, should have watched Jungmin closer. The man’s smiles was just too charming, his laugh just too endearing.
Hyungjun hates himself for even now thinking Jungmin is beautiful. Kibum never stood a chance against a man like that. He’s been conditioning himself not to fall for it too. Collecting photographs and data so that the one wrapped around a finger will be Jungmin not him. Double checking the lock on the door he moves towards the closet. Pulling it open and pushing aside his clothes. He tugs down a sheet and a wall covered with pictures and post it notes is in clear view. The subject is all the same, Park Jungmin.
Birth date April 3, 1987, they are the same age. Hyungjun finds that odd, only a few months rest between them. Blood type O, that doesn’t really surprise him much. Jungmin had seemed so wild and free just like the typical type O, without a care in the world. That’s how Kibum had been as well. Type O brothers, they’d joked about that often.
It wasn’t the physical features he had cared about though. Jungmin was a person that people gravitated to. His words, his actions, all of it was done with such a delicate deliberateness that it seemed to be for one specific person. Everyone in the room would swear it was directed at them when Jungmin was ignoring them all. He was a person that was hard to ignore. The photographs couldn’t capture that.
Jungmin would sit in a Starbucks sipping his coffee like he was making love to the Styrofoam. Holding the straw at the very tips of his fingers like it could break if he weren’t gentle enough. Taking a seat on a park swing on a leisurely stroll and smiling like childhood had never left him. The sun would shine down on him and his hair would glow like it was on fire. He’d watched him each day but then Jungmin had stopped coming outside. Hyungjun was forced to invest in binoculars. He’d taken to sleeping with the woman who’s apartment had a direct view to Jungmin’s place.
She didn’t even care when he set up a telescope at the window. Someone actually wanted her sagging breasts body with the track marks of a misguided youth between her toes, up her arms and places Hyungjun didn’t want to think about. He would remind himself it was all worth it. Today it would come to its conclusion. He ran his fingertip over a sharp jaw line in a black and white picture. Today he would meet Park Jungmin for himself and make him pay for what he had done.
He’d keep his attire simple, jeans that were loose enough not to cut off circulation but tight enough to show off his perky ass. He could recall Kibum wearing something similar any time date night with Jungmin came around. A long sleeved shirt followed with the same effect, show off but don’t reveal everything. That was what Jungmin liked. All of the boys and girls he’d picked up had dressed in that sense. He never liked the skirts too short or the jeans too tight, just the right amount to get his imagination running. Hyungjun had watched him troll clubs for weeks, picking up different people.
Enjoying random fucks in bathrooms and leaving people broken afterward. One time was never enough. The way Kibum had spoken about Jungmin was as if a god were walking among them. Kibum was ever so fortunate to touch that god but he’d just gotten too close. Hyungjun slid his feet into a pair of white high top sneakers and grabbed his coat off the rack. Looking back towards the couch, where Kibum would sit holding Choco up and making her wave good bye.
“Oppa will be back soon.” The dog didn’t even lift her head to him. Everyone felt the loss of Kibum. The door creaked as it shut behind him. Hyungjun took the long route, wanting to take his time. Remembering Kibum lounging in the backseat talking animatedly about everything and nothing. His eyes raised to the rearview mirror, there were eyes staring back at him. Judging him and urging him to go on all at once.
Hyungjun couldn’t stare at them for long. Soon, soon it would be over. He had to keep telling himself that to ease the ringing in his ears. To stop the shouts from Kibum echoing all around him. That star that had chosen to shine over his baby brother would be diminished soon. He parked the car a good deal away from Jungmin’s place and chose to walk the rest of the way. Directions weren’t needed, he’d stood outside of it plenty of times to know where it was.
Angered and pained each time he stood before Jungmin and the man did not recognize his face. A face that was so much like his brother’s but different at the same time. He wanted Jungmin to remember Kibum, maybe if he did it would at least justify what he had done to him. Hyungjun knew he was only kidding himself, nothing would justify how Kibum had been treated. Used and discarded like he was nothing more than a broken toy.
Hyungjun didn’t have to walk the entire way to find Jungmin, the man lay spread across a park bench. This wasn’t at all what he had expected to find. It was the dead among the living. These hands had killed his brother and they were nothing but little twigs glued to paper. Those plump lips that had whispered sweets lies were dry, chapped and so pale Hyungjun couldn’t even tell where they faded to regular flesh. Cheeks once round and full of life were almost completely sunken in now.
He had expected Jungmin to be sick but not to this degree. The man might as well be in a coffin already. What sort of vengeance could he have now? It was devastating but he had gone this far so he would not turn back. All smiles he moved over to the shell of man, introducing himself and giving his excuse. Jungmin still had the temper he did in the past but he was nothing like he used to be. There was no thrill to being at the end of his scolding. No shine to his eyes.
It hurt Hyungjun even more than burying Kibum had. This thing had killed his brother and it didn’t even have enough power to stand up without wheezing. It was such a shame. Kibum had been stronger than the atrocity that sat before him now. Hyungjun wanted to cry, he could feel the tears prickling at his eyes. It just wasn’t fair. What happened to the man that had jumped on his couch and demanded extra rounds of rock, papers, scissors even after sixteen consecutive losses?
Hyungjun wanted to kill him but he wanted to hold him at the same time. The light was gone and he wanted it back. Kibum would understand, wouldn’t he? He trailed after Jungmin, watching how his knees trembled with every step he took. The man probably weighed just about as much as a prepubescent girl at this point. The smell of medicine, baby lotion and musk invaded his nostrils as soon as the apartment door was opened.
He shut the door behind him as he moved further into the place. Stepping out of his sneakers and watching Jungmin lay himself down on the floor. The man was really already dead. What vengeance could he have here when living was more suffering to Jungmin? Hyungjun inspected the apartment, going from the main room to the bedroom. He sat on Jungmin’s bed ignoring the smell that came off of them.
His eyes roaming over the dresser and the night stands widening in shock. Photos of Kibum all over the room, some even as recent as the week before he had died. Jungmin’s cheek pressed to Kibum’s in a few. They were so beautiful that he had to stand and take the picture in his hands. Turning the frame to open the back and slide the photograph out. His brother’s handwriting on the back spelled out a love poem, something copied for a song he would have called Hyungjun stupid for liking.
Kibum had been this in love with Jungmin. He had ignored Hyungjun and wanted only Jungmin. They would make plans to go out together but Kibum would always blow them off with sorry Minnie’s taking me somewhere, tonight. He’d get the promise of tomorrow night but it never came. After all he had done for Kibum his brother chose a killer over him. He sat back on the bed to stare at the photo, there in the corner he saw his own face.
Jungmin was too good for Kibum. A nose that was not too small and not to large, just perfect for placing kisses on the tip of. Skin soft to the touch and the way he whined in bed, it was amazing. Jungmin’s pill popping habit had made it too easy. So often he was out of it that he’d never noticed how Kibum’s eyes became just a tad rounder or his nose just a bit softer. None of those things ever mattered.
Hyungjun put his head in his hands as he moved further back on the bed. Pressing his back against the headboard. They had both tried to leave him. Jungmin laying in a hospital bed as Kibum held his hand and told him it would be all right but it wasn’t all right. Jungmin had woken up alone, no idea what was going on. It had been that easy to erase Kibum but damn had he tried to get back into the older man’s life. His baby brother had fought to get himself back into memories that were no longer in the head of the man he loved.
He couldn’t have that. They would both leave him again. Too perfect, too beautiful, Hyungjun had thought it since the first day Jungmin walked into their lives. He’d given Kibum everything and wanted just this one thing. That perfect smile, laugh and the happiness that he could have had if it weren’t for Kibum. He doesn’t even remember slamming his face against the concrete, Kibum asking why hyung as he reaches desperately for his hands. Trying to stop the attack but the twitches of death soon over take him.
Jungmin had seen it then. Stood over the body, looked Hyungjun in the eye and fainted. He’d laid him in the bath tub shortly after, leaving him for someone else to find. He’d cried alone for hours until his mother called to inform him the police had found Kibum. It hadn’t taken long. Hyungjun had been lucky enough to be wearing gloves that day, he’d washed off his shoes before coming home. Helped identify the body the very same day and stood by his mother as it was buried weeks later. Embraced her as months later the case was declared cold.
He gasped as he let the photograph fall from his hand. All that had been so he could have that little gift from Heaven to himself and Heaven was seeing fit to take it away. It couldn’t be all for nothing. Watching Jungmin for years, waiting and wanting for the other to desire him just as much as he did him. Did Jungmin even remember how he had protected him from bullies his first year of high school? No one remembered, cry baby Hyungjun. It was always Kibum who hit back when a bully put him down even if there were tears in his own eyes. That was who everyone had loved. That was who Jungmin had loved.
“What are you doing?” He raised his head to the doorway seeing the way the other man quivered. He knew Jungmin must be cold so he patted the space on the bed beside him. The words from the park must have been fresh in Jungmin’s mind as the man hesitated. What was it Kibum had said that last day right before he left Jungmin all alone? He’d been foolish enough to leave his coat behind, or maybe he had planned it, but Jungmin had come after him to return it. A smile slowly crept onto Hyungjun’s face.
“There’s just no one like you. Weird like you. Crazy like you.”
“Weird enough to love you. Crazy enough to never leave you.” The smile spread wider as Jungmin finished the statement. He opened his arms, sighing as Jungmin staggered into them. Burying his nose into damp black locks. He pulled the sheet up around their bodies as he held the far too thin form close to his own heat. There wasn’t much time left, he could feel that already.
“Don’t worry I’ll never leave you.” Kibum could scream all he wanted, there was no way he could have Jungmin now. Maybe vengeance was just a bit overrated, Hyungjun could only hope so but it didn’t matter when Jungmin would never have the mind to realize he should be seeking it.
Poll Round 9: No One Like You
Team: AU
Rating: R
Fandom: SS501
Pairing: Jungmin/Hyungjun; Jungmin/Kibum (u-kiss)
Summary: Hyungjun wants vengeance for a wrong done to him years ago, but what's the point when the one who did it is too weak to fight back?
Author's Note: So many restarts T__T
Prompt Used: Super Junior "No Other"
The alarm clock went off to his left but the sound was all around him. Echoing in the small room Park Jungmin called home. He put his hands over his ears as he rolled about on the bed until the blankets were tangled up in his long legs. Only one foot clad in rainbow toe socks sticking out. He pressed his face to the pillow as his black hair stood on end. Willing the sound to go away before it dawned on him that it wouldn't stop until he made it stop. Throwing his hand out he blindly reached for the alarm clock. Taking hold of it, feeling it tremble in his hand, and flung it across the room. Satisfied to hear it crash into the wall, give one final scream and die on the hard wood floor.
There was no reason to set an alarm when he had nowhere to go. No friends to visit. No one to talk to at all. He was all alone. He sighed as he remained laying on his belly. No one wanted to befriend the dying. There would be all that hassle of a funeral, buying flowers and pretending to have cared for the person that was either being put in the ground or about to be cremated. So much for being able to go back to sleep with such thoughts on his mind. He dragged his legs up the bed till he was on his knees. Blue pajama bottoms sliding low on his hips as he worked to get the blanket off.
No shirt so that his bare chest was highlighted by the peeks of sunlight coming through the window. He ran his fingers through his hair as he finally got free of the blankets and onto the floor. Padding his feet along the floor on his way to the bathroom. A white gold cross cool against his chest as he pushed open the door. Barely remembering to turn on the light. One hand flicked the switch while the other slid his pants down a little. Relieving his bladder was top priority in the morning. Washing his hands afterward he sought out his electric toothbrush. Following routines, brush teeth, shower, masturbate, shower again, force bagel and orange juice into body. Swallow down vitamins and medication, try not to throw up. Throw up, force chicken soup into body. Lay on floor in bath towel and pretend to be dead. Yes, routine.
Whether someone rang his doorbell in the afternoon or not would decide what he would do after the hours of pretending to be dead. He turned his head, hair already dry from the shower following the motion. The black strands almost concealing his eyes as he stared at the door. Goosebumps over his skin, once sun kissed now ashen. Disease and the lack of desire to join the rest of the world eating away at him. They didn't want a monster like him in it, that's why he had that mass putting pressure on his brain that was going to one day take his life. Already he was having issues with his vision but he was going to take one worry at a time.
His hand moved over his chest feeling how his nipples had turned perky and he wrinkled his nose. Maybe he should get up and turn on the heater but he didn't have the motivation to move just yet. Maybe the ceiling would collapse on him. So far he hadn't been that lucky. He wasn't going to be allowed a quick death. He would suffer. Suffer like he was now wondering every day if he was going to end a vegetable in a hospital somewhere. His parents coming back to claim him just to pretend they wanted him to keep going. All that hope bull shit which would really come down to we just want to watch you rot a little more. Are you hurting in there? Maybe they'd even voice the question to his still warm carcass.
The doorbell didn't ring, no nurse was coming. Slowly he lifted himself up from the floor but it still made him nauseous none the less. Repeat the routine, throw up, drink vitamin pouch, eat cracks, lay over counter and moan in agony, pray to god, spite god, cry a little, shower, masturbate some more and get dressed. Finally he'd be at the door slipping his feet into a pair of black boots. Sitting down on the slight raise of the single step a few feet from the door way. The small space meant to house shoes and coats but there were only his five pair of shoes, two sneakers, two boots and house slippers, and only his coats. The rack was pretty empty. He sighed as he stood up grabbing the nearest coat without care if it matched to what he wore, by luck it did. Black and white wasn't hard to match.
There was nowhere to go. No friends to visit, no family to go see. They'd already suffered enough the first time he was labelled as soon to die. Now the label was hanging over his head longer. Two times he had survived but this time he wasn't so lucky. He heaved a sigh as he came to a path in the park. Hearing children laughing. They would have just gotten out of school now wouldn't they? He had never been like them as a child. So innocent, so round, so full of blood. He cut those thoughts off. This was why he was being punished. He couldn't help but to think how long would it take that person to die. Or that one. How long was it going to take him?
He parked himself on a bench, coat open despite the cold. His fingers idly touched the cross that hung from his neck. The thin chain biting into his skin with how he tugged on it leaving red marks along his neck. The routine felt itself building up again. He swallowed it down. He wasn't about to throw up in public. He was beyond pity's help. No one cared about a dying man they didn't know. One it was good they did not know, he reasoned to himself. Watching a little boy run by and shove a little girl over. That had been him as a child. His parents had just put it down to the playfulness of children. If they only knew how much that playfulness became twisted as he grew. If they knew why he was being punished they would shun him even more. His hand dropped from his lap and he tilted his head back. Seeing spots before his eyes as he stared directly into the sun. Raising his hand up towards it. Maybe if he reached up far enough he could tug it down and burn into nothingness inside it. Fast. Die so fast that he wouldn't feel the pain that no longer gave him pleasure. It would be easier that way but he didn't deserve it. This agony was what he deserved.
His head remained resting on the back of the bench, having slid down so his legs were a little spread. Trying to make himself more comfortable on such an uncomfortable bench. His coat falling open more. The shirt he wore had a low cut to it leaving it revealing part of his chest as well, he was really exposing himself to the elements. Jungmin had very little care of what the weather could do to his health. He was already dying so what did it matter? Maybe he'd get pneumonia and the complications from that would kill him faster. It was better than waking up throwing up or with his head feeling like it was trying to run away from him.
Those migraines were the worst. Where he'd swear someone shot out the back of his head but he'd somehow lived. Left to suffer the pain of it. Yet he'd wonder if it was really possible to do that to someone. Would a person live through having part of their skull removed when it wasn't on an operating table? He had survived that one a few years back, he had the scar hidden under his hair to prove it. Letting his eyes slide shut he kept his hands on his lap. Jungmin planned to eventually go back home, curl up in a ball in some corner of his apartment and just stay there till his bed called to him. Maybe the neighbors would have a fight again he could listen into. Or the ones to the other side would fuck up against the wall as they were prone to do.
He had nothing better to do with his life but listen to other people. Never really participating in their lives because he wasn't like them. All he could think of was blood, death and how much a person might squirm if he were to try and cut them open. He had wondered in the past if maybe he was a vampire. When he had been out of the hospital after the second tumor had been removed he hadn't really had that many of these thoughts. Four months without even the urge to make someone cry under him but now he went every day thinking that way. Like an addict in need of a fix but his fix was more harmful to others than himself.
Even when he felt someone sit beside him he made no motion. With his head thrown back like it was, arms and legs limp as well, he looked like a dead man. It didn't help he had become pale in his attempts to avoid sunlight. The only sign of life was the rise and fall of his chest.
"Park-sshi?" When he heard someone speak his family name his eyes flew open. Turning his head to the source of the voice but barely moving his body at all. Staring at the other man as if the other had three heads and none of them were human. For certain he could see this person was speaking to him but why?
"Oh it is you. I was just on the way to your home. It's nice to run into you here. It's pretty cold out, don't you think you should button up your coat?" The name badge, Kim Hyungjun, answered his question and he wrinkled his nose. He didn't like it when people were tardy. Closing his eyes he was intent on ignoring the other man since he had ignored to show up at the proper time. It was easier said than done. Hyungjun placed his coat over Jungmin. That he could ignore but Hyungjun's hands touching his shoulders he could not let pass. They were rubbing at him and he bit on his lip. They were so warm, he could just grab them and bite a finger. Maybe that would stop the nurse's perkiness. He wrinkled his nose. Didn't this nurse know a dying person had no need for perky? Nothing to be happy about?
“Being out here in this cold. You’re really asking to catch sickness. We should hurry and get you home. I’m Kim Hyungjun by the way. You can call me Baby though, that’s what most people call me. It just stuck after this hyung that I used to hang around with had a similar name. So since I was younger I was Baby…”
Jungmin relaxed his expression trying to look as if he weren't paying attention. Jungmin bet the nurse was a screamer. In sex, in dying, in everything. Did the boy ever shut up? So much for imitating a corpse, it was hard to concentrate on doing so with something so loud bouncing all around him. Too bad he didn't have any duct tape on him. It would have been good for shutting up the other male. Maybe taping his wrists behind his back as well so he could check for the ecstasy pills he was expecting to find in the boy's pockets. He had to be on something to be that chipper.
“I’m sure you’re hungry too. We can get some food in you. I bet you haven’t been able to keep much down. Your last nurse said you were puking a lot. It’s all right, I’m going to fix all that. We’re going to get along so well. I even brought you a gift.”
Slowly he opened his eyes to look at what the younger male was holding out to him. Trying to act as if he weren't interested but people hadn't bought him gifts in a long time. The last time he was hospitalized no one had even sent flowers. The first time around his parents had done it. His sister bringing balloons. Only nurses coming in and out of the room muttering what a such a good looking man will die so early. They didn't even bother to be gentle about their words. What had it mattered when everyone thought he was asleep? Thought that he was already dead even though he was still sitting there breathing, living, heart beating.
Hesitantly his hands moved up to take the teddy bear being offered to him. Staring at it as if he expected it to start moving. He held it around the mid-section, hands squeezing lightly at the fluffy thing. Feeling how soft it was between his hands. When was the last time someone had given him something like this? He must have been eight years old. He could barely recall. Something about having your head cut open and lasers shooting at it tended to mess with a person's memories.
Wordlessly he removed Hyungjun's coat from around his own body. Sliding it back towards the younger man. Placing the teddy bear on the bench so he could button up his own coat. The fur lining concealing his neck and keeping it warm. He stood up with the bear in one hand.
"Don't be late again." He walked in front of the other man. Looking down at the teddy bear in his hand for a moment then opening the top buttons of his coat to slide it in there. Now the teddy bear's head poked out at his collar, kept in place by his coat.
"And I refuse to call a grown man Baby, that's just gay." Said a person nicknamed Minnie.
"Hey, that's just mean! What if I was gay? That'd hurt my feelings. Not that I am. But hey you could be gay!" Loud. Hyungjun was so loud. Jungmin didn't like loud much. He used to be loud. People could hear him from miles away. Everyone always saying he operated on two volumes, loud and louder. His voice used to bounce off walls. Use to put sonic booms to shame but not any more. He was tired. He was always tired. So now all these loud noises bothered him. Loud voices annoyed him. He wanted to punch Hyungjun's teeth down his throat to silence him but he didn't have the strength. That too annoyed him. What happened to the man that people used to described as powerful, sturdy... he was lucky if he even got handsome anymore. Had he really let himself go that bad?
It couldn't really be counted as letting himself go though when it was his health that had decided to do this to him. To make him into less than a shell of the man he used to be. He would gladly sell his soul to get back the days when lifting a gallon of milk didn't leave his fingers aching. When all that radiation therapy hadn't stolen the life out of him. It was supposed to save him and instead he'd spent days wishing he was dead. Now they wanted him to go through something even tougher than that. He knew he wouldn't survive so what was the point?
So instead he had nurses coming to make sure he didn't off himself. He was pretty sure that was the real reason the orginazation helped pay for his private nurses. Where would they be without someone to laugh at? This was by far the worse one he had ever been assigned. Forget the part about being loud he was just altogether annoying. Didn't he understand what sort of person he was dealing with? Jungmin stopped walking as he turned to look at the other man still babbling nonsense. He would probably look pretty with a spear coming up from his ass and out his skull. That was the only way. With his lips flapping as they were there was nothing attractive about him.
"Ah and sorry I was late, Jungmin-shhi. I got lost on the way here. The directions were so strange. So if you just show me how to get to your place I'll be sure to be on time for my next visits."
Useless, totally useless. That was how Jungmin saw Hyungjun. Jungmin moved over to another bench and took a seat. Putting his legs up on it so that the nurse could not sit with him. Putting his elbow up on the metal arm bar and resting his chin on it. It was childish but now because he found the other annoying he wasn't going to show him the way to his house. As if he would really subject himself to having to see this person every day. He had his own moments of hyperactivity and stupidity but he had a tumor putting pressure on his brain. What was the excuse for this person's retardation? He didn't even care enough to ask, he just wanted it to stop.
Couldn't they even send him a normal nurse? One who understood that the last thing a dying man wanted was someone who snorted sugar and probably injected glucose straight into their blood. Who didn't say everything that was on their mind and understood sometimes it was better to just shut up. He reached for the head of the teddy bear peeking out. Tugging it out and tossing it towards Hyungjun. He meant to strike the man's chest with it but the bear didn't make it very far. Whatever sweet feeling he'd gotten from receiving such a simple gift had been all too easily washed away by his annoyance. Jungmin's mood swings were worse than a sudden tsunami.
He glared at Hyungjun as if to make it clear he was the source of his annoyance. Late, loud and he called him gay all on their first meeting. In his mind he was the only one allowed to be rude, allowed to insult because god damn it he was dying. Even if it was his punishment for previous crimes he wasn't about to be all angelic about it.
"Yes because having had tubes up in places they shouldn't be just so my body won't fill up with shit is a nice feeling to remember by asking someone to shove a hot cock up my ass." He slid down on the bench, resting his neck on the metal arm rest instead as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Go away, I'd be better off alone than with a mentally retarded nurse who probably didn't even earn his degree yet. I rather die in peace, thank you."
The cool metal against the back of his neck was soothing in an uncomfortable way. Contrasting greatly with the heat he felt all throughout his body. Even though it was cold his temperature was off. As if he couldn't feel temperature the way other people did anymore. His eyes slid shut so when he felt the hands on his chest he gasped, flailing for a second only to focus his gaze on Hyungjun.
"So what, you just going to sit out here all day pitying yourself? Come on, Jungmin-sshi, the agency wouldn't have sent me to care for you if they didn't think you have a chance. I'm trying to be cheerful here because of you're situation but damn are you pathetic. You act like you're the only person in the world who suffers. People get raped. Children get murdered. At least you have the money to go with comfort not some sicko cutting you up. Maybe you deserve this."
Jungmin glared at the other but the expression began to falter. He did deserve everything that was happening to him. Jungmin had murdered people in the most horrifying of ways. Taken away their hope and not let them die until they were pathetically sobbing and begging for it. He made sure they knew what was coming, let them feel it slowly burning through them. Just like the sickness was doing to him.
"There are kids who don't have a scrap of food. They live on garbage or starve in the streets. You seen those ads on television right? Well, wake up, you're not in as shitty a situation at them. You've got modern medicine and money to fix your problems. So get moving or should I just let the cold kill you here?"
The cancer was avenging all those persons he had made suffer. All the people he had killed. All the children he had left without parents. Likely starving the way Hyungjun described without someone to fill their bellies. Sometimes he'd kill the children too. Don't leave orphans. It wasn't out of mercy but because children were the ones that would most easily believe the false everything will be all right. Many of them died thinking someone would come for them. He'd still been able to see the hope in their eyes even as they glazed over.
When he was younger, when the first tumor had been found, his mother had sat by his hospital bed and said the same. He'd believed her too. He'd honestly thought everything would be all right but now he knew that was just a lie of comfort. Not for the one suffering but for the one watching it happen. They could tell themselves later when the person died at least they had been good to them. At least they had tried to comfort them but death was going to happen anyway. Everyone died. Some people just a little earlier than others.
"Hell if you want to die so bad I can shoot you in the face. Quick and painless. You want that huh? Or maybe make it classier, one too many pills? You like that one?" His eyes pressed shut as Hyungjun continued to scold him. Tilting his head to the side. This was definitely not the way to make a dying man want to live. He was sure of it. Telling him how he could kill him, it wasn't going to make him want to get up from the bench.
"Then do it." He spoke quietly, barely audible over Hyungjun's voice. If the other could kill him then he might as well. The world didn't need a person like him but Jungmin knew he wasn't going to be afforded a quick death. No he would continue to suffer as he had been for days. Fearing the loss of his vision, his speech, his hearing and any rationality that came with being the ripe age of twenty four. He'd be some drooling slob forgotten in a dark corner of his apartment. Maybe they'd even leave him to fester in his own shit so that when they found his dead body no one would know if it was the stench of death or week old crap that made it hard to breathe.
"Is that what you want? You want me to kill you, Jungmin-sshi? Maybe I should wrap my hands around your throat and strangle the life out of you. Do you want that?" Hyungjun's tone had changed. Jungmin slowly opened his eyes to look at him. It was just what he needed, a crazy nurse. He sighed. He really was being punished. Not only would he die in agony but he'd also have to deal with this sort of person too. It wasn't enough that he was constantly feeling like his brain was being pushed to one side, like his ears were trying to give birth to it, but now he had to bear the pain along with this idiot. Jungmin really didn't want to answer him but he was sure the other would go on another tirade if he didn't say something or make some kind of motion.
Pulling his legs slowly towards him he turned to place his feet on the ground. Standing up with his hands in his pockets and started to walk. Saying nothing to Hyungjun but he was sure the other would fill up the silence. Fill it up all the way along the quiet walk to Jungmin's apartment. Up stairs, even though he really should take the elevator, and to the front door. Long fingers tapping in the numbers to the electronic lock so he could tug the door open moments later. Shoving mail in with his foot and removing his shoes shortly after. Placing them to the side with all the other pairs of his shoes. Hanging up his coat and slipping his feet into slippers as he walked further into the apartment. Not sparing a glance or a word to Hyungjun as he plopped himself right back down in the middle of the living room where he'd spent lunch time. On his belly this time so his cheek was against the hard wood floor.
The apartment smelled of medicine, baby lotion and a hint of musk as if someone had been up to some rather intimate activities but Jungmin had no one to share intimacy with. No one but his hand, ever since his last lover had gone, and they shared it all over the four rooms of his apartment though technically the kitchen and living room counted as one room. He had a small bathroom across from the bedroom, that made up the box he called home. Laying a palm flat on the floor he stared at his fingers. Turning his head to the other side and making no sign of planning to move from his spot ever again.
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Mornings were the most difficult part of the day. Hyungjun found it near impossible to drag himself out of bed the months after the incident. He’d wanted to just curl up and pretend he had been the one to die. That he hadn’t held his mother crying against him as they buried Kibum, closed casket. There was not much to recognize him by.
Hyungjun could still recall the cotton swab the medical examiner had passed under his tongue for a mitochondrial sample. He hadn’t wanted to put his mother through the pain. He was happy that he had not when it came up a match. Hyungjun knew what had happened. It was that guy Kibum had been dating the weeks that lead up to the death.
Park Jungmin, a good looking guy even Hyungjun had found himself interested in but backed off because his baby brother saw him first. Things had gone well at first. Kibum was cheerful, playful and his character business was booming. Hyungjun had jokingly warned him that Jungmin could want him just for the money, if only that had been the case.
He runs his fingers through his hair, smoothing out the bed head on the way to the bathroom. It doesn’t surprise him to find the door to his brother’s bedroom open just a crack. Hyungjun hesitates for only a second before pushing it open the rest of the way. His mother lies curled up in Kibum’s bed with the last set of pajamas Kibum wore held tight in her arms. Hyungjun knows better than to try and move her so he just lays a blanket over her.
Smiling weakly when her eyes meet his. She can’t keep her gaze on him for long and he leaves before the usual phrase comes out, you look so much like your brother. Something in the past that had been a comfort now brings him pain. He stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, fingers moving over the stubble on his chin and over his upper lip. Hyungjun brushes his teeth first before getting rid of the hairs. Today is a big day and he needs to look his best for it.
The justice system failed Kibum but he sure as hell won’t. Once his face is smooth he moves into the shower. It doesn’t matter how much he scrubs at himself, he doesn’t feel clean. It’s the thoughts running through his mind that are dirty. He feels them as if they’ve flown out of him and become solid. Leaving trails of wickedness all along his skin that everyone can see.
Everyone but his mother for when he comes out the shower she kisses his forehead and glides into her own room. Closing the door behind herself but Hyungjun can still hear her sobbing. He whispers more to himself than her it’ll be over soon, and he truly believes it will. Kibum’s ghost will stop wandering through their halls aimlessly once Hyungjun finishes the man that made him such a way.
He won’t wake up with his heart pounding against his ribs and Kibum’s sad eyes staring down at him. Pleading and begging for him to do something. Hyungjun can’t ignore his wails in the middle of the night. They drive him insane because he knows what they’re saying, this is your fault, you were supposed to protect me. He should have protected him but he failed, should have watched Jungmin closer. The man’s smiles was just too charming, his laugh just too endearing.
Hyungjun hates himself for even now thinking Jungmin is beautiful. Kibum never stood a chance against a man like that. He’s been conditioning himself not to fall for it too. Collecting photographs and data so that the one wrapped around a finger will be Jungmin not him. Double checking the lock on the door he moves towards the closet. Pulling it open and pushing aside his clothes. He tugs down a sheet and a wall covered with pictures and post it notes is in clear view. The subject is all the same, Park Jungmin.
Birth date April 3, 1987, they are the same age. Hyungjun finds that odd, only a few months rest between them. Blood type O, that doesn’t really surprise him much. Jungmin had seemed so wild and free just like the typical type O, without a care in the world. That’s how Kibum had been as well. Type O brothers, they’d joked about that often.
It wasn’t the physical features he had cared about though. Jungmin was a person that people gravitated to. His words, his actions, all of it was done with such a delicate deliberateness that it seemed to be for one specific person. Everyone in the room would swear it was directed at them when Jungmin was ignoring them all. He was a person that was hard to ignore. The photographs couldn’t capture that.
Jungmin would sit in a Starbucks sipping his coffee like he was making love to the Styrofoam. Holding the straw at the very tips of his fingers like it could break if he weren’t gentle enough. Taking a seat on a park swing on a leisurely stroll and smiling like childhood had never left him. The sun would shine down on him and his hair would glow like it was on fire. He’d watched him each day but then Jungmin had stopped coming outside. Hyungjun was forced to invest in binoculars. He’d taken to sleeping with the woman who’s apartment had a direct view to Jungmin’s place.
She didn’t even care when he set up a telescope at the window. Someone actually wanted her sagging breasts body with the track marks of a misguided youth between her toes, up her arms and places Hyungjun didn’t want to think about. He would remind himself it was all worth it. Today it would come to its conclusion. He ran his fingertip over a sharp jaw line in a black and white picture. Today he would meet Park Jungmin for himself and make him pay for what he had done.
He’d keep his attire simple, jeans that were loose enough not to cut off circulation but tight enough to show off his perky ass. He could recall Kibum wearing something similar any time date night with Jungmin came around. A long sleeved shirt followed with the same effect, show off but don’t reveal everything. That was what Jungmin liked. All of the boys and girls he’d picked up had dressed in that sense. He never liked the skirts too short or the jeans too tight, just the right amount to get his imagination running. Hyungjun had watched him troll clubs for weeks, picking up different people.
Enjoying random fucks in bathrooms and leaving people broken afterward. One time was never enough. The way Kibum had spoken about Jungmin was as if a god were walking among them. Kibum was ever so fortunate to touch that god but he’d just gotten too close. Hyungjun slid his feet into a pair of white high top sneakers and grabbed his coat off the rack. Looking back towards the couch, where Kibum would sit holding Choco up and making her wave good bye.
“Oppa will be back soon.” The dog didn’t even lift her head to him. Everyone felt the loss of Kibum. The door creaked as it shut behind him. Hyungjun took the long route, wanting to take his time. Remembering Kibum lounging in the backseat talking animatedly about everything and nothing. His eyes raised to the rearview mirror, there were eyes staring back at him. Judging him and urging him to go on all at once.
Hyungjun couldn’t stare at them for long. Soon, soon it would be over. He had to keep telling himself that to ease the ringing in his ears. To stop the shouts from Kibum echoing all around him. That star that had chosen to shine over his baby brother would be diminished soon. He parked the car a good deal away from Jungmin’s place and chose to walk the rest of the way. Directions weren’t needed, he’d stood outside of it plenty of times to know where it was.
Angered and pained each time he stood before Jungmin and the man did not recognize his face. A face that was so much like his brother’s but different at the same time. He wanted Jungmin to remember Kibum, maybe if he did it would at least justify what he had done to him. Hyungjun knew he was only kidding himself, nothing would justify how Kibum had been treated. Used and discarded like he was nothing more than a broken toy.
Hyungjun didn’t have to walk the entire way to find Jungmin, the man lay spread across a park bench. This wasn’t at all what he had expected to find. It was the dead among the living. These hands had killed his brother and they were nothing but little twigs glued to paper. Those plump lips that had whispered sweets lies were dry, chapped and so pale Hyungjun couldn’t even tell where they faded to regular flesh. Cheeks once round and full of life were almost completely sunken in now.
He had expected Jungmin to be sick but not to this degree. The man might as well be in a coffin already. What sort of vengeance could he have now? It was devastating but he had gone this far so he would not turn back. All smiles he moved over to the shell of man, introducing himself and giving his excuse. Jungmin still had the temper he did in the past but he was nothing like he used to be. There was no thrill to being at the end of his scolding. No shine to his eyes.
It hurt Hyungjun even more than burying Kibum had. This thing had killed his brother and it didn’t even have enough power to stand up without wheezing. It was such a shame. Kibum had been stronger than the atrocity that sat before him now. Hyungjun wanted to cry, he could feel the tears prickling at his eyes. It just wasn’t fair. What happened to the man that had jumped on his couch and demanded extra rounds of rock, papers, scissors even after sixteen consecutive losses?
Hyungjun wanted to kill him but he wanted to hold him at the same time. The light was gone and he wanted it back. Kibum would understand, wouldn’t he? He trailed after Jungmin, watching how his knees trembled with every step he took. The man probably weighed just about as much as a prepubescent girl at this point. The smell of medicine, baby lotion and musk invaded his nostrils as soon as the apartment door was opened.
He shut the door behind him as he moved further into the place. Stepping out of his sneakers and watching Jungmin lay himself down on the floor. The man was really already dead. What vengeance could he have here when living was more suffering to Jungmin? Hyungjun inspected the apartment, going from the main room to the bedroom. He sat on Jungmin’s bed ignoring the smell that came off of them.
His eyes roaming over the dresser and the night stands widening in shock. Photos of Kibum all over the room, some even as recent as the week before he had died. Jungmin’s cheek pressed to Kibum’s in a few. They were so beautiful that he had to stand and take the picture in his hands. Turning the frame to open the back and slide the photograph out. His brother’s handwriting on the back spelled out a love poem, something copied for a song he would have called Hyungjun stupid for liking.
Kibum had been this in love with Jungmin. He had ignored Hyungjun and wanted only Jungmin. They would make plans to go out together but Kibum would always blow them off with sorry Minnie’s taking me somewhere, tonight. He’d get the promise of tomorrow night but it never came. After all he had done for Kibum his brother chose a killer over him. He sat back on the bed to stare at the photo, there in the corner he saw his own face.
Jungmin was too good for Kibum. A nose that was not too small and not to large, just perfect for placing kisses on the tip of. Skin soft to the touch and the way he whined in bed, it was amazing. Jungmin’s pill popping habit had made it too easy. So often he was out of it that he’d never noticed how Kibum’s eyes became just a tad rounder or his nose just a bit softer. None of those things ever mattered.
Hyungjun put his head in his hands as he moved further back on the bed. Pressing his back against the headboard. They had both tried to leave him. Jungmin laying in a hospital bed as Kibum held his hand and told him it would be all right but it wasn’t all right. Jungmin had woken up alone, no idea what was going on. It had been that easy to erase Kibum but damn had he tried to get back into the older man’s life. His baby brother had fought to get himself back into memories that were no longer in the head of the man he loved.
He couldn’t have that. They would both leave him again. Too perfect, too beautiful, Hyungjun had thought it since the first day Jungmin walked into their lives. He’d given Kibum everything and wanted just this one thing. That perfect smile, laugh and the happiness that he could have had if it weren’t for Kibum. He doesn’t even remember slamming his face against the concrete, Kibum asking why hyung as he reaches desperately for his hands. Trying to stop the attack but the twitches of death soon over take him.
Jungmin had seen it then. Stood over the body, looked Hyungjun in the eye and fainted. He’d laid him in the bath tub shortly after, leaving him for someone else to find. He’d cried alone for hours until his mother called to inform him the police had found Kibum. It hadn’t taken long. Hyungjun had been lucky enough to be wearing gloves that day, he’d washed off his shoes before coming home. Helped identify the body the very same day and stood by his mother as it was buried weeks later. Embraced her as months later the case was declared cold.
He gasped as he let the photograph fall from his hand. All that had been so he could have that little gift from Heaven to himself and Heaven was seeing fit to take it away. It couldn’t be all for nothing. Watching Jungmin for years, waiting and wanting for the other to desire him just as much as he did him. Did Jungmin even remember how he had protected him from bullies his first year of high school? No one remembered, cry baby Hyungjun. It was always Kibum who hit back when a bully put him down even if there were tears in his own eyes. That was who everyone had loved. That was who Jungmin had loved.
“What are you doing?” He raised his head to the doorway seeing the way the other man quivered. He knew Jungmin must be cold so he patted the space on the bed beside him. The words from the park must have been fresh in Jungmin’s mind as the man hesitated. What was it Kibum had said that last day right before he left Jungmin all alone? He’d been foolish enough to leave his coat behind, or maybe he had planned it, but Jungmin had come after him to return it. A smile slowly crept onto Hyungjun’s face.
“There’s just no one like you. Weird like you. Crazy like you.”
“Weird enough to love you. Crazy enough to never leave you.” The smile spread wider as Jungmin finished the statement. He opened his arms, sighing as Jungmin staggered into them. Burying his nose into damp black locks. He pulled the sheet up around their bodies as he held the far too thin form close to his own heat. There wasn’t much time left, he could feel that already.
“Don’t worry I’ll never leave you.” Kibum could scream all he wanted, there was no way he could have Jungmin now. Maybe vengeance was just a bit overrated, Hyungjun could only hope so but it didn’t matter when Jungmin would never have the mind to realize he should be seeking it.
Poll Round 9: No One Like You