Cyanide Presents: Sparkle Pony Kingdom Hearts Yay!
Title:The Magic Bridle Kingdom Hearts Club
Author:HorseMagic17
Rating:
Full Name (including any titles): The Saddle Club ( Carole Hanson, Stephanie "Stevie" Lake, and Lisa Atwood), Veronica diAngelo, Jessica, Christine, various Kingdom Hearts characters inculding Sora, Kairi, and Yuffie, and Leon's evil twin.
Full Species(es):Equis Guasto Di Combinazione Del Cavallo
Hair Color (include adjectives): presumably as canon, original female characters unknown
Eye Color (include adjectives):presumably as canon, original female characters unkown
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Nothing unusual... yet.
Special Possessions (if any): A dapple-gray gelding, an Arabian-American saddle-bred, a part thoroughbred, part quarter horse bay gelding, a thoroughbred bay mare, a thoroughbred, a Caspian (gray all over), a magical Playstation, a lip-gloss sword, a hand bag of destruction, magic wands, golden-bronze horseshoes that had the head of Mickey Mouse (trinity mark), and sassy
attitudes.
Origin: The Saddle Club series of books, California, and the imaginations of two girls who clearly want a pony for Christmas.
Connections To Canon Characters: Either claim to be them or got sucked into the game and met them.
Special Abilities: Pulling weapons they never knew they had previously out of hammer space.
Other Annoying Traits: Constant persecution of a canonically antagonistic character, practical jokes, total lack of descriptions unless it involves a horse. Strange point-of-view changes and very simple sentence structure.
I Say/Notes: The first four chapters of an apparently unfinished 25 chapter fic. It's a crossover between Kingdom Hearts and The Saddle Club, a series of books about girls who ride horses for girls who want to ride horses and are about 10-13 years old. Veronica is the main antagonist of the series of books, and is supposed to be a bitch, and yet I hate her the least out of all the hypocritical characters populating this fic.
On the plus side, there is little to no problem with grammer or spelling. In fact, there are more likely to be spelling errors in my running commentary than in the fic itself. Thus the fic earned itself an overall score of two shadows from me for now.
This is the first of two parts, since chapter four is long enough that I felt it needed to be posted seperately.
Sample:
Cid, Demyx, and Luxord were somewhat surprised to find themselves in theater three that afternoon. Axel, Kairi, Riku, and Sora had left a note taped to the popcorn machine reading “Gone Fishing” and since your omniscient sporker didn’t feel like tracking them down, the first three unlucky passersby were tapped to sit in on this sporking.
“I knew I shouldn’t have tried to get a candy bar out of the vending machine in the lobby,” grumbled Demyx as Cid flipped through the script.
“Well I for one am never attempting to sneak into the theater to watch “The Gambler” on the big screen again if this is going to happen,” Luxord sighed.
“Quit yer bitchin’, both of you. At least you two aren’t in this, so yer sufferin’ less then I am,” Cid snapped.
The projector hummed to life up in the booth, and Cid elbowed both Nobodies sharpley.
“Hey, the fic’s starting. Guess we better switch to script format for easy reading,” observed Demyx.
“Right. Let’s get this over with,” said Luxord as the title scrolled up, presenting the three with their fic:
Written by Christine and Jessica
The Magic Bridle Kingdom Hearts Club
Demyx: Why do they need to put “Kingdom Hearts” in the title? We know it’s about Kingdom Hearts.
Luxord: I will bet either one of you five munny that both Christine and Jessica appear as characters in this.
Cid: Yer on.
Chapter One: Veronica’s Dream
All around me, I could see white. My bedroom had disappeared.
Cid: *as Veronica* I know I left that bedroom here a minute ago.
The voice I had heard many times before said, ‘You and your friends will help Sora and his friends defeat evil all over the creative world. You have no choice in this.’ Then the voice stopped. It was a high pitched voice, but I couldn’t tell if it belonged to a girl or a boy.
Demyx: “Creative world”?
Luxord: It’s populated by artists, musicians, and writers. The evil they must defeat is the horde of bill collectorssince their useless degrees make them unemployable.
I saw other worlds. Places I had never seen before.
Cid: *as Veronica* As opposed to those other worlds I had seen before a million times. Yawn.
My bedroom was back to normal, and I felt like kicking something.
Demyx: Because of a dream? What do you do after a nightmare then, stab somebody?
I got out of bed and kicked my dresser. It shook and cosmetics rattled around atop it. I hugged my foot to myself, crying softly.
Luxord: *as Veronica* Oh foot, you’re my only real friend!
I was so confused. Why me?
Cid: I’m so confused. Why us?
Chapter Two: Sky Tree Stables
Surprise! It’s The Saddle Club! And they’re training in California!
Luxord: Wait, wait, the Saddle Club? Isn’t that a book series for little girls?
Cid: Yeah, they ride horses and shit. Although Veronica isn’t really their friend, more like their main antagonist…
Luxord: How would you know, Cid?
Cid: Yuffie read those books as a kid and when you’re gonna be on the john for awhile, reading material is reading material.
I have my own horse. He is Danny, a gelding, a dapple-gray, a bloodline descendant from Secretariat, and a racehorse.
Luxord: Being a descendant implies being of the same bloodline, doesn’t it?
Demyx: Is she saying that her horse is a racehorse, or that it’s descended from Secretariat and some other
racehorse?
Meet the main characters from the Saddle Club series, Stevie, Carole, and Lisa. They have horses, and we are treated to a description of each and every horse and how each girl came to own their respective horse. If you really care, check out the wikipedia article, but it’s not really important.
Then there are the girls who normally board here, Jessica and Christine.
Luxord: Ha! Pay up Cid.
Cid: *grumbles*
I don’t like them.
All: And we don’t like you.
Phoenix has four stockings and a blaze, a thoroughbred. His registered name is Order of Phoenix.
Demyx: Gee, do you think someone likes Harry Potter?
Cid: Nah, I don’t know how you’d get that impression.
He is Jessica’s horse. He used to be a racehorse, until his former owners claimed he was useless. He once raced in the Triple Crown.
Luxord: And lost spectacularly.
He’s a stallion, and a one-girl horse. Once I tried to get near him, but he reared up at me. That stupid horse of Jessica’s knocked me into the manure. As I walked away, the horse even bit my butt. Jessica laughed. I never forgave her.
Demyx: And yet a rich girl in a lawsuit-happy nation didn’t sue Jessica’s parents over being bitten by a violent horse?
Luxord: So unrealistic. The magic is now broken for me.
Brianna is a Caspian, gray all over. She is Christine’s horse, a mare. Christine has only been riding for a few weeks, and has already been putting Brianna over jumps. How does she do it?
Cid: She’s a self-insert, that’s how. I’ll be she has other special talents too.
Christine has a horse, too. Veronica puts lip-gloss on to impress her horse (who appreciates the gesture, I’m sure), and there are some more horse related descriptions in simple sentences.
Christine was there, too. “Thanks for letting me stay at your house last night. I wish I could see Michael again. Is he visiting today?”
Luxord: Who’s Michael, and who exactly is talking? Christine? Veronica? The horse?
“Oh, no problem, and he won’t be coming. He is lazy. You know him. Video games.”
Cid: What about video games? Does he play them? Design them? Sell them? Get sucked into them and have special magical adventures?
Demyx: I think it may be Veronica and company who do that last one.
“Hey, I like video games.”
Luxord: Once again, I have no idea whom is speaking.
“I know. That is why you are borrowing Kingdom Hearts, and are bringing it into the stable. I don’t know why, when it could so easily be broken, but I guess you could replace it if you needed to.”
Cid: More importantly, where’re you plannin’ on playing a video game in a stable? I don’t think horses are Playstation compatible.
I finished putting on the lip-gloss, on my guard against Phoenix.
Demyx: Because as we all know, lip-gloss repels horses.
“Hey, what are you guys talking about?” Jessica asked, appearing out of nowhere.
Luxord: First she names her horse after a Harry Potter novel, and now she can do magic.
“Kingdom Hearts,” Christine told her.
“Oh, really? I love that game. I have the game, and the graphic novels.”
Luxord: *as Jessica* And the figurines, and a Keyblade, and the Playstation that transports me to magical worlds, and the kyo bag…
Demyx: Wrong fic. The kyo bag is someone else.
Jessica turned to Phoenix. “Aw, are you giving Veronica trouble, you silly horse,” she babied it.
Demyx: That’s one diaper I would never want to change. Ever.
Cid: Not that kind of babyin’ dumbass.
She leaned closer and whispered in his ear, thinking I couldn’t hear, “Good boy.”
I wanted to gag.
Demyx: I’m with you. This fic makes me gag.
She is so mean. She must have seen what he did to me, and yet she is still saying, ‘Good boy.’ I really should get her back. Maybe I could have Stevie play a practical joke on her.
Cid: Because public humiliation solves all problems.
Luxord: I admit a certain preference for the old “plastic wrap over the toilet bowl” trick, but that’s not so much a joke as it is cruel, hilarious, and disgusting.
“Why do you hate me, Jessica?” I asked sweetly.
Demyx: Don’t hate her because she’s beautiful.
Jessica basically summarizes some of the major events in the series, and Veronica throws a hissy fit and leaves.
I saw Stevie, Carole, and Lisa. They were coming toward the stables.
Luxord: Run while you still have the chance!
More dialogue establishing once again that Phoenix the horse doesn’t like Veronica.
Chapter Three: Kingdom Hearts
After the lesson, I played Kingdom Hearts. Everyone else watched her play.
Luxord: Oh no, we slipped into the third person!
Suddenly, the game froze. Veronica was so upset. I was at the final cut scene.
Cid: She slipped into her alternate Personality, who I’m gonna dub “Veronica 2”.
“I can’t believe it! What’s wrong with this stupid thing?”
Demyx: I don’t know, maybe the fact that of all the things you picked to do a crossover with, you picked Kingdom Hearts and The Saddle Club which have pretty much nothing in common?
Cid: She was talkin’ about the video game.
“Hey, Veronica, remember it’s ours, not yours,” Christine told me.
“Shut up Christine.”
Luxord: Said the disembodied voice.
All the horses started to whinny and neigh.
Cid: They’re tryin’ to tell you to quit playin’ video games and clean their stalls.
“SHUT UP YOU STUPID PONIES! I’M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE! Could all you girls get the horses to shut up? And tell Phoenix to stop rearing. He’s going to hurt me if he doesn’t stop it.”
Luxord: Why are you in a horse’s stall playing video games? Wouldn’t a house or something be more comfortable?
This made them even louder. I tried to eject the disc to see what was wrong with it. Before I could get to the button, the world began to disappear around me, but not the other girls and the horses. “What’s going on here!”
Cid: No way. She didn’t just get sucked into the video game through the Playstation.
Luxord: I wish I had known ahead of time, we could have played “The Fanfic Cliché Drinking Game”.
Demyx: Wow, that’s one powerful console if it can suck up not just six girls but a stable full of horses too.
Cid: It’s the deluxe model with the transdimensional gateway device and the manure-proofin’.
The other girls seemed to be just as confused. When we landed in a town, we thought it looked familiar.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Cid: We’re still readin’ this pile of crap!
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
“Veronica, why are we in your game?” Carole asked me.
Demyx: I guess getting sucked into games must be old hat for Carole, because she doesn’t seem surprised.
Luxord: *as Carole* Oh well, another day in a video game. Ho hum. Maybe I can take this time to write my grocery list or do my nails.
“Hey, don’t look at me. It isn’t my fault.”
“I think we’ve been abducted by aliens,” Stevie told them with a smile.
Demyx: *as Stevie* I hope they give us anal probes!
“It isn’t funny, Stevie, so shut up.”
Cid: She’s just upset because the last time she was abducted the aliens left crop circles in her hair.
“My, my, you like to say that, don’t you?” Christine asked me.
“I think we’re in Traverse Town, to be exact, and it would seem that this is real, and not just a game,” Lisa informed us.
Cid: Or maybe it’s just a crock of horse shit. You’ve got enough around, I think that’s your answer.
“Yeah. Why don’t you do something useful?
Luxord: Like finding the rest of my quotation marks,” said the Disembodied Voice.
There are Heartless, but Veronica decides that shopping for new clothes is more important. Seriously.
“Hey, you guys!” a strange voice came.
They all looked for the voice, and there, we saw a stupid heartless standing between us and the shops.
Luxord: Just because that Heartless went to community college instead of a four year accredited university does not mean it’s stupid.
Demyx: Yeah, it’s smarter than most Heartless if it can talk
Cid: It’s first words were “darkness” and “submit”.
I wanted to go over and smack it with my keyblade, but instead, I pulled out a… it looked like lip-gloss, but really big. “Can you imagine? Lip gloss as big as a sword?”
Cid: What the fucking hell?
Demyx: I’ll give her props for coming up with a new and certainly unique weapon, but seriously, what kind of damage can you do with a tube of lip-gloss?
I spun it around hit the heartless on the head. The pink gloss stuck to its head and it sniffed the air. Then it tried to rub it off.
Luxord: Well, I guess she can’t do much damage with it at all. At least she made the Heartless glossy.
As it did, she smacked it as hard as she could and knocked it off its feet. “You won’t be stealing money from a di Angelo.”
Demyx: *as Veronica* Veronica angry! Veronica smash!
Luxord: What’s a di Angelo?
Cid: It’s her last name, even though you would never know that without reading the books.
“You don’t have any money, remember?” Stevie reminded me.
“Oh, do shut up.” I took out my purse and swung in at the heartless. It had had enough, and it evaporated into thin air.
Luxord: *as Heartless* I am no match for your lip-gloss and purse combo!
“Hey, girl, that was pretty amazing.” The girl walked up to me. “Where did you learn to do something like that?”
Cid: What girl? The mysterious voice is a girl now?
“Yuffie? Is that you?” I asked. “I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming, this isn’t happening. Come on, wake up! Wake up!”
“Veronica, have you forgotten everything I’ve told you?” a different voice asked me.
Luxord: *as Veronica* I guess so Voice. It also seems I have forgotten my medication this week, because I keep hearing voices, Voice.
“Sora?”
“Yup.”
Luxord: What a stimulating conversation.
Sora walked up to me. “Wow, you’re tall. I always thought you would be short.”
Cid: Why can’t these writers ever tell us who’s talking?
Sora looked annoyed. “Like I said, have-”
Demyx: She made a Sora is short joke. Ice burn.
“What’s up?” Donald came up to us, cutting, Sora off. “Woah, Baby, you’re hot. Mind if I give you a little smooch?”
All: *gape*
Demyx: No way. Donald did not just hit on some teenage girl.
Luxord: Since when was Donald Duck sleazy?
Cid: That ain’t Donald, it’s some kinda Pod-Donald. Although, I havta admit, there's something a little shady about a giant sentient duck who wears a shirt and hat but no pants.
“Might I remind you that you’re married?” Christine told him.
Luxord: You could remind us, because I was under the impression that he was only dating Daisy.
Cid: I guess it’s that wife of his that he never talks about and cheats on with Daisy.
“Over my dead body!” I told him. Then I smacked him.
Demyx: And then Donald cast Thundaga on her because nobody smacks around Donald Duck and lives.
“By the way, you deserved that.” Goofy walked up last.
Cid: No, Goofy, don’t you side with her too.
“Touch me and die. Alright? Got it? Good.”
Yuffie spoke up. “You know, it’s dangerous out here now, so we should all get inside, even the horses.”
Cid: Run away… from the defeated Heartless.
Carole asked, “Oh, are they okay?”
Luxord: *as Carole* We were too busy planning our shopping trip to check or anything.
“The chestnut horse with white stockings tried to take a chunk out of Leon Squall.”
Demyx: Who?
Luxord: I thought his name was Squall Leonhart.
Cid: It is. Leon Squall is his long lost evil twin. Leon doesn’t like to talk about ‘im much, cause he’s responsible for all that bad Leon/Cloud slash out there.
Leon tries to make friends with the evil horse Phoenix, and fails. Donald makes his own attempt and Phoenix decides that
duck is on the menu tonight.
“Maybe because he doesn’t know you?” Sora suggested.
Demyx: Or maybe because that horse is pretty much evil to everyone.
“Since when did you know so much about horses?” Yuffie asked.
Luxord: *as Sora* Since I took the Veterinary Medicine course at Destiny Islands Community College.
“Yeah!” they all chimed in.
“Have you ever even been on a horse?” I asked.
Demyx: *as Sora* My family’s been raising horses for generations and I finished second in the Destiny Island Championship, missy, so do not dare insinuate that I don’t know horses.
“Let’s all get inside, and then we can introduce ourselves.” Yuffie suggested,
Cid: Even though they all seem to know each other anyway.
Leon has a chat with Thing 1, Christine, and learns Phoenix’s tragic, angst ridden backstory. Then Phoenix, the world’s
angriest horse, bites Leon on the ass.
Part 2 is here!
Author:HorseMagic17
Rating:
Full Name (including any titles): The Saddle Club ( Carole Hanson, Stephanie "Stevie" Lake, and Lisa Atwood), Veronica diAngelo, Jessica, Christine, various Kingdom Hearts characters inculding Sora, Kairi, and Yuffie, and Leon's evil twin.
Full Species(es):Equis Guasto Di Combinazione Del Cavallo
Hair Color (include adjectives): presumably as canon, original female characters unknown
Eye Color (include adjectives):presumably as canon, original female characters unkown
Unusual Markings/Colorations/Physical Features: Nothing unusual... yet.
Special Possessions (if any): A dapple-gray gelding, an Arabian-American saddle-bred, a part thoroughbred, part quarter horse bay gelding, a thoroughbred bay mare, a thoroughbred, a Caspian (gray all over), a magical Playstation, a lip-gloss sword, a hand bag of destruction, magic wands, golden-bronze horseshoes that had the head of Mickey Mouse (trinity mark), and sassy
attitudes.
Origin: The Saddle Club series of books, California, and the imaginations of two girls who clearly want a pony for Christmas.
Connections To Canon Characters: Either claim to be them or got sucked into the game and met them.
Special Abilities: Pulling weapons they never knew they had previously out of hammer space.
Other Annoying Traits: Constant persecution of a canonically antagonistic character, practical jokes, total lack of descriptions unless it involves a horse. Strange point-of-view changes and very simple sentence structure.
I Say/Notes: The first four chapters of an apparently unfinished 25 chapter fic. It's a crossover between Kingdom Hearts and The Saddle Club, a series of books about girls who ride horses for girls who want to ride horses and are about 10-13 years old. Veronica is the main antagonist of the series of books, and is supposed to be a bitch, and yet I hate her the least out of all the hypocritical characters populating this fic.
On the plus side, there is little to no problem with grammer or spelling. In fact, there are more likely to be spelling errors in my running commentary than in the fic itself. Thus the fic earned itself an overall score of two shadows from me for now.
This is the first of two parts, since chapter four is long enough that I felt it needed to be posted seperately.
Sample:
Cid, Demyx, and Luxord were somewhat surprised to find themselves in theater three that afternoon. Axel, Kairi, Riku, and Sora had left a note taped to the popcorn machine reading “Gone Fishing” and since your omniscient sporker didn’t feel like tracking them down, the first three unlucky passersby were tapped to sit in on this sporking.
“I knew I shouldn’t have tried to get a candy bar out of the vending machine in the lobby,” grumbled Demyx as Cid flipped through the script.
“Well I for one am never attempting to sneak into the theater to watch “The Gambler” on the big screen again if this is going to happen,” Luxord sighed.
“Quit yer bitchin’, both of you. At least you two aren’t in this, so yer sufferin’ less then I am,” Cid snapped.
The projector hummed to life up in the booth, and Cid elbowed both Nobodies sharpley.
“Hey, the fic’s starting. Guess we better switch to script format for easy reading,” observed Demyx.
“Right. Let’s get this over with,” said Luxord as the title scrolled up, presenting the three with their fic:
Written by Christine and Jessica
The Magic Bridle Kingdom Hearts Club
Demyx: Why do they need to put “Kingdom Hearts” in the title? We know it’s about Kingdom Hearts.
Luxord: I will bet either one of you five munny that both Christine and Jessica appear as characters in this.
Cid: Yer on.
Chapter One: Veronica’s Dream
All around me, I could see white. My bedroom had disappeared.
Cid: *as Veronica* I know I left that bedroom here a minute ago.
The voice I had heard many times before said, ‘You and your friends will help Sora and his friends defeat evil all over the creative world. You have no choice in this.’ Then the voice stopped. It was a high pitched voice, but I couldn’t tell if it belonged to a girl or a boy.
Demyx: “Creative world”?
Luxord: It’s populated by artists, musicians, and writers. The evil they must defeat is the horde of bill collectorssince their useless degrees make them unemployable.
I saw other worlds. Places I had never seen before.
Cid: *as Veronica* As opposed to those other worlds I had seen before a million times. Yawn.
My bedroom was back to normal, and I felt like kicking something.
Demyx: Because of a dream? What do you do after a nightmare then, stab somebody?
I got out of bed and kicked my dresser. It shook and cosmetics rattled around atop it. I hugged my foot to myself, crying softly.
Luxord: *as Veronica* Oh foot, you’re my only real friend!
I was so confused. Why me?
Cid: I’m so confused. Why us?
Chapter Two: Sky Tree Stables
Surprise! It’s The Saddle Club! And they’re training in California!
Luxord: Wait, wait, the Saddle Club? Isn’t that a book series for little girls?
Cid: Yeah, they ride horses and shit. Although Veronica isn’t really their friend, more like their main antagonist…
Luxord: How would you know, Cid?
Cid: Yuffie read those books as a kid and when you’re gonna be on the john for awhile, reading material is reading material.
I have my own horse. He is Danny, a gelding, a dapple-gray, a bloodline descendant from Secretariat, and a racehorse.
Luxord: Being a descendant implies being of the same bloodline, doesn’t it?
Demyx: Is she saying that her horse is a racehorse, or that it’s descended from Secretariat and some other
racehorse?
Meet the main characters from the Saddle Club series, Stevie, Carole, and Lisa. They have horses, and we are treated to a description of each and every horse and how each girl came to own their respective horse. If you really care, check out the wikipedia article, but it’s not really important.
Then there are the girls who normally board here, Jessica and Christine.
Luxord: Ha! Pay up Cid.
Cid: *grumbles*
I don’t like them.
All: And we don’t like you.
Phoenix has four stockings and a blaze, a thoroughbred. His registered name is Order of Phoenix.
Demyx: Gee, do you think someone likes Harry Potter?
Cid: Nah, I don’t know how you’d get that impression.
He is Jessica’s horse. He used to be a racehorse, until his former owners claimed he was useless. He once raced in the Triple Crown.
Luxord: And lost spectacularly.
He’s a stallion, and a one-girl horse. Once I tried to get near him, but he reared up at me. That stupid horse of Jessica’s knocked me into the manure. As I walked away, the horse even bit my butt. Jessica laughed. I never forgave her.
Demyx: And yet a rich girl in a lawsuit-happy nation didn’t sue Jessica’s parents over being bitten by a violent horse?
Luxord: So unrealistic. The magic is now broken for me.
Brianna is a Caspian, gray all over. She is Christine’s horse, a mare. Christine has only been riding for a few weeks, and has already been putting Brianna over jumps. How does she do it?
Cid: She’s a self-insert, that’s how. I’ll be she has other special talents too.
Christine has a horse, too. Veronica puts lip-gloss on to impress her horse (who appreciates the gesture, I’m sure), and there are some more horse related descriptions in simple sentences.
Christine was there, too. “Thanks for letting me stay at your house last night. I wish I could see Michael again. Is he visiting today?”
Luxord: Who’s Michael, and who exactly is talking? Christine? Veronica? The horse?
“Oh, no problem, and he won’t be coming. He is lazy. You know him. Video games.”
Cid: What about video games? Does he play them? Design them? Sell them? Get sucked into them and have special magical adventures?
Demyx: I think it may be Veronica and company who do that last one.
“Hey, I like video games.”
Luxord: Once again, I have no idea whom is speaking.
“I know. That is why you are borrowing Kingdom Hearts, and are bringing it into the stable. I don’t know why, when it could so easily be broken, but I guess you could replace it if you needed to.”
Cid: More importantly, where’re you plannin’ on playing a video game in a stable? I don’t think horses are Playstation compatible.
I finished putting on the lip-gloss, on my guard against Phoenix.
Demyx: Because as we all know, lip-gloss repels horses.
“Hey, what are you guys talking about?” Jessica asked, appearing out of nowhere.
Luxord: First she names her horse after a Harry Potter novel, and now she can do magic.
“Kingdom Hearts,” Christine told her.
“Oh, really? I love that game. I have the game, and the graphic novels.”
Luxord: *as Jessica* And the figurines, and a Keyblade, and the Playstation that transports me to magical worlds, and the kyo bag…
Demyx: Wrong fic. The kyo bag is someone else.
Jessica turned to Phoenix. “Aw, are you giving Veronica trouble, you silly horse,” she babied it.
Demyx: That’s one diaper I would never want to change. Ever.
Cid: Not that kind of babyin’ dumbass.
She leaned closer and whispered in his ear, thinking I couldn’t hear, “Good boy.”
I wanted to gag.
Demyx: I’m with you. This fic makes me gag.
She is so mean. She must have seen what he did to me, and yet she is still saying, ‘Good boy.’ I really should get her back. Maybe I could have Stevie play a practical joke on her.
Cid: Because public humiliation solves all problems.
Luxord: I admit a certain preference for the old “plastic wrap over the toilet bowl” trick, but that’s not so much a joke as it is cruel, hilarious, and disgusting.
“Why do you hate me, Jessica?” I asked sweetly.
Demyx: Don’t hate her because she’s beautiful.
Jessica basically summarizes some of the major events in the series, and Veronica throws a hissy fit and leaves.
I saw Stevie, Carole, and Lisa. They were coming toward the stables.
Luxord: Run while you still have the chance!
More dialogue establishing once again that Phoenix the horse doesn’t like Veronica.
Chapter Three: Kingdom Hearts
After the lesson, I played Kingdom Hearts. Everyone else watched her play.
Luxord: Oh no, we slipped into the third person!
Suddenly, the game froze. Veronica was so upset. I was at the final cut scene.
Cid: She slipped into her alternate Personality, who I’m gonna dub “Veronica 2”.
“I can’t believe it! What’s wrong with this stupid thing?”
Demyx: I don’t know, maybe the fact that of all the things you picked to do a crossover with, you picked Kingdom Hearts and The Saddle Club which have pretty much nothing in common?
Cid: She was talkin’ about the video game.
“Hey, Veronica, remember it’s ours, not yours,” Christine told me.
“Shut up Christine.”
Luxord: Said the disembodied voice.
All the horses started to whinny and neigh.
Cid: They’re tryin’ to tell you to quit playin’ video games and clean their stalls.
“SHUT UP YOU STUPID PONIES! I’M TRYING TO CONCENTRATE! Could all you girls get the horses to shut up? And tell Phoenix to stop rearing. He’s going to hurt me if he doesn’t stop it.”
Luxord: Why are you in a horse’s stall playing video games? Wouldn’t a house or something be more comfortable?
This made them even louder. I tried to eject the disc to see what was wrong with it. Before I could get to the button, the world began to disappear around me, but not the other girls and the horses. “What’s going on here!”
Cid: No way. She didn’t just get sucked into the video game through the Playstation.
Luxord: I wish I had known ahead of time, we could have played “The Fanfic Cliché Drinking Game”.
Demyx: Wow, that’s one powerful console if it can suck up not just six girls but a stable full of horses too.
Cid: It’s the deluxe model with the transdimensional gateway device and the manure-proofin’.
The other girls seemed to be just as confused. When we landed in a town, we thought it looked familiar.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!”
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
Cid: We’re still readin’ this pile of crap!
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
“Veronica, why are we in your game?” Carole asked me.
Demyx: I guess getting sucked into games must be old hat for Carole, because she doesn’t seem surprised.
Luxord: *as Carole* Oh well, another day in a video game. Ho hum. Maybe I can take this time to write my grocery list or do my nails.
“Hey, don’t look at me. It isn’t my fault.”
“I think we’ve been abducted by aliens,” Stevie told them with a smile.
Demyx: *as Stevie* I hope they give us anal probes!
“It isn’t funny, Stevie, so shut up.”
Cid: She’s just upset because the last time she was abducted the aliens left crop circles in her hair.
“My, my, you like to say that, don’t you?” Christine asked me.
“I think we’re in Traverse Town, to be exact, and it would seem that this is real, and not just a game,” Lisa informed us.
Cid: Or maybe it’s just a crock of horse shit. You’ve got enough around, I think that’s your answer.
“Yeah. Why don’t you do something useful?
Luxord: Like finding the rest of my quotation marks,” said the Disembodied Voice.
There are Heartless, but Veronica decides that shopping for new clothes is more important. Seriously.
“Hey, you guys!” a strange voice came.
They all looked for the voice, and there, we saw a stupid heartless standing between us and the shops.
Luxord: Just because that Heartless went to community college instead of a four year accredited university does not mean it’s stupid.
Demyx: Yeah, it’s smarter than most Heartless if it can talk
Cid: It’s first words were “darkness” and “submit”.
I wanted to go over and smack it with my keyblade, but instead, I pulled out a… it looked like lip-gloss, but really big. “Can you imagine? Lip gloss as big as a sword?”
Cid: What the fucking hell?
Demyx: I’ll give her props for coming up with a new and certainly unique weapon, but seriously, what kind of damage can you do with a tube of lip-gloss?
I spun it around hit the heartless on the head. The pink gloss stuck to its head and it sniffed the air. Then it tried to rub it off.
Luxord: Well, I guess she can’t do much damage with it at all. At least she made the Heartless glossy.
As it did, she smacked it as hard as she could and knocked it off its feet. “You won’t be stealing money from a di Angelo.”
Demyx: *as Veronica* Veronica angry! Veronica smash!
Luxord: What’s a di Angelo?
Cid: It’s her last name, even though you would never know that without reading the books.
“You don’t have any money, remember?” Stevie reminded me.
“Oh, do shut up.” I took out my purse and swung in at the heartless. It had had enough, and it evaporated into thin air.
Luxord: *as Heartless* I am no match for your lip-gloss and purse combo!
“Hey, girl, that was pretty amazing.” The girl walked up to me. “Where did you learn to do something like that?”
Cid: What girl? The mysterious voice is a girl now?
“Yuffie? Is that you?” I asked. “I’m dreaming, I’m dreaming, this isn’t happening. Come on, wake up! Wake up!”
“Veronica, have you forgotten everything I’ve told you?” a different voice asked me.
Luxord: *as Veronica* I guess so Voice. It also seems I have forgotten my medication this week, because I keep hearing voices, Voice.
“Sora?”
“Yup.”
Luxord: What a stimulating conversation.
Sora walked up to me. “Wow, you’re tall. I always thought you would be short.”
Cid: Why can’t these writers ever tell us who’s talking?
Sora looked annoyed. “Like I said, have-”
Demyx: She made a Sora is short joke. Ice burn.
“What’s up?” Donald came up to us, cutting, Sora off. “Woah, Baby, you’re hot. Mind if I give you a little smooch?”
All: *gape*
Demyx: No way. Donald did not just hit on some teenage girl.
Luxord: Since when was Donald Duck sleazy?
Cid: That ain’t Donald, it’s some kinda Pod-Donald. Although, I havta admit, there's something a little shady about a giant sentient duck who wears a shirt and hat but no pants.
“Might I remind you that you’re married?” Christine told him.
Luxord: You could remind us, because I was under the impression that he was only dating Daisy.
Cid: I guess it’s that wife of his that he never talks about and cheats on with Daisy.
“Over my dead body!” I told him. Then I smacked him.
Demyx: And then Donald cast Thundaga on her because nobody smacks around Donald Duck and lives.
“By the way, you deserved that.” Goofy walked up last.
Cid: No, Goofy, don’t you side with her too.
“Touch me and die. Alright? Got it? Good.”
Yuffie spoke up. “You know, it’s dangerous out here now, so we should all get inside, even the horses.”
Cid: Run away… from the defeated Heartless.
Carole asked, “Oh, are they okay?”
Luxord: *as Carole* We were too busy planning our shopping trip to check or anything.
“The chestnut horse with white stockings tried to take a chunk out of Leon Squall.”
Demyx: Who?
Luxord: I thought his name was Squall Leonhart.
Cid: It is. Leon Squall is his long lost evil twin. Leon doesn’t like to talk about ‘im much, cause he’s responsible for all that bad Leon/Cloud slash out there.
Leon tries to make friends with the evil horse Phoenix, and fails. Donald makes his own attempt and Phoenix decides that
duck is on the menu tonight.
“Maybe because he doesn’t know you?” Sora suggested.
Demyx: Or maybe because that horse is pretty much evil to everyone.
“Since when did you know so much about horses?” Yuffie asked.
Luxord: *as Sora* Since I took the Veterinary Medicine course at Destiny Islands Community College.
“Yeah!” they all chimed in.
“Have you ever even been on a horse?” I asked.
Demyx: *as Sora* My family’s been raising horses for generations and I finished second in the Destiny Island Championship, missy, so do not dare insinuate that I don’t know horses.
“Let’s all get inside, and then we can introduce ourselves.” Yuffie suggested,
Cid: Even though they all seem to know each other anyway.
Leon has a chat with Thing 1, Christine, and learns Phoenix’s tragic, angst ridden backstory. Then Phoenix, the world’s
angriest horse, bites Leon on the ass.
Part 2 is here!