such a long overdue post about my feels

Jan 26, 2012 06:44

I'm only posting this here because there is no risk of anyone seeing this. At least not anyone I know. I ostracize myself enough already, this sure ain't gonna help.

I recently finished reading Stockholm Syndrome again for the gazillionth time. How does it always have the exact same effect on me? I mean, of course nothing beats the very first time around. I've never been properly heart broken from a fic til then. Well ok I had, but this one has always been different. It left me in a haze and depressed for weeks. Even during the time I was reading it my mind was focused on nothing else 24/7 even if I was away from the computer. I remember how hard it hurt reading those whole last few chapters. Endless sobbing. Hurt from the words in the book and the pain of stifling my cries. It really was so bad that I had to step away from it numerous times or I wouldn't be able to stay quiet. I imagine that's what a real break-up feels like. The feeling like you're dying and not in anyway melodramatic. Seriously feeling your insides just going mush in the worst way and your head pounding from how much you don't want to cry even though you are. Every time I read this fic I still suffer from these symptoms, just not as severe as the first time. It still hurts like hell; real hurt. I still cry and mope for weeks. It may just be slash and a shit ton of porn but that book is really so much more to me and so very deserving of the honor of being my favorite.

The other reason I cry so much though, is because of the pain of constantly seeing Noel and Julian in my mind as those characters. It makes me think of them and how they are and it's honestly the most complicated feeling to explain. I see them now, how much they've aged since they first met and it just-well-breaks my heart. Not because they are older now, but because...FUCK I don't know. Seeing them come this far...After over 15 years Julian still looks at Noel with this look that he ONLY gives him and it kills me because he loves him so much. They both love each other so much.

Now I'm not so deranged to believe that they ever had a thing. BUT I firmly stand by the belief that they are in love. Not what we usually consider being "in love" though; it's more like, their own certain special brand of it. It's just so (obviously) deeply rooted, and it goes beyond a brother/best mate bond but not entirely into couple territory. It's a weird middle ground that is just so frustrating. It's like me and Walter honestly. Two people just can't look at each other the way they do and not have it be something more than friendly love. They are soul mates in a completely platonic sense of the phrase. Stealing kisses is nothing. Holding, touching, all of that is just as common as breathing and I am still completely not trying to make this sound like they are a thing. Honestly, it's just the way they are and are comfortable around each other.

I told you it was a complicated thing to explain. It makes my brain hurt DX

Now, I love them in love so much that if it was between me actually having someone and being happy or letting them continue to be as they are, I'd choose them over me. Why? Because seeing them together makes me beyond happy. Well, for the longest time now actually it makes me hurt and sob (like I have been for the past few days again) because they aren't together all the time anymore. For the first time since they met aaalllll those years ago they've got separate lives again. But they couldn't even really handle that, seeing as they made sure to buy houses right next to each other *sobbing all over*

I don't even remember what I wanted to write about when I started this.

In conclusion, no, really, it's ok Noel and Julian, I never really needed my heart anyways. You've already done more damage and good to it than it ever needed.

(I'll come back and add more later when I'm not crying so hard. I can barely read the fuckign screen)

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