Feb 13, 2011 05:02

So close. I was soooo fucking close to really changing myself with this one and keeping my feelings completely out of it. But I knew deep down that weren’t gonna happen since I’ve been eyein him for years.

I knew. I had told myself not to get ahead of myself and think that we were actually going anywhere. It was just fooling around. I told myself that I had to be the mature one and keep everything calm. But he’s 8 years my senior and I think I’m allowed to be a little fucking upset. I always have to be the mature one in every single situation. Do you know how difficult that is for someone that lives in a perpetual Neverland in their own mind? It’s such a strain on my psyche. Having to be both the one that is constantly making sure everything is ok and going well, and being the one full of reckless abandon. After all these years I think I’ve given myself a complex.

Usually I can keep Mature!Erika & Pan Syndrome!Erika on two completely different sides of my brain. I can jump back and forth between the two without hesitation. But he really came out of nowhere so I wasn’t prepared and now the line where the two dissipate has been muddied. It took him all of a MONTH to fuck with my head. Really? I’m trying soooo hard not to think about this. Trying to tell myself that I’m not actually as upset as I feel. Saying that I actually did keep my feelings out of it for the most part.

But he came at a perfect time.

A time when I’d lost all interest in so many things. He crawled into me without me even realizing it. I’ve become far too dependent on his company at these late hours.  Though that’s not honestly his fault. It’s no one’s fault. It was just the fact that I’d never been shown affection in that way at late hours. At the time when I’ve spent countless nights wondering what it feels like to be cuddled up to someone at 4 am. He gave that to me. Now I’ve come to crave it like a drug addict. I swear I go through withdrawal every weekend I don’t see him.

I also should have known that it wasn’t really legit the way he felt. The times we DID mess/hang about, he’d been drinking at some point. Which honestly makes me feel that much worse. The fact that he only wanted to be around me while there was alcohol in his system. Plus the fact that I was almost like a rebound. Ok, not almost, I’m pretty sure that’s all I was. Another person to spend the night with so he wouldn’t be lonely.

Why does this always happen to me? Every. Single. Time. For once, for fucking once, I’d really like it if I just got the guy I really wanted.

I always used to pride myself on my “Well IDC if this didn’t work out like I wanted cos a broken heart hasn’t deterred me from love.”

I think that may be changing now.

I’m just even more bitter and cynical now. I shouldn’t be this way. I don’t want to let him get to me but fuck he already has. I’ve been so happy just devoting all my time to the Boosh fandom for the past year. Like, I can’t remember being that blissful and carefree in so long. No guys distracting me. Not a single guy crossing my mind or heart. Then he came along seriously out of nowhere. Everything happened so quickly. I’m disgusted with myself. For letting this happen again. For letting him get under my skin. For becoming so fucking dependent on someone so fast.

Congratuwelldone sir. If this has already come to an end before it even had a proper chance to begin, you’ve started the downfall of what was once the last optimistic part of me.
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