I read every bit of it. I'm proud of you. I'm sad that you didn't get the experience you wanted, but I'm proud of you for not giving in to pressure. While some of it may have been in relation to your having a home birth, I truly think there are some care providers that treat laboring moms like crazy, simply because they've come to see birth as a business and each mom as just another piece on the assembly line. There is so much that they could've done to make this better for you, and so much they SHOULD have done to treat you as a human. I love you, and I hope you found some peace in writing this out. I am always hear if you need to talk about more, even the TMI parts.:) And hey, FOUR pushes!? That's pretty f-ing great.
I just re-read this again, because I love you, and I want to process this through with you. So much of what you're feeling, I think is normal for birth, but possibly amplified because of your situation. After Luke was born, I was so exhausted. My water broke in the evening, I labored all night without sleeping, then he was born in the early afternoon. I pictured myself passing out that night, but instead, I couldn't sleep. It was like you said, I seriously couldn't remember how to shut down and sleep. My mind was all over the place, and I kept looking at Luke and feeling like I had the world's worst case of jet lag. Birth of any kind amps up your senses and leaves you completely jumbled.
he was teeny, and with the epidural i was able to do a whole lot of passive descent since i never got the urge to push and i refused to push until i felt like he was hanging out of me. (of course, he wasn't, but it felt like that!) hence the very few pushes :)
I read it all. I didn't have the same experience--I think a lot of the people you dealt with were jerks and that you should definitely never go back to that hospital if you can help it--but you might feel better to know that the bonding thing doesn't happen for everyone right off, no matter what kind of birth they had. I don't remember exactly what I felt all the time we were in the hospital, but it was something more like disbelief than ZOMG my baby! I couldn't quite believe that they were going to let us just take him home exactly as if we knew WTF we were doing. Now, of course, I know him and he knows me and I love him very much, but I don't think it's at all abnormal for that to take a while. I've heard it over and over from other mom friends who had all kinds of births
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I do agree with the bonding. I remember feeling a lot of shock after Luke was born. I had an amazing birth experience, but I remember looking at him and feeling like it was a dream. Hell, there are still some days that I can't really believe he's mine.:)
I read it, and I obviously can't understand it from personal experience (on pretty much any level).. but I am proud of you, and sorry that your nurses/doctors/etc turned out to be so crappy.
All mishaps/un-planned moments aside, MAZEL TOV!!!!!!! It may not have gone exactly as you planned, but you and the little man are home and healthy! I can't wait for pictures. :-)
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I love you, and I hope you found some peace in writing this out. I am always hear if you need to talk about more, even the TMI parts.:)
And hey, FOUR pushes!? That's pretty f-ing great.
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thank you for being you.
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