Right Kind of Wrong
Title: Right Kind of Wrong
Previous Parts: Chapter One , Chapter Two , Chapter Three , Chapter Four , Chapter Five
Warning: AU. Remus is older than the other three Marauders, and did not go to Hogwarts.
Right Kind of Wrong
Chapter 6
… “Are you sure you want to know?” Sirius asked.
James, about to nod and say ‘of course’ as he always did, hesitated for a moment at Sirius’s sober expression, considering. Then he nodded firmly. “Of course I do,” he assured the grey-eyed boy, then added quickly, “If you want to tell me.
Sirius nodded, feeling a weight lift, then sat down cross-legged on his bed, picking up the book he had dropped in order to shake his friend, and stared at it silently for a few moments, trying to organize his thoughts.
James joined the grey-eyed boy on the bed and waited, not saying anything, knowing Sirius well enough to realize just how important this was and just how much it was costing Sirius to have this conversation.
“It was completely by chance that we met,” Sirius began. A little voice in the back of his head commented that this sounded like story hour. It sounded a bit like James and a bit like himself. He ignored it. “We ran into each other one afternoon.” He paused. “And I mean that literally.” He brought his hands together with a clap to indicate the collision. “I fell. He caught me, but dropped his croissant.” Sirius laughed slightly, a little bitterly, at the irony of his words. Did I ever fall, he thought.
James had chuckled, but at the caustic sound of his friend’s laugh he fell silent, waiting for Sirius to continue.
“I treated him at a café to apologize,” Sirius went on. “Then we went for a walk. We completely lost track of time. It was incredible. We were just talking and then, all of a sudden, it was dark. I just had to see him again. I didn’t give him a chance to say ‘no.’” He fidgeted with his book for a moment. “We got on really well,” Sirius continued. “I didn’t tell him I was a wizard, of course, and I was always careful around him, so he never suspected.” Sirius took a deep breath. “It was five days before I had the balls to kiss him. I was so afraid of scaring him off. For a moment,” he said, remembering, “I thought I had. But then he kissed me back. I spent nearly the entire holiday with him. My parents never noticed. Even…” Sirius could feel the color rising in his face, “Even when I started staying out all night.”
James made a strange noise.
Sirius finally looked up, not sure what he would see.
The messy-haired boy’s hazel eyes had gone very wide.
“James?” Sirius probed hesitantly.
James blinked several times in rapid succession and swallowed hard. When he spoke, it was in a very would-be-casual sort of voice. “So… so you and he…”
“Had sex,” Sirius said in a soft voice. “Yes.”
“Do you have to say it like that?” James demanded testily, voice now much more like his own.
“How do you want me to say it?” Sirius inquired. “We shagged? We screwed? We fucked?”
James winced. “You made love?” he suggested.
Sirius snorted. “Don’t be naïve, James.”
“But… didn’t you? I thought you were…”
Sirius snorted again. “First of all, whether I am or not, that’s the most ridiculous, idiotic, phrase that has ever had the misfortune to be clichéd.”
“But…” James hesitated before he ploughed on. “Aren’t you?”
Sirius felt his face heat up. “Well, yes,” he muttered. “But I didn’t know it at the time. I wasn’t thinking, ‘Oh, I love you.’ It was more, ‘I need you. You’re amazing. I want you now.’”
“Is it…” James hesitated again. “Is it always like that?”
Sirius flushed even darker. “At first,” he said, forcing himself not to mumble. “I just wanted him, and then I realized I wanted to be near him. Close to him. With him. We were just supposed to be together for the summer, but then I realized I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want to give him up.”
James, too, had gone slightly red and he looked somewhat amazed. “Wow,” he said. “I mean, that’s not what I’d meant when I asked - I mean, I guess what you… Er… What you thought I mean to meant, I mean, meant to mean was… But… Wow.”
Huh? “What you meant to mean?”
“I’d meant, is it always like that?”
“I don’t -”
“With everyone.”
“You mean…?”
“Yes,” James said in a rush. “With girls, too.”
“Oh.” Sirius felt slightly off kilter. He wasn’t quite sure when his confession and plea for help had been sidetracked into a sex talk. “Well…” he tried to remember the few girls he’d been with. “I certainly wasn’t in love with any of them,” he said at last. “I wasn’t even particularly attracted to them. I was confused. And drunk,” he admitted, staring back down at his book. “I don’t really remember much, to be honest. What I did remember after, I’ve tried to forget.”
“Right. Of course. Sorry.” James looked supremely embarrassed.
“I’m sure it won’t be like that for you,” Sirius hastily assured his friend, looking up again.
“How can you be so sure?”
He sounds really nervous. When did this happen? Why are we even talking about this? I need to talk to him about Remus so he can help me! “Because you actually like girls,” Sirius reminded him, a bit more acidly than he had intended.
“Oh. Yeah. Right.” James grinned sheepishly, looking fairly awkward but much more cheerful. “So. Your great French lover. Continue.”
“He’s British, actually,” Sirius said, feeling slightly relieved to be back on track, and slightly nervous again. “He went to school in France and decided to stay there afterwards. He told me he wanted to teach.”
“A teacher?” James chuckled. “Kinky.”
Sirius lifted an eyebrow, but suddenly felt much easier about talking. He was very glad James was comfortable enough with this to joke about it. “Well, we’d known from the start that it was just for the summer,” Sirius said for what felt like the millionth time. “But then I realized I wanted more. Sometimes I thought he did, too. I even thought about telling him the truth.”
“What happened?” asked James, voice almost hushed.
“I told him I loved him,” Sirius confessed.
“Did you really?” James’s eyes were wide with awe.
Sirius nodded. “I asked him to come back with me. I said we should live together.”
James’s eyes grew even wider. “What did he do? Did he say anything?”
“He said I was too young. That it had to end.”
“And then?”
“I asked him for one last night. Most amazing sex I’ve ever had. He was gone when I woke up the next morning and I couldn’t wait for him. He knew I wouldn’t be able to wait. My parents would have noticed I was gone if I’d stayed any later. No note from him. Nothing. And then I was back in London, and now here. And I can’t forget him. I don’t want to forget him. I still love him. And I think he loves me. He’s just scared.”
“So… Are you going to go back to France to find him?” James sounded slightly confused.
“No,” Sirius said slowly. “He’s not in France anymore.”
“Not in France?” James repeated, confusion clearly growing. “How do you know that? Do you know where he is?”
“He’s here,” Sirius replied. “And I know because I’ve seen him here.”
“Oh.” James was scowling slightly, looking more bewildered with each passing moment. “So… Do you need me to cover for you?”
“No,” Sirius shook his head. “I need your help keeping him here. I’m afraid he might leave, go back to France, and I’ll never see him again. I need a plan, and I can’t do it alone.”
James’s brows were still knit together in a frown. He appeared to be thinking hard about something. It was the look he always got when he was piecing things together. “What did you say his name was?” he asked, voice a little strange. “This, this love of your life?”
Sirius’s eyebrows twitched. “I didn’t,” he informed his friend, then looked down, biting his lip. “It’s Remus,” he said softly after a moment. He took a deep breath.
Last chance, he thought. Last chance to back out. I can stop now. Let that be the end of it. Sit in class like it’s nothing. Get over him if I can. Let him go, even if I can’t. I can let it be over, as he said. I can believe he doesn’t care. I can learn to live with not knowing if he ever did. This is my last chance to walk away. He didn’t take it. He couldn’t.
He looked up and met James Potter’s hazel eyes. “Remus Lupin.”
TBC
Previous Parts: Chapter One , Chapter Two , Chapter Three , Chapter Four , Chapter Five
Warning: AU. Remus is older than the other three Marauders, and did not go to Hogwarts.
Right Kind of Wrong
Chapter 6
… “Are you sure you want to know?” Sirius asked.
James, about to nod and say ‘of course’ as he always did, hesitated for a moment at Sirius’s sober expression, considering. Then he nodded firmly. “Of course I do,” he assured the grey-eyed boy, then added quickly, “If you want to tell me.
Sirius nodded, feeling a weight lift, then sat down cross-legged on his bed, picking up the book he had dropped in order to shake his friend, and stared at it silently for a few moments, trying to organize his thoughts.
James joined the grey-eyed boy on the bed and waited, not saying anything, knowing Sirius well enough to realize just how important this was and just how much it was costing Sirius to have this conversation.
“It was completely by chance that we met,” Sirius began. A little voice in the back of his head commented that this sounded like story hour. It sounded a bit like James and a bit like himself. He ignored it. “We ran into each other one afternoon.” He paused. “And I mean that literally.” He brought his hands together with a clap to indicate the collision. “I fell. He caught me, but dropped his croissant.” Sirius laughed slightly, a little bitterly, at the irony of his words. Did I ever fall, he thought.
James had chuckled, but at the caustic sound of his friend’s laugh he fell silent, waiting for Sirius to continue.
“I treated him at a café to apologize,” Sirius went on. “Then we went for a walk. We completely lost track of time. It was incredible. We were just talking and then, all of a sudden, it was dark. I just had to see him again. I didn’t give him a chance to say ‘no.’” He fidgeted with his book for a moment. “We got on really well,” Sirius continued. “I didn’t tell him I was a wizard, of course, and I was always careful around him, so he never suspected.” Sirius took a deep breath. “It was five days before I had the balls to kiss him. I was so afraid of scaring him off. For a moment,” he said, remembering, “I thought I had. But then he kissed me back. I spent nearly the entire holiday with him. My parents never noticed. Even…” Sirius could feel the color rising in his face, “Even when I started staying out all night.”
James made a strange noise.
Sirius finally looked up, not sure what he would see.
The messy-haired boy’s hazel eyes had gone very wide.
“James?” Sirius probed hesitantly.
James blinked several times in rapid succession and swallowed hard. When he spoke, it was in a very would-be-casual sort of voice. “So… so you and he…”
“Had sex,” Sirius said in a soft voice. “Yes.”
“Do you have to say it like that?” James demanded testily, voice now much more like his own.
“How do you want me to say it?” Sirius inquired. “We shagged? We screwed? We fucked?”
James winced. “You made love?” he suggested.
Sirius snorted. “Don’t be naïve, James.”
“But… didn’t you? I thought you were…”
Sirius snorted again. “First of all, whether I am or not, that’s the most ridiculous, idiotic, phrase that has ever had the misfortune to be clichéd.”
“But…” James hesitated before he ploughed on. “Aren’t you?”
Sirius felt his face heat up. “Well, yes,” he muttered. “But I didn’t know it at the time. I wasn’t thinking, ‘Oh, I love you.’ It was more, ‘I need you. You’re amazing. I want you now.’”
“Is it…” James hesitated again. “Is it always like that?”
Sirius flushed even darker. “At first,” he said, forcing himself not to mumble. “I just wanted him, and then I realized I wanted to be near him. Close to him. With him. We were just supposed to be together for the summer, but then I realized I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want to give him up.”
James, too, had gone slightly red and he looked somewhat amazed. “Wow,” he said. “I mean, that’s not what I’d meant when I asked - I mean, I guess what you… Er… What you thought I mean to meant, I mean, meant to mean was… But… Wow.”
Huh? “What you meant to mean?”
“I’d meant, is it always like that?”
“I don’t -”
“With everyone.”
“You mean…?”
“Yes,” James said in a rush. “With girls, too.”
“Oh.” Sirius felt slightly off kilter. He wasn’t quite sure when his confession and plea for help had been sidetracked into a sex talk. “Well…” he tried to remember the few girls he’d been with. “I certainly wasn’t in love with any of them,” he said at last. “I wasn’t even particularly attracted to them. I was confused. And drunk,” he admitted, staring back down at his book. “I don’t really remember much, to be honest. What I did remember after, I’ve tried to forget.”
“Right. Of course. Sorry.” James looked supremely embarrassed.
“I’m sure it won’t be like that for you,” Sirius hastily assured his friend, looking up again.
“How can you be so sure?”
He sounds really nervous. When did this happen? Why are we even talking about this? I need to talk to him about Remus so he can help me! “Because you actually like girls,” Sirius reminded him, a bit more acidly than he had intended.
“Oh. Yeah. Right.” James grinned sheepishly, looking fairly awkward but much more cheerful. “So. Your great French lover. Continue.”
“He’s British, actually,” Sirius said, feeling slightly relieved to be back on track, and slightly nervous again. “He went to school in France and decided to stay there afterwards. He told me he wanted to teach.”
“A teacher?” James chuckled. “Kinky.”
Sirius lifted an eyebrow, but suddenly felt much easier about talking. He was very glad James was comfortable enough with this to joke about it. “Well, we’d known from the start that it was just for the summer,” Sirius said for what felt like the millionth time. “But then I realized I wanted more. Sometimes I thought he did, too. I even thought about telling him the truth.”
“What happened?” asked James, voice almost hushed.
“I told him I loved him,” Sirius confessed.
“Did you really?” James’s eyes were wide with awe.
Sirius nodded. “I asked him to come back with me. I said we should live together.”
James’s eyes grew even wider. “What did he do? Did he say anything?”
“He said I was too young. That it had to end.”
“And then?”
“I asked him for one last night. Most amazing sex I’ve ever had. He was gone when I woke up the next morning and I couldn’t wait for him. He knew I wouldn’t be able to wait. My parents would have noticed I was gone if I’d stayed any later. No note from him. Nothing. And then I was back in London, and now here. And I can’t forget him. I don’t want to forget him. I still love him. And I think he loves me. He’s just scared.”
“So… Are you going to go back to France to find him?” James sounded slightly confused.
“No,” Sirius said slowly. “He’s not in France anymore.”
“Not in France?” James repeated, confusion clearly growing. “How do you know that? Do you know where he is?”
“He’s here,” Sirius replied. “And I know because I’ve seen him here.”
“Oh.” James was scowling slightly, looking more bewildered with each passing moment. “So… Do you need me to cover for you?”
“No,” Sirius shook his head. “I need your help keeping him here. I’m afraid he might leave, go back to France, and I’ll never see him again. I need a plan, and I can’t do it alone.”
James’s brows were still knit together in a frown. He appeared to be thinking hard about something. It was the look he always got when he was piecing things together. “What did you say his name was?” he asked, voice a little strange. “This, this love of your life?”
Sirius’s eyebrows twitched. “I didn’t,” he informed his friend, then looked down, biting his lip. “It’s Remus,” he said softly after a moment. He took a deep breath.
Last chance, he thought. Last chance to back out. I can stop now. Let that be the end of it. Sit in class like it’s nothing. Get over him if I can. Let him go, even if I can’t. I can let it be over, as he said. I can believe he doesn’t care. I can learn to live with not knowing if he ever did. This is my last chance to walk away. He didn’t take it. He couldn’t.
He looked up and met James Potter’s hazel eyes. “Remus Lupin.”
TBC