[H18] SECRET LOVE STORY (1/4)
Prompt Code: H18
Title: Secret Love Story
Rating: PG-13
Side pairing (if any): chanbaek, hunhan
Word count: 33,658
Summary: “Why can’t you hold me in the street? Why can’t I kiss you on the dance floor? I wish that we could be like that. Why can’t we be like that? ‘Cause I’m yours.
When you hold me in the street
and you kiss me on the dance floor
I wish that we could be like that
Why can’t we be like that? ‘Cause I’m yours.
Sunlight drifts into the shared bedroom, faces painted with the color of the sunshine, and dust motes float around the air. Pair of chocolate eyes slowly open and stretches sleepy arms and limbs. For a moment, the eyes fall on his roommate. Who, of course, is sleeping on another bed although he insisted that his is in perfect condition for both of them to sleep in, insisting that the other people of the shared apartment can’t see them. Sighing as he remembers, Jongin gets up and plants a soft kiss on his boyfriend’s forehead and heads out of the room.
Kyungsoo and Jongin has been a pair since middle school and as they graduated high school with the gang, Chanyeol & Baekhyun, they just thought it fit for them to rent a dorm together since they’re studying in the same university anyway. Since their two best friends have been inseparable since childhood, they say they’re soul mates; there was no question that they take one bedroom. Hence, the two left will share the other bedroom. Though they have been a thing since before entering high school and Jongin was happy, of course he was- is. Sometimes he just thinks that there is a missing piece in their relationship.
While their best friends were all out and proclaimed their love even in the most unneeded places, they just can’t seem to be like that. There was always hesitancy and sighs and understanding and making up later that happens and even though the younger isn’t and would never look for someone else, he just thinks that it’s time for them to have their happily ever after. With everyone knowing.
If only Kyungsoo accepts.
Stepping into the kitchen, he sees his petite best friend who greets him a- good morning, Jongin, I have early classes so I gotta go bye- before putting his glass down and speed s off to the door. While the three of them are music majors, Jongin took all the courage he had and took dance. Kyungsoo pushed him, too, of course. With the grace that Jongin has, if the world does not see it, it would be a pity; or at least that’s what his friends told him.
Looking around the still messy kitchen, with empty cardboard boxes at the side, he is remembered that it hasn’t even been one week since they’ve stayed in this dorm, and today is the first day of classes. Forgetting about the mess, he grabs a bottle of water from the fridge and prays for a good first day for him. Leaning on the countertop, his eyes roam their dorm, and falls on the digital clock hanging in the living room.
8:24 AM, it says. “Shoot! What the-,” Jongin sputters. His class is at 9 o’clock and the school is a 20-minute walk away. With this thought, he hurries into the shower and goes to his room to dress up.
“You’re up early,” a voice says, making Jongin look at him.
“Hey, Soo, 9AM classes,” having put all his clothes, Jongin grabs his bag, walks near Kyungsoo’s bed, “Gotta go, baby, sorry.” He kisses the smaller, not minding the morning breath and smiles when he sees the dumbfounded face.
“The others could have seen us,” Kyungsoo whimpers despite his reddening face. “They already know, Soo, we’ve been together for years now,” comes the automatic reply, “but I really need to go. Bye, baby.”
It smells of unwanted situations and hurried goodbyes but all Jongin really wants is to hold Kyungsoo for a little while longer.
All Jongin sees is Kyungsoo trying to reach him but failing.
We keep behind closed doors
Every time I see you I die a little more
Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls
It will never be enough
Moonlight that is long gone from the shared bedroom, faces now painted with the color of the sunshine, and dust motes float around the air. He is close to waking up but he doesn’t open his eyes or move. He knows that if he does, he would see Jongin staring at him with those sad and longing eyes and he just can’t bear to be the receiver of that stare. It’s kind of a routine already, Jongin would always invite him over to his bed to sleep together and as always, he declines. It’s not enough reason that their best friends don’t see them, it’s the fact that Kyungsoo can’t bear to be in that condition with Jongin is the problem. He knows that, Jongin knows that, but it doesn’t belittle the fact that he can’t change his ways for the man he loves. He hears a sigh and a few seconds after, the door to their room is opened.
It was middle school when he blurted yes when Jongin asked if he could be his boyfriend and since they were friends with Chanyeol and Baekhyun ever since then, they just thought it fit for them to rent a dorm together since they’re studying in the same area anyway. Since their two best friends have been inseparable since childhood, they say they’re soul mates, though Kyungsoo would say otherwise; there was no question that they take one bedroom. Hence, him and Jongin will share the other bedroom. It’s not that he thinks it’s wrong of him to have said yes to Jongin during middle school; he can’t deny that he did like the boy anyway. He just thinks that it wasn’t time yet for them to be together and although Jongin never fails to tell him how happy and in love he is, sometimes he just thinks that it isn’t enough of a confirmation for whatever they really have.
He sighs at himself and the situation he put himself in.
While their best friends were all out and proclaimed their love even in the most unwanted situations, they're Chanyeol & Baekhyun you know; he just can’t push himself to be like that with Jongin. He is always hesitating and Jongin returns his response with sighs and understanding and they would always make up once he is sure that they’re hidden from the world. Even though Kyungsoo knows that he isn’t and would never look for someone else, Jongin is his happily ever after anyway, even though the happily part isn’t seemly, he thinks that he’s losing his very chance of experiencing forever.
If only he accepts.
Breaking his line of thought is the sound of Baekhyun’s voice. He must be outside and talking to Jongin. Then the front door closes and he kind of hopes that it wasn’t the younger that left. He hasn’t said goodbye.
He stretches his arms and limbs as he imagines the state of their dorm, with empty cardboard boxes that are unpacked, which is a reminder that it hasn’t even been one week since they’ve moved in. He thinks about the mess and plans to clean up and fix things as soon as he finishes eating breakfast. He loves fixing messes, and he’d do just that.
Why can’t you fix the mess that you are doing to yourself, then?
He hears Jongin say something incomprehensible then hears a door open. Maybe he really is leaving. However, that thought is soon forgotten when the door to their room is opened and a wet and just-showered Jongin enters.
Why can’t I love you right?
“You’re up early,” he says; voice a little raspy, making Jongin look at him.
“Hey, Soo, 9AM classes,” is the answer he gets and he glances at the younger who walks near his bed, “Gotta go, baby, sorry.” Jongin kisses him and he is left dumbfounded.
“The others could have seen us,” Jongin knows, he should know. “They already know, Soo, we’ve been together for years now,” comes the automatic reply, “but I really need to go. Bye, baby.”
It smells of unspoken words brought together and tightly shut lips but all Kyungsoo wants is to have Jongin forever.
All Kyungsoo sees is Jongin’s retreating back.
It's obvious you're meant for me
Every piece of you, it just fits perfectly
He has sweat beads rolling down his arms as he reaches the university. Screw him and his ability to sleep like the dead. No worries, Kim Jongin, I’ve got an excuse for you, it’s first day. It’s normal to be this late. Oh okay, brain, keep telling that to yourself.
Five minutes ‘til the bell, where was my building again?
Scanning the buildings, Jongin finally sees his destination and runs.
Why is my first class on the 5th floor? Why didn’t I use the elevator? Why am I even talking to myself right now? Wow, Jongin, you’re really something.
Finally, finally, he reaches his room and he hurries inside. There’s only one seat left, great, and he sprints towards it, aware that he’s the last one to arrive. He sits down as soon as the school bell rings.
“And here I thought I was late,” someone beside him said.
“Oh, hey,” Jongin started, “Good thing I am here, huh?”
A hearty laugh emits. “Yes. Yes, it is great that you’re here,” a hand stretches towards him, “I’m Luhan, by the way. I applied for dance and not these kinds of lectures but this is college and we’re in it so what can we do, right? But I’m babbling here, nice to meet you!”
“Jongin, Kim Jongin. I’m under dance, too,” he accepts the hand and shakes it, “Nice to meet you, too.”
The man, Luhan, laughs once again, his eyes crinkling at the sides. Kyungsoo’s eye smile is cuter, though. “Well hello, Kim Jongin! It’s nice to have met someone on the first day of school.” Jongin doesn’t think about how he compared the man in front of him to the man of his dreams.
“Oh, yeah, me too,” He clumsily answers, blaming his mind for putting difficult thoughts in his head, “Where’d you come from?”
“Outer space.”
“That’s cool-“ Wait. What? “Excuse me; did you just say outer space?”
Luhan laughs again; who knew a person can laugh that much, huh. “I can’t believe you actually believed me.”
Jongin just stares at him in exasperation. Where in the hell did this person come from, really?
“Okay, okay. I apologize, it’s my first day in university, and this is Korea, I’m nervous,” An explanation is given to him, “I’m from China. I guess you’re from around here?”
“So that’s why. You sound like you’re great in speaking the language, though?” He wonders loudly, feeling comfortable about making a friend on first day of school, “Yes, I’m from here, of course.”
“Here, like, in Seoul? Sounds good that you just live nearby,” Luhan answers.
“Yes, Seoul, my friends and I have known each other since middle school and we all stay in an apartment around Hongdae; how about you?” Jongin replies, feeling free to share any information his foreigner friend would need.
“Wow, that is really nearby, so did you just walk? I am staying in a hotel as of the moment. I’m looking for a place, actually, somewhere cheaper,” The Chinese man says and Jongin remembers seeing an ad for a new apartment under their floor.
“Yes, it’s just a 20-minute walk from my place, and speaking of that, I actually saw an available one in the apartment complex where we’re staying. Though I think it’d be better if you have someone with you because the room is big and the rent is too high for 1 person to pay for it.”
“Really?” Luhan widens his eyes and he looks sincerely thankful for the information, “Well, I do have some friends who are looking for a place to stay at as well. Thanks, Jongin, we’ll check it out later. Can you give me the name or the address of the building?”
“Sure!” Jongin answers, returning Luhan’s smile, and snatches a piece of paper and a pen from his bag to write the information the other needed. After doing so, he hands the paper to his new friend.
“Thanks!”
Jongin felt exceptionally good the whole morning that was full of lectures, sparing Luhan a glance from time to time to see the other making faces to show how bored he was, to which Jongin replies with a shake of his shoulders as he laughs quietly.
It may suck that they were stuck inside a classroom for their first day but Jongin can’t deny it even to himself that he enjoyed the whole period.
Every second, every thought, I'm in so deep
But I'll never show it on my face
But we know this, we got a love that is homeless
I can’t believe Jongin kissed me, Kyungsoo kept on chanting in his head, belying the fact that he might actually have liked it and that his cheeks were turning red.
Sighing, he stretches and stands up from his bed, fixing it before heading outside. As what he expected, the boxes were still where they were, waiting for his presence to fix them and clean the living room. It’s not like his friends made it his task to do this, it’s him who appointed it to himself, not minding if the others know or not.
First, he heads to the kitchen, praying that their refrigerator has other items in it other than water. He is hungry to death and he needs food to start his day. Opening the door, his lips curve in joy when he sees milk and eggs. Good thing they have bread, Kyungsoo can now have a full stomach before he starts his cleaning escapade.
Feeling good than when he woke up, he happily cooked the eggs and ate the bread with milk. When he was done, eating and cleaning the dishes too of course, he started his trek to the worrisome boxes and opened each one to see what’s inside.
There were four boxes in total: his, Jongin’s, Baekhyun’s and Chanyeol’s. He would love to fix his best friend’s box too but he knew he can’t and so he just headed to open his box first. Since they’ve just moved, what he had in his box were the rest of his clothes, some of the books that he loved to read when he had time, some cooking pots and recipe books and some of the gifts that Jongin has given him (the stuffed toys that, although he never would admit, he hugs at night).
It’s not like he doesn’t have a lot of things, it’s just that he isn’t someone so materialistic than between them four, hence his box isn’t jam-packed. Kyungsoo quickly gathered his things, going to his shared room with Jongin to put his clothes in the closet, going back and fro from the living room to his space in the dorm to expertly put his things the way he wanted. Not even half an hour had passed when he finished with his box, and so after putting the cardboard aside, he unfolded Jongin’s to start arranging his things as well. The view that welcomed him, though, once he unlatched the box’s ears was definitely something he didn’t expect.
“I’ll love you even if you wouldn’t want me, hyung. Even if you shout at me and prove to me a lot of times that you’ll never love me the way you should, I’ll stick to your side, I’ll prove to you that all you have are misconceptions of what love really is. Someday, Do Kyungsoo, we’ll meet in the streets and you wouldn’t budge nor pretend when I hold your hand.”
Kyungsoo recalls that one time that he and Jongin fought, just that one time Jongin spoke up and urged him to tell him what his deal was, whether he was favoring his problems or Jongin. It was that moment that he feared the most, the longing Jongin would feel once he recognizes Kyungsoo couldn’t provide what the younger yearns for. Jongin had said very convincing words then; he almost let his guard down and disclose things he shouldn’t.
Almost.
He didn’t, of course, it wasn’t a matter of trust, in Kyungsoo’s perspective; it’s a matter of acceptance. He isn’t sure about the limit of where Jongin’s love can reach, of the weight he could handle once he swallows up Kyungsoo’s past and probable future, once he reveals his deepest darkest secrets.
Kyungsoo thinks he’d lose Jongin once he divulges his life to the younger; but what he doesn’t realize is he might actually be slipping away from the taller’s fingertips with the way he’s behaving. Or maybe he’s the one pushing Jongin off his grasp, who knows. Kyungsoo definitely doesn’t.
Never would he reveal to anyone his heartbreaks, the reason why he can’t let people hold him in the street, why he can’t dance with Jongin on the dance floor, why he can’t say that he’s in love even to most special person in his heart. It always comes down to that event, that unfaithful day everything crumbled and destroyed Kyungsoo’s happiness.
-
He was 9 years old when his mother was diagnosed with breast cancer.
It’s okay, his mom had assured him, saying that she’d be getting therapy and would be better in a flash. A year before that, his parents were caught up in a fight which ended in tears and bruises. His mother had a black eye and his father had a bleeding hand. He never saw his father since then, after leaving with a venomous look, carrying all his belongings that he managed to pack in a whim.
When he was 10, his mother became pregnant, probably the baby of the boyfriend his mom brings home every now and then, and although he knew that they’d be half-siblings, he loved the thought of having someone with him. It was his birthday, his 11th, when his mom was brought to the hospital due to vaginal bleeding. He remembers his mom screaming in pain, clinging onto his arm as her mysterious boyfriend was nowhere to be found. Miscarriage, the doctor said. When Kyungsoo asked his mother what that meant, she just mouthed no more baby with tears in her eyes. He didn’t understand it then, actually, just realizing as time went by that his mother’s tummy wasn’t getting any bigger and his long-awaited sibling never showed up.
He was always alone, his mom too busy working or hooking up, forgetting her child and partying every night. Kyungsoo always waited, though, always sitting at the front porch. It was chilly at night, but he always had his favorite blanket wrapped around him to keep him warm while waiting. Almost every day, he wakes up crumpled on the floor with aching limbs and muscles, to his mother’s antics.
It was limited, at first, his mother would just complain about the water being too cold, or the television filled with re-runs of programs she hates; but it escalated from there. Eventually, his mother would grumble about the laundry and how no one seems to be moving around the house, and would get thinner by the months passing by.
There was this incident, when he was 12, where he cried for the longest time; he didn’t want to know why that happened but he definitely wouldn’t want to hear those things again.
I wish I didn’t give birth to you, his mom said; I should have aborted you when I had the chance. I knew you’d be a pain in the ass and you know what? I have enough pain in my ass with having you as a son.
His mother was ranting things he never heard, blurting out hurtful words that he knew no one should deserve, that no mother should say to their son.
You think I love you but you’re wrong, and that’s when he felt something piercing through his heart, it wasn’t anything solid, but it was definitely there, no one can love someone like you. No one.
Perfectly manicured fingers were swayed in front of his face and he was sporting an emotionless expression while his mother shouted to the top of her lungs.
You are not my son, you are not mine, his heart was slowly burning, ashes falling to the ground without him giving permission, tears unwillingly flowing out from his eyes, I wish you were just dead.
Dead.
He became just that. His mother died when he was 13, and no one from their relatives took him, not wanting another burden to add to theirs, Kyungsoo supposed. It was a good thing he wasn’t sent to an orphanage, keeping the house that he and his mom shared. It was then that he slowly closed all doors, didn’t let anyone talk to him, not even Baekhyun.
People hurt, he repeats like a mantra in his head, just one touch and they can kill. Not once did he forget about that night, he remembers the rain as it mingled with the silence he was forcing himself in, as he was left alone. It was the first night that he slept in an empty house, he himself feeling hollow and lifeless and was left to deal with thoughts that did nothing to help but scar his numbing heart. It was that night that Kyungsoo knew, had accepted that the words his mother blurted were true, he wasn’t someone to be loved, he didn’t deserve any love, he was to live as a corpse forced to go through every day without killing itself.
It was tattooed in his soul; I can’t love and can’t be loved. I don’t deserve any of those. I have done my mother wrong and I would repay her with my suffering every day of my life.
Until Jongin came.
It was first day of middle school; it was a miracle that Kyungsoo even had the chance to graduate elementary, when he met the younger. Kim Jongin, the tan-skinned kid who sat beside him during homeroom, chatting and blabbering things to Kyungsoo, belittling the fact that their teacher was speaking in the front, and he knew that the boy was trouble. Jongin was just a nuisance; Baekhyun tried hard to keep said man away from him per his request, but failed as he passed through holes and trails Kyungsoo didn’t leave for him. Creeping slowly into his seat, lunch breaks, walk home and soon even his life and gave him a chance to once again see bright smiles and plain fields.
He didn’t know when or how it started, all he knew was that he was once walking home when suddenly a wild Jongin appeared and looked smug as he announced that he decided to appoint himself as Kyungsoo’s personal caretaker. I don’t need one, he muttered irritably, not wanting to converse with the other. You have no choice, a stubborn answer was given, I’ll stick with you forever.
Forever. That one word that held so much promise and a few more unspoken words. Something he would never believe in.
True to what the younger proclaimed that day, he never once let Kyungsoo go home alone, sometimes letting himself in without even asking permission. Days where he was left alone to deal with the darkness decreased as the other spent his nights uninvited in his house, spreading warmth and forcing the older to cook him food. He always declined, made up excuses, hid himself as the younger kept hunting him, and relented to everything the other did until he became tired of doing those. Jongin must consist of stubbornness and hard-headedness that his attempts to distance himself from the younger became futile as the days passed by.
It was during their 2nd year in middle school when Jongin asked that unnerving question. Will you be my boyfriend, Do Kyungsoo? The younger was looking at him in expectation and he found it uncanny to not provide the answer he had ready.
Yes.
Truthfully, Kyungsoo didn’t know how the other ended up asking him that, he wasn’t even sure if what they had, whatever was going between them was enough for them to be labeled as boyfriends; but Jongin smiled in glee and jumped in accomplishment when he whispered his answer that he felt lull seeing those actions directed at him. He never got the chance to take his answer back.
As what he envisioned, their relationship was jarring and rough as neither of them actually made the first move for skinship and conversation. One is measuring the weight of what he’d want to do while the other not wanting any contact at all. Hours turned to days and days turned to months and neither one of them showed signs of wanting to break up, even in the situation they were in, and so they didn’t.
Jongin continued his escapades to his house, staying longer than asked for and asked Kyungsoo more questions than he ever had. Maybe it was Jongin, maybe it was the cold of the night, and it may even be the mute television and radio around the house that made him push in further when the younger made a move to kiss him. Red warning signs were being flashed before his eyes when the contact had been made but, for once, he shut them down and explored the smooth lips on his.
I know this is too soon and maybe something you would be uncomfortable to hear but I’m going to say it anyways, the younger had started, and Kyungsoo feared what was to come. I love you, Jongin mouthed, each word suddenly puncturing his insides.
No.
What happened next was inevitable. Kyungsoo had his walls, he had his beliefs that no one might understand him but he’ll hold on to them, and Jongin almost broke one of those. Love, Jongin mentioned and Kyungsoo pulled back from Jongin’s hold on him, startling the younger when he suddenly grabbed his backpack and throwing it to its owner.
No, he repeated with more intensity so that Jongin can feel his blazing feelings, you can’t. As he expected, being the obstinate man that he is, the other asked for a reason. Because you just can’t, he hissed between gritted teeth, and then he suddenly grabbed the younger by his arm and forcefully pushed him out of the front door.
Kyungsoo was left in the darkness, and after a long time, he welcomed it. Finally understanding that it is in that gloominess where he feels home, sated. It is in the shadow of his past where he belongs, where he should stay.
Tomorrow, he thought to himself, I’ll break up with Jongin tomorrow.
Kyungsoo never had the chance to do what he planned.
Before the break of dawn the next day, Kyungsoo was violently woken up by the sounds of clinking pots and pans in the kitchen. When he stepped out of his room, Jongin was there, and glancing at what’s behind the man, he saw two plates which had bacon and eggs in it (which were burnt but this is Jongin we’re talking about here) and steaming hot chocolate filled to the brim of his favorite mug.
I’m sorry, Jongin had hurriedly apologized, about last night, you know, I knew you’d feel uncomfortable but I just wanted to let it out. Forgive me?
Now once again, the warning lights, the practiced replies and the stern expression was gone, Kyungsoo found himself mumbling an okay before pushing through Jongin to sit at the dining table and eat the breakfast made for him.
Okay? Oh, okay, the younger dazedly answered, let’s just forget that happened.
Kyungsoo nodded, knowing in himself that he actually already had done just that.
The food was definitely burnt.
Questions weren’t asked since then; they just continued to spend time with each other. Jongin would always be at his place and Kyungsoo relished himself in Jongin’s company. No one knew, though, that they were together, maybe Baekhyun because he knows everything if it’s Kyungsoo, maybe Chanyeol because he’s Baekhyun’s, but no one else. They were only intimate and beside each other when they were behind closed doors, whenever Kyungsoo thought it’s okay for Jongin to hold his hand, when they were hidden from the world’s stares. Jongin never opposed, not repeating his actions whenever Kyungsoo would escape his hold. The list was becoming long, the number of times Kyungsoo rejected Jongin in public. He never did allow Jongin contact, he can’t. People can’t see him in that kind of situation, he won’t allow it. They know, the people, that he doesn’t deserve to be loved, and that he will keep in mind.
Jongin must have felt clogged up inside that certain day; Kyungsoo was 18 then, as routine, Jongin was at his house and they were watching a re-run of a chick flick on TV when Jongin angled himself to look Kyungsoo at the eye and asked do you love me Kyungsoo which, of course, left the older dumbfounded. So you don’t huh, was the assumption made and Kyungsoo wanted to argue, to say that what the younger was thinking was wrong and it wasn’t like that but he never did. He would never. All he feared was once again laid in front of him. He’ll never be what Jongin needs.
We’re nearing our 4th year together Soo, and Jongin’s voice sounded so pained that Kyungsoo had to gather all his self control to not break down and spill out everything, don’t you think I need to know why you’re holding yourself back? Why I can’t hold you in the street? Why I can’t say that I love you? Why we are stuck in your place all day and no one should know about us? 4 years, Soo, please.
How could he have the power to confess, though? He didn’t have the courage.
I don’t deserve all that, Jongin, he tentatively answered, I am not someone to be loved.
What are we then? What am I to you? Jongin had bombarded him with a clipped voice. We’re boyfriends, aren’t we?
Kyungsoo nodded slowly.
But you don’t love me, Jongin had said.
He just stared at the man who was suddenly standing in front of him, looking up to the beautiful face that has accompanied him through the years, blinking a little as the light was shining too brightly behind the younger’s face, making him shine a little bit more. You’re so beautiful and it hurts even me when I know that I can’t deserve you, Kyungsoo thought as he continued to gaze at the eyes on him. Minutes must have passed, Kyungsoo isn’t really sure, but neither broke the contact, the heating moment burning each other but doesn’t sting.
Jongin must have found something because he sighed in surrender, and the next words he blurted out before grabbing his backpack and leaving left Kyungsoo’s mouth agape.
“I’ll love you even if you wouldn’t want me, hyung. Even if you shout at me and prove to me a lot of times that you’ll never love me the way you should, I’ll stick to your side, I’ll prove to you that all you have are misconceptions of what love really is. Someday, Do Kyungsoo, we’ll meet in the streets and you wouldn’t budge nor pretend when I hold your hand.”
-
A picture of him and Jongin was staring back at him as he was fighting with himself to stop the tears that were starting to fall from his eyes. 5 years, Kyungsoo thought, since the day he said yes and the one and only picture he had taken with Jongin was printed in the size of a whole bond paper and was protected by a picture frame. He didn’t know Jongin had this, how would he when he was sure that the photo was taken the day he said yes, with both of them looking at the camera: Kyungsoo was smiling broadly at the camera, the eye smile that he never showed was plastered on his face while Jongin’s side profile was the only one seen, as he was looking at the older with his usual bear smile and the arm not holding the phone was wound around Kyungsoo’s shoulder in protection and looked so beautiful.
It was this one time, Kyungsoo declining the other times Jongin asked for a picture, and he desperately wanted to believe that the younger having this in his possession meant something more than just boyfriends and secret relationships. Also, with the fact that the photo was on top of the bunch meant that it was placed last, Jongin must have put it inside with his other belongings on the day of the moving itself.
He suddenly felt scared with the sudden flow of emotions that he felt and he didn’t have the strength to stop the tears that betrayed him and gushed out of his eyes. His silent cries were a sign of desperation, of a prayer that would allow him to fall and die and in love, of a confirmation that even him is hopelessly waiting for.
Silent sobbing was continued until a door was clicked open and startled Kyungsoo out of his recollection.
“Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol’s deep voice sounded through the quiet walls around him, obvious that the tall man had just woken up, “What’re you doing?”
“Nothing,” He whispered back, forcing himself to not glance at the other, hating how his voice sounded.
“Are you sure? You don’t sound that great, is Jongin home? Let me call him,” Chanyeol sleepily said which made Kyungsoo stand up from his position on the floor and glare at Chanyeol with his tear-stained eyes.
“Don’t you dare!” His voice sounded poisonous and the taller of the two took one step back in fear.
“Kyungsoo-“
“You will, I’ll kill you,” Then he stormed out of the living room and into his shared bedroom with Jongin, locking the door and embracing himself in the usual calmness of the quiet.
Jongin should never know, Kyungsoo thought, whether it was about his tears or the way his thoughts reached a while ago, Jongin should never know.
Why can't you hold me in the street?
Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor?
I wish that it could be like that
Why can't we be like that? 'Cause I'm yours
Jongin had an exciting first day in school and he wanted so much to hurry home to tell his boyfriend about his day. Luhan, Jongin thought, he’s a nice friend. I hope he finds a place soon. Thinking about how he spent time with the older the whole day and got to know him was fun, who knew he’d be able to find someone to be close to, right? With that happy thought, he continued his walk home.
It wasn’t creepy, Jongin wouldn’t want to think that about their new home, but it was too quiet for his liking. He entered the front door and was in the hallway to the living room and no sound was to be heard. Weird, he thought, until he reached the living room and saw Chanyeol and Baekhyun looking so serious while sitting on the sofa.
”What are we doing?” Jongin asked, hating how loud his voice sounded, making the two jump from their fixed position on the couch.
“He- Hey Jongin, you’re home early,” Chanyeol stuttered, which Jongin thought was so unlike the elder.
“I’m actually home later than my schedule, hyung, what are you even saying,” he replied, trying to weigh the mood between them three.
“Is that so?” the petite man beside Chanyeol inquired, not sounding interested, “I see.”
Oh gosh, Jongin can’t handle this anymore. This is so not these two’s scene.
“What’s going on? Care to tell me why the two of you are acting so strange? I mean, you’re usually strange, hyung, but you’re both being stranger.”
The two trade glances and Jongin dreads the look they exchange.
“Where’s Kyungsoo?” Jongin asked, fearing the answer they’ll say.
“No worries, it’s not like that,” Chanyeol assured, “It’s just that I saw him crying when I woke up, he was fixing your boxes. I asked him what it was but he told me not to bother, when I told him I’ll call you, he gave me that death glare. Yes, yes, I know that he does usually give me that look and I don’t let it get to me anymore but… it’s just that… he had tears in his eyes, Jongin-ah. He was crying and I don’t know why.”
“Chanyeol said that he looked so broken, Jongin,” Baekhyun whispered, concerned for his best friend, “I know Kyungsoo, something must have happened.”
So that’s why. Jongin glanced to his box, now open and left lying on the floor, what could have triggered this incident, though? Why now?
“Where is he? Have you talked to him?” he sounded serious already, probably because this is Kyungsoo and he wouldn’t want anything to harm the older.
Little did Jongin know that he was the source of it.
“Nope, he dashed for your room and hasn’t stepped out since then,” the tallest of the three provided.
“You try and talk to him, Jongin, he’ll listen to you,” Baekhyun sounded so sure that Jongin wanted to believe him, “I know he will.”
Jongin knew otherwise though, any words of consolation from him would most probably mean nothing to Kyungsoo but this was their new house, they’re about to start anew, and he needed to do this.
He just nodded, acknowledging his older brothers’ words, and went to stand outside the door of his shared room with Kyungsoo.
“Kyungsoo?” he called out, “Kyungsoo, are you in there?”
No one answers.
Sounds of knuckles scraping wood is heard, with the younger maintaining self-control to not bang on the door, as he knocks a few more times.
“Kyungsoo, can’t you let me in? I’d like to get changed,” he called out again after a minute.
As expected, no one answers.
A few more beats after, “You can’t keep me out of the room forever, Soo, all my things are in there.”
Nothing. Still, nothing.
“Kyungsoo, I know you don’t want to talk about it, and we won’t. I won’t pester you to tell me something you wouldn’t want,” Jongin tried again, trying to say words that he knows the older would want to hear, “You trust me, don’t you?”
You do, right?
A few minutes pass and nothing is heard.
“Just… please let me in,” he was starting to get tired. Waiting a few more minutes to make sure that his boyfriend is listening, however he can’t hear anything. Not even breathing, or the crumpling of the bed sheets. Where could Kyungsoo be?
No one answers; Jongin hates to think that he actually expected that someone would. 5 years, 5 years and nothing has changed.
He sighs. Will it ever change?
Jongin thinks he’s losing hope. Maybe he is.
The younger slides down the door, leaning his head back on the wood, suddenly feeling stressed and tired from the way his day turned out. He thinks he knew Kyungsoo since he had made it his vow to love and take care of the older, with or without knowing the story behind his boyfriend’s actions. He concludes that the elder’s past is the reason that he is how he is right now, but he accepts that if Kyungsoo doesn’t want to tell him about it, he wouldn’t ask.
It’s not that Jongin doesn’t have the heart to know, of course he does, and he’d want to be just like their best friends, always broadcasting their love story, indulging themselves in verses and episodes about each other. However, Jongin never forgot about that certain night, that moment when he’d been so sure that he had fallen and is in love with the older, that night that felt so cold even to him with the other’s reaction to his words. I love you, he had said, 3 words he had practiced saying. Kyungsoo’s eyes felt so distant once those words slipped out of his tongue, it wasn’t the look he had familiarized himself with. The other said that he can’t, that he wasn’t someone who deserves to be loved, and with just those words, even though he was thrown out of the house violently, he thinks that what he heard was the gist of all of Kyungsoo’s worries.
He remembers walking home in deep thought, trying to think of things that would result to Kyungsoo thinking those kinds of things. He just can’t seem to comprehend why the elder would claim himself unlovable when in Jongin’s experience; he was the easiest person to love. A lot of thoughts swam in his mind; broken family, past relationships, harsh society, no siblings or lack of friends, however he can’t think of the right answer when Kyungsoo actually seemed happy with his life.
A few months into their relationship and Jongin came to the conclusion that it must be himself trying to convince his conscience that Kyungsoo is happy, that Kyungsoo smiles a little different when he’s with him, that he laughs and is in his own element when they’re together. The years passed and he is now thinking that maybe he is forcing such information in his mind to compensate for the information that Kyungsoo will never provide.
If only Kyungsoo accepts his love.
With what he said that night, Jongin knew, Kyungsoo thinks so little of himself, thinking that love isn’t something he deserved and needed. It hurt Jongin to the core, how can someone think of that? How can he deem himself unwanted? How could he make Kyungsoo change his way of thinking? All these questions that he has tried his best to find the answers still remain unsettled.
Now here he is, once again in a very dangerous situation, wherein he’s unsure of Kyungsoo’s decision and their future. He’ll never choose anyone else, that’s already etched in his heart, but he can’t hold onto a hand if it’s Kyungsoo himself who’s letting go.
I don’t want us to end, we can’t.
“Please,” he whispers again, to Kyungsoo, or to the air, or to the cold door separating the two of them, begging for something he isn’t sure he can still possess.
Jongin ends up sleeping outside their room.
When you're with him, do you call his name
Like you do when you're with me? Does it feel the same?
Would you leave if I was ready to settle down?
Or would you play it safe and stay?
His mind was in a mess, so was his heart. Why? How? Is it true? All these questions that he has no answers to, it all leads back to Jongin, Jongin and Jongin. That picture, he thought, that picture that he doesn’t remember, has no recollection of, is right there in the younger’s possessions. He wonders why Jongin still has that photo, how he had the thought of having it printed, and if it is true that maybe the younger did have feelings for him since then.
He can’t is once again the thought that fills his mind. Kyungsoo knows that he isn’t someone to be loved; he isn’t someone to deserve that degree of affection. However, here he is, doubting himself. Maybe, is the new word that pops in his head, maybe Jongin does love me. Why me, though? How is it that he loves some loser like me? All the bothering questions pop in his mind, he thinks that whatever possibility it is that the younger loves him is something that he’s forcing onto himself, making him forget that he isn’t someone worthy of any of those. Kyungsoo knows, haven’t we all implemented that already, that no one of the likes of him deserves devotion, most especially from someone who is as special and fond as Kim Jongin.
All these assessing makes his head hurt and his heart sore, so after making sure that the door to the room is locked, he drifts to sleep. In silent prayer, he hopes that he will have the answer to all his troubles when he wakes up.
Who knows, maybe Kyungsoo is just as scared as Jongin. That the two of them are trying to fight for this relationship that they had going up to 5 years, that the two of them are wanting the same thing but is too scared to ask of it from the other. Even in his dreams, he sees Jongin’s longing face. Every instance Jongin tried to grab his hand while they were walking home from school, those moments during lunch wherein the younger would stare at him longer than what’s asked for and the unwanted incidents when the other blurts out an I love you and he just stays frozen from shock. It’s all piled up in his heart since he never made a move to let Jongin do what he desired, he never had the chance to push longer the time that they just stared into each other’s eyes and he most definitely never answered Jongin’s proclamation of love. How could I?
I am scared.
Once he says those words, he would have admitted not only to the younger, but also to himself that he is indeed in love. He is bearing the feelings that he has banned himself from. With just the thought of that, he already thinks that all possible outcomes would result to either Jongin pitying him or Jongin leaving him since, really, no one is able to carry the pain that Kyungsoo has.
Kyungsoo can’t let Jongin go, though.
Never had it crossed his mind that Jongin wouldn’t be part of his life. From the moment that the younger made himself Kyungsoo’s personal home buddy to the time they became boyfriends up to now that they haven’t fixed any of the problems they had, the elder hadn’t thought of living without the likes of Kim Jongin.
He wakes up to the sound of someone knocking on the door. It must be Jongin. He stretches his body and cracks his bones in fatigue.
Rampant loud knocking comes and his head suddenly aches because of the noisy sound. Kyungsoo can’t bear to stand up and open the door.
“Kyungsoo?” he hears Jongin’s voice, “Kyungsoo are you in there?”
His voice is gone. I’m in here, he thinks, but his voice fails him.
Sounds of knuckles scraping wood is heard once again, his head isn’t getting any better. A few more knocks and his breathing gets ragged. It’s getting hot.
“Kyungsoo, can’t you let me in? I’d like to get changed,” the younger calls again, after a minute had passed.
As expected, he can’t even budge.
A few more beats after, “You can’t keep me out of the room forever, Soo, all my things are in there.”
Nothing. Still, nothing.
I’m not doing this on purpose, Jongin-ah.
“Kyungsoo, I know you don’t want to talk about it, and we won’t. I won’t pester you to tell me something you wouldn’t want,” Jongin tried again, Kyungsoo knows he’s trying to say the words he would want to hear, “You trust me, don’t you?”
I… I do, Jongin. I trust you.
Yes, I do.
A few minutes pass and nothing is heard.
“Just… please let me in.”
I want to. I can’t right now, though. He stills himself in an attempt to right his breathing. In, out. In, out. Kyungsoo forces himself to move but to no avail, he can’t leave Jongin outside.
He doesn’t know how long it has been, the younger isn’t talking anymore. Please, still be there. Now, more than ever, Kyungsoo despises the situation he’s in. No matter that he doesn’t know if he’s in love, if he can’t accept that maybe he is, but he believes in Jongin. Kyungsoo knows, Jongin will make all of this right. From his jumbled feelings to their relationship, Jongin will make it all fall in place. If only he gets to answer Jongin’s cries from the door separating them at the moment.
Kyungsoo hopes, in vain, that the younger is still outside and waiting. Although he knows how harsh it is that he is the one who always makes the younger wait and suffer, he’ll never let go. If it is Jongin, he wouldn’t have the heart to let go.
I don’t want us to end, we can’t.
“Please,” he hears Jongin whisper again, too low that he almost missed it. Who is he talking to? Maybe to me, or to the air, or to the cold door separating the two of them, begging for something only Kyungsoo can give an answer to.
Kyungsoo ends up losing a futile battle with himself.
-
The morning after, Kyungsoo finally gets the chance to move his limbs and sit up from bed. He is still feeling drained and wasted but he gathers all his strength to stand up and finally open the door to look for Jongin. What welcomed him was Jongin’s lithe figure looking so cold sleeping on the floor. Oh no. The elder is reaching out to caress the other’s cheek when the body moves around and he stops his advance. I can’t even make the first move. He sighs in exasperation, goes back into the room and grabs his blanket, hurrying outside to wrap it around Jongin.
“I’m sorry,” that is all I can say, for everything, Kyungsoo whispers, hoping the younger would hear him in his dreams.
After recovering himself, Kyungsoo straightens up and gets ready for school, silently moving around the house in case he wakes the younger up. Why don’t you wake him up yourself and let him sleep on a bed? He has a silly brain and even more stupid decisions. Not even an hour passed once he was all dressed up for school.
Kyungsoo leaves Jongin lying on the floor with a closed door, cold floorings and an empty promise.
Part 2