Gloomy Sunday
Title: Gloomy Sunday
Characters: Jude/Max
Fandom: Across the Universe
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1
Prompt: 26, Gloomy
Author's Note: This is entirely a product of imagination, and I do not own Jude Feeny, Max Carrigan, or any of the other characters depicted in the film Across the Universe.
Dear Max,
I'm sitting here on a Sunday when it's pouring down rain, looking out of the window and wishing you were here with me. I'd give anything to be able to curl up beside you in bed, or on the couch, and know that you're here with me and that you're safe.
I keep wondering what it's like over there right now, this minute. Is it raining there, too? Or is it bright and warm and sunny? What are you doing? For all I know, you're fast asleep and maybe dreaming of me. Or you could be in dire danger and about to get killed.
That's the hardest thing for me to deal with, not knowing what's happening to you at any given moment. I know that I can't be with you all the time here at home, and that I don't always know exactly what you're doing. But at least here, you're close to me.
It's days like this when you seem even further away. You're still with me in my heart, and I know that you still love me just as much as ever. I love you too, Max. I'll always love you, not matter what happens, and even if I never see you again. I'll always be yours.
But it's so hard to hold on to the hope that I feel on sunny days when it looks like this. There's no thunder, no lightning, just sheets of rain pouring down, and the sky is all grey. It's like there's no light and no hope left in the world, like it's all been extinguished.
I feel like I should be playing that Billie Holiday record, "Gloomy Sunday." My mum has always loved that song, but whenever she played it, it made me feel hopeless -- just like I do now. Even when things were bright for me, it still always made me feel melancholy.
I've got a reason to feel like that now. I know that I should try to keep your spirits up, and mine too, but it's so hard to do sometimes, Max. It gets so lonely, and I feel like you're never coming back to me. And I can't help wondering how you'll feel when you do finally come home.
Will you still be in love with me? Will you still want to be with an unemployed, penniless bloke from Liverpool? Or will you want to settle down with some rich girl and live the life that your family wants for you, far away from me?
I shouldn't doubt you. I know how you feel about me. I know that part of the reason you didn't dodge the draft and go to Canada was because you wanted me to be proud of you for doing the right thing. But it scares me to think of the future.
All I want is for you to come home safe. And to come home with your feelings for me intact. I'm scared of what being over there, so far away from me, could do to you. I'm scared that being apart for so long could make us lose each other forever.
So many veterans are coming back now wounded and all messed up. Even if you can't see their scars, you know they're there, because their minds will never be the same. I'm terrified that you'll come back to me that way, Max. That your mind -- and your heart -- won't be the same.
That's crazy, I know. I can trust you. You're not going to change; you're going to keep on loving me until the end of time. I can't imagine a world where we didn't love each other. But it's still scary to think that you could come back to me a changed man.
I keep telling myself that as long as your heart doesn't change, I can cope with any other changes in you. As long as you still love me, and we can still be together and love each other for the rest of our lives, then nothing else matters.
I really shouldn't let myself fall into this kind of gloomy attitude. I should try to be bright and cheerful, at least when I write to you. But I can't lie to you. I can't make you feel like I'm all happy and everything's okay when it's not. That would be even worse.
I've never been good at lying to you. You've always known that. I've told a lot of lies in my life, but never to you. And the few times I have, you've always caught me at it because I'm such a bad liar. So I'm not going to try to pull the wool over your eyes now.
The last thing I want to do is add to all the pressure you've got to be feeling over there. I want you to know that I love you, that I'll always love you, and that I'm here for you when you get home. That's the day I'm living for, the day when we're together again.
But I can't lie and say that I feel okay when I don't, Max. I can't smile and pretend to be happy when I'm not. You'd rather have me tell the truth and let you know my real feelings than get something fake and phony. I know you. You want me to tell it like it is.
So, that's how it is. I feel down and depressed and gloomy -- but that might only be because it's gloomy and grey and rainy today, and that matches how I'm feeling. Maybe if it was bright and sunny, I'd feel better and this letter would be a happier one.
I should probably wait to write to you until I can feel brighter, and not depress you with my own gloom and dark thoughts. But if we can't be honest with each other, and share our depression as well as the happy times, then we wouldn't have much of a relationship, would we?
We need to share ourselves completely, even if we can't be with each other and share ourselves in the physical way. If we only wrote bright happy things to each other, we'd both know something was wrong, and then we'd only worry more.
I'm sorry to be so down and gloomy, Max. I don't want to depress you, or upset you, or make you feel like there's something wrong with us. There isn't. I'm still just as much yours as I was the first time we kissed. I always will be. Never doubt that. Ever.
I'm just down and depressed because of the rain, and because I miss you. I hope you're okay, even if I know in my heart that you're not because we're so far apart. But we'll be together again one day. And sooner rather than later. We both have to believe that.
I'll get over this gloominess, and the next letter I write to you will be happier. I promise you that. And in the meantime, hang on in there, baby. You'll be coming home to me soon, and then there'll be no reason for either one of us to be gloomy ever again.
All my loving,
Jude
Characters: Jude/Max
Fandom: Across the Universe
Rating: PG-13
Table: 1
Prompt: 26, Gloomy
Author's Note: This is entirely a product of imagination, and I do not own Jude Feeny, Max Carrigan, or any of the other characters depicted in the film Across the Universe.
Dear Max,
I'm sitting here on a Sunday when it's pouring down rain, looking out of the window and wishing you were here with me. I'd give anything to be able to curl up beside you in bed, or on the couch, and know that you're here with me and that you're safe.
I keep wondering what it's like over there right now, this minute. Is it raining there, too? Or is it bright and warm and sunny? What are you doing? For all I know, you're fast asleep and maybe dreaming of me. Or you could be in dire danger and about to get killed.
That's the hardest thing for me to deal with, not knowing what's happening to you at any given moment. I know that I can't be with you all the time here at home, and that I don't always know exactly what you're doing. But at least here, you're close to me.
It's days like this when you seem even further away. You're still with me in my heart, and I know that you still love me just as much as ever. I love you too, Max. I'll always love you, not matter what happens, and even if I never see you again. I'll always be yours.
But it's so hard to hold on to the hope that I feel on sunny days when it looks like this. There's no thunder, no lightning, just sheets of rain pouring down, and the sky is all grey. It's like there's no light and no hope left in the world, like it's all been extinguished.
I feel like I should be playing that Billie Holiday record, "Gloomy Sunday." My mum has always loved that song, but whenever she played it, it made me feel hopeless -- just like I do now. Even when things were bright for me, it still always made me feel melancholy.
I've got a reason to feel like that now. I know that I should try to keep your spirits up, and mine too, but it's so hard to do sometimes, Max. It gets so lonely, and I feel like you're never coming back to me. And I can't help wondering how you'll feel when you do finally come home.
Will you still be in love with me? Will you still want to be with an unemployed, penniless bloke from Liverpool? Or will you want to settle down with some rich girl and live the life that your family wants for you, far away from me?
I shouldn't doubt you. I know how you feel about me. I know that part of the reason you didn't dodge the draft and go to Canada was because you wanted me to be proud of you for doing the right thing. But it scares me to think of the future.
All I want is for you to come home safe. And to come home with your feelings for me intact. I'm scared of what being over there, so far away from me, could do to you. I'm scared that being apart for so long could make us lose each other forever.
So many veterans are coming back now wounded and all messed up. Even if you can't see their scars, you know they're there, because their minds will never be the same. I'm terrified that you'll come back to me that way, Max. That your mind -- and your heart -- won't be the same.
That's crazy, I know. I can trust you. You're not going to change; you're going to keep on loving me until the end of time. I can't imagine a world where we didn't love each other. But it's still scary to think that you could come back to me a changed man.
I keep telling myself that as long as your heart doesn't change, I can cope with any other changes in you. As long as you still love me, and we can still be together and love each other for the rest of our lives, then nothing else matters.
I really shouldn't let myself fall into this kind of gloomy attitude. I should try to be bright and cheerful, at least when I write to you. But I can't lie to you. I can't make you feel like I'm all happy and everything's okay when it's not. That would be even worse.
I've never been good at lying to you. You've always known that. I've told a lot of lies in my life, but never to you. And the few times I have, you've always caught me at it because I'm such a bad liar. So I'm not going to try to pull the wool over your eyes now.
The last thing I want to do is add to all the pressure you've got to be feeling over there. I want you to know that I love you, that I'll always love you, and that I'm here for you when you get home. That's the day I'm living for, the day when we're together again.
But I can't lie and say that I feel okay when I don't, Max. I can't smile and pretend to be happy when I'm not. You'd rather have me tell the truth and let you know my real feelings than get something fake and phony. I know you. You want me to tell it like it is.
So, that's how it is. I feel down and depressed and gloomy -- but that might only be because it's gloomy and grey and rainy today, and that matches how I'm feeling. Maybe if it was bright and sunny, I'd feel better and this letter would be a happier one.
I should probably wait to write to you until I can feel brighter, and not depress you with my own gloom and dark thoughts. But if we can't be honest with each other, and share our depression as well as the happy times, then we wouldn't have much of a relationship, would we?
We need to share ourselves completely, even if we can't be with each other and share ourselves in the physical way. If we only wrote bright happy things to each other, we'd both know something was wrong, and then we'd only worry more.
I'm sorry to be so down and gloomy, Max. I don't want to depress you, or upset you, or make you feel like there's something wrong with us. There isn't. I'm still just as much yours as I was the first time we kissed. I always will be. Never doubt that. Ever.
I'm just down and depressed because of the rain, and because I miss you. I hope you're okay, even if I know in my heart that you're not because we're so far apart. But we'll be together again one day. And sooner rather than later. We both have to believe that.
I'll get over this gloominess, and the next letter I write to you will be happier. I promise you that. And in the meantime, hang on in there, baby. You'll be coming home to me soon, and then there'll be no reason for either one of us to be gloomy ever again.
All my loving,
Jude