Like A Stranger
Title: Like A Stranger
Characters: Jude/Max
Fandom: Across the Universe
Rating: R
Table: 1
Prompt: 22, Strangers
Author's Note: This is entirely a product of imagination, and I do not own Jude Feeny, Max Carrigan, or any of the other characters depicted in the film Across the Universe.
Dear Max,
Sometimes I wonder if you even get the letters I send you. How do the couriers know where to go? I mean, you're all over that country; you could be anywhere. I can't help but wonder every time I write if you'll ever be able to see the words.
I know, I know. I shouldn't think like that. I try to be positive, to think that you're going to come back to me safe and sound. It seems like all I do lately is think about you -- and pray, even though I've never been a religious person at all.
But praying feels like it's all I've got left. If I don't pray, then the two of us might be overlooked when all this is over and you have the chance to come home. Or something even worse might happen when you do finally come back to me.
That's the scariest thing of all, that feeling I have once in a while that we might be strangers to each other when you get back. I don't like to think about it, but I can't get the idea out of my head that by the time you come back, we'll both have changed.
Before you start thinking that there's anybody else and that's why I feel this way, don't. There isn't any other guy for me. You're the only one, Max. You always have been, from the second I first saw you. You don't have to worry about anybody taking your place.
What scares me is thinking that you might have changed so much since you've been in the war that your priorities are different. People say that happens all the time, that wars change people and that they come back with completely different feelings.
I don't know what I'd do if that happened. I couldn't stand to look at you and see a stranger looking back at me with your eyes, your face. That would be worse than death. I'll be honest, I'd rather lose you to death than lose you in that way.
I don't want to lose you at all. That scares me more than anything else I could think of. I've thought about how I would spend the rest of my life without you, and I've drawn a blank every time. I can't imagine my life without having you in it.
That's why I'm so scard that something could happen to you over there that might put a wall between the two of us and turn us into strangers. People keep telling me all the time that they've seen it happen. I have nightmares about things being like that.
Okay, okay, I know that I'm being stupid. It's not going to happen. You're going to come back to me and we're going to pick up right where we left off. That's the plan, anyway. But what if something happens to stop that plan cold in its tracks? What if you are different?
I know you don't want to be. And I know you love me and you don't want that to change. But what if you can't help it? What if the things you've seen and done over there change you into a different person, and what if that person loses your feelings for me?
If you were here right now, you'd laugh and put an arm around my shoulders and tell me that I need to calm down, that I'm making mountains out of molehills and looking for trouble where there isn't any. I want to take that advice so badly.
But what if it's true, Max? What if we somehow become strangers over the time that you're gone, taking part in this damn war that neither of us believes in? What if by the time you get back, we don't feel like we know each other any longer?
I need to stop asking these questions. I need to stop looking for problems. But there's a part of me that can't help doing it. I guess it's because I grew up feeling alone and abandoned, and those feelings are trying to come back to me in full force.
You didn't abandon me. You never would. I know that in my heart. Don't think that I'd ever look at you as being like my dad, running out on me because you decided you couldn't handle being with me or that you didn't want me any more. You're not like that.
There's a part of me that's terrified of looking at you and seeing a stranger in front of me -- or of looking into your eyes and realizing that I'm a stranger to you. Nothing could be scarier to me than knowing we've drifted so far apart that we can't find each other again.
You've been my rock ever since we got together, Max. On that night we first met, I was really angry and disillusioned because of my father -- and you made those feelings go away. I thought my future was nothing but dark clouds -- and you made that future turn into sunlight.
I'm afraid of losing that sunlight. I'm afraid that we'll end up losing each other, that I'll have to go back to Liverpool again and take up the life I had there, the dead-end life that I worked so hard to get away from. I don't want to live like that, with all my dreams unfulfilled.
And I don't want to have to live with just memories of you. I want to be here, by your side, spending every day together like we promised each other we'd do that first night we made love. I don't want us to end up as strangers who can't even talk to each other.
It's impossible that the two of us could be strangers to each other. I've seen people end up like that, and not just because of something like a war. It happens every day; people just .... fall out of love, I guess. I don't want to think that could ever happen to us.
I guess all we can really do is wait and see what happens, and try to think of each other every day so that we won't drift apart. You don't ever have to worry about there being anybody else in my life, Max. I'm not going to let that happen. Set your mind at ease about that.
I know there won't be anybody else for you, either. There couldn't be. Not after all that we've been to each other. We have to hold on to what we have and not let it fade. And this stupid fucking war has to end so that you can come home safe to me.
We can't let ourselves turn into strangers, Max. I know that you've seen a lot of things over there that you'd rather forget, and maybe your thoughts of me are a part of your life there. But you can't let those thoughts go, and you can't let them blend into your nightmares.
You've never been like a stranger to me, not since that first time I looked into your eyes. I knew with that first glance that you would be somebody special in my life. And I'm not going to let you go. I'm going to fight for you, for us, for what we have.
My hand's shaking so hard that it's getting impossible to keep writing. I hope you get this letter. And I hope that everything I've said resonates with you, and that you think of me and hold on to the thought that you'll be home soon and we'll make up for all this time we've lost.
Love always,
Jude
Characters: Jude/Max
Fandom: Across the Universe
Rating: R
Table: 1
Prompt: 22, Strangers
Author's Note: This is entirely a product of imagination, and I do not own Jude Feeny, Max Carrigan, or any of the other characters depicted in the film Across the Universe.
Dear Max,
Sometimes I wonder if you even get the letters I send you. How do the couriers know where to go? I mean, you're all over that country; you could be anywhere. I can't help but wonder every time I write if you'll ever be able to see the words.
I know, I know. I shouldn't think like that. I try to be positive, to think that you're going to come back to me safe and sound. It seems like all I do lately is think about you -- and pray, even though I've never been a religious person at all.
But praying feels like it's all I've got left. If I don't pray, then the two of us might be overlooked when all this is over and you have the chance to come home. Or something even worse might happen when you do finally come back to me.
That's the scariest thing of all, that feeling I have once in a while that we might be strangers to each other when you get back. I don't like to think about it, but I can't get the idea out of my head that by the time you come back, we'll both have changed.
Before you start thinking that there's anybody else and that's why I feel this way, don't. There isn't any other guy for me. You're the only one, Max. You always have been, from the second I first saw you. You don't have to worry about anybody taking your place.
What scares me is thinking that you might have changed so much since you've been in the war that your priorities are different. People say that happens all the time, that wars change people and that they come back with completely different feelings.
I don't know what I'd do if that happened. I couldn't stand to look at you and see a stranger looking back at me with your eyes, your face. That would be worse than death. I'll be honest, I'd rather lose you to death than lose you in that way.
I don't want to lose you at all. That scares me more than anything else I could think of. I've thought about how I would spend the rest of my life without you, and I've drawn a blank every time. I can't imagine my life without having you in it.
That's why I'm so scard that something could happen to you over there that might put a wall between the two of us and turn us into strangers. People keep telling me all the time that they've seen it happen. I have nightmares about things being like that.
Okay, okay, I know that I'm being stupid. It's not going to happen. You're going to come back to me and we're going to pick up right where we left off. That's the plan, anyway. But what if something happens to stop that plan cold in its tracks? What if you are different?
I know you don't want to be. And I know you love me and you don't want that to change. But what if you can't help it? What if the things you've seen and done over there change you into a different person, and what if that person loses your feelings for me?
If you were here right now, you'd laugh and put an arm around my shoulders and tell me that I need to calm down, that I'm making mountains out of molehills and looking for trouble where there isn't any. I want to take that advice so badly.
But what if it's true, Max? What if we somehow become strangers over the time that you're gone, taking part in this damn war that neither of us believes in? What if by the time you get back, we don't feel like we know each other any longer?
I need to stop asking these questions. I need to stop looking for problems. But there's a part of me that can't help doing it. I guess it's because I grew up feeling alone and abandoned, and those feelings are trying to come back to me in full force.
You didn't abandon me. You never would. I know that in my heart. Don't think that I'd ever look at you as being like my dad, running out on me because you decided you couldn't handle being with me or that you didn't want me any more. You're not like that.
There's a part of me that's terrified of looking at you and seeing a stranger in front of me -- or of looking into your eyes and realizing that I'm a stranger to you. Nothing could be scarier to me than knowing we've drifted so far apart that we can't find each other again.
You've been my rock ever since we got together, Max. On that night we first met, I was really angry and disillusioned because of my father -- and you made those feelings go away. I thought my future was nothing but dark clouds -- and you made that future turn into sunlight.
I'm afraid of losing that sunlight. I'm afraid that we'll end up losing each other, that I'll have to go back to Liverpool again and take up the life I had there, the dead-end life that I worked so hard to get away from. I don't want to live like that, with all my dreams unfulfilled.
And I don't want to have to live with just memories of you. I want to be here, by your side, spending every day together like we promised each other we'd do that first night we made love. I don't want us to end up as strangers who can't even talk to each other.
It's impossible that the two of us could be strangers to each other. I've seen people end up like that, and not just because of something like a war. It happens every day; people just .... fall out of love, I guess. I don't want to think that could ever happen to us.
I guess all we can really do is wait and see what happens, and try to think of each other every day so that we won't drift apart. You don't ever have to worry about there being anybody else in my life, Max. I'm not going to let that happen. Set your mind at ease about that.
I know there won't be anybody else for you, either. There couldn't be. Not after all that we've been to each other. We have to hold on to what we have and not let it fade. And this stupid fucking war has to end so that you can come home safe to me.
We can't let ourselves turn into strangers, Max. I know that you've seen a lot of things over there that you'd rather forget, and maybe your thoughts of me are a part of your life there. But you can't let those thoughts go, and you can't let them blend into your nightmares.
You've never been like a stranger to me, not since that first time I looked into your eyes. I knew with that first glance that you would be somebody special in my life. And I'm not going to let you go. I'm going to fight for you, for us, for what we have.
My hand's shaking so hard that it's getting impossible to keep writing. I hope you get this letter. And I hope that everything I've said resonates with you, and that you think of me and hold on to the thought that you'll be home soon and we'll make up for all this time we've lost.
Love always,
Jude