Belated Birthday Fic for Silvercobwebs!
Okay, so this will teach me to read LJ notifications properly, I could have sworn that
silvercobwebs' birthday was today. *headdesk* And I spent bloody ages writing it so it would be ready in time. Anyhoo, this was written with much love for you
silvercobwebs, hope you enjoy it. And a belated Happy Birthday, hope you had a great one. xxx
This piece of cracktastic nonsense is set in the same universe as Death Takes a Holiday, although it is outside the timeline of that fic, and has absolutely no bearing on the plot of that at all.
Methos’ Adventures in L-Space (or, One of those Days)
Methos looked sceptically at the orang-utan in front of him. Albert had explained that the Librarian used to be a wizard until an accident had transformed him into an ape[1], but Methos wasn’t certain how the ape could help.
I can’t believe I’m standing in a magical library, asking an orang-utan for help to find Death’s scythe, Methos thought. Any minute now, Duncan or Joe will wake me from this crazed alcohol-induced dream. And then I’ll get another beer.
Ook? asked the Librarian. Methos shrugged his shoulders.
In for a penny, in for a pound, he thought before continuing aloud,
“It’s a bit embarrassing really. I’ve lost the scythe and Binky doesn’t know where[2],” Methos confessed.
Ook? the Librarian said, pulling his lips back in what Methos interpreted to be a grin. Blur pinpricks of light flickered in Methos’ eyes as he realised the Librarian was mocking him.
IT’S NOT FUNNY. CAN YOU HELP ME OR NOT? he demanded. His intention was that the Voice would intimidate the Librarian, but the orang-utan seemed decidedly nonplussed. With a shrug of his hairy shoulders, the Librarian ambled toward the stacks. Partway there, he stopped and looked back at Methos.
Ook! he exclaimed, then continued into the stacks. Methos shook his head and followed.
The Librarian led him deep into the stacks, and into the realm of L-Space[3]. Every library in the multiverse was connected in L-Space, every large collection of books, past, present and future all existed at the same time. To the initiated Librarians of Time and Space, everything that was ever published, will ever be published and even those that might have been published was accessible.
That much raw power was a dangerous thing, and L-Space was a dangerous place to navigate, which is why only those initiated in its secrets could traverse it. Even then the Librarians of Time and Space knew better than to enter it without good cause and so they strictly controlled access with three rules: 1. Silence; 2. Books must be returned no later than the last date shown, and 3. the nature of causality must not be interfered with.
The Librarian was no stranger to this feral and strange land, and it was with a sure foot that he led Methos through, only once changing course to avoid a group of dreaded clichés. Through communing with the books, the Librarian sought out a place that was likely to be either the location of the scythe or a place they could get some information. He grabbed Methos and pulled him back into normal space.
They exited into a brightly lit world, full of primary colours. The library they were in was small, a private collection, and it was clear from the architecture and the format of the books that this was the future. At the far end of the room was a decrepit old man in a lab coat and slippers.
*-*
“Good news everyone! The Grim Reaper and an orang-utan have come here to find a lost scythe. I told them we could help,” the old man proclaimed as he ushered Methos and the Librarian into another room. In the middle of this room was a round table and sat around it were two men, two women, one of whom had only one eye, a robot, and a creature that Methos could only think of as a giant lobster.
“Professor, I don’t see how we can help,” said the woman with one eye.
“Leela’s right, we’re doomed!” cried the lobster, which then emitted a blood-curdling scream and threw itself out the nearest window.
“Oh, but couldn’t we help? He’s quite cute,” pouted the other woman, who smiled coquettishly at Methos and waved. Methos took a nervous step backward.
“I don’t remember seeing any forms for this,” protested one man in a thick Jamaican accent before rifling through a pile of papers in front of him.
“Wait a minute, what’s in it for me?” asked the robot as he pulled a bottle of beer from inside his chest cavity and proceeded to drink it.
HOW ABOUT I LET YOU CONTINUE LIVING? Methos said coldly. The robot shrugged.
“Ah, living’s overrated.”
As this conversation was going on, the ginger haired man had walked over to where a bemused Methos and the Librarian stood watching[4]. The man bent over and patted the Librarian on the head.
“What a cute monkey!” he said. Methos groaned and covered his face with his hands, occasionally peeking out between his fingers at the carnage being wrought. Eventually the screams ended and Methos removed his hands to see the Librarian knuckling his way back to him, away from the pile of crumpled bodies in the middle of the room, which was currently groaning.
“That wasn’t very helpful,” Methos pointed out.
Ook, said the Librarian.
“You’re right, it probably wasn’t here anyway. I’d definitely remember coming here,” Methos conceded as the Librarian led him back to L-Space.
*-*
The next library they entered couldn’t have been more different. It was dark and dusty and old. Like the library at the Unseen University, the books here were magical and many were chained to the shelves to prevent escape.
Ook? whispered the Librarian. Methos shook his head.
“No, none of this seems familiar either,” Methos whispered back.
“You shouldn’t be here, this is the Restricted section,” said a voice behind them. The two travellers turned to find that the voice belonged to a young schoolgirl, maybe 12 or 13 years old, whose ginger hair was escaping from her ponytail in every direction.
“Er, sorry?” Methos offered.
“You aren’t teachers. How did you get in here?” the girl demanded, her hands on her hips. Methos was briefly reminded of Duncan and had to suppress a giggle.
Ook, said the Librarian.
“L-Space? How fascinating!” the girl exclaimed.
“I’m sure we’d love to get into a discussion of the nature of reality, books and power, but we’re in a bit of a rush. Have you seen a scythe lying around anywhere?” Methos said, already ushering the Librarian back the way they came. The girl was confused by the question.
“Er, no, sorry.”
“We’d best be off then,” Methos said, pointing to the stacks they had emerged from. As they passed the girl, Methos said, DON’T WORRY, WE WERE NEVER HERE.
Usually, a command like that with the Voice would mean that the young girl wouldn’t remember the encounter, but something must have been different about her because, as they re-entered L-Space, Methos heard her say,
“Harry! Ron! You’ll never guess who was just here!”
*-*
They searched exhaustively for the scythe, but couldn’t find it anywhere. Eventually, after a near miss with a stampede of hyperbole, the Librarian got bored and missed his Library, so he led Methos back to Unseen University. As they exited the stacks, Methos had an epiphany.
“I remember where I left it!” he said, delighted. He whistled, and after a brief moment Binky appeared. He mounted the horse and turned to the Librarian. “Thanks for the help,” he said, then faded out. As he vanished, the Librarian heard him add, “You were about as much use as a chocolate fireguard though.”
Methos rode Binky back to the Roundworld, and down to his own apartment. To his own shame and embarrassment, he realised that he had left the scythe propped up against his refrigerator when he stopped by to pick up some things[5]. He grabbed the scythe and then snapped his fingers. A lifetimer appeared in his hands. He turned to look at Binky.
“Don’t you ever tell anyone, okay?”
*-*
Methos strode down the battleship grey corridors, the ship disintegrating around him. Fire licked up the walls and across the ceiling, but he paid it no attention. He found the man he was looking for lying on the floor; a tall man with wire-brush hair and nostrils you could park an aircraft in. The man realised he was there and looked up at him.
ARNOLD JUDAS RIMMER. YOUR LIFE IS OVER. COME WITH ME[6].
[1] He had also made it clear that under no circumstances was Methos to refer to the Librarian as a monkey. Methos had thought it highly unlikely anyway as he had enough zoological smarts not to make that mistake, but he was now certain not to as he quite preferred his gonads where they were currently located.
[2] Whilst, under normal circumstances, Binky is able to go any where or when in the multiverse, he needs the rider to be exact in giving him his instructions. Unfortunately for Methos ‘go to the place I lost the scythe’ was a little too vague, even for Binky. Either that or Binky was being purposely obtuse to punish Methos for a little mix-up involving a bag of sugar and a bag of salt.
[3] L-space is a complicated concept, based upon the enormous power held within large numbers of books. For a detailed explanation read Guards! Guards! or the L-Space entry in Wiki. (Yes I know that footnote wasn’t funny, it was more of an A/N for the uninitiated. :p)
[4] Whilst certainly bemused, Methos was taking it all in his stride. Just lately he’d seen too much to be surprised by anything anymore.
[5] Binky had indeed been punishing Methos. He knew where it was all along. Albert also knew, but he thought it was funny.
[6] If you don’t know what happened next, watch the end of Red Dwarf 8.
silvercobwebs' birthday was today. *headdesk* And I spent bloody ages writing it so it would be ready in time. Anyhoo, this was written with much love for you
silvercobwebs, hope you enjoy it. And a belated Happy Birthday, hope you had a great one. xxx
This piece of cracktastic nonsense is set in the same universe as Death Takes a Holiday, although it is outside the timeline of that fic, and has absolutely no bearing on the plot of that at all.
Methos’ Adventures in L-Space (or, One of those Days)
Methos looked sceptically at the orang-utan in front of him. Albert had explained that the Librarian used to be a wizard until an accident had transformed him into an ape[1], but Methos wasn’t certain how the ape could help.
I can’t believe I’m standing in a magical library, asking an orang-utan for help to find Death’s scythe, Methos thought. Any minute now, Duncan or Joe will wake me from this crazed alcohol-induced dream. And then I’ll get another beer.
Ook? asked the Librarian. Methos shrugged his shoulders.
In for a penny, in for a pound, he thought before continuing aloud,
“It’s a bit embarrassing really. I’ve lost the scythe and Binky doesn’t know where[2],” Methos confessed.
Ook? the Librarian said, pulling his lips back in what Methos interpreted to be a grin. Blur pinpricks of light flickered in Methos’ eyes as he realised the Librarian was mocking him.
IT’S NOT FUNNY. CAN YOU HELP ME OR NOT? he demanded. His intention was that the Voice would intimidate the Librarian, but the orang-utan seemed decidedly nonplussed. With a shrug of his hairy shoulders, the Librarian ambled toward the stacks. Partway there, he stopped and looked back at Methos.
Ook! he exclaimed, then continued into the stacks. Methos shook his head and followed.
The Librarian led him deep into the stacks, and into the realm of L-Space[3]. Every library in the multiverse was connected in L-Space, every large collection of books, past, present and future all existed at the same time. To the initiated Librarians of Time and Space, everything that was ever published, will ever be published and even those that might have been published was accessible.
That much raw power was a dangerous thing, and L-Space was a dangerous place to navigate, which is why only those initiated in its secrets could traverse it. Even then the Librarians of Time and Space knew better than to enter it without good cause and so they strictly controlled access with three rules: 1. Silence; 2. Books must be returned no later than the last date shown, and 3. the nature of causality must not be interfered with.
The Librarian was no stranger to this feral and strange land, and it was with a sure foot that he led Methos through, only once changing course to avoid a group of dreaded clichés. Through communing with the books, the Librarian sought out a place that was likely to be either the location of the scythe or a place they could get some information. He grabbed Methos and pulled him back into normal space.
They exited into a brightly lit world, full of primary colours. The library they were in was small, a private collection, and it was clear from the architecture and the format of the books that this was the future. At the far end of the room was a decrepit old man in a lab coat and slippers.
*-*
“Good news everyone! The Grim Reaper and an orang-utan have come here to find a lost scythe. I told them we could help,” the old man proclaimed as he ushered Methos and the Librarian into another room. In the middle of this room was a round table and sat around it were two men, two women, one of whom had only one eye, a robot, and a creature that Methos could only think of as a giant lobster.
“Professor, I don’t see how we can help,” said the woman with one eye.
“Leela’s right, we’re doomed!” cried the lobster, which then emitted a blood-curdling scream and threw itself out the nearest window.
“Oh, but couldn’t we help? He’s quite cute,” pouted the other woman, who smiled coquettishly at Methos and waved. Methos took a nervous step backward.
“I don’t remember seeing any forms for this,” protested one man in a thick Jamaican accent before rifling through a pile of papers in front of him.
“Wait a minute, what’s in it for me?” asked the robot as he pulled a bottle of beer from inside his chest cavity and proceeded to drink it.
HOW ABOUT I LET YOU CONTINUE LIVING? Methos said coldly. The robot shrugged.
“Ah, living’s overrated.”
As this conversation was going on, the ginger haired man had walked over to where a bemused Methos and the Librarian stood watching[4]. The man bent over and patted the Librarian on the head.
“What a cute monkey!” he said. Methos groaned and covered his face with his hands, occasionally peeking out between his fingers at the carnage being wrought. Eventually the screams ended and Methos removed his hands to see the Librarian knuckling his way back to him, away from the pile of crumpled bodies in the middle of the room, which was currently groaning.
“That wasn’t very helpful,” Methos pointed out.
Ook, said the Librarian.
“You’re right, it probably wasn’t here anyway. I’d definitely remember coming here,” Methos conceded as the Librarian led him back to L-Space.
*-*
The next library they entered couldn’t have been more different. It was dark and dusty and old. Like the library at the Unseen University, the books here were magical and many were chained to the shelves to prevent escape.
Ook? whispered the Librarian. Methos shook his head.
“No, none of this seems familiar either,” Methos whispered back.
“You shouldn’t be here, this is the Restricted section,” said a voice behind them. The two travellers turned to find that the voice belonged to a young schoolgirl, maybe 12 or 13 years old, whose ginger hair was escaping from her ponytail in every direction.
“Er, sorry?” Methos offered.
“You aren’t teachers. How did you get in here?” the girl demanded, her hands on her hips. Methos was briefly reminded of Duncan and had to suppress a giggle.
Ook, said the Librarian.
“L-Space? How fascinating!” the girl exclaimed.
“I’m sure we’d love to get into a discussion of the nature of reality, books and power, but we’re in a bit of a rush. Have you seen a scythe lying around anywhere?” Methos said, already ushering the Librarian back the way they came. The girl was confused by the question.
“Er, no, sorry.”
“We’d best be off then,” Methos said, pointing to the stacks they had emerged from. As they passed the girl, Methos said, DON’T WORRY, WE WERE NEVER HERE.
Usually, a command like that with the Voice would mean that the young girl wouldn’t remember the encounter, but something must have been different about her because, as they re-entered L-Space, Methos heard her say,
“Harry! Ron! You’ll never guess who was just here!”
*-*
They searched exhaustively for the scythe, but couldn’t find it anywhere. Eventually, after a near miss with a stampede of hyperbole, the Librarian got bored and missed his Library, so he led Methos back to Unseen University. As they exited the stacks, Methos had an epiphany.
“I remember where I left it!” he said, delighted. He whistled, and after a brief moment Binky appeared. He mounted the horse and turned to the Librarian. “Thanks for the help,” he said, then faded out. As he vanished, the Librarian heard him add, “You were about as much use as a chocolate fireguard though.”
Methos rode Binky back to the Roundworld, and down to his own apartment. To his own shame and embarrassment, he realised that he had left the scythe propped up against his refrigerator when he stopped by to pick up some things[5]. He grabbed the scythe and then snapped his fingers. A lifetimer appeared in his hands. He turned to look at Binky.
“Don’t you ever tell anyone, okay?”
*-*
Methos strode down the battleship grey corridors, the ship disintegrating around him. Fire licked up the walls and across the ceiling, but he paid it no attention. He found the man he was looking for lying on the floor; a tall man with wire-brush hair and nostrils you could park an aircraft in. The man realised he was there and looked up at him.
ARNOLD JUDAS RIMMER. YOUR LIFE IS OVER. COME WITH ME[6].
[1] He had also made it clear that under no circumstances was Methos to refer to the Librarian as a monkey. Methos had thought it highly unlikely anyway as he had enough zoological smarts not to make that mistake, but he was now certain not to as he quite preferred his gonads where they were currently located.
[2] Whilst, under normal circumstances, Binky is able to go any where or when in the multiverse, he needs the rider to be exact in giving him his instructions. Unfortunately for Methos ‘go to the place I lost the scythe’ was a little too vague, even for Binky. Either that or Binky was being purposely obtuse to punish Methos for a little mix-up involving a bag of sugar and a bag of salt.
[3] L-space is a complicated concept, based upon the enormous power held within large numbers of books. For a detailed explanation read Guards! Guards! or the L-Space entry in Wiki. (Yes I know that footnote wasn’t funny, it was more of an A/N for the uninitiated. :p)
[4] Whilst certainly bemused, Methos was taking it all in his stride. Just lately he’d seen too much to be surprised by anything anymore.
[5] Binky had indeed been punishing Methos. He knew where it was all along. Albert also knew, but he thought it was funny.
[6] If you don’t know what happened next, watch the end of Red Dwarf 8.