application for Cersei Lannister (A Song of Ice and Fire)
A woman appears in the Sorting Room, dressed in a shapeless and grimy grey shift. The grime cannot conceal that she is exquisitely beautiful -- too beautiful for her own good, it could be said. She appears to be quite distraught.
She answers the application questions aloud, her voice shrill and strained, hoarse from overuse. Wherever she was before this, it was not a place she wanted to be, that much is clear. She seems not to know she is not still there.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Why on earth are you asking me about cheese? Idiots. Blathering at me about nonsense isn't going to get me to say anything that I haven't already said. And I don't have to tell you anything, you or your High Septon. My High Septon! I made that man!
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I don't have to kill anyone. My sweet brother will take care of whatever needs to be done.
3. What time is it where you are?
How should I know? You won't tell me. That damned Septa Unella was here less than an hour ago, I know that much, otherwise she'd be back here again, and I don't see her now, do I? You're her replacement, is that it? Do you expect me to thank you, for asking about cheese and time rather than the same old "are you ready to confess your sins"?
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
*a thin, contemptuous smile* Me? Sexually harass these men? I should think it would be the other way around, though I wouldn't think they would go so far as open harassment, not if they wanted to keep their heads and their bowels.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Assuming that I would stoop to tend a bar, its name should be The Lion. That is the emblem of House Lannister and I am a Lannister born. *bitterly* Robert Baratheon may have had my hand in marriage and whatever else he could force, but a Lannister of Casterly Rock I am and will always remain. If there is a bar here to be tended, why have you given me no drink? Not that swill you call water. I need wine.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
That's a simple enough thing to answer. Harry's sister, if he has one, will find a way for him to avoid marriage so that they can stay together. Or else, if he has no sister who loves him enough to help him in this way, Harry will wed whomever his father commands him to marry. Still the heart cannot be commanded in this way.
Of course, if Harry were my son, none of these questions would even be asked. He would marry for the sake of the crown, and like it well enough. Such a match would have its compensations for him, I am sure.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
*shrugs* You're too stupid to find yourself a good and efficient maester. How should I be bothered with such things? Send a raven to the Citadel and ask for someone literate, since clearly you yourself are not.
If I must answer the question as though it were serious and there were any point in doing so: It is possible for someone troubled with documents of state to be ill served if their allies foist upon them an inept councillor. You have to take your allies in hand, otherwise what use are they?
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
I refuse to answer this question. No true Lannister could ever be called useless. Obviously I do not speak of the false dwarf.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
If you'd show some sense and let me out of here, I could give you lands, money, a title, anything you want in all of Westeros. Since you will not, what can I possibly offer? A shred of the first shift you gave me? My blanket? I can give you a copy of The Seven-Pointed Star, as if you sparrows hadn't enough copies of the thing already.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. CL
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. CL.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch I demand a new pair of knickers. CL.
One day, I my son Tommen marmalade, if you insist, will rule the world. CL"
(( All the Song of Ice and Fire muns have given their consent to this horrible, horrible application. ))
(( ETA: as of this point in the Sorting, Cersei has been cleaned up and is well-dressed. Also, many Song of Ice and Fire spoilers are now present in the comments. If you want to avoid spoilers, you may want to avoid especially any of the threads involving jaime_lackhand, ugly_imp, or maid_brienne. ))
She answers the application questions aloud, her voice shrill and strained, hoarse from overuse. Wherever she was before this, it was not a place she wanted to be, that much is clear. She seems not to know she is not still there.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Why on earth are you asking me about cheese? Idiots. Blathering at me about nonsense isn't going to get me to say anything that I haven't already said. And I don't have to tell you anything, you or your High Septon. My High Septon! I made that man!
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
I don't have to kill anyone. My sweet brother will take care of whatever needs to be done.
3. What time is it where you are?
How should I know? You won't tell me. That damned Septa Unella was here less than an hour ago, I know that much, otherwise she'd be back here again, and I don't see her now, do I? You're her replacement, is that it? Do you expect me to thank you, for asking about cheese and time rather than the same old "are you ready to confess your sins"?
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
*a thin, contemptuous smile* Me? Sexually harass these men? I should think it would be the other way around, though I wouldn't think they would go so far as open harassment, not if they wanted to keep their heads and their bowels.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
Assuming that I would stoop to tend a bar, its name should be The Lion. That is the emblem of House Lannister and I am a Lannister born. *bitterly* Robert Baratheon may have had my hand in marriage and whatever else he could force, but a Lannister of Casterly Rock I am and will always remain. If there is a bar here to be tended, why have you given me no drink? Not that swill you call water. I need wine.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
That's a simple enough thing to answer. Harry's sister, if he has one, will find a way for him to avoid marriage so that they can stay together. Or else, if he has no sister who loves him enough to help him in this way, Harry will wed whomever his father commands him to marry. Still the heart cannot be commanded in this way.
Of course, if Harry were my son, none of these questions would even be asked. He would marry for the sake of the crown, and like it well enough. Such a match would have its compensations for him, I am sure.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
*shrugs* You're too stupid to find yourself a good and efficient maester. How should I be bothered with such things? Send a raven to the Citadel and ask for someone literate, since clearly you yourself are not.
If I must answer the question as though it were serious and there were any point in doing so: It is possible for someone troubled with documents of state to be ill served if their allies foist upon them an inept councillor. You have to take your allies in hand, otherwise what use are they?
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
I refuse to answer this question. No true Lannister could ever be called useless. Obviously I do not speak of the false dwarf.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
If you'd show some sense and let me out of here, I could give you lands, money, a title, anything you want in all of Westeros. Since you will not, what can I possibly offer? A shred of the first shift you gave me? My blanket? I can give you a copy of The Seven-Pointed Star, as if you sparrows hadn't enough copies of the thing already.
"I have read the hogwarts_hocus faq, and understand it is a crazy, cracktastic sorting community and RPG. CL
I have read the hogwarts_hocus rules and agree to abide by each and every one of them. CL.
I agree to be a good sport and not get my knickers in a bunch I demand a new pair of knickers. CL.
One day, I my son Tommen marmalade, if you insist, will rule the world. CL"
(( All the Song of Ice and Fire muns have given their consent to this horrible, horrible application. ))
(( ETA: as of this point in the Sorting, Cersei has been cleaned up and is well-dressed. Also, many Song of Ice and Fire spoilers are now present in the comments. If you want to avoid spoilers, you may want to avoid especially any of the threads involving jaime_lackhand, ugly_imp, or maid_brienne. ))