Application for Michael Scott, The Office (American version)
((I'm doing this as an oral application, because Michael talking is far more interesting and nuanced than what he would write. Also, neither Pam nor Dwight is here to write it for him, and somehow I doubt Michael would want to fill out a form on his own!
The links in Michael's application are to Wikipedia entries on various characters and incidents in The Office. Note that after an initial blurb, the links contain spoilers for the first two seasons of the show (and there is a spoiler warning at that point - Wikipedia's good about that). So if you don't want to be spoiled, then click and read with care.))
*looks around, twisting rapidly from side to side, furrowing his brow*
Oooo~kay, this is not how Chili's looked last time we came here for the Dundies. Bu~uut I like it. I do. Stone walls, kind of gloomy. There's definitely good comedy potential here. Comedy, jokes....
*suddenly claps his hands, leans back, and grins widely*
Okay, okay, I've got a good one. You're gonna love it, aaaa~nd it's not at all sexually harassing, racist, or inappropriate, because Michael Scott~~~ is not any of those things. He's just a funny guy, and - okay, wait, here it is, judge for yourself.
So, three prostitutes are standing around on a street corner in Rio. *puts hands up as if in innocent protest* Hey, prostitution i~is a job, okay? It is not sexual harassment to talk about prostitutes, because they are real people in the real world, just real girls, with real breasts - or maybe not-so-real breasts - trying to make a living...make love...make love for a living.... Now, if I called your mother a whore, that might be sexual harassment...unless your mother really is a whore, because then it would be true...and the tru~uth...makes you free.
*pause*
Except not your mother. Because she charges money for it.
*long, awkward silence; Michael looks around, nodding slightly, waiting for a reaction*
Righty right. Righto. So...I'll just do this applicaton while I wait for the others to arrive, because I'm a leader, and leader~~s do things first...unless their secretaries are there to do those things for them, because tha~at's...what secretaries do. Except Pam is my receptionist, which means...pretty much the same thing...except that she gets paid less for it.
*awkward silence*
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
So~ooo...my favorite cheese. Simple answer. American. American cheese. Because I~...am a patriot. I am. I love my country. I'd die for my country.
...Well, no, I wouldn't do that, because if I di~e, then I couldn't be there for the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin. And they depend on me. Michael Scott. Mi~chael Scott. Because we~~...are a family. We are. We are a family. And I'm the head of that family, and if I tell everyone to eat American cheese, they'll do it. No~ot a command. Nope - I don't command the people in my ranks. I just tell them what to do...and they obey. They just do...obey...American cheese....
*trails off - another awkward silence*
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Oh! Easy one. Barney. Hands down. I mean, guhhhh, Carrottop - he's a classic. He is a king~ of comedy. He's not the best, though. I mean, not to toot my own horn - TOOT TOOT *laughs loudly* - but if we had to do a joke contest, like...a jokeoff, see who can be the funniest in the shortest amount of time, I would win. Yep, I would win. And no~t because he's not talented, but because I've been at it, at the comedy, for a MUCH longer amount of time. I was funny from the moment I popped out of my mother's va-...oh - nope, nope, can't say that word...because it's not *does air quotes* appropriate to use in the office. That's what they say. Corporate. They say it's not appropriate, just like it's not appropriate to send around e-mail forwards with jokes or naked people in them, things like that. NOT appropriate.
*looks as if he wants to protest, and there's another awkward silence, which he breaks by laughing suddenly*
Barney! *laughs some more* Barney is just stupid. He is. I mean, a talking purple dinosaur? Who sings about brushing your teeth, and safety, and *sings in a mock, nasal, obnoxious voice* "I love you, you love me, we all love each other," nyahnyahnyah. Blehhhhh. NOT funny. He's a total downer, and he's got to go. Barney, you're fired. *Donald Trump style* You're fie-uhd. FIE-uhd. Except I wouldn't have hired him in the first place, because he~~~ is a purple dinosaur. Look, I run an open-minded office, accepting of all shapes, sizes, and colors. I mean, look at Kevin. He's fat. Or, wait, no, NOT fat. He's challenged around the waistline. And Oscar, he's Mexican. Nothing wrong with that. I love the Mexicans. I eat at Taco Bell several times a week. And Pam, she's a girl, a woman...female. No~ooot the best-looking one, but not bad either. I mean, she's no Phyllis. Ah! Now, Phy~llis is fat a~and a woman. And old. And she's still part of the Dunder Mifflin family.
Bu~ut, you've got to draw the line somewhere. And I draw that line at purple dinosaurs.
*awkward silence*
3. What time is it where you are?
*answers quickly, without hesitation* Time to get a watch! Oh, no, wait, that one's old. Bu~ut it's also a classic, a true comedic milestone, right? *laughs loudly* So~ooo...the time is...is...not of the essence, because at Dunder Mifflin, we don't need to worry about time. We don't come in and think, "Oh, what time is it? How much longer until lunch? How many more minutes until I can go home?" We don't think like that because we don't just work. We also have fun.
*another pause, awkward again*
*clears his throat*
It's 2:27.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Come on. Come ON. That's just - it's ridiculous. Wrong and ridiculous. I've got a zero-tolerance policy on harassment, because harassment is wrong. I would never sexually harass anybody, not even Pam.
Bu~ut, it's not sexual harassment if I say that Tonks has better breasts than Pam does. Tha~at is just an observation. It's not a come-on. I'm not trying to pick her up. Pure facts, plain and simple. A~and it shows I'm open minded, because Tonks has pink hair, and that's okay. NO discrimination based on hair color. No hairism in my workplace, no sir. Or ma'am. *raises both hands and points out in front of himself* Equal opportunity, and justice for all. Even if her pubic hair is pink, she can still work at Dunder Mifflin, because I run an equal opportunity branch with no~o sexual harassment.
God, man, I can't believe you asked that question. *shakes head and pinches his lips together*
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
A bar. Of course, it's got to have an attractive name, a funny name...a name that says, "Come and drink here, because the people are friendly and fun and the drinks aren't half-bad." Let's see...Bar...Barbie...Barbie's Bar!
No, no, that's stupid. Ummmm...Bar-illiant...no...Dammit. Come on, come on. *snaps fingers repeatedly* It'll come...just got to think for a moment....focus...focus....
OH! I've got it! Chili's! It's a great restaurant, the place to be.... It's an ideal location for awards ceremonies. So~oo I would name the bar Chili's. But I personally wouldn't bartend, because I've got a family over at Dunder Mifflin to look after, and you couldn't do anything to get me to abandon them. *looks around* I'm sure they'll be arriving anytime now, anyime....
*awkward silence*
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Aha! Bet you thought you'd trip me up on this one. What you did not know is that I'm a friend of the gays. NOT a gay myself, don't like the men...the boys.... NOT a homosexual or a bisexual, or even a metrosexual. BU~UUT I do not discriminate against the gays. In fact, I live in a gay-friendly neighborhood, how about that? A~and if I were gay, I would definitely be interested in the temp. Ryan the temp. And I'm completely comfortable admitting that because I am completely comfortable with my sexuality.
So~ooo Harry...should...not feel discriminated against or marginalized because he prefers boners to beavers. And when choosing which man he wants to be with, he should consider, um...which man has the better apartment, has a good job, good morals...no criminal record... *nods* ...and the one who's the hottest. Because even gays are entitled to good sex.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Pam! Tha~at is Pam's responsibility, and if your desk is a mess, you can only blame her. She~~ is too busy fooling around, not paying attention...flirting... *lowers voice* ...with Jim... *raises voice* ...which is far better than Dwight, because BLEHHH! *exaggeratedly shudders* Dwight....
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
*sputters* Useless?! I'm the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin's Scranton branch! I'm the glue that holds the office together! I'm the go-to guy for moral support, for inspiration, for morality, for comedy! I'm the one who fought for my office to keep it from being downsized!
Without me, there'd be no Dunder Mifflin. Or...there'd be Dunder Mifflin, but...I wouldn't be working there.
*awkward silence*
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you.
Oh, no, no, no. Bribery? Bribery is wrong! I'd never bribe anyone.
...But, well...I could make up a Dundie category just for you and give you a trophy. Unfortunately, we're out of executive trophies, so I'd have to give you one with a guy bowling on it.
Or I could send you a funny e-mail forward, with a joke in it, or a funny picture, like of a monkey picking his butt or something. Those are always great. *starts chuckling*
If that's not good enough, well...don't tell Jan Levinson-Gould, but I could offer you a position at Dunder Mifflin. I mean...we're supposed to be downsizing, but...ehhhhhhhh, don't worry about Corporate. Bunch of stiffs working out of New York. I'm sure I can find a good position for you, and I don't mean one where you're all naked and lying out on a bed or anything like that.
The links in Michael's application are to Wikipedia entries on various characters and incidents in The Office. Note that after an initial blurb, the links contain spoilers for the first two seasons of the show (and there is a spoiler warning at that point - Wikipedia's good about that). So if you don't want to be spoiled, then click and read with care.))
*looks around, twisting rapidly from side to side, furrowing his brow*
Oooo~kay, this is not how Chili's looked last time we came here for the Dundies. Bu~uut I like it. I do. Stone walls, kind of gloomy. There's definitely good comedy potential here. Comedy, jokes....
*suddenly claps his hands, leans back, and grins widely*
Okay, okay, I've got a good one. You're gonna love it, aaaa~nd it's not at all sexually harassing, racist, or inappropriate, because Michael Scott~~~ is not any of those things. He's just a funny guy, and - okay, wait, here it is, judge for yourself.
So, three prostitutes are standing around on a street corner in Rio. *puts hands up as if in innocent protest* Hey, prostitution i~is a job, okay? It is not sexual harassment to talk about prostitutes, because they are real people in the real world, just real girls, with real breasts - or maybe not-so-real breasts - trying to make a living...make love...make love for a living.... Now, if I called your mother a whore, that might be sexual harassment...unless your mother really is a whore, because then it would be true...and the tru~uth...makes you free.
*pause*
Except not your mother. Because she charges money for it.
*long, awkward silence; Michael looks around, nodding slightly, waiting for a reaction*
Righty right. Righto. So...I'll just do this applicaton while I wait for the others to arrive, because I'm a leader, and leader~~s do things first...unless their secretaries are there to do those things for them, because tha~at's...what secretaries do. Except Pam is my receptionist, which means...pretty much the same thing...except that she gets paid less for it.
*awkward silence*
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
So~ooo...my favorite cheese. Simple answer. American. American cheese. Because I~...am a patriot. I am. I love my country. I'd die for my country.
...Well, no, I wouldn't do that, because if I di~e, then I couldn't be there for the Scranton branch of Dunder Mifflin. And they depend on me. Michael Scott. Mi~chael Scott. Because we~~...are a family. We are. We are a family. And I'm the head of that family, and if I tell everyone to eat American cheese, they'll do it. No~ot a command. Nope - I don't command the people in my ranks. I just tell them what to do...and they obey. They just do...obey...American cheese....
*trails off - another awkward silence*
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Oh! Easy one. Barney. Hands down. I mean, guhhhh, Carrottop - he's a classic. He is a king~ of comedy. He's not the best, though. I mean, not to toot my own horn - TOOT TOOT *laughs loudly* - but if we had to do a joke contest, like...a jokeoff, see who can be the funniest in the shortest amount of time, I would win. Yep, I would win. And no~t because he's not talented, but because I've been at it, at the comedy, for a MUCH longer amount of time. I was funny from the moment I popped out of my mother's va-...oh - nope, nope, can't say that word...because it's not *does air quotes* appropriate to use in the office. That's what they say. Corporate. They say it's not appropriate, just like it's not appropriate to send around e-mail forwards with jokes or naked people in them, things like that. NOT appropriate.
*looks as if he wants to protest, and there's another awkward silence, which he breaks by laughing suddenly*
Barney! *laughs some more* Barney is just stupid. He is. I mean, a talking purple dinosaur? Who sings about brushing your teeth, and safety, and *sings in a mock, nasal, obnoxious voice* "I love you, you love me, we all love each other," nyahnyahnyah. Blehhhhh. NOT funny. He's a total downer, and he's got to go. Barney, you're fired. *Donald Trump style* You're fie-uhd. FIE-uhd. Except I wouldn't have hired him in the first place, because he~~~ is a purple dinosaur. Look, I run an open-minded office, accepting of all shapes, sizes, and colors. I mean, look at Kevin. He's fat. Or, wait, no, NOT fat. He's challenged around the waistline. And Oscar, he's Mexican. Nothing wrong with that. I love the Mexicans. I eat at Taco Bell several times a week. And Pam, she's a girl, a woman...female. No~ooot the best-looking one, but not bad either. I mean, she's no Phyllis. Ah! Now, Phy~llis is fat a~and a woman. And old. And she's still part of the Dunder Mifflin family.
Bu~ut, you've got to draw the line somewhere. And I draw that line at purple dinosaurs.
*awkward silence*
3. What time is it where you are?
*answers quickly, without hesitation* Time to get a watch! Oh, no, wait, that one's old. Bu~ut it's also a classic, a true comedic milestone, right? *laughs loudly* So~ooo...the time is...is...not of the essence, because at Dunder Mifflin, we don't need to worry about time. We don't come in and think, "Oh, what time is it? How much longer until lunch? How many more minutes until I can go home?" We don't think like that because we don't just work. We also have fun.
*another pause, awkward again*
*clears his throat*
It's 2:27.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
Come on. Come ON. That's just - it's ridiculous. Wrong and ridiculous. I've got a zero-tolerance policy on harassment, because harassment is wrong. I would never sexually harass anybody, not even Pam.
Bu~ut, it's not sexual harassment if I say that Tonks has better breasts than Pam does. Tha~at is just an observation. It's not a come-on. I'm not trying to pick her up. Pure facts, plain and simple. A~and it shows I'm open minded, because Tonks has pink hair, and that's okay. NO discrimination based on hair color. No hairism in my workplace, no sir. Or ma'am. *raises both hands and points out in front of himself* Equal opportunity, and justice for all. Even if her pubic hair is pink, she can still work at Dunder Mifflin, because I run an equal opportunity branch with no~o sexual harassment.
God, man, I can't believe you asked that question. *shakes head and pinches his lips together*
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
A bar. Of course, it's got to have an attractive name, a funny name...a name that says, "Come and drink here, because the people are friendly and fun and the drinks aren't half-bad." Let's see...Bar...Barbie...Barbie's Bar!
No, no, that's stupid. Ummmm...Bar-illiant...no...Dammit. Come on, come on. *snaps fingers repeatedly* It'll come...just got to think for a moment....focus...focus....
OH! I've got it! Chili's! It's a great restaurant, the place to be.... It's an ideal location for awards ceremonies. So~oo I would name the bar Chili's. But I personally wouldn't bartend, because I've got a family over at Dunder Mifflin to look after, and you couldn't do anything to get me to abandon them. *looks around* I'm sure they'll be arriving anytime now, anyime....
*awkward silence*
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Aha! Bet you thought you'd trip me up on this one. What you did not know is that I'm a friend of the gays. NOT a gay myself, don't like the men...the boys.... NOT a homosexual or a bisexual, or even a metrosexual. BU~UUT I do not discriminate against the gays. In fact, I live in a gay-friendly neighborhood, how about that? A~and if I were gay, I would definitely be interested in the temp. Ryan the temp. And I'm completely comfortable admitting that because I am completely comfortable with my sexuality.
So~ooo Harry...should...not feel discriminated against or marginalized because he prefers boners to beavers. And when choosing which man he wants to be with, he should consider, um...which man has the better apartment, has a good job, good morals...no criminal record... *nods* ...and the one who's the hottest. Because even gays are entitled to good sex.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I’m constantly disposing of it.
Pam! Tha~at is Pam's responsibility, and if your desk is a mess, you can only blame her. She~~ is too busy fooling around, not paying attention...flirting... *lowers voice* ...with Jim... *raises voice* ...which is far better than Dwight, because BLEHHH! *exaggeratedly shudders* Dwight....
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
*sputters* Useless?! I'm the regional manager of Dunder Mifflin's Scranton branch! I'm the glue that holds the office together! I'm the go-to guy for moral support, for inspiration, for morality, for comedy! I'm the one who fought for my office to keep it from being downsized!
Without me, there'd be no Dunder Mifflin. Or...there'd be Dunder Mifflin, but...I wouldn't be working there.
*awkward silence*
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you.
Oh, no, no, no. Bribery? Bribery is wrong! I'd never bribe anyone.
...But, well...I could make up a Dundie category just for you and give you a trophy. Unfortunately, we're out of executive trophies, so I'd have to give you one with a guy bowling on it.
Or I could send you a funny e-mail forward, with a joke in it, or a funny picture, like of a monkey picking his butt or something. Those are always great. *starts chuckling*
If that's not good enough, well...don't tell Jan Levinson-Gould, but I could offer you a position at Dunder Mifflin. I mean...we're supposed to be downsizing, but...ehhhhhhhh, don't worry about Corporate. Bunch of stiffs working out of New York. I'm sure I can find a good position for you, and I don't mean one where you're all naked and lying out on a bed or anything like that.