Firefly Ficlet Series: Our Mrs. Cobb
Title: Our Mrs Cobb
Fandom: Firefly
Disclaimer: I do not own.
Characters/Pairings: Our beloved crew. Jayne/River
Rating: PG-13
Notes: 1)So, because I'm starting to run out of ideas for my birthday month challenge, I'm going to cheat and split up this one story into several shorter sniplets. Expect the next two parts up later today. 2) This is basically my long-winded attempt to make sure that Wash survives the events of the BDM. 3) I wrote this during a break from the very serious Chapter Nine of Giselle, so expect lots of silliness.
Summary: Rules for survival after a crazy girl tricks you into marriage while you were drunk.
Dedication: For Ophelia_winters. Thanks for giving me an excuse to write this. ;D
How to Deal after Waking up to Find a Psycho Chick in Your Bed
In fairness to Jayne, it wasn't his fault. The wine was extremely potent and even Mal ended up with a wife.
Except his wasn't the resident crazy girl.
Jayne did what any man in his position would have done after waking up to find a psycho in his bed, cuddled up against his side. First, he got the girlish scream out of his system, and then, he tried to trade up.
“Jayne?” Mal actually looked scared of his employee for once, which was nice, considering how most of the time the crew of Serenity considered Jayne a joke even though he’d killed a large number of people for them and kept threatening to sell them out to the next highest bidder (not that he would, ‘cause he kinda liked them most days, but they didn’t know that).
“Her name’s River Tam an’ she’s crazy,” Jayne paused as he now tried to think of her good points, which proved to be really hard. As he thought, his new wife continued to dangle in front of Mal, the neck of her nightgown held tightly in Jayne’s fist.
“She can knit? Cook? Fabricate fantastic bedtime stories about boy wizards? Brush her hair? Play jacks?” River numbered the items off on her fingers.
Jayne perked up. Perhaps he might keep her after all. “You can do all that?”
“…She can play Jacks,” River offered sheepishly.
Jayne narrowed his eyes. Best to get rid of her as soon as possible.
“Um, Jayne? Perhaps you should put her down?” Mal asked, pointing at River, whose feet were dangling a foot over the floor.
“Does that mean you’ll trade?”
In some weird, twisty, crazy move, the girl kicked Jayne in the groin. “Marriage vows shall not be ignored!” The girl proclaimed as Jayne sunk to the floor, gasping in pain.
Mal shook his head frantically, raising his hands and backing away slowly. “I’m good. Real good.”
Jayne made sure to rub it in Mal’s face later when his wife turned out to be a lying, thieving whore.
~*~
Before Mal’s wife was revealed to be a lying, no-good, two-faced whore, Shepherd Book decided to lecture Jayne about the special hell at the dinner table, which was really unfair because everyone else was there too.
“… reserved for child molesters and people who talk in theatre,” finished Book, who’d been eyeing Jayne the whole time like he was about to jump the girl and sex her right during dinner. Considering the fact that Jayne thought that Book was his friend, it was rather hurtful.
“Ow!” Book winced and reached down to rub his shin. He looked across the table to meet River Cobb’s glare.
“Being mean,” River Cobb growled before wrapping her arms around her new husband’s arm.
“Mei mei,” Jayne’s new brother-in-law started in on his own lecture, “we are not to kick other people just because they accept this terrible mistake you made at the height of your insanity as legally binding and refuse to annual it even though it's a huge mistake and couldn't possible be any worse-"
"Jerry Lee Lewis." River piped up.
Simon paused. "Well, I suppose it could be worse."
River giggled and hugged Jayne's arm tighter. Simon got that funny look he always had whenever River started acting less like a science experiment gone wrong and more like a normal girl (albeit one completely off her rocker).
Jayne had never claimed to be smart. Plus he was pissed and a guy couldn’t be expected to act smart when he woke up with a hangover, no memory of the night before, and married to a crazy girl for a wife who he couldn’t sex unless he wanted to take a walk out the airlock.
“What about sneaks who trick an honest man into marriage? What level of hell do they go to?” He demanded of Book.
Book opened and closed his mouth several times, clearly having not considered that side of the story.
River’s lip quivered. “The girl is beginning to doubt your love for her. And after he said such nice things on their wedding day.”
Jayne had never before hated the fact that he was a cuddly drunk as he did now. “I was drunk!”
River sighed. “Which was why man and wife were unable to consummate their union on the marriage bed.”
“Would you stop talkin’ so dirty?!” Jayne demanded as everyone else at the table made faces.
“Husband should lower his voice in front of the children.” She leaned back in her chair and patted her stomach. As one, the crew’s eyes zeroed in on her rounded belly.
“She’s a witch!” Jayne screeched.
“No way to speak to his wife. Will tell his mother.” River said, darkly, her hand continuing to caress her stomach.
Considering the fact that his ma would tie him to the stake herself for marrying a witch, Jayne didn’t think he had that much to worry about in the scheme of things.
“Relax Jayne,” Wash said, “it’s just a pillow.” He paused and squinted at River’s belly. “I think.”
“And that's better, how?”
Wash grinned. “At least it won’t talk back when it gets older.” He turned to Zoë. “Why can’t we have a pillow?”
River suddenly beamed. "Ooohh. It is our child, husband,” she reached out for his hand, "it kicked! Come, feel the fruit of your loins."
There was a very, very long pause, during which the occupants of Serenity's dinner table shifted their eyes from River to Jayne and back again several times as they waited for Jayne's next move.
Jayne smoothly brushed aside various plates and utensils from his place. He then proceeded to slam his head against the table in an attempt to brain himself.
And he would have succeeded too, if it hadn't been for that meddling crew, who weren't going to let the best entertainment since Mal went and got himself hitched commit suicide.
~*~
Jayne woke up from the smoother Simon had injected him with in the spirit of saving his sister's husband from breaking her heart and making her a widow (which Simon was positive would not have a very good affect on her fragile psyche) to find himself seated beside Wash in the co-pilot's seat. River cuddled up against his chest, chattering away to nobody about her plans to redecorate his bunk and use Mal's bunk for the nursery.
"Glad to see you back with the living." Wash reached over and patted Jayne on the back before returning to his minute inspection of his dinosaurs using a large magnifying glass. "Pretty amazing what you did there to get us through the Net."
Jayne frowned. Say what?
River paused in her rambling to pat Jayne on the head. "He was very brave."
Jayne weakly swatted her hand away.
“Bet you’re feelin’ a whole lot better now that you didn’t end up with that bitch.” It said a lot about how much Wash hated Mal’s wife if he could refer to her in such terms. Wash was one of those guys who believed in being polite to women even when they were major bitches like Mrs. Reynolds.
Jayne didn’t say anything as he was still doped up on drugs and thus, immensely confused, but that was okay because Wash understood that Jayne was just very shy about his newfound feelings toward his lovely little wife. As he continued to fly Serenity through the stars (with frequent breaks to look after his babies), Wash realized that he would have to take Jayne under his wing and teach him the husbanding ways.
He would use the dinosaurs.
Which reminded him. If the bitch had touched the slightest hair on his dinosaurs, he was going to sic Zoë on her.
~*~
It should be noted that when Jayne finally awoke from his drug haze, he felt immensely relieved that he hadn't tried to trade the crazy girl for the lying, two-faced whore.
And to think - he'd been thinking on throwing Vera in to sweeten the deal.
Shindig>>
Fandom: Firefly
Disclaimer: I do not own.
Characters/Pairings: Our beloved crew. Jayne/River
Rating: PG-13
Notes: 1)So, because I'm starting to run out of ideas for my birthday month challenge, I'm going to cheat and split up this one story into several shorter sniplets. Expect the next two parts up later today. 2) This is basically my long-winded attempt to make sure that Wash survives the events of the BDM. 3) I wrote this during a break from the very serious Chapter Nine of Giselle, so expect lots of silliness.
Summary: Rules for survival after a crazy girl tricks you into marriage while you were drunk.
Dedication: For Ophelia_winters. Thanks for giving me an excuse to write this. ;D
How to Deal after Waking up to Find a Psycho Chick in Your Bed
In fairness to Jayne, it wasn't his fault. The wine was extremely potent and even Mal ended up with a wife.
Except his wasn't the resident crazy girl.
Jayne did what any man in his position would have done after waking up to find a psycho in his bed, cuddled up against his side. First, he got the girlish scream out of his system, and then, he tried to trade up.
“Jayne?” Mal actually looked scared of his employee for once, which was nice, considering how most of the time the crew of Serenity considered Jayne a joke even though he’d killed a large number of people for them and kept threatening to sell them out to the next highest bidder (not that he would, ‘cause he kinda liked them most days, but they didn’t know that).
“Her name’s River Tam an’ she’s crazy,” Jayne paused as he now tried to think of her good points, which proved to be really hard. As he thought, his new wife continued to dangle in front of Mal, the neck of her nightgown held tightly in Jayne’s fist.
“She can knit? Cook? Fabricate fantastic bedtime stories about boy wizards? Brush her hair? Play jacks?” River numbered the items off on her fingers.
Jayne perked up. Perhaps he might keep her after all. “You can do all that?”
“…She can play Jacks,” River offered sheepishly.
Jayne narrowed his eyes. Best to get rid of her as soon as possible.
“Um, Jayne? Perhaps you should put her down?” Mal asked, pointing at River, whose feet were dangling a foot over the floor.
“Does that mean you’ll trade?”
In some weird, twisty, crazy move, the girl kicked Jayne in the groin. “Marriage vows shall not be ignored!” The girl proclaimed as Jayne sunk to the floor, gasping in pain.
Mal shook his head frantically, raising his hands and backing away slowly. “I’m good. Real good.”
Jayne made sure to rub it in Mal’s face later when his wife turned out to be a lying, thieving whore.
~*~
Before Mal’s wife was revealed to be a lying, no-good, two-faced whore, Shepherd Book decided to lecture Jayne about the special hell at the dinner table, which was really unfair because everyone else was there too.
“… reserved for child molesters and people who talk in theatre,” finished Book, who’d been eyeing Jayne the whole time like he was about to jump the girl and sex her right during dinner. Considering the fact that Jayne thought that Book was his friend, it was rather hurtful.
“Ow!” Book winced and reached down to rub his shin. He looked across the table to meet River Cobb’s glare.
“Being mean,” River Cobb growled before wrapping her arms around her new husband’s arm.
“Mei mei,” Jayne’s new brother-in-law started in on his own lecture, “we are not to kick other people just because they accept this terrible mistake you made at the height of your insanity as legally binding and refuse to annual it even though it's a huge mistake and couldn't possible be any worse-"
"Jerry Lee Lewis." River piped up.
Simon paused. "Well, I suppose it could be worse."
River giggled and hugged Jayne's arm tighter. Simon got that funny look he always had whenever River started acting less like a science experiment gone wrong and more like a normal girl (albeit one completely off her rocker).
Jayne had never claimed to be smart. Plus he was pissed and a guy couldn’t be expected to act smart when he woke up with a hangover, no memory of the night before, and married to a crazy girl for a wife who he couldn’t sex unless he wanted to take a walk out the airlock.
“What about sneaks who trick an honest man into marriage? What level of hell do they go to?” He demanded of Book.
Book opened and closed his mouth several times, clearly having not considered that side of the story.
River’s lip quivered. “The girl is beginning to doubt your love for her. And after he said such nice things on their wedding day.”
Jayne had never before hated the fact that he was a cuddly drunk as he did now. “I was drunk!”
River sighed. “Which was why man and wife were unable to consummate their union on the marriage bed.”
“Would you stop talkin’ so dirty?!” Jayne demanded as everyone else at the table made faces.
“Husband should lower his voice in front of the children.” She leaned back in her chair and patted her stomach. As one, the crew’s eyes zeroed in on her rounded belly.
“She’s a witch!” Jayne screeched.
“No way to speak to his wife. Will tell his mother.” River said, darkly, her hand continuing to caress her stomach.
Considering the fact that his ma would tie him to the stake herself for marrying a witch, Jayne didn’t think he had that much to worry about in the scheme of things.
“Relax Jayne,” Wash said, “it’s just a pillow.” He paused and squinted at River’s belly. “I think.”
“And that's better, how?”
Wash grinned. “At least it won’t talk back when it gets older.” He turned to Zoë. “Why can’t we have a pillow?”
River suddenly beamed. "Ooohh. It is our child, husband,” she reached out for his hand, "it kicked! Come, feel the fruit of your loins."
There was a very, very long pause, during which the occupants of Serenity's dinner table shifted their eyes from River to Jayne and back again several times as they waited for Jayne's next move.
Jayne smoothly brushed aside various plates and utensils from his place. He then proceeded to slam his head against the table in an attempt to brain himself.
And he would have succeeded too, if it hadn't been for that meddling crew, who weren't going to let the best entertainment since Mal went and got himself hitched commit suicide.
~*~
Jayne woke up from the smoother Simon had injected him with in the spirit of saving his sister's husband from breaking her heart and making her a widow (which Simon was positive would not have a very good affect on her fragile psyche) to find himself seated beside Wash in the co-pilot's seat. River cuddled up against his chest, chattering away to nobody about her plans to redecorate his bunk and use Mal's bunk for the nursery.
"Glad to see you back with the living." Wash reached over and patted Jayne on the back before returning to his minute inspection of his dinosaurs using a large magnifying glass. "Pretty amazing what you did there to get us through the Net."
Jayne frowned. Say what?
River paused in her rambling to pat Jayne on the head. "He was very brave."
Jayne weakly swatted her hand away.
“Bet you’re feelin’ a whole lot better now that you didn’t end up with that bitch.” It said a lot about how much Wash hated Mal’s wife if he could refer to her in such terms. Wash was one of those guys who believed in being polite to women even when they were major bitches like Mrs. Reynolds.
Jayne didn’t say anything as he was still doped up on drugs and thus, immensely confused, but that was okay because Wash understood that Jayne was just very shy about his newfound feelings toward his lovely little wife. As he continued to fly Serenity through the stars (with frequent breaks to look after his babies), Wash realized that he would have to take Jayne under his wing and teach him the husbanding ways.
He would use the dinosaurs.
Which reminded him. If the bitch had touched the slightest hair on his dinosaurs, he was going to sic Zoë on her.
~*~
It should be noted that when Jayne finally awoke from his drug haze, he felt immensely relieved that he hadn't tried to trade the crazy girl for the lying, two-faced whore.
And to think - he'd been thinking on throwing Vera in to sweeten the deal.
Shindig>>