I finally watched Maid. I knew it was going to be triggering. I went through a whole box of tissues, I was crying so much. It was painful to see it on tv. It was painful to see someone else going through it, even though it was fictional characters. It was painful to ssee all of the ways in which her struggle was easier and harder than mine. ( Read more... )

Every time I feel like I want to go to a skate meetup, I see the photo of that meetup and it's everyone just bunched together for a group photo and not a single person is masked up. I know that everyone is tired of doing this, they're tired of caring. I get it. But I've gone this long without getting covid, I don't want it! I don't want to catch ( Read more... )

I went back to the rink yesterday. I'm faceblind, so I can't tell because I cannot recognize anyone, but I'm pretty sure that the lady who accosted me last time was there. Didn't say anything to me or anything which was good. But it sucked that I had to be worried about that for the entire drive up there. Anxiety sucks.

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Oh yeah, I heard from my dad. After months and months of randomly googling his name plus the word "obit", and he finally reaches out. He has a FB with a profile picture with his shirt open on a dirty couch, he gave me his phone number and said I should call. When I did he didn't pick up but texted me back the next day saying "we should talk ( Read more... )

I need to write about what happened to me so I don't forget it later. I have been losing big chunks of memory and I hate it ( Read more... )

I have backslid in my recovery. I feel like I am where I was in 2018, when Chad died. I can't explain how or why or what I'm doing differently. I just know that I am terrified of the anger that is waiting for me in my next phase of recovering. I know it's there. It feels like an inferno wall that is closing in on me. I am feeling so angry about ( Read more... )

Somehow I am always shocked to hear that the black sand beach in Hawaii doesn't exist anymore. I was there when I was 4 years old, barely old enough to even remember. I remember the bikini my mom wore, I remember that she didn't let me go in the ocean, I remember we took home little vials of black sand and that I poured mine out when we got home ( Read more... )

I tried to watch the news this morning. I like the ambient background noise of the morning news. I like the weather reports, I like hearing about traffic even though I'm not going to be driving in it, I just like the news ( Read more... )

I joined a local skating group. I was really excited to go skate with them, becuase I'm still really nervous to drive far away from home and the only other skate group is all the way in Seattle ( Read more... )

I have a piece of advice today ( Read more... )