Secret Whispers ~ Chapter Twenty-first | part one
Title: Secret Whispers
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: AKame; RyoKame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to found out.
A/N: The quote in the beginning of the chapter belongs to Harold Philby. Also, regarding AO, we'll be a little tardy in posting :S aroruae is having her last exam and will finally graduate <333 and then we'll leave for the seaside XDD
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story ~ Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy Love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eigth song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun Burns Down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Thirteenth song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Fourteenth song ~ Precious One
Fifteenth song ~ Never Again
Sixteenth song ~ Blue Tuesday
Seventeenth song ~ Murasaki
Eighteenth song ~ The Fifth Season
Nineteenth song ~ I'll be with you
Twentienth song ~ Sadistic Love
Chapter Twenty first
Twenty-first song ~ Hesitate
I still can’t tell you my heart
My lips that kissed you are still wet
It was so silent even my sigh could be heard
But from ever on I’ll stop squatting down
<< To betray you must first belong. >>
Kazuya opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling above him, feeling that he could no longer sleep. It had been a boring day, but in the same time sort of painful. Ever since Jin had had him in that church, they had been avoiding each other. And while Kazuya did it because he didn’t want Jin to feel guilt anymore, he didn’t want to think of Jin’s reasons. After all, they couldn’t be any different than two days ago - he still wanted Kazuya out of his life.
The young actor sighed. What could he do to fix them back the way they were? How could he do it so that none of them had to suffer anymore? And he was beginning to doubt his actions even more. Again the thought of giving up crossed his mind, but he quickly dismissed it. How was he supposed to give up when there was still enough to try, to do, when he hadn’t tried hard enough to win Jin back? No, he shouldn’t give up, not yet, not until everything had been done, until he’ll have no more strength to fight for Jin’s love.
Kazuya slipped out of bed, taking a deep breath and making a mental note to visit a doctor as soon as he’ll get back to Tokyo. His bottom hurt like hell and it surely needed medical care, but he won’t do it with Jin around him. He will not add more to his guilt. So he headed with a slight limp towards the door, thinking that he will get a glass of water, seeing that he wasn’t feeling sleepy no more. No wonder, after all he had stayed in his room almost all day, sleeping or reading or dreaming of better days. And now - he was more awake than ever. Another sigh left his lips as he passed in front of a mirror, catching a glimpse of his pale and ghostly like reflection. Sometimes, he was wondering - who is the person I’m looking at in the mirror? Since he first had left Jin, he had slowly lost himself more and more in the depth of his own soul and love. He had always known what he wanted, he had known what he wanted to do in this life and what he had to do in order to get it. Even when Jin had stumbled in his life and turned it upside down, he had still known what he needed and wanted. But after he had left Jin, he had lost himself from everything and he was now in a place he never thought he’ll ever be. Also, he wasn’t even able to reach Jin. That much he had changed.
The younger turned the doorknob, opening the door and heading downstairs, feeling his heart beating a little faster - will he see Jin, will he be allowed to see Jin without him planning anything? But the road to the kitchen had been uneventful and lonely. There had been no Jin, no twisted fate to bring them together, it had been just him drinking a glass of water. Feeling rather hopeless, Kazuya climbed up again, this time stopping in front of Jin’s door. Was he sleeping? Should he enter? Without offering himself an answer, he knocked softly on the door. But there was silence on the other side and the younger one realized that Jin was probably asleep. There was no use for him to disturb him, at least in sleep. Yet this morning Jin had been holding him, had smiled to him in his dream, had even cuddled with Kazuya. It wasn’t wrong to enter in his room, no? It wasn’t wrong to want to see him even for a while, right?
And with such thoughts, Kazuya found himself in Jin’s room, his eyes landing on the sleeping form of the one he had hurt most in his life. He tiptoed his way to the bed, crouching with a grimace next to it, to watch the peaceful expression of Jin. He brought a hand to tuck away a soft lock of the older one’s, his lips curling a little seeing Jin mumbling a little. When they had first met, Kazuya had never thought that he’ll end up loving this man, that he’ll end up hurting him so much that it was painful for him too. He had never thought he’ll have such a great and painful love just to lose it in the end. But he was willing to give it all, as long he could see Jin like this, as long he could -
“I love you.” Kazuya whispered in the silence of the night, knowing that these words won’t reach Jin anymore. He didn’t believe in them anymore and who was he to blame him? The younger actor sighed and stood up carefully, gritting his teeth at the soaring pain in his lower part. He looked at Jin and a sad smile adorned his lips as he wanted to turn away, but something stopped him. He couldn’t just leave like this, he needed Jin so much that even a pitiful embrace would make him feel loved, even if this might turn out to be an illusion. So he decided to go against his better judgment and wriggled his way into Jin’s bed, hugging him gently as he nuzzled his face into Jin’s chest, inhaling deeply his scent.
This was where he belonged - into Jin’s arms. And like this, sleep visited him again.
The sun had been up for a long time when the first one of the two lovers opened his eyes. Jin groaned, moving a little as he could feel a weight on him but not pushing it away. Instead, his arms which were already holding the boy’s form at his chest tightened their hold and brought Kazuya closer, Jin sighing happily as he felt that deep scent of strawberry invading his nose and making him remember of the time that he had been happy. It had been the happiest days of his life and this fake illusion that he was reliving them was making Jin feel relieved but in the same time pained. Pained because this was also a reminder of what he’ll never have, of the young man who had lied to him and had made him believe that love was indeed just a fairytale. He knew that as soon as he’ll properly open his eyes and look at the foggy form from his arms, he will realize that it had all been just a dream.
Jin yawned and let go of Kazuya’s body for a second, his mind catching up with his actions fast for the first time in his life. Kazuya was really there? But… how? Jin’s first instinct was to look through the room to see if it was indeed his and that he had not stumbled in the wrong one over the night, but his suspicion had been confirmed when his eyes fell on his guitar and the lyrics papers he had been trying to write yesterday. The fact that it was his room and that Kazuya was also there made it all seem wrong and… not right. They shouldn’t be together, not after all that had happened between them.
A sigh escaped Jin’s lips as he looked at the peaceful form of Kazuya who was still sleeping and had not clue of what was going through Jin’s mind. He had wanted to avoid the younger, thinking that their last encounter from the shopping trip had been enough for him too. Jin knew that he had hurt the boy by having sex with him and tossing him away like that, especially because he had done it in a sacred place. But he had wanted to be cruel and to make Kazuya understand that more of this would come if he didn’t stop. Only that his actions had had a different turn and had made Jin feel worse as he had seen the blood dripping on the boy’s legs.
He couldn’t control himself anymore. He had to stay away from Kazuya or he’ll end up doing something that he’ll regret for the rest of his life - not that he wasn’t already regretting some things concerning Kazuya. But he knew that he’ll snap one day badly if Kazuya would continue to pretend that he loved him when Jin knew better than that. He had been fooled a lot of times by the boy, but this time he just couldn’t believe in his words anymore.
His eyes fell on Kazuya’s closed ones, making him think that nothing seemed to have changed if neither one of them talked. The last night had been perfect because they had been able to share a bed and act like they were truly in love, but the spell had dissipated along with the sun and the new day. Their story wasn’t a fairytale, it won’t have a happy end. And as happy as Jin was because of last night, as pained he also was when he knew that this wasn’t real.
“I’m sorry.” Jin whispered in the silence of the room, asking forgiveness for having hurt the younger at least physically if not emotionally and placing a cast kiss on the boy’s forehead. They were both to blame for their situation and even if Kazuya really loved Jin… it was already too late.
That had been Jin’s last thought as he had closed the door behind him, leaving Kazuya alone as the younger one had done three years ago.
*
There was a familiar scent engulfing him, one that he had loved many years and had yearned for in the same time. And now he had found it, he had finally found it.
Kazuya opened his eyes lazily, taking in the surroundings and for a moment, he wondered where he was. But everything came back to him and instantly he turned to look to his right, only to find the cruel truth. Of course he wouldn’t be here. Why would Jin even want to linger around in a bed that Kazuya had selfishly tainted with his presence? Now the happy feeling he had when he woke up turned into a miserable one, realizing once more that Jin still didn’t want him, still refused to accept him. The young actor sighed and grabbed onto the pillow Jin had been sleeping on, hugging it tightly to his chest.
He had never felt so alone and so abandoned like he was feeling right now.
Kazuya stood like that in Jin’s bed, thinking the same things he had been thinking over and over again. Everything was a rewind of what he had done and what he could do to win Jin back. And everything was painful and difficult. Sometimes he wondered if it wouldn’t have been better if he and Jin had never met, sometimes he thought that Jin would have been better without knowing him and maybe even Kazuya would have been better without knowing Jin too. They would have been so much better without having ever to meet. But even if he was thinking like that from time to time, he wasn’t regretting that he had met Jin. It was just everything would have been less painful without this love.
The young actor sighed and slipped out of bed, thinking that if he will linger any longer there, Jin might get back and then an awkward atmosphere would settle between them. And seeing how Jin had left him there, it showed clearly just how much he enjoyed Kazuya’s presence in his room, especially in his bed. How ironic - a month ago, Jin would have given anything to have Kazuya once more in his arms and now… he was pushing him away, not wanting him anymore. Another sigh left Kazuya’s lips as he dragged reluctantly his feet out of the room, half wishing that he would meet Jin before going downstairs, even if everything will be just plain awkward. Just one brief glance.
But he didn’t and now he was in his room, getting dressed for breakfast, not wanting to let Misaki wait for him any longer seeing that for the first time, Jin had been the early bird this morning. After a quick check in the mirror, he headed downstairs, going straight for the kitchen where he knew he would find the Akanishi family. With his heart pounding at the immediate moment when he’ll see Jin, he pushed open the door only to find Misaki and her husband pleasantly chatting with each other over a cup of coffee. But there was no Jin - had he gone out?
Kazuya felt his heart sink a little.
“Kazuya, dear.” Misaki chirped, standing up as soon as her eyes fell on the younger boy’s form. “Sit down, I’ll make you breakfast.” She said with a smile, immediately going to the fridge to take out the food that had just been placed there.
“It’s okay!” Kazuya hurried to say, his lips curling a little at Misaki’s motherly attitude. “I’ll just make myself a sandwich.” He added and went next to her, wearing a gentle expression. “I’m not feeling that hungry today.”
“Nonsense.” She quickly dismissed him, putting her hands on his shoulders and turning him around to guide the boy to his chair. “You have to eat more, you’re already skinny.” She clicked her tongue, obviously not approving the fact that Kazuya was refusing to eat even if he clearly needed to. “You’ve gained some weight since three years ago, but it’s not enough.” She then added with a bright smile as she looked at Kazuya before returning to put the food on a plate.
Since three years ago… God, must everything remind him of his greatest mistake of his life? Kazuya suppressed a sigh as he let himself be seated by Misaki. “Thank you.” He said with a small voice, looking at her with a grateful expression. Involuntarily - “Where’s Jin?” Kazuya asked, hoping that his voice didn’t waver or he didn’t seem too weird by asking such a question. After all, Misaki believed that they were friends, no? So it shouldn’t be that unusual to ask his whereabouts, right?
“Oh, he left early, dear.” Misaki replied with a cheerful voice, fixing some breakfast and putting the plate in front of Kazuya. “He said he’s sorry but he had to go back to sign a paper and he couldn’t wait for you to wake up.” She explained as he took a seat next to the boy, sipping from her coffee and sighing delighted. “Though he said that he’ll make it up for you.” She then winked and playfully hit Kazuya’s arm with her elbow as the woman snickered a little.
In front of them, her husband rolled his eyes and chuckled in the same time.
He left. Jin left…
These words kept echoing inside of Kazuya’s mind as if all he could think of was that Jin had left without him, clearly showing his desire to never see him, to abandon him. He didn’t know what hurt most - the fact that he had drove Jin to do something like this or that Jin had actually left him behind. Maybe both, because right now, something inside of him was collapsing and the air seemed not enough. But for the sake of Jin’s parents, he had to keep up the appearances. So Kazuya tried to smile a little, though he wasn’t sure that he could be such a good actor right now when the one he loved the most had done the same thing he did three years ago.
What a crushing feeling - being left behind. And he had done this to Jin first.
“I see.” Kazuya said with a soft voice, trying to mask his sadness, at least not to worry Misaki. “Then I’ll make sure he does so.” He sounded cheerful, though he knew perfectly how big of a lie was this.
Misaki threw Kazuya a doubtful glance and sighed to herself. The discussion she had had with Jin when Kazuya had first appeared on their doorstep had made her think that there was something between the two of them that Jin was refusing to tell her. But Jin had said after that that everything was fine and that they just basically grew apart after not being in contact for so long, Jin not being bothered anymore about the fact that Kazuya had left so suddenly after they had talked and the younger one had explained his reasons. He had also mentioned a little fight from their past, but she had thought that everything had passed after seeing them together and witnessing the longing in both of their eyes. For her, it was clear that they still wanted to be friends.
And from what it seemed, Jin was the one stubborn to refuse.
“You know…” she started as if it was a totally normal thing to begin a random topic at a random time. “Jin had always been a person that would easily trust others.” Misaki said and fixed her eyes on a distant point, suspecting that Kazuya would feel embarrassed if he were to know that she knew about their fight. Her husband looked at her with a surprised expression, but kept silent and listened to his wife, knowing that he’ll understand soon what she was trying to do. “If he liked a person, he would go straight to them and introduced himself. He’d be a brat in the beginning but he’s also a fool and a caring person, so all of them had ended up wanting to be his friend.” She continued as her face looked like she was remembering a certain scene from their past. “He believes in his friends and he’d do anything for the ones he cares about, that’s why it’s easy to hurt him.” A sigh escaped her lips, having been a witness of some of those cases from Jin’s childhood. She didn’t know the details, but it was clear for her that Jin was also suffering because of his fight with Kazuya and that he didn’t know what to do to make up. This only showed her that he wanted to forgive, but he found himself quite unable to do so.
And the answer lied within Kazuya.
Involuntarily, the young actor smiled genuinely. “I know.” He confirmed Misaki’s words, the gentle and soft expression on his face showing that he also had seen and understood very well this side of Jin. Though it was sort of surprising that Jin had liked him from the very start while Kazuya had taken awhile to really like him. And then everything had evolved to something they had never thought will happen. “Jin is a wonderful person.” Kazuya said with a sad tone, recalling all of their moments together and all of the feelings they had shared together. “But even the most wonderful people can’t forgive some mistakes.” He gulped and looked at Misaki with a pitiful expression, clearly telling her that he was the one who had done wrong to Jin and that her son was right in leaving him behind like he had done this morning.
Misaki looked at him and smiled gently, patting his head in a comforting manner. “Jin trusts his friends even if they make mistakes.” She said and her lips curled up a little. “Even if it might not seem so, I’m sure he still believes in you and waits for the moment when he’ll be able to give up at his feelings of pain and maybe disappointment.” The woman continued, thinking that she had seen those two feelings too often in her son’s eyes. She hadn’t known the reason before, but if it was Kazuya then it meant that the boy was an important part in his life. And she couldn’t stand to see them suffering like this. “He trusts you, Kazuya,” she said and put her hand over the boy’s that was standing on the table, “and you have to trust him too, trust him that he’ll forgive you one day.”
“Yes…” The young actor said with a sigh, hoping that that day will come sooner.
One day.
*
The road back had been hard and full of memories. He couldn’t stop thinking at everything that had happened between them, at every moment that had brought them together and had also separated them in the same time. As each picture with the two of them walked by in front of his eyes, Jin realized that maybe he loved Kazuya more than ever even if he knew that he couldn’t have him and that he couldn’t obtain that happiness that he desperately needed. He had lived for three years with the belief that Kazuya loved him and that it had all been a mistake, but now…
That belief had vanished into thin air. He couldn’t trust Kazuya anymore, he didn’t know what was the truth and what was a lie. He couldn’t separate Kazuya’s real feelings from the ones he had been lying all the time. The younger one had rejected Jin at first but only to be with him in the end and say that he had fallen in love with him, that he desired the same thing as the other one and that he wanted to be together and to be happy. But then… it had seemed that he had changed his mind, leaving him alone and disappearing into another country. And when Jin had finally found him again, he had received only coldness from his ex-lover. Only pain and suffering and hurt. And when he had finally given up… Kazuya had yet again changed his mind and had said that he loved him.
It was really cruel to play like this with him. It seemed that Kazuya really enjoyed making Jin suffer because there couldn’t be other explanation for which he loved so much to push Jin off a cliff only to bring him back in the last moment. His life had become like a rollercoaster since Jin had met Kazuya and even now, when he wanted to have no more connections with him, the younger one was stubborn enough to continue on appearing in his life and messing it up.
Jin sighed as he opened the door to his apartment, closing it behind it with a loud thud and then hearing a sound of something breaking in his kitchen, followed by a violent curse. He chuckled as he recognized the voice and strolled to the room, watching from the door’s frame how Ueda was trying to pick up the pieces of the mug he had dropped.
“You could knock, you know.” Ueda barked, not even looking at Jin as he continued his work to gather up the pieces.
“It’s my apartment, you know?” Jin shot back with a curious tone and an arched eyebrow, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he clearly had no intention of helping the other one. “You shouldn’t barge in people’s apartments like this.” He then shrugged, entering the kitchen and avoiding the shards of glass as he went to take a seat at the table on the other side.
“I have a key, why not use it?” Ueda asked with an indignant tone, standing up and throwing the broken mug at the garbage before filling another two cups with coffee and giving one of them to Jin. “You look like you need one.” He explained himself and Jin flinched, only now realizing that he hadn’t drunk a drop of coffee this morning - the shock of seeing Kazuya in his bed had been enough for him to wake up completely.
“I would rather have a glass of whisky.” Jin replied with a bitter tone, accepting the mug and taking a sip from the delicious drink. It was still early in the day, with the clock having struck two just a few minutes ago, but he already felt like having a heavy drink to relax himself after the long road from his parents’ home and the hell he had been living in the past few days with Kazuya.
“What happened?” Ueda promptly asked, not being the type to beat around the bush, and Jin laughed, amused as always by this particular trait of his manager that had made them become such good friends.
“Kazuya.” Jin simply said, knowing that the grim expression from his face told more than he needed to say. Ueda frowned though, not understanding what did Kazuya have to do with this when he had sent Jin to have a vacation especially to get rid of the younger one. “He followed me to my parents’ and he stayed with us for a few days.” Jin added, seeing that Ueda wanted to know more and becoming a little impatient as he saw the other one standing up with a furious expression on his face.
“That son of a bitch!! I’m going to - “
“You’re not going to do anything.” Jin interrupted him, feeling too tired to deal with this right now, and Ueda seemed to listen to him - for now. “I could have thrown him out any time I wanted to, but I didn’t so I guess I’m as guilty as he is.” He added, watching his manager as he took back his place, sitting down and studying Jin with a fierce gaze.
“You were supposed to have a vacation.” Ueda argued and Jin smiled bitterly.
Yeah, he was, but fate had always had a whim to play and it seemed that it liked to play it with Jin more than often. These few days which were supposed to relax him had actually made him even more tensed and edgier as he had come to expected Kazuya to appear any second now next to him.
“It’s weird, you know?” Jin laughed and passed his hands over his face, growling lowly and heavily. “He didn’t want to have anything to do with me at first and he used to avoid me when he was my assistant - basically as he had done since he had come back to Japan.” He said with a hurtful voice, the images from the past circling in his mind and in front of his eyes, remembering every moment spent with Kazuya, every time they had been locked into the bathroom and every kiss they had shared until the younger one had finally accepted him. The playful touches in the morning that always meant something more, but none of them were aware of at the beginning, the jealousy between them and the moments when their important ones had found out about them - all of this seemed so far away now. “And now…” Jin suppressed a sob, “now he’s so desperate that he made me snap to sleep with him. And it didn’t change anything in the end, our relationship is still as broken as ever and I feel even guiltier for being with him just to hurt him.” he cried, a part of him still not being able to believe that he had actually hurt the younger one - physically.
“Jin…” Ueda called his name, sitting up and taking the other one into his arms, feeling his heart breaking for seeing his best friend in such a state.
“I was desperate too, you know?” Jin continued, feeling that he couldn’t stop now that he had started. “I was also desperate to win him back and I did a lot of stupid things for that like kidnapping him and taking his part in the movie to act it with him…” he trailed off and closed his eyes as he took a deep breath and tried to control himself. “But he’s different.” Jin stated with a quiet voice, his body slightly trembling into Ueda’s arms as he remembered the expression Kazuya had had when he had begged Jin to make love with him one more time before hating him.
“It’s okay, Jin.” It was the only thing Ueda could say, pushing Jin away from him and looking into his eyes, cupping his cheeks and smiling lightly at him. “You’ll find someone else.” He added, leaning down and gently kissing Jin’s lips.
The younger one laughed again. Everything had changed and the past seemed to be the farthest away from him than it had ever been. He had done a lot of crazy stuff for Kazuya and had even cut his ties with Ryo for the time being, but Kazuya… he was using lies. He lied to Jin, he lied to his mother and he lied to everyone.
How could Jin trust him now?
“He’s not my Kazuya anymore.” He stated and clung to Ueda, wanting to simply forget everything.
*
He was trying to get some sleep when he heard the doorbell. Kazuya sighed and got off the bed, not wanting anything more than to go back and forget about everything that had happened these past few days. It had only been a few hours since he had gotten back from Jin’s parents’ house and Kazuya wanted some peace for the time being to be able to go forward and not care that Jin was still treating him like he was the worst.
But then again, maybe he was.
The last thing that he expected to see when he opened the door was Ueda’s face smiling arrogantly at him and looking at Kazuya with an expression that screamed how pissed he actually was. The older one didn’t wait for an invitation and just pushed the other one aside, entering the apartment and letting his gaze travel around him to inspect the house Kazuya lived in.
“Hm,” Ueda smirked, “not bad.”
Kazuya arched an eyebrow and let the door close with a loud thud behind, following Ueda inside the house. “Hello to you too.” He said with a polite voice, though you could sense the slight annoyance in it. He wasn’t really in the mood for anyone. Well, maybe except for Jin.
Ueda didn’t notice anything or the sort or if he did, he pretended not to see it. He continued to smile in an innocent way though the color and intensity of his eyes clearly told that he wasn’t joking anymore. “It seems that you’ve forgotten something.” The older one said, his voice low and dangerously sweet as his eyes now studied Kazuya’s form this time.
Kazuya arched an eyebrow and the words rolled off his lips before he could think them through. “What? Manners?” He smiled politely, giving a little bow. “Excuse me then. But do have a seat having already barged in like you own the place. Want some coffee? Or maybe tea?” He continued, showing for the first time to Ueda that he could be rude as anyone else. Though Kazuya made it more elegantly, not so straightforwardly like others. “So what it will be?”
“You never had manners from the first place.” Ueda quickly dismissed the problem, not feeling guilty or even affected by the younger one’s words. Because now that he knew the whole story, he also knew how the younger had acted with Jin when he had first met him, disrespecting him or treating him like any other person even if he was his boss. If there was anyone who should know something about manners - and respect - then it clearly wasn’t Ueda. “But I’m not here to teach you how you should act with others.” The older one continued, changing the subject as he didn’t want to linger in that house too much. Just the fact that Ryo had been the one to buy it gave him shivers. “I’m here to remind you about our little talk from the first time we saw each other.” He then added with a tilt of his head and the same cold smile plastered on his lips. “About what I warned you back then and you had chosen to ignore it.” Ueda said and this time his voice was sharp and imposing, his eyes narrowed and his lips a thin line.
The young actor gritted his teeth. Who was he to come in his house and tell him what he was supposed to do when it came to Jin?! “And don’t tell me.” He said with a melodramatic voice. “You’re here to punish me. Heck, go ahead.” Kazuya chuckled as if Ueda could do nothing to him. “But it won’t keep me away from Jin.” He said with a defiant voice as he crossed his arms and confronted the other one. After all, what could a manager do? They had never been lovers, so Jin had no obligations towards him. Maybe they had slept together, but Kazuya preferred to dismiss such ideas. He wanted to believe Jin hadn’t touched another man the way he had done with him. He wanted to believe that he was the only one for Jin.
“I’m not here to punish you, stupid kid.” Ueda growled, coming closer to Kazuya and taking one small step at a time. “This isn’t a warning anymore.” He added and stopped at a few inches from the younger one, lifting his hand and cupping Kazuya’s cheeks with a strong and angry grasp. “Stay away from Jin or I’ll make sure to destroy your life.” he threatened.
Kazuya lifted his chin a little, though Ueda’s grasp sort of stopped him from doing anymore than this. He narrowed his eyes and a mocking smile bloomed on his beautiful face. “Then destroy it.” The actor provoked, his hand gripping Ueda’s wrist tightly. “I won’t stay away from Jin no matter what others say. I made a mistake and I intend to repair it and win Jin back.” He continued, his voice having a deep and determined tone. “So your threats won’t work on me.” Kazuya smiled with a serene expression, showing just how much his life mattered in comparison with Jin. It didn’t matter because Jin meant everything, he had lived without him for far too long and he wasn’t backing away just because some manager came to him and told him to stay away. Such threats were useless against him.
“You made more than one mistake, you idiot!” Ueda hissed as he tightened his grasp on the younger one’s chin only to push him away with disgust after a couple of seconds. “You made a mistake when you left that morning three years ago.” He said and it was obvious that he was barely containing his anger, his voice betraying his feelings even if his face was half expressionless. “You made a mistake when you decided to take Ryo with you.” The older one continued and you could see how wrong this all seemed for him, the fact that Kazuya had made even Jin’s best friend betray him because of a stupid night together. “You made another mistake when you decided to return. You made a mistake when you crossed Jin’s way for the second time. You made a mistake when you rejected him for so long only to be now crawling back to his feet. You made the stupidest mistake to follow him at his parents’ house and stay there under some pretext that you’re lost.” Ueda said all of this from one breath, not stopping one second but raising his tone more and more as he presented the events from the past and the present. “Can’t you see? Jin doesn’t want you anymore. Even if he doesn’t hate you, what he wants most now is not to have to see you again. And you pretend to love him now?” he snorted, the amusement resounding in his voice. “Please, you don’t know what love is. If you knew, you would have stayed away from Jin and his friends a long time ago.” Ueda narrowed his eyes and looked at Kazuya with a murderous gaze.
Kazuya’s face was paler than normal, but as he spoke his voice was steady and calm. “Thank you for your wonderful presentation of my life.” He said with a cold voice, his eyes being the only thing that showed just how much Ueda had managed to hurt him. Like he didn’t know all this, like he didn’t know what mistakes he had done. Apparently, Ueda felt necessary that he should remind him again. “I see that you’ve done your homework well, but unfortunately I can’t give you full marks.” Kazuya continued as he smiled a little, but it was too wry to be considered as such. Maybe Ueda knew everything that happened between him and Jin, but he only knew one side of the story. It wasn’t just Jin who suffered because of his own mistake, but Kazuya too. Both of them had suffered, but only one was guilty. “No matter how much Jin will tell you about us, you will never understand.” The actor said, knowing perfectly well how true this was. An outsider will never grasp the true situation between two lovers. He could only guess or give an opinion.
Ueda laughed, sounding mocking and his voice was half pitying Kazuya as he spoke again. “Don’t flatter yourself, I don’t give a damn about you.” He spat the words as he looked at the younger one with disgust clear in his eyes. Kazuya was the one who didn’t understand, he didn’t understand Ueda’s reasons, why he was there and why he was even bothering to deal with someone like him. “I don’t care if you really love Jin.” He said and once again took a step towards the other one, his eyes intimidating and accusing. “I don’t care if you really thought that he had just messed up with you and that’s why you left. I don’t even care if you’ve suffered as much as him or even more.” Ueda confessed, feeling that he wanted to sigh because this was making him tired and snarky. “What I really care,” he continued as he now stood at a few inches from Kazuya, their eyes locked and their breaths too close, “is that you’ve made Jin suffer and now you’re still here. Jin is the only one that matters for me, not a fool like you who can’t even trust the one he loves.”
Kazuya gritted his teeth as he looked back at Ueda with defiant eyes. “I will always be here.” He said with the same determined voice as earlier, showing that he was not impressed by Ueda’s threats. “No matter what you say, I won’t leave this time.” The younger one continued with a fierce expression. “But you’ve made your point, now you can leave. I listened enough.” Kazuya added and took a step behind, pointing his arm at the door, showing Ueda the way. It was enough, he didn’t need anyone - especially a stranger - to come and say that he had been a fool for not trusting Jin and his love, he didn’t need such shit right now. He was already blaming himself, he had already admitted to have been a total idiot three years ago and a total jerk in present too. But this was his damn business, not another’s one.
“Even if you won’t leave…” Ueda added as he headed to the door, the light and playful smile back on his lips, “I’ll make you do it eventually.” He said as he turned his head to look over his shoulder at Kazuya. “Jin is mine now and I’m not going to let you hurt him even more.” He smiled and waved like they were friends, turning to leave the apartment.
“Well, do try your best to make me leave.” Kazuya said with a cheerful voice as he watched Ueda heading for the exit. “And we’ll see to whom Jin belongs.” He added with a confident tone, knowing perfectly that no matter what this man would say, Jin’s love for him won’t fade away that easily. After all, Jin had searched for him for three years, it wasn’t like one day he’d fall out of love so quickly. And, even if they were sleeping together, it meant nothing. Even if it hurt, it had to mean nothing. “So, bye-bye!” Kazuya wriggled his fingers with a slight tilt of his head and a sweet smile. The sooner Ueda left his house, the better. He hadn’t been in the mood for anyone - especially for someone like Ueda - and his patience was running thin.
Ueda shook his head as he stopped in the door’s frame. He should have known that Kazuya won’t understand, but at least he had been warned. He was now free to do whatever he wanted and a lot of that meant pain and suffering for the younger one. “Next time you’ll see Jin, you’ll know that it’s already impossible for you too.” He said and then turned a little more, his index finger pointing to a spot near his collarbone. “I’ll mark it for you to understand.” He added with a serious and half threatening voice, moving his finger on the place he had showed, meaning to say that Kazuya should pay more attention to a certain spot on Jin’s body next time he’ll see him.
“I wish you luck.” Ueda ended and finally left the apartment, the door closing behind him.
Kazuya could only stare at it and wonder that the older one had meant with that.
PART TWO
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: AKame; RyoKame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to found out.
A/N: The quote in the beginning of the chapter belongs to Harold Philby. Also, regarding AO, we'll be a little tardy in posting :S aroruae is having her last exam and will finally graduate <333 and then we'll leave for the seaside XDD
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story ~ Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy Love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eigth song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun Burns Down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Thirteenth song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Fourteenth song ~ Precious One
Fifteenth song ~ Never Again
Sixteenth song ~ Blue Tuesday
Seventeenth song ~ Murasaki
Eighteenth song ~ The Fifth Season
Nineteenth song ~ I'll be with you
Twentienth song ~ Sadistic Love
Chapter Twenty first
Twenty-first song ~ Hesitate
I still can’t tell you my heart
My lips that kissed you are still wet
It was so silent even my sigh could be heard
But from ever on I’ll stop squatting down
<< To betray you must first belong. >>
Kazuya opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling above him, feeling that he could no longer sleep. It had been a boring day, but in the same time sort of painful. Ever since Jin had had him in that church, they had been avoiding each other. And while Kazuya did it because he didn’t want Jin to feel guilt anymore, he didn’t want to think of Jin’s reasons. After all, they couldn’t be any different than two days ago - he still wanted Kazuya out of his life.
The young actor sighed. What could he do to fix them back the way they were? How could he do it so that none of them had to suffer anymore? And he was beginning to doubt his actions even more. Again the thought of giving up crossed his mind, but he quickly dismissed it. How was he supposed to give up when there was still enough to try, to do, when he hadn’t tried hard enough to win Jin back? No, he shouldn’t give up, not yet, not until everything had been done, until he’ll have no more strength to fight for Jin’s love.
Kazuya slipped out of bed, taking a deep breath and making a mental note to visit a doctor as soon as he’ll get back to Tokyo. His bottom hurt like hell and it surely needed medical care, but he won’t do it with Jin around him. He will not add more to his guilt. So he headed with a slight limp towards the door, thinking that he will get a glass of water, seeing that he wasn’t feeling sleepy no more. No wonder, after all he had stayed in his room almost all day, sleeping or reading or dreaming of better days. And now - he was more awake than ever. Another sigh left his lips as he passed in front of a mirror, catching a glimpse of his pale and ghostly like reflection. Sometimes, he was wondering - who is the person I’m looking at in the mirror? Since he first had left Jin, he had slowly lost himself more and more in the depth of his own soul and love. He had always known what he wanted, he had known what he wanted to do in this life and what he had to do in order to get it. Even when Jin had stumbled in his life and turned it upside down, he had still known what he needed and wanted. But after he had left Jin, he had lost himself from everything and he was now in a place he never thought he’ll ever be. Also, he wasn’t even able to reach Jin. That much he had changed.
The younger turned the doorknob, opening the door and heading downstairs, feeling his heart beating a little faster - will he see Jin, will he be allowed to see Jin without him planning anything? But the road to the kitchen had been uneventful and lonely. There had been no Jin, no twisted fate to bring them together, it had been just him drinking a glass of water. Feeling rather hopeless, Kazuya climbed up again, this time stopping in front of Jin’s door. Was he sleeping? Should he enter? Without offering himself an answer, he knocked softly on the door. But there was silence on the other side and the younger one realized that Jin was probably asleep. There was no use for him to disturb him, at least in sleep. Yet this morning Jin had been holding him, had smiled to him in his dream, had even cuddled with Kazuya. It wasn’t wrong to enter in his room, no? It wasn’t wrong to want to see him even for a while, right?
And with such thoughts, Kazuya found himself in Jin’s room, his eyes landing on the sleeping form of the one he had hurt most in his life. He tiptoed his way to the bed, crouching with a grimace next to it, to watch the peaceful expression of Jin. He brought a hand to tuck away a soft lock of the older one’s, his lips curling a little seeing Jin mumbling a little. When they had first met, Kazuya had never thought that he’ll end up loving this man, that he’ll end up hurting him so much that it was painful for him too. He had never thought he’ll have such a great and painful love just to lose it in the end. But he was willing to give it all, as long he could see Jin like this, as long he could -
“I love you.” Kazuya whispered in the silence of the night, knowing that these words won’t reach Jin anymore. He didn’t believe in them anymore and who was he to blame him? The younger actor sighed and stood up carefully, gritting his teeth at the soaring pain in his lower part. He looked at Jin and a sad smile adorned his lips as he wanted to turn away, but something stopped him. He couldn’t just leave like this, he needed Jin so much that even a pitiful embrace would make him feel loved, even if this might turn out to be an illusion. So he decided to go against his better judgment and wriggled his way into Jin’s bed, hugging him gently as he nuzzled his face into Jin’s chest, inhaling deeply his scent.
This was where he belonged - into Jin’s arms. And like this, sleep visited him again.
The sun had been up for a long time when the first one of the two lovers opened his eyes. Jin groaned, moving a little as he could feel a weight on him but not pushing it away. Instead, his arms which were already holding the boy’s form at his chest tightened their hold and brought Kazuya closer, Jin sighing happily as he felt that deep scent of strawberry invading his nose and making him remember of the time that he had been happy. It had been the happiest days of his life and this fake illusion that he was reliving them was making Jin feel relieved but in the same time pained. Pained because this was also a reminder of what he’ll never have, of the young man who had lied to him and had made him believe that love was indeed just a fairytale. He knew that as soon as he’ll properly open his eyes and look at the foggy form from his arms, he will realize that it had all been just a dream.
Jin yawned and let go of Kazuya’s body for a second, his mind catching up with his actions fast for the first time in his life. Kazuya was really there? But… how? Jin’s first instinct was to look through the room to see if it was indeed his and that he had not stumbled in the wrong one over the night, but his suspicion had been confirmed when his eyes fell on his guitar and the lyrics papers he had been trying to write yesterday. The fact that it was his room and that Kazuya was also there made it all seem wrong and… not right. They shouldn’t be together, not after all that had happened between them.
A sigh escaped Jin’s lips as he looked at the peaceful form of Kazuya who was still sleeping and had not clue of what was going through Jin’s mind. He had wanted to avoid the younger, thinking that their last encounter from the shopping trip had been enough for him too. Jin knew that he had hurt the boy by having sex with him and tossing him away like that, especially because he had done it in a sacred place. But he had wanted to be cruel and to make Kazuya understand that more of this would come if he didn’t stop. Only that his actions had had a different turn and had made Jin feel worse as he had seen the blood dripping on the boy’s legs.
He couldn’t control himself anymore. He had to stay away from Kazuya or he’ll end up doing something that he’ll regret for the rest of his life - not that he wasn’t already regretting some things concerning Kazuya. But he knew that he’ll snap one day badly if Kazuya would continue to pretend that he loved him when Jin knew better than that. He had been fooled a lot of times by the boy, but this time he just couldn’t believe in his words anymore.
His eyes fell on Kazuya’s closed ones, making him think that nothing seemed to have changed if neither one of them talked. The last night had been perfect because they had been able to share a bed and act like they were truly in love, but the spell had dissipated along with the sun and the new day. Their story wasn’t a fairytale, it won’t have a happy end. And as happy as Jin was because of last night, as pained he also was when he knew that this wasn’t real.
“I’m sorry.” Jin whispered in the silence of the room, asking forgiveness for having hurt the younger at least physically if not emotionally and placing a cast kiss on the boy’s forehead. They were both to blame for their situation and even if Kazuya really loved Jin… it was already too late.
That had been Jin’s last thought as he had closed the door behind him, leaving Kazuya alone as the younger one had done three years ago.
*
There was a familiar scent engulfing him, one that he had loved many years and had yearned for in the same time. And now he had found it, he had finally found it.
Kazuya opened his eyes lazily, taking in the surroundings and for a moment, he wondered where he was. But everything came back to him and instantly he turned to look to his right, only to find the cruel truth. Of course he wouldn’t be here. Why would Jin even want to linger around in a bed that Kazuya had selfishly tainted with his presence? Now the happy feeling he had when he woke up turned into a miserable one, realizing once more that Jin still didn’t want him, still refused to accept him. The young actor sighed and grabbed onto the pillow Jin had been sleeping on, hugging it tightly to his chest.
He had never felt so alone and so abandoned like he was feeling right now.
Kazuya stood like that in Jin’s bed, thinking the same things he had been thinking over and over again. Everything was a rewind of what he had done and what he could do to win Jin back. And everything was painful and difficult. Sometimes he wondered if it wouldn’t have been better if he and Jin had never met, sometimes he thought that Jin would have been better without knowing him and maybe even Kazuya would have been better without knowing Jin too. They would have been so much better without having ever to meet. But even if he was thinking like that from time to time, he wasn’t regretting that he had met Jin. It was just everything would have been less painful without this love.
The young actor sighed and slipped out of bed, thinking that if he will linger any longer there, Jin might get back and then an awkward atmosphere would settle between them. And seeing how Jin had left him there, it showed clearly just how much he enjoyed Kazuya’s presence in his room, especially in his bed. How ironic - a month ago, Jin would have given anything to have Kazuya once more in his arms and now… he was pushing him away, not wanting him anymore. Another sigh left Kazuya’s lips as he dragged reluctantly his feet out of the room, half wishing that he would meet Jin before going downstairs, even if everything will be just plain awkward. Just one brief glance.
But he didn’t and now he was in his room, getting dressed for breakfast, not wanting to let Misaki wait for him any longer seeing that for the first time, Jin had been the early bird this morning. After a quick check in the mirror, he headed downstairs, going straight for the kitchen where he knew he would find the Akanishi family. With his heart pounding at the immediate moment when he’ll see Jin, he pushed open the door only to find Misaki and her husband pleasantly chatting with each other over a cup of coffee. But there was no Jin - had he gone out?
Kazuya felt his heart sink a little.
“Kazuya, dear.” Misaki chirped, standing up as soon as her eyes fell on the younger boy’s form. “Sit down, I’ll make you breakfast.” She said with a smile, immediately going to the fridge to take out the food that had just been placed there.
“It’s okay!” Kazuya hurried to say, his lips curling a little at Misaki’s motherly attitude. “I’ll just make myself a sandwich.” He added and went next to her, wearing a gentle expression. “I’m not feeling that hungry today.”
“Nonsense.” She quickly dismissed him, putting her hands on his shoulders and turning him around to guide the boy to his chair. “You have to eat more, you’re already skinny.” She clicked her tongue, obviously not approving the fact that Kazuya was refusing to eat even if he clearly needed to. “You’ve gained some weight since three years ago, but it’s not enough.” She then added with a bright smile as she looked at Kazuya before returning to put the food on a plate.
Since three years ago… God, must everything remind him of his greatest mistake of his life? Kazuya suppressed a sigh as he let himself be seated by Misaki. “Thank you.” He said with a small voice, looking at her with a grateful expression. Involuntarily - “Where’s Jin?” Kazuya asked, hoping that his voice didn’t waver or he didn’t seem too weird by asking such a question. After all, Misaki believed that they were friends, no? So it shouldn’t be that unusual to ask his whereabouts, right?
“Oh, he left early, dear.” Misaki replied with a cheerful voice, fixing some breakfast and putting the plate in front of Kazuya. “He said he’s sorry but he had to go back to sign a paper and he couldn’t wait for you to wake up.” She explained as he took a seat next to the boy, sipping from her coffee and sighing delighted. “Though he said that he’ll make it up for you.” She then winked and playfully hit Kazuya’s arm with her elbow as the woman snickered a little.
In front of them, her husband rolled his eyes and chuckled in the same time.
He left. Jin left…
These words kept echoing inside of Kazuya’s mind as if all he could think of was that Jin had left without him, clearly showing his desire to never see him, to abandon him. He didn’t know what hurt most - the fact that he had drove Jin to do something like this or that Jin had actually left him behind. Maybe both, because right now, something inside of him was collapsing and the air seemed not enough. But for the sake of Jin’s parents, he had to keep up the appearances. So Kazuya tried to smile a little, though he wasn’t sure that he could be such a good actor right now when the one he loved the most had done the same thing he did three years ago.
What a crushing feeling - being left behind. And he had done this to Jin first.
“I see.” Kazuya said with a soft voice, trying to mask his sadness, at least not to worry Misaki. “Then I’ll make sure he does so.” He sounded cheerful, though he knew perfectly how big of a lie was this.
Misaki threw Kazuya a doubtful glance and sighed to herself. The discussion she had had with Jin when Kazuya had first appeared on their doorstep had made her think that there was something between the two of them that Jin was refusing to tell her. But Jin had said after that that everything was fine and that they just basically grew apart after not being in contact for so long, Jin not being bothered anymore about the fact that Kazuya had left so suddenly after they had talked and the younger one had explained his reasons. He had also mentioned a little fight from their past, but she had thought that everything had passed after seeing them together and witnessing the longing in both of their eyes. For her, it was clear that they still wanted to be friends.
And from what it seemed, Jin was the one stubborn to refuse.
“You know…” she started as if it was a totally normal thing to begin a random topic at a random time. “Jin had always been a person that would easily trust others.” Misaki said and fixed her eyes on a distant point, suspecting that Kazuya would feel embarrassed if he were to know that she knew about their fight. Her husband looked at her with a surprised expression, but kept silent and listened to his wife, knowing that he’ll understand soon what she was trying to do. “If he liked a person, he would go straight to them and introduced himself. He’d be a brat in the beginning but he’s also a fool and a caring person, so all of them had ended up wanting to be his friend.” She continued as her face looked like she was remembering a certain scene from their past. “He believes in his friends and he’d do anything for the ones he cares about, that’s why it’s easy to hurt him.” A sigh escaped her lips, having been a witness of some of those cases from Jin’s childhood. She didn’t know the details, but it was clear for her that Jin was also suffering because of his fight with Kazuya and that he didn’t know what to do to make up. This only showed her that he wanted to forgive, but he found himself quite unable to do so.
And the answer lied within Kazuya.
Involuntarily, the young actor smiled genuinely. “I know.” He confirmed Misaki’s words, the gentle and soft expression on his face showing that he also had seen and understood very well this side of Jin. Though it was sort of surprising that Jin had liked him from the very start while Kazuya had taken awhile to really like him. And then everything had evolved to something they had never thought will happen. “Jin is a wonderful person.” Kazuya said with a sad tone, recalling all of their moments together and all of the feelings they had shared together. “But even the most wonderful people can’t forgive some mistakes.” He gulped and looked at Misaki with a pitiful expression, clearly telling her that he was the one who had done wrong to Jin and that her son was right in leaving him behind like he had done this morning.
Misaki looked at him and smiled gently, patting his head in a comforting manner. “Jin trusts his friends even if they make mistakes.” She said and her lips curled up a little. “Even if it might not seem so, I’m sure he still believes in you and waits for the moment when he’ll be able to give up at his feelings of pain and maybe disappointment.” The woman continued, thinking that she had seen those two feelings too often in her son’s eyes. She hadn’t known the reason before, but if it was Kazuya then it meant that the boy was an important part in his life. And she couldn’t stand to see them suffering like this. “He trusts you, Kazuya,” she said and put her hand over the boy’s that was standing on the table, “and you have to trust him too, trust him that he’ll forgive you one day.”
“Yes…” The young actor said with a sigh, hoping that that day will come sooner.
One day.
*
The road back had been hard and full of memories. He couldn’t stop thinking at everything that had happened between them, at every moment that had brought them together and had also separated them in the same time. As each picture with the two of them walked by in front of his eyes, Jin realized that maybe he loved Kazuya more than ever even if he knew that he couldn’t have him and that he couldn’t obtain that happiness that he desperately needed. He had lived for three years with the belief that Kazuya loved him and that it had all been a mistake, but now…
That belief had vanished into thin air. He couldn’t trust Kazuya anymore, he didn’t know what was the truth and what was a lie. He couldn’t separate Kazuya’s real feelings from the ones he had been lying all the time. The younger one had rejected Jin at first but only to be with him in the end and say that he had fallen in love with him, that he desired the same thing as the other one and that he wanted to be together and to be happy. But then… it had seemed that he had changed his mind, leaving him alone and disappearing into another country. And when Jin had finally found him again, he had received only coldness from his ex-lover. Only pain and suffering and hurt. And when he had finally given up… Kazuya had yet again changed his mind and had said that he loved him.
It was really cruel to play like this with him. It seemed that Kazuya really enjoyed making Jin suffer because there couldn’t be other explanation for which he loved so much to push Jin off a cliff only to bring him back in the last moment. His life had become like a rollercoaster since Jin had met Kazuya and even now, when he wanted to have no more connections with him, the younger one was stubborn enough to continue on appearing in his life and messing it up.
Jin sighed as he opened the door to his apartment, closing it behind it with a loud thud and then hearing a sound of something breaking in his kitchen, followed by a violent curse. He chuckled as he recognized the voice and strolled to the room, watching from the door’s frame how Ueda was trying to pick up the pieces of the mug he had dropped.
“You could knock, you know.” Ueda barked, not even looking at Jin as he continued his work to gather up the pieces.
“It’s my apartment, you know?” Jin shot back with a curious tone and an arched eyebrow, crossing his arms in front of his chest as he clearly had no intention of helping the other one. “You shouldn’t barge in people’s apartments like this.” He then shrugged, entering the kitchen and avoiding the shards of glass as he went to take a seat at the table on the other side.
“I have a key, why not use it?” Ueda asked with an indignant tone, standing up and throwing the broken mug at the garbage before filling another two cups with coffee and giving one of them to Jin. “You look like you need one.” He explained himself and Jin flinched, only now realizing that he hadn’t drunk a drop of coffee this morning - the shock of seeing Kazuya in his bed had been enough for him to wake up completely.
“I would rather have a glass of whisky.” Jin replied with a bitter tone, accepting the mug and taking a sip from the delicious drink. It was still early in the day, with the clock having struck two just a few minutes ago, but he already felt like having a heavy drink to relax himself after the long road from his parents’ home and the hell he had been living in the past few days with Kazuya.
“What happened?” Ueda promptly asked, not being the type to beat around the bush, and Jin laughed, amused as always by this particular trait of his manager that had made them become such good friends.
“Kazuya.” Jin simply said, knowing that the grim expression from his face told more than he needed to say. Ueda frowned though, not understanding what did Kazuya have to do with this when he had sent Jin to have a vacation especially to get rid of the younger one. “He followed me to my parents’ and he stayed with us for a few days.” Jin added, seeing that Ueda wanted to know more and becoming a little impatient as he saw the other one standing up with a furious expression on his face.
“That son of a bitch!! I’m going to - “
“You’re not going to do anything.” Jin interrupted him, feeling too tired to deal with this right now, and Ueda seemed to listen to him - for now. “I could have thrown him out any time I wanted to, but I didn’t so I guess I’m as guilty as he is.” He added, watching his manager as he took back his place, sitting down and studying Jin with a fierce gaze.
“You were supposed to have a vacation.” Ueda argued and Jin smiled bitterly.
Yeah, he was, but fate had always had a whim to play and it seemed that it liked to play it with Jin more than often. These few days which were supposed to relax him had actually made him even more tensed and edgier as he had come to expected Kazuya to appear any second now next to him.
“It’s weird, you know?” Jin laughed and passed his hands over his face, growling lowly and heavily. “He didn’t want to have anything to do with me at first and he used to avoid me when he was my assistant - basically as he had done since he had come back to Japan.” He said with a hurtful voice, the images from the past circling in his mind and in front of his eyes, remembering every moment spent with Kazuya, every time they had been locked into the bathroom and every kiss they had shared until the younger one had finally accepted him. The playful touches in the morning that always meant something more, but none of them were aware of at the beginning, the jealousy between them and the moments when their important ones had found out about them - all of this seemed so far away now. “And now…” Jin suppressed a sob, “now he’s so desperate that he made me snap to sleep with him. And it didn’t change anything in the end, our relationship is still as broken as ever and I feel even guiltier for being with him just to hurt him.” he cried, a part of him still not being able to believe that he had actually hurt the younger one - physically.
“Jin…” Ueda called his name, sitting up and taking the other one into his arms, feeling his heart breaking for seeing his best friend in such a state.
“I was desperate too, you know?” Jin continued, feeling that he couldn’t stop now that he had started. “I was also desperate to win him back and I did a lot of stupid things for that like kidnapping him and taking his part in the movie to act it with him…” he trailed off and closed his eyes as he took a deep breath and tried to control himself. “But he’s different.” Jin stated with a quiet voice, his body slightly trembling into Ueda’s arms as he remembered the expression Kazuya had had when he had begged Jin to make love with him one more time before hating him.
“It’s okay, Jin.” It was the only thing Ueda could say, pushing Jin away from him and looking into his eyes, cupping his cheeks and smiling lightly at him. “You’ll find someone else.” He added, leaning down and gently kissing Jin’s lips.
The younger one laughed again. Everything had changed and the past seemed to be the farthest away from him than it had ever been. He had done a lot of crazy stuff for Kazuya and had even cut his ties with Ryo for the time being, but Kazuya… he was using lies. He lied to Jin, he lied to his mother and he lied to everyone.
How could Jin trust him now?
“He’s not my Kazuya anymore.” He stated and clung to Ueda, wanting to simply forget everything.
*
He was trying to get some sleep when he heard the doorbell. Kazuya sighed and got off the bed, not wanting anything more than to go back and forget about everything that had happened these past few days. It had only been a few hours since he had gotten back from Jin’s parents’ house and Kazuya wanted some peace for the time being to be able to go forward and not care that Jin was still treating him like he was the worst.
But then again, maybe he was.
The last thing that he expected to see when he opened the door was Ueda’s face smiling arrogantly at him and looking at Kazuya with an expression that screamed how pissed he actually was. The older one didn’t wait for an invitation and just pushed the other one aside, entering the apartment and letting his gaze travel around him to inspect the house Kazuya lived in.
“Hm,” Ueda smirked, “not bad.”
Kazuya arched an eyebrow and let the door close with a loud thud behind, following Ueda inside the house. “Hello to you too.” He said with a polite voice, though you could sense the slight annoyance in it. He wasn’t really in the mood for anyone. Well, maybe except for Jin.
Ueda didn’t notice anything or the sort or if he did, he pretended not to see it. He continued to smile in an innocent way though the color and intensity of his eyes clearly told that he wasn’t joking anymore. “It seems that you’ve forgotten something.” The older one said, his voice low and dangerously sweet as his eyes now studied Kazuya’s form this time.
Kazuya arched an eyebrow and the words rolled off his lips before he could think them through. “What? Manners?” He smiled politely, giving a little bow. “Excuse me then. But do have a seat having already barged in like you own the place. Want some coffee? Or maybe tea?” He continued, showing for the first time to Ueda that he could be rude as anyone else. Though Kazuya made it more elegantly, not so straightforwardly like others. “So what it will be?”
“You never had manners from the first place.” Ueda quickly dismissed the problem, not feeling guilty or even affected by the younger one’s words. Because now that he knew the whole story, he also knew how the younger had acted with Jin when he had first met him, disrespecting him or treating him like any other person even if he was his boss. If there was anyone who should know something about manners - and respect - then it clearly wasn’t Ueda. “But I’m not here to teach you how you should act with others.” The older one continued, changing the subject as he didn’t want to linger in that house too much. Just the fact that Ryo had been the one to buy it gave him shivers. “I’m here to remind you about our little talk from the first time we saw each other.” He then added with a tilt of his head and the same cold smile plastered on his lips. “About what I warned you back then and you had chosen to ignore it.” Ueda said and this time his voice was sharp and imposing, his eyes narrowed and his lips a thin line.
The young actor gritted his teeth. Who was he to come in his house and tell him what he was supposed to do when it came to Jin?! “And don’t tell me.” He said with a melodramatic voice. “You’re here to punish me. Heck, go ahead.” Kazuya chuckled as if Ueda could do nothing to him. “But it won’t keep me away from Jin.” He said with a defiant voice as he crossed his arms and confronted the other one. After all, what could a manager do? They had never been lovers, so Jin had no obligations towards him. Maybe they had slept together, but Kazuya preferred to dismiss such ideas. He wanted to believe Jin hadn’t touched another man the way he had done with him. He wanted to believe that he was the only one for Jin.
“I’m not here to punish you, stupid kid.” Ueda growled, coming closer to Kazuya and taking one small step at a time. “This isn’t a warning anymore.” He added and stopped at a few inches from the younger one, lifting his hand and cupping Kazuya’s cheeks with a strong and angry grasp. “Stay away from Jin or I’ll make sure to destroy your life.” he threatened.
Kazuya lifted his chin a little, though Ueda’s grasp sort of stopped him from doing anymore than this. He narrowed his eyes and a mocking smile bloomed on his beautiful face. “Then destroy it.” The actor provoked, his hand gripping Ueda’s wrist tightly. “I won’t stay away from Jin no matter what others say. I made a mistake and I intend to repair it and win Jin back.” He continued, his voice having a deep and determined tone. “So your threats won’t work on me.” Kazuya smiled with a serene expression, showing just how much his life mattered in comparison with Jin. It didn’t matter because Jin meant everything, he had lived without him for far too long and he wasn’t backing away just because some manager came to him and told him to stay away. Such threats were useless against him.
“You made more than one mistake, you idiot!” Ueda hissed as he tightened his grasp on the younger one’s chin only to push him away with disgust after a couple of seconds. “You made a mistake when you left that morning three years ago.” He said and it was obvious that he was barely containing his anger, his voice betraying his feelings even if his face was half expressionless. “You made a mistake when you decided to take Ryo with you.” The older one continued and you could see how wrong this all seemed for him, the fact that Kazuya had made even Jin’s best friend betray him because of a stupid night together. “You made another mistake when you decided to return. You made a mistake when you crossed Jin’s way for the second time. You made a mistake when you rejected him for so long only to be now crawling back to his feet. You made the stupidest mistake to follow him at his parents’ house and stay there under some pretext that you’re lost.” Ueda said all of this from one breath, not stopping one second but raising his tone more and more as he presented the events from the past and the present. “Can’t you see? Jin doesn’t want you anymore. Even if he doesn’t hate you, what he wants most now is not to have to see you again. And you pretend to love him now?” he snorted, the amusement resounding in his voice. “Please, you don’t know what love is. If you knew, you would have stayed away from Jin and his friends a long time ago.” Ueda narrowed his eyes and looked at Kazuya with a murderous gaze.
Kazuya’s face was paler than normal, but as he spoke his voice was steady and calm. “Thank you for your wonderful presentation of my life.” He said with a cold voice, his eyes being the only thing that showed just how much Ueda had managed to hurt him. Like he didn’t know all this, like he didn’t know what mistakes he had done. Apparently, Ueda felt necessary that he should remind him again. “I see that you’ve done your homework well, but unfortunately I can’t give you full marks.” Kazuya continued as he smiled a little, but it was too wry to be considered as such. Maybe Ueda knew everything that happened between him and Jin, but he only knew one side of the story. It wasn’t just Jin who suffered because of his own mistake, but Kazuya too. Both of them had suffered, but only one was guilty. “No matter how much Jin will tell you about us, you will never understand.” The actor said, knowing perfectly well how true this was. An outsider will never grasp the true situation between two lovers. He could only guess or give an opinion.
Ueda laughed, sounding mocking and his voice was half pitying Kazuya as he spoke again. “Don’t flatter yourself, I don’t give a damn about you.” He spat the words as he looked at the younger one with disgust clear in his eyes. Kazuya was the one who didn’t understand, he didn’t understand Ueda’s reasons, why he was there and why he was even bothering to deal with someone like him. “I don’t care if you really love Jin.” He said and once again took a step towards the other one, his eyes intimidating and accusing. “I don’t care if you really thought that he had just messed up with you and that’s why you left. I don’t even care if you’ve suffered as much as him or even more.” Ueda confessed, feeling that he wanted to sigh because this was making him tired and snarky. “What I really care,” he continued as he now stood at a few inches from Kazuya, their eyes locked and their breaths too close, “is that you’ve made Jin suffer and now you’re still here. Jin is the only one that matters for me, not a fool like you who can’t even trust the one he loves.”
Kazuya gritted his teeth as he looked back at Ueda with defiant eyes. “I will always be here.” He said with the same determined voice as earlier, showing that he was not impressed by Ueda’s threats. “No matter what you say, I won’t leave this time.” The younger one continued with a fierce expression. “But you’ve made your point, now you can leave. I listened enough.” Kazuya added and took a step behind, pointing his arm at the door, showing Ueda the way. It was enough, he didn’t need anyone - especially a stranger - to come and say that he had been a fool for not trusting Jin and his love, he didn’t need such shit right now. He was already blaming himself, he had already admitted to have been a total idiot three years ago and a total jerk in present too. But this was his damn business, not another’s one.
“Even if you won’t leave…” Ueda added as he headed to the door, the light and playful smile back on his lips, “I’ll make you do it eventually.” He said as he turned his head to look over his shoulder at Kazuya. “Jin is mine now and I’m not going to let you hurt him even more.” He smiled and waved like they were friends, turning to leave the apartment.
“Well, do try your best to make me leave.” Kazuya said with a cheerful voice as he watched Ueda heading for the exit. “And we’ll see to whom Jin belongs.” He added with a confident tone, knowing perfectly that no matter what this man would say, Jin’s love for him won’t fade away that easily. After all, Jin had searched for him for three years, it wasn’t like one day he’d fall out of love so quickly. And, even if they were sleeping together, it meant nothing. Even if it hurt, it had to mean nothing. “So, bye-bye!” Kazuya wriggled his fingers with a slight tilt of his head and a sweet smile. The sooner Ueda left his house, the better. He hadn’t been in the mood for anyone - especially for someone like Ueda - and his patience was running thin.
Ueda shook his head as he stopped in the door’s frame. He should have known that Kazuya won’t understand, but at least he had been warned. He was now free to do whatever he wanted and a lot of that meant pain and suffering for the younger one. “Next time you’ll see Jin, you’ll know that it’s already impossible for you too.” He said and then turned a little more, his index finger pointing to a spot near his collarbone. “I’ll mark it for you to understand.” He added with a serious and half threatening voice, moving his finger on the place he had showed, meaning to say that Kazuya should pay more attention to a certain spot on Jin’s body next time he’ll see him.
“I wish you luck.” Ueda ended and finally left the apartment, the door closing behind him.
Kazuya could only stare at it and wonder that the older one had meant with that.
PART TWO