FIC: "Cold Heart" 2/2 (Due South/Twin Peaks Xover Fraser/Vecchio, Fraser/Cooper NC-17 Slash)
Continued from "Cold Heart" (1/2)
For Notes, Warnings, Ratings, and Disclaimers, please see Part 1.
Cold Heart (2/2)
The next morning, before Ray even got out of bed, Fraser phoned the house from the Consulate, leaving a message that he wouldn't need a ride to work that morning. In fact, he wouldn't need a ride tomorrow, or a ride home either, thank you kindly, Ray.
Ray scowled darkly at the answering machine, wrapping his robe tighter around himself as he hit the button to listen to the messages again. When the tape had finished, he rewound and erased it, not needing to hear it any more. Fraser was really bad at this. He might as well have shouted "I'm avoiding you, Ray Vecchio." It might be easier on them both if he had.
Still, with the Mountie Taxi Service free from his schedule, he made it to work nearly five minutes early, and was treated to a feigned heart attack from Elaine as she stared from him to the clock.
"Very funny, Elaine," he snarled, and snatched his messages from her as he stalked past. "I suppose that means you haven't run that DMV search I asked for?"
"You suppose wrong," she said, and nodded to his desk. "It's right there, right on top of all the other grunt jobs you asked me to do."
"Thanks," he muttered, and slouched off to his desk, dropping the messages in the trash on the way. His phone started ringing as soon as he sat down, and he snatched it off the cradle, barking, "Vecchio!" into the receiver.
"Good morning, Detective. Dale Cooper here."
For a second, Ray just stared at the phone, sure he'd heard it wrong. Probably the last person in the world that Ray wanted to talk to at this particular moment, and here he was. "Yeah," Ray finally said ungraciously. "What do you want?"
"I've been thinking about the Crosetti case. I have an idea about the similarities. I wondered if you'd have time today to have lunch with me and discuss it."
*Sure, love to sit and sip coffee with the guy that broke my best friend's heart.* "Gee, sorry, Cooper, but I'm kind of tied up here, can't break away."
"Oh. Well, perhaps I could come by and drop off my notes. I'd really like your input."
Benny, Ray was certain, could have come up with the perfect word to describe the conflicting sensations he was experiencing. He wished he was here to do it, because Ray wasn't having any luck. On the one hand, he'd be just as happy never to see Dale Cooper's perfect face again. But on the other hand, the cop in him was dying to see him again, to look at him and try to figure out what the hell Benny saw in him.
"Look," he heard himself say, "Maybe I could tear away for a quick lunch after all. Maybe around one."
"All right. I'll pick you up then." Cooper hung up.
Once the phone was back in the cradle, Ray found that he was actually relieved. It wasn't a bad idea, at that. Have lunch, talk about the case, and if Cooper so much as breathed Benny's name, Ray would be right there face to face to pop him into next week. All and all, not a bad prospect.
-----
By the time one o' clock rolled around, Ray had had a lot of time to think about what he was going to say to Cooper. He'd also had a lot of time to think about why, exactly, he thought that he had any right to say anything to him. It was, as he'd told himself a thousand times, none of his business. Benny might be his best friend, but his personal life still belonged to him. The best thing, Ray told himself firmly, would be to pretend that it didn't happen. Pretend he didn't know, let Cooper think that he thought that he and Fraser were just old friends. Sure.
The decision was made just before it was time to meet Cooper for lunch, and Ray was able to face the prospect of the meal with a new resolve. He cleared off his desk, keeping an eye on the door, and rose to his feet as soon as he saw Cooper's tall, slim profile in the squad room doorway. Ray watched him walk across the room, willing himself to be polite, neutral. Cooper came up to him, holding out his hand, smiling, and all Ray could think, suddenly, was, *This guy made love to Benny.* And the rush of anger nearly floored him where he stood.
If Cooper noticed anything odd in Ray's greeting, he didn't show it. Instead, he reached into his briefcase and produced a folder, which he handed over at once. "Here's a copy of my notes," he said. "I thought it would be best for you to have your own."
Ray couldn't do it. He couldn't sit across a table from this man, and not beat the hell out of him. He took the folder, and with an effort, laid it carefully on his desk. "Thanks," he said shortly, and cleared his throat. "Look, I'm sorry, but I can't make the lunch thing today. Too much to do, you understand." It sounded terrible, even to him, lame and awkward, every word full of lies. And Ray didn't care.
For a long second, Cooper said nothing. Then he dropped his eyes, his breath going out in a soft sigh. "I see." He straightened again, and aimed his eyes at Ray's, as if trying to convey something with the gaze alone. "That's too bad," he said. "Because I really think that you and I need to talk, Detective."
"What about?"
"Ben Fraser."
It was an effort to speak through his suddenly dry mouth. "What about him?" Ray croaked, and winced inwardly.
Cooper cocked his head. "Do you really want to talk about it here? Or should we go eat?"
It took two tries to swallow the lump in his throat. "Okay," Ray finally managed. "Let's go."
-----
They didn't speak until they were settled in the booth at the diner, until the waitress had taken their orders for coffee and bustled off. Cooper busied himself unwinding the scarf that had covered his face, folding it neatly on top of his coat, then turned and placed his hands on the table between them. "I'll come straight to the point," he said, his voice pitched low under the conversation around him, but the tone still clear and firm. "I think that we need to clear the air about what happened last night."
Ray had steeled himself, he thought, for just about anything that Cooper might have to say, but that opening sally stunned him. "What are you talking about?" was the best he could manage, and Cooper sighed.
"About my relationship with Ben." Cooper hesitated, then leaned forward. "I know that this sounds cliched, but I think you deserve to know the truth. Whatever might have happened in the past, whatever might have happened last night, I'd just like to assure you that it's over."
Ray blinked. "Okay," he said slowly, and shook his head. "Look, you don't have to tell me this. I mean, this is between the two of you, right? It's not any of my business."
Cooper regarded him curiously. "I would have thought that it was," he said.
"Yeah, well, Benny's my friend and all, but my interest in his personal life kinda stops at the bedroom door, you know?" Ray lied.
"Oh. I see."
Whatever Cooper might have added to that was forestalled by the arrival of the waitress with their coffee. Cooper picked his up, sipped, and made an approving face.
"So," Ray prompted, and got a blank look. "You said, 'I see,'" Ray reminded. "What was that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing." Cooper paused. "Except . . . ."
"What?" Ray said presently. "Except what?"
Cooper opened his mouth to reply, then shut it and looked again into the depths of his coffee. "I'll be honest. I'm worried about Ben."
"*You're* worried about him?" The words slipped free before Ray could censor them, assuming he even wanted to. "You waltz in here and . . . and--" Ray stalled on the words, then told himself he was being foolish. He was a grown man, for goodness sakes. This was childish. He swallowed, and started over. "You come back here, you screw with his head, you jump in the sack with him, and *now* you're worried about him?"
"Is that how you see it?" Cooper countered quietly. "Honestly?"
That made Ray pause. "Yeah," he said, but he heard the uncertainty in his own voice. "Maybe," he qualified, then plunged on, trying to explain. "This isn't like him," he said. "Maybe you two were a hot item three years ago, but you know, and I know, that if it was really over, he's not the type for one-night reruns. You know he had to be messed up to do what he did. No offense."
"And I made it worse."
Ray didn't answer. Two minutes ago, he'd have agreed without hesitation. But the guilt in Cooper's voice, the genuine, honest concern on his perfect, smooth face, made him a little less eager to jump on the Cooper-guilt bandwagon. "Let's just say I don't think you helped," he said instead.
"I knew better," Cooper agreed. He took the last sip of his coffee, and set the empty cup down. "I thought . . . ." He trailed off, then laughed. "I thought it might help. Help us both," he admitted.
"Well, I think you thought wrong."
"It won't be the first time." Cooper looked wistfully into his empty cup. "Have you ever been there? To the Yukon?"
"Once. First time I met Benny. I went up to help him find his father's killer."
"Then you know."
Ray frowned. "Know what?"
"Know what it's like. Know why he's not happy here. Why he'll never be happy here."
Ray felt a prickle of resentment. "He's fine," he said, conveniently ignoring the worries he'd harbored himself on that very subject. "He's adjusting."
The look in those dark eyes was enough, but Cooper said it anyway. "You don't believe that."
"Well what the hell else am I supposed to believe? In case you haven't noticed, he's stuck here, all right? There's nowhere else for him to go.
That seemed to take Cooper aback. "That's very true," he agreed. He shrugged. "At least he has you." Cooper hesitated again. "Can I ask you something?"
Ray shrugged. "Sure. Why not?"
"You're angry at me, because you think I took advantage of Ben. But I'd like to know: Are you angry because I slept with him, or because he slept with me and not with you?"
For a long time, Ray couldn't answer. "That's a hell of a question," he said, and heard the tight, barely controlled anger in his voice. "And here's the answer. Go to hell." And he got up and walked away.
-----
Fraser avoided Ray for two days. Two days, twenty hours, thirty minutes, not that Ray was counting. Ray let him. If Benny was avoiding him, after all, it saved the Ray the trouble of having to avoid Benny. Not to mention that it gave Dale Cooper time to get the hell out of Chicago.
Cooper had called him the day before he left, to "check up on the case." Yeah. Check up on Ray, more likely, and, indirectly, on Benny. *Well, too bad, Agent Cooper, 'cause I ain't seen him, either.* They hadn't mentioned the conversation at the diner, and after hanging up, Ray began to think that maybe he knew, at least, one thing that Dale Cooper and Benny had in common.
Damn Cooper anyway. Who the hell did he think he was, strolling into their lives, telling them how to feel? Okay, so maybe he and Benny had some history, maybe that gave Cooper some insight that Ray didn't have into Fraser's head. But when he started to try to get inside Ray's head, that was altogether different.
Even if he was right.
It took a solid minute of knocking on Fraser's door before Ray finally heard the shuffle of feet inside, and the inquiring sniff from the other side of the door that showed that Dief, at least, was willing to be curious about visitors. Finally, the flimsy paneled wood swung open, and Benny was staring blankly at him, as if he didn't quite recognize the face that was looking back at him.
It took a moment for Ray to recover from the shock of the sight of his friend. "Hey, Benny, you look like shit," Ray said before he thought. But it was the truth. Fraser's face was unnaturally pale, his damp hair sticking to his forehead, and there were dark, sagging circles under his eyes. He was wearing his red long johns, but they were only half-buttoned, the buttons and holes misaligned as though he'd only just donned them in haste.
"Ray," he said at last, and Ray started as he realized that the other man was actually shivering. That was also when he felt, for the first time, the cold air flowing out of the apartment, colder even than the chilly air in the unheated hall.
"Geez, Benny," he said, pulling his coat tighter around his shoulders. "What's the matter, your heat not working?"
For a second, Fraser looked at him, then glanced back into the apartment, as if checking for himself. "No," he said at last. "It's . . . . I must have not turned it on."
*Yeah, for about two days.* "Uh-huh." Ignoring Benny's feeble protest, he pushed past him into the apartment, shivering as he stepped into the freezing air. No wonder, too. The windows were wide open, all of them, frost dusting the counters and floor with chilly white. Ray turned to face him. "What the hell's going on here, Benny?"
"Nothing. I'm fine, Ray," Fraser said crisply, and moved to the kitchen window. One by one, he closed all the windows, ignoring the bite of the frozen tiles on his bare feet, hardly seeming to feel the frost-furred glass against his hands.
"No, you are not fine, Fraser," Ray snapped. He walked over to the ancient radiator and, with a deft twist, opened the valve. "Sleeping in sub-zero weather with the windows wide open is not fine. What's going on?"
"Nothing." The air in the apartment was nothing compared to the chill in Fraser's voice. "You know perfectly well, Ray, that I'm used to living in a much colder environment."
"Don't give me that bullshit," Ray said harshly. "Last time I checked, you were still the same species as the rest of us Homo sapiens, and unless you've got some secret Inuit immunity, there's only so much cold you can survive."
Fraser regarded him for a long, tense moment, some kind of emotion warring behind his bland expression, something Ray hoped, briefly, would come to the surface, but which in the end stayed buried. "I'm fine," was all he said.
For once, Ray was quicker. He had the Mountie's wrist in an instant, and they both gasped as Ray's warm hand closed around the cold flesh.
"Jesus!" Ray nearly dropped it, but the flash of emotion across Benny's face was enough to make him tighten his grip around the chilled, stiff joint. "I've seen stiffs in the morgue warmer than you."
Futilely, Fraser tried to break the hold, but his numb fingers didn't seem able to obey. "Ray," he said evenly. "Let go. You're hurting me."
"No, I'm not." Ray pitched his voice low, and quiet, knowing that that was the only way, right now, to get through. He raised his other hand, folding Benny's cold fingers between his, watching the other man grimace. "That's just warmth, Benny. Human warmth, okay? It can't hurt you."
Fraser's lips twitched. "That's not always the case," he said tightly. His hand was like ice, the fingers icicles between Ray's palms.
Ray tightened his hold, wrapping two fingers around Benny's wrist, surprised when he felt the other man's pulse beating like a jackhammer under his touch. Fraser was standing perfectly still, his face betraying nothing, showing no emotion. But his heart was racing. "Tell me why you slept with him."
Fraser's mouth opened and shut, twice, the non-sequitur shocking him out of his defiance. "With Dale Cooper?" he finally asked. "Is that important?"
"Yes," Ray said firmly.
"Why?"
"I don't know."
"Well, if you don't know why, Ray, then how do you know it's important?"
"Because it's eating you up inside, that's why. Because you're not acting like you."
"I'm not sure what more I can tell you," Benny said at last. "And I'm still not sure that any of it still matters."
"After the other night, I'd say it matters a lot." Ray's hands were starting to chill, the warmth in them leeching slowly into Benny's body. Yet they stood here, almost chest to chest, having this conversation in this freezing place as though it were the most normal thing in the world. Ray would have liked to sit down, to maybe make Benny some of that boiled grass he liked so much, but he was afraid to move, afraid to break the fragile tableau. "You never did explain what happened," Ray reminded.
"Yes, I did."
"No, you didn't. You told me what you did, but you never said a word about why."
"Yes, I did," Benny repeated stubbornly. "At least, I would have thought that it was obvious."
"Sure, yeah. Thrown together by circumstances, spitting in the teeth of danger, all that crap I can understand. But that doesn't explain why two months later Cooper hauled his ass back to the frozen tundra to spend his vacation with you. Unless you're going to tell me you two slept in separate beds."
Slowly, Fraser lowered his head, staring down at their joined hands. With a gentle tug, he freed himself from Ray's grip, but made no other effort to get away, to put any distance between them. "Why are you doing this, Ray?"
"Because I think you need to know. Whatever it is that went on between you two then, I don't think it's over. You wouldn't have slept with him again if it was."
The smile was so brief, so fleeting, that for a moment Ray wondered if he'd imagined it. "Which begs the question. Why does it matter to you? Not," he added quickly, "that I'm not gratified by your concern, but I would have thought that--" he trailed off.
"Thought what? That I don't care what happens with you?" Ray studied Fraser's face. "Or that I wouldn't care once I found out you were gay."
"I'm not gay."
"Oh, sorry. My mistake."
"It's a common error," Fraser assured him, plowing oblivious over the sarcasm with such Benny-like sincerity that Ray could have cried. "I believe that my sexual orientation is more precisely defined as bisexual rather than homosexual, although the terminology suffers from a lack of--"
"Benny."
He stopped. "Yes, Ray?"
"It doesn't matter to me. All right?"
That seemed to satisfy him. "Fair enough. Thank you, Ray."
"And you still haven't answered me," Ray persisted. "Why'd you do it? Why did you sleep with him? Was it that bad? Are you that lonely?"
For a long time, Benny couldn't seem to find an answer. He looked away, studying the gray skies outside the window with unnecessary absorption. "Yes," he said at last. He turned back. "Yes, I was lonely."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Benny looked back at him, then down at the bare, scrubbed floor. "Perhaps because I didn't think there was anything to tell." He shook his head. "You've been a good friend to me, Ray."
"But you just said you were lonely. Make up your mind."
That caused a faint grimace to pass over Benny's features. "There are different kinds of loneliness, Ray." He waved a hand. "You've provided me with companionship, friendship, loyalty . . . you allow me to help you with your cases, you let me participate in your recreations . . . . You've made this place bearable."
Ray didn't know what to say. On the one hand, it was the first time he'd ever heard Benny say anything quite like that. Heard him actually say the words, that he appreciated Ray's friendship. That he needed it. But at the same time, Fraser was saying that it hadn't been enough. Hadn't been enough to keep him from needing something else. Something that Ray hadn't given him. Or maybe just something he didn't think Ray was able to give.
"But you couldn't have come to me," Ray said.
"It wasn't a deliberate, reasoned decision, Ray. Until I saw Dale Cooper again, I didn't even know what it was that I wanted. If I had . . . . " He trailed off, but didn't finish.
"If you had, what?" Ray prompted. "What would you have done?"
"I don't know."
Ray regarded him for a long, still moment. "I can tell you what I would have done," he said quietly. "If I'd known."
Benny blinked at him curiously. "What?"
"This." And Ray stepped forward, and slowly, carefully, folded Benny into his arms.
For a second, just a second, Fraser leaned into the embrace, then he stiffened, his body going rigid, and tried to pull away. "Ray." His voice was tight, and filled with something that might have been pain. Or longing. "Don't. You don't want to--"
Ray tightened his grip, locking his hands around Fraser's arms. "What?" he said keeping his voice carefully gentle. "What don't I want to do, Benny?"
Benny didn't seem to have an answer. "I don't know," he said at last.
"You let Cooper do this for you," Ray said quietly. "Why him and not me?"
"That . . . ." Benny's voice sounded strained, as if he were having to force himself to speak. "That was different."
"How?"
"It was--That is to say, we were . . . ."
"Friends?" Ray supplied when Fraser's words trailed off. "I thought I was your friend, Benny."
Fraser sighed against him. "You are my best friend," he said softly, but sadly. "But . . . ."
"But what?"
"I don't know," Fraser said helplessly.
Ray waited. "I think I do know." Fraser's head was close to his now, his sleek dark hair just a breath away. Ray tilted his head, letting his lips lightly touch the soft, fine hairs on his neck. Fraser shivered against him. "I think I know," Ray said again. "You can't get cold enough. Can you? All these people, all these new friends. It's hard to keep cold with so many people around. People like me."
"Ray . . . ." Benny's voice was shaking.
Ray ignored him. "Most people know that. That's why we all live in the cities, why we live together. We're all just trying to keep warm. Except you." He kissed his neck again, and Fraser quivered. "Why is that, Benny? Because it hurts?" He felt Fraser's jaw work, felt him breathing raggedly against his shoulder. He didn't answer. Ray turned his head and kissed him on the lips.
Fraser's mouth was soft, and cold, Ray's lips barely warming the chilly skin. But Fraser didn't pull away, didn't break the kiss until Ray did it first. "Did that hurt?" Ray asked.
"Yes," Benny breathed quietly into his mouth, and kissed him back.
Fraser's mouth was even better the second time, the chilly lips warming under Ray's kisses, his tongue tasting faintly of mint. Ray actually felt his knees weaken, the muscles in his thighs turning to water as that tongue slipped into his mouth, teasing him. He tightened his grip on Fraser's waist, afraid that if he let go, his trembling knees wouldn't be able to hold him up. Fraser's arms came around him, crushing him close, and for a long, blissful moment there was nothing in the world but the two of them.
Ray shivered once as Benny slid his coat from his shoulders, but apparently the radiator was still doing its job. That, or the blood that was pounding through Ray's body was enough to keep him from feeling the cold. Then Fraser's hands slid down his back, caressing him through the layers of sweater and undershirt, and Ray felt his whole body shiver.
"Are you cold?" Benny's question was a pulse of heated air against his lips, the soft brush of his mouth as he spoke sending the temperature up another few degrees.
"No," Ray said truthfully. One of Benny's hands slipped under the sweater, spreading over the small of his back, and he felt his knees quiver again.
"Are you sure?" Benny stroked his back again, and Ray realized, incredulously, that he was being teased. "You're trembling." The clever fingers touched him again, rubbing through the thin undershirt. First his lower back, then down, right to the base of his spine, a long, liquid glide of pleasure. Ray gulped a deep breath, and finally found his voice again.
"It's not from the cold, and you damn well know it," he said shakily. The hand on his back made it difficult to think, all his thoughts dropping away to pool somewhere in the vicinity of his belt buckle. He was dimly aware that he hadn't actually planned for this to happen, but now that it was happening, he wouldn't have stopped for anything in the world. As if he even wanted to try.
Benny kissed him again, hard, and Ray felt another few ergs of intelligence slither away. God, he'd never have guessed this, that under that clean-cut Mountie exterior was a man who could kiss like this. He could feel the control of this situation slipping rapidly out of his hands, and he wasn't sure he really cared. He pulled himself closer, wrapping his fingers in the cloth at Fraser's waist, and nearly gasped out loud as his thigh stroked briefly against the long, thick hardness tangled in the loose folds at Fraser's hips. Fraser jerked against him, his hands stilling briefly, and a soft sound escaped from his mouth, almost a whimper. He kissed Ray even harder, and now he was the one trembling.
They broke apart long enough to catch their breath, and anything Ray might have said, or thought of saying, was lost as he caught sight of Fraser's face. The other man's expression was unreadable, his pale eyes darkened with desire, his face flushed with heat. From the way Benny looked at him, Ray knew that he must seem the same. Fraser swallowed once, his lips parting as he lifted a hand to Ray's face, cupping his cheek briefly in his broad palm. But he said nothing, simply kissed him once, gently, then took his hand and led him to the bed.
They got under the covers still mostly clothed, Ray's sweater and shoes the main casualties of the trip across the room, but by the time they arranged themselves on the narrow cot Ray had succeeded in opening Benny's thermals down to his waist, revealing a tantalizing gap of smooth, pale skin. He trailed a finger down the center of Fraser's chest, delighted to hear a soft sigh of pure desire from the other man. He let the finger dip lower, easing between the last buttons, and stroked once over the hard, silky length that strained below.
Fraser closed his eyes, sucking in a deep, quavering breath, the hands on Ray's shoulders convulsing once before he remembered himself and eased his grip. He slipped his hands lower, reaching for the hem of Ray's undershirt, and between the two of them they managed to pull it over Ray's head. Fraser started kissing him the instant his head was free, and it took all Ray's remaining concentration to get his hands in the collar of Benny's thermals and start peeling down. He ran his hands possessively over Benny's back, feeling the hard, firm muscle of his shoulders, the gentle ripples of motion as Benny flexed his arms, pulling Ray against him to kiss him again.
Somehow, they managed to remove the remainder of their clothing without leaving the bed, or letting go of one another for more than a few seconds. Benny was naked first, having only the single garment to dispose of, and Ray thrilled, unbelieving, as he finally stroked his palm over the smooth, hard length of him. *This is Fraser,* he thought. *Benny, my Benny, naked in this bed with me. And god, but he's beautiful.* Then Benny's fingers wrapped around his own shaft, and the moment of appreciation was abruptly subsumed in the hot sizzle of his own desire. He closed his eyes, breathing deep, then opened them to find Benny staring right at him, a sweet, knowing smile curving his lips. Ray squeezed a little harder, and had the pleasure of seeing Benny's eyes glaze briefly, the smile slipping for a moment into a soft, breathless gasp of pure desire. Ray did it again, and this time leaned forward to steal the gasp from his lips.
Time slipped by, unnoticed, while they kissed there on the bed, slowly fitting their bodies together, twining together in a tight clench of arms and legs. Ray ran his hands over Benny's short hair, trying to tangle his fingers in it, to pull the other man's mouth closer even as they kissed. Then Benny's strong, thick fingers found their own grip in Ray's hair, sealing them together in a hot, hard kiss, and that was enough. For a while.
Gradually, though, Benny's kisses began to change, growing slower, and deeper, each kiss lingering longer and longer until Ray thought he might go insane. Benny now seemed determined to slowly explore every inch of Ray's mouth, his teeth, lips, and tongue working in a delicious tandem until Ray was gasping for breath, hands curving helplessly over the broad back. He'd never been kissed like this in his life, never been so thoroughly opened, investigated, and tasted, as if he were some kind of strange new delicacy for Benny to enjoy. Every bit of the other man's formidable attention was now focused on him, intent, it seemed, on drawing out every scrap of sensation from the kiss.
And now it wasn't just Ray's mouth anymore. Benny's lips began to stray, dropping warm, light kisses on his cheeks, his eyes, his forehead, moving down to caress the line of his jaw, to nip gently at the lobe of his ear. And now his tongue, too, darting out to touch at the crease of his neck, at the corners of his eyes, tender, delicate licks, like Ray was being stroked softly with an electric wire. Benny touched his tongue to the corner of his mouth, then to the tip of his nose, and then ducked down to lick his neck, slow patient strokes traveling up to his jaw, then to his ear. *He's tasting me,* Ray finally realized, and the thought sent a shivering thread of fire down his spine, straight to his already hard cock. He closed his eyes as Benny's tongue gently mapped the secret curves of his ear, each prod trailing another thrill of delight down his body. *He's going to taste me, all over, just like he tastes every damn thing he finds. Oh, god, I'm never going to be able to watch him lick mud again . . . .*
Benny was kissing his throat now, wet, open-mouthed kisses, breathing deeply as he buried his nose in the crook of Ray's neck, whiffing gently up his nape to tickle the back of his neck with his breath. Another lazy lick at the soft hairs below his hairline, then Benny was rolling him on his back to lick at his collarbone, his tongue darting to taste the thin pulse at the hollow of his throat, licking up the sweat that had pooled there. He shifted down, straddling Ray's thighs to press his face to the center of Ray's chest, drawing air deeply into his lungs. He spread his hands over Ray's chest, palms settling warmly over his pectorals, fingers splaying down his sides as he caressed him, then carefully, delicately, tasted each nipple, biting gently until Ray heard an embarrassingly vocal moan escape his own lips. Benny licked him one last time, then moved his hand, sliding over to take Ray's arm and lift it away from his body, pulling up until he could lean forward and trail his tongue up the line of Ray's ribs, not stopping until he was pressed into the soft dark hairs under his arm, his nose breathing deep of Ray's scent.
"Oh, God." Ray wasn't even aware that he'd spoken, not until he heard the echo of his own voice in the quiet room. Benny, ignoring him, took Ray's free hand and repeated the motion, pinning Ray's wrists on the pillow, holding him while he explored under the other arm, his expression rapt, as if he'd forgotten Ray's presence, forgotten everything but learning the scent and taste of this curious new creature in front of him. His single-minded absorption in Ray's body was almost frightening, might have been frightening, except that it was also one of the most incredibly erotic things Ray had ever experienced.
When Benny finally released him, having explored his fill, Ray knew what was coming next. The first delicate lick over the tip of his cock was like a match touched to a fuse, a long, slow burn of pure need. And the burn only deepened, spreading hotly through Ray's groin as Benny probed again into the tiny slit, lingering until he had gathered every drop. Ray's balls were next, the heated tongue rasping over the cool, taut sacs, then the nose nuzzling underneath to breath deeply of the scents between his legs. Another long, slow lick up the crease of his thigh, and then Benny buried his face in the soft, wiry curls at his groin, breathing open-mouthed as his hands mapped the curves of Ray's hips. Ray's whole body was alive, tingling from the touch of Benny's mouth, not a single part of him now that Benny didn't know. And Ray looked at his friend, looked at his face, and his body, and down to the powerful erection that rose from his hips, and knew that this wouldn't be over until he had Benny inside him. He'd never wanted it before, and now, suddenly, he wanted it more than he'd ever wanted anything in his life.
But he didn't say it, not yet. Instead, he swallowed, trying to control his ragged, harsh breathing as he asked, "So, you think you've figured out who I am by now?"
That got him a long, slow smile, and a nod. "I think so," Benny said, and lifted his head, prowling slowly up the length of Ray's body to kiss him on the lips. "Yes," he said softly, when they parted. "I think I know you."
When Benny finally slipped inside him, Ray thought for a moment that he was going to pass out. He couldn't seem to remember how to breathe, and only Benny's soft voice in his ear allowed him to suck air into his lungs before the blackness overwhelmed him. Then Benny shifted against him, pushing in a little more, and Ray forgot how to breathe all over again. His hands were digging into Benny's shoulders, that familiar broad back his only lifeline, his only connection, now, to the world outside his own body. Dimly, he heard Benny asking if he was all right, and that made him laugh, the instant before he lunged up, capturing Benny's mouth, gasping as his own movement shifted Benny's length inside him. Then Benny started to move on his own, pushing against him, and that was all that Ray needed.
It was better than he could ever have hoped for, hot and hard and wonderful, the tight join of their bodies more delicious than he would have imagined in his wildest dreams. His own cock was untouched, jerking stiffly across his belly with every thrust, but Ray knew that in a couple of seconds he was going to come anyway, come from nothing more than the sweet friction of Benny's cock inside him. He wouldn't have thought it possible, not until the room around him dissolved in a sudden flood of red, his body arching off the bed as he came, the orgasm flooding through his body like a river bursting its banks, leaving him drowning and gasping on the ruin of Benny's sheets, lying limp as he felt, unbelieving, the incredible sensation of Benny coming inside him a second later.
He forced his eyes open, knowing that he had to see, that he had to know what was on Benny's face at that moment. His gasp made Benny's eyes fly open, the rapture on his face fading so quickly into concern that Ray could have strangled himself for spoiling that perfect moment of abstracted joy.
"Oh, God, Ray, did I hurt you?" Benny panted, and started to pull back, and would have succeeded if Ray hadn't grabbed him, forcing him to stay still.
"No, no. God, no. You didn't hurt me." Ray found his own breath, just enough to risk another kiss, one which Benny returned enthusiastically, slowly lowering himself onto Ray's chest. Ray parted from him only reluctantly, loving the soft, sweet sounds they made as they kissed, loving, too, the heavy warmth of Benny's body on top of him, a warm, sweaty, Mountie blanket of his very own.
But finally, Benny pulled away, sucking in a slow, long breath, his elbows propped on either side of Ray's chest. His eyes were still closed, and he lowered his head to Ray's shoulder, hiding his face in the crook of Ray's neck. Ray waited. And waited. "Well?" he said at last.
It took a moment for Benny to reply, his lips moving warmly against the slowly cooling skin of Ray's throat. "Well, what, Ray?"
"Aren't you going to say it?"
Apparently, Benny was enjoying the sensation his mouth was creating against Ray's neck, because he continued to kiss him even as he spoke, punctuating his words with soft touches of his lips against Ray's skin. "Say what, Ray?"
"I don't know. 'My God, what have I done?' or, 'Gee, I just screwed my best friend.' or 'Oh, dear.'"
"I wasn't planning on it." Now Benny's tongue was exploring again, carefully tracing the line of Ray's jaw. "You know, you have the most amazing scent, Ray . . . ."
"I don't believe this."
"It's true." Benny buried his face in Ray's neck again. "It's very . . . enticing."
"We are not talking about the way I smell," Ray said firmly, although the sensation of Benny's mouth on his damp skin was making him wonder if that was such a bad idea after all.
"Very well." And Ray squeaked as Benny licked his neck again. "We can talk about the way you taste . . . ."
"Benny!"
"I'm sorry, Ray," Benny said, not sounding sorry in the least, and without stopping what he was doing.
With an effort, Ray pushed Benny away, lifting him up until he could look straight into those brilliant eyes, now soft and dreamy in the aftermath of sex. The sight was enough to make him forget, temporarily at least, what he'd been about to say, but the realization that he was looking into the face of his newfound lover was enough to return him to the subject at hand. "Benny," he said quietly but firmly. "Don't you think we need to talk?"
Slowly, Benny shook his head, a small smile creeping over his lips. "No," he drawled. "I don't."
"You don't?" Ray reached up, idly pushing a hand over Benny's sweat-damp bangs, then tracing the soft lines of his mouth with a tender finger.
"Nope." Benny opened his lips, closing his teeth lightly on the tip of the finger, sucking gently until Ray tugged it away. Deprived of the finger, Benny simply turned his head into Ray's shoulder, kissing him sleepily, his eyes half-closed. "Please," he breathed softly into his skin, and Ray felt shivers go down his spine. He kissed him again, then lifted his head and fastened his mouth over Ray's, capturing him in a long, leisurely kiss. "Later," he said quietly against Ray's lips, and Ray decided to stop arguing. Benny was right. Later would be soon enough.
-----
"I wanted him to stay."
Benny's voice came out of the dark, soft and sleepy. His arm was a heavy weight around Ray's body, his voice a deep rumble in Ray's ear. Ray, pillowed comfortably against Benny's chest, didn't answer right away.
"You don't have to tell me this, Benny," Ray said at last, sleepily, not daring to move from the soft circle of Benny's arms, not sure he ever wanted to. "I don't have to know."
"Maybe. Maybe not." After a moment, Fraser went on. "When he came to me . . . . " Fraser swallowed. "I thought he might stay. Forever. I think he did, too."
Muzzily, Ray blinked the sleep from his eyes, determined, now, to at least listen. "What happened?" he prompted gently.
It took a long time for Fraser to get the words out. "I don't know," he said helplessly. "God knows I wanted--" He broke off. "We could have fallen in love." He paused again. "Easily."
"But you didn't." And Ray was ashamed at the sudden flood of relief.
"No. It was too--" Fraser broke off again, and turned to stare out into the darkness, his jaw working briefly. And the pain in his voice was like a stab in Ray's own heart. "In the end, it was easier to stay . . . cold. And alone. It was safer." Benny drew in a deep breath. "But I thought about it, thought about going back with him, to San Francisco."
"What did he say?"
The silence stretched so long that Ray wondered if Benny was ever going to answer. "I never asked him," he finally said, and his hands moved convulsively to grip Ray's shoulders, unconsciously pulling him closer. "I never gave him the chance."
"You were afraid he'd say no?"
Benny hugged him again. "I was afraid that he would say yes. So, I didn't say anything. And I let him leave."
"Did you love him?" It came out suddenly, unsteadily, and Ray hated himself the instant the question was asked. But he didn't take it back.
Uncomfortably, Benny cleared his throat. "Well, that's a complex question, Ray--"
"No, it isn't," Ray said, feeling his sleepiness turning to exasperation. "It's a very simple question. Yes or no, did you love him?"
Benny paused again. "You know, Ray, the Greeks had seven different--"
Ray closed his eyes. "Benny," he said warningly. "Did you love him or not, goddammit."
For a long time, Benny was silent, his big hands still moving slowly over Ray's body, caressing him. "Ray--" he began, and stopped, bringing up one hand to rub his eyebrow. "Do you think that I could have made love to him if I didn't?" he finally asked quietly.
Ray let out his breath in a long, slow sigh. "Okay," he said. "That's what I thought." He turned into Benny's body, finding the warm curve of his shoulder, settling his cheek into the soft, smooth skin. He lay there for a long time, breathing the clean, musky scent from Fraser's skin, feeling their bodies settle and shift, like two pieces of a puzzle fitting perfectly together. And finally, he found his voice again.
"So what's the difference between Cooper and me? If there is one." He waited. "I mean, you made love to him." He paused. "You made love to me. What's the difference?"
Benny stroked Ray's hair, just a light brush of his fingers over the smooth strands. "Is that what you wanted to talk about?"
"Yeah," Ray admitted. "Maybe."
Slowly, Benny shifted under him, bringing his leg up to curve over Ray's hip. "I'm not sure what to say."
"Just try, Benny, okay?"
"Okay." Benny drew in a deep breath. "When Dale and I met, I'd been alone a long time, Ray."
"I know."
"In a way," he continued, as if Ray hadn't spoken, "it's safer to be alone. There's no one to depend on you, no one to get close to you . . . ."
"No one who can hurt you," Ray put in, and felt Benny still underneath him.
"Yes," he said presently, and his arms tightened around Ray's body. "When Dale and I became . . . lovers, we were both afraid to let it go any farther. We tried, but we couldn't. I couldn't," he amended softly. "I knew he could hurt me," Fraser went on. "If I let him." He drew in a deep breath. "The pain wasn't worth the risk, for either of us." Fraser shifted again, and Ray felt his lips touch the top of his head, his forehead, his temples, and then Benny was speaking softly, his words breathed into Ray's skin. "The first time I met you," he said quietly. "I knew. You were so hot--" He kissed him. "--so alive. I knew you could hurt me. I knew you could burn me alive. And I didn't care." He kissed him again. "You were worth the risk, Ray."
Ray didn't know what to say. "I wish I could say I was sorry," he finally offered. "About Cooper. But that's a damn lie." He lifted up, seeking Benny's mouth in the dark. When they parted, he touched Benny's face, stroking softly down his cheek. "If things had worked out with you two, then I wouldn't be here, right now. So I ain't sorry."
"I don't expect you to be, Ray."
For a long moment, Ray tried to search his face, tried to read his expression in the darkness. "But you're sorry, aren't you? For him."
"He's a good man," Benny said quietly. "He deserves . . . someone."
"Yeah." Ray kissed him. "So do you." He kissed him again. "So do I." Ray traced the shape of Benny's face, trailing over his soft, full lips, feeling Benny try to kiss his fingers, to catch them. "He'll be all right, Benny."
"I know," Benny said against his fingers, and kissed them softly. "Ray--" he started, then stopped as Ray put a hand over his mouth.
"No," he said quietly. "Let's go to sleep, all right? Unless it's something earthshattering, it can wait until morning."
When Ray released him, Fraser nodded. "All right," he agreed, and Ray felt Benny's mouth shape into a smile. "It's nothing you didn't already know, anyway," Fraser said, and Ray settled back into his arms.
"Yeah," Ray said, and let his eyes close, a smile playing over his face. "I know, Benny. Good-night."
-----
Fraser woke early, while it was still dark outside, not even a hint of dawn to be seen. It was a habit he'd not been able to break yet, waking up just now to get up and stoke the fire, an unnecessary precaution in this gas-heated building. Unnecessary, too, with Ray's warm, naked body pressed so close to him under the blankets. They were tangled up together beneath the covers, a wonderful disarray of arms and legs and bodies, touching each other everywhere they possibly could. Comfortable. Safe. Warm. Fraser closed his eyes, wrapped his arms around Ray's body, and slid back into sleep.
THE END
For Notes, Warnings, Ratings, and Disclaimers, please see Part 1.
Cold Heart (2/2)
The next morning, before Ray even got out of bed, Fraser phoned the house from the Consulate, leaving a message that he wouldn't need a ride to work that morning. In fact, he wouldn't need a ride tomorrow, or a ride home either, thank you kindly, Ray.
Ray scowled darkly at the answering machine, wrapping his robe tighter around himself as he hit the button to listen to the messages again. When the tape had finished, he rewound and erased it, not needing to hear it any more. Fraser was really bad at this. He might as well have shouted "I'm avoiding you, Ray Vecchio." It might be easier on them both if he had.
Still, with the Mountie Taxi Service free from his schedule, he made it to work nearly five minutes early, and was treated to a feigned heart attack from Elaine as she stared from him to the clock.
"Very funny, Elaine," he snarled, and snatched his messages from her as he stalked past. "I suppose that means you haven't run that DMV search I asked for?"
"You suppose wrong," she said, and nodded to his desk. "It's right there, right on top of all the other grunt jobs you asked me to do."
"Thanks," he muttered, and slouched off to his desk, dropping the messages in the trash on the way. His phone started ringing as soon as he sat down, and he snatched it off the cradle, barking, "Vecchio!" into the receiver.
"Good morning, Detective. Dale Cooper here."
For a second, Ray just stared at the phone, sure he'd heard it wrong. Probably the last person in the world that Ray wanted to talk to at this particular moment, and here he was. "Yeah," Ray finally said ungraciously. "What do you want?"
"I've been thinking about the Crosetti case. I have an idea about the similarities. I wondered if you'd have time today to have lunch with me and discuss it."
*Sure, love to sit and sip coffee with the guy that broke my best friend's heart.* "Gee, sorry, Cooper, but I'm kind of tied up here, can't break away."
"Oh. Well, perhaps I could come by and drop off my notes. I'd really like your input."
Benny, Ray was certain, could have come up with the perfect word to describe the conflicting sensations he was experiencing. He wished he was here to do it, because Ray wasn't having any luck. On the one hand, he'd be just as happy never to see Dale Cooper's perfect face again. But on the other hand, the cop in him was dying to see him again, to look at him and try to figure out what the hell Benny saw in him.
"Look," he heard himself say, "Maybe I could tear away for a quick lunch after all. Maybe around one."
"All right. I'll pick you up then." Cooper hung up.
Once the phone was back in the cradle, Ray found that he was actually relieved. It wasn't a bad idea, at that. Have lunch, talk about the case, and if Cooper so much as breathed Benny's name, Ray would be right there face to face to pop him into next week. All and all, not a bad prospect.
-----
By the time one o' clock rolled around, Ray had had a lot of time to think about what he was going to say to Cooper. He'd also had a lot of time to think about why, exactly, he thought that he had any right to say anything to him. It was, as he'd told himself a thousand times, none of his business. Benny might be his best friend, but his personal life still belonged to him. The best thing, Ray told himself firmly, would be to pretend that it didn't happen. Pretend he didn't know, let Cooper think that he thought that he and Fraser were just old friends. Sure.
The decision was made just before it was time to meet Cooper for lunch, and Ray was able to face the prospect of the meal with a new resolve. He cleared off his desk, keeping an eye on the door, and rose to his feet as soon as he saw Cooper's tall, slim profile in the squad room doorway. Ray watched him walk across the room, willing himself to be polite, neutral. Cooper came up to him, holding out his hand, smiling, and all Ray could think, suddenly, was, *This guy made love to Benny.* And the rush of anger nearly floored him where he stood.
If Cooper noticed anything odd in Ray's greeting, he didn't show it. Instead, he reached into his briefcase and produced a folder, which he handed over at once. "Here's a copy of my notes," he said. "I thought it would be best for you to have your own."
Ray couldn't do it. He couldn't sit across a table from this man, and not beat the hell out of him. He took the folder, and with an effort, laid it carefully on his desk. "Thanks," he said shortly, and cleared his throat. "Look, I'm sorry, but I can't make the lunch thing today. Too much to do, you understand." It sounded terrible, even to him, lame and awkward, every word full of lies. And Ray didn't care.
For a long second, Cooper said nothing. Then he dropped his eyes, his breath going out in a soft sigh. "I see." He straightened again, and aimed his eyes at Ray's, as if trying to convey something with the gaze alone. "That's too bad," he said. "Because I really think that you and I need to talk, Detective."
"What about?"
"Ben Fraser."
It was an effort to speak through his suddenly dry mouth. "What about him?" Ray croaked, and winced inwardly.
Cooper cocked his head. "Do you really want to talk about it here? Or should we go eat?"
It took two tries to swallow the lump in his throat. "Okay," Ray finally managed. "Let's go."
-----
They didn't speak until they were settled in the booth at the diner, until the waitress had taken their orders for coffee and bustled off. Cooper busied himself unwinding the scarf that had covered his face, folding it neatly on top of his coat, then turned and placed his hands on the table between them. "I'll come straight to the point," he said, his voice pitched low under the conversation around him, but the tone still clear and firm. "I think that we need to clear the air about what happened last night."
Ray had steeled himself, he thought, for just about anything that Cooper might have to say, but that opening sally stunned him. "What are you talking about?" was the best he could manage, and Cooper sighed.
"About my relationship with Ben." Cooper hesitated, then leaned forward. "I know that this sounds cliched, but I think you deserve to know the truth. Whatever might have happened in the past, whatever might have happened last night, I'd just like to assure you that it's over."
Ray blinked. "Okay," he said slowly, and shook his head. "Look, you don't have to tell me this. I mean, this is between the two of you, right? It's not any of my business."
Cooper regarded him curiously. "I would have thought that it was," he said.
"Yeah, well, Benny's my friend and all, but my interest in his personal life kinda stops at the bedroom door, you know?" Ray lied.
"Oh. I see."
Whatever Cooper might have added to that was forestalled by the arrival of the waitress with their coffee. Cooper picked his up, sipped, and made an approving face.
"So," Ray prompted, and got a blank look. "You said, 'I see,'" Ray reminded. "What was that supposed to mean?"
"Nothing." Cooper paused. "Except . . . ."
"What?" Ray said presently. "Except what?"
Cooper opened his mouth to reply, then shut it and looked again into the depths of his coffee. "I'll be honest. I'm worried about Ben."
"*You're* worried about him?" The words slipped free before Ray could censor them, assuming he even wanted to. "You waltz in here and . . . and--" Ray stalled on the words, then told himself he was being foolish. He was a grown man, for goodness sakes. This was childish. He swallowed, and started over. "You come back here, you screw with his head, you jump in the sack with him, and *now* you're worried about him?"
"Is that how you see it?" Cooper countered quietly. "Honestly?"
That made Ray pause. "Yeah," he said, but he heard the uncertainty in his own voice. "Maybe," he qualified, then plunged on, trying to explain. "This isn't like him," he said. "Maybe you two were a hot item three years ago, but you know, and I know, that if it was really over, he's not the type for one-night reruns. You know he had to be messed up to do what he did. No offense."
"And I made it worse."
Ray didn't answer. Two minutes ago, he'd have agreed without hesitation. But the guilt in Cooper's voice, the genuine, honest concern on his perfect, smooth face, made him a little less eager to jump on the Cooper-guilt bandwagon. "Let's just say I don't think you helped," he said instead.
"I knew better," Cooper agreed. He took the last sip of his coffee, and set the empty cup down. "I thought . . . ." He trailed off, then laughed. "I thought it might help. Help us both," he admitted.
"Well, I think you thought wrong."
"It won't be the first time." Cooper looked wistfully into his empty cup. "Have you ever been there? To the Yukon?"
"Once. First time I met Benny. I went up to help him find his father's killer."
"Then you know."
Ray frowned. "Know what?"
"Know what it's like. Know why he's not happy here. Why he'll never be happy here."
Ray felt a prickle of resentment. "He's fine," he said, conveniently ignoring the worries he'd harbored himself on that very subject. "He's adjusting."
The look in those dark eyes was enough, but Cooper said it anyway. "You don't believe that."
"Well what the hell else am I supposed to believe? In case you haven't noticed, he's stuck here, all right? There's nowhere else for him to go.
That seemed to take Cooper aback. "That's very true," he agreed. He shrugged. "At least he has you." Cooper hesitated again. "Can I ask you something?"
Ray shrugged. "Sure. Why not?"
"You're angry at me, because you think I took advantage of Ben. But I'd like to know: Are you angry because I slept with him, or because he slept with me and not with you?"
For a long time, Ray couldn't answer. "That's a hell of a question," he said, and heard the tight, barely controlled anger in his voice. "And here's the answer. Go to hell." And he got up and walked away.
-----
Fraser avoided Ray for two days. Two days, twenty hours, thirty minutes, not that Ray was counting. Ray let him. If Benny was avoiding him, after all, it saved the Ray the trouble of having to avoid Benny. Not to mention that it gave Dale Cooper time to get the hell out of Chicago.
Cooper had called him the day before he left, to "check up on the case." Yeah. Check up on Ray, more likely, and, indirectly, on Benny. *Well, too bad, Agent Cooper, 'cause I ain't seen him, either.* They hadn't mentioned the conversation at the diner, and after hanging up, Ray began to think that maybe he knew, at least, one thing that Dale Cooper and Benny had in common.
Damn Cooper anyway. Who the hell did he think he was, strolling into their lives, telling them how to feel? Okay, so maybe he and Benny had some history, maybe that gave Cooper some insight that Ray didn't have into Fraser's head. But when he started to try to get inside Ray's head, that was altogether different.
Even if he was right.
It took a solid minute of knocking on Fraser's door before Ray finally heard the shuffle of feet inside, and the inquiring sniff from the other side of the door that showed that Dief, at least, was willing to be curious about visitors. Finally, the flimsy paneled wood swung open, and Benny was staring blankly at him, as if he didn't quite recognize the face that was looking back at him.
It took a moment for Ray to recover from the shock of the sight of his friend. "Hey, Benny, you look like shit," Ray said before he thought. But it was the truth. Fraser's face was unnaturally pale, his damp hair sticking to his forehead, and there were dark, sagging circles under his eyes. He was wearing his red long johns, but they were only half-buttoned, the buttons and holes misaligned as though he'd only just donned them in haste.
"Ray," he said at last, and Ray started as he realized that the other man was actually shivering. That was also when he felt, for the first time, the cold air flowing out of the apartment, colder even than the chilly air in the unheated hall.
"Geez, Benny," he said, pulling his coat tighter around his shoulders. "What's the matter, your heat not working?"
For a second, Fraser looked at him, then glanced back into the apartment, as if checking for himself. "No," he said at last. "It's . . . . I must have not turned it on."
*Yeah, for about two days.* "Uh-huh." Ignoring Benny's feeble protest, he pushed past him into the apartment, shivering as he stepped into the freezing air. No wonder, too. The windows were wide open, all of them, frost dusting the counters and floor with chilly white. Ray turned to face him. "What the hell's going on here, Benny?"
"Nothing. I'm fine, Ray," Fraser said crisply, and moved to the kitchen window. One by one, he closed all the windows, ignoring the bite of the frozen tiles on his bare feet, hardly seeming to feel the frost-furred glass against his hands.
"No, you are not fine, Fraser," Ray snapped. He walked over to the ancient radiator and, with a deft twist, opened the valve. "Sleeping in sub-zero weather with the windows wide open is not fine. What's going on?"
"Nothing." The air in the apartment was nothing compared to the chill in Fraser's voice. "You know perfectly well, Ray, that I'm used to living in a much colder environment."
"Don't give me that bullshit," Ray said harshly. "Last time I checked, you were still the same species as the rest of us Homo sapiens, and unless you've got some secret Inuit immunity, there's only so much cold you can survive."
Fraser regarded him for a long, tense moment, some kind of emotion warring behind his bland expression, something Ray hoped, briefly, would come to the surface, but which in the end stayed buried. "I'm fine," was all he said.
For once, Ray was quicker. He had the Mountie's wrist in an instant, and they both gasped as Ray's warm hand closed around the cold flesh.
"Jesus!" Ray nearly dropped it, but the flash of emotion across Benny's face was enough to make him tighten his grip around the chilled, stiff joint. "I've seen stiffs in the morgue warmer than you."
Futilely, Fraser tried to break the hold, but his numb fingers didn't seem able to obey. "Ray," he said evenly. "Let go. You're hurting me."
"No, I'm not." Ray pitched his voice low, and quiet, knowing that that was the only way, right now, to get through. He raised his other hand, folding Benny's cold fingers between his, watching the other man grimace. "That's just warmth, Benny. Human warmth, okay? It can't hurt you."
Fraser's lips twitched. "That's not always the case," he said tightly. His hand was like ice, the fingers icicles between Ray's palms.
Ray tightened his hold, wrapping two fingers around Benny's wrist, surprised when he felt the other man's pulse beating like a jackhammer under his touch. Fraser was standing perfectly still, his face betraying nothing, showing no emotion. But his heart was racing. "Tell me why you slept with him."
Fraser's mouth opened and shut, twice, the non-sequitur shocking him out of his defiance. "With Dale Cooper?" he finally asked. "Is that important?"
"Yes," Ray said firmly.
"Why?"
"I don't know."
"Well, if you don't know why, Ray, then how do you know it's important?"
"Because it's eating you up inside, that's why. Because you're not acting like you."
"I'm not sure what more I can tell you," Benny said at last. "And I'm still not sure that any of it still matters."
"After the other night, I'd say it matters a lot." Ray's hands were starting to chill, the warmth in them leeching slowly into Benny's body. Yet they stood here, almost chest to chest, having this conversation in this freezing place as though it were the most normal thing in the world. Ray would have liked to sit down, to maybe make Benny some of that boiled grass he liked so much, but he was afraid to move, afraid to break the fragile tableau. "You never did explain what happened," Ray reminded.
"Yes, I did."
"No, you didn't. You told me what you did, but you never said a word about why."
"Yes, I did," Benny repeated stubbornly. "At least, I would have thought that it was obvious."
"Sure, yeah. Thrown together by circumstances, spitting in the teeth of danger, all that crap I can understand. But that doesn't explain why two months later Cooper hauled his ass back to the frozen tundra to spend his vacation with you. Unless you're going to tell me you two slept in separate beds."
Slowly, Fraser lowered his head, staring down at their joined hands. With a gentle tug, he freed himself from Ray's grip, but made no other effort to get away, to put any distance between them. "Why are you doing this, Ray?"
"Because I think you need to know. Whatever it is that went on between you two then, I don't think it's over. You wouldn't have slept with him again if it was."
The smile was so brief, so fleeting, that for a moment Ray wondered if he'd imagined it. "Which begs the question. Why does it matter to you? Not," he added quickly, "that I'm not gratified by your concern, but I would have thought that--" he trailed off.
"Thought what? That I don't care what happens with you?" Ray studied Fraser's face. "Or that I wouldn't care once I found out you were gay."
"I'm not gay."
"Oh, sorry. My mistake."
"It's a common error," Fraser assured him, plowing oblivious over the sarcasm with such Benny-like sincerity that Ray could have cried. "I believe that my sexual orientation is more precisely defined as bisexual rather than homosexual, although the terminology suffers from a lack of--"
"Benny."
He stopped. "Yes, Ray?"
"It doesn't matter to me. All right?"
That seemed to satisfy him. "Fair enough. Thank you, Ray."
"And you still haven't answered me," Ray persisted. "Why'd you do it? Why did you sleep with him? Was it that bad? Are you that lonely?"
For a long time, Benny couldn't seem to find an answer. He looked away, studying the gray skies outside the window with unnecessary absorption. "Yes," he said at last. He turned back. "Yes, I was lonely."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Benny looked back at him, then down at the bare, scrubbed floor. "Perhaps because I didn't think there was anything to tell." He shook his head. "You've been a good friend to me, Ray."
"But you just said you were lonely. Make up your mind."
That caused a faint grimace to pass over Benny's features. "There are different kinds of loneliness, Ray." He waved a hand. "You've provided me with companionship, friendship, loyalty . . . you allow me to help you with your cases, you let me participate in your recreations . . . . You've made this place bearable."
Ray didn't know what to say. On the one hand, it was the first time he'd ever heard Benny say anything quite like that. Heard him actually say the words, that he appreciated Ray's friendship. That he needed it. But at the same time, Fraser was saying that it hadn't been enough. Hadn't been enough to keep him from needing something else. Something that Ray hadn't given him. Or maybe just something he didn't think Ray was able to give.
"But you couldn't have come to me," Ray said.
"It wasn't a deliberate, reasoned decision, Ray. Until I saw Dale Cooper again, I didn't even know what it was that I wanted. If I had . . . . " He trailed off, but didn't finish.
"If you had, what?" Ray prompted. "What would you have done?"
"I don't know."
Ray regarded him for a long, still moment. "I can tell you what I would have done," he said quietly. "If I'd known."
Benny blinked at him curiously. "What?"
"This." And Ray stepped forward, and slowly, carefully, folded Benny into his arms.
For a second, just a second, Fraser leaned into the embrace, then he stiffened, his body going rigid, and tried to pull away. "Ray." His voice was tight, and filled with something that might have been pain. Or longing. "Don't. You don't want to--"
Ray tightened his grip, locking his hands around Fraser's arms. "What?" he said keeping his voice carefully gentle. "What don't I want to do, Benny?"
Benny didn't seem to have an answer. "I don't know," he said at last.
"You let Cooper do this for you," Ray said quietly. "Why him and not me?"
"That . . . ." Benny's voice sounded strained, as if he were having to force himself to speak. "That was different."
"How?"
"It was--That is to say, we were . . . ."
"Friends?" Ray supplied when Fraser's words trailed off. "I thought I was your friend, Benny."
Fraser sighed against him. "You are my best friend," he said softly, but sadly. "But . . . ."
"But what?"
"I don't know," Fraser said helplessly.
Ray waited. "I think I do know." Fraser's head was close to his now, his sleek dark hair just a breath away. Ray tilted his head, letting his lips lightly touch the soft, fine hairs on his neck. Fraser shivered against him. "I think I know," Ray said again. "You can't get cold enough. Can you? All these people, all these new friends. It's hard to keep cold with so many people around. People like me."
"Ray . . . ." Benny's voice was shaking.
Ray ignored him. "Most people know that. That's why we all live in the cities, why we live together. We're all just trying to keep warm. Except you." He kissed his neck again, and Fraser quivered. "Why is that, Benny? Because it hurts?" He felt Fraser's jaw work, felt him breathing raggedly against his shoulder. He didn't answer. Ray turned his head and kissed him on the lips.
Fraser's mouth was soft, and cold, Ray's lips barely warming the chilly skin. But Fraser didn't pull away, didn't break the kiss until Ray did it first. "Did that hurt?" Ray asked.
"Yes," Benny breathed quietly into his mouth, and kissed him back.
Fraser's mouth was even better the second time, the chilly lips warming under Ray's kisses, his tongue tasting faintly of mint. Ray actually felt his knees weaken, the muscles in his thighs turning to water as that tongue slipped into his mouth, teasing him. He tightened his grip on Fraser's waist, afraid that if he let go, his trembling knees wouldn't be able to hold him up. Fraser's arms came around him, crushing him close, and for a long, blissful moment there was nothing in the world but the two of them.
Ray shivered once as Benny slid his coat from his shoulders, but apparently the radiator was still doing its job. That, or the blood that was pounding through Ray's body was enough to keep him from feeling the cold. Then Fraser's hands slid down his back, caressing him through the layers of sweater and undershirt, and Ray felt his whole body shiver.
"Are you cold?" Benny's question was a pulse of heated air against his lips, the soft brush of his mouth as he spoke sending the temperature up another few degrees.
"No," Ray said truthfully. One of Benny's hands slipped under the sweater, spreading over the small of his back, and he felt his knees quiver again.
"Are you sure?" Benny stroked his back again, and Ray realized, incredulously, that he was being teased. "You're trembling." The clever fingers touched him again, rubbing through the thin undershirt. First his lower back, then down, right to the base of his spine, a long, liquid glide of pleasure. Ray gulped a deep breath, and finally found his voice again.
"It's not from the cold, and you damn well know it," he said shakily. The hand on his back made it difficult to think, all his thoughts dropping away to pool somewhere in the vicinity of his belt buckle. He was dimly aware that he hadn't actually planned for this to happen, but now that it was happening, he wouldn't have stopped for anything in the world. As if he even wanted to try.
Benny kissed him again, hard, and Ray felt another few ergs of intelligence slither away. God, he'd never have guessed this, that under that clean-cut Mountie exterior was a man who could kiss like this. He could feel the control of this situation slipping rapidly out of his hands, and he wasn't sure he really cared. He pulled himself closer, wrapping his fingers in the cloth at Fraser's waist, and nearly gasped out loud as his thigh stroked briefly against the long, thick hardness tangled in the loose folds at Fraser's hips. Fraser jerked against him, his hands stilling briefly, and a soft sound escaped from his mouth, almost a whimper. He kissed Ray even harder, and now he was the one trembling.
They broke apart long enough to catch their breath, and anything Ray might have said, or thought of saying, was lost as he caught sight of Fraser's face. The other man's expression was unreadable, his pale eyes darkened with desire, his face flushed with heat. From the way Benny looked at him, Ray knew that he must seem the same. Fraser swallowed once, his lips parting as he lifted a hand to Ray's face, cupping his cheek briefly in his broad palm. But he said nothing, simply kissed him once, gently, then took his hand and led him to the bed.
They got under the covers still mostly clothed, Ray's sweater and shoes the main casualties of the trip across the room, but by the time they arranged themselves on the narrow cot Ray had succeeded in opening Benny's thermals down to his waist, revealing a tantalizing gap of smooth, pale skin. He trailed a finger down the center of Fraser's chest, delighted to hear a soft sigh of pure desire from the other man. He let the finger dip lower, easing between the last buttons, and stroked once over the hard, silky length that strained below.
Fraser closed his eyes, sucking in a deep, quavering breath, the hands on Ray's shoulders convulsing once before he remembered himself and eased his grip. He slipped his hands lower, reaching for the hem of Ray's undershirt, and between the two of them they managed to pull it over Ray's head. Fraser started kissing him the instant his head was free, and it took all Ray's remaining concentration to get his hands in the collar of Benny's thermals and start peeling down. He ran his hands possessively over Benny's back, feeling the hard, firm muscle of his shoulders, the gentle ripples of motion as Benny flexed his arms, pulling Ray against him to kiss him again.
Somehow, they managed to remove the remainder of their clothing without leaving the bed, or letting go of one another for more than a few seconds. Benny was naked first, having only the single garment to dispose of, and Ray thrilled, unbelieving, as he finally stroked his palm over the smooth, hard length of him. *This is Fraser,* he thought. *Benny, my Benny, naked in this bed with me. And god, but he's beautiful.* Then Benny's fingers wrapped around his own shaft, and the moment of appreciation was abruptly subsumed in the hot sizzle of his own desire. He closed his eyes, breathing deep, then opened them to find Benny staring right at him, a sweet, knowing smile curving his lips. Ray squeezed a little harder, and had the pleasure of seeing Benny's eyes glaze briefly, the smile slipping for a moment into a soft, breathless gasp of pure desire. Ray did it again, and this time leaned forward to steal the gasp from his lips.
Time slipped by, unnoticed, while they kissed there on the bed, slowly fitting their bodies together, twining together in a tight clench of arms and legs. Ray ran his hands over Benny's short hair, trying to tangle his fingers in it, to pull the other man's mouth closer even as they kissed. Then Benny's strong, thick fingers found their own grip in Ray's hair, sealing them together in a hot, hard kiss, and that was enough. For a while.
Gradually, though, Benny's kisses began to change, growing slower, and deeper, each kiss lingering longer and longer until Ray thought he might go insane. Benny now seemed determined to slowly explore every inch of Ray's mouth, his teeth, lips, and tongue working in a delicious tandem until Ray was gasping for breath, hands curving helplessly over the broad back. He'd never been kissed like this in his life, never been so thoroughly opened, investigated, and tasted, as if he were some kind of strange new delicacy for Benny to enjoy. Every bit of the other man's formidable attention was now focused on him, intent, it seemed, on drawing out every scrap of sensation from the kiss.
And now it wasn't just Ray's mouth anymore. Benny's lips began to stray, dropping warm, light kisses on his cheeks, his eyes, his forehead, moving down to caress the line of his jaw, to nip gently at the lobe of his ear. And now his tongue, too, darting out to touch at the crease of his neck, at the corners of his eyes, tender, delicate licks, like Ray was being stroked softly with an electric wire. Benny touched his tongue to the corner of his mouth, then to the tip of his nose, and then ducked down to lick his neck, slow patient strokes traveling up to his jaw, then to his ear. *He's tasting me,* Ray finally realized, and the thought sent a shivering thread of fire down his spine, straight to his already hard cock. He closed his eyes as Benny's tongue gently mapped the secret curves of his ear, each prod trailing another thrill of delight down his body. *He's going to taste me, all over, just like he tastes every damn thing he finds. Oh, god, I'm never going to be able to watch him lick mud again . . . .*
Benny was kissing his throat now, wet, open-mouthed kisses, breathing deeply as he buried his nose in the crook of Ray's neck, whiffing gently up his nape to tickle the back of his neck with his breath. Another lazy lick at the soft hairs below his hairline, then Benny was rolling him on his back to lick at his collarbone, his tongue darting to taste the thin pulse at the hollow of his throat, licking up the sweat that had pooled there. He shifted down, straddling Ray's thighs to press his face to the center of Ray's chest, drawing air deeply into his lungs. He spread his hands over Ray's chest, palms settling warmly over his pectorals, fingers splaying down his sides as he caressed him, then carefully, delicately, tasted each nipple, biting gently until Ray heard an embarrassingly vocal moan escape his own lips. Benny licked him one last time, then moved his hand, sliding over to take Ray's arm and lift it away from his body, pulling up until he could lean forward and trail his tongue up the line of Ray's ribs, not stopping until he was pressed into the soft dark hairs under his arm, his nose breathing deep of Ray's scent.
"Oh, God." Ray wasn't even aware that he'd spoken, not until he heard the echo of his own voice in the quiet room. Benny, ignoring him, took Ray's free hand and repeated the motion, pinning Ray's wrists on the pillow, holding him while he explored under the other arm, his expression rapt, as if he'd forgotten Ray's presence, forgotten everything but learning the scent and taste of this curious new creature in front of him. His single-minded absorption in Ray's body was almost frightening, might have been frightening, except that it was also one of the most incredibly erotic things Ray had ever experienced.
When Benny finally released him, having explored his fill, Ray knew what was coming next. The first delicate lick over the tip of his cock was like a match touched to a fuse, a long, slow burn of pure need. And the burn only deepened, spreading hotly through Ray's groin as Benny probed again into the tiny slit, lingering until he had gathered every drop. Ray's balls were next, the heated tongue rasping over the cool, taut sacs, then the nose nuzzling underneath to breath deeply of the scents between his legs. Another long, slow lick up the crease of his thigh, and then Benny buried his face in the soft, wiry curls at his groin, breathing open-mouthed as his hands mapped the curves of Ray's hips. Ray's whole body was alive, tingling from the touch of Benny's mouth, not a single part of him now that Benny didn't know. And Ray looked at his friend, looked at his face, and his body, and down to the powerful erection that rose from his hips, and knew that this wouldn't be over until he had Benny inside him. He'd never wanted it before, and now, suddenly, he wanted it more than he'd ever wanted anything in his life.
But he didn't say it, not yet. Instead, he swallowed, trying to control his ragged, harsh breathing as he asked, "So, you think you've figured out who I am by now?"
That got him a long, slow smile, and a nod. "I think so," Benny said, and lifted his head, prowling slowly up the length of Ray's body to kiss him on the lips. "Yes," he said softly, when they parted. "I think I know you."
When Benny finally slipped inside him, Ray thought for a moment that he was going to pass out. He couldn't seem to remember how to breathe, and only Benny's soft voice in his ear allowed him to suck air into his lungs before the blackness overwhelmed him. Then Benny shifted against him, pushing in a little more, and Ray forgot how to breathe all over again. His hands were digging into Benny's shoulders, that familiar broad back his only lifeline, his only connection, now, to the world outside his own body. Dimly, he heard Benny asking if he was all right, and that made him laugh, the instant before he lunged up, capturing Benny's mouth, gasping as his own movement shifted Benny's length inside him. Then Benny started to move on his own, pushing against him, and that was all that Ray needed.
It was better than he could ever have hoped for, hot and hard and wonderful, the tight join of their bodies more delicious than he would have imagined in his wildest dreams. His own cock was untouched, jerking stiffly across his belly with every thrust, but Ray knew that in a couple of seconds he was going to come anyway, come from nothing more than the sweet friction of Benny's cock inside him. He wouldn't have thought it possible, not until the room around him dissolved in a sudden flood of red, his body arching off the bed as he came, the orgasm flooding through his body like a river bursting its banks, leaving him drowning and gasping on the ruin of Benny's sheets, lying limp as he felt, unbelieving, the incredible sensation of Benny coming inside him a second later.
He forced his eyes open, knowing that he had to see, that he had to know what was on Benny's face at that moment. His gasp made Benny's eyes fly open, the rapture on his face fading so quickly into concern that Ray could have strangled himself for spoiling that perfect moment of abstracted joy.
"Oh, God, Ray, did I hurt you?" Benny panted, and started to pull back, and would have succeeded if Ray hadn't grabbed him, forcing him to stay still.
"No, no. God, no. You didn't hurt me." Ray found his own breath, just enough to risk another kiss, one which Benny returned enthusiastically, slowly lowering himself onto Ray's chest. Ray parted from him only reluctantly, loving the soft, sweet sounds they made as they kissed, loving, too, the heavy warmth of Benny's body on top of him, a warm, sweaty, Mountie blanket of his very own.
But finally, Benny pulled away, sucking in a slow, long breath, his elbows propped on either side of Ray's chest. His eyes were still closed, and he lowered his head to Ray's shoulder, hiding his face in the crook of Ray's neck. Ray waited. And waited. "Well?" he said at last.
It took a moment for Benny to reply, his lips moving warmly against the slowly cooling skin of Ray's throat. "Well, what, Ray?"
"Aren't you going to say it?"
Apparently, Benny was enjoying the sensation his mouth was creating against Ray's neck, because he continued to kiss him even as he spoke, punctuating his words with soft touches of his lips against Ray's skin. "Say what, Ray?"
"I don't know. 'My God, what have I done?' or, 'Gee, I just screwed my best friend.' or 'Oh, dear.'"
"I wasn't planning on it." Now Benny's tongue was exploring again, carefully tracing the line of Ray's jaw. "You know, you have the most amazing scent, Ray . . . ."
"I don't believe this."
"It's true." Benny buried his face in Ray's neck again. "It's very . . . enticing."
"We are not talking about the way I smell," Ray said firmly, although the sensation of Benny's mouth on his damp skin was making him wonder if that was such a bad idea after all.
"Very well." And Ray squeaked as Benny licked his neck again. "We can talk about the way you taste . . . ."
"Benny!"
"I'm sorry, Ray," Benny said, not sounding sorry in the least, and without stopping what he was doing.
With an effort, Ray pushed Benny away, lifting him up until he could look straight into those brilliant eyes, now soft and dreamy in the aftermath of sex. The sight was enough to make him forget, temporarily at least, what he'd been about to say, but the realization that he was looking into the face of his newfound lover was enough to return him to the subject at hand. "Benny," he said quietly but firmly. "Don't you think we need to talk?"
Slowly, Benny shook his head, a small smile creeping over his lips. "No," he drawled. "I don't."
"You don't?" Ray reached up, idly pushing a hand over Benny's sweat-damp bangs, then tracing the soft lines of his mouth with a tender finger.
"Nope." Benny opened his lips, closing his teeth lightly on the tip of the finger, sucking gently until Ray tugged it away. Deprived of the finger, Benny simply turned his head into Ray's shoulder, kissing him sleepily, his eyes half-closed. "Please," he breathed softly into his skin, and Ray felt shivers go down his spine. He kissed him again, then lifted his head and fastened his mouth over Ray's, capturing him in a long, leisurely kiss. "Later," he said quietly against Ray's lips, and Ray decided to stop arguing. Benny was right. Later would be soon enough.
-----
"I wanted him to stay."
Benny's voice came out of the dark, soft and sleepy. His arm was a heavy weight around Ray's body, his voice a deep rumble in Ray's ear. Ray, pillowed comfortably against Benny's chest, didn't answer right away.
"You don't have to tell me this, Benny," Ray said at last, sleepily, not daring to move from the soft circle of Benny's arms, not sure he ever wanted to. "I don't have to know."
"Maybe. Maybe not." After a moment, Fraser went on. "When he came to me . . . . " Fraser swallowed. "I thought he might stay. Forever. I think he did, too."
Muzzily, Ray blinked the sleep from his eyes, determined, now, to at least listen. "What happened?" he prompted gently.
It took a long time for Fraser to get the words out. "I don't know," he said helplessly. "God knows I wanted--" He broke off. "We could have fallen in love." He paused again. "Easily."
"But you didn't." And Ray was ashamed at the sudden flood of relief.
"No. It was too--" Fraser broke off again, and turned to stare out into the darkness, his jaw working briefly. And the pain in his voice was like a stab in Ray's own heart. "In the end, it was easier to stay . . . cold. And alone. It was safer." Benny drew in a deep breath. "But I thought about it, thought about going back with him, to San Francisco."
"What did he say?"
The silence stretched so long that Ray wondered if Benny was ever going to answer. "I never asked him," he finally said, and his hands moved convulsively to grip Ray's shoulders, unconsciously pulling him closer. "I never gave him the chance."
"You were afraid he'd say no?"
Benny hugged him again. "I was afraid that he would say yes. So, I didn't say anything. And I let him leave."
"Did you love him?" It came out suddenly, unsteadily, and Ray hated himself the instant the question was asked. But he didn't take it back.
Uncomfortably, Benny cleared his throat. "Well, that's a complex question, Ray--"
"No, it isn't," Ray said, feeling his sleepiness turning to exasperation. "It's a very simple question. Yes or no, did you love him?"
Benny paused again. "You know, Ray, the Greeks had seven different--"
Ray closed his eyes. "Benny," he said warningly. "Did you love him or not, goddammit."
For a long time, Benny was silent, his big hands still moving slowly over Ray's body, caressing him. "Ray--" he began, and stopped, bringing up one hand to rub his eyebrow. "Do you think that I could have made love to him if I didn't?" he finally asked quietly.
Ray let out his breath in a long, slow sigh. "Okay," he said. "That's what I thought." He turned into Benny's body, finding the warm curve of his shoulder, settling his cheek into the soft, smooth skin. He lay there for a long time, breathing the clean, musky scent from Fraser's skin, feeling their bodies settle and shift, like two pieces of a puzzle fitting perfectly together. And finally, he found his voice again.
"So what's the difference between Cooper and me? If there is one." He waited. "I mean, you made love to him." He paused. "You made love to me. What's the difference?"
Benny stroked Ray's hair, just a light brush of his fingers over the smooth strands. "Is that what you wanted to talk about?"
"Yeah," Ray admitted. "Maybe."
Slowly, Benny shifted under him, bringing his leg up to curve over Ray's hip. "I'm not sure what to say."
"Just try, Benny, okay?"
"Okay." Benny drew in a deep breath. "When Dale and I met, I'd been alone a long time, Ray."
"I know."
"In a way," he continued, as if Ray hadn't spoken, "it's safer to be alone. There's no one to depend on you, no one to get close to you . . . ."
"No one who can hurt you," Ray put in, and felt Benny still underneath him.
"Yes," he said presently, and his arms tightened around Ray's body. "When Dale and I became . . . lovers, we were both afraid to let it go any farther. We tried, but we couldn't. I couldn't," he amended softly. "I knew he could hurt me," Fraser went on. "If I let him." He drew in a deep breath. "The pain wasn't worth the risk, for either of us." Fraser shifted again, and Ray felt his lips touch the top of his head, his forehead, his temples, and then Benny was speaking softly, his words breathed into Ray's skin. "The first time I met you," he said quietly. "I knew. You were so hot--" He kissed him. "--so alive. I knew you could hurt me. I knew you could burn me alive. And I didn't care." He kissed him again. "You were worth the risk, Ray."
Ray didn't know what to say. "I wish I could say I was sorry," he finally offered. "About Cooper. But that's a damn lie." He lifted up, seeking Benny's mouth in the dark. When they parted, he touched Benny's face, stroking softly down his cheek. "If things had worked out with you two, then I wouldn't be here, right now. So I ain't sorry."
"I don't expect you to be, Ray."
For a long moment, Ray tried to search his face, tried to read his expression in the darkness. "But you're sorry, aren't you? For him."
"He's a good man," Benny said quietly. "He deserves . . . someone."
"Yeah." Ray kissed him. "So do you." He kissed him again. "So do I." Ray traced the shape of Benny's face, trailing over his soft, full lips, feeling Benny try to kiss his fingers, to catch them. "He'll be all right, Benny."
"I know," Benny said against his fingers, and kissed them softly. "Ray--" he started, then stopped as Ray put a hand over his mouth.
"No," he said quietly. "Let's go to sleep, all right? Unless it's something earthshattering, it can wait until morning."
When Ray released him, Fraser nodded. "All right," he agreed, and Ray felt Benny's mouth shape into a smile. "It's nothing you didn't already know, anyway," Fraser said, and Ray settled back into his arms.
"Yeah," Ray said, and let his eyes close, a smile playing over his face. "I know, Benny. Good-night."
-----
Fraser woke early, while it was still dark outside, not even a hint of dawn to be seen. It was a habit he'd not been able to break yet, waking up just now to get up and stoke the fire, an unnecessary precaution in this gas-heated building. Unnecessary, too, with Ray's warm, naked body pressed so close to him under the blankets. They were tangled up together beneath the covers, a wonderful disarray of arms and legs and bodies, touching each other everywhere they possibly could. Comfortable. Safe. Warm. Fraser closed his eyes, wrapped his arms around Ray's body, and slid back into sleep.
THE END