oh...the love
Taxed in 2006
Lewis and Clark:
First of all, Fuck Lewis. Meriwether,- what kind of bitch ass name is that? That’s why he was down to go out West; no one would make fun of his name with Sacajawea being the norm. Clark was a general and the first Eagle Scout as far I’m concerned. Lewis was all “my feet hurt” and “are we there yet? No wonder he killed himself. Clark and Lewis= no tax, just Clark= no tax, saying or writing Lewis and Clark= ten cent tax.
David Sedaris
Do you really relate to these stories? IS that really just like your family? Shit, is that really his family? Yes, it was funny the fist time I heard him on “This American Life” (ten cent tax, see below). It was funny the tenth time. But no, I don’t want to talk about how funny his new book is, how crazy his family is, and if he is listed as your favorite writer on myspace, or you say that he is while drinking at Stumptown coffee , that’s ten cents…public education thanks you.
Chuck Palahniuk
I started reading Diary. I got halfway through and realized I was reading Choke again. Why isn’t it named Choke 2(electric boogaloo)? Speed 2 was the same as Speed one and rightly named so, same for Speed 3 (thanks Liam). Fight Club is not “you’re favorite movie”. You do not relate to it. Sell your IKEA set. Don’t you remember the first rule of movie, douche bag? Quit talking about it. Taxes will apply from now on.
Tom Waits
I know you are sad about the rain, but do I have to hear Tom Waits again on the jukebox? Don’t you have his music at home? Can’t you play it there, crying and yelling into your pillow until you can do his voice? I’m sure Pabst tastes the same at your house. Yes, I have seen the Jim Jarmush movie. It was ironic that he was on the jukebox. Sadly, it is not now. Please don’t play it again. The new jukebox price is fifty cents per song plus another quarter tax.
OPB
No, I did not hear the story on “Day to Day”. It comes on in the afternoon, and I have a job. Do you have sources of news other than this and Salon.com? Yes, I heard the Terri Gross interview. I know he lied about the war. That doesn’t mean we are connected in some anti-Bush struggle. Enlightenment doesn’t end with a few “things considered”. No, I don’t think David Sedaris is a great American writer, and I will not be setting aside weekend sports (yes, I said it) to listen to “This American Life”. Give your pledge money to this tax.
Undeserved tips
I believe in tipping. I want to tip for good service and I do recognize that work is difficult. I tried to tip a McDonald’s worker, because that has to suck. They can’t accept them. Neither should you. Did I see a tip jar at the Plaid Pantry? Am I now supposed to tip when I buy Pabst and Camels? Am I supposed to tip on my Stumptown coffee that I poured? How much? One dollar on a dollar? That’s crazy talk and you know it. You can’t brag about how you make as much as people working desk jobs in half the hours one minute, and bitch about tipping the next. The reason you are broke is because you buy unneeded crap (like eating out every meal), and you tip too much. Those desk jobbers have no choice but to report their taxes, we know you don’t. We now tax your bitching to make up for it.
Smoking in Bars
First, I know this was in the “not invited back in 2006”, but you must not have read it. I used to think this was a personal freedom issue and that banning smoking in bars was right there with carrying guns and shit. I went to Washington and saw the light. Wow, my hangover was finally just from drinking. I didn’t have to Febreeze my hat and jacket again, again. Don’t you know that shit causes cancer? Didn’t you see “Super Size Me”? You are killing me. Don’t tell me to go to another bar. I live in SE Portland, and I’ve been to those three bars enough. What other bar? Fuck it, I’m down to ban cigarettes period. If the company that makes a product tells me not to buy it because it will kill me, why are they selling it? Why are we letting them? I thought you were “progressive”. Why are you giving your money to those assholes and guaranteeing we’ll both give more to asshole drug companies and HMO’s later? The fact that it kills you want make you stop, but going outside is a problem? Add fifty cents to your cigarette taxes to pay for the extra health care I am going to need now, and sign my petition to make them shits illegal.
Fixed Gears
I really don’t care about your fixed gear. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to be around you and listen to you talk about it with the same person again, again. I do not want to convert my bike to a fixed gear. If bike messengers are so cool, why don’t they make more? Oh, because they wouldn’t be cool then. If you can pay so much to trick that bike out, you shouldn’t be poor and you can afford a tax for talking about it.
First, Second, Third, Last Days.
I like art. I go to art openings. I can’t keep up anymore. You’re confusing the shit out of me. How am I supposed to know what I should attend and what I shouldn’t if every day is now an event? The emperor is losing its clothing and it’s not even that “cool thing in New York where everyone took off their pants”. Stop it, please, or pay a tax for creating a new day.
Anti-Bush stickers and Pro-Kerry
Who are you trying to convince? I live in SE Portland. You think I am pro-Bush? How’s that going to work? Take that shit to Idaho or Wyoming or some place that apparently still can’t see the destruction of the greatest country on earth. I already know, and so does everyone in PDX. That is why we live here. Europe and Canada won’t give us citizenship. Do I really have to tell you why you shouldn’t have a Kerry sticker on your car? How much of a loser must you be to lose to a person who is bankrupting our country, further outsourcing our jobs, looking at my Multnomah County Library records, and still apparently doesn’t believe in global climate change? Do not remind of him. How far away from him can I go without leaving this country? I tax you for making me think of him again.
Intelligent Hip-Hop
How can you tell me you like intelligent hip-hop and you didn’t go see KRS One? You don’t like Ice Cube, Too Short, of Ludracris. You don’t like intelligent hip-hop, you like white hip-hop. You love Atmosphere and Aesop Rock. I remember when Atmosphere’s biggest song was “Trailer Park Chickens”- not intelligent. Now they are from Minneapolis instead of Hinkley, and you think their music is “dope” and Too Short is not. Where do you think what’s his face got his inspiration for Hustle and Flow; likely the same place as me, Iceberg Slim and “Shorty the Pimp”. You are taxed for calling the music you listen to “intelligent” and the logical conclusion is what the majority of the hip-hop community makes and listens to is not intelligent. Roll on that one, “liberal, (I’m down with black people, unlike those asshole republicans)”. Pay the tax and let the black kids in PDX’s public schools who listen to real hip-hop get new books.
Lewis and Clark:
First of all, Fuck Lewis. Meriwether,- what kind of bitch ass name is that? That’s why he was down to go out West; no one would make fun of his name with Sacajawea being the norm. Clark was a general and the first Eagle Scout as far I’m concerned. Lewis was all “my feet hurt” and “are we there yet? No wonder he killed himself. Clark and Lewis= no tax, just Clark= no tax, saying or writing Lewis and Clark= ten cent tax.
David Sedaris
Do you really relate to these stories? IS that really just like your family? Shit, is that really his family? Yes, it was funny the fist time I heard him on “This American Life” (ten cent tax, see below). It was funny the tenth time. But no, I don’t want to talk about how funny his new book is, how crazy his family is, and if he is listed as your favorite writer on myspace, or you say that he is while drinking at Stumptown coffee , that’s ten cents…public education thanks you.
Chuck Palahniuk
I started reading Diary. I got halfway through and realized I was reading Choke again. Why isn’t it named Choke 2(electric boogaloo)? Speed 2 was the same as Speed one and rightly named so, same for Speed 3 (thanks Liam). Fight Club is not “you’re favorite movie”. You do not relate to it. Sell your IKEA set. Don’t you remember the first rule of movie, douche bag? Quit talking about it. Taxes will apply from now on.
Tom Waits
I know you are sad about the rain, but do I have to hear Tom Waits again on the jukebox? Don’t you have his music at home? Can’t you play it there, crying and yelling into your pillow until you can do his voice? I’m sure Pabst tastes the same at your house. Yes, I have seen the Jim Jarmush movie. It was ironic that he was on the jukebox. Sadly, it is not now. Please don’t play it again. The new jukebox price is fifty cents per song plus another quarter tax.
OPB
No, I did not hear the story on “Day to Day”. It comes on in the afternoon, and I have a job. Do you have sources of news other than this and Salon.com? Yes, I heard the Terri Gross interview. I know he lied about the war. That doesn’t mean we are connected in some anti-Bush struggle. Enlightenment doesn’t end with a few “things considered”. No, I don’t think David Sedaris is a great American writer, and I will not be setting aside weekend sports (yes, I said it) to listen to “This American Life”. Give your pledge money to this tax.
Undeserved tips
I believe in tipping. I want to tip for good service and I do recognize that work is difficult. I tried to tip a McDonald’s worker, because that has to suck. They can’t accept them. Neither should you. Did I see a tip jar at the Plaid Pantry? Am I now supposed to tip when I buy Pabst and Camels? Am I supposed to tip on my Stumptown coffee that I poured? How much? One dollar on a dollar? That’s crazy talk and you know it. You can’t brag about how you make as much as people working desk jobs in half the hours one minute, and bitch about tipping the next. The reason you are broke is because you buy unneeded crap (like eating out every meal), and you tip too much. Those desk jobbers have no choice but to report their taxes, we know you don’t. We now tax your bitching to make up for it.
Smoking in Bars
First, I know this was in the “not invited back in 2006”, but you must not have read it. I used to think this was a personal freedom issue and that banning smoking in bars was right there with carrying guns and shit. I went to Washington and saw the light. Wow, my hangover was finally just from drinking. I didn’t have to Febreeze my hat and jacket again, again. Don’t you know that shit causes cancer? Didn’t you see “Super Size Me”? You are killing me. Don’t tell me to go to another bar. I live in SE Portland, and I’ve been to those three bars enough. What other bar? Fuck it, I’m down to ban cigarettes period. If the company that makes a product tells me not to buy it because it will kill me, why are they selling it? Why are we letting them? I thought you were “progressive”. Why are you giving your money to those assholes and guaranteeing we’ll both give more to asshole drug companies and HMO’s later? The fact that it kills you want make you stop, but going outside is a problem? Add fifty cents to your cigarette taxes to pay for the extra health care I am going to need now, and sign my petition to make them shits illegal.
Fixed Gears
I really don’t care about your fixed gear. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to be around you and listen to you talk about it with the same person again, again. I do not want to convert my bike to a fixed gear. If bike messengers are so cool, why don’t they make more? Oh, because they wouldn’t be cool then. If you can pay so much to trick that bike out, you shouldn’t be poor and you can afford a tax for talking about it.
First, Second, Third, Last Days.
I like art. I go to art openings. I can’t keep up anymore. You’re confusing the shit out of me. How am I supposed to know what I should attend and what I shouldn’t if every day is now an event? The emperor is losing its clothing and it’s not even that “cool thing in New York where everyone took off their pants”. Stop it, please, or pay a tax for creating a new day.
Anti-Bush stickers and Pro-Kerry
Who are you trying to convince? I live in SE Portland. You think I am pro-Bush? How’s that going to work? Take that shit to Idaho or Wyoming or some place that apparently still can’t see the destruction of the greatest country on earth. I already know, and so does everyone in PDX. That is why we live here. Europe and Canada won’t give us citizenship. Do I really have to tell you why you shouldn’t have a Kerry sticker on your car? How much of a loser must you be to lose to a person who is bankrupting our country, further outsourcing our jobs, looking at my Multnomah County Library records, and still apparently doesn’t believe in global climate change? Do not remind of him. How far away from him can I go without leaving this country? I tax you for making me think of him again.
Intelligent Hip-Hop
How can you tell me you like intelligent hip-hop and you didn’t go see KRS One? You don’t like Ice Cube, Too Short, of Ludracris. You don’t like intelligent hip-hop, you like white hip-hop. You love Atmosphere and Aesop Rock. I remember when Atmosphere’s biggest song was “Trailer Park Chickens”- not intelligent. Now they are from Minneapolis instead of Hinkley, and you think their music is “dope” and Too Short is not. Where do you think what’s his face got his inspiration for Hustle and Flow; likely the same place as me, Iceberg Slim and “Shorty the Pimp”. You are taxed for calling the music you listen to “intelligent” and the logical conclusion is what the majority of the hip-hop community makes and listens to is not intelligent. Roll on that one, “liberal, (I’m down with black people, unlike those asshole republicans)”. Pay the tax and let the black kids in PDX’s public schools who listen to real hip-hop get new books.