To Twilight Fanbrats: Please STFU

Dec 18, 2008 16:52

The Twilight drama over at IMDB is totally lol-worthy. I mean, come on. It's not even confirmed yet whether the character's going to be re-cast and if so it's not just for the hell of it.

Twilight fans; you've read the book. You're all up in arms demanding that Summit not screw up New Moon but when they want to do something that is CANON and according to the book, you bitch and moan and whine and whinge about it. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that I'm a fan because people would automatically assume that I'm a Twatlightler like you.

Jacob Black. You know, the center of all this fangirl-angst.

Jacob Black turns into a Werewolf halfway into New Moon. You hear; WEREWOLF or shapeshifter, whatever Stephenie Meyer's calling them these days and in Stephenie Meyer's Twilight universe, vampires are not only the most beautiful creatures in the world, they sparkle under the sunlight, keep crosses as accessories, are NOT afraid of garlic and cannot be killed by a stake through the heart. In fact, they can only be killed by being dismembered and having the parts burned, and the only creature strong enough is another vampire or a werewolf. So not only are they beautiful immortals, they are also indestructible.

I say that I'm a fan. I don't say that I compute the logic.

Werewolves or shapeshifters on the other hand, cannot be killed with silver bullet (I doubt they can be killed by anything other than another werewolf shapeshifter or a vampire and vice versa) and a Werewolf shapeshifter will reach maturity faster than normal humans once they transform the first time.

When I say transform the first time, I mean that this is inherited genetics, not result from being bitten by a werewolf, hence the shapeshifter thing. They also don't change at full moon, they change if their mood is out of whack.

So, Jacob Black is a werewolf. In Twilight, he's 16 years old, and so his actor is the appropriate age to play him. In the movie, Jacob is played much like a giddy fanboy meeting his idol for the first time, but he does look up to Bella in a way in the book, so it's okay. But acting wise, I don't see an Oscar nomination anywhere in his near future but that's just me being realistic.

He changes the first time halfway through New Moon, as noted by Bella. He gets a growth spurt and ends up looking much older than his 16/17 year old self. By Breaking Dawn, he's about 6' 7 and looks like he's 25 years old.

Taylor does not.

It's sad for him, but that's showbiz. He's going to have to deal with rejection at one point or another.

Henry Cavill (the authors' first choice to play Edward and one that I agree 100 percent with) lost the role of James Bond in Casino Royale, Superman in Superman Returns and The Goddamn Batman in Batman Begins because he looked too young. Now he's too old to play Edward and was instead offered the role of Edward's father figure, Carlisle, but couldn't do it because of conflicting schedules with The Tudors.

See that? It didn't deter him!

Now Michael Copon's apparently put himself up for the role of Jacob Black (not just to the producers, but also on his Facebook) and I'll give that choice a thumbs up.

No, he's not Native American. But Taylor looks as much Native American as I do.

His acting? He's not the best actor in the world, but then again, no one is. Everyone said Ben Barnes sucked in Prince Caspian, I though he wasn't the best actor, but he certainly wasn't the worst.

Michael; I thought he played cocky-asshole pretty well in One Tree Hill and aloof in Power Rangers Timeforce (YES I WATCHED IT).

In other news: Jacob Black, the kind, smiling young boy idolising Bella in Twilight, turns into a cocky, spiteful kinda-Alpha who forces a kiss onto Bella and guilt’s her into kissing him back.

Now let's consider:

16 year old, 5’9, baby-faced Taylor Lautner


26 year old, 6’1 cocky-asshole, apparently douchbag Michael Copon.

You be the judge.

I'm don't really like role-recasting, because the last time they did that, we got Maggie Gyllenhaal fucking up The Dark Night and looking like Bruce and Harvey's great aunt Muriel. The next time they do that, we're getting Don Cheadle in Ironman 2 after they kicked out Terrence Howard for no apparent reason.

For what it's worth, Michael and Taylor do look a little similar, so maybe it might make the change (NOTE: If there is indeed a change) smoother.

On another Twilight note.

People complaining about how Nikki Reed is NOT Rosalie because she doesn't look good as a blonde, please stop. It's like ALEXANDER all over again. Yes, we know Colin looked funny blonde in that movie. It's old. Move on.

You don't think that Nikki Reed is beautiful enough to play Rosalie, fair. I'm sure I don't think the person you had in mind to play Rosalie is beautiful enough either. It's all a matter of opinion.

Someone said Megan Fox?

I think Megan Fox looks and acts like a two-cent whore and she has club-thumbs. I know she can't help it, but it's creepy.

People say that Wentworth Miller is the hottest thing since toast.

I think Wentworth Miller fell out the ugly tree, hit every branch down and fell into the ugly pool and marinated in it.

Everyone has their own opinion of what Rosalie looks like and I don't think that there is an actor alive that could fit that image. I thought she made Rosalie the bad-ass that she is. Did you see that glare she gave Woodenkristen? It's chilling.

While we're on the subject of Rosalie and hair. What about Jacob's obvious wig, huh? Standing next to Solomon Trimble and Krys 'Smokey-Desperado' and their beautiful, flowing locks, his looks like a cheap knock-off, which it is.

So stop with the hair and accept the changes (NOTE: if there are any) with grace and stop acting like a wronged fanbrat.

And to Kristin Stewart. Stop acting like a wooden plank and stuttering/grimacing/shrugging out your lines. It's not endearing, it's annoying and it makes you look like you've got a nervous tick. You're in Twilight and screwing it up, so stop looking like you have absolutely no idea where you are and what the hell you're doing there. In fact, stop being a bad actor and give me the Bella in the books, no matter how annoying and Miaka-like she is.

And to people whining about Summit trying to screw with the already apparent Jacob-Bella chemistry, I have this to say: "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA--What chemistry?"

Kristen has absolutely no chemistry with the cast whatsoever. The only chemistry she has in the movie that might be closest to being believable is between her and her white headphones.

That is all.

tharr be men ahoy, a random fandom nag, talking about celebs

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