Happy Holidays #7: Patter of Tiny Feet
Title: Happy Holidays #7: Patter of Tiny Feet (read warnings)
Author: cunningdeb
Inspired by: You’re All I Want for Christmas
Pairing: Kradam, Hannah, OMC
Rating: PG-13 for content
Disclaimer: Pure fiction. I have condensed the timeline for adoptions but I’m not an expert and wanted a tight story.
Summary: The story of how Hannah came into Kris and Adam’s lives
Warning: miscarriages, angst, death of a child
Notes: I alluded in the original story, “Return Engagement”, to what they had gone through to have a child, namely Hannah, and thought exploring that further around Christmas would be a good story.
Extra warning: Have a lot of tissue handy. I went through a box writing this.
A low fire snapped in the hearth, casting a soft glow on the family room. Father and daughter rested on the couch, her blond head in her Daddy’s lap and her thumb hovering near her little mouth. Kris gently played with her curls, twisting each bundle of strands around his finger and watching them bounce back in place, a content smile on his face.
Footsteps came down the hall and Papa appeared, carrying two hot toddies. He stopped and watched the picture before him. His heart ached at the beauty of it and he longed to join in the masterpiece that was his family.
“You’re doing it again,” Adam softly commented, setting his husband’s drink on the side table then joined them on the couch.
“How do you know?”
“Cause you’ve been doing this every Christmas for the past three years.”
Kris smiled.
“I can’t help but think how lucky we are to have two little angels in our lives. I know you think about it too.”
Adam stretched his arm over Kris’ shoulders.
“In all honesty, if I hadn’t volunteered to make the drinks, I’d probably have Hannah asleep on me instead.”
“Three years. I can’t believe it was only three years ago she became ours.”
“I know. It feels like she’s always been ours. I can’t believe I almost missed out on this,” Adam whispered, watching the rise and fall of her slumber.
Kris let go of Hannah’s curls and softly traced a finger down Adam’s cheek.
“Your heart was broken. You were afraid to hope again.”
“You suffered the loss as deeply as I did, but you were willing to try again. I’m glad I listened to you but what a year that was. It feels like it happened to two other people. I almost want to forget it happened.”
“Think of it as a holiday to remember...”
<3 <3 <3
FLASHBACK THREE YEARS
The Allen-Lambert household hadn’t been a happy place in quite some time. Anyone who came to visit could sense the loneliness and sadness hovering in the air. No one could blame them for feeling that way; fate had truly been cruel.
Just over a year earlier, around Thanksgiving, Adam and Kris went to a fertility clinic and with the help of a donor egg and a surrogate, they tried their first attempt to have a child. Both men donated sperm and several eggs were fertilized, with one attempt successful. They asked the doctor not to tell them who the biological father was - as far as they were concerned, the child would be theirs, both of theirs.
The insemination had taken and they celebrated the New Year with the overwhelming anticipation of being fathers by August. By the end of January, they lost the baby. They both took it hard but stayed positive, determined to try again.
In April, they found another surrogate - Rachel - and tried invitro again. It took a couple of tries but eventually was successful. Adam and Kris were over the moon. They would have a December baby!
Rachel was a single young woman and they took her into their home. She was cared for and pampered like nobody’s business. They hired a nutritionist/cook to prepare their meals and a trainer to help keep her healthy. Both men went with her to the doctor appointments and they even flew her family in for visits from Maine so she didn’t have to travel.
Kris and Adam were there for the first ultra sound. Adam held Rachel’s hand and Kris held his. At first they couldn’t make out what they were seeing; Adam joked later the baby looked like a space alien. The doctor flicked a switch and they got a 3D picture of their son, so tiny, so innocent. He was already sucking his thumb and Kris swore he waved at them. The baby was perfect and they cried. All three of them got a wallet sized photo to take home. The baby’s first picture.
Over the months, as Rachel’s stomach got larger, it hit them more and more that this was really happening. Seven months into the pregnancy, the boys asked Drake to design and decorate the nursery. They didn’t want a traditional blue on blue room so they went with sunny yellows and fresh greens. A canopy of trees was hand painted on the ceiling, the sun peaking through and little animals in the branches, standing watch. There were two rocking chairs and a treasure box full of stuffed toys. Adam and Kris had gone out and bought the first teddy bear and laid it in the crib, keeping it warm until their son arrived.
The day the nursery was finished became the blackest day in their lives.
Everything that October morning had been normal. They had breakfast together, Kris went off to a meeting with his management team and Adam disappeared into their home studio to write the lyrics to a tune Kris composed. It was a lullaby.
Rachel was feeling tired and wanted to have a nap. That wasn’t unusual; she got tired easily. Adam made her promise to call him on the intercom if she needed anything. A few hours later, Adam emerged, the song completed and ready to record. He hadn’t heard from Rachel so he went up to her room. He knocked softly but she didn’t answer. Maybe she was still asleep. Adam turned to leave then decided just to peek in on her. He opened the door.
“Rachel? Are you awake? It’s nearly lunchtime.”
She was on her back, a sheet over her. She was still, too still. The blind was down and Adam raised it. There was a smell in the air, something coppery. He turned towards the bed and saw the light sheet stained a dark red. Shaking, Adam slowly pulled the sheet back. A pool of blood spread out between her legs onto the mattress.
In shock, Adam just acted. He picked up the phone and called 911 then using the intercom, contacted their cook, telling him to wait for the ambulance. Adam fell down beside the bed, taking her hand. Rachel’s face was deathly white but she was still breathing. He talked soothingly until the paramedics came, unceremoniously ushering him aside so they could care for her.
As they loaded her in the ambulance, Adam hopped in. He pulled out his phone to call Kris but was told he couldn’t, not as long as he was in the ambulance. When they arrived at the hospital and Rachel was wheeled into emergency, Adam called his husband.
“Hey lover, what’s up?” Kris said, his voice full of happiness.
Adam didn’t answer. How could he tell him?
“Adam?” Kris asked again. A sense of dread came over him at the silence. “Adam? What’s wrong?”
“Rachel, Rachel’s in the hospital.” Adam voice was almost robotic.
“The hospital? Is it, is it the baby?”
“Hurry, please.”
Adam hung up, not telling Kris what hospital they were at. Kris called 911 and demanded they connect him to dispatch and tell him what hospital his son had been taken to. They told him and he flew out the door. He got behind the wheel and tried to start the car but his hand was shaking so much, he couldn’t get the key in the ignition.
His assistant, having seen him race out with explanation, had followed him and pounded on the side window. Kris opened the door and handed the shocked woman his car keys.
“Drive me to the hospital. Fast.”
As the car weaved between traffic, Kris closed his eyes and prayed. He had never pleaded with God before but it was all he could do.
--*--
Kris and Adam were emotionless, in shock. They sat in the waiting room, hands clasped tightly, not looking at each other or speaking. The doctor came out and told them the horrible news they had expected. Their baby was gone. They were given medical reasons but they didn’t matter. Their little son was gone.
After Rachel was stabilized and settled in her room, they sat with her as she slept. Kris called her family and told them what happened. He made arrangements to fly her parents out to LA to be with her.
The doctor told them she would sleep through the night and they’d call if anything changed.
Squeezing Adam’s hand, Kris swallowed hard and asked quickly before he lost his nerve, “Can we see him? Can we see our son?”
The doctor told them to wait in a nearby room and he’d make the arrangements.
The door closed behind them.
“I don’t want to see him,” Adam declared, walking to the window and staring into the darkness.
“I think you should.”
“Why, so I can remember our son dead instead of imagining him alive?”
“So we can acknowledge he existed and honor his memory.”
“Well, I’m glad for you if you can do that, but don’t ask me to.”
The doctor came in and told them their son was ready.
“Adam? Are you coming?” Kris asked softly, his voice weary.
Adam didn’t answer and Kris left.
Kris went into the empty hospital room and saw the little crib and the tiny, still body in it. He slowly stepped forward, each step bringing into focus his boy’s face. He was perfect. Kris would have sworn he was asleep except that his stomach was still. Kris picked him up and cradled him in his arms. Tears splashed onto the baby’s face as he rocked his son, humming the tune he had written.
Adam stood outside the door, listening to his husband but not going in. He felt nothing. His heart still pounded but it had gone cold. He didn’t dare let himself feel or it would break him.
--*--
That night, after visiting hours ended, Kris and Adam checked into a nearby hotel. They couldn’t bring themselves to go home, not yet. They hadn’t said anything to each since Kris had gone to see their baby and when Kris suggested they go to a hotel, Adam just nodded silently.
They walked in and Kris headed to the bathroom to wash his face. He looked at himself in the mirror, the life in his red eyes dimmed. Kris looked away, dried his face and went back to Adam.
Adam was fully clothed, lying on his side on the double bed. His eyes were open but he wasn’t looking. Kris climbed onto the bed beside him. At first, he didn’t touch him but slowly, Kris made his way closer until he and Adam were spooning. Kris draped his arm over Adam’s stomach and rested his head against his husband’s shoulder. Adam didn’t pull him closer or push him away. There wasn’t anything to say, nothing that could make them feel better. They spent the night that way, not sleeping but not living either.
--*--
The next day, they visited Rachel again. She was going to be okay. They had all been reassured that none of them had done anything wrong, that there had been a medical problem with the baby and premature labor had been the natural result. Kris and Adam were speaking now but not about their feelings. They decided to take turns staying with Rachel until her family arrived that afternoon. Kris stayed first, talking nonsense and trying to get her spirits up, if not his own. Adam went off somewhere but came back when it was his turn. Kris took a break and Adam sat with Rachel. He tried to think about the right things to say but her parents arrived before he came up with any ideas. He left them alone and went outside to get some air. He took in a deep breathe, conscious of how his body lived and his son’s didn’t. A taxi dropped off a visitor and before it pulled away, Adam jumped in and gave the driver directions to his house.
Adam went upstairs to Rachel’s room and cleaned up the mess. He tossed the sheets in the garbage, along with the medical supplies the paramedics had littered the floor with. There was a stain on the mattress and Adam fetched soap and water, trying to scrub it out. The harder he scrubbed, the more the blood seemed to set in. Thoroughly exhausted and frustrated, Adam hauled up the queen sized mattress and dragged it down the hall and the long flight of stairs to their foyer. He opened the front door and tried to push it through but it kept flopping back and forth. Eventually it bumped against the door’s frame and Adam toppled with it, sliding down and landing on his ass.
He leaned back, trying to catch his breath and then the air caught in his throat and turned to sobs, gut wrenching sobs. He buried his face in his hands and finally gave in to his grief. His son was gone. Their baby, the little soul they had never met but loved more than anything, had been ripped from them and he couldn’t hold it together anymore. Adam slowly let himself fall over, curling into a ball in the middle of their foyer floor and filling the empty house with his cries.
A car pulled up in the driveway. Kris got out and approached the front door, Adam’s sobbing filtering into the late afternoon. Kris saw a mattress jammed in the opening, the blood stain, and he pushed his way through. He stood there silently, gazing at the grieving father, Adam’s pain washing over him and joining his. Kris collapsed beside his husband, touching his shoulder. Adam looked up, his eyes red and swollen, and reached out a shaking hand to his love. Kris pulled Adam up into his arms and they fell apart together, rocking and comforting each other. Their son was gone but they still had each other.
--*--
The burial was simple and the number of mourners small - Adam, Kris, Rachel, her parents, Adam’s parents, Kris’ parents and their brothers. They named their son Jonathon; it meant ‘gift of God’. They had a minister and a rabbi say blessings then they each took turns saying good bye.
The grandparents and uncles went first, followed by Rachel and her parents. Even though this wasn’t their grandchild, they suffered when their daughter suffered. Each of them left a single white rose on the grave marker, Rachel a bouquet.
Kris knelt down and placed a little cross and a rattle on the gravesite. It was under a big tree, similar to the one painted in the nursery. He had said his private good-byes at the hospital but he still had a few words to add.
“You were loved Jonathon and always will be. Your parents will never forget you.”
Kris stepped back and Adam knelt down. He was clinging to the teddy bear they had bought him. Adam ran his fingers over the engraved name, the little cross and the Star of David. He paused over the inscription ‘Beloved son of Adam and Kristopher’. He leaned the teddy bear against the stone and mouthed the words ‘I love you’, not able to make a sound.
He stood up and taking Kris’ hand, they walked back to the cars. Half way there, Adam let go and ran back to the grave. He sat down and rested his hand on the bear’s tummy, his head hanging low. At some point, he felt a familiar hand on his shoulder. Adam picked up the bear, not able to leave it behind, and let him mom take him back to his family.
Rachel and her parents got into a waiting limo. She was going back East to be with her family. Kris and Adam hugged her goodbye, as did their family. She had tried to give them life’s most precious gift and they were eternally grateful. They promised to stay in touch and then she was gone. More reminders of their child were gone.
Back at the house, Kris and Adam sat side by side on the couch, holding hands and not showing any emotion. Adam pressed the teddy bear to his heart. Their moms fixed something light to eat and their dads and brothers kept them company in the kitchen, letting Adam and Kris have some time alone.
“Maybe, maybe next year, we, we could try again,” Kris offered quietly, letting his private thoughts take wing.
Adam shook his head.
“No, no Kris I can’t, I can’t do this again, I can’t….can’t loose another child…I’d die if it happened, I know I would.”
Adam got up and left, running out of the house into the garden. He found a stone bench and cradled the teddy bear in his arm, touching its face and wishing he had had the courage to say good bye to his son in the hospital when Kris had. Kris had hummed the tune but Adam sung the words, the words Kris had yet to hear.
Back in the house, Kris joined their family in the kitchen. They asked where Adam was and all Kris could do was shake his head and let the tears flow once more.
--*--
They gradually got back to their lives again but there was a cloud hanging over everything they did. Kris’ mom had put the teddy bear back in the nursery before heading home and the guys had kept the room locked ever since, not touching a thing in it.
However, when Kris was alone in the house, he would sometimes unlock the door and sit in a rocker, holding Jonathon’s first teddy bear and rocking, imagining the life that could have been. Kris didn’t tell Adam about this, not wanting to explain why he did it when he didn’t know. Unknown to Kris, Adam had been doing the exact same thing when he was home alone.
December was really tough. Jonathon was supposed to be born in December. Kris and Adam didn’t buy any gifts, didn’t decorate for Hanukkah or Christmas, didn’t feel the hope and joy of the Season.
Their parents were really worried. Kim and Leila had an idea, one they had secretly put into motion at the beginning of November. After talking to her son one early December night and hearing the dulled pain in his voice even as he discussed working on his new album, Kim knew it was time to let their sons’ in on their plan. Kim flew in from Arkansas and Leila met her at the airport. They drove to their sons’ home with news they hoped would be received well.
Sitting around the kitchen table, Leila and Kim looked at their sweet boys then at each other, wondering who would take the plunge first.
“Kris, Adam, have you thought about adoption?” Kim asked cautiously, not sure how they would react.
“Adoption?” Kris asked, as if he’d never heard the word before.
“I know you both mean well but it’s too soon,” Adam quietly replied, touching Kris’ arm. “I don’t think we could handle waiting for another baby to be born, worrying every day that something will go wrong or that the mother would change her mind. No, no.”
Leila reached out to her son.
“It doesn’t have to be that way Adam. You could adopt a child that’s a little older, a precious little child needing someone to love them. We’ve been looking into it, Kim and I. We found an agency that deals in private adoptions and they know of a little girl who needs a loving home. Her name is Hannah and she’s two years old. Her parents died in a car accident last month and she needs you two. She’s living with her elderly grandfather and he wants her in a good home as soon as possible. No one has an issue with a gay couple adopting her. Are you interested?”
Kris and Adam looked at each other. Kim and Leila both wondered if they imagined the glimmer of hope in their eyes.
“What do you think Adam? Should we look into? It sounds like Hannah needs us.”
Adam didn’t want to get his hopes up. They could still be turned down but he didn’t miss the sound of hope in Kris’ voice. Maybe he could open up his heart a little.
“I guess it wouldn’t hurt to check it out. But I don’t want to meet her, meet Hannah, until the last signature is signed and she is completely and utterly ours. I don’t want the image of another lost child in my mind; it would be worse this time, in a way, because she would still be out there, alive but not ours. Am I making sense?” he asked his mom.
Leila and Kim hugged their sons.
“Whichever way you want to handle it is fine with us. Shall we give the agency a call?”
--*--
As it turned out, and no surprise to Kris and Adam, their moms had already filled out the paperwork to get the ball rolling and they were scheduled for an interview in two days. Under normal circumstance, it could take up to one year to adopt but since it was a private adoption and the paternal grandfather wanted her placed in a family quickly, Hannah could be theirs very soon.
Kris and Adam had been interviewed many times but the questions they faced this time felt more like an inquisition. Age and date of birth, nationality, race, or ethnicity; marital and family status and history; physical and mental health, including any addiction to alcohol or drugs; educational and employment history and any special skills; property and income, and current financial information; reason for wanting to adopt; whether they had ever been a respondent in a domestic violence proceeding or a proceeding concerning a minor who was allegedly abused, dependent, neglected, abandoned, or delinquent, and the outcome of the proceeding; whether they had ever been convicted of a crime other than a minor traffic violation; and any other fact or circumstance that may be relevant to a determination of their suitability to be adoptive parents, including the quality of the environment in the home.
They passed with flying colors, as far as the agency was concerned, but now they had to pass muster with Hannah’s grandfather. He was coming to their home the next to inspect it and them.
Adam contacted Drake again and they opened up the nursery, airing it out and redecorating it for a little girl. Drake pulled it off in record time, making it the cutest little girl’s room on the planet, all pink and yellow, a life sized doll house. Kris and Adam couldn’t bring themselves to get rid of Jonathon’s things so they packed them up carefully and stored them in the attic. The only gift they had bought for him that they kept in the room was his teddy bear. It sat beside the new teddy bear they bought Hannah. With help from Leila, they purchased clothes and everything they needed to get her started in her new life. Adam wouldn’t admit it, not even to himself, but it was fun buying frilly little outfits and that cold spot in his heart started to thaw.
The day of his visit, Adam kept running from room to room, making sure everything was perfect. He stopped at every mirror - there were many in the house naturally - checking out his appearance. Was he wearing too much make-up, should he go completely without, maybe his hair should be flatter, was he dressed like someone’s father…?”
Kris caught up with him and dragged him away from his reflection.
“Adam, calm down. You look wonderful. Every thing will be fine.”
“I don’t know Kris, they said he’s okay with us being gay but what if he changes his mind when he’s smacked in the face with it. He may not want his granddaughter raised by, by, by people like us.”
“Come here lover,” Kris calmly cooed, hugging his nervous wreck of a husband. “All we can do is be ourselves and prove to him that we are what Hannah needs.”
“Hannah is what we need.”
The doorbell rang and hand in hand, they welcomed their guests. The grandfather was accompanied by the adoption agent and his eyes grew large as he took in the grand, classic surroundings. He seemed impressed as he was given a tour of the house and grounds. He particularly liked the room they had prepared for Hannah. They finished in the kitchen around the table and sipped some coffee.
“So, I understand you two are married.”
He didn’t sound judgmental, just curious.
“Yes sir, we are,” Kris replied. Adam smiled, trying to project good vibes.
“How long?”
“Just over a year.”
“Why do you want to adopt my granddaughter?”
The boys were silent for a moment, practicing what they would say in their heads. Adam was the first to speak.
“You probably know we tried to have our own child, twice.”
The grandfather cocked his head.
“Yes, I read that in your profiles.”
“Then you know that we really want to have a child to call our own. We have great careers and families and love each other deeply,” he said, taking Kris’ hand, “but we have so much more love to give and we want to share everything we have with Hannah. She will be cherished and she will know every day of her life how much she is wanted and loved.”
Grandfather was silent, then dropped a bomb, a question they never expected.
“Who will be the mother in this family? I believe a child needs a mother as well as a father.”
Kris answered this time.
“We may be men but we can take on both jobs. Hannah will have two parents and when she needs her father, she will have two and when she needs her mother, she will have two. I’d say she’d be doubly blessed.”
Grandfather nodded, not commenting. He stood up and shook their hands, thanking them for their hospitality. He told them he’d think about it and let them know.
Kris and Adam saw him off and then hugged each other, releasing their held breath.
“How do you think it went?” Kris asked, kissing Adam softly.
“I haven’t a clue.”
--*--
Thoroughly exhausted and nervous wrecks, the Allen-Lamberts received a phone call four days before Christmas. Kris answered the phone, taking the news like a responsible, mature adult. Once he hung up, he screamed for Adam, unable to contain himself.
“My God, Kris, what happened?”
“That was the agency!”
Adam took in the tears and unreadable expression on his husband’s face. His heart sank.
“They turned us down, didn’t they?”
Kris hugged Adam long and hard, crying and laughing into his neck.
“They approved us, they approved us! She’s ours, Hannah’s ours!”
Adam hugged him back but wasn’t going to let his heart open wide until he had that little girl in his arms and a certificate identifying her as Hannah Kimberley Leila Allen-Lambert.
--*--
Adam sat on the front step, biting his nails and waiting for the car and his daughter to arrive. Kris was inside the house, putting the finishing touches on the holiday decorations. He had gone all out, decorating every room, including a little artificial tree and a little Menorah in the nursery. The base of the Christmas tree in the family room was buried in gifts from them, their family and all their friends, so happy their dream was finally coming true. There would be no guests this holiday; it was a private affair for three.
“Any signs of them?” Kris called, running outside, trying to straighten his tie.
“Not yet and I don’t think Hannah will notice the tie.” Adam stood up and placed his hands on his husband’s waist. “I, on the other hand, think you look handsome. Do you mind kissing somone’s, someone’s…” His voice drifted off.
“What’s wrong?”
Adam laughed.
“We never discussed what Hannah will call us. I don’t want her calling me ‘Father’ for her entire life.”
“Can I tell you what I’d like?”
“Sure, baby, what’s your new moniker?”
“Daddy. I want her to call me Daddy.”
Adam smiled, kissing the most adorable Daddy he had every met.
A horn honked and Leila’s car pulled up, the dim shadow of a little body in the back seat. Kris grabbed Adam’s arm, a huge smile on his face. Adam bit his bottom lip, ecstatic and scared to death. They were about to begin the biggest and most important project in their lives.
Leila opened the back door and leaned in, getting her granddaughter. Within minutes, standing on her own two chubby little legs, pretty as a picture in her purple dress, blond curls in pigtails, was their girl. She looked up warily through hazel eyes at everything around her. She held tight to Leila’s pant leg as she saw her fathers for the first time. Her thumb decided to hide in her mouth.
Leila gently pulled her thumb out and took her hand, helping her walk the few steps to her new parents. Nanna crouched beside her, taking Kris’ hand and bringing him down to Hannah’s level.
“Hannah, this is your…”
“Daddy. Hannah, I’m your Daddy.”
She looked at him, a million questions in her eyes, as she took a few steps ahead on her own and fell into him, circling his neck with her little arms.
“Da -ddy,” she cooed.
“She’s talking!” Kris laughed, hugging her back.
“Yeah, she talking and walking and getting into everything and she’d going to keep you two on your toes for a long time.”
Adam knelt down beside his husband. He played with one of her curls.
“Bring it on Sweetpea, we can take anything you through at us.”
“Sweetpea?” Kris and Leila declared together.
“What, she can’t have a cute nickname?”
Hannah looked at Adam, tilting her head sideways and biting her bottom lip, just like he did. She touched his face, his earrings, his necklace. Adam realized he hadn’t decided what she should call him! He didn’t have to worry though. Little Miss Allen-Lambert had already decided.
The word was kind of muffled. They heard ‘am-ba’ the first time.
“Did she just call you Mama?” Leila whispered, trying to hold back a snicker.
“I thought she said Gaga,” Kris commented, also trying not to laugh.
Hannah corrected them all. She leaned forward, her hands over Adam’s heart and repeated nice and clear.
“Pa-pa. Pa-pa.”
Adam gathered her up in a soon to be famous bear hug and kissed her cheek, his smile rivaled only by Kris’.
“Welcome home Hannah, welcome home.”
END OF FLASHBACK
<3 <3 <3
Adam’s eyes glistened in the firelight.
“You old softy,” Kris laughed, rubbing Adam’s hair.
“Hey, watch the do! I have to look my best when Santa comes.”
A hungry cry erupted from the baby monitor. Joshua was demanding attention too.
“That boy definitely inherited your lungs.”
Adam hurried upstairs to bring their son down, joining the family huddle. Adam held him tight, expertly handling a bottle. The hall clock chimed midnight.
“Merry Christmas Kris.”
“Happy Hannukah Adam.”
An adorable moan heralded the awakening of their princess. She looked at her Daddy and Papa and declared happily:
“Where are my presents?”
Author: cunningdeb
Inspired by: You’re All I Want for Christmas
Pairing: Kradam, Hannah, OMC
Rating: PG-13 for content
Disclaimer: Pure fiction. I have condensed the timeline for adoptions but I’m not an expert and wanted a tight story.
Summary: The story of how Hannah came into Kris and Adam’s lives
Warning: miscarriages, angst, death of a child
Notes: I alluded in the original story, “Return Engagement”, to what they had gone through to have a child, namely Hannah, and thought exploring that further around Christmas would be a good story.
Extra warning: Have a lot of tissue handy. I went through a box writing this.
A low fire snapped in the hearth, casting a soft glow on the family room. Father and daughter rested on the couch, her blond head in her Daddy’s lap and her thumb hovering near her little mouth. Kris gently played with her curls, twisting each bundle of strands around his finger and watching them bounce back in place, a content smile on his face.
Footsteps came down the hall and Papa appeared, carrying two hot toddies. He stopped and watched the picture before him. His heart ached at the beauty of it and he longed to join in the masterpiece that was his family.
“You’re doing it again,” Adam softly commented, setting his husband’s drink on the side table then joined them on the couch.
“How do you know?”
“Cause you’ve been doing this every Christmas for the past three years.”
Kris smiled.
“I can’t help but think how lucky we are to have two little angels in our lives. I know you think about it too.”
Adam stretched his arm over Kris’ shoulders.
“In all honesty, if I hadn’t volunteered to make the drinks, I’d probably have Hannah asleep on me instead.”
“Three years. I can’t believe it was only three years ago she became ours.”
“I know. It feels like she’s always been ours. I can’t believe I almost missed out on this,” Adam whispered, watching the rise and fall of her slumber.
Kris let go of Hannah’s curls and softly traced a finger down Adam’s cheek.
“Your heart was broken. You were afraid to hope again.”
“You suffered the loss as deeply as I did, but you were willing to try again. I’m glad I listened to you but what a year that was. It feels like it happened to two other people. I almost want to forget it happened.”
“Think of it as a holiday to remember...”
<3 <3 <3
FLASHBACK THREE YEARS
The Allen-Lambert household hadn’t been a happy place in quite some time. Anyone who came to visit could sense the loneliness and sadness hovering in the air. No one could blame them for feeling that way; fate had truly been cruel.
Just over a year earlier, around Thanksgiving, Adam and Kris went to a fertility clinic and with the help of a donor egg and a surrogate, they tried their first attempt to have a child. Both men donated sperm and several eggs were fertilized, with one attempt successful. They asked the doctor not to tell them who the biological father was - as far as they were concerned, the child would be theirs, both of theirs.
The insemination had taken and they celebrated the New Year with the overwhelming anticipation of being fathers by August. By the end of January, they lost the baby. They both took it hard but stayed positive, determined to try again.
In April, they found another surrogate - Rachel - and tried invitro again. It took a couple of tries but eventually was successful. Adam and Kris were over the moon. They would have a December baby!
Rachel was a single young woman and they took her into their home. She was cared for and pampered like nobody’s business. They hired a nutritionist/cook to prepare their meals and a trainer to help keep her healthy. Both men went with her to the doctor appointments and they even flew her family in for visits from Maine so she didn’t have to travel.
Kris and Adam were there for the first ultra sound. Adam held Rachel’s hand and Kris held his. At first they couldn’t make out what they were seeing; Adam joked later the baby looked like a space alien. The doctor flicked a switch and they got a 3D picture of their son, so tiny, so innocent. He was already sucking his thumb and Kris swore he waved at them. The baby was perfect and they cried. All three of them got a wallet sized photo to take home. The baby’s first picture.
Over the months, as Rachel’s stomach got larger, it hit them more and more that this was really happening. Seven months into the pregnancy, the boys asked Drake to design and decorate the nursery. They didn’t want a traditional blue on blue room so they went with sunny yellows and fresh greens. A canopy of trees was hand painted on the ceiling, the sun peaking through and little animals in the branches, standing watch. There were two rocking chairs and a treasure box full of stuffed toys. Adam and Kris had gone out and bought the first teddy bear and laid it in the crib, keeping it warm until their son arrived.
The day the nursery was finished became the blackest day in their lives.
Everything that October morning had been normal. They had breakfast together, Kris went off to a meeting with his management team and Adam disappeared into their home studio to write the lyrics to a tune Kris composed. It was a lullaby.
Rachel was feeling tired and wanted to have a nap. That wasn’t unusual; she got tired easily. Adam made her promise to call him on the intercom if she needed anything. A few hours later, Adam emerged, the song completed and ready to record. He hadn’t heard from Rachel so he went up to her room. He knocked softly but she didn’t answer. Maybe she was still asleep. Adam turned to leave then decided just to peek in on her. He opened the door.
“Rachel? Are you awake? It’s nearly lunchtime.”
She was on her back, a sheet over her. She was still, too still. The blind was down and Adam raised it. There was a smell in the air, something coppery. He turned towards the bed and saw the light sheet stained a dark red. Shaking, Adam slowly pulled the sheet back. A pool of blood spread out between her legs onto the mattress.
In shock, Adam just acted. He picked up the phone and called 911 then using the intercom, contacted their cook, telling him to wait for the ambulance. Adam fell down beside the bed, taking her hand. Rachel’s face was deathly white but she was still breathing. He talked soothingly until the paramedics came, unceremoniously ushering him aside so they could care for her.
As they loaded her in the ambulance, Adam hopped in. He pulled out his phone to call Kris but was told he couldn’t, not as long as he was in the ambulance. When they arrived at the hospital and Rachel was wheeled into emergency, Adam called his husband.
“Hey lover, what’s up?” Kris said, his voice full of happiness.
Adam didn’t answer. How could he tell him?
“Adam?” Kris asked again. A sense of dread came over him at the silence. “Adam? What’s wrong?”
“Rachel, Rachel’s in the hospital.” Adam voice was almost robotic.
“The hospital? Is it, is it the baby?”
“Hurry, please.”
Adam hung up, not telling Kris what hospital they were at. Kris called 911 and demanded they connect him to dispatch and tell him what hospital his son had been taken to. They told him and he flew out the door. He got behind the wheel and tried to start the car but his hand was shaking so much, he couldn’t get the key in the ignition.
His assistant, having seen him race out with explanation, had followed him and pounded on the side window. Kris opened the door and handed the shocked woman his car keys.
“Drive me to the hospital. Fast.”
As the car weaved between traffic, Kris closed his eyes and prayed. He had never pleaded with God before but it was all he could do.
--*--
Kris and Adam were emotionless, in shock. They sat in the waiting room, hands clasped tightly, not looking at each other or speaking. The doctor came out and told them the horrible news they had expected. Their baby was gone. They were given medical reasons but they didn’t matter. Their little son was gone.
After Rachel was stabilized and settled in her room, they sat with her as she slept. Kris called her family and told them what happened. He made arrangements to fly her parents out to LA to be with her.
The doctor told them she would sleep through the night and they’d call if anything changed.
Squeezing Adam’s hand, Kris swallowed hard and asked quickly before he lost his nerve, “Can we see him? Can we see our son?”
The doctor told them to wait in a nearby room and he’d make the arrangements.
The door closed behind them.
“I don’t want to see him,” Adam declared, walking to the window and staring into the darkness.
“I think you should.”
“Why, so I can remember our son dead instead of imagining him alive?”
“So we can acknowledge he existed and honor his memory.”
“Well, I’m glad for you if you can do that, but don’t ask me to.”
The doctor came in and told them their son was ready.
“Adam? Are you coming?” Kris asked softly, his voice weary.
Adam didn’t answer and Kris left.
Kris went into the empty hospital room and saw the little crib and the tiny, still body in it. He slowly stepped forward, each step bringing into focus his boy’s face. He was perfect. Kris would have sworn he was asleep except that his stomach was still. Kris picked him up and cradled him in his arms. Tears splashed onto the baby’s face as he rocked his son, humming the tune he had written.
Adam stood outside the door, listening to his husband but not going in. He felt nothing. His heart still pounded but it had gone cold. He didn’t dare let himself feel or it would break him.
--*--
That night, after visiting hours ended, Kris and Adam checked into a nearby hotel. They couldn’t bring themselves to go home, not yet. They hadn’t said anything to each since Kris had gone to see their baby and when Kris suggested they go to a hotel, Adam just nodded silently.
They walked in and Kris headed to the bathroom to wash his face. He looked at himself in the mirror, the life in his red eyes dimmed. Kris looked away, dried his face and went back to Adam.
Adam was fully clothed, lying on his side on the double bed. His eyes were open but he wasn’t looking. Kris climbed onto the bed beside him. At first, he didn’t touch him but slowly, Kris made his way closer until he and Adam were spooning. Kris draped his arm over Adam’s stomach and rested his head against his husband’s shoulder. Adam didn’t pull him closer or push him away. There wasn’t anything to say, nothing that could make them feel better. They spent the night that way, not sleeping but not living either.
--*--
The next day, they visited Rachel again. She was going to be okay. They had all been reassured that none of them had done anything wrong, that there had been a medical problem with the baby and premature labor had been the natural result. Kris and Adam were speaking now but not about their feelings. They decided to take turns staying with Rachel until her family arrived that afternoon. Kris stayed first, talking nonsense and trying to get her spirits up, if not his own. Adam went off somewhere but came back when it was his turn. Kris took a break and Adam sat with Rachel. He tried to think about the right things to say but her parents arrived before he came up with any ideas. He left them alone and went outside to get some air. He took in a deep breathe, conscious of how his body lived and his son’s didn’t. A taxi dropped off a visitor and before it pulled away, Adam jumped in and gave the driver directions to his house.
Adam went upstairs to Rachel’s room and cleaned up the mess. He tossed the sheets in the garbage, along with the medical supplies the paramedics had littered the floor with. There was a stain on the mattress and Adam fetched soap and water, trying to scrub it out. The harder he scrubbed, the more the blood seemed to set in. Thoroughly exhausted and frustrated, Adam hauled up the queen sized mattress and dragged it down the hall and the long flight of stairs to their foyer. He opened the front door and tried to push it through but it kept flopping back and forth. Eventually it bumped against the door’s frame and Adam toppled with it, sliding down and landing on his ass.
He leaned back, trying to catch his breath and then the air caught in his throat and turned to sobs, gut wrenching sobs. He buried his face in his hands and finally gave in to his grief. His son was gone. Their baby, the little soul they had never met but loved more than anything, had been ripped from them and he couldn’t hold it together anymore. Adam slowly let himself fall over, curling into a ball in the middle of their foyer floor and filling the empty house with his cries.
A car pulled up in the driveway. Kris got out and approached the front door, Adam’s sobbing filtering into the late afternoon. Kris saw a mattress jammed in the opening, the blood stain, and he pushed his way through. He stood there silently, gazing at the grieving father, Adam’s pain washing over him and joining his. Kris collapsed beside his husband, touching his shoulder. Adam looked up, his eyes red and swollen, and reached out a shaking hand to his love. Kris pulled Adam up into his arms and they fell apart together, rocking and comforting each other. Their son was gone but they still had each other.
--*--
The burial was simple and the number of mourners small - Adam, Kris, Rachel, her parents, Adam’s parents, Kris’ parents and their brothers. They named their son Jonathon; it meant ‘gift of God’. They had a minister and a rabbi say blessings then they each took turns saying good bye.
The grandparents and uncles went first, followed by Rachel and her parents. Even though this wasn’t their grandchild, they suffered when their daughter suffered. Each of them left a single white rose on the grave marker, Rachel a bouquet.
Kris knelt down and placed a little cross and a rattle on the gravesite. It was under a big tree, similar to the one painted in the nursery. He had said his private good-byes at the hospital but he still had a few words to add.
“You were loved Jonathon and always will be. Your parents will never forget you.”
Kris stepped back and Adam knelt down. He was clinging to the teddy bear they had bought him. Adam ran his fingers over the engraved name, the little cross and the Star of David. He paused over the inscription ‘Beloved son of Adam and Kristopher’. He leaned the teddy bear against the stone and mouthed the words ‘I love you’, not able to make a sound.
He stood up and taking Kris’ hand, they walked back to the cars. Half way there, Adam let go and ran back to the grave. He sat down and rested his hand on the bear’s tummy, his head hanging low. At some point, he felt a familiar hand on his shoulder. Adam picked up the bear, not able to leave it behind, and let him mom take him back to his family.
Rachel and her parents got into a waiting limo. She was going back East to be with her family. Kris and Adam hugged her goodbye, as did their family. She had tried to give them life’s most precious gift and they were eternally grateful. They promised to stay in touch and then she was gone. More reminders of their child were gone.
Back at the house, Kris and Adam sat side by side on the couch, holding hands and not showing any emotion. Adam pressed the teddy bear to his heart. Their moms fixed something light to eat and their dads and brothers kept them company in the kitchen, letting Adam and Kris have some time alone.
“Maybe, maybe next year, we, we could try again,” Kris offered quietly, letting his private thoughts take wing.
Adam shook his head.
“No, no Kris I can’t, I can’t do this again, I can’t….can’t loose another child…I’d die if it happened, I know I would.”
Adam got up and left, running out of the house into the garden. He found a stone bench and cradled the teddy bear in his arm, touching its face and wishing he had had the courage to say good bye to his son in the hospital when Kris had. Kris had hummed the tune but Adam sung the words, the words Kris had yet to hear.
Back in the house, Kris joined their family in the kitchen. They asked where Adam was and all Kris could do was shake his head and let the tears flow once more.
--*--
They gradually got back to their lives again but there was a cloud hanging over everything they did. Kris’ mom had put the teddy bear back in the nursery before heading home and the guys had kept the room locked ever since, not touching a thing in it.
However, when Kris was alone in the house, he would sometimes unlock the door and sit in a rocker, holding Jonathon’s first teddy bear and rocking, imagining the life that could have been. Kris didn’t tell Adam about this, not wanting to explain why he did it when he didn’t know. Unknown to Kris, Adam had been doing the exact same thing when he was home alone.
December was really tough. Jonathon was supposed to be born in December. Kris and Adam didn’t buy any gifts, didn’t decorate for Hanukkah or Christmas, didn’t feel the hope and joy of the Season.
Their parents were really worried. Kim and Leila had an idea, one they had secretly put into motion at the beginning of November. After talking to her son one early December night and hearing the dulled pain in his voice even as he discussed working on his new album, Kim knew it was time to let their sons’ in on their plan. Kim flew in from Arkansas and Leila met her at the airport. They drove to their sons’ home with news they hoped would be received well.
Sitting around the kitchen table, Leila and Kim looked at their sweet boys then at each other, wondering who would take the plunge first.
“Kris, Adam, have you thought about adoption?” Kim asked cautiously, not sure how they would react.
“Adoption?” Kris asked, as if he’d never heard the word before.
“I know you both mean well but it’s too soon,” Adam quietly replied, touching Kris’ arm. “I don’t think we could handle waiting for another baby to be born, worrying every day that something will go wrong or that the mother would change her mind. No, no.”
Leila reached out to her son.
“It doesn’t have to be that way Adam. You could adopt a child that’s a little older, a precious little child needing someone to love them. We’ve been looking into it, Kim and I. We found an agency that deals in private adoptions and they know of a little girl who needs a loving home. Her name is Hannah and she’s two years old. Her parents died in a car accident last month and she needs you two. She’s living with her elderly grandfather and he wants her in a good home as soon as possible. No one has an issue with a gay couple adopting her. Are you interested?”
Kris and Adam looked at each other. Kim and Leila both wondered if they imagined the glimmer of hope in their eyes.
“What do you think Adam? Should we look into? It sounds like Hannah needs us.”
Adam didn’t want to get his hopes up. They could still be turned down but he didn’t miss the sound of hope in Kris’ voice. Maybe he could open up his heart a little.
“I guess it wouldn’t hurt to check it out. But I don’t want to meet her, meet Hannah, until the last signature is signed and she is completely and utterly ours. I don’t want the image of another lost child in my mind; it would be worse this time, in a way, because she would still be out there, alive but not ours. Am I making sense?” he asked his mom.
Leila and Kim hugged their sons.
“Whichever way you want to handle it is fine with us. Shall we give the agency a call?”
--*--
As it turned out, and no surprise to Kris and Adam, their moms had already filled out the paperwork to get the ball rolling and they were scheduled for an interview in two days. Under normal circumstance, it could take up to one year to adopt but since it was a private adoption and the paternal grandfather wanted her placed in a family quickly, Hannah could be theirs very soon.
Kris and Adam had been interviewed many times but the questions they faced this time felt more like an inquisition. Age and date of birth, nationality, race, or ethnicity; marital and family status and history; physical and mental health, including any addiction to alcohol or drugs; educational and employment history and any special skills; property and income, and current financial information; reason for wanting to adopt; whether they had ever been a respondent in a domestic violence proceeding or a proceeding concerning a minor who was allegedly abused, dependent, neglected, abandoned, or delinquent, and the outcome of the proceeding; whether they had ever been convicted of a crime other than a minor traffic violation; and any other fact or circumstance that may be relevant to a determination of their suitability to be adoptive parents, including the quality of the environment in the home.
They passed with flying colors, as far as the agency was concerned, but now they had to pass muster with Hannah’s grandfather. He was coming to their home the next to inspect it and them.
Adam contacted Drake again and they opened up the nursery, airing it out and redecorating it for a little girl. Drake pulled it off in record time, making it the cutest little girl’s room on the planet, all pink and yellow, a life sized doll house. Kris and Adam couldn’t bring themselves to get rid of Jonathon’s things so they packed them up carefully and stored them in the attic. The only gift they had bought for him that they kept in the room was his teddy bear. It sat beside the new teddy bear they bought Hannah. With help from Leila, they purchased clothes and everything they needed to get her started in her new life. Adam wouldn’t admit it, not even to himself, but it was fun buying frilly little outfits and that cold spot in his heart started to thaw.
The day of his visit, Adam kept running from room to room, making sure everything was perfect. He stopped at every mirror - there were many in the house naturally - checking out his appearance. Was he wearing too much make-up, should he go completely without, maybe his hair should be flatter, was he dressed like someone’s father…?”
Kris caught up with him and dragged him away from his reflection.
“Adam, calm down. You look wonderful. Every thing will be fine.”
“I don’t know Kris, they said he’s okay with us being gay but what if he changes his mind when he’s smacked in the face with it. He may not want his granddaughter raised by, by, by people like us.”
“Come here lover,” Kris calmly cooed, hugging his nervous wreck of a husband. “All we can do is be ourselves and prove to him that we are what Hannah needs.”
“Hannah is what we need.”
The doorbell rang and hand in hand, they welcomed their guests. The grandfather was accompanied by the adoption agent and his eyes grew large as he took in the grand, classic surroundings. He seemed impressed as he was given a tour of the house and grounds. He particularly liked the room they had prepared for Hannah. They finished in the kitchen around the table and sipped some coffee.
“So, I understand you two are married.”
He didn’t sound judgmental, just curious.
“Yes sir, we are,” Kris replied. Adam smiled, trying to project good vibes.
“How long?”
“Just over a year.”
“Why do you want to adopt my granddaughter?”
The boys were silent for a moment, practicing what they would say in their heads. Adam was the first to speak.
“You probably know we tried to have our own child, twice.”
The grandfather cocked his head.
“Yes, I read that in your profiles.”
“Then you know that we really want to have a child to call our own. We have great careers and families and love each other deeply,” he said, taking Kris’ hand, “but we have so much more love to give and we want to share everything we have with Hannah. She will be cherished and she will know every day of her life how much she is wanted and loved.”
Grandfather was silent, then dropped a bomb, a question they never expected.
“Who will be the mother in this family? I believe a child needs a mother as well as a father.”
Kris answered this time.
“We may be men but we can take on both jobs. Hannah will have two parents and when she needs her father, she will have two and when she needs her mother, she will have two. I’d say she’d be doubly blessed.”
Grandfather nodded, not commenting. He stood up and shook their hands, thanking them for their hospitality. He told them he’d think about it and let them know.
Kris and Adam saw him off and then hugged each other, releasing their held breath.
“How do you think it went?” Kris asked, kissing Adam softly.
“I haven’t a clue.”
--*--
Thoroughly exhausted and nervous wrecks, the Allen-Lamberts received a phone call four days before Christmas. Kris answered the phone, taking the news like a responsible, mature adult. Once he hung up, he screamed for Adam, unable to contain himself.
“My God, Kris, what happened?”
“That was the agency!”
Adam took in the tears and unreadable expression on his husband’s face. His heart sank.
“They turned us down, didn’t they?”
Kris hugged Adam long and hard, crying and laughing into his neck.
“They approved us, they approved us! She’s ours, Hannah’s ours!”
Adam hugged him back but wasn’t going to let his heart open wide until he had that little girl in his arms and a certificate identifying her as Hannah Kimberley Leila Allen-Lambert.
--*--
Adam sat on the front step, biting his nails and waiting for the car and his daughter to arrive. Kris was inside the house, putting the finishing touches on the holiday decorations. He had gone all out, decorating every room, including a little artificial tree and a little Menorah in the nursery. The base of the Christmas tree in the family room was buried in gifts from them, their family and all their friends, so happy their dream was finally coming true. There would be no guests this holiday; it was a private affair for three.
“Any signs of them?” Kris called, running outside, trying to straighten his tie.
“Not yet and I don’t think Hannah will notice the tie.” Adam stood up and placed his hands on his husband’s waist. “I, on the other hand, think you look handsome. Do you mind kissing somone’s, someone’s…” His voice drifted off.
“What’s wrong?”
Adam laughed.
“We never discussed what Hannah will call us. I don’t want her calling me ‘Father’ for her entire life.”
“Can I tell you what I’d like?”
“Sure, baby, what’s your new moniker?”
“Daddy. I want her to call me Daddy.”
Adam smiled, kissing the most adorable Daddy he had every met.
A horn honked and Leila’s car pulled up, the dim shadow of a little body in the back seat. Kris grabbed Adam’s arm, a huge smile on his face. Adam bit his bottom lip, ecstatic and scared to death. They were about to begin the biggest and most important project in their lives.
Leila opened the back door and leaned in, getting her granddaughter. Within minutes, standing on her own two chubby little legs, pretty as a picture in her purple dress, blond curls in pigtails, was their girl. She looked up warily through hazel eyes at everything around her. She held tight to Leila’s pant leg as she saw her fathers for the first time. Her thumb decided to hide in her mouth.
Leila gently pulled her thumb out and took her hand, helping her walk the few steps to her new parents. Nanna crouched beside her, taking Kris’ hand and bringing him down to Hannah’s level.
“Hannah, this is your…”
“Daddy. Hannah, I’m your Daddy.”
She looked at him, a million questions in her eyes, as she took a few steps ahead on her own and fell into him, circling his neck with her little arms.
“Da -ddy,” she cooed.
“She’s talking!” Kris laughed, hugging her back.
“Yeah, she talking and walking and getting into everything and she’d going to keep you two on your toes for a long time.”
Adam knelt down beside his husband. He played with one of her curls.
“Bring it on Sweetpea, we can take anything you through at us.”
“Sweetpea?” Kris and Leila declared together.
“What, she can’t have a cute nickname?”
Hannah looked at Adam, tilting her head sideways and biting her bottom lip, just like he did. She touched his face, his earrings, his necklace. Adam realized he hadn’t decided what she should call him! He didn’t have to worry though. Little Miss Allen-Lambert had already decided.
The word was kind of muffled. They heard ‘am-ba’ the first time.
“Did she just call you Mama?” Leila whispered, trying to hold back a snicker.
“I thought she said Gaga,” Kris commented, also trying not to laugh.
Hannah corrected them all. She leaned forward, her hands over Adam’s heart and repeated nice and clear.
“Pa-pa. Pa-pa.”
Adam gathered her up in a soon to be famous bear hug and kissed her cheek, his smile rivaled only by Kris’.
“Welcome home Hannah, welcome home.”
END OF FLASHBACK
<3 <3 <3
Adam’s eyes glistened in the firelight.
“You old softy,” Kris laughed, rubbing Adam’s hair.
“Hey, watch the do! I have to look my best when Santa comes.”
A hungry cry erupted from the baby monitor. Joshua was demanding attention too.
“That boy definitely inherited your lungs.”
Adam hurried upstairs to bring their son down, joining the family huddle. Adam held him tight, expertly handling a bottle. The hall clock chimed midnight.
“Merry Christmas Kris.”
“Happy Hannukah Adam.”
An adorable moan heralded the awakening of their princess. She looked at her Daddy and Papa and declared happily:
“Where are my presents?”