Helpless Romantic: Smoking Cigarretes
Title: Helpless Romantic: Smoking Cigarettes
Author: sugakane_01
Character/Pairing: Aaron Hotchner and Spencer Reid
Rating/Genre: PG-13/Slash
Warnings: Slight spoilers from 100, language
Summary: It's been three weeks and Aaron hasn't found a way to let go.
Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or the song lyrics contained w/in this fic
Smoking Cigarettes
Late midnight hour
I see the etch of your face
And it makes it hard for me to breathe
What can I do to change your decision
Please work with me
Sometimes my eyes won't close from weeping
And sometimes I can't wake up from sleeping
Cuz you keep calling me, keep calling me in my dreams
I can't forget your ways
I still remember our first kiss
You got me nervous and trembling
Smoking cigarettes at night
Wondering where you been
Smoking cigarettes at night
I can't cope with this
Smoking cigarettes at night
You're the one to help me quit
Smoking cigarettes at night
~ Smoking Cigarettes, Tweet
Aaron looked out into the bullpen for what had to be the fourth time in the last five minutes. Spencer was in the middle of trading barbs with Morgan and Prentiss, and the smile on his face was so beautiful it nearly broke Aaron. The longing, want and overwhelming desire he felt whenever he looked at Spencer had been his constant companion since Spencer had moved out three weeks ago, taking Aaron's heart with him.
Aaron had known he hadn't been fair to Spencer since Haley's death. He'd been so angry, so guilt ridden and so ashamed of his failure that he put all his energy into mourning Haley and raising Jack, what little he had left he gave to the job, which meant he had nothing left to give to Spencer. He'd known he was hurting Spencer, losing him, breaking him down bit by bit but he hadn't been able to bring himself to stop. Aaron had been in a black hole and he'd convinced himself he'd never escape it, he'd decided his penance for Haley's death would be for him to spend the rest of his life suffering. Jack was the only one he'd allowed to penetrate his fortress of self imposed solitude. If not for his son, Aaron had no doubt he wouldn't have made it through the darkest of his days.
Spencer had given it everything he had. He'd been patient. He'd been kind. He'd been gentle and understanding. He'd begged, he'd pleaded, and he'd fought. The harder Spencer had tried, the more resentful Aaron had become. Happiness was something he didn't deserve and he began to resent Spencer for trying to make him feel it. He began to resent Spencer for not allowing him to wallow, for trying to drag him out of the void, and when Jack cried because Spencer couldn't do the voices in his bedtime story like his mommy used to he resented for Spencer for being alive while Haley was dead. Aaron had allowed that resentment, anger, guilt and sorrow build to the point where he'd actually put his hands on Spencer.
That incident had been enough to send Spencer out the door and raise some level of awareness in Aaron. He'd agreed to attend counseling, mostly just to get Spencer to come back home. He hadn't been quite ready to let it all go, to put down his burden but he also hadn't been ready to lose Spencer. He'd known he had to at least show Spencer he was making the effort.
Spencer had suggested he attend a support group and Aaron had agreed after weighing his options. At least in a group he wouldn't be forced to talk, if he met with an individual counselor he'd no doubt be expected to open up. He'd attended a couple of times, mostly to keep Spencer off his back but then at his third meeting he'd met Jaqueline.
When he'd first laid eyes on her for a split second all he could see was Haley. Then she'd spoken…her syrup thick southern Mississippi accent sounded nothing like Haley. It was a big enough difference put Aaron at ease and the guilt she felt over her fiancé's death served as a tie to bind the two together. They'd begun hanging out after meetings, then going for cups of coffee then lunch dates. They had chatted several times throughout the day and Aaron felt himself slowly thawing out.
Spencer had at first tried to be encouraging of Aaron's new friendship, but eventually he'd voiced his feelings that he was being pushed out. Aaron's reaction had been nothing short of vicious. He'd called Spencer selfish, insecure, and childish. He'd mocked Spencer, accused him of trying to control him, exploited every weakness Spencer had ever trusted him enough to confess to having in order to shame him into silence. And then Aaron had continued on, ignoring Spencer and focusing on Jaqueline. It wasn't that he was falling for her, it was that she was the one person in his life that didn't know about George Foyet and could accept Aaron for who he was now instead of waiting on who he'd been to come back.
He'd known he was being unfair but he couldn't reconcile who he was with who he'd been and Spencer's hopeful eyes, constantly searching for the man he'd fallen in love made him feel like a failure, while Jaqueline looked at him and simply saw Aaron. It had been so long since he'd simply been Aaron; he'd been Haley's husband, Jack's father, the team's leader, Spencer's lover, Foyet's victim…Aaron had been buried, lost under all of them and Jaqueline had been helping him find himself again.
Aaron wasn't stupid…he'd known that Jacqueline's interest in him was bordering on the edges of inappropriate. He'd been foolish enough, arrogant enough to believe he could keep her from stepping off that edge and keep Spencer from walking out the door. He'd been wrong on both counts.
It had come to a head three weeks ago. Aaron had skipped out on attending Spencer's birthday party in favor of staying home and surprisingly Spencer hadn't put up much of a fight to change his mind. Aaron had been in his study, doing paperwork when Dave called and demanded he "get off his ass, get over to Penelope's, and claim his boyfriend because that lecherous jazz musician who washed out of the academy after one day is putting the moves on him-and Spencer doesn't seem to mind." Aaron had blown Dave off, but regretted it later when Spencer didn't come home.
Looking back Aaron still didn't understand how something so small could have been the vehicle for his breakthrough but as he'd climbed into bed that night -after a covert, late night call to Penelope to ensure that Spencer was crashing at her place and not hooking up with his "old friend"-he glanced over to Spencer's side of the bed and saw his glasses on the nightstand. Aaron didn't know then and doesn't know now why the sight of his lover's glasses had been his undoing. He broke…he cried for Haley, he cried for Jack, he cried for the broken promises and missed opportunities and he cried for every day since Haley's death that he'd spent punishing Spencer for daring to love him when he couldn't love himself.
When he'd finished he'd felt an odd sense of peace…something he hadn't felt since before Foyet crashed into his life. It hadn't magically cured him, but it had given him clarity. One thing Aaron knew was that he had to stop sending mixed signals to Jaqueline. He'd come to care for the young woman but there was nothing romantic about his feelings for her. He needed to make it clear to her that he was a friend, a source of support, but nothing more. He also needed to make sure that Spencer knew he was loved mind and body, heart and soul.
The following day had shown Aaron he had reached these realizations far too late. At his lunch with Jaqueline she had kissed him and informed him she'd gotten a room for the two of them at the hotel across the street. Aaron had let her down gently, but firmly, to which she'd responded by throwing her drink in his face. Aaron had then returned to office to be informed by Dave, in a tone that can only be defined as accusatory, that Spencer had gone to lunch with Ethan and asked Dave for the rest of the day off-which Dave had no choice but to agree to since Spencer had finished not only his files but two of Prentiss' as well.
Aaron had then taken the rest of the day off and gone home to wait for Spencer, who returned home that evening looking happier than he had in months. Aaron had wanted to tell the younger man about his breakthrough and recommit himself to their relationship but before he could say a word Spencer had told him he thought it best if they called it quits.
Aaron Hotchner, the king of control, had lost it in that moment. He'd yelled, he'd pleaded, he'd even played the Jack card but the Spencer that he'd always been able to bend to his will hadn't been the person standing before him and none of it had the desired effect.
"Spencer, I know I hurt you. But there are things I need to tell you and if you'd just listen-"Aaron had started.
Spencer had let one solitary tear slip down his face and then squared his shoulders. "Aaron, sometimes things can be salvaged and sometimes they can't. Sometimes things just…are out of your hands. I tried Aaron; I gave this everything I had. But I can't do this anymore. I don't deserve this and neither do you. So...go ahead and talk. You can say whatever like…as long as when you're done we say goodbye."
"You can't leave Spencer. What would we tell Jack?" Aaron tried again.
Spencer's gaze never wavered, in that moment Spencer Reid was NOT a blinker. "We'll tell him he's amazing, perfect and loved more than he knows. We'll tell him he's the best little boy in the world and he didn't do anything wrong. We'll tell him I won't ever stop loving him or leave him behind." Spencer had stopped then and looked at Aaron, "And if he's really angry, if he's really upset and he needs someone to blame we'll blame it on me. We'll say its my fault. If it comes down to it I'd rather he be angry with me than you."
Aaron hadn't known what to say to that, so he'd just nodded and left. He'd been devastated that he was being forced to give up Spencer when he'd just showed him just how much the younger man loved him and his son. He and Spencer had broken the news to Jack the next day and Spencer had moved out officially that weekend.
And here he was, three weeks later, pretending to be fine, sitting in his office with his life in shambles, stealing glances at the person with the power to put it all back together. He wanted to run down to bullpen, grab Spencer and kiss him breathless. He wanted to drag Spencer up to his office, strip him of every piece of fabric, and take him. He wanted Spencer back…in his arms, his bed, his life because the man had never left his heart.
"A closed mouth never gets fed, Aaron." Rossi said, his voice in the doorway snapping Aaron from his thoughts. "You keep staring at Reid like that and he's gonna have one hell of a sexual harassment case against you."
Aaron gave Dave his best I'm the Unit Chief So Don't Fuck With Me glare. "Did you want something Dave?" Aaron ground out.
"Not nearly as badly as you do." Rossi countered, coming into Aaron's office, dropping a file on his desk and walking away.
Aaron picked up the file, and read the first few sentences a half dozen times before giving up and shoving it away from him. He stole another glance at Spencer then closed his eyes and sighed.
"He misses you too." JJ's soft voice sounded from the doorway and shook Aaron out of his thoughts. She made her way over to Hotch and sat on the corner of his desk. "He's hurt and he's bone tired Hotch, but he still loves you and its killing him not to be with you and Jack. If you want him back, you are going to have to do more than sit up here and brood." She added fiercely.
Hotch turned to look at Spencer again. "What makes you so sure he wants to come back?" Aaron asked quietly. He knew Spencer was once again staying with JJ and Will and if anyone knew his mindset she did.
"Because I know Spence," JJ answered, "Because he's spent every night this week telling stories that start with the words Aaron and Jack, because he changes into pajamas as soon as he gets home and won't go out no matter what kind of retribution Penelope threatens, because he isn't sleeping and he read Henry The Little Match Girl as a bedtime story last night. Because," JJ looked Aaron in the eyes, "when you aren't looking down there at him, he's looking up here at you." JJ turned and made her way to the door.
"Hotch." She said, pausing before she left, "he isn't going to come back to you. If you want him, you're going to have to go and get him." With that JJ exited, leaving Aaron alone with his thoughts.
If you want him, you're going to have to go and get him. JJ's words hit home. Aaron wanted. He wanted badly. And Aaron Hotchner was a man who got what he wanted. He took a deep breath, formulated a plan and got out his cell phone and sent a text. Dinner tonight. 7 my place. Please.
It seemed like forever but eventually Aaron's phone beeped with the return message. Ok
For the first time in three weeks Aaron smiled.
Author: sugakane_01
Character/Pairing: Aaron Hotchner and Spencer Reid
Rating/Genre: PG-13/Slash
Warnings: Slight spoilers from 100, language
Summary: It's been three weeks and Aaron hasn't found a way to let go.
Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or the song lyrics contained w/in this fic
Smoking Cigarettes
Late midnight hour
I see the etch of your face
And it makes it hard for me to breathe
What can I do to change your decision
Please work with me
Sometimes my eyes won't close from weeping
And sometimes I can't wake up from sleeping
Cuz you keep calling me, keep calling me in my dreams
I can't forget your ways
I still remember our first kiss
You got me nervous and trembling
Smoking cigarettes at night
Wondering where you been
Smoking cigarettes at night
I can't cope with this
Smoking cigarettes at night
You're the one to help me quit
Smoking cigarettes at night
~ Smoking Cigarettes, Tweet
Aaron looked out into the bullpen for what had to be the fourth time in the last five minutes. Spencer was in the middle of trading barbs with Morgan and Prentiss, and the smile on his face was so beautiful it nearly broke Aaron. The longing, want and overwhelming desire he felt whenever he looked at Spencer had been his constant companion since Spencer had moved out three weeks ago, taking Aaron's heart with him.
Aaron had known he hadn't been fair to Spencer since Haley's death. He'd been so angry, so guilt ridden and so ashamed of his failure that he put all his energy into mourning Haley and raising Jack, what little he had left he gave to the job, which meant he had nothing left to give to Spencer. He'd known he was hurting Spencer, losing him, breaking him down bit by bit but he hadn't been able to bring himself to stop. Aaron had been in a black hole and he'd convinced himself he'd never escape it, he'd decided his penance for Haley's death would be for him to spend the rest of his life suffering. Jack was the only one he'd allowed to penetrate his fortress of self imposed solitude. If not for his son, Aaron had no doubt he wouldn't have made it through the darkest of his days.
Spencer had given it everything he had. He'd been patient. He'd been kind. He'd been gentle and understanding. He'd begged, he'd pleaded, and he'd fought. The harder Spencer had tried, the more resentful Aaron had become. Happiness was something he didn't deserve and he began to resent Spencer for trying to make him feel it. He began to resent Spencer for not allowing him to wallow, for trying to drag him out of the void, and when Jack cried because Spencer couldn't do the voices in his bedtime story like his mommy used to he resented for Spencer for being alive while Haley was dead. Aaron had allowed that resentment, anger, guilt and sorrow build to the point where he'd actually put his hands on Spencer.
That incident had been enough to send Spencer out the door and raise some level of awareness in Aaron. He'd agreed to attend counseling, mostly just to get Spencer to come back home. He hadn't been quite ready to let it all go, to put down his burden but he also hadn't been ready to lose Spencer. He'd known he had to at least show Spencer he was making the effort.
Spencer had suggested he attend a support group and Aaron had agreed after weighing his options. At least in a group he wouldn't be forced to talk, if he met with an individual counselor he'd no doubt be expected to open up. He'd attended a couple of times, mostly to keep Spencer off his back but then at his third meeting he'd met Jaqueline.
When he'd first laid eyes on her for a split second all he could see was Haley. Then she'd spoken…her syrup thick southern Mississippi accent sounded nothing like Haley. It was a big enough difference put Aaron at ease and the guilt she felt over her fiancé's death served as a tie to bind the two together. They'd begun hanging out after meetings, then going for cups of coffee then lunch dates. They had chatted several times throughout the day and Aaron felt himself slowly thawing out.
Spencer had at first tried to be encouraging of Aaron's new friendship, but eventually he'd voiced his feelings that he was being pushed out. Aaron's reaction had been nothing short of vicious. He'd called Spencer selfish, insecure, and childish. He'd mocked Spencer, accused him of trying to control him, exploited every weakness Spencer had ever trusted him enough to confess to having in order to shame him into silence. And then Aaron had continued on, ignoring Spencer and focusing on Jaqueline. It wasn't that he was falling for her, it was that she was the one person in his life that didn't know about George Foyet and could accept Aaron for who he was now instead of waiting on who he'd been to come back.
He'd known he was being unfair but he couldn't reconcile who he was with who he'd been and Spencer's hopeful eyes, constantly searching for the man he'd fallen in love made him feel like a failure, while Jaqueline looked at him and simply saw Aaron. It had been so long since he'd simply been Aaron; he'd been Haley's husband, Jack's father, the team's leader, Spencer's lover, Foyet's victim…Aaron had been buried, lost under all of them and Jaqueline had been helping him find himself again.
Aaron wasn't stupid…he'd known that Jacqueline's interest in him was bordering on the edges of inappropriate. He'd been foolish enough, arrogant enough to believe he could keep her from stepping off that edge and keep Spencer from walking out the door. He'd been wrong on both counts.
It had come to a head three weeks ago. Aaron had skipped out on attending Spencer's birthday party in favor of staying home and surprisingly Spencer hadn't put up much of a fight to change his mind. Aaron had been in his study, doing paperwork when Dave called and demanded he "get off his ass, get over to Penelope's, and claim his boyfriend because that lecherous jazz musician who washed out of the academy after one day is putting the moves on him-and Spencer doesn't seem to mind." Aaron had blown Dave off, but regretted it later when Spencer didn't come home.
Looking back Aaron still didn't understand how something so small could have been the vehicle for his breakthrough but as he'd climbed into bed that night -after a covert, late night call to Penelope to ensure that Spencer was crashing at her place and not hooking up with his "old friend"-he glanced over to Spencer's side of the bed and saw his glasses on the nightstand. Aaron didn't know then and doesn't know now why the sight of his lover's glasses had been his undoing. He broke…he cried for Haley, he cried for Jack, he cried for the broken promises and missed opportunities and he cried for every day since Haley's death that he'd spent punishing Spencer for daring to love him when he couldn't love himself.
When he'd finished he'd felt an odd sense of peace…something he hadn't felt since before Foyet crashed into his life. It hadn't magically cured him, but it had given him clarity. One thing Aaron knew was that he had to stop sending mixed signals to Jaqueline. He'd come to care for the young woman but there was nothing romantic about his feelings for her. He needed to make it clear to her that he was a friend, a source of support, but nothing more. He also needed to make sure that Spencer knew he was loved mind and body, heart and soul.
The following day had shown Aaron he had reached these realizations far too late. At his lunch with Jaqueline she had kissed him and informed him she'd gotten a room for the two of them at the hotel across the street. Aaron had let her down gently, but firmly, to which she'd responded by throwing her drink in his face. Aaron had then returned to office to be informed by Dave, in a tone that can only be defined as accusatory, that Spencer had gone to lunch with Ethan and asked Dave for the rest of the day off-which Dave had no choice but to agree to since Spencer had finished not only his files but two of Prentiss' as well.
Aaron had then taken the rest of the day off and gone home to wait for Spencer, who returned home that evening looking happier than he had in months. Aaron had wanted to tell the younger man about his breakthrough and recommit himself to their relationship but before he could say a word Spencer had told him he thought it best if they called it quits.
Aaron Hotchner, the king of control, had lost it in that moment. He'd yelled, he'd pleaded, he'd even played the Jack card but the Spencer that he'd always been able to bend to his will hadn't been the person standing before him and none of it had the desired effect.
"Spencer, I know I hurt you. But there are things I need to tell you and if you'd just listen-"Aaron had started.
Spencer had let one solitary tear slip down his face and then squared his shoulders. "Aaron, sometimes things can be salvaged and sometimes they can't. Sometimes things just…are out of your hands. I tried Aaron; I gave this everything I had. But I can't do this anymore. I don't deserve this and neither do you. So...go ahead and talk. You can say whatever like…as long as when you're done we say goodbye."
"You can't leave Spencer. What would we tell Jack?" Aaron tried again.
Spencer's gaze never wavered, in that moment Spencer Reid was NOT a blinker. "We'll tell him he's amazing, perfect and loved more than he knows. We'll tell him he's the best little boy in the world and he didn't do anything wrong. We'll tell him I won't ever stop loving him or leave him behind." Spencer had stopped then and looked at Aaron, "And if he's really angry, if he's really upset and he needs someone to blame we'll blame it on me. We'll say its my fault. If it comes down to it I'd rather he be angry with me than you."
Aaron hadn't known what to say to that, so he'd just nodded and left. He'd been devastated that he was being forced to give up Spencer when he'd just showed him just how much the younger man loved him and his son. He and Spencer had broken the news to Jack the next day and Spencer had moved out officially that weekend.
And here he was, three weeks later, pretending to be fine, sitting in his office with his life in shambles, stealing glances at the person with the power to put it all back together. He wanted to run down to bullpen, grab Spencer and kiss him breathless. He wanted to drag Spencer up to his office, strip him of every piece of fabric, and take him. He wanted Spencer back…in his arms, his bed, his life because the man had never left his heart.
"A closed mouth never gets fed, Aaron." Rossi said, his voice in the doorway snapping Aaron from his thoughts. "You keep staring at Reid like that and he's gonna have one hell of a sexual harassment case against you."
Aaron gave Dave his best I'm the Unit Chief So Don't Fuck With Me glare. "Did you want something Dave?" Aaron ground out.
"Not nearly as badly as you do." Rossi countered, coming into Aaron's office, dropping a file on his desk and walking away.
Aaron picked up the file, and read the first few sentences a half dozen times before giving up and shoving it away from him. He stole another glance at Spencer then closed his eyes and sighed.
"He misses you too." JJ's soft voice sounded from the doorway and shook Aaron out of his thoughts. She made her way over to Hotch and sat on the corner of his desk. "He's hurt and he's bone tired Hotch, but he still loves you and its killing him not to be with you and Jack. If you want him back, you are going to have to do more than sit up here and brood." She added fiercely.
Hotch turned to look at Spencer again. "What makes you so sure he wants to come back?" Aaron asked quietly. He knew Spencer was once again staying with JJ and Will and if anyone knew his mindset she did.
"Because I know Spence," JJ answered, "Because he's spent every night this week telling stories that start with the words Aaron and Jack, because he changes into pajamas as soon as he gets home and won't go out no matter what kind of retribution Penelope threatens, because he isn't sleeping and he read Henry The Little Match Girl as a bedtime story last night. Because," JJ looked Aaron in the eyes, "when you aren't looking down there at him, he's looking up here at you." JJ turned and made her way to the door.
"Hotch." She said, pausing before she left, "he isn't going to come back to you. If you want him, you're going to have to go and get him." With that JJ exited, leaving Aaron alone with his thoughts.
If you want him, you're going to have to go and get him. JJ's words hit home. Aaron wanted. He wanted badly. And Aaron Hotchner was a man who got what he wanted. He took a deep breath, formulated a plan and got out his cell phone and sent a text. Dinner tonight. 7 my place. Please.
It seemed like forever but eventually Aaron's phone beeped with the return message. Ok
For the first time in three weeks Aaron smiled.