Remember - Tomapi - :D
Title: Remember
Author: Sam
Rating: R
Fandom: Tomapi
Summary: The greatest thing about being human was that you didn't have to remember.
A/N: Tomapi is love. It truely is.
"But you're going," was all he said, staring Toma down in one movement that made everything else seem blurry. It wasn't because he is crying, Yamapi tells himself. He isn't. He wasn't. There were no tears. Not even an emotion. Toma wasn't here for anything. He was there for kicks. For that night. For that one moment of dessert, he wasn't sticking around for the guiltiness that came with the indulgence. Toma had told him that. He's said it, straight up.
We won't remember.
Toma had whispered into the dark night air, when Yamapi had still been trying to watch the movie and not pay attention to the fact that Toma's body was so close to his now on the couch. People can do that, Tomohisa. They can forget all they want. They don't have to remember.
Toma's voice had been serious, a flat line that had inched its way into Yamapi's soul like a knife. Cut right into it. Yamapi should have been prepared. Protected against it. Toma was like this. Crazy and hyper one moment and the next a block of stoic ice, ready to be chiseled.
Yamapi puts his hand on Toma's cheek and thinks about the next part, remembering agreeing with Toma. Defence mechanism. Selective memory. He'd laughed and smiled and slid over slightly, eyes still reflecting the bright light of the big screen T.V.
He'd agreed. He'd agreed to that. He'd agreed that now Toma would go away. That now he'd run. I'm good at that. Are you?
Toma had slid over and Yamapi had brushed his thigh and felt all of his cool go away and for a moment he had believed that he could do this whole one night deal and never mention it again. It was just sex. There was only one goal in mind for that night. And once they'd both received it, it had to be over, didn't it?
The next moment, Toma had been in his lap, his legs straddling Yamapi's hips, and his mouth hot and sexy and tasting new and old and fresh and familiar. It had been a kiss of paradoxes. A kiss of friends who were having a one night thing. Telling each other they would forget, even when they were already remembering.
Toma's little sounds. The same ones Yamapi had remembered. The same one he had always heard. It echoed in the air even now as Toma stares at him, afraid to move, afraid to speak. Yamapi's thumb brushes his cheek, all gentle and demanding and Yamapi knows Toma feels broken inside and lost. Last night they had driven him to pushing a hand up Toma's shirt, to grabbing at Toma and pulling Toma closer. Closer than a friend, even closer than a lover.
I want you. Yamapi forgets who said it first, and it's funny because he should have been able to remember that. But right now. He knew he shouldn't remember how they had grabbed for each other and kissed their way into Yamapi's bedroom. To leave the TV playing, the sound of the movie a backdrop to the action. He knows he shouldn't remember the way Toma had sort of fell into the bed in that perfect sort of way that he'd always imagined even when he shouldn't have. And of course, the way Toma squirmed and felt beneath him, his hands on Yamapi's abs telling Yamapi that he was sexy and beautiful and that Toma had always thought so, was forbidden in his memory.
Yamapi sighs and stares at Toma, while Toma glares up at him, his battle fighting, the generals lining up, tearing his mind apart and making him wonder what if. What if he didn't run away? What if he remembered? What if he didn't forget? Toma closes his eyelids and blinks slowly, nuzzling into Yamapi's hand in the way that makes him think of how Toma had felt on top of him, his mouth on his, the feel of Toma's body, the way Toma touched his jaw, and kissed it.
"Tomohisa." Yamapi sighs again and Toma does too, a for once second Yamapi remembered what it had sounded like for Toma to pant his name. For one second and then he forgets, his thoughts drifting downwards, as he tries to hold on to some of them, that are melting like snow in the heat.
"Toma." Yamapi says Toma's name and Toma's eyes brighten for once second, and Yamapi wonders what Toma wants him to say. What Toma needs to hear, what will make everything better again.
The light in Toma's eyes stays and he grins in a sort of grin that is neither happy nor sad, just a nameless emotion of feeling. Yamapi tries to grin back, and tries to not think about how Toma had touched him so softly, fingertips drifting over pieces of skin that Yamapi had never known was sensitive. He tries not to believe that Toma had known what and where and how and why everything felt so good. He tries and tries to not think about the word with it's harsh letters and neither had said but both had thought.
He tries not to replay Toma's mouth on him, and his mouth on Toma. And he tries and he tries and he tries so hard that he can't think straight for a moment. That all he knows that if Toma leaves, if Toma and the night and day and moment all blend into forgotteness that he'll never be able to remember and think and be.
"Toma, don't, I -" Yamapi starts but can't finish as Toma reaches over and brushes a piece of fringe out of his eyes. He's not brushing tears, nor is he shushing Yamapi, he's not trying to comfort Yamapi. He's just touching him. And it's not like how he had last night. It's friendly, and something that everyone did. Everyone touches Yamapi like that. It's not special or sweet or kind. It's just normal. Everything about the two of them is normal. Or at least, that's what Yamapi tells himself as he tries to gulp and forget. Forget it and forget himself.
Toma's hand lingers on Yamapi's mouth and Yamapi tries not to think, tries not to remember.
"Can we forget tomorrow?" Toma asks and Yamapi answers back "tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow."
::
Heart or not? And anyone know where the last line is from? Serious, people, you should know. <3