SPN Ficlet: Evil Help is Hard to Find
Title: Evil Help is Hard to Find
Characters: The Demon, henchdemons
Classification: "Monster Cam", missing scene, Devil's Trap, ficlet, humour
Rating: PG13? K+?
Warnings: None
Word Count: 1170 words
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just playing. Playplayplay.
Summary: John might not be the only one having trouble with subordinates following orders. Missing scene from the Season 1 episode "Devil's Trap". POV The Demon. Goofiness, with some apologies to Monty Python.
Originally posted September 12, 2006 at fanfiction.net
Evil Help is Hard to Find
by CaffieneKitty
- - -
"Now, you two." said the Demon, examining John's fingernails and wondering if it would be any fun pulling them off while he in possession of the man's body. Probably not worth the effort, but maybe later. First things first. "Do I need to go over the plan with you again?" he said, sitting on the bed while the possessed pair restrained his feet.
"I still don't understand, sir," said the demon in the male of the pair.
That was the problem with the lesser demons. Stolid, unimaginative, and not that bright. They made passable guards, usually. "You don't need to understand, just follow your instructions."
"It's just... we're guarding you?"
"Yes."
"But... why?" said the demon inside the female. "Anything that would be a threat to you would take us out no problem."
"An imp with a hangover would take you losers out. It's so that the Winchester boys don't realize it's a set-up when they come to rescue me."
"The Winchester boys are coming to rescue you? But they-"
"Not me, their Daddy." With his still-free left hand he pointed at the chest of the person he was wearing.
"You're the Winchesters' father?" said the female of the pair, looking up from restraining his other hand. "Wow, that's a twist."
How in the many names of Hell could he be getting a headache when it wasn't his head? "Do not make me annihilate you. You can be replaced, but it would be annoying, and I really don't have the time to make staff changes at this stage of the game. Just stand out front-"
"Can we sit, or do we have to stand?"
The Demon glared blankly at the possessed man restraining his left hand. "Are you joking?"
"Uh, do you want me to joke, sir?"
"Never mind," the Demon growled. "Just stay in the apartment and act like you're guarding me."
"Oh, so instead of guarding you we're just acting like we are? I can do that." The possessed male grinned.
A sense of foreboding rose at what this imbecile's idea of acting like a guard would entail. Possibly tights. "No. Actually guard me as though I was John. But let the Winchesters rescue me."
"But if we're guarding you, we shouldn't let you escape. Should we?"
"Yeah," added the female, "if we don't try and stop them then we aren't-"
"No, try and stop them. Only don't."
There was a moment just then where he thought they may have left their hosts with out him noticing as the pair of them stood in an unblinking, vacant stupor.
"Uh... But..." began the male.
"Look. It's simple. We need to trick them into thinking they've rescued their dad, so-"
"So you are their father then?" said the female.
"No, I'm not! John Winchester is their father and I've possessed him! When they rescue him, they'll be rescuing me."
"But you don't need to be rescued," said the female, frowning.
"Yeah, you can go anytime you want," added the male. "You sure don't need the Winchesters to rescue you from us, you could take out both of us with a thought."
The Demon clenched John's teeth. "You do not want to remind me how easy it would be for me to eradicate you two right now. Focus!"
"Yessir," they chorused.
Simple, keep it simple. "Just pretend I'm John Winchester and guard me."
"But you aren't John... are you?"
"No."
"But you could be John," added the possessed woman, looking alarmedly at her cohort, "and just be pretending to be possessed to put us off guard..."
Oh great. Now they were trying to think. "No! If I was John would I be asking you two fools to guard me?"
"Maybe?" said the female. "We've heard he's sneaky like that."
"And you're asking us to guard you but not really guard you and let you escape, which is something he might do to, you know, get away," said the male with an expression like the sequence of thoughts involved in generating that statement had possibly burst something vital in his borrowed brain.
"Maybe he fought off the possession, even after all the rituals and stuff," continued the female. "Maybe you're just faking it."
"Yeah! Can you prove you're possessed?"
The Demon blinked slowly at the pair of body-bound demons in front of him. What circle of Hell do these idiots come from and why have they been inflicted on me? he thought as he slammed them into opposite walls of the small apartment.
"Uh," wheezed the male as air was crushed from his host's chest cavity. "Okay. Sorry sir."
"Damn right you're sorry. You're the sorriest couple of demons I've ever met."
"Yessir, sorry sir," squeaked the female.
Mashing their host bodies into a fine paste and setting them on fire wouldn't serve any useful purpose at the moment, but there was always hope. The Demon reluctantly released them.
"Just guard me like you'd guard John, only make sure his sons escape with me."
"Uh... but..."
"Just do it! My son will be in the back alley to make you guys seem like less of a farce."
"Ohhh!" said the male with a tone like a long-awaited sunrise dawning, "So he's going to keep the Winchesters from getting away with you?" said the male. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"Hey, yeah, if he's guarding you, why do you even need us anyways?" asked the female.
"No, no, no, he's letting them escape with me too, he's only there to add verisimilitude."
"Uh..."
"Believability."
"Er..."
The Demon sighed. "Extra thumping."
"Oh, okay, got it."
"So you two just guard the way you usually guard. I'm sure the plan will go fine without you needing to assist it." If their abject incompetence didn't wreck things, that is. "But for the sake of all that's unholy, don't let them salt you into the closet. You'll blow your credibility completely."
"Um, just in case, what should we do if that happens?" said the female
"Are you new?" The Demon snarled. "Dispossess your host, go through the ventilation system and possess someone that isn't salted into a closet!"
"Ooo! Ooo! Can I pick my next host myself if that happens? Because, uh, I don't normally do girls."
The Demon was suddenly finding it extremely difficult to suppress the urge to set the apartment on fire.
The male called from the door to the front room. "Um, sorry, was that 'don't let them salt us into the closet', or 'let them salt us into the closet'? I missed that bit. I was kind of looking at the meat sacks' CD collection. Didja see? They've got-"
"All right, that's it, both of you!" The Demon roared. "Your talking privileges on this plane of existence are hereby revoked." The Demon paused to watch them gawp for a moment, gratifyingly silent. "Go stand in the other room, or sit, squat, roll around on the carpet, whatever, I don't care! Try not to look too pathetic and useless when the Winchesters come in to rescue their father, which for the last time is not me, I'm just wearing him. Now if you'll excuse me," the Demon said, gritting John's teeth, and settling his head back on the mattress, "I have to go torment John some more. Thanks to you morons, he's now in here with me, laughing his ass off at us."
- - -
Characters: The Demon, henchdemons
Classification: "Monster Cam", missing scene, Devil's Trap, ficlet, humour
Rating: PG13? K+?
Warnings: None
Word Count: 1170 words
Disclaimer: Not mine. Just playing. Playplayplay.
Summary: John might not be the only one having trouble with subordinates following orders. Missing scene from the Season 1 episode "Devil's Trap". POV The Demon. Goofiness, with some apologies to Monty Python.
Originally posted September 12, 2006 at fanfiction.net
Evil Help is Hard to Find
by CaffieneKitty
- - -
"Now, you two." said the Demon, examining John's fingernails and wondering if it would be any fun pulling them off while he in possession of the man's body. Probably not worth the effort, but maybe later. First things first. "Do I need to go over the plan with you again?" he said, sitting on the bed while the possessed pair restrained his feet.
"I still don't understand, sir," said the demon in the male of the pair.
That was the problem with the lesser demons. Stolid, unimaginative, and not that bright. They made passable guards, usually. "You don't need to understand, just follow your instructions."
"It's just... we're guarding you?"
"Yes."
"But... why?" said the demon inside the female. "Anything that would be a threat to you would take us out no problem."
"An imp with a hangover would take you losers out. It's so that the Winchester boys don't realize it's a set-up when they come to rescue me."
"The Winchester boys are coming to rescue you? But they-"
"Not me, their Daddy." With his still-free left hand he pointed at the chest of the person he was wearing.
"You're the Winchesters' father?" said the female of the pair, looking up from restraining his other hand. "Wow, that's a twist."
How in the many names of Hell could he be getting a headache when it wasn't his head? "Do not make me annihilate you. You can be replaced, but it would be annoying, and I really don't have the time to make staff changes at this stage of the game. Just stand out front-"
"Can we sit, or do we have to stand?"
The Demon glared blankly at the possessed man restraining his left hand. "Are you joking?"
"Uh, do you want me to joke, sir?"
"Never mind," the Demon growled. "Just stay in the apartment and act like you're guarding me."
"Oh, so instead of guarding you we're just acting like we are? I can do that." The possessed male grinned.
A sense of foreboding rose at what this imbecile's idea of acting like a guard would entail. Possibly tights. "No. Actually guard me as though I was John. But let the Winchesters rescue me."
"But if we're guarding you, we shouldn't let you escape. Should we?"
"Yeah," added the female, "if we don't try and stop them then we aren't-"
"No, try and stop them. Only don't."
There was a moment just then where he thought they may have left their hosts with out him noticing as the pair of them stood in an unblinking, vacant stupor.
"Uh... But..." began the male.
"Look. It's simple. We need to trick them into thinking they've rescued their dad, so-"
"So you are their father then?" said the female.
"No, I'm not! John Winchester is their father and I've possessed him! When they rescue him, they'll be rescuing me."
"But you don't need to be rescued," said the female, frowning.
"Yeah, you can go anytime you want," added the male. "You sure don't need the Winchesters to rescue you from us, you could take out both of us with a thought."
The Demon clenched John's teeth. "You do not want to remind me how easy it would be for me to eradicate you two right now. Focus!"
"Yessir," they chorused.
Simple, keep it simple. "Just pretend I'm John Winchester and guard me."
"But you aren't John... are you?"
"No."
"But you could be John," added the possessed woman, looking alarmedly at her cohort, "and just be pretending to be possessed to put us off guard..."
Oh great. Now they were trying to think. "No! If I was John would I be asking you two fools to guard me?"
"Maybe?" said the female. "We've heard he's sneaky like that."
"And you're asking us to guard you but not really guard you and let you escape, which is something he might do to, you know, get away," said the male with an expression like the sequence of thoughts involved in generating that statement had possibly burst something vital in his borrowed brain.
"Maybe he fought off the possession, even after all the rituals and stuff," continued the female. "Maybe you're just faking it."
"Yeah! Can you prove you're possessed?"
The Demon blinked slowly at the pair of body-bound demons in front of him. What circle of Hell do these idiots come from and why have they been inflicted on me? he thought as he slammed them into opposite walls of the small apartment.
"Uh," wheezed the male as air was crushed from his host's chest cavity. "Okay. Sorry sir."
"Damn right you're sorry. You're the sorriest couple of demons I've ever met."
"Yessir, sorry sir," squeaked the female.
Mashing their host bodies into a fine paste and setting them on fire wouldn't serve any useful purpose at the moment, but there was always hope. The Demon reluctantly released them.
"Just guard me like you'd guard John, only make sure his sons escape with me."
"Uh... but..."
"Just do it! My son will be in the back alley to make you guys seem like less of a farce."
"Ohhh!" said the male with a tone like a long-awaited sunrise dawning, "So he's going to keep the Winchesters from getting away with you?" said the male. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"Hey, yeah, if he's guarding you, why do you even need us anyways?" asked the female.
"No, no, no, he's letting them escape with me too, he's only there to add verisimilitude."
"Uh..."
"Believability."
"Er..."
The Demon sighed. "Extra thumping."
"Oh, okay, got it."
"So you two just guard the way you usually guard. I'm sure the plan will go fine without you needing to assist it." If their abject incompetence didn't wreck things, that is. "But for the sake of all that's unholy, don't let them salt you into the closet. You'll blow your credibility completely."
"Um, just in case, what should we do if that happens?" said the female
"Are you new?" The Demon snarled. "Dispossess your host, go through the ventilation system and possess someone that isn't salted into a closet!"
"Ooo! Ooo! Can I pick my next host myself if that happens? Because, uh, I don't normally do girls."
The Demon was suddenly finding it extremely difficult to suppress the urge to set the apartment on fire.
The male called from the door to the front room. "Um, sorry, was that 'don't let them salt us into the closet', or 'let them salt us into the closet'? I missed that bit. I was kind of looking at the meat sacks' CD collection. Didja see? They've got-"
"All right, that's it, both of you!" The Demon roared. "Your talking privileges on this plane of existence are hereby revoked." The Demon paused to watch them gawp for a moment, gratifyingly silent. "Go stand in the other room, or sit, squat, roll around on the carpet, whatever, I don't care! Try not to look too pathetic and useless when the Winchesters come in to rescue their father, which for the last time is not me, I'm just wearing him. Now if you'll excuse me," the Demon said, gritting John's teeth, and settling his head back on the mattress, "I have to go torment John some more. Thanks to you morons, he's now in here with me, laughing his ass off at us."
- - -