Enigma Variations, 30B: Time to Shine, part 2
Title: Enigma Variations, 30B/?: Time to Shine, part 2
Summary: Howard gets some more answers
Rating: R
Warnings: more tentacles and too much information
Spoilers: Tony’s tea goes cold
Length: about 1700 words
Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters, I just borrow them to play with now and again (and again and again and again). For twisted love, not for profit
Notes: this is the dodgiest part of the whole plan, so feel free to point out the remaining gaping plot-holes!
Enigma Variations
30 Time to Shine, part 2
“We made a good team.”
Tony catches Howard’s eye, and grins. “Yeah, I know, we’re an unlikely combination, but I’d sworn ’im my solemn shamanic oath to do my best to rescue Naboo, an’ Vince’d… well, proved ’is commitment, as you know.”
Howard looks away from those knowing blue eyes. “I don’t want to hear any more about that.”
“Well, that’s good, because I’m not goin’ to talk any more about that. Vince may not be the brightest lamp in the street, but I tell you what, he’s a sight easier to work with than that up-himself Saboo. A shaman gets tired of bein’ called a ballsack an’ a cleft all the time.” Tony dips a tentacle in his remaining tea. “Cold. Never mind… Well, you know the next bit.”
“The Shaman Council gave you a ship, and you went to the alien planet.”
“Yup. Vince flew pilot, an’ did a surprisingly good job, considerin’.”
“But Dennis didn’t seem to have a plan for what should happen when you got there, and then we heard you’d arrived, but then nothing.” Howard clenches his fists. “It was maddening.”
Tony grins. “The D-Man might not’ve ’ad a plan, but you’d reckoned without the native ingenuity of the H-Man. ’Fraid the maddenin’ part was my fault - I knocked out the ship’s long-range comm systems as soon as we got there, so I wouldn’t have the Board findin’ out stuff I’d rather they didn’t, if you get my drift. Cos I already had a plan, better than anythin’ that bunch of losers had come up with, but it could cost me me reputation as an interplanetary sexual athlete an’ it might not even work.”
“And the plan was…?”
“All in good time. This is my story, an’ I’ll tell it in me own maddenin’ way.” Tony winks at Howard, who somehow suppresses the urge to hit him over the head with his own floral teapot. “I teleported in, an’ of course those seven-way deviants arrested me on the spot, but I exercised me tentacular rights an’ got an audience with the Representative for External Affairs, blimey, right fat ugly cow she was, snot-green an’ three times my size, an’ argumentative to boot.”
“A suggestion was made by the Head Shaman,” Howard says tentatively, “that you and she… umm… came to another business arrangement…”
“Like I said, I ’ave a reputation to keep up. An’ she was guiltily smitten at first sight of yours truly, which helped. It helped a lot. Kinky bitch. I led ’er along a bit, did some smooth signalling” - Tony bats his eyelashes, and wiggles his appendages suggestively - “an’ before things went any further, I got her to show me that our Naboolio was still… well, they called it ‘undamaged’ but that was stretchin’ the truth a bit… How’s he doin’, by the way?”
“He’s mending. There’s some way to go yet, but he’s in good hands, he’s got Bollo and Saboo to look after him and Vince to do his hair…”
“Good to hear it. He was in a bad way when they took me to the holdin’ area. Nothin’ much left of ’im but skin an’ bone, poor little sod. Never thought I’d feel sorry for Naboo…”
Howard’s heart twists. He can imagine that scene all too well, too. He recalls holding the little shaman in his arms, light and fragile as a bird… With an effort, he tunes in to Tony’s voice again.
“… there was nothin’ else I could’ve offered that they might’ve wanted, poetic justice as you might say… so I just went ahead an’ did the deal without bringin’ Vince into it.”
“You mean, you offered yourself in exchange?”
“Yeah, I know, it surprises me too. I’d made Vince a promise, but seein’ that mound of wobblin’ green flesh I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go through with it, until I was standin’ there lookin’ through the glass of that tank.” Tony shakes his head, nearly falling off his couch in the process. “When Naboo looked up, an’ recognized me… I’d signalled ‘yes’ before I’d even thought about it. An’ thankfully she took it at face value, waved to the guards an’ had Naboo unplugged an’ teleported back to the ship.”
“And Vince had to fly it back on his own?”
“The H-Man had that covered. Necessary, given Vince’s driving skills. I’d done a bit of tinkerin’ with a few circuits en route, an’ the capsule was already auto-programmed to get back to Xooberon the minute it detected that two sentient life-forms were aboard. That was the dodgiest part of the whole plan - ropey old crate, that thing is - but it must’ve worked, or you wouldn’t be ’ere.”
Howard shakes his head in confusion. “But… But Dennis knew you’d made an exchange. He was trying to tell Saboo that, the night they brought Naboo home. Bollo knew, too, but they didn’t want to talk about it in front of Naboo. So why all the secrecy?”
Tony shrugs. “Well, of course he knew I’d bin left behind, they could hardly fail to notice my absence. The Representative let me send an official communication to the Council to say I was OK an’ doin’ diplomatic negotiations, which I ’oped would cement my reputation as a selfless ’ero, an’ also stop Vince worryin’ too much… but who knows what else goes on in that empty space between Dennis’s ears? He probably just didn’t want the little guy to feel bad that I’d been held in his place. Wouldn’t have helped his recovery, thinkin’ of someone else stuck on that filthy planet with those mutant asymmetricals.”
“So what happened to you after they got away? And how did you get home?”
“Ah, well, this is the part that’s strictly between you and me.” Tony leans forward, conspiratorially. “The official story is that the Representative an’ me struck up such a ‘successful diplomatic relationship’ that she agreed to give me whatever I wanted, includin’ my release an’ a transport device, so I could come back to Earth all heroic twice over, both for savin’ Naboo an’ for my non-violent conquest of an enemy alien species. An’ I knew that anybody who knew me would assume I’d given the Representative such mindblowing, non-stop sex that she’d agreed to me terms while in a blissful haze of post-coital exhaustion and ecstasy. So I’d be an ’ero all over again.”
“But… that isn’t actually what happened?”
“No, not exactly.” Tony sighs. “This is deeply embarrassin’ for someone of my prowess an’ sexual reputation, so I’ll thank you not to go repeatin’ it.”
“Your secret is safe with me, sir.”
“It better had be. Cause I’ll come after you an’ cut your ’ead off an’ fuck your stump into the middle of next week if you ever tell anyone this. That… thing… took me to her private swamp in the diplomatic quarter for a night of passion, an’ I was all prepared to shag ’er brains out, once I’d figured out how many she had an’ where they were… but she took one look at me awesome multi-hexagonal alien penis an’…”
“Fainted?” Howard suggests.
“No. Much worse. I’m blushin’ now, not that it shows. It’s never happened to the H-Man before, but…” Tony’s voice drops to a whisper. “She was disappointed.”
“Oh, dear.”
“Yeah. So disappointed that she totally lost it, threw a wobbly you could ’ear for miles around, we were discovered in flagrante tentaculo, summarily convicted of sexual deviancy and both sent to the correction facility.”
“You mean - they put you in one of those tanks?”
“Don’t look so ’orrified, it wasn’t a big deal. I’m a related species, remember? An’ I’d ’ad a quick taste of the drips on the floor, when they pulled out Naboo. I knew whatever was in there wouldn’t ’urt me. But they didn’t know I knew that. So they stuck me in an’ left me for the guards to ’ave their fun with.”
Howard can hardly bear to ask the question that Tony’s clearly waiting for. “What - what did they do to you?”
“Nothin’ much. They may have eight brains apiece, but they’re a pretty unimaginative lot when push comes to shove. An’ surprisin’ly squeamish. Most of ’em couldn’t ’andle me pretty pigmentation an’ the aesthetically pleasin’ combination of bilateral an’ rotational symmetry, an’ none of ’em could bear to touch me or listen to the musical sound of me voice, so I just sat there chattin’ away an’ wavin’ me appendages until I became so fuckin’ annoyin’ that one night they hauled me out of that nice bath, stuck me on Naboo’s old carpet and fired me off the planet so hard I came all the way back to Earth.”
“And nobody noticed?”
Tony chuckles. “Oh, they must’ve noticed all right. But they couldn’t exactly pursue it without causin’ a scandal. The tabloid papers there are as bad as the Earth ones, although they’re a more interestin’ shape... The new Representative sent a message coverin’ it all up, telling Dennis the incident is closed an’ not to bother goin’ there ever again. Not that anyone in their right mind would want to. So that’s that.”
“That’s… quite a story.” Howard’s head is still spinning. “And thank you for telling me. But I still can’t see what’s screwed Vince up so badly.”
“Maybe you’re not lookin’ in the right place.”
“You, sir, are -”
“Maddenin’?” Harrison grins. “I’m also right. Go ’ome an’ think about it.”
And before Howard can move to stop him, he’s extended a tentacle and fished the transport amulet halfway out of Howard’s pocket. “Give Vince my love,” he says, and presses the button.
Howard materialises in the bathroom in the flat, and is thankful that there’s nobody in there. His head’s aching fiercely; he splashes some cold water on his face, and presses a towel over his eyes. He can still see shiny pinkness, still hear the nasal tones of Harrison’s voice in his head.
“Can’t ave bin easy for ’im, seeing the littlun in that state.”
Of course.
Howard thinks about kicking himself, but looks at his battered, bruised left wrist and doesn’t.
He’s taken enough punishment for one day. A decent cup of tea is what he needs now, and he’ll make one for Vince too, and start some diplomatic negotiations of his own.
Summary: Howard gets some more answers
Rating: R
Warnings: more tentacles and too much information
Spoilers: Tony’s tea goes cold
Length: about 1700 words
Disclaimer: I don’t own these characters, I just borrow them to play with now and again (and again and again and again). For twisted love, not for profit
Notes: this is the dodgiest part of the whole plan, so feel free to point out the remaining gaping plot-holes!
Enigma Variations
30 Time to Shine, part 2
“We made a good team.”
Tony catches Howard’s eye, and grins. “Yeah, I know, we’re an unlikely combination, but I’d sworn ’im my solemn shamanic oath to do my best to rescue Naboo, an’ Vince’d… well, proved ’is commitment, as you know.”
Howard looks away from those knowing blue eyes. “I don’t want to hear any more about that.”
“Well, that’s good, because I’m not goin’ to talk any more about that. Vince may not be the brightest lamp in the street, but I tell you what, he’s a sight easier to work with than that up-himself Saboo. A shaman gets tired of bein’ called a ballsack an’ a cleft all the time.” Tony dips a tentacle in his remaining tea. “Cold. Never mind… Well, you know the next bit.”
“The Shaman Council gave you a ship, and you went to the alien planet.”
“Yup. Vince flew pilot, an’ did a surprisingly good job, considerin’.”
“But Dennis didn’t seem to have a plan for what should happen when you got there, and then we heard you’d arrived, but then nothing.” Howard clenches his fists. “It was maddening.”
Tony grins. “The D-Man might not’ve ’ad a plan, but you’d reckoned without the native ingenuity of the H-Man. ’Fraid the maddenin’ part was my fault - I knocked out the ship’s long-range comm systems as soon as we got there, so I wouldn’t have the Board findin’ out stuff I’d rather they didn’t, if you get my drift. Cos I already had a plan, better than anythin’ that bunch of losers had come up with, but it could cost me me reputation as an interplanetary sexual athlete an’ it might not even work.”
“And the plan was…?”
“All in good time. This is my story, an’ I’ll tell it in me own maddenin’ way.” Tony winks at Howard, who somehow suppresses the urge to hit him over the head with his own floral teapot. “I teleported in, an’ of course those seven-way deviants arrested me on the spot, but I exercised me tentacular rights an’ got an audience with the Representative for External Affairs, blimey, right fat ugly cow she was, snot-green an’ three times my size, an’ argumentative to boot.”
“A suggestion was made by the Head Shaman,” Howard says tentatively, “that you and she… umm… came to another business arrangement…”
“Like I said, I ’ave a reputation to keep up. An’ she was guiltily smitten at first sight of yours truly, which helped. It helped a lot. Kinky bitch. I led ’er along a bit, did some smooth signalling” - Tony bats his eyelashes, and wiggles his appendages suggestively - “an’ before things went any further, I got her to show me that our Naboolio was still… well, they called it ‘undamaged’ but that was stretchin’ the truth a bit… How’s he doin’, by the way?”
“He’s mending. There’s some way to go yet, but he’s in good hands, he’s got Bollo and Saboo to look after him and Vince to do his hair…”
“Good to hear it. He was in a bad way when they took me to the holdin’ area. Nothin’ much left of ’im but skin an’ bone, poor little sod. Never thought I’d feel sorry for Naboo…”
Howard’s heart twists. He can imagine that scene all too well, too. He recalls holding the little shaman in his arms, light and fragile as a bird… With an effort, he tunes in to Tony’s voice again.
“… there was nothin’ else I could’ve offered that they might’ve wanted, poetic justice as you might say… so I just went ahead an’ did the deal without bringin’ Vince into it.”
“You mean, you offered yourself in exchange?”
“Yeah, I know, it surprises me too. I’d made Vince a promise, but seein’ that mound of wobblin’ green flesh I wasn’t sure I’d be able to go through with it, until I was standin’ there lookin’ through the glass of that tank.” Tony shakes his head, nearly falling off his couch in the process. “When Naboo looked up, an’ recognized me… I’d signalled ‘yes’ before I’d even thought about it. An’ thankfully she took it at face value, waved to the guards an’ had Naboo unplugged an’ teleported back to the ship.”
“And Vince had to fly it back on his own?”
“The H-Man had that covered. Necessary, given Vince’s driving skills. I’d done a bit of tinkerin’ with a few circuits en route, an’ the capsule was already auto-programmed to get back to Xooberon the minute it detected that two sentient life-forms were aboard. That was the dodgiest part of the whole plan - ropey old crate, that thing is - but it must’ve worked, or you wouldn’t be ’ere.”
Howard shakes his head in confusion. “But… But Dennis knew you’d made an exchange. He was trying to tell Saboo that, the night they brought Naboo home. Bollo knew, too, but they didn’t want to talk about it in front of Naboo. So why all the secrecy?”
Tony shrugs. “Well, of course he knew I’d bin left behind, they could hardly fail to notice my absence. The Representative let me send an official communication to the Council to say I was OK an’ doin’ diplomatic negotiations, which I ’oped would cement my reputation as a selfless ’ero, an’ also stop Vince worryin’ too much… but who knows what else goes on in that empty space between Dennis’s ears? He probably just didn’t want the little guy to feel bad that I’d been held in his place. Wouldn’t have helped his recovery, thinkin’ of someone else stuck on that filthy planet with those mutant asymmetricals.”
“So what happened to you after they got away? And how did you get home?”
“Ah, well, this is the part that’s strictly between you and me.” Tony leans forward, conspiratorially. “The official story is that the Representative an’ me struck up such a ‘successful diplomatic relationship’ that she agreed to give me whatever I wanted, includin’ my release an’ a transport device, so I could come back to Earth all heroic twice over, both for savin’ Naboo an’ for my non-violent conquest of an enemy alien species. An’ I knew that anybody who knew me would assume I’d given the Representative such mindblowing, non-stop sex that she’d agreed to me terms while in a blissful haze of post-coital exhaustion and ecstasy. So I’d be an ’ero all over again.”
“But… that isn’t actually what happened?”
“No, not exactly.” Tony sighs. “This is deeply embarrassin’ for someone of my prowess an’ sexual reputation, so I’ll thank you not to go repeatin’ it.”
“Your secret is safe with me, sir.”
“It better had be. Cause I’ll come after you an’ cut your ’ead off an’ fuck your stump into the middle of next week if you ever tell anyone this. That… thing… took me to her private swamp in the diplomatic quarter for a night of passion, an’ I was all prepared to shag ’er brains out, once I’d figured out how many she had an’ where they were… but she took one look at me awesome multi-hexagonal alien penis an’…”
“Fainted?” Howard suggests.
“No. Much worse. I’m blushin’ now, not that it shows. It’s never happened to the H-Man before, but…” Tony’s voice drops to a whisper. “She was disappointed.”
“Oh, dear.”
“Yeah. So disappointed that she totally lost it, threw a wobbly you could ’ear for miles around, we were discovered in flagrante tentaculo, summarily convicted of sexual deviancy and both sent to the correction facility.”
“You mean - they put you in one of those tanks?”
“Don’t look so ’orrified, it wasn’t a big deal. I’m a related species, remember? An’ I’d ’ad a quick taste of the drips on the floor, when they pulled out Naboo. I knew whatever was in there wouldn’t ’urt me. But they didn’t know I knew that. So they stuck me in an’ left me for the guards to ’ave their fun with.”
Howard can hardly bear to ask the question that Tony’s clearly waiting for. “What - what did they do to you?”
“Nothin’ much. They may have eight brains apiece, but they’re a pretty unimaginative lot when push comes to shove. An’ surprisin’ly squeamish. Most of ’em couldn’t ’andle me pretty pigmentation an’ the aesthetically pleasin’ combination of bilateral an’ rotational symmetry, an’ none of ’em could bear to touch me or listen to the musical sound of me voice, so I just sat there chattin’ away an’ wavin’ me appendages until I became so fuckin’ annoyin’ that one night they hauled me out of that nice bath, stuck me on Naboo’s old carpet and fired me off the planet so hard I came all the way back to Earth.”
“And nobody noticed?”
Tony chuckles. “Oh, they must’ve noticed all right. But they couldn’t exactly pursue it without causin’ a scandal. The tabloid papers there are as bad as the Earth ones, although they’re a more interestin’ shape... The new Representative sent a message coverin’ it all up, telling Dennis the incident is closed an’ not to bother goin’ there ever again. Not that anyone in their right mind would want to. So that’s that.”
“That’s… quite a story.” Howard’s head is still spinning. “And thank you for telling me. But I still can’t see what’s screwed Vince up so badly.”
“Maybe you’re not lookin’ in the right place.”
“You, sir, are -”
“Maddenin’?” Harrison grins. “I’m also right. Go ’ome an’ think about it.”
And before Howard can move to stop him, he’s extended a tentacle and fished the transport amulet halfway out of Howard’s pocket. “Give Vince my love,” he says, and presses the button.
Howard materialises in the bathroom in the flat, and is thankful that there’s nobody in there. His head’s aching fiercely; he splashes some cold water on his face, and presses a towel over his eyes. He can still see shiny pinkness, still hear the nasal tones of Harrison’s voice in his head.
“Can’t ave bin easy for ’im, seeing the littlun in that state.”
Of course.
Howard thinks about kicking himself, but looks at his battered, bruised left wrist and doesn’t.
He’s taken enough punishment for one day. A decent cup of tea is what he needs now, and he’ll make one for Vince too, and start some diplomatic negotiations of his own.