ATTF Assassins and Administration

[alphaflyer]

We’ve all seen them, those blow-uppy action movies.  The kind that ends (or middles, because the very last thing is usually a fist fight) with 57 smashed-up vehicles littering the flyover and the streets below, including a school bus, a Greyhound, a semi-truck with a Humpty Dumpty logo and at least six police cars?  Or the ones with a shootout that

Comments

[scribble_myname]

Love, love, love Permit A38 and loved the other one long time ago. Thinking I'm going to have to fic something about those safehouses....

[alphaflyer]

YES. You must!! I have stuck references to Clint complaining about the inadequacies of SHIELD safehouses, or the "Accommodation and Property Section", into a number of my fics (Warmth, Silver Bells and one of the ficlets in Bandaids come to mind) but it would be interesting to read one from their POV.

"We keep getting complaints about the conditions of the sheets, whenever Barton and Romanoff have been some place. This is the third one in four weeks."

"Send out that memo again, then. You know, the one about how to get the blood out? It's not rocket science, is it."

"Emm ..."

"What is it? Come on, spit it out. I got work to do. That place in Yerevan, where Barton stashed the zombie monks? The owner wants compensation -- he can't the smell out."

"Emmm ... It's not blood they're complaining about."

[scribble_myname]

Oh my goodness, hilarious.

Will get right on that. I just had to go wrap up my remix first. Which, wrapped. Yay.

[happilydancing]

I'm try to...I just...

LMAO

[jacedesbff]

Oh, wow, there is a *great* story about there about the clean-up crew that has to come in after SHIELD blows things up. Then one day Steve shows up to help. Not a Clintasha fic, but a good team fic, and a fascinating look at what goes on behind the scenes. Now if only I could remember at ALL what it's called... Humph! The concept is awesome, though. :-)

[scribble_myname]

I think I bookmarked it. Let me go look...

Drat it. Not finding it. Sorry.

[inkvoices]

Is it this one: Just Another Day by Jenna/JKByers?

[scribble_myname]

Yes! That's the one I was thinking of.

[happilydancing]

OMG SHIELD pension plan. Folks are probably now PISSED. I'm assuming they wouldn't be recieved now that SHIELD is gone, right? Or would they?

I'm just imagining a whole lotta people applying for unemployment.

Also...Astana, Quito and Milton Keynes...can I admit I have never heard of any of these places? So unsophisticated!

[alphaflyer]

Believe me, Astana is not worth knowing. (See 'Warmth'...)

But yes! To the pension plan issue. I remember the woes here in Silicone Valley North when a lot of the HiTech firms crashed, and pensions were lost ...

And unemployment? Imagine Clint having to try and file:

"I apologize for the wait, Mr. Barton. Recession, you know. So, what did you do for the government?"

"I kill people."

"Now, Mr. Barton. I realize you've been standing in line for three hours, but that is no reason to get snarky. I'm a government employee too, you know. we're practically colleagues."

"No, really. I kill people. Including Nazi bureaucrats."

"Very funny, Mr. Barton. Dying of laughter here. I'll put down 'stand-up comic' then."

"Remember that African dictator that died mysteriously in a hail of arrows a few years back? Was all over the news. And that guy they found in TriBeCa last night? Nazi bureaucrat, that last one."

"Oh. My. Holy ... Yessir. Whatever you say, sir."

"Right. Oh, and assassin has four 's'."

[scribble_myname]

Oy. I want this fic. :makes grabby hands:

[happilydancing]

Ok, unlike this government employee, I really am dying of laughter!!!

[frea_o]

There's a great not-Clintasha-at-all (I think if anything it's Bruce/Clint) fic where Coulson sits all of the Avengers down and makes them fill out superhero related paperwork, which includes selecting a candidate to have sex with you in the event of a sex-pollen attack. The Avengers talked among themselves and all put Coulson down as their answer for this.

But man, it really makes you wonder about some of the protocols they have in place for certain events. I was hoping that Agents of SHIELD would go into this a little bit more, but they chose to introduce SHIELD academies (while claiming to be a secret organization) and other things, and it felt like Hogwarts, so I stopped hoping for protocol porn from them.

I really want a fic where Clint gets bored of writing reports and starts using a thesaurus to make things more interesting, much to the annoyance of the records office.

[happilydancing]

This is interesting because when I started reading fic, I of course thought all the recurring stuff was pretty much canon (since I had zero knowledge of the comics and didn't know there were a gazillion different stories in the comics and MCU is a separate thing anyway), and I was like "really? Natasha actually sleeps with people (goes all the way) and kills them for SHIELD?" Now I think she never did that at all (at least for SHIELD), I just can't see Fury requiring that of her.

LOLLLL about the thesaurus. I can also see him writing. "Flew to Beijing. Shot arrow thru eye. Flew back. "

[sugar_fey]

I was really hoping that AoS would go into the bureaucracy of SHIELD and its inner workings, since I think that has great comedic potential (see Angel Season 5: "You have reached ritual sacrifice! For goats, press one...") and would also be interesting, but the show's focus on a small group working apart from SHIELD protocol put an end to that. Ah, well.

[alphaflyer]

Yeah -- I was hoping for a bit more on that kind of thing myself. Although I did get into the show after a while, especially the Cap2 arc.

But, yeah. Protocol.

"Does SHIELD expect us to fill out a kill report when it has tentacles, Coulson?"

"Absolutely. That was a sentient life form, Skye. They are equal to humans."

"I think that's Star Trek you're thinking of, sir. Isn't it, Fitz?"

"I don't remember anything about sentient life forms when I went to the Academy. I do remember that kill reports went up to 32 pages after I left the field, though."

"Second thought, you're right, guys. We'll file it under scampi, super-sized. Fry it again."

Fic: Please Cease and Desist This Safehouse Abuse | Rate: Teen+

[scribble_myname]

A/N: More coming, but I knew I could get this bit done today, so did so.

Standard SHIELD procedure requires that all safehouses be “cleaned” after any occupation lasting longer than ten minutes.

-

The cleaning girls always know exactly who has been in a safehouse just by looking at it.

“Which is technically really bad,” Katie points out as she cheerfully disposes of the rumpled sheets left by a more amorous partnership. “If we can identify someone by their bad personal habits, then so could someone else.”

Hayley shakes her head at the ceiling. “Can somebody please tell Hawkeye to stop throwing things?”

Katie raises her eyebrows. “Don’t think they’ll get very far.” Then she cranes her neck to look upward. “What’d he do this time?”

“Her shirt had blood on it.” Hayley’s lips thinned into a frown. “That’s genetic material, peoples.” She threw up her hands and went to grab a stool. “Field agents.”

“Blood…” Katie grimaces and breaks out the carpet cleaner.

-

They fill out the very, very, very long form at the end of their visit, checking

Re: Fic: Please Cease and Desist This Safehouse Abuse | Rate: Teen+

[happilydancing]

Hahahahaha, love it!! Strike Team Delta is rowdy!

Re: Fic: Please Cease and Desist This Safehouse Abuse | Rate: Teen+

[scribble_myname]

Thanks. I got inspired by alphaflyer's comment and went with it.

Re: Fic: Please Cease and Desist This Safehouse Abuse | Rate: Teen+

[alphaflyer]

Awww! I've never inspired someone before ... :-)