#4. Broken Heart
Title: Day Late Friends
Series: Harry Potter
Spoilers: Through all seven books! You heard me!
Characters: Starring Remus Lupin and Emmeline Vance, with a side of a curly haired man (Avery, if you must know). Guest appearances include Sirius Black, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Prewett brothers
Pairing(s): Remus x Emmeline, with an implied side of Emmeline and Avery.
Author Notes: I don't think I can actually call this a fanmix because there isn't any music attached (sorry). But here you have it, in spirit and more so in writing. Ugh, does that make this a glorified songfic?? I always swore I wouldn't write these. Anyway, the writing style (and apparent lack of capitalization) was inspired by a fic/fanmix I once read. I can't remember the author at the moment but it was from Chronicles of Narnia fandom if that helps anyone.
Prompt: I realize I'm way past my due date (and what I failure I was!) but I still think it's fun to tag the prompts to these. So here we go with #4. Broken Heart. Check out this link to see what remains to be taken.
Day Late Friends - Emmeline Vance & Remus Lupin
1.) "Shelter" by Big City Rock [lyrics]
Looking for open conversation
Another way to process information
Fill the cracks in communication
Don't give in to intimidation
I stay inside a comfort zone
Only feeling more alone
I’m hoping for a day
Everyone can live together
The day may never come
So I will sing a song
That gives me shelter
Shelter from my sorrow
Shelter from tomorrow
it's casual curiosity at first in the form of furtive glances stolen across the sea of jostling, laughing heads to a girl who seems different than the calculating rest of those seated around her.
his curiosity is in the form of afterthoughts, just like the double takes in the hallway when she strides past always with a book or three in her arms. there is almost always a boy in tow, and if not a boy then a flock of girls. he is young enough to prefer her company with the one rather than the many because it affords him a better look.
sometimes, when he slips away into the library, he finds her there buried amidst her books and notes and quills and he likes the concentration that knits her brow, the steadfast way that her eyes rarely stray from the paper unless glancing at notes, the light-quick flutter of her hand as she writes until she is finished. he likes the way she gathers her things together, meticulous and with no wasted minutes, and it is only after she is gone that he wishes she had tarried longer.
on the last day of her last year, when he finds her in the library for what will be the last time, he braves a conversation. he says the usual polite and expected things and she responds in the predicted way that is both polite in turn but detached. after she is gone, he still does not know where she will go, what she aspires to, or what she will do.
he thinks this is the end of the beginning of a crush, and he thinks that it is just as well because he will never see her again.
2.) "Everybody's Changing" by Keane [lyrics]
You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right.
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.
they have graduated and already things are different.
the first friend is married to the red-haired girl everyone loved.
the second friend is as reckless as ever, too busy with the war and his motorcycle and the birds and his feud with his family to have time for much of anything else.
the third friend has evaporated out of the forefront of their lives now that there is no longer one roof to house them and it seems to him that this one is simply too busy bouncing back and forth between the first two friends to really pay him any attention.
not that he wants attention. he has his own life to eke out.
he is sitting at an outdoor table in a cafe, but he is drinking tea and not coffee. he has the newspaper out in front of him and he is circling every job that sounds promising, not exciting, but one that will offer steady work, steady pay and perhaps, one that will allow him odd absences.
there is a flutter of green and he looks up to see her whisking past him and when he stands it is a gut-instinct reaction, much like breathing, but also much to both of their surprise.
he can remember seeing her in his early days at school and he is surprised that he can recall the way she'd toss her head and look sideways before turning. yes he remembers small insignificant things and it is a surprise to see her here, a surprise to see her at all, a surprise to see her again. her eyes meet his and she offers him a small smile and he thinks, not for the first time, that he would like to change.
3.)"Stay Away" by Rooney [lyrics]
Stay away from my friends
They're smooth operators
Looking for a way in
Stay away from me tonight
I've made other plans
And you'll just be distracting me
In a good way
She doesn't know
That I love her
Yes I love her
there is a meeting and his friends jostle his shoulder. he looks at them and they are joking and it almost feels as though they are at school once more except when he looks back he can see that she is there, sitting quietly and composed with her hands neatly folded, her attention riveted to the actual topic at hand.
he's trying not to stare and he feels like a boy again, only now there is but one table between them rather than three.
when she catches his eye and half-smiles in recognition , his heart stops and only starts again under the pointy jabbed elbow in his gut courtesy of his be-speckled friend.
he offers soft apologies for not listening and the other two eye him suspiciously because they know it is uncommon for him to do anything but listen. they have pigeon-holed him so tightly he does not know how to escape the confines they have created.
he wants to be someone different so he returns the smile the next time she catches his eye because he realizes he's not that little boy anymore who settles for less in order to keep from losing it all. he wants to try something different, something more daring and he thinks she may be both of these things and when his lips curve into a smile again, she is the one who is first to look away with a smile that doesn't quite fade.
4.) "Unwritten Letter" by Vienna Teng [lyrics]
You gave me truth I chose illusion
Now we are used to this confusion
But I know
Yes I know this story has to end
Never groped for a connection
Never hoped for more affection
for I know
I know I am your friend
Only your friend
the guilt he feels when he finds himself looking forward to the gatherings for all the wrong reasons increases with every meeting. the glances he steals are stealthy and he is certain no one has seen him.
that is until one day, yes, the day when twin faces create perfect symmetry around her and he is repulsed but cannot look away when they turn in unison towards her, planting kisses on her cheeks that make her laughter ring and cheeks flush in a way he has not seen since her long ago days at school (but it was only one boy then who was awarded such a reaction).
he tells himself that this has to be the end of the second start of a would-be crush. he reminds himself that there are more important matters at hand.
and yet they are acquaintances now and he is too polite to cut her out of his life completely.
it is inevitable that they come across one another at that same cafe or sometimes in the pub and even less at the inn for supper. they have seen each other enough now to be able to greet one another with nods and smiles and soft words of greetings and goodbyes.
he begins to think that he can do this. he can be friends and that he can bury and drown his would-be affections with simple exchanges of pleasantries.
one night he finds her sipping sherry. she addresses him first even though he only has a glass of water in his hands and she really talks to him and he listens because he is more sober than she thinks or realizes.
what she says is a series of disjointed thoughts, recollections and feelings and it takes him another hour, and for her three more sherry's, until he realizes they are speaking about a man whom she cannot trust.
trust is everything, she announces as she finishes her sherry. trust is absolute.
he fidgets because he's not sure if he's ever trusted anyone.
while he doesn't know what she doesn't trust, he ventures a question, he asks if she ever confronted this man.
we both know, she says and there is something dark in her eyes but he has not had enough water to know what it is. we both know, she repeats, and we cannot say what we think it is because that would destroy everything.
he wonders later, or earlier as the sun is rising, how she thinks her situation is broken.
you are a good friend, she tells him as they part ways, the last patrons to leave as the pub keeper shakes his head and closes up. she smiles and even though it is not what he wants, it is more than he ever dared to hope for.
5.) "Heart's a Mess" by Goyte [lyrics]
Pick apart
The pieces of your heart
And let me peer inside
Let me in
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine
You have lost
Too much love
To fear, doubt and distrust
(It’s not enough)
You just threw away the key
To your heart
there is something that makes her sad, something that he cannot touch, something that he cannot question and he does not know how to help her when these moods sink and settle between them. sometimes it is a song playing on the wireless, or a piano piece played during a dinner that leaves him scrounging until the next paycheck. sometimes her expression changes when she walks past a gate covered in sweet peas and other times it's the view out of the window that changes the look in her eyes.
she jumps when he touches her hair for the first time and he is quick to withdraw his hand just as she is quick to apologize for flinching. her smile does not quite erase the sadness sharp and bright in her eyes.
she takes his hands in hers and its times like this when he feels so small, so young and it frustrates him that he was not born sooner. he wishes he had been in her year, that they could have had a past together, something to share, old times to speak of. they have none of this and these fledgling feelings, these newborn memories are not enough to hold them together. he finds his observations only garner her vaguely embarrassed silences because she does not quite remember and he obviously remembers a bit too much, so there is nothing to speak of in regards to school and social circles.
she asks him what's wrong and he bites his tongue because these are too many questions he wants to ask.
instead he smiles and says nothing.
6.) "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" by Jack Johnson [lyrics]
Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
a week does not pass when he does not see her. every outing is double-edged with the words he wants to say but won't, for fear of compromising the friendship they have. it is still too new and he is too afraid of losing what ground he has made.
she touches him casually now, with a hand on his when she emphasizes a point or a light swat if he's said something she finds delightfully outrageous. she will take his arm when they stroll but it is in the friendly manner which he recognizes because he had something similar before, with another girl he could not allow himself to love, another girl who was also equally oblivious to the very feelings he was desperate to deny.
she tells him less about the other men in her life these days. he doesn't ask because he is simply there to listen and he feels that the less he knows, the more he can pretend that maybe there is something more when she squeezes his arm affectionately, when she kisses his cheek good night.
7.) "Might Tell You Tonight" - by Scissor Sisters [lyrics]
When you're quiet, but your eyes
Are saying everything I need to know
I want to burrow like a sparrow
Dodging alley cats and whiskers
Why do we talk in whispers?
Is it painful hearing voices ring
So early in the morning?
there was a debate in his head, one that went, do i tell her? can i tell her? i can't tell her.
so he doesn't tell her, not outright, but he asks her cautious questions, which she does not quite answer. he fidgets when they have tea together and he watches her watching him and he wishes she wouldn't look at him quite so suspiciously.
he makes up excuses for his fiddling with the spoon, he scratches his neck when he feels as though she's staring right through his sweater at his scars and he smiles, when all else fails because she never knows what to say to that.
his smile is his most powerful weapon and he uses it when she least expects it. he offers to get more crumpets, more biscuits and the conversation changes, as it always does, to safer places, to playful teasing about his sweet tooth and her unquestionably slender figure.
he offers her chocolates which she will not refuse because that is her weakness, her soft spot and he finds he too has come to like chocolates himself more and more because of it.
but even as he places a chocolate piece between her coral lips he can't help but wonder if they could continue like this if she knew what he cannot bring himself to tell her.
8.) "She's Gonna Let You Down Again" by Strange Idols [lyrics]
Watching you tie yourself up into knots
Becoming unraveled, you don't know when to stop
Think for yourself it's not how it should be
Playing with words, living life in a dream
Listen to me
She's gonna let you down again.
lately she has been late to all of their outings. he can't call them dates because she isn't the kind of girl one dates. he's been trying most of his young adult life to court her but she is not one so easily tethered.
and he has his own secrets that he cannot share, will not share, and she is suspicious of him in kind.
he sits on a bench and he waits, one hand covering his pocket watch so he won't be tempted to look at it again as he cradles the bouquet of flowers in his lap.
his foot taps and he's trying not to notice the sudden outpour of couples on the streets with arms linked, fingers intertwined and even the secret stolen kisses.
this is when he sees her rounding the corner and she is walking fast, her brows knit and he rises to his feet, meaning to meet her half way when he sees another man behind her. he recognizes the slicked back wavy hair and the jaunty walk and this dark haired man is now touching her, spinning her around to face him.
he can no longer see her face but he can see the way this dark haired man is touching her hair. he wills her to pull away, he wills her to turn around and see him, to run to him, to uncharacteristically leap into his arms but she does none of this.
instead she stands there, facing this wavy haired man and he watches as this man kisses her knuckles and holds her hand tight.
he watches helplessly as the pair walk away, back in the direction they'd come, never once do they turn around, never once does she cast a glance over her shoulder.
he's not sure how much time passes but when he hears the thud of the paper-wrapped flowers on the pavement he decides that maybe its time he head on home himself.
9.) "Whatever’s Left" by Snow Patrol [lyrics]
I struggle and sweat when I'm wide awake
When I know I'm fine, I'm not used to fine
It's the same thing again
But it could become a problem if
We don't deal with it now
And you blast off in another rant
I've not opened my mouth
Can you read my mind so easily
As the madness sets in
You must know that I'll follow you
not for the first time, he finds himself at a loss over what to do, what to say, and most importantly how to fix this. he is not a fixer, never has been and this, whatever it is between them, may be beyond mending.
piece by piece, brick by brick, and she is deconstructing what they shared, what they had, this nameless thing, and all he can do is stare at her, wordless in the face of her garrulous accusations.
she lists the facts, point by point, and each and every one he cannot refute, he cannot deny. his absences, his injuries, his unreturned fire chat calls. she tells him that she came calling one evening only to discover an empty home and a cold bed.
he swallows hard because she is dancing upon the very thing he wishes to keep from her.
so he tells her the unthinkable, the unspeakable, the very thing he had been trying so hard not to brood over, not to think of, vowed never to speak of.
he tells her that he saw her with that man, yes, that one. he saw them together and he doesn't need to add anything more because her eyes say the rest.
he's turned the tables and he doesn't like how this feels, he wants to take it back, he wishes he hadn't taken this opportunity to try standing up for himself and for his secrets.
this won't work without trust, she says as she closes the door, and he bows his head because he knows she's right and yet he knows that there is no other way.
10.)"It Only Hurts" by Default [lyrics]
Can hold my breath only for a little while
until reality starts sinking in
Once again I'm settling for second best
turn the page and skip
to the end to where I
Swore that I would try
Since the last time I crossed that line
In the back of my mind I know
It only hurts when you're eyes are open
Lies get tossed and truth is spoken
It only hurts when that door gets opened
Dreams are lost and hearts are broken
he knows he is the fall back, despite everything she does and does not say. far away glances and thoughtful silences mean that she is thinking of someone else. he thinks that maybe, maybe he can settle for this. maybe this is better than nothing at all, than being alone, than being unloved and unwanted and forgotten and these days he feels all of these things. his school friends are no where to be found and he finds he turns more and more to her for the camaraderie and friendship that he is losing.
he knows she will not leave him because she too does not like to be alone.
that is until she discovers the very thing he tried so hard to hide.
she has nothing to say to him when at last she learns of the cause of his secrecy. she does not find out in the dramatic way that had nearly cost another from her house his life. she has not seen him, but the knowing alone is enough to make his stomach turn, his knees go weak and his mouth dry. he feels exposed, ashamed and suddenly the solitude he so loathed becomes a welcome escape.
he finds her cannot look at her, he cannot bear to look at her avoiding his eyes, his touch, his hands.
he has already caught her looking away quickly at the meetings, the rare places where they cannot avoid one another without something seeming amiss.
she flinches when he speaks and he is courteous enough to make certain that there is always someone else in the room if he finds the occasion to address her.
once, she tries to tell him that it does not bother her and somehow that one lie hurts more than anything else.
11.) "In Our Bedroom After the War" by Stars [lyrics]
Wake up
Say good morning to that sleepy person lying next to you
If there’s no one there, then there’s no one there
But at least the war is over
so much has happened that he cannot even begin to count the losses though he feels them vividly, angrily, tiredly. every nerve sings out the injustice of every loss and he wonders, out of all of his friends, why he was the one that was spared. there is so much that he regrets, so many words that he was never able to say and now it is far too late and he burns with the inadequacy of his existence.
she is the one that finds him first, she is the one who tries to comfort, who tries to soothe and he feels too young all over again. but we are all young, he tells her, they were too young for this to happen. he cannot meet her gaze because he is broken enough without crumbling to pieces before her.
she understands his sense of loss because she has lost just as many. the twins were gone in one spectacular flash and bang of glory. he knows the other one survived but that there is something else that bothers her because she chokes on her words whenever she tries to speak of him.
when he rolls over in the morning and his hand glances across the cold place beside him he is too numb to feel surprised and what is one more loss anyway.
12.) "Here We Are" by Breaking Benjamin [lyrics]
Sing it for me
I can't erase the stupid things I say
You're better than me
I struggle just to find a better way
So here we are
Fighting and trying to hide the scars
I'll be home tonight, take a breath and softly say goodbye
The lonely road, the one that I should try to walk alone
I'll be home tonight take a breath and softly say goodbye
they see one another less and less as the weeks wan and this fateful, terrible year draws to its conclusion. though they warm their hands around steaming cups of tea with plates of sweets untouched they do not discuss their loss in appetite nor how little is said between them.
what she does say is, he's been called to trial.
and he is reminded all over again how his friend-turned-traitor was not given a trial and he bristles, thinking of what he would like to say to him but more of all the things he would want to ask, to shout, to demand, the why, why, why's that he is sure have no answers, not in words that he would understand.
instead he remains quiet until she speaks of support, of standing by, and he tells her that he really doesn't care where she goes or what she does and who is he to say anyway? she slips out silently after that and the click of the door is louder than any bang.
more weeks pass and he does not follow the trials through the newspapers. instead he gathers them together bundle by unread bundle until he has one great stack that he places in the hearth. he touches the match to each page, watching them curl, eyes on the red as it burns black and it is on this very day that she alerts him to her presence by pounding on the door. she cannot get in because he changed the locks, the wards in the weeks she was gone but she calls to him anyway, breathless in her excitement and she shouts, he didn't do it!
it is a mantra and the words run together to form one sentence never ending in her exuberance.
when she bangs her fists against the door for the third time he opens it only to say, quietly as is his nature, that he doesn't think that the trials are the only things that are over.
13.) "Rainy Monday" by Shiny Toy Guns [lyrics]
But you left this feeling
Here inside me
One that never fails to find me...
On a rainy Monday
...a feeling inside me
Like the days of summer
On a rainy Monday
..I feel it inside me
In the hopes of one day
I won't lie
I still can't say that I
Admit we went too far
And you won't see me change my mind
But I really wish that I
Could forget the way you are
But you left this feeling here inside me
The battle in my mind still fights me
it is easy for him to lose himself in the mundane routine of everything he must do to get by, to make ends meet. he sees her less and less over the years until one year passes and it isn't until the end of it that he realizes he never saw her at all.
with every year the boyish face in the mirror fades into tired creases, weary scars of things that are on the surface of everything he feels, of everything he is, but are also of things that are not spoken about, that people only sense in sideways glances when an instinct stirs in them that he is not quite to be trusted, despite the disarmingly unimposing demeanor.
when a decade passes and he catches sight of her in that same cafe he looks at her finger and is shocked when he doesn't see a ring. she catches him looking, and now that he is older he realizes she always caught him even when he thought he was being sly and clever, and she smiles in a way that stirs something he thought he put to rest with all the rest of his emotions.
the years are good for you, and she adds, they make you look rugged.
he doesn't know whether to laugh or be shocked because he thinks he is threadbare and disappearing, not chiseled or defined in any way. when he tells her this her laughter rings as it always used to and it is all he can do to keep from grabbing her hand then and there.
instead he returns the pleasantries because he is a master of them now and he only surprises her when he slips a bar of chocolate into her hand, just for old times sakes, he says with a wink.
14.) "A Day Late" by Anberlin [lyrics]
So let me get this straight
Say now you loved me all along
What made you hesitate
to tell me with words what you really feel?
I can see it in your eyes
you mean all of what you say
I remember so long ago, see I felt that same way
he's struck by the irony of the situation, of being cornered in the kitchen when the rest of their old group has dispersed to other parts of the house, breaking apart for other conversations. they are alone when she approaches him and she is very serious; he can tell this because she still knits her brows in the very same way that she did as a young woman. he recalls the seriousness of her expression when she considered the information that she had received regarding his condition.
because he can recall the ending of their short beginnings he does not know how to read this expression of hers.
but because he wonders what more she could possibly want to say to him, all these long years later, he stays.
she stops and she starts, and he tries to fill the silences with politely put questions about everything that does not matter.
she starts and stops and he offers her small smiles, allowing her to interpret them as an expression of peace or reassurance or maybe something somewhere in-between.
she begins to tell him that they are both too old for this and he seals his lips over hers because he's decided that maybe he didn't need to hear what she had to say after all.
when she pulls away she won't look at him but there is a flush on her pale cheek that gives him a spark of hope. she crushes that feeling when she presses her fingers to his lips to stopper all the polite apologies that he had prepared the minute he caught that familiar look of regret. friends, that's what she said again, but when she hurries from the room she looks back at him briefly and he is left to ponder what she left unsaid.
maybe they are too old for this and maybe it is too late to go back but perhaps, yes, maybe they can be friends of a kind.
15.) "Happy Ending / Over My Shoulder" by Mika [lyrics]
This is the way you left me,
I’m not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending
This is the way that we love,
Like its forever,
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together
I Wake up in the morning,
Stumble on my life,
Can’t get no love without sacrifice,
If anything should happen,
I guess I'd wish you well,
Mmm a little bit of heaven,
But a little bit of hell.
This is the hardest story,
that I've ever told…
…
Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like i'm falling, losing my way,
Cold and dry,
Cold and dry.
Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,
Cold,
Drunk,
Tired,
Lost.
the words are small, nondescript and they are tucked, like an afterthought, in the corner page of the morning newspaper. there are far flashier stories to tell, far stranger occurrences for the journalists to puzzle the populace's minds over but it is this lone little story that keeps his eyes glued to the first sentence on the fourth page as the morning fades into another grey afternoon.
it will take a few more hours for him to work his way beyond the first-placed period and even so his mind reels. when at last he looks up, his eyes drift from corner to corner of his dusty kitchen; he can hear the paper bend under it's own weight and suddenly the world makes a little less sense somehow.
she's gone, he thinks, really gone this time and what distresses him the most is that he didn't feel her passing, like he always thought he would.
16.) "I'll Keep Your Memory Vague" by Finger Eleven [lyrics]
Now you've gone away
Don't worry it's ok
That you're gone away
Further than yesterday
But you'll never leave these scenes
My mind replays
Where in the world have you gone now?
he finds himself in another war to end all wars and in many more personal situations that he would ever have imagined or given himself credit for.
he wonders how his life might have been had certain events played out differently. he wonders if he would have caved to peer pressure and faulty decision-making had the mistaken traitor not died so senselessly, so quickly, so early. he wonders if he would have sensed the true traitor's designs had he paid more attention earlier on. he wonders if he would be alive if his be-speckled friend and young wife hadn't died so tragically.
he wonders if he would have worn his wedding band more proudly if he could have had the woman he lost too soon wear the match.
when he sees the flash of green out of the corner of his eye he turns to meet it because he can only think of the way her cloak would flutter and how the smile would quickly follow when she turns to greet him.
Series: Harry Potter
Spoilers: Through all seven books! You heard me!
Characters: Starring Remus Lupin and Emmeline Vance, with a side of a curly haired man (Avery, if you must know). Guest appearances include Sirius Black, James Potter, Peter Pettigrew, Prewett brothers
Pairing(s): Remus x Emmeline, with an implied side of Emmeline and Avery.
Author Notes: I don't think I can actually call this a fanmix because there isn't any music attached (sorry). But here you have it, in spirit and more so in writing. Ugh, does that make this a glorified songfic?? I always swore I wouldn't write these. Anyway, the writing style (and apparent lack of capitalization) was inspired by a fic/fanmix I once read. I can't remember the author at the moment but it was from Chronicles of Narnia fandom if that helps anyone.
Prompt: I realize I'm way past my due date (and what I failure I was!) but I still think it's fun to tag the prompts to these. So here we go with #4. Broken Heart. Check out this link to see what remains to be taken.
Day Late Friends - Emmeline Vance & Remus Lupin
1.) "Shelter" by Big City Rock [lyrics]
Looking for open conversation
Another way to process information
Fill the cracks in communication
Don't give in to intimidation
I stay inside a comfort zone
Only feeling more alone
I’m hoping for a day
Everyone can live together
The day may never come
So I will sing a song
That gives me shelter
Shelter from my sorrow
Shelter from tomorrow
it's casual curiosity at first in the form of furtive glances stolen across the sea of jostling, laughing heads to a girl who seems different than the calculating rest of those seated around her.
his curiosity is in the form of afterthoughts, just like the double takes in the hallway when she strides past always with a book or three in her arms. there is almost always a boy in tow, and if not a boy then a flock of girls. he is young enough to prefer her company with the one rather than the many because it affords him a better look.
sometimes, when he slips away into the library, he finds her there buried amidst her books and notes and quills and he likes the concentration that knits her brow, the steadfast way that her eyes rarely stray from the paper unless glancing at notes, the light-quick flutter of her hand as she writes until she is finished. he likes the way she gathers her things together, meticulous and with no wasted minutes, and it is only after she is gone that he wishes she had tarried longer.
on the last day of her last year, when he finds her in the library for what will be the last time, he braves a conversation. he says the usual polite and expected things and she responds in the predicted way that is both polite in turn but detached. after she is gone, he still does not know where she will go, what she aspires to, or what she will do.
he thinks this is the end of the beginning of a crush, and he thinks that it is just as well because he will never see her again.
2.) "Everybody's Changing" by Keane [lyrics]
You're gone from here
Soon you will disappear
Fading into beautiful light
'cause everybody's changing
And I don't feel right.
So little time
Try to understand that I'm
Trying to make a move just to stay in the game
I try to stay awake and remember my name
But everybody's changing
And I don't feel the same.
they have graduated and already things are different.
the first friend is married to the red-haired girl everyone loved.
the second friend is as reckless as ever, too busy with the war and his motorcycle and the birds and his feud with his family to have time for much of anything else.
the third friend has evaporated out of the forefront of their lives now that there is no longer one roof to house them and it seems to him that this one is simply too busy bouncing back and forth between the first two friends to really pay him any attention.
not that he wants attention. he has his own life to eke out.
he is sitting at an outdoor table in a cafe, but he is drinking tea and not coffee. he has the newspaper out in front of him and he is circling every job that sounds promising, not exciting, but one that will offer steady work, steady pay and perhaps, one that will allow him odd absences.
there is a flutter of green and he looks up to see her whisking past him and when he stands it is a gut-instinct reaction, much like breathing, but also much to both of their surprise.
he can remember seeing her in his early days at school and he is surprised that he can recall the way she'd toss her head and look sideways before turning. yes he remembers small insignificant things and it is a surprise to see her here, a surprise to see her at all, a surprise to see her again. her eyes meet his and she offers him a small smile and he thinks, not for the first time, that he would like to change.
3.)"Stay Away" by Rooney [lyrics]
Stay away from my friends
They're smooth operators
Looking for a way in
Stay away from me tonight
I've made other plans
And you'll just be distracting me
In a good way
She doesn't know
That I love her
Yes I love her
there is a meeting and his friends jostle his shoulder. he looks at them and they are joking and it almost feels as though they are at school once more except when he looks back he can see that she is there, sitting quietly and composed with her hands neatly folded, her attention riveted to the actual topic at hand.
he's trying not to stare and he feels like a boy again, only now there is but one table between them rather than three.
when she catches his eye and half-smiles in recognition , his heart stops and only starts again under the pointy jabbed elbow in his gut courtesy of his be-speckled friend.
he offers soft apologies for not listening and the other two eye him suspiciously because they know it is uncommon for him to do anything but listen. they have pigeon-holed him so tightly he does not know how to escape the confines they have created.
he wants to be someone different so he returns the smile the next time she catches his eye because he realizes he's not that little boy anymore who settles for less in order to keep from losing it all. he wants to try something different, something more daring and he thinks she may be both of these things and when his lips curve into a smile again, she is the one who is first to look away with a smile that doesn't quite fade.
4.) "Unwritten Letter" by Vienna Teng [lyrics]
You gave me truth I chose illusion
Now we are used to this confusion
But I know
Yes I know this story has to end
Never groped for a connection
Never hoped for more affection
for I know
I know I am your friend
Only your friend
the guilt he feels when he finds himself looking forward to the gatherings for all the wrong reasons increases with every meeting. the glances he steals are stealthy and he is certain no one has seen him.
that is until one day, yes, the day when twin faces create perfect symmetry around her and he is repulsed but cannot look away when they turn in unison towards her, planting kisses on her cheeks that make her laughter ring and cheeks flush in a way he has not seen since her long ago days at school (but it was only one boy then who was awarded such a reaction).
he tells himself that this has to be the end of the second start of a would-be crush. he reminds himself that there are more important matters at hand.
and yet they are acquaintances now and he is too polite to cut her out of his life completely.
it is inevitable that they come across one another at that same cafe or sometimes in the pub and even less at the inn for supper. they have seen each other enough now to be able to greet one another with nods and smiles and soft words of greetings and goodbyes.
he begins to think that he can do this. he can be friends and that he can bury and drown his would-be affections with simple exchanges of pleasantries.
one night he finds her sipping sherry. she addresses him first even though he only has a glass of water in his hands and she really talks to him and he listens because he is more sober than she thinks or realizes.
what she says is a series of disjointed thoughts, recollections and feelings and it takes him another hour, and for her three more sherry's, until he realizes they are speaking about a man whom she cannot trust.
trust is everything, she announces as she finishes her sherry. trust is absolute.
he fidgets because he's not sure if he's ever trusted anyone.
while he doesn't know what she doesn't trust, he ventures a question, he asks if she ever confronted this man.
we both know, she says and there is something dark in her eyes but he has not had enough water to know what it is. we both know, she repeats, and we cannot say what we think it is because that would destroy everything.
he wonders later, or earlier as the sun is rising, how she thinks her situation is broken.
you are a good friend, she tells him as they part ways, the last patrons to leave as the pub keeper shakes his head and closes up. she smiles and even though it is not what he wants, it is more than he ever dared to hope for.
5.) "Heart's a Mess" by Goyte [lyrics]
Pick apart
The pieces of your heart
And let me peer inside
Let me in
Where only your thoughts have been
Let me occupy your mind
As you do mine
You have lost
Too much love
To fear, doubt and distrust
(It’s not enough)
You just threw away the key
To your heart
there is something that makes her sad, something that he cannot touch, something that he cannot question and he does not know how to help her when these moods sink and settle between them. sometimes it is a song playing on the wireless, or a piano piece played during a dinner that leaves him scrounging until the next paycheck. sometimes her expression changes when she walks past a gate covered in sweet peas and other times it's the view out of the window that changes the look in her eyes.
she jumps when he touches her hair for the first time and he is quick to withdraw his hand just as she is quick to apologize for flinching. her smile does not quite erase the sadness sharp and bright in her eyes.
she takes his hands in hers and its times like this when he feels so small, so young and it frustrates him that he was not born sooner. he wishes he had been in her year, that they could have had a past together, something to share, old times to speak of. they have none of this and these fledgling feelings, these newborn memories are not enough to hold them together. he finds his observations only garner her vaguely embarrassed silences because she does not quite remember and he obviously remembers a bit too much, so there is nothing to speak of in regards to school and social circles.
she asks him what's wrong and he bites his tongue because these are too many questions he wants to ask.
instead he smiles and says nothing.
6.) "Sitting, Waiting, Wishing" by Jack Johnson [lyrics]
Now I was sitting waiting wishing
That you believed in superstitions
Then maybe you'd see the signs
But Lord knows that this world is cruel
And I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning loving somebody don't make them love you
Must I always be waiting waiting on you?
Must I always be playing playing your fool?
a week does not pass when he does not see her. every outing is double-edged with the words he wants to say but won't, for fear of compromising the friendship they have. it is still too new and he is too afraid of losing what ground he has made.
she touches him casually now, with a hand on his when she emphasizes a point or a light swat if he's said something she finds delightfully outrageous. she will take his arm when they stroll but it is in the friendly manner which he recognizes because he had something similar before, with another girl he could not allow himself to love, another girl who was also equally oblivious to the very feelings he was desperate to deny.
she tells him less about the other men in her life these days. he doesn't ask because he is simply there to listen and he feels that the less he knows, the more he can pretend that maybe there is something more when she squeezes his arm affectionately, when she kisses his cheek good night.
7.) "Might Tell You Tonight" - by Scissor Sisters [lyrics]
When you're quiet, but your eyes
Are saying everything I need to know
I want to burrow like a sparrow
Dodging alley cats and whiskers
Why do we talk in whispers?
Is it painful hearing voices ring
So early in the morning?
there was a debate in his head, one that went, do i tell her? can i tell her? i can't tell her.
so he doesn't tell her, not outright, but he asks her cautious questions, which she does not quite answer. he fidgets when they have tea together and he watches her watching him and he wishes she wouldn't look at him quite so suspiciously.
he makes up excuses for his fiddling with the spoon, he scratches his neck when he feels as though she's staring right through his sweater at his scars and he smiles, when all else fails because she never knows what to say to that.
his smile is his most powerful weapon and he uses it when she least expects it. he offers to get more crumpets, more biscuits and the conversation changes, as it always does, to safer places, to playful teasing about his sweet tooth and her unquestionably slender figure.
he offers her chocolates which she will not refuse because that is her weakness, her soft spot and he finds he too has come to like chocolates himself more and more because of it.
but even as he places a chocolate piece between her coral lips he can't help but wonder if they could continue like this if she knew what he cannot bring himself to tell her.
8.) "She's Gonna Let You Down Again" by Strange Idols [lyrics]
Watching you tie yourself up into knots
Becoming unraveled, you don't know when to stop
Think for yourself it's not how it should be
Playing with words, living life in a dream
Listen to me
She's gonna let you down again.
lately she has been late to all of their outings. he can't call them dates because she isn't the kind of girl one dates. he's been trying most of his young adult life to court her but she is not one so easily tethered.
and he has his own secrets that he cannot share, will not share, and she is suspicious of him in kind.
he sits on a bench and he waits, one hand covering his pocket watch so he won't be tempted to look at it again as he cradles the bouquet of flowers in his lap.
his foot taps and he's trying not to notice the sudden outpour of couples on the streets with arms linked, fingers intertwined and even the secret stolen kisses.
this is when he sees her rounding the corner and she is walking fast, her brows knit and he rises to his feet, meaning to meet her half way when he sees another man behind her. he recognizes the slicked back wavy hair and the jaunty walk and this dark haired man is now touching her, spinning her around to face him.
he can no longer see her face but he can see the way this dark haired man is touching her hair. he wills her to pull away, he wills her to turn around and see him, to run to him, to uncharacteristically leap into his arms but she does none of this.
instead she stands there, facing this wavy haired man and he watches as this man kisses her knuckles and holds her hand tight.
he watches helplessly as the pair walk away, back in the direction they'd come, never once do they turn around, never once does she cast a glance over her shoulder.
he's not sure how much time passes but when he hears the thud of the paper-wrapped flowers on the pavement he decides that maybe its time he head on home himself.
9.) "Whatever’s Left" by Snow Patrol [lyrics]
I struggle and sweat when I'm wide awake
When I know I'm fine, I'm not used to fine
It's the same thing again
But it could become a problem if
We don't deal with it now
And you blast off in another rant
I've not opened my mouth
Can you read my mind so easily
As the madness sets in
You must know that I'll follow you
not for the first time, he finds himself at a loss over what to do, what to say, and most importantly how to fix this. he is not a fixer, never has been and this, whatever it is between them, may be beyond mending.
piece by piece, brick by brick, and she is deconstructing what they shared, what they had, this nameless thing, and all he can do is stare at her, wordless in the face of her garrulous accusations.
she lists the facts, point by point, and each and every one he cannot refute, he cannot deny. his absences, his injuries, his unreturned fire chat calls. she tells him that she came calling one evening only to discover an empty home and a cold bed.
he swallows hard because she is dancing upon the very thing he wishes to keep from her.
so he tells her the unthinkable, the unspeakable, the very thing he had been trying so hard not to brood over, not to think of, vowed never to speak of.
he tells her that he saw her with that man, yes, that one. he saw them together and he doesn't need to add anything more because her eyes say the rest.
he's turned the tables and he doesn't like how this feels, he wants to take it back, he wishes he hadn't taken this opportunity to try standing up for himself and for his secrets.
this won't work without trust, she says as she closes the door, and he bows his head because he knows she's right and yet he knows that there is no other way.
10.)"It Only Hurts" by Default [lyrics]
Can hold my breath only for a little while
until reality starts sinking in
Once again I'm settling for second best
turn the page and skip
to the end to where I
Swore that I would try
Since the last time I crossed that line
In the back of my mind I know
It only hurts when you're eyes are open
Lies get tossed and truth is spoken
It only hurts when that door gets opened
Dreams are lost and hearts are broken
he knows he is the fall back, despite everything she does and does not say. far away glances and thoughtful silences mean that she is thinking of someone else. he thinks that maybe, maybe he can settle for this. maybe this is better than nothing at all, than being alone, than being unloved and unwanted and forgotten and these days he feels all of these things. his school friends are no where to be found and he finds he turns more and more to her for the camaraderie and friendship that he is losing.
he knows she will not leave him because she too does not like to be alone.
that is until she discovers the very thing he tried so hard to hide.
she has nothing to say to him when at last she learns of the cause of his secrecy. she does not find out in the dramatic way that had nearly cost another from her house his life. she has not seen him, but the knowing alone is enough to make his stomach turn, his knees go weak and his mouth dry. he feels exposed, ashamed and suddenly the solitude he so loathed becomes a welcome escape.
he finds her cannot look at her, he cannot bear to look at her avoiding his eyes, his touch, his hands.
he has already caught her looking away quickly at the meetings, the rare places where they cannot avoid one another without something seeming amiss.
she flinches when he speaks and he is courteous enough to make certain that there is always someone else in the room if he finds the occasion to address her.
once, she tries to tell him that it does not bother her and somehow that one lie hurts more than anything else.
11.) "In Our Bedroom After the War" by Stars [lyrics]
Wake up
Say good morning to that sleepy person lying next to you
If there’s no one there, then there’s no one there
But at least the war is over
so much has happened that he cannot even begin to count the losses though he feels them vividly, angrily, tiredly. every nerve sings out the injustice of every loss and he wonders, out of all of his friends, why he was the one that was spared. there is so much that he regrets, so many words that he was never able to say and now it is far too late and he burns with the inadequacy of his existence.
she is the one that finds him first, she is the one who tries to comfort, who tries to soothe and he feels too young all over again. but we are all young, he tells her, they were too young for this to happen. he cannot meet her gaze because he is broken enough without crumbling to pieces before her.
she understands his sense of loss because she has lost just as many. the twins were gone in one spectacular flash and bang of glory. he knows the other one survived but that there is something else that bothers her because she chokes on her words whenever she tries to speak of him.
when he rolls over in the morning and his hand glances across the cold place beside him he is too numb to feel surprised and what is one more loss anyway.
12.) "Here We Are" by Breaking Benjamin [lyrics]
Sing it for me
I can't erase the stupid things I say
You're better than me
I struggle just to find a better way
So here we are
Fighting and trying to hide the scars
I'll be home tonight, take a breath and softly say goodbye
The lonely road, the one that I should try to walk alone
I'll be home tonight take a breath and softly say goodbye
they see one another less and less as the weeks wan and this fateful, terrible year draws to its conclusion. though they warm their hands around steaming cups of tea with plates of sweets untouched they do not discuss their loss in appetite nor how little is said between them.
what she does say is, he's been called to trial.
and he is reminded all over again how his friend-turned-traitor was not given a trial and he bristles, thinking of what he would like to say to him but more of all the things he would want to ask, to shout, to demand, the why, why, why's that he is sure have no answers, not in words that he would understand.
instead he remains quiet until she speaks of support, of standing by, and he tells her that he really doesn't care where she goes or what she does and who is he to say anyway? she slips out silently after that and the click of the door is louder than any bang.
more weeks pass and he does not follow the trials through the newspapers. instead he gathers them together bundle by unread bundle until he has one great stack that he places in the hearth. he touches the match to each page, watching them curl, eyes on the red as it burns black and it is on this very day that she alerts him to her presence by pounding on the door. she cannot get in because he changed the locks, the wards in the weeks she was gone but she calls to him anyway, breathless in her excitement and she shouts, he didn't do it!
it is a mantra and the words run together to form one sentence never ending in her exuberance.
when she bangs her fists against the door for the third time he opens it only to say, quietly as is his nature, that he doesn't think that the trials are the only things that are over.
13.) "Rainy Monday" by Shiny Toy Guns [lyrics]
But you left this feeling
Here inside me
One that never fails to find me...
On a rainy Monday
...a feeling inside me
Like the days of summer
On a rainy Monday
..I feel it inside me
In the hopes of one day
I won't lie
I still can't say that I
Admit we went too far
And you won't see me change my mind
But I really wish that I
Could forget the way you are
But you left this feeling here inside me
The battle in my mind still fights me
it is easy for him to lose himself in the mundane routine of everything he must do to get by, to make ends meet. he sees her less and less over the years until one year passes and it isn't until the end of it that he realizes he never saw her at all.
with every year the boyish face in the mirror fades into tired creases, weary scars of things that are on the surface of everything he feels, of everything he is, but are also of things that are not spoken about, that people only sense in sideways glances when an instinct stirs in them that he is not quite to be trusted, despite the disarmingly unimposing demeanor.
when a decade passes and he catches sight of her in that same cafe he looks at her finger and is shocked when he doesn't see a ring. she catches him looking, and now that he is older he realizes she always caught him even when he thought he was being sly and clever, and she smiles in a way that stirs something he thought he put to rest with all the rest of his emotions.
the years are good for you, and she adds, they make you look rugged.
he doesn't know whether to laugh or be shocked because he thinks he is threadbare and disappearing, not chiseled or defined in any way. when he tells her this her laughter rings as it always used to and it is all he can do to keep from grabbing her hand then and there.
instead he returns the pleasantries because he is a master of them now and he only surprises her when he slips a bar of chocolate into her hand, just for old times sakes, he says with a wink.
14.) "A Day Late" by Anberlin [lyrics]
So let me get this straight
Say now you loved me all along
What made you hesitate
to tell me with words what you really feel?
I can see it in your eyes
you mean all of what you say
I remember so long ago, see I felt that same way
he's struck by the irony of the situation, of being cornered in the kitchen when the rest of their old group has dispersed to other parts of the house, breaking apart for other conversations. they are alone when she approaches him and she is very serious; he can tell this because she still knits her brows in the very same way that she did as a young woman. he recalls the seriousness of her expression when she considered the information that she had received regarding his condition.
because he can recall the ending of their short beginnings he does not know how to read this expression of hers.
but because he wonders what more she could possibly want to say to him, all these long years later, he stays.
she stops and she starts, and he tries to fill the silences with politely put questions about everything that does not matter.
she starts and stops and he offers her small smiles, allowing her to interpret them as an expression of peace or reassurance or maybe something somewhere in-between.
she begins to tell him that they are both too old for this and he seals his lips over hers because he's decided that maybe he didn't need to hear what she had to say after all.
when she pulls away she won't look at him but there is a flush on her pale cheek that gives him a spark of hope. she crushes that feeling when she presses her fingers to his lips to stopper all the polite apologies that he had prepared the minute he caught that familiar look of regret. friends, that's what she said again, but when she hurries from the room she looks back at him briefly and he is left to ponder what she left unsaid.
maybe they are too old for this and maybe it is too late to go back but perhaps, yes, maybe they can be friends of a kind.
15.) "Happy Ending / Over My Shoulder" by Mika [lyrics]
This is the way you left me,
I’m not pretending,
No hope, no love, no glory,
No happy ending
This is the way that we love,
Like its forever,
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together
I Wake up in the morning,
Stumble on my life,
Can’t get no love without sacrifice,
If anything should happen,
I guess I'd wish you well,
Mmm a little bit of heaven,
But a little bit of hell.
This is the hardest story,
that I've ever told…
…
Over my shoulder, running away,
Feels like i'm falling, losing my way,
Cold and dry,
Cold and dry.
Fog out my daylight, torture my night,
Feels like i'm falling, far out of sight,
Cold,
Drunk,
Tired,
Lost.
the words are small, nondescript and they are tucked, like an afterthought, in the corner page of the morning newspaper. there are far flashier stories to tell, far stranger occurrences for the journalists to puzzle the populace's minds over but it is this lone little story that keeps his eyes glued to the first sentence on the fourth page as the morning fades into another grey afternoon.
it will take a few more hours for him to work his way beyond the first-placed period and even so his mind reels. when at last he looks up, his eyes drift from corner to corner of his dusty kitchen; he can hear the paper bend under it's own weight and suddenly the world makes a little less sense somehow.
she's gone, he thinks, really gone this time and what distresses him the most is that he didn't feel her passing, like he always thought he would.
16.) "I'll Keep Your Memory Vague" by Finger Eleven [lyrics]
Now you've gone away
Don't worry it's ok
That you're gone away
Further than yesterday
But you'll never leave these scenes
My mind replays
Where in the world have you gone now?
he finds himself in another war to end all wars and in many more personal situations that he would ever have imagined or given himself credit for.
he wonders how his life might have been had certain events played out differently. he wonders if he would have caved to peer pressure and faulty decision-making had the mistaken traitor not died so senselessly, so quickly, so early. he wonders if he would have sensed the true traitor's designs had he paid more attention earlier on. he wonders if he would be alive if his be-speckled friend and young wife hadn't died so tragically.
he wonders if he would have worn his wedding band more proudly if he could have had the woman he lost too soon wear the match.
when he sees the flash of green out of the corner of his eye he turns to meet it because he can only think of the way her cloak would flutter and how the smile would quickly follow when she turns to greet him.