The Definition of Want - Chapter 9
Title: The Definition of Want
Author: audreyii_fic
Fandom: Twilight (Team Jacob)
Rating: M
Characters: Bella, Jacob, Edward, and others (J/B)
Genre: Romance/Humor/Angst -- you know, all the good ones.
Warnings: Bad language and eventual sex.
Summary: You know how Edward offered to let Bella and Jacob make puppies? And we all secretly wondered how that would go? Yeah. It's one of those. Set post-Eclipse. (Link to the beginning.)
banner courtesy of boredess
banner courtesy of leithalia
Chapter Nine:
i need freedom now / and i need to know how / to live my life as it's meant to be
Mumford & Sons, "The Cave"
The days drudged by, making the week feel like a month, or a year, or some shit like that. Sometimes I checked the clock to see whether or not it was still working. When I wasn't actively clock watching, I was driving restlessly across the entire state of Washington, exploring every single back road at approximately ninety miles an hour.
I was clearly in danger of losing my mind. I was also wasting a lot of money on gas.
***
Thirty years later (okay, two days), as I was sitting on a pile of driftwood on First Beach, the inevitable finally occurred.
"Jacob?"
I paused from my very important task of staring out at the water and moping (which I'd been doing for somewhere between three and thirty hours, I really couldn't tell anymore) to raise my eyebrows at Sam. He stood ten feet away, unflinching against the cold ocean spray. I literally could not remember the last time I'd seen him wear a shirt.
I could've said something, but I really wasn't in the mood to make things easy on anyone. So instead I just waited.
Sam cleared his throat, then said, "Jacob, according to Quil--"
Jeez. "Sam, come on," I interrupted. "Seriously." It wasn't like I didn't know that it was coming, given that Quil had a loud mouth and a louder brain, but it was still really fucking irritating. And I really didn't need this right now. I had plenty of drama on my plate already, thank you.
"No, look," he continued, face carefully neutral, "if you and Leah are together--"
"Sam," I snapped, "you're not--"
"--it's fine, it doesn't bother me--"
"Sam--"
"--I just want her to be happy--"
"Sam--"
"--but I want you to promise me that--"
Somehow I was off the log and glowering down at him. I was a good four inches taller. "Sam," a voice from inside me snarled furiously, "shut up."
And Sam's mouth instantly snapped closed.
The rush was abrupt and disorienting, like being on a rollercoaster that suddenly reversed itself, yanking me in a new direction, my blood slamming to a halt against the walls of my arteries. And Sam felt it too -- his eyes widened with surprise and confusion -- and with a freakish new clarity, I understood that he had no idea what he was doing. Sam had gotten shoved into this role by the stupid, blind luck of being the first one to phase. He was making it up as he went just like the rest of us. He wasn't supposed to be in charge.
They were right. They were all right. I was meant to be Alpha.
But I didn't want it.
And I wasn't going to take it.
I closed my eyes, took a long breath, and let that dizzying, sickening tide of authority speed right along, leaving me behind. I heard Sam sigh deeply. I couldn't tell if it was with relief or regret.
Well. At least that was done.
"Look, Sam," I said as I turned away and climbed back onto the driftwood, "I'm not sleeping with Leah. We're not together. We're just..." Friends wasn't the right word. "She kind of knows some stuff, and it's been easier to patrol with her. Quil got it wrong, that's all."
Sam frowned slightly. "Leah 'knows some stuff'?"
"Yeah, and it's none of your business." At least, it wasn't his business for right now. Once there was a bloodsucker carrying around a Quileute baby, on the other hand... okay, best not to think about that too much, or I was going to start hyperventilating again. "By the way," I said, changing the subject, "you do know that sooner or later Leah's going to sleep with someone, right? You're going to have to get used to the idea."
"I am used to it," Sam insisted, and I rolled my eyes. "Believe me, I am. But you're obviously a wreck, man, and I don't want her to have to be the one who puts you back together."
"She's not going to be. But even if she was, that's her choice to make." I looked back out at the ocean. "And mine, for that matter," I added.
"I don't know if you've noticed, Jacob, but we don't get a lot of choices." Sam's voice was dry and a little bit sad.
I felt the lingering tingles of power in my veins, and I knew what I could to use them to do. It was simple now. I didn't want to be Alpha. I didn't want to be Sam. I wanted as many choices as I could possibly have, and that sure as hell wasn't going to happen if things stayed like this.
"I'm retiring," I told Sam. "The newborns are gone, there haven't been any new kids phasing, and the Cullens--" my mouth twisted on their name "--are honoring the treaty. You don't need me. I'm done. Stay Alpha if you want, give it to someone else, I don't care. But I'm not going to phase anymore, and I'm not obeying orders. Consider this my resignation."
He was silent for a long moment before saying quietly, "You should really think about this before you make any decisions, Jacob."
I snorted. "Believe me, of all the decisions I've had to make recently, this is the easiest. I'll be here if anyone needs me, but--" Bella turning a black checker piece over and over and over in her hand "--I'm tired of being the Pack's Jacob. I don't like it. It's not who I want to be."
Sam's eyes were distant. "You're lucky you have so much control over your own destiny."
I thought about sitting outside Bella's house. "It doesn't feel like it."
Sam looked at me sideways, then shook his head. "Jacob," he said, and he was back to being his usual self, the hall monitor on steroids, "I don't doubt that there's lots of stuff that's hard, but you haven't imprinted. You have choices, plenty of them. Be grateful for it."
"Yeah, I guess." He wouldn't be saying these things if he knew what kind of choices I'd been making recently. He'd just dismember me and leave the pieces to be picked over by seagulls. Though I'd probably do the same if our roles were reversed.
Life kind of sucked in a lot of ways.
After a few minutes of silence, I said, "We probably shouldn't tell Leah about this conversation."
Sam shook his head. "Yeah. No."
And that was the end of that.
***
When the weekend finally came, I started spending all day, every day, in the garage. I knew she'd be coming soon, and I didn't want to be anywhere near anyone else. Hell, I wasn't even sure I wanted to be near her, but there wasn't much I could do about that part. It wasn't like she could send a courier. Well, she could, but it seemed pretty unlikely.
Saturday came and went. On the positive side of things, the garage had never been cleaner.
On Sunday I ran out of stuff to sweep, organize, and wash. I was seriously considering putting a new coat of paint on the Rabbit (it didn't need it, but it might look interesting blue, you never know), when there was a hesitant knock at the door. I stood, braced myself as much as I possibly could, and turned around to face whatever was going to come next.
Bella walked into the garage slowly, and she looked like she hadn't slept in weeks-- and hell, maybe she hadn't. She was pale, thinner than the last time I'd seen her, worse even than she had been when the bloodsucker left and she acted half dead. She seemed like a ghost of her old self. (And, of course, she was still beautiful. How was that possible? Sometimes I wondered if she was the inhuman one in this nightmare of a triangle.) She inhaled sharply when she saw my face, and her arms wrapped convulsively around her midsection. After a moment she managed to say, "Hi, Jake."
"Hi, Bells."
She glanced around, and her eyebrows went up. "Wow. You cleaned."
I shrugged. "Didn't have much else to do."
She nodded, chewing on her lower lip. Then she scuffed the toe of her sneaker against the concrete as she said hesitantly, "I'm sorry I haven't called. I... I didn't really know what to..."
"It's okay," I heard myself say. "I didn't call you either."
"Yeah," she said awkwardly. "I guess."
And I waited.
I was so good at waiting.
Finally Bella met my eyes, and with a little humorless smile, shook her head. "I'm not," she said simply.
My eyes closed and I exhaled, long and deep, as a wave of something crashed into me. I had absolutely no clue what I was feeling, but I was sure as hell feeling a lot of it, and for a moment I thought my ribs would crack under the pressure -- but my ribs had cracked before, and it didn't hurt as much as this.
"Do you have my engagement ring?" Bella asked.
I nodded mechanically, and opened the drawer in the cabinet where I'd hidden it, the only drawer I hadn't gone through. The damn thing was still ugly, and it felt like it weighed thirty pounds when I pulled it out. When I handed the ring to her I felt her skin under my fingertips.
Her hand closed. "Thank you," she said softly.
I turned away, staring at the drawer. I needed to clean it out now. There was a ton of crap that really ought to be thrown away. And I should never have stuck the fishing lures in there, the allen wrenches would be all gross now, I'd have to soak them in club soda to get the slime off, and I was pretty sure we didn't have any club soda, so that was a trip into town and I'd probably need to get groceries while I was at it. "Well, if that's all--"
"I'm giving it back, Jacob."
My heart stopped.
Instead of putting the ring on her finger, Bella slid it into her pocket.
I... "Huh?" I said blankly.
"I'm giving the ring back to Edward," Bella repeated. She looked exhausted, like she might collapse at any moment, but she sounded...
Holy fuck.
"Bella." I stepped forward, reached for her face--
--and she stepped backwards at the same time, shaking her head. "No, Jacob," she said, choking on the words. "No."
I dropped my hand in surprise. "Why not?"
"Because," she whispered. She looked at the ground, took a deep breath, then squeezed her eyes shut and said in a rush, "Jacob, I'm going to go away. By myself."
Wait. "What?"
"I'm going away," she repeated, her eyes still closed. "To Phoenix. Alone."
My stomach lurched. "No. You can't. Why? Why would you do that?"
Bella sat down on the workbench, keeping her arms wrapped tightly around herself. "I'm going to go to school there for a little while. Do some community college classes... get a job... something, it doesn't really matter what. My mom's still got our old house, and I'm going to stay there. It's done. I bought my plane ticket this morning before I could talk myself out of it." She smiled, but there wasn't any happiness or humor in it. "I don't think the truck would do well in desert heat."
I... I couldn't... "I don't understand."
"Jacob," Bella said, and her voice shook, "I can't do this anymore. I threw up every single day for the last two weeks, and I thought for sure, I was so sure... it must have been anxiety or something. I couldn't sleep, I even sent Edward away so that I'd be warmer and I still couldn't sleep, I drove all the way to Port Angeles to buy the test, I hid it between my mattress and the box spring, and then I didn't dare leave my room in case Charlie suddenly decided for some reason that he wanted to change my sheets or something..." She giggled and it was more than a little hysterical. "I got up at two-thirty in the morning to use it, and I dropped the box three times because my hands were shaking..." Her breath hitched. "And then there was only one line, and I almost fainted from relief, I'm not joking, my vision went blurry and I had to put my head between my knees--"
"Bella," I whispered.
"--then Edward came to see me and I was crying, and he held me and he said he loved me and he wanted me to be happy and that it would all be okay, you and I could try again--"
"Fuck no."
Bella looked up at me and smiled. "I said the same thing. He was kind of shocked at my language."
I tried to smile back, but I couldn't. "So... you don't..."
She shook her head. "No. I don't. Not now. I'm not ready to have a baby." She giggled again and it was awful. "I have never been as terrified in my entire life as I have been for the last two weeks, and given how my year has gone, that's saying something. And I'm not ready to get married. And if I'm not ready for all that, then I'm not ready for..." She swallowed hard. "Jacob, I don't know what I want to do anymore. I want these things, but I'm so messed up, and I'm so tired, and I love you so much more than I thought I did and it scares the hell out of me because I love him too, I love him just as much, and I can't figure it out if you're both around because I can't see you without wanting..." Her breath was heaving in and out of her chest in dry sobs. "I have to leave, I have to, before I do any more damage. I told Edward I needed time. I'm here to tell you the same thing."
Time.
"That sounds good," I said slowly, a sick feeling starting to burn in my chest. "That sounds like a really, really good idea, but, Bells, honey, you don't have to go away. You can have time here."
"No." She bit her lip so hard that it turned white. "No, that won't work."
"Yes it will." I crouched in front of her and pulled her arms away from her stomach so I could hold her hands. "You don't have to leave, okay? I'll stay away from you. If you tell Cullen that's what you want then he'll stay away too, you know he will." If I knew anything about that bloodsucker, it was that he'd do almost anything that Bella said would make her happy, no questions asked. "Or... or we can just go back to the way things were, way back in the beginning. We'll be friends, you can come hang out, I won't push you, I promise. It'll be fine. We'll be fine. You can think here in Forks. You can take as much time as you want. I'll wait."
"No, Jake. I can't..." Bella's eyes filled with tears as she steadily shook her head back and forth. "This is all just... I've been trying to do the right thing but I'm doing it all wrong and look at what's happening. Edward threw himself at the Volturi because of me. I almost had a baby because I thought it was what you both wanted. And you..." She pulled her hands free from mine and traced my face with her fingertips. "Oh, Jacob, look at you. Look what I've done to you..."
"I could've walked away at any time and I didn't," I pointed out. "You haven't done a damn thing to me that I didn't let you do."
"So what? I'm still the one that did it." Bella laughed, and the tears spilled over and wet her eyelashes. "Have you seen yourself recently? You look awful. You're falling apart. We all are. Don't you see what's happening? We're going to kill each other unless I--"
I cut her off with a kiss.
For a moment she kissed me back, responding with a moan as I worked my mouth hard against hers, taking in the warmth and the taste that had made it into my bloodstream. Then she broke the contact and turned her head away. "Jake--"
"I love you, Bella." Her jawline was soft under my lips. She smelled the same as she had when she was beneath me and above me, girl soap and something sweet. "You love me. You want me." My hands moved to her waist and pulled her close. Her knees parted and her jeans scraped friction against my sides. "You always think things are so complicated, but they're not." Loose strands of her hair brushed over my forehead. It was right. I had to make her understand. "You don't have to go. We can figure this out together, honey."
"No," she said brokenly, "we can't."
"You're wrong." My fingers dug into her hips, trying to find her through her clothes and remember the feel of her skin. I wondered if the marks I'd left were still visible. Why couldn't she see how simple this all was? "Just stay. Stay with me. Please." I pressed hot kisses against her throat, looking for the steady thrum of her heartbeat in her veins. It had to be there somewhere. "Please don't leave."
Bella's body shuddered under my touch... then her hands pushed at my shoulders. "Jacob. Jacob, stop."
I pulled back just enough to search her face.
She was serious.
Everything in me went cold as I took my hands off her. "Why," I spat, standing up so fast that it made the room spin, "is it so easy for you to say no to me and not to him?"
Bella let out a little sob as she wiped her tears away with the palm of her hand. "I really don't know. I wish I did."
"Yeah, me too," I said, turning away, slamming the open drawer shut so hard it made the cabinet rattle.
"Jake--"
"So," I interrupted. "How long will you be gone for?"
There was a pause, then she said, "I haven't decided yet. At least a semester. Probably more like two."
"You'll be getting older," I taunted. I didn't mind hitting below the belt.
"I know," she said miserably. "But at least I'll still be a teenager. And I have to say, when you're sneaking a pregnancy test out of your house in the middle of the night and burying it in the bottom of the trash bin, nineteen suddenly doesn't seem that old."
"Right."
There was a shuffle behind me, and I knew she was standing up. "Jake..." she whispered, and I heard her take a deep breath. "Jacob, you don't have to wait, okay? It's probably better if you don't. It's different for Edward, he's going to live forever, but you're not, and it's not fair to ask you to--"
I turned to face her incredulously. "Don't you say that to me," I bit out. "Don't you give me the speech he gave you."
Bella flinched, but she didn't look away. "He... he might not have been wrong to give it. I've already hurt you so much, and--" her voice shook "--it would be so easy for you to find someone better--"
"No!" My shout ricocheted off the walls, and Bella's eyes widened. I took a deep breath to calm the wolf that was starting to pace in my chest. "No," I said again, trying to control my voice. "You do not get to tell me what to do, you understand? You don't. If I want to wait, I'll wait. If I want to keep loving you, I will. And I will decide if I want to stop. Not you. Not anyone else. Just me. Got it?"
Bella nodded slowly. Her tears were leaving dark splotches on the concrete floor. "I can't promise you anything, Jacob. You know that, right?"
"I know."
"I'm returning the ring," she added, "but that doesn't mean... you know that I might ask for it back."
"I know."
"I might meet someone else."
"I know."
"I might never be with anyone."
"I know."
"But you still want to wait."
"Yes."
"And what if I tell you there's no hope?" she said quietly. "Will you stop then?"
I swallowed hard, then forced myself to say, "Maybe. If you're telling the truth. And I'll know if you are, even if you don't."
"I guess you will, yeah." She smiled again, and the tears kept coming down her cheeks. "You're kind of freaky like that."
And then I was crushing her against me, hugging her harder than was probably comfortable or safe, but she was leaving so what else was I supposed to do, and she wrapped her arms around my neck and curled into my embrace. "I love you," she whispered.
"Love you more," I replied, lifting her off the ground a little so I could bury my face in her hair.
Her body was shaking against mine. "I wouldn't be too sure about that." Oh, God. I held her tighter, like that could stop what was about to happen, even though I knew it couldn't. After another long moment, Bella laughed weakly. "Jake, you have to put me down."
"Yeah. Okay." I set her back on the floor gently and let her go. It fucking sucked. "Will you still have the same phone number?"
She shook her head as she hiccuped. "No. You can check with Charlie if there's an emergency, but I'm leaving the cell here."
"To stop me from calling you?" I said, trying not to sound bitter.
Bella smiled sadly. "More like to stop me from calling you." Then she glanced out the open door and up at the sky. "It's going to start raining. I've got to go."
I nodded.
She leaned her forehead against my chest for a moment, took a deep, shuddering breath, then pulled away. "Bye, Jake," she said softly.
"Bye, Bells."
I managed to wait until I heard her truck pull out of the yard before I gave up on holding it together.
***
I spent the rest of the afternoon in the garage sobbing like a little bitch. Around eight I finally dragged my sorry ass back into the house, turned the radio to the Mariners game, and collapsed onto the couch with my feet resting on the side table.
I woke up hours later to a warm hand stroking my hair. My father sat next to me in his wheelchair, his face unreadable in the darkness. "Go to bed, son," he said. "It's late."
"Mmkay," I mumbled, still half asleep. "G'night, Dad." Then I rolled off the sofa and stumbled exhaustedly to my room.
***
On Tuesday night a knock at the door interrupted me from staring into the freezer, hoping that if I just waited patiently the refrigerator fairies would magically provide something more than frozen pizza for dinner. I heard Billy roll to the door, heard a surprised, "Leah! Come on in."
"No, thanks," Leah's clipped voice carried from the doorway. "I just need to see Jacob. Oh, and Mom said to say hi and to give you this." A rustle of a paper bag, and I perked up at the smell of fried fish. Fish would be better than pizza. Just because I was depressed didn't mean I wasn't still hungry. "She's still trying to get Dad's recipe right, and she wants you to call and tell her if she's close."
"Right," Billy said gently. "I'll do that. Jacob? Leah's here for you."
As though I couldn't tell from fifteen feet away. "I caught that, yeah," I said, walking to the front door. "What's up?"
Leah stared at me for a few seconds, then turned and walked into the yard. "Come on," she called over her shoulder.
I glanced at Billy, shrugged, and jogged after her. "Where are we going?" The grass was wet under my bare feet.
"Out." Because I hadn't figured that out already. Yeesh. Once we were a decent distance from the house, Leah started to pull off her shoes. "Turn around."
I shook my head. "I'm not phasing anymore."
She straightened up, raising her eyebrows. "Really."
"Yep." I didn't feel like going into any deep or meaningful explanations, so I just added, "I'm tired, I guess."
Leah was silent for a moment, then shrugged. "Your call. I guess I'll have to get a real iPod now." I snorted, and her lip twitched as though she was thinking about maybe possibly smiling one day. She turned and started walking towards the Rabbit. "We'll take your Rabbit, then. And I'm driving."
"The hell you are," I said sharply. "You are not getting behind the wheel of my car."
"Watch me," she shot back. "I've been wanting to try out this thing. You're an idiot, but you do build a sweet ride."
I ran ahead and snatched the keys off the dashboard before she could grab them. "No. Absolutely not."
She narrowed her eyes. "Don't make me fight you. I'd kick your emo ass right now and you know it. Especially if you don't phase." Goddamn it. She held out her hand expectantly, and with a grumble, I tossed her the keys. "Get in, we're going to the cliffs."
"Why?" I whined.
"Because I said so. Now buckle up."
Leah got us to the cliffs in record time, and I winced when she pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. "Geez, Leah, watch the clutch."
She glared at me. "I know how to drive a manual, dipshit."
"Yeah, but it just needs a light touch. Don't jerk it around."
Leah snorted. "Right. I'll remember that. Get out."
We crossed the road, walked a short distance through the pines, and climbed out onto the rocks. If it wasn't for the fact that I knew I had inhuman reflexes, I'd be nervous about being up this high, with nothing but a steep drop between me and the water... but I wasn't. A few hundred feet away was where Bella had jumped and I'd pulled her out and breathed life back into her lungs. It felt like a lifetime ago. Maybe it was.
Leah picked up a tiny rock off the ground, inspected it, and tossed it over the edge of the cliff. It disappeared into the evening sun. "So she left, huh?"
"Yeah," I said, staring out at the ocean. "Without the bloodsucker, at least. She said she needs time."
She made a small huffing noise. "Maybe she's not as stupid as I thought. And I take it your boys all swam in the wrong direction?"
"Guess so. Is this where I'm supposed to cry on your shoulder or something?"
"Please don't," she said dryly as she reached into her pocket, pulling out a silver flask and holding it out to me. "Here."
"What is it?"
"Vodka. I know you don't drink, so this ought to be easier on you."
"I drink," I said defensively.
Leah rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh. The Miller Lite that Paul brings to bonfires. That doesn't count for shit. This is actual alcohol."
"Beer counts as alcohol."
"Yes, but Miller Lite doesn't count as beer."
"Yeah? Since when?"
"Fuck, will you just take the damn thing?"
"Why?"
"Because," Leah said, exasperated, "that's what people do. Their friends take them out and make them drink so they'll stop moping and feel better. Your stupid wolf metabolism is too high for me to get you wasted, so this is the best I've got. Now just... take it, all right?"
I took the flask from her hand, unscrewed the top, and swallowed deep. It burned my nose more than my throat. "Thanks."
"Whatever." She pulled a pack of Marlboros out of her shorts and offered it to me. I shook my head, and she shrugged. "Your loss," she said, holding a cigarette between her lips and flicking on the lighter. When she exhaled, the smoke curled up into the rosy sky. "I was kind of a bitch earlier this week. I'm not saying I was wrong or that I'm sorry, but... yeah."
"Yeah."
We sat quietly for a few minutes, watching the waves crash into the shore fifty feet below.
"I don't know what you're so upset about," Leah remarked finally. I stared at her in disbelief and she ignored me. "You got everything you wanted. The leech-lover is rethinking her options. She's not lining up to join the undead. She's actively considering making the jump from the bloodsucker to you, even though you behaved like a total moron. And you pulled it all off without turning up on a teen pregnancy reality show. This should be a celebratory drink, and you're acting like someone died."
I turned away, disgusted. "You really don't get it, do you?"
"I get that you're sulking."
"I am not sulking."
"Yes, you are." Leah glanced at me again and then sighed a smoky sigh. "Look, Jacob... I know it sucks, but don't wallow, okay? You're better than that. Don't... don't be like me." A bitter smile played at the corner of her mouth. "It's really not as much fun as I make it look."
I blinked in surprise. "So, what, you're telling me it's all going to be okay?"
She rolled her eyes. "No."
"Why not?"
"Because," she said, "it probably won't be."
"Thanks, Leah." I kind of meant it.
"You're welcome." She tossed a few more rocks off into space. One of them glinted in the sun as it fell. "By the way, I heard you broke Quil Atera's nose."
"Yep." I smirked. "It was kind of in defense of your honor."
Leah gave me an odd look. "Huh?"
I shrugged nonchalantly as I took another drink of vodka. "He thinks we're screwing around."
There was a scrabbling sound as Leah tried not to fall off the cliff in shock. I reached out to grab her arm just in case, but she yanked it away, jumping to her feet to glare down at me. "You had better be fucking kidding me."
"Nope. It was sort of a misunderstanding."
"A misunderstanding," Leah said dangerously. "And did you clear up this misunderstanding?"
I shrugged again, kind of enjoying myself in a weird way. At least I wasn't the only one with problems. "I did with Sam. I have no idea what everyone else thinks." I thought about what had happened on the beach. "You two really are a lot alike, you know."
A few different looks crossed Leah's face as she sat back down. Finally she settled on disinterested and said, "I don't care what Sam thinks, and I really don't care if we're alike."
"Whatever you say, Leah."
"Shut up." She snatched the flask from my hand and took a swig. "So anyway," she said, swallowing, "just how long are you planning on waiting for her?"
"I'm not sure," I said. "I don't really have a set time limit. I'll wait for as long as I want."
She shook her head. "You really are a sap."
"Pretty much."
We sat and passed the flask back and forth, watching the ocean, until the sun faded over the horizon and the moon rose in the night sky.
***
Epilogue: Wherein life takes a natural path.
A/N: Just the epilogue left, guys.
Edited 7/24/10 to fix a line.
Author: audreyii_fic
Fandom: Twilight (Team Jacob)
Rating: M
Characters: Bella, Jacob, Edward, and others (J/B)
Genre: Romance/Humor/Angst -- you know, all the good ones.
Warnings: Bad language and eventual sex.
Summary: You know how Edward offered to let Bella and Jacob make puppies? And we all secretly wondered how that would go? Yeah. It's one of those. Set post-Eclipse. (Link to the beginning.)
banner courtesy of boredess
banner courtesy of leithalia
Chapter Nine:
i need freedom now / and i need to know how / to live my life as it's meant to be
Mumford & Sons, "The Cave"
The days drudged by, making the week feel like a month, or a year, or some shit like that. Sometimes I checked the clock to see whether or not it was still working. When I wasn't actively clock watching, I was driving restlessly across the entire state of Washington, exploring every single back road at approximately ninety miles an hour.
I was clearly in danger of losing my mind. I was also wasting a lot of money on gas.
***
Thirty years later (okay, two days), as I was sitting on a pile of driftwood on First Beach, the inevitable finally occurred.
"Jacob?"
I paused from my very important task of staring out at the water and moping (which I'd been doing for somewhere between three and thirty hours, I really couldn't tell anymore) to raise my eyebrows at Sam. He stood ten feet away, unflinching against the cold ocean spray. I literally could not remember the last time I'd seen him wear a shirt.
I could've said something, but I really wasn't in the mood to make things easy on anyone. So instead I just waited.
Sam cleared his throat, then said, "Jacob, according to Quil--"
Jeez. "Sam, come on," I interrupted. "Seriously." It wasn't like I didn't know that it was coming, given that Quil had a loud mouth and a louder brain, but it was still really fucking irritating. And I really didn't need this right now. I had plenty of drama on my plate already, thank you.
"No, look," he continued, face carefully neutral, "if you and Leah are together--"
"Sam," I snapped, "you're not--"
"--it's fine, it doesn't bother me--"
"Sam--"
"--I just want her to be happy--"
"Sam--"
"--but I want you to promise me that--"
Somehow I was off the log and glowering down at him. I was a good four inches taller. "Sam," a voice from inside me snarled furiously, "shut up."
And Sam's mouth instantly snapped closed.
The rush was abrupt and disorienting, like being on a rollercoaster that suddenly reversed itself, yanking me in a new direction, my blood slamming to a halt against the walls of my arteries. And Sam felt it too -- his eyes widened with surprise and confusion -- and with a freakish new clarity, I understood that he had no idea what he was doing. Sam had gotten shoved into this role by the stupid, blind luck of being the first one to phase. He was making it up as he went just like the rest of us. He wasn't supposed to be in charge.
They were right. They were all right. I was meant to be Alpha.
But I didn't want it.
And I wasn't going to take it.
I closed my eyes, took a long breath, and let that dizzying, sickening tide of authority speed right along, leaving me behind. I heard Sam sigh deeply. I couldn't tell if it was with relief or regret.
Well. At least that was done.
"Look, Sam," I said as I turned away and climbed back onto the driftwood, "I'm not sleeping with Leah. We're not together. We're just..." Friends wasn't the right word. "She kind of knows some stuff, and it's been easier to patrol with her. Quil got it wrong, that's all."
Sam frowned slightly. "Leah 'knows some stuff'?"
"Yeah, and it's none of your business." At least, it wasn't his business for right now. Once there was a bloodsucker carrying around a Quileute baby, on the other hand... okay, best not to think about that too much, or I was going to start hyperventilating again. "By the way," I said, changing the subject, "you do know that sooner or later Leah's going to sleep with someone, right? You're going to have to get used to the idea."
"I am used to it," Sam insisted, and I rolled my eyes. "Believe me, I am. But you're obviously a wreck, man, and I don't want her to have to be the one who puts you back together."
"She's not going to be. But even if she was, that's her choice to make." I looked back out at the ocean. "And mine, for that matter," I added.
"I don't know if you've noticed, Jacob, but we don't get a lot of choices." Sam's voice was dry and a little bit sad.
I felt the lingering tingles of power in my veins, and I knew what I could to use them to do. It was simple now. I didn't want to be Alpha. I didn't want to be Sam. I wanted as many choices as I could possibly have, and that sure as hell wasn't going to happen if things stayed like this.
"I'm retiring," I told Sam. "The newborns are gone, there haven't been any new kids phasing, and the Cullens--" my mouth twisted on their name "--are honoring the treaty. You don't need me. I'm done. Stay Alpha if you want, give it to someone else, I don't care. But I'm not going to phase anymore, and I'm not obeying orders. Consider this my resignation."
He was silent for a long moment before saying quietly, "You should really think about this before you make any decisions, Jacob."
I snorted. "Believe me, of all the decisions I've had to make recently, this is the easiest. I'll be here if anyone needs me, but--" Bella turning a black checker piece over and over and over in her hand "--I'm tired of being the Pack's Jacob. I don't like it. It's not who I want to be."
Sam's eyes were distant. "You're lucky you have so much control over your own destiny."
I thought about sitting outside Bella's house. "It doesn't feel like it."
Sam looked at me sideways, then shook his head. "Jacob," he said, and he was back to being his usual self, the hall monitor on steroids, "I don't doubt that there's lots of stuff that's hard, but you haven't imprinted. You have choices, plenty of them. Be grateful for it."
"Yeah, I guess." He wouldn't be saying these things if he knew what kind of choices I'd been making recently. He'd just dismember me and leave the pieces to be picked over by seagulls. Though I'd probably do the same if our roles were reversed.
Life kind of sucked in a lot of ways.
After a few minutes of silence, I said, "We probably shouldn't tell Leah about this conversation."
Sam shook his head. "Yeah. No."
And that was the end of that.
***
When the weekend finally came, I started spending all day, every day, in the garage. I knew she'd be coming soon, and I didn't want to be anywhere near anyone else. Hell, I wasn't even sure I wanted to be near her, but there wasn't much I could do about that part. It wasn't like she could send a courier. Well, she could, but it seemed pretty unlikely.
Saturday came and went. On the positive side of things, the garage had never been cleaner.
On Sunday I ran out of stuff to sweep, organize, and wash. I was seriously considering putting a new coat of paint on the Rabbit (it didn't need it, but it might look interesting blue, you never know), when there was a hesitant knock at the door. I stood, braced myself as much as I possibly could, and turned around to face whatever was going to come next.
Bella walked into the garage slowly, and she looked like she hadn't slept in weeks-- and hell, maybe she hadn't. She was pale, thinner than the last time I'd seen her, worse even than she had been when the bloodsucker left and she acted half dead. She seemed like a ghost of her old self. (And, of course, she was still beautiful. How was that possible? Sometimes I wondered if she was the inhuman one in this nightmare of a triangle.) She inhaled sharply when she saw my face, and her arms wrapped convulsively around her midsection. After a moment she managed to say, "Hi, Jake."
"Hi, Bells."
She glanced around, and her eyebrows went up. "Wow. You cleaned."
I shrugged. "Didn't have much else to do."
She nodded, chewing on her lower lip. Then she scuffed the toe of her sneaker against the concrete as she said hesitantly, "I'm sorry I haven't called. I... I didn't really know what to..."
"It's okay," I heard myself say. "I didn't call you either."
"Yeah," she said awkwardly. "I guess."
And I waited.
I was so good at waiting.
Finally Bella met my eyes, and with a little humorless smile, shook her head. "I'm not," she said simply.
My eyes closed and I exhaled, long and deep, as a wave of something crashed into me. I had absolutely no clue what I was feeling, but I was sure as hell feeling a lot of it, and for a moment I thought my ribs would crack under the pressure -- but my ribs had cracked before, and it didn't hurt as much as this.
"Do you have my engagement ring?" Bella asked.
I nodded mechanically, and opened the drawer in the cabinet where I'd hidden it, the only drawer I hadn't gone through. The damn thing was still ugly, and it felt like it weighed thirty pounds when I pulled it out. When I handed the ring to her I felt her skin under my fingertips.
Her hand closed. "Thank you," she said softly.
I turned away, staring at the drawer. I needed to clean it out now. There was a ton of crap that really ought to be thrown away. And I should never have stuck the fishing lures in there, the allen wrenches would be all gross now, I'd have to soak them in club soda to get the slime off, and I was pretty sure we didn't have any club soda, so that was a trip into town and I'd probably need to get groceries while I was at it. "Well, if that's all--"
"I'm giving it back, Jacob."
My heart stopped.
Instead of putting the ring on her finger, Bella slid it into her pocket.
I... "Huh?" I said blankly.
"I'm giving the ring back to Edward," Bella repeated. She looked exhausted, like she might collapse at any moment, but she sounded...
Holy fuck.
"Bella." I stepped forward, reached for her face--
--and she stepped backwards at the same time, shaking her head. "No, Jacob," she said, choking on the words. "No."
I dropped my hand in surprise. "Why not?"
"Because," she whispered. She looked at the ground, took a deep breath, then squeezed her eyes shut and said in a rush, "Jacob, I'm going to go away. By myself."
Wait. "What?"
"I'm going away," she repeated, her eyes still closed. "To Phoenix. Alone."
My stomach lurched. "No. You can't. Why? Why would you do that?"
Bella sat down on the workbench, keeping her arms wrapped tightly around herself. "I'm going to go to school there for a little while. Do some community college classes... get a job... something, it doesn't really matter what. My mom's still got our old house, and I'm going to stay there. It's done. I bought my plane ticket this morning before I could talk myself out of it." She smiled, but there wasn't any happiness or humor in it. "I don't think the truck would do well in desert heat."
I... I couldn't... "I don't understand."
"Jacob," Bella said, and her voice shook, "I can't do this anymore. I threw up every single day for the last two weeks, and I thought for sure, I was so sure... it must have been anxiety or something. I couldn't sleep, I even sent Edward away so that I'd be warmer and I still couldn't sleep, I drove all the way to Port Angeles to buy the test, I hid it between my mattress and the box spring, and then I didn't dare leave my room in case Charlie suddenly decided for some reason that he wanted to change my sheets or something..." She giggled and it was more than a little hysterical. "I got up at two-thirty in the morning to use it, and I dropped the box three times because my hands were shaking..." Her breath hitched. "And then there was only one line, and I almost fainted from relief, I'm not joking, my vision went blurry and I had to put my head between my knees--"
"Bella," I whispered.
"--then Edward came to see me and I was crying, and he held me and he said he loved me and he wanted me to be happy and that it would all be okay, you and I could try again--"
"Fuck no."
Bella looked up at me and smiled. "I said the same thing. He was kind of shocked at my language."
I tried to smile back, but I couldn't. "So... you don't..."
She shook her head. "No. I don't. Not now. I'm not ready to have a baby." She giggled again and it was awful. "I have never been as terrified in my entire life as I have been for the last two weeks, and given how my year has gone, that's saying something. And I'm not ready to get married. And if I'm not ready for all that, then I'm not ready for..." She swallowed hard. "Jacob, I don't know what I want to do anymore. I want these things, but I'm so messed up, and I'm so tired, and I love you so much more than I thought I did and it scares the hell out of me because I love him too, I love him just as much, and I can't figure it out if you're both around because I can't see you without wanting..." Her breath was heaving in and out of her chest in dry sobs. "I have to leave, I have to, before I do any more damage. I told Edward I needed time. I'm here to tell you the same thing."
Time.
"That sounds good," I said slowly, a sick feeling starting to burn in my chest. "That sounds like a really, really good idea, but, Bells, honey, you don't have to go away. You can have time here."
"No." She bit her lip so hard that it turned white. "No, that won't work."
"Yes it will." I crouched in front of her and pulled her arms away from her stomach so I could hold her hands. "You don't have to leave, okay? I'll stay away from you. If you tell Cullen that's what you want then he'll stay away too, you know he will." If I knew anything about that bloodsucker, it was that he'd do almost anything that Bella said would make her happy, no questions asked. "Or... or we can just go back to the way things were, way back in the beginning. We'll be friends, you can come hang out, I won't push you, I promise. It'll be fine. We'll be fine. You can think here in Forks. You can take as much time as you want. I'll wait."
"No, Jake. I can't..." Bella's eyes filled with tears as she steadily shook her head back and forth. "This is all just... I've been trying to do the right thing but I'm doing it all wrong and look at what's happening. Edward threw himself at the Volturi because of me. I almost had a baby because I thought it was what you both wanted. And you..." She pulled her hands free from mine and traced my face with her fingertips. "Oh, Jacob, look at you. Look what I've done to you..."
"I could've walked away at any time and I didn't," I pointed out. "You haven't done a damn thing to me that I didn't let you do."
"So what? I'm still the one that did it." Bella laughed, and the tears spilled over and wet her eyelashes. "Have you seen yourself recently? You look awful. You're falling apart. We all are. Don't you see what's happening? We're going to kill each other unless I--"
I cut her off with a kiss.
For a moment she kissed me back, responding with a moan as I worked my mouth hard against hers, taking in the warmth and the taste that had made it into my bloodstream. Then she broke the contact and turned her head away. "Jake--"
"I love you, Bella." Her jawline was soft under my lips. She smelled the same as she had when she was beneath me and above me, girl soap and something sweet. "You love me. You want me." My hands moved to her waist and pulled her close. Her knees parted and her jeans scraped friction against my sides. "You always think things are so complicated, but they're not." Loose strands of her hair brushed over my forehead. It was right. I had to make her understand. "You don't have to go. We can figure this out together, honey."
"No," she said brokenly, "we can't."
"You're wrong." My fingers dug into her hips, trying to find her through her clothes and remember the feel of her skin. I wondered if the marks I'd left were still visible. Why couldn't she see how simple this all was? "Just stay. Stay with me. Please." I pressed hot kisses against her throat, looking for the steady thrum of her heartbeat in her veins. It had to be there somewhere. "Please don't leave."
Bella's body shuddered under my touch... then her hands pushed at my shoulders. "Jacob. Jacob, stop."
I pulled back just enough to search her face.
She was serious.
Everything in me went cold as I took my hands off her. "Why," I spat, standing up so fast that it made the room spin, "is it so easy for you to say no to me and not to him?"
Bella let out a little sob as she wiped her tears away with the palm of her hand. "I really don't know. I wish I did."
"Yeah, me too," I said, turning away, slamming the open drawer shut so hard it made the cabinet rattle.
"Jake--"
"So," I interrupted. "How long will you be gone for?"
There was a pause, then she said, "I haven't decided yet. At least a semester. Probably more like two."
"You'll be getting older," I taunted. I didn't mind hitting below the belt.
"I know," she said miserably. "But at least I'll still be a teenager. And I have to say, when you're sneaking a pregnancy test out of your house in the middle of the night and burying it in the bottom of the trash bin, nineteen suddenly doesn't seem that old."
"Right."
There was a shuffle behind me, and I knew she was standing up. "Jake..." she whispered, and I heard her take a deep breath. "Jacob, you don't have to wait, okay? It's probably better if you don't. It's different for Edward, he's going to live forever, but you're not, and it's not fair to ask you to--"
I turned to face her incredulously. "Don't you say that to me," I bit out. "Don't you give me the speech he gave you."
Bella flinched, but she didn't look away. "He... he might not have been wrong to give it. I've already hurt you so much, and--" her voice shook "--it would be so easy for you to find someone better--"
"No!" My shout ricocheted off the walls, and Bella's eyes widened. I took a deep breath to calm the wolf that was starting to pace in my chest. "No," I said again, trying to control my voice. "You do not get to tell me what to do, you understand? You don't. If I want to wait, I'll wait. If I want to keep loving you, I will. And I will decide if I want to stop. Not you. Not anyone else. Just me. Got it?"
Bella nodded slowly. Her tears were leaving dark splotches on the concrete floor. "I can't promise you anything, Jacob. You know that, right?"
"I know."
"I'm returning the ring," she added, "but that doesn't mean... you know that I might ask for it back."
"I know."
"I might meet someone else."
"I know."
"I might never be with anyone."
"I know."
"But you still want to wait."
"Yes."
"And what if I tell you there's no hope?" she said quietly. "Will you stop then?"
I swallowed hard, then forced myself to say, "Maybe. If you're telling the truth. And I'll know if you are, even if you don't."
"I guess you will, yeah." She smiled again, and the tears kept coming down her cheeks. "You're kind of freaky like that."
And then I was crushing her against me, hugging her harder than was probably comfortable or safe, but she was leaving so what else was I supposed to do, and she wrapped her arms around my neck and curled into my embrace. "I love you," she whispered.
"Love you more," I replied, lifting her off the ground a little so I could bury my face in her hair.
Her body was shaking against mine. "I wouldn't be too sure about that." Oh, God. I held her tighter, like that could stop what was about to happen, even though I knew it couldn't. After another long moment, Bella laughed weakly. "Jake, you have to put me down."
"Yeah. Okay." I set her back on the floor gently and let her go. It fucking sucked. "Will you still have the same phone number?"
She shook her head as she hiccuped. "No. You can check with Charlie if there's an emergency, but I'm leaving the cell here."
"To stop me from calling you?" I said, trying not to sound bitter.
Bella smiled sadly. "More like to stop me from calling you." Then she glanced out the open door and up at the sky. "It's going to start raining. I've got to go."
I nodded.
She leaned her forehead against my chest for a moment, took a deep, shuddering breath, then pulled away. "Bye, Jake," she said softly.
"Bye, Bells."
I managed to wait until I heard her truck pull out of the yard before I gave up on holding it together.
***
I spent the rest of the afternoon in the garage sobbing like a little bitch. Around eight I finally dragged my sorry ass back into the house, turned the radio to the Mariners game, and collapsed onto the couch with my feet resting on the side table.
I woke up hours later to a warm hand stroking my hair. My father sat next to me in his wheelchair, his face unreadable in the darkness. "Go to bed, son," he said. "It's late."
"Mmkay," I mumbled, still half asleep. "G'night, Dad." Then I rolled off the sofa and stumbled exhaustedly to my room.
***
On Tuesday night a knock at the door interrupted me from staring into the freezer, hoping that if I just waited patiently the refrigerator fairies would magically provide something more than frozen pizza for dinner. I heard Billy roll to the door, heard a surprised, "Leah! Come on in."
"No, thanks," Leah's clipped voice carried from the doorway. "I just need to see Jacob. Oh, and Mom said to say hi and to give you this." A rustle of a paper bag, and I perked up at the smell of fried fish. Fish would be better than pizza. Just because I was depressed didn't mean I wasn't still hungry. "She's still trying to get Dad's recipe right, and she wants you to call and tell her if she's close."
"Right," Billy said gently. "I'll do that. Jacob? Leah's here for you."
As though I couldn't tell from fifteen feet away. "I caught that, yeah," I said, walking to the front door. "What's up?"
Leah stared at me for a few seconds, then turned and walked into the yard. "Come on," she called over her shoulder.
I glanced at Billy, shrugged, and jogged after her. "Where are we going?" The grass was wet under my bare feet.
"Out." Because I hadn't figured that out already. Yeesh. Once we were a decent distance from the house, Leah started to pull off her shoes. "Turn around."
I shook my head. "I'm not phasing anymore."
She straightened up, raising her eyebrows. "Really."
"Yep." I didn't feel like going into any deep or meaningful explanations, so I just added, "I'm tired, I guess."
Leah was silent for a moment, then shrugged. "Your call. I guess I'll have to get a real iPod now." I snorted, and her lip twitched as though she was thinking about maybe possibly smiling one day. She turned and started walking towards the Rabbit. "We'll take your Rabbit, then. And I'm driving."
"The hell you are," I said sharply. "You are not getting behind the wheel of my car."
"Watch me," she shot back. "I've been wanting to try out this thing. You're an idiot, but you do build a sweet ride."
I ran ahead and snatched the keys off the dashboard before she could grab them. "No. Absolutely not."
She narrowed her eyes. "Don't make me fight you. I'd kick your emo ass right now and you know it. Especially if you don't phase." Goddamn it. She held out her hand expectantly, and with a grumble, I tossed her the keys. "Get in, we're going to the cliffs."
"Why?" I whined.
"Because I said so. Now buckle up."
Leah got us to the cliffs in record time, and I winced when she pulled over to the side of the road and stopped. "Geez, Leah, watch the clutch."
She glared at me. "I know how to drive a manual, dipshit."
"Yeah, but it just needs a light touch. Don't jerk it around."
Leah snorted. "Right. I'll remember that. Get out."
We crossed the road, walked a short distance through the pines, and climbed out onto the rocks. If it wasn't for the fact that I knew I had inhuman reflexes, I'd be nervous about being up this high, with nothing but a steep drop between me and the water... but I wasn't. A few hundred feet away was where Bella had jumped and I'd pulled her out and breathed life back into her lungs. It felt like a lifetime ago. Maybe it was.
Leah picked up a tiny rock off the ground, inspected it, and tossed it over the edge of the cliff. It disappeared into the evening sun. "So she left, huh?"
"Yeah," I said, staring out at the ocean. "Without the bloodsucker, at least. She said she needs time."
She made a small huffing noise. "Maybe she's not as stupid as I thought. And I take it your boys all swam in the wrong direction?"
"Guess so. Is this where I'm supposed to cry on your shoulder or something?"
"Please don't," she said dryly as she reached into her pocket, pulling out a silver flask and holding it out to me. "Here."
"What is it?"
"Vodka. I know you don't drink, so this ought to be easier on you."
"I drink," I said defensively.
Leah rolled her eyes. "Uh-huh. The Miller Lite that Paul brings to bonfires. That doesn't count for shit. This is actual alcohol."
"Beer counts as alcohol."
"Yes, but Miller Lite doesn't count as beer."
"Yeah? Since when?"
"Fuck, will you just take the damn thing?"
"Why?"
"Because," Leah said, exasperated, "that's what people do. Their friends take them out and make them drink so they'll stop moping and feel better. Your stupid wolf metabolism is too high for me to get you wasted, so this is the best I've got. Now just... take it, all right?"
I took the flask from her hand, unscrewed the top, and swallowed deep. It burned my nose more than my throat. "Thanks."
"Whatever." She pulled a pack of Marlboros out of her shorts and offered it to me. I shook my head, and she shrugged. "Your loss," she said, holding a cigarette between her lips and flicking on the lighter. When she exhaled, the smoke curled up into the rosy sky. "I was kind of a bitch earlier this week. I'm not saying I was wrong or that I'm sorry, but... yeah."
"Yeah."
We sat quietly for a few minutes, watching the waves crash into the shore fifty feet below.
"I don't know what you're so upset about," Leah remarked finally. I stared at her in disbelief and she ignored me. "You got everything you wanted. The leech-lover is rethinking her options. She's not lining up to join the undead. She's actively considering making the jump from the bloodsucker to you, even though you behaved like a total moron. And you pulled it all off without turning up on a teen pregnancy reality show. This should be a celebratory drink, and you're acting like someone died."
I turned away, disgusted. "You really don't get it, do you?"
"I get that you're sulking."
"I am not sulking."
"Yes, you are." Leah glanced at me again and then sighed a smoky sigh. "Look, Jacob... I know it sucks, but don't wallow, okay? You're better than that. Don't... don't be like me." A bitter smile played at the corner of her mouth. "It's really not as much fun as I make it look."
I blinked in surprise. "So, what, you're telling me it's all going to be okay?"
She rolled her eyes. "No."
"Why not?"
"Because," she said, "it probably won't be."
"Thanks, Leah." I kind of meant it.
"You're welcome." She tossed a few more rocks off into space. One of them glinted in the sun as it fell. "By the way, I heard you broke Quil Atera's nose."
"Yep." I smirked. "It was kind of in defense of your honor."
Leah gave me an odd look. "Huh?"
I shrugged nonchalantly as I took another drink of vodka. "He thinks we're screwing around."
There was a scrabbling sound as Leah tried not to fall off the cliff in shock. I reached out to grab her arm just in case, but she yanked it away, jumping to her feet to glare down at me. "You had better be fucking kidding me."
"Nope. It was sort of a misunderstanding."
"A misunderstanding," Leah said dangerously. "And did you clear up this misunderstanding?"
I shrugged again, kind of enjoying myself in a weird way. At least I wasn't the only one with problems. "I did with Sam. I have no idea what everyone else thinks." I thought about what had happened on the beach. "You two really are a lot alike, you know."
A few different looks crossed Leah's face as she sat back down. Finally she settled on disinterested and said, "I don't care what Sam thinks, and I really don't care if we're alike."
"Whatever you say, Leah."
"Shut up." She snatched the flask from my hand and took a swig. "So anyway," she said, swallowing, "just how long are you planning on waiting for her?"
"I'm not sure," I said. "I don't really have a set time limit. I'll wait for as long as I want."
She shook her head. "You really are a sap."
"Pretty much."
We sat and passed the flask back and forth, watching the ocean, until the sun faded over the horizon and the moon rose in the night sky.
***
Epilogue: Wherein life takes a natural path.
A/N: Just the epilogue left, guys.
Edited 7/24/10 to fix a line.