A Single White Dove - Chapter 1/1 - ByouxKazuki [Kazuki's POV]
Title: A Single White Dove
Chapter: 1/1
Author: atmosphere_zero
Beta-Reader: misfitmisfit (Thanks a lot! <3)
Genre: Angst, AU, Drama, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Abuse, Angst, Disease, Strong Language
Band(s): ScReW
Pairing(s)/Character(s): ByouxKazuki
Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with the bands, people, artists, and musicians mentioned in the story. The story is a work of pure fiction and is in no way meant to represent or reflect the real bands, people, artists, and musicians mentioned in any way. Any similarities are pure coincidences. I do not make anything off of the story as this is simply meant for pure entertainment. No harm or disrespect in any way is intended.
Summary: When does a white lie lose its innocence?
Comments: Originally, I wrote a story called The Last White Gift, but when I re-read it the other day, I felt I didn't do the story justice back then. So I decided to go ahead and rewrite it with a different pairing. More at the bottom. Enjoy（＾ω＾）
He coughed several times, but made sure to cover his mouth with a nice handmade handkerchief. He coughed loudly and quite uncontrollably. He tried to stop, but his body wouldn’t. When he managed to finally quit coughing like crazy, he breathed in deeply in order to collect himself. Damn. His fucking throat hurt after coughing continuously for a while.
He slightly squeezed his face due to the immense of breathing in. His chest stung. His whole body radiated with pain. Goddamn, it was very difficult to breathe.
Unexpectedly, he coughed again, but this time with much more force. He gripped onto the handkerchief and released all of his coughs into it.
“Shit.”
He reached for his pocket and grabbed his medicine bottle. He popped a pill in his mouth, quickly swallowing it down his throat. “Blah. Gross as hell.”
The doctors said his progression was getting worse. In fact, when he went to the hospital the last time after collapsing at work, they said, with his strenuous lifestyle, he had only a few months to live. His body was crippling, his mind was deteriorating, as his soul was withering into pieces. He reached the point of no return. God forsook him.
He leaned against the bench as he held onto the white handkerchief. He gazed at the words amused by the sight of it. He remembered he received this on Valentine’s Day when all of the girls were giving chocolates to their big crushes. He received a whole bunch from random girls he barely knew, but there was one gift in particular that stood out from the rest. It was a handkerchief laced in a simple purple, blue, and white pattern that was initialed with a ‘B’ on the right corner.
For the longest time, he wasn’t sure who it was and that fact bothered him. Unlike all of the other lavish gifts he received, the white handkerchief came in a plain white box. No fancy bowties or string to make it seem like a present. There wasn’t even a note or card stating whom it could have been from. Who was this anonymous person?
Only until he moved out of the city and into the suburbia with his father did the thought dawn upon him. He was surprised because he never knew that person would take it upon himself to learn how to sew even though it was their worst project in home economics class. He wondered why that person didn’t admit his true feelings. But thinking back on it, perhaps it was for the better. Or perhaps God willed it to be so.
He shook his head and swallowed his saliva. Damn. He was thirsty. He forgot to bring a water bottle with him when he left the house. The doctor said he should drink as much water as he could. Damn him for being in such a rush. He had to leave before his father came home or else he would have a hard time exiting the damn place.
He heard some of the crickets and cicadas cry out in the dark, silent night. The little bugs were crying out to their lovers. They sought for each other’s comfort and help. Soon enough, he observed the fireflies filling in the breathtaking scene. Just as he found himself enjoying the fireflies’ presences the light post blew out.
“Gah, dammit.” he cursed to himself.
The light post burning out scared him out of his wits. He thought it was a sign of his life being destroyed into smithereens. One day, he would no longer exist on this planet.
He gazed up at the millions of stars hanging on to the starry, night sky. He wondered exactly how far away each one was from planet Earth. He remembered in high school, he came out to the lonely field to stargaze all the time with his longtime friend, Byou. The very same one who made him the handkerchief.
How long had he known Byou? For as long as he could remember, Byou was always by his side. Even when he never asked for Byou to stay, he stayed to support him. Through his darkest times, especially after his mother and sister passed away, Byou stood by his side holding his hand. Only Byou saw through his jubilant façade.
He closed his eyes listening to the soft howling wind while the leaves scattered all over the ground. They danced in the wind scratching against the trees and any other surface they bounced upon. Other than the occasionally sound of animals or leaves, no other life was present in this deserted park.
He didn’t know why he chose this place. It felt the most soothing and comforting like a home once he held very dear a long time ago.
“Kazuki.” he heard a voice approach from behind.
Kazuki immediately slipped the handkerchief into his pocket and turned around. “Byou-chan! There you are!”
It was difficult to be like this. He wanted to shed tears, but it wasn’t manly to do so. And well… He couldn’t be weak in front of Byou. If anything, he had to protect Byou. Byou was the one who led such a blissful life. He couldn’t ever let Byou’s bubble break down into pieces.
“You called out of the blue.” Byou breathlessly said as he sat down next to Kazuki.
How long had they been friends? How long…? Years and years, right?
“Yeah, sorry about that. You’re not busy, are you?” Kazuki apologized.
“No, no.” Byou shook his head. “Not at all.”
There was an awkward silence. Byou stared at Kazuki, which freaked him out. God… why was Byou staring so intently at him?!
“What’s been going on with you?” Kazuki casually inquired.
“I’m in my fourth year of college right now. I have final exams tomorrow morning.” Byou responded as he recalled his schedule.
“Look at you, you book worm. Sailing right through college! I told you that you would be the bomb.” Kazuki pretended to speak in such a joyful tone.
Byou was always the smart one out of the two of them. Kazuki was only good at talking while Byou had all of the brains. Together, they were an unstoppable team. An unbeatable pair.
Kazuki heard Byou suddenly gasp and felt Byou’s soft fingers touch his cold face. “Kazuki! What is this?”
Kazuki’s heart skipped a beat. Not only was Byou within such proximity, but also he touched his wounds from last night. It brought back the stinging memories of putting on the alcoholic medicine to ease the pain…
“Kazuki! These cuts… Where did you get it from?” Byou lightly rubbed against it. “It’s all over your face.”
“Oh, goodness, Byou-chan! Don’t touch me. You’re making me all nervous.” Kazuki feigned a cutesy manner of speaking.
“I’m serious. Was it your father? Neighbor? Co-worker?” Byou threw out wild suggestions.
Kazuki paused for a moment as he heard the word ‘father’. His father…
Kazuki lightly grabbed Byou’s hand and took it away from his face as he wryly smiled. For a moment, he wasn’t sure what to say. His father?
Suddenly, he remembered last night how his father came home smelling like piss and started to consume more alcohol. It got so bad that Kazuki tried to intervene on his father’s drinking binge, but got injured in the process. His father… ended up… Well, his father punched, hit, smacked, and beat the hell out of him. His father even whacked him over the head with empty and filled up beer bottles. Ah, yes… Kazuki fought back, but… There was no winning with his father.
“You bastard! How dare you stop me!”
“But dad-” Kazuki attempted to reason with his drunk father, but instead received a blow with a broken beer bottle on his face. “Ahhh!”
Kazuki took a few steps back and knelt to the ground. The crimson, hot liquid leaked out of the numerous cuts and onto his face. He partially covered his face as the fresh blood leaked onto his hand.
“Don’t try to stop me! You damn rat.”
Kazuki gasped and started to loudly cough as blood splatted on the ground due to his wounds. Damn. His symptoms. His illness. Why did that have to kick in at such a crucial time?
He watched his father scoff at the sight of his weak son and headed back to the couch to resume his drinking. It pained him to see how much his father cared for him. He could probably disappear and his father wouldn’t ever realize.
Kazuki forced himself to fully grin and laugh in a jolly manner contrary to his memory from last night, “Geez, Byou-chan, if you are going to be a lawyer, you’ve got to find evidence. Otherwise, don’t accuse people, ‘kay?”
Byou seemed to be taken back by Kazuki’s comment although he wasn’t sure why. In that split second, Kazuki hoped Byou would interrogate further, but he didn’t. “I can’t help it. You’re constantly worrying me.”
Kazuki had the urge to scold Byou on why he didn’t fucking question further, but Byou was never the type of invade his privacy. He waited for Kazuki to tell him his problems. Damn, Byou for being such a kind person. Even though Byou grew up dreaming and making it his goal to become a lawyer, he never questioned his long-time best friend.
Kazuki noticed Byou’s warm, chocolate-colored eyes plagued by worry and concern. He wanted to embrace Byou to relieve those unsettling emotions in his mind and pour out his sorrows. He wished he could let Byou know how his father was an alcoholic who found any opportunity to beat him up and how much he wished he could escape from that dreary hellhole. But he couldn’t.
Only after his mother and sister passed away did his father turn into an alcoholic. Up until that point, his father was a family man who came home to his loving kids and wife every night. Every weekend, he attended his son’s soccer games and brought his daughter to her piano lessons. It would be such a shame if anyone ever discovered the ignoble state his father had transformed into. No, he had to keep face in front of everyone… especially Byou. If no one else, at least it had to be Byou.
“So! Anything else besides school? How about your family?” Kazuki changed the topic.
Byou shifted his seating position as if to get a better look at him. “Nothing much. My mother got a promotion at work and my sister is graduating from high school.”
Sister. His sister would be the same age as Byou’s little sister. Every day, he replayed that day in his head. That whole day was crystal clear to him as if the incident occurred just yesterday. He received the news when he was at school during his math class thinking of any excuse to ditch class.
He constantly questioned himself: Why not him? Why his mother and sister? If anything, he should have been there. Not them. If he had died then… he wouldn’t have to suffer this excruciating pain. He would have been freed from life’s miseries. Why did God have to curse him? Was it punishment for existing?
“Oooh! Isn’t your sister hot?” Kazuki spoke with such excitement, despite the thoughts running through his mind.
Byou didn’t respond to his statement, but Kazuki continued on not taking any notice of Byou’s facial expression.
“Wow, high school. Eighteen! Prime age for girls to find guys to date.” Kazuki stroked his chin.
“Stop being a pervert. She wouldn’t like you anyway.” Byou defensively said.
“How would you know? I’ve never even met her.” Kazuki pretended to pout.
“Because…” Byou paused as if scheming to formulate a good quip, but failing miserably. “I know her better than you.”
Kazuki shook his head and sighed. “Fine. Fine. If you say so. But I think she would probably be cute.”
“We didn’t meet to discuss about her.” Byou managed to veer the conversation into another direction.
“Aww, fine. Be such a party pooper, Byou-chan.” Kazuki cutely frowned at the idea.
There was a tense moment of silence. Kazuki waited for Byou to make the next move, but Byou appeared to be lost in thought. In fact, he appeared a little nervous. Kazuki wondered if it was because they hadn’t seen each other in person for a few years. Actually, since high school graduation. They kept in contact through phone and email, but lately Kazuki purposely ignored his calls and emails. He had to. The thought hurt him, but it was all for Byou.
“Hey! Let’s go take a walk. The lake is beauuuuutiful!” Kazuki exclaimed.
“Sure.” Byou nodded his head.
They strolled through the park taking in the quiescent scenery without exchanging words. They stood side-by-side close enough to be a couple yet they were not holding hands or acting intimate. Certainly, there was something missing.
Kazuki was surprised that Byou hadn’t brought up why Kazuki called him out of the blue. Not that it was a bad thing. God, how would he bring the issue to Byou?
Hold on. He already promised himself. He wouldn’t inform Byou of his illness. He wouldn’t tell Byou that he only had a few months to live. Goddammit. He couldn’t. If he did, Byou might quit school and waste all of his four years of hard work. He couldn’t be that selfish. Yes… He had to be the bearer of bad news. He had to falsify the fact that-
“Hey, Kazuki.”
“What is it, Byou-chan?” Kazuki broke out of his thoughts.
“I’m going to be graduating next week. You should come down and see the ceremony.” Byou invited him to come.
Come see him again? What…? No… Why was Byou doing this to him?
“Next week? But… Well… uh… I have work next week.” Kazuki lamely fabricated an excuse.
Ack. That was a complete lie. He actually had a doctor’s appointment at the hospital. But he couldn’t let Byou know that.
“I know, but can’t you take off just one day? It’s not as if it takes you a whole week to trek up here.” Byou insisted.
Fuck. Why was Byou making this even more difficult for him? Normally, he would have agreed in a heartbeat, but…
“You can meet my parents and see my relatives.” Byou added.
Relatives? Parents? What was Byou trying to get at?
“Oh. Everyone’s going to be there?” Kazuki played dumb at this point trying to prolong his answer.
“Yeah, since I’m going to be the first to graduate out of my family.” Byou nodded his head.
That was right. Byou’s family was poor, but they sacrificed everything for him to go to a good school. It would be a big day for his family. A momentous, wonderful day.
“Anyway, you’ve never met my family before so I think this would be a good time.” Byou stopped walking.
Kazuki followed suit peering up at Byou’s serious face. Usually, Byou had a nonchalant expression, but when he wore that serious face, he was… Well, dead serious about the matter. “Meet your family? But Byou-chan…”
Dammit. He knew Byou had more in mind than just meeting his parents and relatives.
“Come on, Kazuki. How long have we known each other?” Byou persisted on the idea.
Yes, they knew each other since they were children. And during those times, Kazuki grew fond of Byou, but never had the courage to admit his true feelings. He was afraid that Byou might reject him. Or worse. That he would not outlive his illness. And he proved to be right.
Dammit. He had to restrain himself. He couldn’t falsely led Byou on. He had to… to… do what was best for Byou and him.
“I can’t, Byou-chan.” Kazuki refused.
Byou was baffled by Kazuki’s answer. “Why? If it’s work, then you can take off, right?”
“It’s not just work Byou-chan… I…” Kazuki stared at Byou eye-to-eye.
Kazuki heard the water in the lake behind them swoosh against the grassy edges as some frogs crooked. There was a loud water splash that echoed across the eerie, silent night. The sound of ducks quacking bounced off the invisible walls of the dark night. This moment was too precious and beautiful. He spotted how the moonlight illuminated Byou’s slender figure creating a wide shadow on the floor.
Right now, Byou was too beautiful to resist but he had to before he placed himself in more misery and pain. And for Byou.
“There was a reason I called you tonight.” Kazuki finally brought up the matter.
Byou anxiously waited for Kazuki to continue on.
“You see … I…”
Could he admit the truth to Byou? He was dying of an illness and he couldn’t see him?
“I… I’m seeing someone.” Kazuki let the words flow out of his mouth.
Kazuki observed a subtle change in Byou’s soft eyes.
“Actually, it’s been a while now. That’s why I haven’t been returning your phone calls. I’ve been busy.” Kazuki hid his hands behind his back twiddling with his fingers.
Kazuki noticed Byou’s chest rising and falling faster than before.
“I’m sorry to call you here on the day before your finals. You should have told me and we could have met some other time.” Kazuki found himself apologizing.
Why was he apologizing? For telling this lie? For not letting Byou in on the truth about his horrible life? His terrible health?
“Oh, really? Why didn’t you just say so from the beginning?” Byou spoke in an eerily, calm manner. “Here I thought you would be alone forever.”
“Haha! Yeah, I should have. I wasn’t sure how to break it to you, though…” Kazuki uneasily laughed at Byou’s statement.
“Are you two happy?” Byou solemnly shifted his eyes away from Kazuki.
Seeing Byou in such a depressing state nagged at Kazuki’s heart. No. He couldn’t go over there to comfort him.
“Yeah.” Kazuki reassured in an unsteady voice. “Yeah, we are.”
There was an awkward moment of silence. Kazuki took this chance to study Byou’s nice features. He had such soft lips and fair skin. His sleek hair seemed smooth while his brown eyes glistened in the deafening abyss.
“Promise me you’ll invite me to the wedding at least, alright?” Byou unexpectedly said.
“Byou-chan…”
“I’ve got to go. It was nice seeing you again… Kazuki.” Byou softly muttered before uttering, “Goodbye.”
Kazuki watched Byou turn his back and head straight into the never-ending darkness. He was going to be gone and out of his life forever. Dammit, Kazuki! Shout! Scream! Do something!! Anything to stop Byou from vanishing…
But his body froze in that spot unable to move. His voice was paralyzed and broken. His mind shut down only registering the scenery right before his very eyes.
“Byou…”
Byou slowly faded away blending in with the eternal darkness.
“Byou?” Kazuki called out to him.
But there was no response.
He was truly gone. Gone for good.
Losing everything he once loved and cherished… The only reason he found existence to live… was gone within a heartbeat. Everything forged over a lifetime. The irreplaceable memories built over many years would soon disperse into nothing.
He couldn’t believe the sin he committed. It was not what he wanted to do. But he was left with no choice. It was either him or Byou. And he would choose himself any day before giving up Byou.
Maybe he was being a fool or blinding himself, but this was for the best. This was the best for the both of them. Before they knew it, they would not recognize each other in the streets of the city. They would simply nod their head or perhaps pass by each other without realizing the other presence’s. The one they loved so dearly would soon evaporate and become a fragment of something once sweet and long ago in their naïve childhood memories.
He reached down in his pocket for Byou’s white handkerchief. He never did get a chance to thank Byou for this simple, but lovely gift. It was the only gift in his entire life that stuck with him through thick and thin. After everything he had been through, the one thing that stayed was this handkerchief. The little part of Byou that he carried with him everywhere.
Yes, this was the truth. Well… The white lie that he fabricated to protect Byou from the worse. This would be his one and final gift that he could hand to Byou. Maybe one day Byou would unearth the truth and find out about his illness long after he was gone. But not right now. And certainly not tomorrow.
He hoped Byou would find it in his heart to forgive him then. Or maybe not. He wasn’t looking for an apology. He was looking for an understanding deep within Byou’s heart. One day in the future, Byou would understand why he was being such an insensitive jerk and a bloody bastard.
Right now, though, things would remain as far and distant with nothing standing in between them.
He slid his finger against the white handkerchief examining its features. He peered up to the place where Byou once stood. Without even knowing, a single shard of tear cascaded down his cheek as he wore a smile whispering to himself:
“Goodbye, Byou. I love you.”
A/N's
Another update?! D:
Yeah. I surprised myself, lol. I just found myself typing away and didn't even realize that I finished it until I reached the end XD I will be writing up one for Byou's POV as well probably sometime next week.
Constructive criticisms and comments are greatly appreciated (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡
Chapter: 1/1
Author: atmosphere_zero
Beta-Reader: misfitmisfit (Thanks a lot! <3)
Genre: Angst, AU, Drama, Romance
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Abuse, Angst, Disease, Strong Language
Band(s): ScReW
Pairing(s)/Character(s): ByouxKazuki
Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with the bands, people, artists, and musicians mentioned in the story. The story is a work of pure fiction and is in no way meant to represent or reflect the real bands, people, artists, and musicians mentioned in any way. Any similarities are pure coincidences. I do not make anything off of the story as this is simply meant for pure entertainment. No harm or disrespect in any way is intended.
Summary: When does a white lie lose its innocence?
Comments: Originally, I wrote a story called The Last White Gift, but when I re-read it the other day, I felt I didn't do the story justice back then. So I decided to go ahead and rewrite it with a different pairing. More at the bottom. Enjoy（＾ω＾）
He coughed several times, but made sure to cover his mouth with a nice handmade handkerchief. He coughed loudly and quite uncontrollably. He tried to stop, but his body wouldn’t. When he managed to finally quit coughing like crazy, he breathed in deeply in order to collect himself. Damn. His fucking throat hurt after coughing continuously for a while.
He slightly squeezed his face due to the immense of breathing in. His chest stung. His whole body radiated with pain. Goddamn, it was very difficult to breathe.
Unexpectedly, he coughed again, but this time with much more force. He gripped onto the handkerchief and released all of his coughs into it.
“Shit.”
He reached for his pocket and grabbed his medicine bottle. He popped a pill in his mouth, quickly swallowing it down his throat. “Blah. Gross as hell.”
The doctors said his progression was getting worse. In fact, when he went to the hospital the last time after collapsing at work, they said, with his strenuous lifestyle, he had only a few months to live. His body was crippling, his mind was deteriorating, as his soul was withering into pieces. He reached the point of no return. God forsook him.
He leaned against the bench as he held onto the white handkerchief. He gazed at the words amused by the sight of it. He remembered he received this on Valentine’s Day when all of the girls were giving chocolates to their big crushes. He received a whole bunch from random girls he barely knew, but there was one gift in particular that stood out from the rest. It was a handkerchief laced in a simple purple, blue, and white pattern that was initialed with a ‘B’ on the right corner.
For the longest time, he wasn’t sure who it was and that fact bothered him. Unlike all of the other lavish gifts he received, the white handkerchief came in a plain white box. No fancy bowties or string to make it seem like a present. There wasn’t even a note or card stating whom it could have been from. Who was this anonymous person?
Only until he moved out of the city and into the suburbia with his father did the thought dawn upon him. He was surprised because he never knew that person would take it upon himself to learn how to sew even though it was their worst project in home economics class. He wondered why that person didn’t admit his true feelings. But thinking back on it, perhaps it was for the better. Or perhaps God willed it to be so.
He shook his head and swallowed his saliva. Damn. He was thirsty. He forgot to bring a water bottle with him when he left the house. The doctor said he should drink as much water as he could. Damn him for being in such a rush. He had to leave before his father came home or else he would have a hard time exiting the damn place.
He heard some of the crickets and cicadas cry out in the dark, silent night. The little bugs were crying out to their lovers. They sought for each other’s comfort and help. Soon enough, he observed the fireflies filling in the breathtaking scene. Just as he found himself enjoying the fireflies’ presences the light post blew out.
“Gah, dammit.” he cursed to himself.
The light post burning out scared him out of his wits. He thought it was a sign of his life being destroyed into smithereens. One day, he would no longer exist on this planet.
He gazed up at the millions of stars hanging on to the starry, night sky. He wondered exactly how far away each one was from planet Earth. He remembered in high school, he came out to the lonely field to stargaze all the time with his longtime friend, Byou. The very same one who made him the handkerchief.
How long had he known Byou? For as long as he could remember, Byou was always by his side. Even when he never asked for Byou to stay, he stayed to support him. Through his darkest times, especially after his mother and sister passed away, Byou stood by his side holding his hand. Only Byou saw through his jubilant façade.
He closed his eyes listening to the soft howling wind while the leaves scattered all over the ground. They danced in the wind scratching against the trees and any other surface they bounced upon. Other than the occasionally sound of animals or leaves, no other life was present in this deserted park.
He didn’t know why he chose this place. It felt the most soothing and comforting like a home once he held very dear a long time ago.
“Kazuki.” he heard a voice approach from behind.
Kazuki immediately slipped the handkerchief into his pocket and turned around. “Byou-chan! There you are!”
It was difficult to be like this. He wanted to shed tears, but it wasn’t manly to do so. And well… He couldn’t be weak in front of Byou. If anything, he had to protect Byou. Byou was the one who led such a blissful life. He couldn’t ever let Byou’s bubble break down into pieces.
“You called out of the blue.” Byou breathlessly said as he sat down next to Kazuki.
How long had they been friends? How long…? Years and years, right?
“Yeah, sorry about that. You’re not busy, are you?” Kazuki apologized.
“No, no.” Byou shook his head. “Not at all.”
There was an awkward silence. Byou stared at Kazuki, which freaked him out. God… why was Byou staring so intently at him?!
“What’s been going on with you?” Kazuki casually inquired.
“I’m in my fourth year of college right now. I have final exams tomorrow morning.” Byou responded as he recalled his schedule.
“Look at you, you book worm. Sailing right through college! I told you that you would be the bomb.” Kazuki pretended to speak in such a joyful tone.
Byou was always the smart one out of the two of them. Kazuki was only good at talking while Byou had all of the brains. Together, they were an unstoppable team. An unbeatable pair.
Kazuki heard Byou suddenly gasp and felt Byou’s soft fingers touch his cold face. “Kazuki! What is this?”
Kazuki’s heart skipped a beat. Not only was Byou within such proximity, but also he touched his wounds from last night. It brought back the stinging memories of putting on the alcoholic medicine to ease the pain…
“Kazuki! These cuts… Where did you get it from?” Byou lightly rubbed against it. “It’s all over your face.”
“Oh, goodness, Byou-chan! Don’t touch me. You’re making me all nervous.” Kazuki feigned a cutesy manner of speaking.
“I’m serious. Was it your father? Neighbor? Co-worker?” Byou threw out wild suggestions.
Kazuki paused for a moment as he heard the word ‘father’. His father…
Kazuki lightly grabbed Byou’s hand and took it away from his face as he wryly smiled. For a moment, he wasn’t sure what to say. His father?
Suddenly, he remembered last night how his father came home smelling like piss and started to consume more alcohol. It got so bad that Kazuki tried to intervene on his father’s drinking binge, but got injured in the process. His father… ended up… Well, his father punched, hit, smacked, and beat the hell out of him. His father even whacked him over the head with empty and filled up beer bottles. Ah, yes… Kazuki fought back, but… There was no winning with his father.
“You bastard! How dare you stop me!”
“But dad-” Kazuki attempted to reason with his drunk father, but instead received a blow with a broken beer bottle on his face. “Ahhh!”
Kazuki took a few steps back and knelt to the ground. The crimson, hot liquid leaked out of the numerous cuts and onto his face. He partially covered his face as the fresh blood leaked onto his hand.
“Don’t try to stop me! You damn rat.”
Kazuki gasped and started to loudly cough as blood splatted on the ground due to his wounds. Damn. His symptoms. His illness. Why did that have to kick in at such a crucial time?
He watched his father scoff at the sight of his weak son and headed back to the couch to resume his drinking. It pained him to see how much his father cared for him. He could probably disappear and his father wouldn’t ever realize.
Kazuki forced himself to fully grin and laugh in a jolly manner contrary to his memory from last night, “Geez, Byou-chan, if you are going to be a lawyer, you’ve got to find evidence. Otherwise, don’t accuse people, ‘kay?”
Byou seemed to be taken back by Kazuki’s comment although he wasn’t sure why. In that split second, Kazuki hoped Byou would interrogate further, but he didn’t. “I can’t help it. You’re constantly worrying me.”
Kazuki had the urge to scold Byou on why he didn’t fucking question further, but Byou was never the type of invade his privacy. He waited for Kazuki to tell him his problems. Damn, Byou for being such a kind person. Even though Byou grew up dreaming and making it his goal to become a lawyer, he never questioned his long-time best friend.
Kazuki noticed Byou’s warm, chocolate-colored eyes plagued by worry and concern. He wanted to embrace Byou to relieve those unsettling emotions in his mind and pour out his sorrows. He wished he could let Byou know how his father was an alcoholic who found any opportunity to beat him up and how much he wished he could escape from that dreary hellhole. But he couldn’t.
Only after his mother and sister passed away did his father turn into an alcoholic. Up until that point, his father was a family man who came home to his loving kids and wife every night. Every weekend, he attended his son’s soccer games and brought his daughter to her piano lessons. It would be such a shame if anyone ever discovered the ignoble state his father had transformed into. No, he had to keep face in front of everyone… especially Byou. If no one else, at least it had to be Byou.
“So! Anything else besides school? How about your family?” Kazuki changed the topic.
Byou shifted his seating position as if to get a better look at him. “Nothing much. My mother got a promotion at work and my sister is graduating from high school.”
Sister. His sister would be the same age as Byou’s little sister. Every day, he replayed that day in his head. That whole day was crystal clear to him as if the incident occurred just yesterday. He received the news when he was at school during his math class thinking of any excuse to ditch class.
He constantly questioned himself: Why not him? Why his mother and sister? If anything, he should have been there. Not them. If he had died then… he wouldn’t have to suffer this excruciating pain. He would have been freed from life’s miseries. Why did God have to curse him? Was it punishment for existing?
“Oooh! Isn’t your sister hot?” Kazuki spoke with such excitement, despite the thoughts running through his mind.
Byou didn’t respond to his statement, but Kazuki continued on not taking any notice of Byou’s facial expression.
“Wow, high school. Eighteen! Prime age for girls to find guys to date.” Kazuki stroked his chin.
“Stop being a pervert. She wouldn’t like you anyway.” Byou defensively said.
“How would you know? I’ve never even met her.” Kazuki pretended to pout.
“Because…” Byou paused as if scheming to formulate a good quip, but failing miserably. “I know her better than you.”
Kazuki shook his head and sighed. “Fine. Fine. If you say so. But I think she would probably be cute.”
“We didn’t meet to discuss about her.” Byou managed to veer the conversation into another direction.
“Aww, fine. Be such a party pooper, Byou-chan.” Kazuki cutely frowned at the idea.
There was a tense moment of silence. Kazuki waited for Byou to make the next move, but Byou appeared to be lost in thought. In fact, he appeared a little nervous. Kazuki wondered if it was because they hadn’t seen each other in person for a few years. Actually, since high school graduation. They kept in contact through phone and email, but lately Kazuki purposely ignored his calls and emails. He had to. The thought hurt him, but it was all for Byou.
“Hey! Let’s go take a walk. The lake is beauuuuutiful!” Kazuki exclaimed.
“Sure.” Byou nodded his head.
They strolled through the park taking in the quiescent scenery without exchanging words. They stood side-by-side close enough to be a couple yet they were not holding hands or acting intimate. Certainly, there was something missing.
Kazuki was surprised that Byou hadn’t brought up why Kazuki called him out of the blue. Not that it was a bad thing. God, how would he bring the issue to Byou?
Hold on. He already promised himself. He wouldn’t inform Byou of his illness. He wouldn’t tell Byou that he only had a few months to live. Goddammit. He couldn’t. If he did, Byou might quit school and waste all of his four years of hard work. He couldn’t be that selfish. Yes… He had to be the bearer of bad news. He had to falsify the fact that-
“Hey, Kazuki.”
“What is it, Byou-chan?” Kazuki broke out of his thoughts.
“I’m going to be graduating next week. You should come down and see the ceremony.” Byou invited him to come.
Come see him again? What…? No… Why was Byou doing this to him?
“Next week? But… Well… uh… I have work next week.” Kazuki lamely fabricated an excuse.
Ack. That was a complete lie. He actually had a doctor’s appointment at the hospital. But he couldn’t let Byou know that.
“I know, but can’t you take off just one day? It’s not as if it takes you a whole week to trek up here.” Byou insisted.
Fuck. Why was Byou making this even more difficult for him? Normally, he would have agreed in a heartbeat, but…
“You can meet my parents and see my relatives.” Byou added.
Relatives? Parents? What was Byou trying to get at?
“Oh. Everyone’s going to be there?” Kazuki played dumb at this point trying to prolong his answer.
“Yeah, since I’m going to be the first to graduate out of my family.” Byou nodded his head.
That was right. Byou’s family was poor, but they sacrificed everything for him to go to a good school. It would be a big day for his family. A momentous, wonderful day.
“Anyway, you’ve never met my family before so I think this would be a good time.” Byou stopped walking.
Kazuki followed suit peering up at Byou’s serious face. Usually, Byou had a nonchalant expression, but when he wore that serious face, he was… Well, dead serious about the matter. “Meet your family? But Byou-chan…”
Dammit. He knew Byou had more in mind than just meeting his parents and relatives.
“Come on, Kazuki. How long have we known each other?” Byou persisted on the idea.
Yes, they knew each other since they were children. And during those times, Kazuki grew fond of Byou, but never had the courage to admit his true feelings. He was afraid that Byou might reject him. Or worse. That he would not outlive his illness. And he proved to be right.
Dammit. He had to restrain himself. He couldn’t falsely led Byou on. He had to… to… do what was best for Byou and him.
“I can’t, Byou-chan.” Kazuki refused.
Byou was baffled by Kazuki’s answer. “Why? If it’s work, then you can take off, right?”
“It’s not just work Byou-chan… I…” Kazuki stared at Byou eye-to-eye.
Kazuki heard the water in the lake behind them swoosh against the grassy edges as some frogs crooked. There was a loud water splash that echoed across the eerie, silent night. The sound of ducks quacking bounced off the invisible walls of the dark night. This moment was too precious and beautiful. He spotted how the moonlight illuminated Byou’s slender figure creating a wide shadow on the floor.
Right now, Byou was too beautiful to resist but he had to before he placed himself in more misery and pain. And for Byou.
“There was a reason I called you tonight.” Kazuki finally brought up the matter.
Byou anxiously waited for Kazuki to continue on.
“You see … I…”
Could he admit the truth to Byou? He was dying of an illness and he couldn’t see him?
“I… I’m seeing someone.” Kazuki let the words flow out of his mouth.
Kazuki observed a subtle change in Byou’s soft eyes.
“Actually, it’s been a while now. That’s why I haven’t been returning your phone calls. I’ve been busy.” Kazuki hid his hands behind his back twiddling with his fingers.
Kazuki noticed Byou’s chest rising and falling faster than before.
“I’m sorry to call you here on the day before your finals. You should have told me and we could have met some other time.” Kazuki found himself apologizing.
Why was he apologizing? For telling this lie? For not letting Byou in on the truth about his horrible life? His terrible health?
“Oh, really? Why didn’t you just say so from the beginning?” Byou spoke in an eerily, calm manner. “Here I thought you would be alone forever.”
“Haha! Yeah, I should have. I wasn’t sure how to break it to you, though…” Kazuki uneasily laughed at Byou’s statement.
“Are you two happy?” Byou solemnly shifted his eyes away from Kazuki.
Seeing Byou in such a depressing state nagged at Kazuki’s heart. No. He couldn’t go over there to comfort him.
“Yeah.” Kazuki reassured in an unsteady voice. “Yeah, we are.”
There was an awkward moment of silence. Kazuki took this chance to study Byou’s nice features. He had such soft lips and fair skin. His sleek hair seemed smooth while his brown eyes glistened in the deafening abyss.
“Promise me you’ll invite me to the wedding at least, alright?” Byou unexpectedly said.
“Byou-chan…”
“I’ve got to go. It was nice seeing you again… Kazuki.” Byou softly muttered before uttering, “Goodbye.”
Kazuki watched Byou turn his back and head straight into the never-ending darkness. He was going to be gone and out of his life forever. Dammit, Kazuki! Shout! Scream! Do something!! Anything to stop Byou from vanishing…
But his body froze in that spot unable to move. His voice was paralyzed and broken. His mind shut down only registering the scenery right before his very eyes.
“Byou…”
Byou slowly faded away blending in with the eternal darkness.
“Byou?” Kazuki called out to him.
But there was no response.
He was truly gone. Gone for good.
Losing everything he once loved and cherished… The only reason he found existence to live… was gone within a heartbeat. Everything forged over a lifetime. The irreplaceable memories built over many years would soon disperse into nothing.
He couldn’t believe the sin he committed. It was not what he wanted to do. But he was left with no choice. It was either him or Byou. And he would choose himself any day before giving up Byou.
Maybe he was being a fool or blinding himself, but this was for the best. This was the best for the both of them. Before they knew it, they would not recognize each other in the streets of the city. They would simply nod their head or perhaps pass by each other without realizing the other presence’s. The one they loved so dearly would soon evaporate and become a fragment of something once sweet and long ago in their naïve childhood memories.
He reached down in his pocket for Byou’s white handkerchief. He never did get a chance to thank Byou for this simple, but lovely gift. It was the only gift in his entire life that stuck with him through thick and thin. After everything he had been through, the one thing that stayed was this handkerchief. The little part of Byou that he carried with him everywhere.
Yes, this was the truth. Well… The white lie that he fabricated to protect Byou from the worse. This would be his one and final gift that he could hand to Byou. Maybe one day Byou would unearth the truth and find out about his illness long after he was gone. But not right now. And certainly not tomorrow.
He hoped Byou would find it in his heart to forgive him then. Or maybe not. He wasn’t looking for an apology. He was looking for an understanding deep within Byou’s heart. One day in the future, Byou would understand why he was being such an insensitive jerk and a bloody bastard.
Right now, though, things would remain as far and distant with nothing standing in between them.
He slid his finger against the white handkerchief examining its features. He peered up to the place where Byou once stood. Without even knowing, a single shard of tear cascaded down his cheek as he wore a smile whispering to himself:
“Goodbye, Byou. I love you.”
A/N's
Another update?! D:
Yeah. I surprised myself, lol. I just found myself typing away and didn't even realize that I finished it until I reached the end XD I will be writing up one for Byou's POV as well probably sometime next week.
Constructive criticisms and comments are greatly appreciated (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡